2025 | Wall Street Memes

A bipartisan group of gay cheesemakers… wait, that’s not what bipartisan means? Oh, ok… A bipartisan group of politicians has unveiled a new bill that would forbid lawmakers from trading individual stocks, leading Nancy Pelosi to shit an entire gold brick.

The bill has been put forward by the most Texas Republican sounding man ever, Chip Roy, and the most Rhode Island Democrat sounding man ever, Seth Magaziner.

If passed, the bill would require current lawmakers (AND their spouses AND their children, wtf?) to sell their stocks within 180 days and new Congress members to sell off stock holdings before being sworn in. Failure to do so would result in a fine of 10% of that stock value and maybe certain death. Damn girl, chillax.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was seen shortly after the announcement marching down a corridor house-yelling into her phone, “I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT IT COSTS, SELL IT ALL!”

Pelosi has long been dogged by accusations of insider trading, exacerbated last year by her husband’s profitable sale of Visa stock shortly before a DoJ antitrust lawsuit against the company. The link is somewhat circumstantial, and no concrete evidence currently exists of Pelosi’s insider trading. Pelosi has even publicly spoken in support of greater regulation, which is exactly what she would say, wouldn’t she? Nevertheless, the running joke has come to exemplify the image of Democratic politicians as a corrupted elite, unlike all other elites, which are perfect.

HOT TIP: If you’re a Democrat, simply rinse and repeat this same critique, but against Marjorie Taylor Greene.

A Bill 65 Million Years In The Making

This isn’t the first time such bills have been proposed, but it does seem to represent a more bipartisan, combined effort. Just last month, Senator Josh Hawley’s Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments (yes, that spells out PELOSI) bill passed through a crucial committee just last month. Ironically, Nancy Pelosi herself supported the bill.

Currently, the STOCK Act of 2012 (also voted for by Pelosi) requires lawmakers to disclose any trades over $1,000 within 30 days or pay a $200 fine. However, many believe the law does not go far enough. I personally think it should go even further and forbid politicians from using even money. They should be forced to trade seashells instead.

It seems that the general public’s widespread desire to see more fairness for lawmakers has made its way to Washington. Support is growing for some kind of increased restrictions. Maybe handcuffs when they visit the bank?

Let’s see what happens, but until any such bill passes, I’m doubling down on my Pelosi portfolio.

For more on insider trading news, click here: Marjorie Taylor Greene Denies Insider Trading: “You Can’t Insider Trade When You’re A Political Outsider”

Although Donald Trump is not dead yet, rumors still persist online that the President might in fact be dead because who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?

The whole curfuffle has led many to speculate what the protocol is for dying/dead presidents and ask, who would replace Trump in the event of his passing?

Well, here are our top picks for the role ranked from least likely to most likely.

10. JD Vance

Not a serious option but technically the next in line to the throne. The White House will probably stage a coup than let baby J hold power.

9. Elon Musk

Also very unlikely, but more likely than Vance. If the world wants an erratic, egomaniacal, billionaire at the helm well, Musky man’s got them in spades.

8. Donald Trump Jr.

The laws of primogeniture dictate that the king’s firstborn son shall inherit the throne. And look, this guy’s already 90% Donald Trump just with that little suffix so they wouldn’t have to change the stationary or anything.

7. Kanye West

AKA Jesus. This is a controversial choice, the guy literally said he is a Nazi, but nobody’s perfect, right? The rapper was a frontrunner in the last election and honestly would have probably won if I hadn’t slept in that day. I think he’s a real option.

6. President Joe Biden

Look, he already got the job once, I think he could do it again. And isn’t this how it works like if you lose a president you revert back to your last president and keep going until you run out of presidents until you have to elect the ghost of George Washington?

5. The Ghost of George Washington

They say he still haunts DC to this day and whisper his name upon the wind and he shall appear. Personally I think he’s a real option. Who better to lead America than the man who discovered it?

4. Just Anyone Random

You know, like jury duty. We hold a massive raffle, like an evil lottery and pick just one person to be the king. Maybe it could work, worth a try, right? At least then I’ll be in with a shot.

3. Me

Just throwing my hat into the ring, you know, you’ve got to be in it to win it.

2. Hillary Clinton

Everyone loves her. What’s not to like? Let’s get her in, what’s the worst she can do?

1. Donald Trump

Yeah, let’s be honest, he’s probably the most likely option. Even if he did die, there’s no way we’re finding someone to replace him. Republicans would rather embalm his corpse and turn it into an AI-powered puppet than let MAGA die. God speed to you.

And that’s our list! What to you think? Did we miss anyone? Let us know in the comments! Oh, wait we don’t have a comment section. Err, idk, fax me.

For a full (mental) breakdown of Mr. Trump, please click here: Donald Trump

In a landmark ruling, regulators announced today that Google may continue operating its Android and Chrome empires but only if it shares its data with other companies and finally admits that “Incognito Mode” is about as private as shouting your search history from a moving train.

According to the Department of Justice, Google’s so-called “Incognito” feature has “misled millions into thinking their browsing was invisible, when in reality it was like putting on sunglasses and assuming you’re invisible at a nightclub.”

The compromise lets Google keep its two most valuable products, but forces the company to pull the plug on Incognito Mode, which officials described as “essentially just regular Chrome with a trench coat and fake mustache.”

“We Found Out What You’re Really Doing at 2AM”

One DOJ lawyer explained:

“People thought Incognito Mode was like a digital invisibility cloak. Turns out, it’s more like a cardboard box over your head with holes cut out. Everyone can still see you, especially Google.”

Millions of Americans are now realizing that every late-night search for “does my cat secretly judge me” or “how to make a flamethrower with household items” has been proudly filed away in Google’s servers, next to Grandma’s Gmail chain letters.

Google stock dipped briefly after the ruling, before bouncing back when analysts remembered that Incognito Mode was mostly just used by dudes named Kyle hiding their “stepmom stuck in dryer” binges.

One trader shrugged:

“Honestly, Google losing Incognito Mode is like McDonald’s being forced to admit the McRib isn’t real meat. Everyone already knew.”

In a statement, Google said:

“We respect the court’s decision, but want to remind users that even without Incognito Mode, you can still clear your history every 6 to 8 minutes like a totally normal, well-adjusted human being.”

Meanwhile, regulators hinted that similar cases may be coming:

Apple might be asked to prove “Private Browsing” isn’t just Safari with a darker theme.

Microsoft Edge will be forced to prove someone, *anyone*, actually uses it.

Moral of the story: If you really want to browse privately, just throw your laptop in the ocean and move to a cave.

For more Goolge news, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

Master chocolatiers and occasional slave owners, Nestlé, have SACKED their chief executive for getting in the SACK with a subordinate, leading to a TUMBLE (of stocks that is).

You probably know the Swiss food company as the makers of Kit Kats, Nespresso, Nesquik, Nescafé, Nestea and Nes-restrictions-to-clean-water-in-West-Africa. BUT WHERE THEY DRAW THE LINE is when Laurent Freixe gets freaky with an employee.

Through Nestlé’s internal whistleblowing channel (nicknamed ‘Toot Sweet’) Nestlé chair Paul Buckle found out about the scandal and immediately donned a deer-stalker hat and pipe and buckled down to a full investigation.

After the plot thickened thicker than an unstirred glass of Nesquik, Buckle called in the big guns: you all know him, it’s everyone’s favorite: independent director Pablo Isla!

But even Isla couldn’t crack this case and so he reached out to an “independent outside council”, the only one who could possibly solve this mystery, the only group trained to find secret CEO affairs wherever they hide, that’s right: Coldplay.

Coldplay immediately set up a sting operation involving two concert tickets, a massive spotlight and a kiss cam. The stage was set and Freixe fell for it hook, line and sinker. Heheh, no one can resist the Play.

After piecing together the clues of the lipstick, the candlestick, and the dick-pic, Buckle immediately fired Freixe for the undisclosed relationship, deemed a clear conflict of interest. And Nestlé is NOT interested in conflict.

“This was a necessary decision,” said Buckle, sipping on a delicious Nespresso. “Nestle’s values and governance are strong foundations of our company. I thank Laurent for his years of service at Nestle.” 40 years, btw. A lifetime of work thrown to the wind in a moment of passion? And no exit package?! What a waste.

And so it ends. Well done, Nestlé, that’s another moral wrong righted. It’s time to get back to what you do best, aggressively marketing your baby formula over breastfeeding in developing nations.

Nestlé awaaayyyy!!!

For more chocolate news, click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the second time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and threatened to fire Lisa Cook. Coupled with inflation and renewed tariffic uncertainty, investors are now, for the first time ever, turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold-and-gold-related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on golds if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on. Now, with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Good Old Gold

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck over night millionaires worth millions if not billions.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

In a story that was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH THANK YOU, Trump’s tariffs, which seem to go back and forth between existing and not existing just got another bump towards the void of unreality with a US appeals court ruling that the tariffs are illegal. WHat?

Idk, I really don’t know, like what’s the point, really? Was all this a waste of time? I’ve written dozens, DOZENS of these articles now and learnt nothing from the whole process. So was it all a complete waste of time? Yes.

See, I’ll do this article be like ohhh here we go the tariffs are going and then tomorrow they’ll be back up again. Like, why?

Couldn’t we have just left things as it was? I really liked the world before I even knew what a tariff was. Yeah. That world was great. Although, tbh, I still don’t know. Now sure you do either though.

I used to be someone. People used to know my name. Now I’m here telling you that a dumb thing that was dumb that maybe never happened is about to get undone. What is this Y2K?

God, I’m probably going to have to write about this lawsuit again very shortly, aren’t I? Oh jesus christ.

You ever go down to the well and haul up a bucket full of clear crisp water and take a big swig but then you get ill and die a week later? All because you didn’t realise a goat had fallen down there and died? And you’d accidentally drunk the rotten corpse? Yeah, that’s what these tariffs feel like right now. Lord help us.

In other news, Trump isn’t dead! So that’s fun. Seems like this guy can survive anything so who knows, maybe these tariffs will pull through after all.

Any way, now you’re all well informed, watch this space. Report back tomorrow and I’ll let you know what’s changed (spoiler alert: not much).

Beans team, away!

Read on:

Despite rampant rumors on TikTok, X, and French news outlet, ‘La News’, President Donald Trump is not in fact dead after all. Shit, I just lost a bet. The story began when people realised that they hadn’t seen Trump for about a week and when he was last seen it was with a mangled hand for some reason.

Think about it, when did you last see Trump? Think really hard. I’m not just talking about on the news, I’m talking in person, live in the orange flesh, when did you see this guy? You’ve never seen him with you’re own two eyes, have you? You’ve seen pictures. You’ve seen videos but how do you know he’s even real? How do you know he’s ever been real?

Anyways, turns out he was just playing golf.

Trump tweeted from his X-knock-off Truth Social that he’s alive and well, baby. “I’ve never felt better in my life,” he lied.

Vice President JD Vance was spotted shortly after Brump’s reawakening shaking his fists and muttering “drat” to himself.

Vance had previously said to USA Today that he’d “gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days” and was ready to inherit the role of president.

It really feels like we go through this cycle with every president, every major figure. We don’t hear from them in a little while and everyone assumes they’re dead. Yes, that happened to be true of my cat, Barnston, who had fallen into a storm drain and we only found like a week later all mangled up on the beach, but that doesn’t mean it’s true of everyone.

So Trump’s not dead, in fact, he’s back to work on the Lisa Cook anti-hype train who retaliated with a lawsuit that Crump is just ITCHING to settle. For more on that story, click here you chump: Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

Ok, I admit that’s a slightly misleading headline to get you to click on this article, shoot me. You see, Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they don’t have to cough up a trillion smackerloonies, that would be crazy. No, that’s just what some calculate to be the worst-case scenario.

How they calculated it idk, I guess just added up every Claude prompt at 10% royalties? Yeah, not sure that’s how that works. Either way, even if the numbers a lot lower, it could potentially cripple the AI company.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to explain what the suit was about. So it’s basically a bunch of authors, like of books and things, have got together to say that Claude being trained on their work then selling it as a product is copyright infringement and ngl yeah, I think it might be.

Either way this sets a crazy precedent for the rest of the AI industry (AII if you will). Can just anyone sue if their work gets used?

Will the New York Times suit against OpenAI and Disney’s suit against Midjourney pull through after all?

Only time (and a judge) will tell.

In the meantime pretty much half this site’s content is AI generated so I guess we’re going down too. What I’m going to do to avoid having to pay any pos author is rewrite everything AI has ever written on this site. I’m going to go through with a fine tooth comb and a thesaurus and swap out every single word for a synonym. And I’m going to start with this next paragraph:

A synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym a synonym. a synonym, a synonym a synonym, a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym, “A synonym, a synonym a synonym a synonym; a synonym?”

You know what, this is going to take forever… imma just get an AI to do it.

What you gonna do, SUE ME?!

(thisarticlewaswrittenwiththeassistanceofanAI)

For more unreadably AI news, read this one: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

During a recent earnings call, Nvidia CFO Colette Kress said that the U.S. Government “has not published a regulation codifying such requirement.” The ‘such requirement’ being the 15% cut of H20 (water) chip sales to China China, meaning that those sales just ain’t happening, buster.

Nvidia then went on to say that “any request for a percentage of the revenue by the USG may subject us to litigation, increase our costs, and harm our competitive position and benefit competitors that are not subject to such arrangements.” Wait, what? I thought they already agreed to it?

It’s a real shame, because otherwise Nvidia’s had a really good run lately. They beat out all of Wall Street’s estimates for the quarter. $46.7 billion revenue. 56% year on year jump. $26.4 billion profit. That’s a 59% jump in quarterly profits. Themes is some sweet sweet number.

But with no sales to China China China China the company is now seeing a 3%, no wait, 4% now, slump. Well, it’s just swings and roundabouts isn’t it.

Look, Trump’s got better things to do than push through this whole 15% kickback thing. He’s got a Nobel Prize to win, Epsteins to distance himself from, logo rebrands to critique and China to China China China China China China. Yes, Nvidia is the backbone of America’s chip industry (not like those losers over at Intel) and yes, this was the government’s idea in the first place but hey, whadayagonnado?

Tech innovation, meet government bureaucracy.

China.

Oh wait, there is one more thing. Trump did float that maaaaaybe he’d be open to Nvidia selling a version of their Blackwell processor to China (China). I guess just completely forgetting the H20 deal. On the earnings call, Nvidia did say this was a real possibility.

So what’s going to happen next? I don’t know. Why you looking at me? I’m not a fortune teller. Jesus. Why don’t you go read some actual news for once.

Or if you really hate yourself, you can keep reading this site here: ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

Yeah, OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so don’t even try it. If you want to, you need the company’s written consent. Now a lot of people haven’t got that memo so OpenAI has had to write a blog post EXPLAINING to you MORONS that anyone trying to sell you OpenAI shares is a scammer.

By the way, do you want to buy some OpenAI shares? Hmu.

It’s a specific type of scam that’s becoming a new gold rush. They’re called special purpose vehicles or SPVs which allow multiple people to by shares in one transaction. When unauthorized, yeah, that’s a scam.

Bad actors will claim to have big stocks to sell in buzzy companies like OpenAI, charge an extortionate transaction fee then run off with your money before you can realise that they never had any such stocks in the first place.

Sam Altman’s company clarified that, “not every offer of OpenAI equity (or exposure to it) is problematic,” just, you know, most. “If so, the sale will not be recognized and carry no economic value to you.” Unless you collect scams, in which case, hmu.

But yeah, avoid these, they are obviously illegal.

You know what else is illegal? Running a not-for-profit company for profit. Not that I’m looking at anyone in particular. It’s not like OpenAI is now valued at $500 billion dollars in money or anything.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAl plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenArtificialIntelligence is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

Like, just take a look at this crazy story: Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

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