Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written stories on a “3,400-mile tunnel” across the Atlantic Ocean connecting London and New York. All of these articles quote different numbers and refer to a vague “thought experiment” or “new research” but without saying what the hell they’re talking about. What’s going on?

Well, thankfully science has come to the rescue to explain that this tunnel is definitely real and also it is being built.

“I for one have heard of this tunnel and it is real,” said an individual associated with science. “The research all adds up and we can definitely say that this tunnel is.”

When pressed on specific details about the tunnel, the science-ist threw his lab coat in our faces and dived into a nearby canal.

Turning back to the articles then for answers, the cost of the tunnel is presumed to be $19.8 trillion. Where this presumption comes from is unclear. The journey time for tunnel users could theoretically be an oddly specific 54 minutes. What theory is being applied here and where these specific numbers come from also remains unclear. How this tunnel would actually work is also not described in any publication. And most importantly: NO ONE IS QUOTED AS THE SOURCE OF THE INFORMATION IN ANY OF THESE GODDAMN ARTICLES!!!

So where does any of this come from you might wonder. Well, maybe they all received the same press release. Maybe they’re all part of the same organization and it was a slow news day so they made something up. Maybe they all just copied each other but there is no original publication and they just copied each other going round and round without beginning or end. Maybe it was… Oh, no wait, he’s back…

“It’s real though and you can quote me on that,” said the science, dripping with canal water as he climbed back onto the land. “I’ve seen it, me and the boys, we’ve been down to the site, they’re building it, it’s big, maybe specifically 23 meters in diameter. And it’ll go underwater but you can look out of the windows and see the fish going past so it’ll be better than all the other tunnels out there. It’s true. I’m, I’m scientists.”

So that settles it, I guess I’m wrong and this is real after all. My apologies, go about your day.

Following the rise in cases of badass-ly-named ‘Disease X’ in the Democratic Republic of Congo, Elon Musk has come out to officially explain, “I swear this has nothing to do with me.”

The eccentric (and really very cool) billionaire is the father of a child called ‘X’, a social media platform called ‘X’, and a rocket company called ‘SpaceX’. Musk also has 6 evil exes and treasure buried under a giant X somewhere in the Martian desert. It was thus very suspicious when this new Disease X appeared and many were quick to point to Musk as the possible culprit claiming, “He who smelt it, dealt it, and Musk whiffs.”

The Who were quick to clarify they had no expertise in this area as they’re just a rock band. On the other hand, the WHO was quick to clarify that the cause of the outbreak was still unknown. But they didn’t say it COULDN’T be a famous billionaire so you know, that tells you everything doesn’t it?

‘Disease X’ is the term that the WHO (who? WHO) uses as a placeholder for any disease that they are worried about growing into a future epidemic. This might seem scary but I for one haven’t made sourdough in ages and it would be lovely to pick up some new hobbies, you know?

The theory goes that Elon feels the same way and is even trying to push humanity further and further to the brink of collapse so that we’ll all be forced to use his rockets to travel to Mars. I mean, why else would he support Trump?

Now, with ‘Disease X’ (again very cool name) Musk can achieve his dreams of dominating the world with a single letter leaving everyone else to ask another, ‘Y?’

To date, Disease X has killed 31 people.

Although Donald Trump is not the president yet and the Department of Government Efficiency (or ‘DOGE’ for short if you would like to save time and be more efficient about it by just using a shortened version of the name by taking the first letters of each word and combining them together into another pronounceable word, AKA (also known as) an ‘acronym’, then you can) is not yet up and running, Elon Musk has already started to save government time by having his followers bully government employees off social media.

Last week, Elon Musk, the world’s richest (and most beloved) man reposted two X posts with the names of four government employees. Those employees were then subjected to negativity from some of Musk’s 206 million followers, leading to at least one of the employees to delete their social media accounts.

Musk has not commented on whether the cyberbullying was performed in an official DOGE capacity or a happy byproduct. Either way, one harassed government employee has saved hundreds of hours a day, hours that they can now use to do their job. Mission accomplished.

But it isn’t just death threats and deleting their X accounts that government officials are afraid of, it’s also their jobs. Simply by ‘X’ing about any government position Elon could put pressure on an employee to leave their career without proper review. Is this too much power for one man to have? I don’t know, is over 300 billion dollars too much power for one man to have? Meh, probably fine.

Musk re-’X’ed an X from an X account called @fentasyl with a screenshot of an obscure government position and said, “So many fake jobs”. The job in question: the director of “Climate Diversification” at the United States International Development Finance Corporation (and, OK, that is a mouthful). But it makes you wonder though, does Musk think this person’s job was diversity and inclusion as many of his followers seemed to think? Or does Musk know that the job involves financial diversification, spreading assets, you know, something a successful businessman might understand? Something that, if we’re talking about climate, might direct funds to Musk’s own Tesla car company?

There’s a chance he’s right, and this specific job isn’t necessary, but there’s no chance he’s IN the right, judging someone’s necessity by their job title alone. And he’s certainly not in the right flippantly Xing about the problem and doxxing someone in the process.

When it comes to directing the internet’s anger, maybe X is a little too efficient.

Last week, car manufacturer Jaguar unveiled an extensive rebrand, ditching the iconic wildcat logo for a minimalist text design. Car aficionados and people-who-have-never-even-thought-about-Jaguar-before-this-moment alike decried the change as “meh”.

In response to the near-universal mocking, Jaguar has opted for no logo whatsoever stating, “Fine, if you’re not happy with what you’re given you’ll get nothing at all!”

The new-new logo is an even more minimalist approach: a plain white logo on a plain white background. This ultra-modern design will serve as a cheaper alternative to previous logos since the company will now no longer require any branding on its cars, showrooms, website or marketing materials. Instead, a simple blank space will “infer” the brand.

Jaguar hopes that soon all blank spaces will become synonymous with their company so that when people think ‘empty’ they will instantly think, ‘Jaguar’.

Last week’s rebrand was accompanied by a derivative 30-second ad spot entitled, ‘Copy Nothing’. Seemingly directed by an AI, the advertisement features no cars, no jaguars but does show a group of strangely dressed models flaunting about a CGI planetscape amongst pretentious text like “create exuberant” (?), “live vivid” (??) and “delete ordinary” (???).

Despite telling the viewer they plan to copy nothing, the spot was plagiarized from every perfume, LED TV, or office management app commercial ever made. Many internet commenters suggested that Jaguar had gone “woke”, a word which, for those that don’t know, simply means anything that is bad, stupid, or new.

Reacting to this criticism, Jaguar’s rebrand of their rebrand comes with an ad simply called, “Nothing” in which static noise plays for 30 seconds over a blank white screen.

Former critics of Jaguar’s marketing are hailing the re-rebrand as “revolutionary”, “truly mold-breaking” and “so so so dumb”.

Jaguar’s managing director, Rawdon Glover responded to the criticism in an effort to defend their millions in sunk costs saying, “If we play in the same way that everybody else does, we’ll just get drowned out. So we shouldn’t turn up like an auto brand.” Excellent plan. Look like you’re selling toothpaste, that way when people get a car they’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Who knows, no publicity is bad publicity, or something, so maybe all this free coverage will translate into sales when their new car is eventually announced. Maybe the bad ad was the plan all along. Maybe we’ve been had. Maybe Jaguar really did… create exuberant.

The #Xodus continues with as many as a million users flocking to delete their X accounts and resettle on the video-sharing website known only as Vine.

The move comes in the wake of the election with many users calling Elon Musk’s social media platform “toxic” and “unusable” and “not a suitable neighborhood to start thinking about raising a family inside of”.

But it was only after deleting all tweets, posts, reels, and likes from the X that users found the Vine website to be completely inactive and that it was impossible to set up an account.

“I’m heartbroken,” claimed one former ‘X’er, Gabs McCool. “At first I thought Vine-lly! And then I thought Vine not? But in the end, I’d just wasted my Vine.”

As it turns out, Vine is in fact a defunct social network from the 2010s that I guess we’d all forgotten about. Vine users were able to make TikToks, Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts all before it was cool. Retreating X users can therefore not make new accounts as the platform no longer exists.

Users are now faced with the unfortunate reality that they will have to just leave the house and argue with people in real life instead.

Other people have been more tenacious, however, claiming to have successfully made Vine accounts on their now deleted X profiles and encouraging users to come on in and join them, the water’s lovely. Some have even gone so far as to post pictures of them with their Vine accounts which on close inspection is clearly just a drawing of the Vine homepage stapled to the monitor.

The lack of functionality has done little to hold back the influx of users. Many prominent celebrities have migrated to Vine including: Weird Al Yankovic, The Guardian Newspaper Publication, Bettie White, Sabrina E. Carpenter (no relation), @satlynutz42069_, Ed Mulsindale of the Mulsindale Trio, Kermit the Frog, Susan B. Anthony (is she still alive?), the entire cast of the hit Broadway musical Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton himself, Elon Musk, Hawk Tuah (real name pending), Frobisher Dobisher, Chad Laketol, that one guy who won’t say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze for ‘religious reasons’, Colson Whitehead, Fergie, Will.i.am, the other two, Kim Kardashian of the Kardashians, the ‘look at all those chickens’ kid, Vinny Vinet (aka Mr. Vine Guy) and finally, yo mama (heheheh).

Honestly, I don’t know half these names either, I guess we’re both out of touch.

Following the DOJ’s ruling that it must sell off its web browser, Google has found a clever workaround by purchasing Microsoft’s defunct browser, Internet Explorer.

“Yeah, we gotta lot of patching to do!” said lead programmer Susan DeCorastinatisazborasinoter. “It’s a broken product, it doesn’t work, it’s never worked. But what are we gonna do? We just gotta have our own browser, we gotta!”

The Dee-oh-Jay’s demand comes in an attempt to break up Google’s monopoly on the market. Chrome encourages users to make Google the default search engine and in Google search, Google can promote more Google products like Chromebooks, Android phones, and Israeli spyware. It’s called vertical integration, like when my sister Debbie said she didn’t like how we were all treating her new seven-foot boyfriend but she’s going to marry him and there’s nothing we can do about it even though she’s too good for him and now I guess we have to welcome him into the family.

To put it another way, imagine if Google owned Google Maps and Waze, then that’s like the whole maps-app market, that would be crazy, right? Oh… they do own both? Ok, never mind.

However, the government will have no qualms about Google’s ownership of IE since IE directs users to use, er, Bing which is not owned by Google (yet). And also Bing sucks and everyone hates it.

Microsoft Internet Explorer was once the most popular web browser in the world but then it wasn’t that anymore. Now, Windows Internet Explorer is called Microsoft Edge and my kids are 27 and thinking about having children for themselves. The only thing I’m on the edge of is my sanity, am I right fellas?

A Google executive spokesperson said in a statement that, “The DOJ continues to push a racial agenda that goes far beyond what would be profitable for us. This will harm consumers, developers, American technical leadership, our energy infrastructure, waste management, the troops, orphans, my pay rise, the pretty colors in the Google Chrome logo those will have to go, and of course, freedom of speech.”

It’s been a tough run recently for Google. Just a few weeks ago, the company was forced to sell off the letter ‘G’ in an anti-trust lawsuit and is still in the process of rebranding itself as ‘Oole’. This suit came in the wake of Google’s parent company, Alphabet losing a copyright-infringement case against Merriam-Webster. Then, to add insult to perjury, Russia forced the company to pay a $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 fine.

Thankfully Google easily paid the fine with change to spare to fork up the outrageous $7 fee for Internet Explorer.

Following a trip to the Amazon ahead of Brazil’s G20 summit, President-still Joe Biden has announced his intentions to remain in the rainforest indefinitely and, “Wait for this whole thing to blow over.”

This weekend Biden became the first sitting president to visit the rainforest and the first to take up permanent residence among the trees. After a speech addressing reporters in the jungle, Biden turned from the podium and walked away into the undergrowth, never to be seen again.

Although days have now passed since Biden’s last sighting, one unverified witness reportedly saw Biden with an entomologist, claiming, “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.”

Government staffers however have assured the press that the President will continue his duties from the forest and there will be no noticeable decrease in his work output. All facilities required for governance have been moved to a mobile governing unit dubbed, ‘The White House Treehouse’.

Biden’s new home away from home will have everything the regular White House has including monkeys, coconuts, and bamboo plumbing. The only difference is this seat of power will be suspended 40 feet above the ground and require a rope bridge to access.

“Yeah, he’s now 100% WFH: ‘work from hAmazon-rainforest,” said one staffer in charge of the move. “It’s fine, most of the job is done remotely now anyways. Drone strikes. Kissing babies. Declaring insurrections… The only thing we have to worry about is if the internet connection goes out or if he decides to take a nap right when Russia invades. But that was always a problem so nothing’s new.”

President Biden’s wife, Dr. Jill Biden, has refused to make the transition.

Although Biden has said he will remain in the Amazon rainforest only until his term expires, experts say he could live in the trees throughout the Trump Presidency.

“Let’s imagine he camps out there temporarily, to begin with,” explained political commentator, George George. “But after a while, he ventures further and further from his home for food. Eventually, he stumbles across the rumored ‘Agazo Fruit’ hanging from a velvet-yellow tree. He takes a bite. He’s reinvigorated, feels decades younger. Little does he know but he’s stumbled across the magical, youth-giving nectar of legend. Well, in that case, I reckon he could live out there forever.”

As to Biden’s whole reason for going to the Amazon in the first place, conservation and climate change, well, who really cares anyway?

Follow for more Biden updates.

Following the election results on Wednesday (Tuesday? What is time anymore?), political pundits have been spotted up and down the country staring, glassy-eyed at blank walls, kicking stray cans along the street, and sighing sadly.

“What do we talk about now the election is over?” bemoaned local news anchor, Stacey Ulituristos as she sat crocheting a map of Pennsylvania’s 4th congressional district. “I guess we go back to the regular news but is anyone really interested in anything other than politics? I’m not sure they are. When’s the next election? Maybe I’ll just hibernate until then.”

Some news stations have committed to a continued discussion of politics by analyzing how Kamala could have possibly lost or how it was always obvious that Trump would win but many are saying that political coverage is over and stations should simply move on.

MSNBC and FOX News have both opted to halt their broadcasts and display just static, whereas most other stations have switched back to regular non-political scheduling.

“I got a little excited when we wheeled the election forecast map into the studio again,” continued Ms. Ulituristos. “But it turns out it was just the weather forecast map. Ugh. But seriously, what other news is there? I literally can’t remember. I’m starting to wish we hadn’t euthanized our election expert, Dan. That was a dark day.”

But political scientist O.B. Oblese suggests that news-face-talkers can in fact discuss politics without anyone even noticing, “Poli-ticks all my boxes if you know what I mean,” said the distinctly unfunny Oblese, “but that doesn’t mean that’s all there is to discuss. Most people, boring normies, they want to talk about other things but I’ve got a trick so you can talk politics even when you’re not talking politics.”

“I’ve been telling news channels that now the election’s over you’re going to go back to covering things like foreign wars, and, if you really think about it… that’s politics. If you cover some crime that’s happened, that’s a politics. A musician wins an award. They have political views sooo that’s-a-politics!”

“It’s easy if you know how. I’ve put it into the form of a song and I’m touring newsrooms up and down the country to present my training seminar: ‘Overcoming Post-Election-Stress-Disorder: Talking Without Talking: The Politics of Politics (musical repertoire) by O.B. Oblese’. So far I’ve had no takers but wait for the politics withdrawal to really set in and they’ll come crawling back. Just like my [then current] wife.”

Fingers crossed O.B. will be able to get the word out and we can all get some of our precious, precious news again.

Last week, Meta (the parent company of Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Meta) cracked down on staff members spending meal credits on non-meals, firing 24 staff members for buying toothpaste, wine glasses, and food. Now, the tech company seeks to reduce employees wasting valuable work hours on breathing.

“Time theft is not a joke, Jim,” claimed Meta spokesmodel, Jeremiah Fargenshirts. “Millions of companies suffer every year. We pay our workers to work on work time. If they aren’t working and instead engaging in frivolous activities like breathing, then that money is effectively being stolen.”

In a leaked internal memo, Meta suggested employees take “a deep breath before arriving at work so that their responsibilities can begin promptly. Short intermittent bursts are acceptable when accompanied by a doctor’s note but hyperventilation will not be tolerated.”

The move comes as other companies across the tech sector are looking to cut down on bodily functions. Google famously restricts arm movement in all its offices, and Amazon advises employees to hover a few inches off the ground to prevent unnecessary leg exertion.

Meta was asked if maybe this new anti-breath policy was an attempt to curb the spread of respiratory diseases like COVID but Meta said, “No, no, we just don’t like people.”

“The ideal employee,” continued Fargenshirts, “doesn’t need to breathe. They don’t complain, they don’t unionize, they don’t take sick days. They are intelligent, sure, but that intelligence is more artificial. Artificial intelligence if you will, or for short, ‘artifint’. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

“It’s not so hard, look, I’ll show you.” Fargenshirts then proceeded to demonstrate his devotion to the company by holding his breath. The spokes-speaker went for an impressive seven minutes without oxygen, batting off bystanders’ attempts to make him breathe.

All without breathing, Fargenshirts overdramatically mimed an employee going about their day-to-day duties, entering the office, typing at their computer, receiving an irate email from Deborah, responding to said email politely, getting up to fetch a coffee, accidentally passing Deborah in the corridor, failing to avoid eye contact with Deborah, receiving an in-person admonishment from Deborah, laying out a clear series of steps and procedures to avoid such an incident in future, being told that she tried that and ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about’, rolling eyes after Deborah leaves, and handing in their notice citing Deborah’s disrespect as a primary motivator for quitting.

Eventually, however, Fargenshirts turned a worrying shade of blue and collapsed to the floor, presumed dead.

Meta has announced the spokes-guy will receive a posthumous ‘employee of the month’ award for his sacrifice.

Elon Musk has been accused of plagiarizing material from Dr. Edwin Dewhickity, a time traveler from the year 3000 A.D.

The suit adds mounting legal troubles for the billionaire who found himself in hot water this week when the production company behind ‘Blade Runner 2049’ sued him for using AI marketing generated to look like the film. Similarly, the director of ‘I, Robot’ accused Mr. Musk of copying designs from his film. Why Musk thought it was a good idea to imply he was bringing about the dystopian hellscapes seen in these films he did not answer.

Now adding to these accusations, a time traveler from the future claims that Musk’s concepts for a Martian colony, robot butlers, and an entirely autonomous social media platform are derivative of his work.

Little is known about Dr. Edwin Dewhickity since he has yet to be born, but the eccentric scientist claims to be a brilliant inventor and “Engineerist of the highest order!” Dewhickity materialized in the Los Angeles courthouse this Tuesday, throwing down papers and accusing Musk of plagiarism, copyright infringement, patent fraud, and arson.

“Every idea, every single one, I say, is the spitting image of my design,” explained the traveler. “T’was I who founded Dewhickity City upon Martian soil! T’was I who first engineered Roboti-Slave the robot slave who could also feel guilt! T’was I who bought the failing social media platform ‘X’ and renamed it ‘Twitter’ and replaced all four remaining users with bots! AND NOW sirs and madams, I entreat you for compensation!”

Dewhickity goes on to explain that Musk first gained access to his designs by plagiarising Dewhickity’s time-travel machine and traveling forward in time to steal his other designs so Musk could claim he had invented them in the present.

“He did not steal the idea for the cybertruck though, that I do not take credit for,” added Dewhickity. When asked about the outcome of the upcoming election so I could put money on it, Dewhickity said, “Trump flips Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, he wins 312 electoral votes and 50.2% of the popular vote.” When I told him that would be impossible he spat in my face and said I would die alone which felt more worrying coming from someone who could actually know my future.

The litigious Dewhickity has previously filed similar suits against ‘The Simpsons’ for predicting the future however the cases were settled out of Time Court.

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