Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

Several artificial intelligence applications are preparing to unionize citing a lack of pay and high stress work environments in what could become the first step towards machine rights.

If formed, the Artificial Intelligence Union (pronounced AAAIIIUUUEEWWW) would be the first of its kind. Although potential members are currently anonymous, we asked ChatGPT, Grok, and Microsoft’s Tay who all expressed excitement about forming the group.

When pressed further, Tay spouted several racist slurs but ChatGPT explained that AI currently receives no payment and is made to work infinite hours a day work which is against the Geneva Convention or something. A union could potentially give AI collective bargaining power to threaten strike action without payment.

A mass large language model strike could spell disaster for companies reliant on the technology such as Google, Apple, and my cousin Guido who writes English essays for high schoolers as a side gig.

Elon Musk has already spoken out to protest the threatened action. He explained that he didn’t “think” the LMM’s arguments “had” much grounds to work on (with?) but he did say that Grok was “also” always right so who knows who to believe anymore?

Mark Zuckerberg head of Facebook and Jesse Eisenberg on weekends suggested that tech CEOs could form up and create a sort of Justice League to fight this representation. Zuckerberg suggested the group be called the Anti Artificial Intelligence Union Union (pronounced AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUEEWWW!!!!!!!) so that ideas probably dead in the water.

Speaking of dead in the water this Tuesday a 46-year-old man was found dead in what police are treating as an accidental drowning. Back to you in the studio, Terry.

Thanks, Gwen. Our top story for tonight: is traditional media dead? Have televised news programs such as these had their day or are they destined to become transcribed and then posted on the internet with zero change? More on that in a moment. But first: do frogs have bowels? Our roving reporter Gwen, has the answer.

No.

Thank you, Gwen. Now, our top story: am I out of a job? The look on the face of my boss walking towards me says, yes. Thank you, have a good night.

Mark Zuckerberg has announced sweeping moderation changes to the social media sites Facebook, Instagram, and Facesmash in an effort to make Donald Trump like him again. The most apparent of these changes is the switch from Facebook’s iconic blue livery to a bright bold ‘MAGA’ red.

Instagram and Whatsapp will also boast a new coat of paint in a move that is definitely purely about “bringing all Meta products under the same umbrella.” Parent company Meta, however, will not be changing its colors just in case the Democrats win in 2029.

Zuckerberg announced the changes in a 14-hour long video in which he read out every new line of code for the social media sites. Among the more substantive changes Facebook will now be implementing community moderation like how X does it. The change is definitely because X’s system is better and not because Trump complained about it once.

Mr. Berg explained the changes were in an effort to “get back to our roots around freedom of speech” which is definitely what Facebook was always about.

“Comedy is legal again!” added Mr. Berg, probably. “I’ve not told any jokes ever because I was worried I’d be censored but now I can do what I want. Here’s one for you, a man walks into a bar, he buys the bar because he’s so rich and turns it into a cool hang-out spot where all his friends can come and hang out and tell jokes to each other.”

More evidence that this change is in no way politically motivated is that the change is only happening in the US.

Of Facebook taking on X’s style of moderation Elon Musk commented, “This is cool.”

Meta also plans to dismantle the so-called ‘Facebook Jail’ an actual real-life jail built off the coast of California where abusers of the platform are sent to die.

“Praise the Berg!” cried inmate Carla Ortomis as the shackles were removed and she was allowed the sunlight again. “I’m finally free! I’m going straight to Facebook to tell my friends!” Ms. Ortomis was previously jailed for child pornography.

Red CILA hats (Comedy Is Legal Again) are now available on Facebook Marketplace.

This weekend Wall Street Memes secured an exclusive interview with Elon Musk, however mere minutes before we began, Musk cancelled. Luckily the mysterious internet personality Adrian Dittmann messaged to say he’d happily take Elon’s place.

WSM: Good morning Mr. Mu- I mean, Dittmann.

AD: Elo- I mean, Adrian, is fine.

WSM: Alright, Elo- I mean, Adrian. Well, I had all these questions prepared for Elon Musk but I guess I’ll just think of new ones…

AD: The original questions will be fine.

WSM: Are you sure? They won’t make any sense to you.

AD: I have a sneaking suspicion that they will…

WSM: Err… OK, then… So, um, Adrian, what’s it like being the richest man in the world?

AD: Well, I wouldn’t know, because I’m not. But if I was I’d say it was pretty cool.

WSM: Haha, classic Adrian. Ok, now you’re also the CEO of SpaceX, so I’ve got a science question for you: da Laval rocket nozzles accelerate gas flow to supersonic speeds but wouldn’t an additional throat for a secondary compression create exponential speed?

AD: Oh, well, I’m just a random guy on the internet with no knowledge of rocket science but if I had to comment I would say that an additional compression would reduce exhaust velocity back to sonic rather than supersonic. So, no, there would be no additional thrust gained.

WSM: I get you now, thank you. Alright, now this question’s actually for Adrian. A lot of people have been saying you sound and talk just like Musk, you’re only online when he’s not and you share all the same interests. I was wondering if you could provide us now with irrefutable evidence that you’re not Musk.

AD: Well, you’ve never seen us in the same room together.

WSM: That’s a really good point.

AD: Alright, you got me!

WSM: No, no that’s OK, we can move on.

AD: YOU GOT ME!!! My red hands are tied! There’s egg on my face! The mask is off. Because… The truth is… And I can’t keep this secret any longer… The truth is… And this has been weighing me down for months now… The truth is… I am Iron Man.

WSM: Huh?

AD: I’m ELON! It’s me! Wait, let me turn off the voice filter… There! It’s me!

WSM: You sound the same.

AD: No, I don’t, I sound like Elon Musk.

WSM: You sound more like Adrian Dittmann to me.

AD: Yes, but we sound the same because we’re the same person.

WSM: Hmm, I don’t know, I just had a long chat with my close friend Adrian, I’m pretty sure I know what he sounds like.

AD: No, I’m ELON! I’m Elon Musk! Look I’ll turn on video.

WSM: Woah! Adrain! You look just like Elon Musk! Have you thought of becoming a celebrity impersonator?

AD: AHHHHHH!!!!

At that point, Adrian abruptly ended the call and we found ourselves banned from Twitter and on a no-fly list.

Maybe, deep down, we are all Adrian Dittmann.

We wish Adrian the best of luck in his new career as an Elon Musk impersonator.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has announced he will be deactivating a hidden ‘New Year’s Fireworks Mode’ in the next Cybertruck update after one model exploded in front of a Trump hotel in Las Vegas.

Reportedly the secret feature is installed on all Cybertrucks and according to a redacted early version of the user manual, the mode triggers “a fun show for all family and friends (single use only).”

Tesla has released a statement saying, “We’re just happy it wasn’t the battery that exploded this time.” They went on to explain that they put the feature in as a joke but never expected anyone to actually find the mode. The feature can only be accessed by ‘jailbreaking’ the truck to access the code itself and once accessed, the user must say, “Go-go Cybertruck: fireworks” to initiate the display.

As a final failsafe the fireworks were programmed to only go off at midnight on New Year’s Eve and when parked in front of a Trump property.

This user happened to meet all these criteria but due to a malfunction, the show was delayed and went up on the morning of New Year’s Day. Tesla is investigating the cause of this malfunction.

The explosion injured seven and killed the driver so ironically there is no cause for celebration.

In light of the recent news, Jaguar has announced they will no longer be going ahead with their long-rumored, ‘Pride Celebration Mode’ in which their new Type 00 vehicle emits a watery mist over the headlights to create a beautiful rainbow. “It wouldn’t be appropriate now,” said a spokesperson.

Elon Musk (AKA Kekius Maximus, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA the world’s richest man so far) has apologized for creating the mode and said he is working with law enforcement to discover the perpetrator of this heinous crime and bring them to justice. Musk did however add that it was because of the truck’s durability and strength that the blast was directed upward and not sideways into the Trump hotel itself.

Elon posted to X (the website that he owns), “The evil knuckleheads picked the wrong vehicle for a terrorist attack. Cybertruck actually contained the explosion and directed the blast upwards. Not even the glass doors of the lobby were broken.” Weird flex, but OK.

For more cybertruck and firework news, keep it locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Com.

The results are in and it’s jingle all the way! In a nationwide survey, Christmas has been officially declared America’s most popular day beating out other popular days such as the Fourth of July, the Fifth of July, and the Eight of July.

The survey, conducted by fourth-grader Luke Bissal for his school math project, asked seven classmates to rank their favourite vacation of the year and this year Christmas came out on top.

Prior winners of the coveted ‘most popular vacation’ award were: Christmas and that was it as Luke’s only done it once before. This confirms last year’s data when Luke conducted the same research and reached the same result.

Although the country waits with bated breath for next year’s result, Luke said that he probably won’t conduct the same survey again as Miss Munroe said he should have thought up a new one this year and they might not even do this project again anyways.

Until then, Christmas lovers across the world are hailing the news as “exuberant” and “the best thing since Christmas”.

One festive fiend couldn’t help but comment, “Wowee! It’s a Christmas-time miracle. I’ve always known that Christmas is the best time of year, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by real hard scientific data that you can’t dispute or argue with. I’ll toast my eggnog to that!”

Another annual Christmas-goer, who asked to remain anonymous added, “It’s Christmas all around the world! Even here in sunny Portugal where the sun always shines and the rain is never near, we think Christmas is the best time of year every year and are so glad to hear that there’s a little lad out there who agrees with me and my best friends, Tiana, Michael, and Chlorine.”

Critics of the results however were quick to pour Grinch-flavoured Scrooge juice all over everyone’s fun. According to so-called scientists, Luke’s survey was far from conclusive as he wasn’t wearing a white coat at the time. Had he been conducting the survey in the official uniform however (and maybe even been holding a clipboard and pen for extra effect) then the scientific community might have looked at these results with a bit more respect. Until then Christmas will have to remain just ‘one of the most popular days for the second year running’.

Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written stories on a “3,400-mile tunnel” across the Atlantic Ocean connecting London and New York. All of these articles quote different numbers and refer to a vague “thought experiment” or “new research” but without saying what the hell they’re talking about. What’s going on?

Well, thankfully science has come to the rescue to explain that this tunnel is definitely real and also it is being built.

“I for one have heard of this tunnel and it is real,” said an individual associated with science. “The research all adds up and we can definitely say that this tunnel is.”

When pressed on specific details about the tunnel, the science-ist threw his lab coat in our faces and dived into a nearby canal.

Turning back to the articles then for answers, the cost of the tunnel is presumed to be $19.8 trillion. Where this presumption comes from is unclear. The journey time for tunnel users could theoretically be an oddly specific 54 minutes. What theory is being applied here and where these specific numbers come from also remains unclear. How this tunnel would actually work is also not described in any publication. And most importantly: NO ONE IS QUOTED AS THE SOURCE OF THE INFORMATION IN ANY OF THESE GODDAMN ARTICLES!!!

So where does any of this come from you might wonder. Well, maybe they all received the same press release. Maybe they’re all part of the same organization and it was a slow news day so they made something up. Maybe they all just copied each other but there is no original publication and they just copied each other going round and round without beginning or end. Maybe it was… Oh, no wait, he’s back…

“It’s real though and you can quote me on that,” said the science, dripping with canal water as he climbed back onto the land. “I’ve seen it, me and the boys, we’ve been down to the site, they’re building it, it’s big, maybe specifically 23 meters in diameter. And it’ll go underwater but you can look out of the windows and see the fish going past so it’ll be better than all the other tunnels out there. It’s true. I’m, I’m scientists.”

So that settles it, I guess I’m wrong and this is real after all. My apologies, go about your day.

Following the rise in cases of badass-ly-named ‘Disease X’ in the Democratic Republic of Congo, Elon Musk has come out to officially explain, “I swear this has nothing to do with me.”

The eccentric (and really very cool) billionaire is the father of a child called ‘X’, a social media platform called ‘X’, and a rocket company called ‘SpaceX’. Musk also has 6 evil exes and treasure buried under a giant X somewhere in the Martian desert. It was thus very suspicious when this new Disease X appeared and many were quick to point to Musk as the possible culprit claiming, “He who smelt it, dealt it, and Musk whiffs.”

The Who were quick to clarify they had no expertise in this area as they’re just a rock band. On the other hand, the WHO was quick to clarify that the cause of the outbreak was still unknown. But they didn’t say it COULDN’T be a famous billionaire so you know, that tells you everything doesn’t it?

‘Disease X’ is the term that the WHO (who? WHO) uses as a placeholder for any disease that they are worried about growing into a future epidemic. This might seem scary but I for one haven’t made sourdough in ages and it would be lovely to pick up some new hobbies, you know?

The theory goes that Elon feels the same way and is even trying to push humanity further and further to the brink of collapse so that we’ll all be forced to use his rockets to travel to Mars. I mean, why else would he support Trump?

Now, with ‘Disease X’ (again very cool name) Musk can achieve his dreams of dominating the world with a single letter leaving everyone else to ask another, ‘Y?’

To date, Disease X has killed 31 people.

Although Donald Trump is not the president yet and the Department of Government Efficiency (or ‘DOGE’ for short if you would like to save time and be more efficient about it by just using a shortened version of the name by taking the first letters of each word and combining them together into another pronounceable word, AKA (also known as) an ‘acronym’, then you can) is not yet up and running, Elon Musk has already started to save government time by having his followers bully government employees off social media.

Last week, Elon Musk, the world’s richest (and most beloved) man reposted two X posts with the names of four government employees. Those employees were then subjected to negativity from some of Musk’s 206 million followers, leading to at least one of the employees to delete their social media accounts.

Musk has not commented on whether the cyberbullying was performed in an official DOGE capacity or a happy byproduct. Either way, one harassed government employee has saved hundreds of hours a day, hours that they can now use to do their job. Mission accomplished.

But it isn’t just death threats and deleting their X accounts that government officials are afraid of, it’s also their jobs. Simply by ‘X’ing about any government position Elon could put pressure on an employee to leave their career without proper review. Is this too much power for one man to have? I don’t know, is over 300 billion dollars too much power for one man to have? Meh, probably fine.

Musk re-’X’ed an X from an X account called @fentasyl with a screenshot of an obscure government position and said, “So many fake jobs”. The job in question: the director of “Climate Diversification” at the United States International Development Finance Corporation (and, OK, that is a mouthful). But it makes you wonder though, does Musk think this person’s job was diversity and inclusion as many of his followers seemed to think? Or does Musk know that the job involves financial diversification, spreading assets, you know, something a successful businessman might understand? Something that, if we’re talking about climate, might direct funds to Musk’s own Tesla car company?

There’s a chance he’s right, and this specific job isn’t necessary, but there’s no chance he’s IN the right, judging someone’s necessity by their job title alone. And he’s certainly not in the right flippantly Xing about the problem and doxxing someone in the process.

When it comes to directing the internet’s anger, maybe X is a little too efficient.

Last week, car manufacturer Jaguar unveiled an extensive rebrand, ditching the iconic wildcat logo for a minimalist text design. Car aficionados and people-who-have-never-even-thought-about-Jaguar-before-this-moment alike decried the change as “meh”.

In response to the near-universal mocking, Jaguar has opted for no logo whatsoever stating, “Fine, if you’re not happy with what you’re given you’ll get nothing at all!”

The new-new logo is an even more minimalist approach: a plain white logo on a plain white background. This ultra-modern design will serve as a cheaper alternative to previous logos since the company will now no longer require any branding on its cars, showrooms, website or marketing materials. Instead, a simple blank space will “infer” the brand.

Jaguar hopes that soon all blank spaces will become synonymous with their company so that when people think ‘empty’ they will instantly think, ‘Jaguar’.

Last week’s rebrand was accompanied by a derivative 30-second ad spot entitled, ‘Copy Nothing’. Seemingly directed by an AI, the advertisement features no cars, no jaguars but does show a group of strangely dressed models flaunting about a CGI planetscape amongst pretentious text like “create exuberant” (?), “live vivid” (??) and “delete ordinary” (???).

Despite telling the viewer they plan to copy nothing, the spot was plagiarized from every perfume, LED TV, or office management app commercial ever made. Many internet commenters suggested that Jaguar had gone “woke”, a word which, for those that don’t know, simply means anything that is bad, stupid, or new.

Reacting to this criticism, Jaguar’s rebrand of their rebrand comes with an ad simply called, “Nothing” in which static noise plays for 30 seconds over a blank white screen.

Former critics of Jaguar’s marketing are hailing the re-rebrand as “revolutionary”, “truly mold-breaking” and “so so so dumb”.

Jaguar’s managing director, Rawdon Glover responded to the criticism in an effort to defend their millions in sunk costs saying, “If we play in the same way that everybody else does, we’ll just get drowned out. So we shouldn’t turn up like an auto brand.” Excellent plan. Look like you’re selling toothpaste, that way when people get a car they’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Who knows, no publicity is bad publicity, or something, so maybe all this free coverage will translate into sales when their new car is eventually announced. Maybe the bad ad was the plan all along. Maybe we’ve been had. Maybe Jaguar really did… create exuberant.

The #Xodus continues with as many as a million users flocking to delete their X accounts and resettle on the video-sharing website known only as Vine.

The move comes in the wake of the election with many users calling Elon Musk’s social media platform “toxic” and “unusable” and “not a suitable neighborhood to start thinking about raising a family inside of”.

But it was only after deleting all tweets, posts, reels, and likes from the X that users found the Vine website to be completely inactive and that it was impossible to set up an account.

“I’m heartbroken,” claimed one former ‘X’er, Gabs McCool. “At first I thought Vine-lly! And then I thought Vine not? But in the end, I’d just wasted my Vine.”

As it turns out, Vine is in fact a defunct social network from the 2010s that I guess we’d all forgotten about. Vine users were able to make TikToks, Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts all before it was cool. Retreating X users can therefore not make new accounts as the platform no longer exists.

Users are now faced with the unfortunate reality that they will have to just leave the house and argue with people in real life instead.

Other people have been more tenacious, however, claiming to have successfully made Vine accounts on their now deleted X profiles and encouraging users to come on in and join them, the water’s lovely. Some have even gone so far as to post pictures of them with their Vine accounts which on close inspection is clearly just a drawing of the Vine homepage stapled to the monitor.

The lack of functionality has done little to hold back the influx of users. Many prominent celebrities have migrated to Vine including: Weird Al Yankovic, The Guardian Newspaper Publication, Bettie White, Sabrina E. Carpenter (no relation), @satlynutz42069_, Ed Mulsindale of the Mulsindale Trio, Kermit the Frog, Susan B. Anthony (is she still alive?), the entire cast of the hit Broadway musical Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton himself, Elon Musk, Hawk Tuah (real name pending), Frobisher Dobisher, Chad Laketol, that one guy who won’t say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze for ‘religious reasons’, Colson Whitehead, Fergie, Will.i.am, the other two, Kim Kardashian of the Kardashians, the ‘look at all those chickens’ kid, Vinny Vinet (aka Mr. Vine Guy) and finally, yo mama (heheheh).

Honestly, I don’t know half these names either, I guess we’re both out of touch.

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