Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Beijing has denied claims by Donald Trump that they talk “every day” about tariffs and that they are ‘besties’. Instead, China says that they have set Trump’s WhatsApp to ‘mute’ and are considering soft-blocking or even blocking the US President.

On Wednesday, Trump told reporters at the Oval Office that they were ready for a trade deal with China but such a deal “depends on them”. However he did offer promising news saying that China’s last text did end with two ‘x’s as opposed to the regular one. Analysts are interpreting these symbols as a ‘kiss’ and a sign of goodwill.

However a spokesman for the Chinese commerce ministry said it was all lies, but who’s to say he isn’t lying?

Donald Trump had this to say in response, “China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Shiner, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China.”

He then continued, “China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Chinese China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China-China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Taiwan, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China.”

So, I guess you can see why they put him on mute.

It’s a bold negotiating strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

It’s been a busy week, what with Trump threatening Fed Chair Jerome Powell, then saying that he wouldn’t fire him, even though, oh boy, does he want to. At the same time, Elon Musk has said he plans to spend less time on DOGE in order to focus on bringing Tesla out of its stock nose dive.

Well, now the dynamic duo has announced a plan that could kill two birds with one stone. Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move.

That’s right, they’re going to replace JP with a Tesla bot.

Now, they claim that Trump has no plans to fire him and the bot is “just for decoration” but he’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine what else would you build a robot for but managing the federal reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’ this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’ this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

The Tesla Optimus was initially pitched as an AI android helper but secretly it was actually designed for one job and one job only: setting the interest rates to a level that makes Trump happy.

If all goes according to plan, the Tesla Optimus will be sworn in next week and start Chairing the fuck out of that Fed before the end of the month.

Naturally, Tesla will have complete control over the robot and thus the entire economy. Call it a ‘backdoor DOGE’ if you like. And finally Trump will be happy.

And to those naysayers saying this is unconstitutional and that you can’t have a robot running the Federal Reserve, Musk already has a response for you, “Shut up.”

The only thing the Constitution says about robots is that we’re not allowed to build a robot Abraham Lincoln and guess what? Disney already did it so I feel like we can just throw out that whole document now can’t we?

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords and truly believe that an economy married inextricably to Tesla stock is a healthy one.

The former Mr. Powell declined to comment on this piece.

For more on this story click here: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the first time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and called him mean names. Coupled with a frightening stock drop, investors are now turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold and gold related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on gold if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on, but now with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Dow Jones (I’ve never met him but I’ve heard he’s lovely) has made his hardest drop since he used to DJ during the great depression. This is scary because that was a bad time. Historians predict that various 1930s trends are likely to make a comeback, including hobos and old-timey scales.

Gold And Days

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck millionaires.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

President Donald Trump has lashed out at Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, calling him “a major loser” and “Mr. Too Late” for not lowering interest rates. With his firing potentially imminent, here are Trump’s Top 10 picks to take over the position.

1. SBF (essbeef)

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

2. Kanye

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies enemy is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

3. Tiffany Fong

Who? Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

4. Barron

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

6. No One

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

7. Jerome Powell

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

8. Elon Musk

I mean, does he need an introduction? Musk’s been doing a great job with the DOGE and all that, so I could think of no one better to lead the economy of the country than someone who will do exactly what Trump tells him to.

9. A Can Of Beans (bean can)

This is my personal favorite pick. The thing is, what’s the Fed chair got to do but sit there and look pretty? I reckon a can o’ beans is the prettiest gal on the block, I’d give her a shot, sure, how hard can it be!

10. JD Vance

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

And for a secret eleventh option: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

It’s quiet in the halls of the White House today. A dark cloud has descended over the Washington skies. Pumpulina, the Capuchin monkey who decided tariffs for foreign exports, has sadly passed away at the age of six.

Pumpulina was born in the Cincinnati Zoo and lived there until one zoo keeper noted that she would become particularly involved in distributing food to other monkeys. The keeper contacted a local economist who brought Pumpulina away for study.

As it turned out, Pumpulina was extremely adept at applying economic tariffs to foreign exports. When given a toy globe, Pumpulina would identify the country she would like to be tariffed by throwing her own faeces at the map. Researchers would then determine the size and pungency of the tariff by how much shit had been thrown.

It wasn’t long before this phenomenal ability caught the attention of Washington.

After earning an honorary degree in economics from Harvard, Pumpy finally received the highest honor a monkey can receive when she was granted unrestricted control of tariffs on foreign exports during Trump’s second term.

Monkey Business

Pumpulina was all ready to bring the United States into a new era of unprecedented economic prosperity however, Pumpulina unfortunately contracted rabies mere days before Trump took office.

None of the staffers seemed to notice the monkey’s increasingly erratic behaviour and illogical economic decisions. They were all blinded by Lil Pump’s former brilliance.

Pumpu-Baby decided to incur massive tariffs that increased over time and then u-turned on a bunch of others in a strategy that would only make sense to a rabid monkey. Everyone went along with the choices, however, because, of course, the Pump-inator knows what she’s doing.

But rabies comes for us all in the end, and Ms. Pumpulina tragically lost her long battle with the debilitating virus, passing away in her sleep this Friday.

Pumpulina will receive a state funeral and be buried in the Capitol Rotunda.

And the tariffs are likely to get a bit more sensible from now on.

Rest In Peace, Pumpulina.

Unmasked singer, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, AKA Katy Perry, has opened up about her struggle with adjusting to life back on Earth following her marketing stunt, sorry, ‘mission’ to visit the atmosphere of Earth, sorry, ‘space’.

“How do I describe my experience?” said Perry on the Blue Origin livestream, “Well, to quote my popular song, E.T. ft Kayne West, ‘It’s supernatural: extraterrestrial.’”

“When you are weightless in space, you feel, how do I put this… weightless. And you look out into the infinite black void of space, and it just feels so much bigger than the infinite black void of your career. Really gives you perspective, you know?”

Perry, who spent a total of four minutes in space, now says she is finding Earth life challenging, “I dropped a coffee cup the other day thinking it would just float there, but it didn’t. Now, I sleep standing up and I can’t eat anything that isn’t astronaut ice cream.”

Taking Up Too Much Space

The 40-year-old singer now plans to make her return shortly, but this time on a one-way trip.

“I just feel I must return. Space is my true home now. I need to be amongst the stars with the lizard men of Gylorp 5. Wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention them. Can you cut that bit out?”

Perry has booked passage on NASA’s first mission to Mars planned for 2035. Whereas all other crew members will serve the roles of engineers, doctors, and scientists, Katy will be the mission’s “Bard” and “Perform some of the many hits from my catalogue and just keep the love flowing. Trust.”

This Mars mission will be one-way for Perry, who claims she hopes to die on the red planet.

“To infuse my red blood with the red earth would bring God one thousand smiles.”

Katy Perry’s single, ‘Firework’, is out now.

Insightful Perspective

Just for giggles, here’s Perry’s post-landing interview answers in full:

Interviewer: How do you feel?

“I feel super connected to love, so connected to love I think this experience has shown me you never know how much love is inside of you like how much love you have to give and how loved you are until the day you launch.”

Why was it important to bring a daisy?

“Daisies are common flowers but they grow through any condition they grow through cement they go through cracks they grow through walls they are resilient they are powerful they are strong they are everywhere flowers are to me God’s smile but it’s also a reminder of our beautiful earth and the flowers here and God’s smile and the beautiful magic that is everywhere all around us and even in a simple daisy so to really appreciate it and remember it and take care of it and protect it.”

What was the song you sang up there?

“What a wonderful world.”

Why was that important to sing that particular song?

“I’ve covered that song in the past and um obviously like my higher self is always steering the ship because I had no clue that one day I would decide to sing a little bit of that in space but I think that it’s not about me it’s not about singing my songs it’s about a collective energy in there it’s about us it’s about making space for future women and taking up space and belonging and it’s about this wonderful world that we see right out there and appreciating it this is all for the benefit of Earth.”

Where does this experience rate for you?

“This experience is second to being a mom yeah that’s it and that’s why it was hard for me to go because that’s all my love right there and and I have to surrender and trust that the universe is going to take care of me and protect me and also my family and my daughter because like I am full up from being able to get that gift of be being a mom and and to go to space is incredible and I wanted to model courage and um worthiness and fearlessness.”

What was your mom’s reaction:

“I have only seen my mom and I was like “Are you okay mom?” She just She just knew she knew she was totally okay and I I’m sure she was speaking in tongues underneath her breath as she does um all the time she would do that for anything else but definitely today um but she was so super confident my mom she has this thing where she can see i mean even down to the name of like the capsule being tortoise.”

“I just asked for a sign from the heavens from my angels and they’re like “Well here’s the feather which is what your mother calls you.” And if that’s not enough the capsule is named tortoise which is your second nickname that your mother calls you i’m like “Okay I’m going i’m going i got the message and I’m going to get the message.”

Describe the moment you took off and landed.

“I mean it is the highest high and it is surrender to the unknown trust um and this whole journey is not just about going to space it’s the training it’s the the team it’s the whole thing I couldn’t recommend this experience more this is like up there with all the you know different um tools that I’ve learned in my life for meditation to the Hoffman process this is up there because what you’re doing is you’re find you’re like really finding the love for yourself because you got to trust in yourself on this journey and then you’re feeling the love when you come down for sure and you’re feeling that strength so I feel really connected to that strong divine feminine right now.”

Will you write a song about this experience?

“Oh for sure and not only that I um got to reveal my set list for the tour on a butterfly how apppropo incredible just flying in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever done that before so I’ll just…”

“10 out of 10, that’s my review. Definitely go for it. 10 out of 10.”

In an idea that has never before been tried for good reason, Donald ‘The Jay’ Trump will attempt to add a secret third direction to the US stock markets after no one seemed to like the ups and downs of last week.

The news follows the topic of Trump’s tumultuous tariffs that have left everyone second-guessing the cost of their bulk order of defective Chinese defibrillators.

“We’re going to make a big announcement, Tuesday, maybe, maybe, later, but it’s going to be big,” explained Trump succiencely in a press conference today. “We’ve tried up, we’ve tried down, you people didn’t seem to like either, so we’re doing something else. Maybe a loopdeloop, I don’t know. Maybe a dead end? Could be fun. We’ll see.”

Financial analysts reportedly have their fingers crossed that Trump’s new direction will simply be a straight, flat line. You know, just to give everyone a breather, catch up with themselves for once.

Simultaneously, financial analysts are keeping their fingers uncrossed for the very real possibility that Trump’s secret third direction might be backwards.

“Trump’s made a lot of unprecedented changes recently,” explained Barry Gurstewin, CEO of MoneySlut, “Maybe he does have the power to reverse time, we just don’t know.”

A new direction of backwards would correspond with Trump’s desire to ‘Make America Great Again’ (or Mamericaga for short), a statement which famously refers to the past.

Speculants in the finance sector (them again) also suggest that this whole thing might be a grift, like a pump and dump but on a national, nay, global level. It’s simple, you just short the economy or sell before the dip, then crash the economy, then undo what you did so it’s all back to normal, and in the chaos of whatever the next thing is, everyone will forget this ever happened. It’s so simple an idiot could do it. …Or an idiot could do it by accident. Unclear which one we’ve got here…

Whelp, that’s the news. For any more news, you can read the news below and to the side on this website. Also, don’t forget to like and subscribe to this website.

President Donald Trump has clarified his already exceedingly clear explanation on his exemption to the tariff pause. Tweeting on Truth Social, Trump explained that exemptions to the restrictions might be restricted.

This potential pause on his previous pause on exemption restriction pausing marks a U-turn on his previous U-turn, however, this back-peddling on his back-peddling means that he is now going forward. So that’s a good thing, actually.

{Pause for applause}

But, as political scholars are quick to point out, Trump might face a legal roadblock as his new “no paws” stance defies the constitutional “right to bear-arms”.

Trump countered to this counter, citing “probable pause”.

According to the internet, Trump wrote, “NOBODY is getting “off the hook” for the unfair Trade Balances…” Now game recognize game here as you will note the excellent pun there. You see, Trump is referring to the exemption he made to tariffs on smartphones. Now, old timey phone receivers used to be literally hung on hooks (which is where the phrase ‘hang up’ comes from). Whether you love him or hate him, Trump sure knows his phone history.

Anyway, “…especially not China which, by far, treats us the worst! There was no Tariff “execption” announced on Friday. These products are subject to the existing 20% Fentanyl Tariffs, and they are just moving to a different Tariff “bucket”. The Fake News knows this, but refuses to report it.”

Now, this is an idea that I completely understand and can explain simply to you now. You see, Trump has placed a Tariff on Fentanyl being sold in buckets. Any Fentanyl that overflows by 20% is subject to a Tariff until it’s not. And if anyone tries to explain it differently, they’re talking FAKE NEWS.

Reportedly, Trump is now exploring a secret “third direction” for the markets to go in after trials of both “up” and “down” were unsuccessful last week.

Watch this space for the inevitable complete U-turn on this same topic tomorrow.

Or, for a better joke on this same story, go read The Onion.

BREAKING NEWS: In an effort to infinitely diversify his portfolio, the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has bought Nasdaq, Inc., the company that owns and operates the Nasdaq stock market.

NASDAQ was eager to finalise the buyout with Elon Musk after they filed for bankruptcy following months of massive stock market crashes caused by Elon Musk.

Tweeting (X-ing, whatever) about the purchase, Elon has already stated his plan to rebrand the market ‘X-Stonks Exchange’, fitting with his love of memes, the letter ‘X’, and being lame.

To see Musk’s full press release from X, you can read the entirety of his statement below:

“NASDAQ = Xtonks”

Alongside the purchase, Mr. Musk plans to release a crypto-meme-currency-coin $XTONKS and accompanying merch. I plan on buying myself a hat.

Additionally, E.M. has said he will strip the company of all its baggage and everything that made it run effectively. Elon will fire 46% of the staff, and those that remain will be allowed to work so long as they conduct all their tasks with Musk’s AI, Grok.

Now, although this may appear that Musky Man will now have full control over the NASDAQ xtonks exchange itself, this is not the case. Yes, Elon now has full ownership of all companies listed on the exchange. And yes, will be given access to a pen and the big room with all the squiggly lines so that he can draw his own. But he’s a good guy, and he would never draw Tesla stock going up. No, that would be a conflict of interest, so he probably wouldn’t do that.

Again, Elon is the richest man in the world and controls half the government, he doesn’t need this. For him, this is a side project, like his kids.

Hopefully, the Elon purchase will bring more transparency to the opaque process and answer questions like, ‘How come NASDAQ is publicly traded on the NASDAQ?’ ‘How do they choose those silly names, and can I have one?’ and ‘What even is money anyways?’

Donald Trump’s liberation day is finally upon us, praise be! As was foretold in the prophecies of yore, “And lo, the one who has a hue of orange shalt descend from his tower and proclaim the taxes to be one quart of all importations.”

Yes, this is the news that President Trump’s tariffs will now take effect. At the time of writing, the death toll is only at 4 million, which was the lower end of estimates.

‘Liberation Day’, modelled after the 1996 science fiction movie, ‘Independence Day’ also involves a full-scale war against all hostile invaders. However, where it says, ‘full scale war’ read, ‘trade war’ and where it says ‘hostile invaders’ read, ‘Chinese manufacturing’.

Stock markets have plummeted ahead of the announcement, and foreign countries have already promised reciprocal tariffs, but THERE AIN’T NO BREAKS ON THE TARIFF TRAIN!

Look, I’m no economist, and maybe we’ll come out the other side of this with more money and more of that sweet, sweet manufacturing than ever before. But then again, I’m also not an economist, and the view from the ground is that costs are going up, and again, millions are dead.

Liberation Is A State Of Mind

But there’s more to tariffs than just money. Trump sees these tariffs like… what’s the word for blackmail that isn’t ‘blackmail’?… Trump sees the tariffs as a bargaining chip to encourage neighbors to do more to curb the immigration of the two worst things: fentanyl and people.

As a major importer, Trump will be able to use the tariffs as a carrot and stick to get foreign governments to fall in line. Hopefully.

The knock-on effect will but nuts. Like, it’s crazy how one guy can be like, ‘yeah, tariffs’ and then economies from Vietnam to Guam potentially have all their businesses upended.

It’s crazy that this one day could be a pivot point into a new era of history. Think about that. OK, not too hard, you’ll hurt yourself.

To read more about the tariffs, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

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