Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January.

Hogan, whose real name is embarrassingly Terry Gene Bollea, will serve in the new role focused on domestic, foreign and wrestling policy.

Donning swimming goggles, a red bandana, and a red suit with the sleeves cut off, the 71-year-old addressed a crowd of reporters to accept the appointment. “I’m BACK, Hulkamaniacs! America is gonna get great again, BROTHER!!! …I hereby formally accept this governmental appointment and do solemnly vow to uphold its values… err… brother.”

“January 20th. That’s the day we’re gonna smackdown on the economy. Smackdown on terrorism. Smackdown on those stickin’ illegal border crossings. Smackdown on a diplomatic solution to the Israel-Palestine war. And we’re gonna SMACK… DOWN on abortion rights! Brrrrrotha!!!!!”

How the Hulk Machine will achieve these goals remains unclear as details are slim about the precise responsibilities of the Secretary of Whoopin’ Ass. Political experts have suggested the position would involve “asses” and that said asses would then be “whooped”, hopefully figurately.

Hollywood Hogan concluded the ceremony by leaping from the stage into the crowd of reporters, bodyslamming FOX News political correspondent, Michael Pedri to the floor and knocking Hogan himself unconscious.

Mr. Hogan’s appointment comes after a string of similar team announcements from the president-in-waiting. Tom Hogan (no relation)… wait, sorry, Tom Homan, with an ‘m’, and Elise Stefanik were most recently added to the team. Neither are wrestlers.

Still waiting to be picked for the team like kids lined up in the playground are desperate-to-go-viral billionaire Elon Musk and desperate-to-no-longer-be-viral politician Robert F Kennedy Jr. Neither are wrestlers.

Trump’s picks are hard on the border, hard on foreign policy but soft if left unrefrigerated. The appointments are scheduled to expire within the first few months of the administration just in time for the traditional “changing of the guard”, a staple of Trump’s government.

In other wrestlo-politicale news, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has officially endorsed the Harris campaign commenting, “I’m not too late, am I?”

Following the untimely death of the squirrel influencer, Peanut (P’Nut to his friends), President-elect Donald Trump has announced that a state funeral will be held in the pet’s honor.

Peanut’s owner and OnlyFans model, Mark ‘Squirrel Daddy’ Longo has retained possession of the body which will be embalmed and, after a funeral procession through Washington will lie in state in the Capitol’s rotunda for two weeks so the nation may pay its respects.

A squirrel ambassador was spotted visiting Vice President Harris prior to her concession speech, apparently in order to negotiate the appearance of the squirrel delegates at Peanut’s funeral.

Incumbent President Joseph Robinette Biden refused to comment saying, “Trump can’t do that you know, I’m still the president. He can’t just start having state funerals for anything he likes. I’m supposed to have the next one, not some rabid tree rat.”

Foreign dignitaries from around the world are expected to attend including the ambassador to Nigeria (that’s a really good get).

In New York it is illegal to keep wild animals as pets however Longo sought to classify Peanut as an educational creature because, I guess, he promotes pornography and that’s educational? After a dramatic raid of Longo’s property, Peanut was seized and euthanized in order to test for rabies, like how my half-brother Guiseppe died when he had a blood test but that was more of an accident because they forgot to turn the valve off or something and they sucked all the blood out of him like a raisin. RIP G.

Peanut then became a martyr for supporters of Donald Trump because… wait I don’t get it, what’s the connection? Hold on, I’ll look it up… Ok, so it’s about government oversight, Trump supporters don’t agree with the government coming for illegally held individuals like migrants or… wait no, that’s not right.

Ok, well, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Point is, now everyone’s all about this dead squirrel which is normal and now they’re going to have a big ol’ funeral with an iddy-biddy coffin it’s gonna be adorable and maybe we’ll finally get to see Trump cry.

There was another animal that was also euthanized after the seizure, a raccoon named Fred. Fred however will not receive the same funeral as he was thrown into a pit off the interstate.

Just one week before the election, Donald Trump has declared Elon Musk as his Vice Presidential pick in a move that has surprised and baffled voters.

The decision was declared spontaneously at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally to confusion from his supporters. “And EElon! Musk. Beautiful guy. Great guy. Where is he? He has his rockets. Maybe I’ll make him my Vice President? Who knows? I think I’ll do it. JD you’re out of here! Get him out of here! EElon! EElon! Come up here. Next Vice President everybody!”

Musk then took the stage to accept the role saying, “I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark, gothic MAGA.” This was in reference not only to his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, the ‘dark MAGA’ meme, and the time he’d said this before but also to the fact the font was in gothic script. There are so many layers you see, it’s very clever. You’ll get it, just let it sink in.

JD Vance was said to be blindsided by the announcement. When asked what he would do now replied that he’d probably go back to his job selling sofas in IKEA. Vance now joins a long list of Trump’s dumped VPs including Mike Pence, celebrity Apprentice contestant Meat Loaf, and the haunted corpse of Steve Bannon.

Elon Musk has been campaigning vigorously for Trump on the campaign trail making him a natural VP choice since much of his business relies on government contracts. In return for the promotion, Trump has offered the billionaire a role in the Department of Government Efficiency (which spells DOGE because of course it does). In this capacity Elon pledges to cut $2 trillion in government spending by removing the olives from the White House canteen.

It is unclear whether Musk is eligible to be Vice President, however, as his student visa is due to expire in December. If voted into office the new VP might be faced with the awkward task of deporting himself.

The news also comes off the back of a lawsuit from the Philadelphia District Attorney against Musk who is running a $1 million lottery for registered voters in Pennsylvania. In retaliation to the suit, Musk immediately offered a $2 million lottery prize for anyone who countersues the DA. Experts say that election fraud will have no bearing on the results.

The newly rebranded ticket of ‘Trump Musk’ (which in some cultures translates to ‘fart smell’) is estimated to put the campaign back $400 million in rebranded lawn signs alone.

This weekend former President Donald Trump smoked marijuana during a podcast with comedian(ish) Joe Rogan and immediately mellowed out.

Whilst discussing politics in a sealed, windowless room, Mr. Josepher James Rogan (no relation to Dana White) offered the Republican nominee a fat doobie.

“Is that a cigar? I mean, it’s legal, right? I guess if it’s not, I’ll make it legal.”

Trump, famously a teetotaller was reportedly pressured into partaking in the drug by his host, calling Rogan a bully early on in the episode. “You know more about bullies than anybody probably around because you deal in that.”

Once both host and guest were completely ripped, Trump got into policy. After previously declaring that he would build a wall and Mexico would pay for it, the Republican nominee seemed a bit less fussed.

“People are nicer than you think. I think let ‘em come, why not? If they’re chill they can come in. We’ll do that, we’ll have a chill test and if they’re chill then they can hang.”

When asked whether he lost the 2020 election, Trump again seemed more relaxed, “I lost by, like, I didn’t lose.”

Then, as is the requirement with all drug-induced discussions, the topic changed to life on other planets. “There’s no reason not to think that Mars and all these planets don’t have life,” said Trump between rips, clearly speaking as someone who’s never been to Uranus. “Maybe it’s life that we don’t know about.”

Trump then referred to Rogan multiple times as “Roe Jogan”, hallucinated that he was on an episode of Oprah, and danced, ‘the Weave’ to Ave Maria.

The episode, hailed by many as the final nail in the coffin of mainstream media, has boosted Trump’s polling by 420%. Should Trump win the presidency, he is likely to credit Mr. Jogan entirely and offer him the position of Secretary of State.

Democratic nominee Kamala Harris has yet to appear on the show but has offered Jogan a royal pardon for drug/supplement-related charges should she enter the White House in return for a guest spot on the podcast.

This just in, today of all days, Donald J. Trump (the ex-president) has probably done something unusual for a presidential candidate to do.

Yes, with just a few weeks or days (depending on when you’re reading this) from (or after) the election, Donald Jonathan Trump has said or done a thing that was deliberate or wasn’t and has upset/delighted a lot of people.

The behavior was both unusual for an older gentleman and strange for any human to perform. [Insert insightful/witty observation here] However, in a stunning reversal of events, the Donald’s antics have shocked those who don’t like him and excited those who do.

Here’s a quote from someone with an opinion on the matter, “Well, I thought what this man did was certainly a thing that happened. Personally, it’s been all I can think about since my wife died. And I would like that on the record please.”

This is not the first time Mr. Trump has been known to make a thing happen that we did not expect. Just yesterday, Trump also did something along these lines. Add this to a series of things throughout the years that seem a bit odd or shocking and it actually seems kind of normal, doesn’t it?

[Note to self, if you’re low on word count here feel free to beef it up with some AI-generated text since it’s unlikely anyone will read this far anyway. Or, if you like, you could even use this space to express your thoughts and feelings. Maybe a little poem perhaps? Just really make it yours.]

It remains to be seen if the other candidate will be able to also do something that people will talk about but we’re hoping no, because Trump is funnier. You know, with his hair and odd posture, I suppose.

Whether this sort of headline-grabbing behavior was always just a stunt to create free publicity that keeps eyes on him and moves the focus away from his opposition by keeping people talking about Trump regardless of whether that talk is good or bad it doesn’t matter because both motivate the people who are going to vote to go and vote, we’re not changing minds here we’re just part of a machine that runs on attention instead of gasoline and we can’t say no to slurping up jet fuel when it’s offered to us even if that’s just what they want us to do and none of this is a new observation but it’s amazing how nothing’s changed because I guess it’s easy not to feel culpable when every action feels so small… or whether it’s just random, I guess we’ll never know.

What does this mean for the election and the future of the world and humanity as we know it? Hopefully not much.

TEMPLATE! DO NOT PUBLISH!

KAZAN, RUSSIA – Vladimir Putin has gathered over 20 friendly heads of state at his secret lair to devise devious deceits to bring down the West and everything it stands for.

Among the leaders are China’s Xi Jinping, Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian, US billionaire Lex Luthor and the telepathic evil monkey, Gorilla Grodd.

With the summit Putin aims to demonstrate that Russian sanctions are ineffective and there is nothing that Superman or any kind of man for that matter can do to stop them.

BRICS stands for Brazil, Russia, India and South Africa, so really it should be ‘BRICSA’ but that’s not a word so they couldn’t do that. Although Egypt, Ethiopia, Iran and the United Arab Emirates have now joined the group they were initially refused entry because BRICSAEEIUAE was too hard to pronounce.

Previously Lego has attempted to sue Russia for the use of the term ‘BRICS’ but the filing was dismissed out of court.

Putin was unable to attend last year’s BRICS due to the warrant for his arrest after he was caught shoplifting large swathes of land from Eastern Europe. However, the Russian president was present via video call and said, “Let’s do this at my place next time.”

The summit agenda will include obligatory photo ops with a malevolent glowing orb, mustache-twirling, discussions on how to unbridle the global economy from using the US dollar, and a bric-a-brac sale.

Reportedly Putin will unveil several plans to bring down America such as a giant stick of dynamite and a robot president, however, photos have recently emerged of Putin’s whiteboard with only the word, “AI?” circled multiple times.

BRICS dismissed accusations that the gathering was entirely anti-west in a statement that said that it was America and its allies who were the real Legion of Doom. “What about America’s support for Israel, huh?” said BRICS spokesperson Omal Whelper. “Ever heard that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw bricks? Well, now we’re throwing BRICS at glass houses, how about that, huh?”

The White House declined to comment on the gathering but did express through a number of hand gestures that they were glad to have all the countries under one banner because it made things a lot easier to understand.

Ex-First Lady, Melania Trump’s new memoir hit shelves on Tuesday and, in addition to clashing with her husband’s anti-abortion stance, Melania also hinted at her support for Kamala Harris.

In the book, ‘Melania’ by Melania, Melania’s ghostwriter explains, “There is only one choice for the president and it is really not who you think I think it is going to be…(winky face emoji)”

Who precisely that person is remains unclear but political experts are quick to point out that there is only one other candidate in the 2024 United States of America presidential election for the president ever since Robert Francis Kennedy Junior bowed out of the race.

“There’s only a couple of people the book could be talking about,” said former political scholar Derbert Monfresse, “I’ve been wracking my own brains trying to think of who it could be and all I can say is it’s probably not the one who you’d expect it to be (winky face).”

Republicans now fear that should the race come down to one singular vote (as was the case with Bush v. Gore in 2000), Melania might be held responsible and the Trumps’ all-important marriage would be in tatters.

Aside from this revelation, the book features numerous tidbits such as Melania revealing that she is pen pals with the King of England, the Pope, and former US President, Donald Trump.

Other headline-grabbing points (but that were real so we couldn’t make our actual headline) include her denial of the 2020 election results, that she was in the situation room during the Al-Baghdadi raid, and that she still occasionally goes for brunch with Stormy Daniels (ok, fine, that last one’s made up too).

Melania’s stance on abortion is surprisingly part of a long tradition of first ladies contradicting their husbands’ opinions. Laura Bush supported abortion rights against her husband and famously Martha Washington said, “Abortion, I don’t know what that is but if George likes it then I don’t.”

‘Melania’ is out now in hardback, softback, and all kinds of backs from all good bookselling stores.

Stemming accusations that she avoids interviews, Vice President Kamala Harris dragged herself through a 60 Minutes interview that felt more like 127 Hours (remember? the movie with Jake Franco? And he’s stuck inside of a rock and ends up befriending the rock or something? I don’t know I never watched it but it feels like no one talks about it anymore. Maybe it didn’t do well because 127 hours is way too long for a movie… Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah…) the movie.

For the sake of impartiality, the episode began with a 60-second segment explaining that the republican nominee refused the interview until he received an apology for the previous one (note, this is not standard interview protocol). In 2020 Trump cut his 60 Minutes interview short, now, 60 Minutes wants their time back. “Everyone does 60 Minutes, it’s the law,” CBS explained, “Like Andy Warhol said, ‘In the future, everyone will have to be on 60 Minutes’.”

“You still owe us 39 minutes and 14 seconds, Mr. Trump. We’re getting that time back one way or another. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick.”

Terrified she might owe 60 Minutes valuable time and intent on avoiding a ‘time debt’ like Trump, Kamala Harris sought to extend the interview and use up all allotted 60 minutes without saying much by avoiding questions and leaving long pauses between syllables.

Bill Whitaker grilled Harris on the Middle East, the economy, and what he was planning to have for lunch, successfully generating usable clips that both sides could take out of context.

However, as if to punish Harris for her stalling tactic, once the 60 minutes had expired, Whitaker did not cease the interview. Harris begged to leave but Whitaker would not relent and continued to question the presidential nominee. As the recording came close to the 127-minute mark Harris appeared to threaten Whitaker.

“I have a Glock,” she said. “Have you ever fired it?” asked Whitaker. “Yes. Of course, I have,” replied Kamala, cold desperation in her eyes. And just like that, the interview was over.

Harris had survived more than 60 minutes of 60 Minutes and would be glad to never again be in debt to the Columbia Broadcasting System. But when it came to air, the Harris campaign was devastated to discover only roughly ten minutes of the interview made it to broadcast and CBS would bank that time to claim at any point of their choosing.

“You still owe us,” CBS continued in a creepy sing-song voice, “Everyone pays the time debt. Everyone.”

A new court filing against presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, claims that he attempted to have the results of the 1892 presidential election overturned.

“Grover Cleveland was a coward,” said Trump in a Tweet presented as evidence in filing. “WORST PRESIDENT EVER. Should never have been elected the second time!! STOP THE STEAL!!!”

The Supreme Court recently ruled that presidents should be immune from prosecution when carrying out their official duty, however, prosecutors now claim that Trump’s continued complaints that Benjamin Harrison was “robbed” constitute a private action.

According to former staffers, Trump insisted any portraits of Cleveland be removed from the White House. Upon finding a book mentioning the 19th-century president, Trump ripped out the page saying, “Hash-tag, not my president. Not my president! Grover was a dawg. He rigged the vote. Everybody knows it.”

The reason for Trump’s objection to Grover Cleveland remains unclear but legal scholars maintain it might stem from Trump’s longstanding policy of maintaining the 1890 McKinley Tariff, whereas Cleveland campaigned to lower it.

Trump accused Cleveland of using rigged voting machines, widespread voter fraud and a consistent de-platforming of the Prohibition Party. Trump has asked for a recount on multiple occasions despite having it explained to him that this was over a hundred years ago, the votes don’t exist anymore.

Democrats claim Trump’s complaints are tantamount to treason and that the January 6th riots were partially motivated to have both the 2020 and 1892 elections overturned.

“If I had a time machine, I’d go back to 1892 and count the votes myself. But I can’t. But I am the president. So I’m gonna get his name out of the history books and everyone says the name ‘Benjamin Harrison’ instead. I’d settle for James B. Weaver, whatever, just not Cleveland.”

Why Trump does not seem to object to Cleveland’s original election in 1884, he has yet to explain.

The trial date has not been set and will likely not take place before the election in November. Until then, the legacy of Grover Cleveland and indeed, Adlai Stevenson I, hangs in the balance.

Errr. Israel has declared war on Sweden in a move strategists are calling, “Really very stupid.”

Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu announced the invasion this morning following a preemptive air strike using extra-long rockets so they could reach further. Tanks are reportedly on their way but are currently driving through Lebanon so it’ll take a while for them to get there.

Swedish forces were fast to respond, destroying their pagers and assembling flatpack munitions in a matter of minutes. However, missing hex keys are holding back a full retaliation as generals search junk drawers for the right size.

The international community responded with bewilderment to the development. “What?” said US diplomat Justin ‘Cheeky’ Chavez, “Who are we supposed to send arms to now? Both sides? I mean, I guess we could do that. We’d need to check if Amazon ships to Sweden.”

Iran, now dazed by Israel’s unprecedented tactic, expressed similar confusion. “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but what if my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s enemy? Is my friend now my enemy? Am I my own enemy?” Iran then promptly declared war on itself.

‘Why?’, ‘For what purpose?’ and, ‘To what end?’ are also good questions, to which analysts have speculated that maybe Israel had a world map folded over and thought Sweden was much closer. Other theories suggest Israel is applying the ancient military tactic of ‘bamboozle’, a risky strategy involving making the least expected move, especially if it’s a very bad one.

Some have suggested more novel explanations such as amateur historian and massive nerd, Derbert Monfreese, who explained the move by saying that, “The Bible doesn’t clarify the exact coordinates of the promised land so who’s to say it isn’t in Scandinavia?” Everyone, Derbert, that’s who’s to say. That makes no sense, Derbert, shut up.

The United Nations has condemned the Swedo-Israeli conflict in a new statement, “Come on, guys, this is just all too complicated now. Alright, new rule, everyone gets to fight one war at a time and that’s it, OK? No exceptions.”

In response to the new, ‘only one war’ rule, Israel then floated the idea of having just one mega-war, a ‘world’ war, if you will, that everyone could join and no one would miss out on. Germany vetoed the motion.

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