March, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

In a show of solidarity with Elon Musk against his slumping Tesla stock, Donald j. Trump (The President) has said he will “buy a brand new Tesla” but then went one step further and promised to replace the entire fleet of presidential cars with Cybertrucks.

The announcement follows a 15% dip in shares for the electric car firm which Trump blamed on “radical left lunatics” but is actually due to Tesla missing production targets and the fact that Cybertrucks just look so goddamn ugly.

Despite this, Turmp has vowed to travel only by Cybertruck from henceforth. Despite being much smaller, less sturdy and more prone to exploding than the presidential limousines, we will now only see Cybertrucks with those little American flags from henceforth.

The super strong vehicle dubbed, ‘The Beast’ will be retired and donated to the pope.

Trump Cybertruck — An artist’s concept of what the presidential Cybertruck might look like (credit: Reddit)

Here’s Trump’s full Truth Social post:

“To Republicans, Conservatives, and all great Americans, Elon Musk is “putting it on the line” in order to help our Nation, and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB! But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers, and Elon’s “baby,” in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. They tried to do it to me at the 2024 Presidential Ballot Box, but how did that work out? In any event, I’m going to buy a brand new Tesla tomorrow morning as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, a truly great American. Why should he be punished for putting his tremendous skills to work in order to help MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN???”

To unpack that, where Trump uses quotes here just note that he isn’t using an actual news source rather he’s making it clear that he doesn’t mean these things literally. Elon is not literally, “putting it all on the line” because there is no literal line and even if there were, everything couldn’t fit on it. Likewise, Elon already has a literal “baby” whereas Tesla is a figurative baby. …Just wanted to clear that up.

And in case you were wondering if this move is a conflict of interest, well, let me tell you, that… shut up.

In a shocking turn of events that has shocked Americans across the Americas, it turns out that there has been another America above America this whole time. And they also have major political news? OK, slow down there, Jimmy, one thing at a time.

Apparently, this ‘Canada’ somehow has news in addition to all the American news we’re already very busy with. This less interesting news revolves around the unveiling of Canadia’s newly unveiled Liberal Party leader who will face off against the currently more popular Conservative party in the upcoming election for the position of Prime Minister.

To translate that into English: mini-America has announced the new head of their Democrats who’s gonna fight against their Republicans for who gets to be President.

As the world enters a new era of economic war because of AMERICA, Canadia has selected Mark Carney, a finance guy, to lead the way. He’s running on an anti-Trump platform as Canadians are becoming increasingly irritated by the American President’s anti-Canadian rhetoric which is just anti-American if you ask me.

Trump has blamed his northern neighbors for immigration, fentanyl smuggling and has threatened to make Canada the 51st state of America, which is embarrassing for Trump because I guess he doesn’t realize that the 51st state is actually Kentunky.

Because of this, Carney’s vowed to keep Canada’s retaliatory tariffs against America and honestly, who does he think he is? Does he know he’s not the main character here?

The hope is that he’ll lose the election and then America and Trump can go back to hogging the front page of the news AS IS OUR RIGHT. Canada can go back to eating bark or whatever it is they do there.

That’s enough about Canada, you know what, they’ve stolen the spotlight for LONG ENOUGH. Let’s go back to, what, let’s see, oh, here’s some news: Trump says he isn’t responsible for the market crash or any potential upcoming government shutdown. Now THAT’S news. You’ve got to have Trump in your news. It’s the rules. IT’S THE RULES. If it’s not about Trump, is it news? I don’t think so.
You know what? Maybe, this whole ‘Canada’ news, if you think about it, it is about Trump after all. Carney won a landslide in reaction to who? Trump. Who’s he talking about more than his granddaughter Margaret? Trump. Ok, great this really IS news then! Better than that, it’s actually American news, after all! Ha HA! Take that Canadia! 51st state here we come!

For more Canada news, don’t read this: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

In a STUNNING turn of events that has left me personally stunned, DONALD TRUMP has ceased the sharing of intelligence with Ukraine, leading to Ukraine to comment, “Meh.”

“Hey, we’re not saying you’re not smart, Donald,” continued the eager-to-appease Zelenskyy (current dictator of Ukraine). “Because you are smart, sure you’re smart, look at the way you dodged your taxes. But what I am saying is that you know, maybe we didn’t really need your ‘intelligence’ in the first place.”

Ukraine went further and said that Trump’s intelligence was in fact a hindrance to the war effort and was actively putting lives at risk.

“Maybe this intelligence isn’t so military after all. Maybe we should be calling it military stupid instead.”

US envoys were quick to point out that in this case ‘intelligence’ refers to the sharing of information rather than IQ points or whatever. To this Zelenskyy replied, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I seeeeeee. Haha, well, who’s the intelligent one now, huh?”

The government’s pause of intelligence coincides with a ceasing of military aid to Ukraine and follows a marked ramping of tensions between the two countries unramped only by Trump’s reading of an encouraging letter to the ailing presidente.

The world is still reeling from the near-fatal dose of cringe unleashed from Zelensky and Trump’s first sit-down peace discussion (debate?). During the talk (ambush?) J ‘to the D’ Vance finally joined the chat to turn up the heat on this cold war by dressing down the Ukrainian Prime Minister for dressing down and not saying ‘thank you’ because if anyone needs to be put in their place right now, its Ukraine.

Things went from worse to bad from there as the reality TV host continued to berate the TV comedian, leading to a distinct lack of reality or comedy from either side.

As egos continue to clash and people continue to die only time will tell what time will tell us about how many people will die and whether those egos will unclash.

Stay tuned for more new news and some old news too. xxx

In a bizarre story that is 100% real, a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto shaped like the Pokémon Charizard has just sold for nearly $90,000, prompting millions of people across America to search down the crevice between their couch cushions.

“It’s the new gold rush, for sure,” said part-time couch potato, Dogan Melisimby. “I found a Cheeto that looked just like Squirtle and thought, that’s for sure going to net me at least a mill but then I realised it was just chewing gum.”

The 3-inch-long snack, dubbed “Cheetozard” had been affixed to a custom Pokémon card and sealed in a plastic box for our own safety. Last year, the item went viral on social media and, due to its popularity, has now sold at auction for more money than any previous Charizard-shaped Cheeto.

How can that be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, the snack company behind Cheetos has now announced a range of Cheetos specifically cooked into Pokémon shapes thus immediately undercutting the entire market and making Cheetozard completely worthless.

New Pokémon shapes included in the branded Cheeto tie-in include: Ledian. Throh. Luvdisc. Avalugg. Wormadam. Delcatty. Uown. Glorporp. Duskclops. Regigigas. Garbodor. Sawk. Likwick. Okko. Trumbeak. Pogis. Spewpa. And everyone’s favourite… Dawn Wings Necrozma.

Each Cheéto-mon is worth $14,000.

Previous famous ‘Cheeto-likes’ (as they’re known on the street) include one that looked like Harambe the gorilla, which sold for $99,900, and one that looked exactly like my aunt. That last one didn’t sell, I gave it to her when I found it and she ate it immediately.

Wall Street Memes has reached out to Pepsi-Co (owners of Cheeto owners, Frito-Lay) for comment but as you well know we are forbidden from ever contacting them again after the previous incident.

Ohh, it’s Flamin’ like the dragon! I just got that. That’s cool. Haha, no wait, not ‘cool’ that’s ‘hot’ lol. Hot lol. Hahaha, I make myself laugh…

Winky face. Christmas tree. Eggplant. Now, that might seem like gibberish to the lay person, but to any savvy wallstreeter, this is a multi-million dollar deal and potentially the future of trading.

“We realized that emoji are a much more efficient way to communicate than traditional language,” said ‘Balls To The Wall’ trader, Lee Martin. “For example, instead of saying ‘buy stocks,’ we can just send a rocket emoji. And instead of saying ‘sell stocks,’ we can just send a bear emoji. Or let’s say I want to pump futures stocks in Chinese lithium mines I might say, 🙀🧥🦖💇‍♀️🏸… if that makes sense.”

Whilst this seems groundbreaking, for many, the change is nothing new. Elon Musk, for one, has long since switched to using emojis for all his communications. Musk recently tweeted a cryptic peanut emoji and sends poop emojis as default to all press enquiries.

The switch to emoji has not been without its challenges. Some traders have complained that it can be difficult to express complex ideas using only emoji, but they’re just 🧛.

“Sometimes I find myself having to use multiple emoji to convey a single idea,” said Dean Martin (no relation) another day trader. “For example, if I want to say ‘buy stocks in a tech company that is expected to grow rapidly,’ I have to send a rocket emoji, a computer emoji, a green arrow emoji, a laughing face emoji (to show I was happy about it) and then a love heart emoji to say that I love you and by that point you might as well just use words.”

Despite the challenges, the use of emoji in financial communication is on the rise. Some experts believe that emoji could eventually replace traditional language in the financial world and maybe even the world world.

“I think we’re seeing the beginning of a new era in financial communication 👯,” said one analyst. “Emoji are a powerful tool that can be used to convey complex ideas in a simple and efficient way 🐩.”

However, other experts are more skeptical. They argue that emoji can be too easily misinterpreted, which could lead to costly mistakes.

“I’m concerned that the use of emoji in financial communication could lead to confusion and misunderstandings,” said two economists. “I think it’s important to use caution when using emoji to communicate complex financial ideas 🍆.”

Only time will tell whether emoji will become the lingua franca of financial communication but I for one don’t think it will ever be able to say, write an entire article, for example…

[To read this entire article in emoji, please see below:]

🧱 💵 🅰 🌨 🆖 🇦 Ⓜ 🅰

😉 🌲 🍆. 🅰 . 🌨 , 🅰 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🅱 🇦 🌡 🅰 👱🏻‍♀️ , 🅱 🇦 💵 🅰 🧱 💵 🀄 Ⓜ 📧 🔛 🅰 🅰 🅰 🅰 🌡 🕐 🌾 🅰 .

” 👥⬅️ 🅰 🅰 Ⓜ 🅰 🀄 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🕐 🅰 🇦 🅰 👤📖 🅰 , ” 💬 ‘🏐 🇦 🌡 🧱’ 🅰 , 😪 🅰 . ” 🍴 🅰 , 🅰 🌾 💬 ‘ 🛒 ⭕ , ‘ 👥⬅️ 🥫 📦️➡️ 🀄 🚀 Ⓜ . ➕ 🅰 🌾 💬 ‘ ⭕ , ‘ 👥⬅️ 🥫 📦️➡️ 🀄 🐻 Ⓜ . 💬 🅿 🙏 🇦 ⛽️ 🕐 ⭕ 🅿 🇨🇳 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🅿 Ⓜ 💬 , ♀ 🍴 🅰 🛠️ 👃. ”

🧑‍🍳 , 🍴 🅰 🌡 🅰 🇮🇸 🆖 🆕 . 🍈 Ⓜ 🍴 1️⃣ 🅰 🆖 🦓 🇦 Ⓜ 🍴 🅰 👤👨⬅️ 🅰 . Ⓜ 🕐 🀄 😢 🥜 Ⓜ ➕ 📦️➡️ 🀄 💩 Ⓜ 🅰 🅰 🇦 🅰 🗜 🔍.

🇨🇭 🇦 Ⓜ 🅰 ❌ 🅱 ⭕ 🚮 🅰 . Ⓜ 🅰 🙏 👀 🅰 🇮🇹 🥫 🅱 🇦 🗯️ Ⓜ 💡 🆖 🔛 Ⓜ , 🅱 🧛 .

” Ⓜ 🅿 🔎 Ⓜ 🅰 🇦 🎠 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🇦 🔛 🀄 🆖 💡 , ” 💬 🅰 🅰 ( 🇳🇴 🅰 ) 🙏 👀 . ” 🍴 🅰 , 🍴 🅿 🙏 🇦 💬 ‘ 🛒 ⭕ 🅿 🀄 🅰 🅰 🇮🇸 ❌ 🇦 🌲⬆️ 🅰 , ‘ 🅿 🅰 🇦 📦️➡️ 🀄 🚀 Ⓜ , 🀄 💻️ Ⓜ , 🀄 🟢 ← Ⓜ , 🀄 😆 😀 Ⓜ ( 🇦 🚿 🅿 🅰 😀 🅰 🇮🇹 ) ➕ 🀄 ❤️ ❤️ Ⓜ 🇦 💬 🅰 🅿 ❤️ ➡️👤 ➕ 🅱 🅰 👈️ ➡️👤 Ⓜ 🅰 🎠 ⚔ . ”

🌡 🅰 , 🌡 🎠 🌾 Ⓜ 🅿 🅰 🅰 🇮🇸 🀄 🌡 🌄 . Ⓜ ❌ 💜 🅰 Ⓜ ⭕ 🅰 🅰 🅰 🅰 🅿 🌡 🅰 🌐 ➕ 🅰 ✌ 🌡 🌐 🌐 .

” 🅿 💭 🌻 ‘ 🆓 👀 🌡 🆕 🌾 🀄 🆕 🅰 🅿 🅰 🅰 👯 , ” 💬 1️⃣ 🅰 . ” Ⓜ 🅰 🀄 ⭕ 🔪 🅰 🥫 🅱 😒 🇦 🔛 Ⓜ 💡 🅿 🀄 👿 ➕ 🕐 🅰 🐩 . ” ✌ , ⭕ ❌ 🅰 Ⓜ 🤨 . 🅰 🅰 Ⓜ 🥫 🅱 🛠 🅰 Ⓜ , ⭕ 🅰 🇦 ⭕ 🅰 .

” 🅿 ‘ 🀄 🔛 🅰 🌡 🎠 🌾 Ⓜ 🅿 🅰 🅰 ⭕ 🅰 🇦 🔛 ➕ 🅰 , ” 💬 2️⃣ 🔛 . ” 🅿 💭 🇮🇹 ‘ 🆘 🅰 🇦 🎠 🅰 🆖 Ⓜ 🇦 🅰 Ⓜ 🅰 💡 🍆 . ” 🔛 ⏱️ 🗣️ Ⓜ 🅱 🌡 🅰 🅰 🌾 🅰 🅰 .

Ok, so in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have put all my life savings into futures stocks against Canadian bacon. Trump’s 25% tariff has hit Canada, Mexico, China and if I’m being honest, my whole ass.

Everyone’s taking a hit, I know, the stock market’s down. Energy and grocery prices are set to skyrocket, but that’s the price of financial freedom I suppose. From my perspective, I’m going to have a LOT more financial freedom because I simply won’t be a part of the financial system. I think I might go and live in the woods or something.

Look, I’m not financially savvy, I’ll admit. I don’t have a financial advisor (why would I waste money on that?) but the advice I’ve always lived by is “go big and go broke” or something. So what I did was I took out a third mortgage on my house and I used that as collateral for these futures. Then I’ve heard gold is the gold standard so I took all the money that I had and turned that into gold then I pawned that gold then with that money I placed a bet on whether I’d get back to the pawnshop in time to get my gold back.

It was a perfect plan and then Donald Trump came along and RUINED it.

So now I’m writing this from an abandoned internet cafe in Tuscon hoping the feds don’t follow this IP address. Heck, even if they do I’ll be long dead by then.

Apparently, Canada and China and everyone else is going to retaliate with tariffs of their own and idk, I’m kind of into that? Like, can I get in on that? Like, idk why I can’t just impose tariffs myself. Like, let’s say I tariff the pawnbroker who has my gold then he has to give me 25% right? I mean, if Trump can just charge people more money, I can just do that too right? “Be the president of your own destiny” that’s the life advice I live by.

Trump said there’s “no room left” for negotiations on these things, but eeeeehhhhh, come on, like, eehhhh, come on? Like, help a guy out here Don, like I’m drowning here, like literally drowning here and I’ve got alimony to pay, like Don, come aaaannn help an old buddy out, huh?

Every single member of the republican party was removed from the House Chamber this Tuesday after disrupting President Trump’s Address to Congress by whooping and chanting “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” repeatedly.

House Speaker Mike Johnson banged his gavel and instructed the Republicans to “Uphold and maintain decorum in the House and to cease and further disruptions” multiple times. However, the representatives were simply too excited by Trump’s words and had to be forcibly removed from the chamber by the sergeant at arms.

The chanting and cheers continued as the republican representatives resisted their ejection in what many are now calling “reverse January 6th”.

“I don’t know why we were kicked out, sure they were disruptions, but they were positive disruptions,” explained Senator Ted Cruz outside the Capitol. “Yes, I was chanting at the top of my lungs but how could you not? It’s not everyday you get to meet your second favorite president.”

When Trump was finally able to continue highlighting his accomplishments, Rep. Johnson noted that Democrats were also disruptive by engaging in subtle and not so subtle protests against the president. Some held up signs saying, “MUSK STEALS”, “SAVE MEDICAID” and “I LIKE ROCKS” (but that last one might have been about something else) whilst others wore pink or the colors of the Ukrainian flag which really clash.

The House Speaker then called for all these members to ejected from the chamber as well and finally Rep. Johnson ejected himself for banging his gavel too loudly. This left the building entirely empty but for Trump.

Undeterred, the president continued his speech to an empty room. It is unclear what was said as no one was their to witness it. Republicans are now stumped as to what to do policy-wise as the popular riddle asks, “If a Trump makes a speech in an empty congress hall and no one is there to hear it, do his tariffs still apply?”

Rep. Al Green’s whereabouts remain unknown although he is now presumed dead.

Stick with Wall Street Meams Dot Com for more political discourse that’s up to the minute (but obviously not this exact minute, or the next one, just, I meant whatever minute I’m writing about, leave me alone.).

FOR MORE TRUMP NEWS READ: Willy Wonka To Sue Donald Trump For Stealing ‘Golden Ticket’ Idea

Breaking news: Will Smith has killed a man at this year’s Oscars. The actor who was barred from ever hitting anyone again because it’s illegal was not allowed at this year’s Oscars. He did show up to the ceremony, however, but this year… he’d been working out.

Smith took his hand and, for some reason, targeted Bowen Yang and slapped him so hard that he died. Thankfully, Smith himself was only minorly concussed and received an Oscar for his performance. Critics are lead to believe that although the incident occured only three years ago it is still topical and worthy of writing a joke article about.

Now Will Smith’s murder of Bowen Yang will likely be the thing he is remembered for and not Wild Wild West.

Conan O’Brien commenting on the scene of the crime commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly performed a backflip.

The only individual elated by this turn of events was Jada Plinket Smith, who isn’t called that anymore because they divorced or something. Not-Smith commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly did a backflip.

For those of you who don’t keep up with movies at all, Will Smith is the first black actor to ever kill someone live on stage at the Oscars and hopefully won’t be the last. #oscarssowhite

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ceremony, a little someone I like to call Gremlin Boy is cooking up a storm. He’s wily, he’s timely, but I’ll tell you what he’s not: gay. That’s right, it’s Timpontee CHamletn!! Put your hands together and don’t take them apart until I tell you to!

Anora.

Oh boy, we’re in for a real evening tonight [insert Oscars transcript here later] [but then actually change it to make the first joke work, like, add the Will Smith thing back in here]

[If you end up watching it and find something more topical, maybe switch out this article.]

[Also not sure about the Gremlin Boy thing? I don’t really get it.]

[Sidenote: are you OK right now? I don’t know, a lot of your work has really declined in quality recently. I don’t know if you’re using AI or just high or something, but this one in particular seems like a low point, and if you need help with your workload or anything, you can always reach out. Just let me know – Tim.]

Things went from worse to bad from there as the reality TV host continued to berate the TV comedian, leading to a distinct lack of reality or comedy from either side.

Since this public display of affection, no one really knows what to do. Zelenskyy has done his best to bridge build, insisting the minerals deal is still on the table and that he is looking forward to future talks. He retreated to Europe for a conference in London in which European leaders rallied behind him and reaffirmed their commitment to finding peace. Like this paragraph, however, the comedian failed to find any kind of a joke to make.

The view in Washington is very different and US officials see Zelenskiy himself as the roadblock to peace. Only if he steps down can good faith talks begin again.

The only one who seems happy about all of this is Russia. The little sit-down gives Trump ammunition to frame Zelenski as uncooperative and sideline his aims in favor of Russia’s goals. This might lead to a quicker peace, but at what cost and under whose terms?

Russia invaded Ukraine because Russia wanted to own Ukraine. Ukraine fought back because they didn’t want Russia to have it. The negotiations have effectively already begun and have been at a stalemate for years. Since this is a zero-sum game, either one of both sides will come out of these negotiations unsatisfied. Concede Russia the little bit they’ve annexed and they still won’t have Ukraine. What’s to stop them from declaring peace, waiting a couple of years and doing the same thing all over again, just as they did with Crimea?

Ironically, peace cannot be the sole priority of the discussion, as peace is theoretically very easy: just give Ukraine to Russia. Worryingly, it seems Trump wants ‘peace’ at any cost and has sided with the aggressor because muscling down the little guy is the quickest path.

Oh, shit, I forgot to make any jokes again, errr, ok… What do you do if you want a closer look at Europe from Russia? You crane.

Thank you, thank you.

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Local(ish) man Dorish Jallos III was shocked and embarrassed and disgusted to learn that he had been pronouncing the word “crypto” incorrectly his entire life.

“I’ve always said it how it’s spelt, ‘cry-pto’. Why would I possibly think it was any other way?” Jallos said. “But then I went to this Greek restaurant with my friends, and one of my friends, who isn’t Greek, but could be, said it like ‘crypt-o’, and I said he was wrong because he’s Greek, it’s ‘cry-pto’ and he fucking laughed in my fucking face then spat on me.”

Jallos’ friends explained to him that the correct pronunciation is actually crypto not crypto. Jallos was stunned.

“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “I’ve been saying it wrong for like, 30 years (I got in on the ground floor). I guess I’ve only ever seen it written down or heard it spoken in a thick, thick Uzbekistani accent. I’m definitely not going to tell them how I pronounce ‘gif’.”

Jallos said he is now determined to learn how to pronounce crypto correctly. He has been practicing saying it over and over again, and whilst he is yet to master the subtleties of the inflection points, he is confident that he will eventually get it right.

“I’m never going to make that mistake again,” he said. “I’m going to be the cri… shit. The crap-o, shit… I’m going to be the crEepto pronunciation master.”

When asked why he had never questioned his pronunciation of “crypto” before, Jallos simply shrugged and said, “I’ve never really talked to anyone about it before.”

“Wait, how do you say DOGE? Like doggy, right?”

Jallos’ story is a cautionary tale for anyone who has never even questioned how to pronounce the word ‘crypto’. Turns out it’s really not how you would expect it to sound. Don’t be like Dorish Jallos III. Educate yourself today.

This article is sponsored by Skillshare.

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