2025 | Wall Street Memes

THIS JUST IN: A ‘Wite Hose’ press release has confirmed the news that Eoln Musk has “fried all government smell chekers” [sic].

The announcement does not clarify who these smell chekers were or what their role in government entailed but it is believed that they were tasked with smelling Eoln Musk (no relation) once a day to make sure he didn’t live up to his name.

Reportedly, these chekers have now been “fried”. Precisely what this means is unclear. The frying is presumed to be figurative, like, they just got shouted at or something. Some however speculate that these government officials were literally dropped into a vat of boiling government oil until they gained a delicious crispy exterior.

It remains unclear if this latest news is in any way related to Elon Musk’s mass firing of government employees. In the past week, the Trump administration has fired over 1000 USAID workers and placed 4000 more on leave, effectively ending the AIDs crisis for good.

Oh, hold on a second, I’m getting word from our producers… Yes, THIS JUST IN: the smell cheker frying is INDEED related to the government worker firing. You see, ahh, ok, hahaha, ahhh I see what’s happened here, this is all a big mix up, let me explain:

Musk did indeed fire the government employee tasked with frying in the White House canteen. This meant the smell chekers had to man this station instead. However when Eoln Musk (no relation) realized that he needed to make more government cuts he pushed the smell chekers into the frying vats. Right, it all makes sense now.

Now, this frying might appear to be cold-blooded murder, BUT, as Musk is himself a government employee he is legally not qualified to murder anyone so it doesn’t count.

Please note that all government spell checkers are still under employment and I don’t know what gave you the idea that they weren’t.

WSM reached out to Dnoald Turmp but he has yet to comment on this developing story.

In a groundbreaking scientific breakthrough, a team of researchers has discovered a way to extract energy from dad jokes. The team, led by Dr. Richard ‘Dick’ Pun (no relation), professor of humor studies at the University of Minnesota, made the discovery while studying the thermodynamics of laughter.

“We noticed that when people laugh at dad jokes, they tend to release a small amount of energy, like, really small, normally just a tiny exhale through the nose, but still,” said Dick Pun. “At first, we thought it was just a coincidence, but after further research, we realized that there was a definite correlation between dad jokes and energy production. Like how cabbage makes you fart.”

The researchers believe that dad jokes work by tapping into a previously unknown form of energy called “pun energy” or ‘punergy’ if you will. Pun energy is a type of potential energy that is stored in the brain and released when a person tells or hears a dad joke.

“Pun energy is a very powerful force, some say too natural,” said Dr. Dick. “Here’s a pun fact for you: punergy is estimated to be several orders of magnitude stronger than nuclear energy pound for pun-ound.”

The discovery of pun energy has the potential to revolutionize the world’s energy supply. If scientists can figure out how to harness pun energy, it could provide a clean, renewable source of power for generations to come.

“Imagine a world where our homes and businesses are powered by dad jokes,” said Dick. “It would be a much funnier and more sustainable world. And it would give dads something to do.”

The researchers are currently working on developing a device that can convert pun energy into electricity. They hope to have a prototype ready for testing within the next year.

“We’re excited about the potential of pun energy,” said Dr. Pun. “It has the pun-tential to change the world. I’m trying to think of a pun to go here, but I apologize I am not a father.”

In a shocking discovery that has shocked scientists and sent shockwaves through the scientific community, a research team has discovered that the earth’s core is not spherical as previously thought but is in fact, now get this, you won’t believe this, are you sitting down? Ok, the earth’s core is actually… a banana (in shape).

So this comes from the same self-proclaimed ‘scientists’ who recently used earthquake waves to work out that the earth’s core had recently started spinning in the opposite direction (phff, yeah, sure). And as if that wasn’t crazy enough the latest info says that the core can actually change shape (oh, yeah, pull the other one) and though once a sphere, the core may now be closer to banana-shaped (mmhmm, ok, I’ll believe it when I see the peer-reviewed paper).

A handy diagram of what is clearly a giant underground banana.

“Great, now I have to throw out all these schoolroom geology posters,” exclaimed Preston Menaris, local geology professor. “Banana is stupid and silly, why couldn’t it have been an egg? Then at least I could have just drawn the new shape over the top of the old one. A banana? That’s nothing like an egg!”

The finding has naturally fuelled conspiracy theories. Mr. Orten Mavish, High Priest of the Cult of the Banana, is one of the few excited by the news. “The Cosmic Ape is real and this proves it!” said Mavish who believes that the universe was created by an almighty, Donkey-Kong-like figure. “He’s hungry for banana! Soon we will be chimp food! Yes, soon! SOON!”

Core Values

The research also found that this is far from the core’s first shapeshift. The molten center of our planet has previously taken the shape of a diverse range objects such as a cube, an oblate spheroid, a jar of Nutella, a two-dimensional hexagon and a perfect 3-dimensional representation of Mark Wahlberg’s bald head as featured in Flight Risk (2025).

Scientists assure me that the impact of this fluctuation will be minimal and only countries like the United States, China and much of Europe will face unprecedented volcanic activity that will kill millions.

For more erotic science and tech stories hit the ‘follow’ button below.

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelming number of border changes implemented by President Donald Trump.

The changes began with the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of the United States of America. Next came the acquisition of Greenland, then Canada, and then Palestine. Just this week, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth said that Ukraine’s pre-2014 borders would be unrealistic, effectively ceding Crimea to Russia. Then, Trump announced his plan to begin Ukraine peace talks after a call with Putin. And lastly, California has unmoored itself from the continent and is now adrift in the pacific.

With all these dramatic changes, Google Maps has had no choice but to completely crash. Now users attempting to use the app to navigate will be rerouted through the ocean which, to be fair, is about as usable as it was before.

In an attempt to fix the bug, Google has patched the displayed map to only feature two global countries, Russia and America. Reportedly this simplifies the app’s data and means that everything’s running smoothly again. The only downside is that it has started a new cold war.

“Yeah, this isn’t our fault,” claimed Gordon Mesotenso, Google’s lead cartographer. “I was born with a severe condition in which I’m told I am unable to communicate successfully with humans however I am able to create maps with the accuracy of a satellite. No, I do not play geoguesser.”

“Google Maps is and always has been 100% accurate regardless of territorial disputes,” continued Mesotenso. “China owns the independent sovereign nation of Taiwan. The free Israeli state of Palestine is entirely autonomous of any other country. And Kasmir simply exists on another plain of existence.”

“The problem is when people come in and tell me what’s where and what’s called what. I can keep up but the app can’t. When we have to keep updating it every other day our users’ phones crash and then what? People die. That’s what.”

It remains to be seen what remains to be seen or if anything can be seen at all. Stay tuned.

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest man made a compelling counteroffer: “I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t Tweet, and I won’t show up at your door in the middle of the night anymore.”

Altman now has to take this offer to the board and consider their options but given the generous bid, they might take some time to deliberate.

On the one hand, they would lose control of the company behind ChatGPT and give that technology to the increasingly politically motivated Elon Musk (AKA Harry Bōlz, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA Kekius Maximus). But on the other hand, they won’t have to hear his very funny jokes anymore (remember the sink bit?). But on the other hand, they wouldn’t receive any money for the most valuable startup in the world. But on the other hand, can you put a price on inner peace?

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine for a moment a Musk-less world. Breathe out.

Hmm. Perhaps that is worth $97.4bn?

Donald Trump is said to be interested in the same offer after Elon rocked up at the White House yesterday for an impromptu press conference. The Trump team has said the trespasser will be prosecuted within the full extent of the law.

Altman laughed the original offer (much lower than $300bn estimated value) out the door and Tweeted in response, “no thank you but we will buy twitter for $9.74 billion if you want.” Well, jokes on Altman because it’s not called Twitter! HAHAHA! You idiot! You IDIOT!

This episode in an ongoing spat between the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. More recently Musk and Altman clashed on the proposed Stargate project in which both men built giant mechanized robots to fight each other.

Honestly, they should just f*** and get it over with.

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

President-Of-The-Hour Donald Jeffery Trump has announced a 25% import tariff on any steel and aluminum entering the United States forcing beverage companies to reduce their soda can size by at least 25%.

A spokesperson from CoCo Kola (no relation) commented that, “We wholeheartedly agree with the president’s decision to tax aluminium. As so called shrinkflation hits families down and up America we see this as a great opportunity to make a quick profit. Now, everyone’s favortie delicious Kola will come in a ‘fun-sized’ variety at the same price.”

Doctors agree that this is better for everyone. “I myself don’t drink CoCo Kola,” said Dr. U, head of the physical studies department of humans at the University of Guam. “But if I did I would probably be obese. No, this way people won’t drink as much CoCo Kola, which can only be good for everyone. Particularly me. Because I’m spiteful.”

Speaking from Air Force One, Mr. Trump explained the change, “AMERICA HAS BEEN LAST FOR TOO LONG!!” he said, somehow speaking in all-caps. “NOW SODA CANS WILL BE SMALLER SO YOUR HANDS LOOK BIGGER! A WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE WITH HANDS!”

Trump-a-licious

Likely hit hardest by this change are Canada, Brazil and Mexico who make up the majority of America’s aluminium trading numbers. Mexico says if it cannot trade aluminium then it will be forced to trade drugs instead.

Little does Trump know that Air Force One and other planes are also made of metals that will be hit by the tariff. A significantly reduced size for the Presidential Plane will likely cause issues for the President who has stated in the past that he likes planes to be “big”.

“We’re going to make America great again, one tiny soda can at a time,” Trump said at a rally in Ohio. “And let me tell you, these new cans are going to be tremendous. They’re going to be so small, you’ll be able to fit them in your pocket. And they’re going to be so affordable, you’ll be able to buy a six-pack for the same price as a single can before.”

Consumers, however, are not as enthusiastic about the new tariffs. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage, with some even calling for a boycott of soda.

“This is ridiculous,” said one Twitter.com user. “I’m not going to pay the same price for half the soda. I’m going to switch to water, which I hate.”

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

Beloved Sesame Street character Elmo found himself accidentally encased in concrete during the latest expansion of the iconic children’s television show location. The incident, which occurred during a construction project to add a new playground area, left Elmo unable to move and screaming for help.

According to sources close to the production, the mishap occurred when a crew of construction workers accidentally poured wet concrete into the area where Elmo was standing, mistaking him for a decorative rock. Elmo, who was reportedly engrossed in counting numbers, was unaware of the danger until it was too late.

“We were all in shock,” said Big Bird, who witnessed the incident. “One minute Elmo was there, counting his numbers, and the next minute he was dead. Wait, no, not dead, sorry, just buried up to his neck in concrete.”

Since the Sesame Street emergency crews are also puppets they were ineffectual at removing Elmo before the quick-setting concrete hardened. After several days of chiseling away at the concrete to free the relentlessly shrieking Elmo, Elmo was extracted at the small cost of a limb.

“Elmo is a tough cookie,” said Cookie Monster, who helped to comfort Elmo after the incident. “He’s already back to his old self, counting numbers, making us all laugh. Yeah, he’s missing an arm but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

Sesame Street producers have since apologized for the incident and have promised to implement stricter safety protocols on set. The first of which is to ban Elmo from the street until a full investigation can be undertaken. They have also assured fans that Elmo is doing well and that the show will continue to produce new episodes as scheduled.

In a statement, Elmo himself said, “Elmo is okay! Elmo learned a valuable lesson about construction safety! Elmo reminds children that construction sites are not play areas even if that’s what they’re building! Like Elmo always says, ‘If you want to keep your limbs, don’t go for a swim (in concrete)!’”

Despite the positive message, lawyers predict that Elmo will likely sue for damages.

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BREAKING: Eoln Musk Fries Government Smell Chekers

Max Profit• D

BREAKING: Eoln Musk Fries Government Smell Chekers

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