Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest man made a compelling counteroffer: “I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t Tweet, and I won’t show up at your door in the middle of the night anymore.”

Altman now has to take this offer to the board and consider their options but given the generous bid, they might take some time to deliberate.

On the one hand, they would lose control of the company behind ChatGPT and give that technology to the increasingly politically motivated Elon Musk (AKA Harry Bōlz, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA Kekius Maximus). But on the other hand, they won’t have to hear his very funny jokes anymore (remember the sink bit?). But on the other hand, they wouldn’t receive any money for the most valuable startup in the world. But on the other hand, can you put a price on inner peace?

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine for a moment a Musk-less world. Breathe out.

Hmm. Perhaps that is worth $97.4bn?

Donald Trump is said to be interested in the same offer after Elon rocked up at the White House yesterday for an impromptu press conference. The Trump team has said the trespasser will be prosecuted within the full extent of the law.

Altman laughed the original offer (much lower than $300bn estimated value) out the door and Tweeted in response, “no thank you but we will buy twitter for $9.74 billion if you want.” Well, jokes on Altman because it’s not called Twitter! HAHAHA! You idiot! You IDIOT!

This episode in an ongoing spat between the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. More recently Musk and Altman clashed on the proposed Stargate project in which both men built giant mechanized robots to fight each other.

Honestly, they should just f*** and get it over with.

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

The fate of the unfortunately named, United States Agency for International Development (USAID) remains in the balance however quadillionaire Elon Musk has come out in opposition to the department Tweeting, “I don’t think anyone should have AIDS.”

“Call me old fashioned,” the SpaceX CEO continued, “but I think AIDS is bad and I don’t think there should be a whole government department devoted to giving it to people. I think they should give people money instead.”

Confusing the answer to whether Musk even has the power to do this, Trump seemed a bit more teachy-peechy (that’s a phrase right?). “We’re getting them out and then we’ll make a decision.”

Whereas Musk said, “We’re shutting it down.”

But Trump said, “We’ll see.”

But then Musk said, “No, it’s done.”

“Maybe.”

“…not.”

“OK, back in your box ELan.”

“No, I don’t want want to go back in the box.”

“Back in your box.”

“Naaaahhhoooo!!”

Elon Musk and his embarrassingly named DOGE have been on a mission to cut government spending. With an office in DC and 20-something employees of 20-somethings, Musk has been on the offensive left right, and center doing things that everyone’s really not sure is legal…

Ironically USAID actually provides money to various HIV/AIDS prevention organizations so getting rid of AIDS might actually bring about more AIDS. …AIDS.

USAID staff have been sent home and some employees have been locked out of their emails which explains why Janice isn’t responding to me even though I sent her like a dozen emails and even texted her to say she should make sure to check her junk mail.

The USAID could not be reached for comment. You know, probably because of what I just said…

Also, their website is down.

Two directors at the agency were put on administrative leave after refusing DOGE access to sensitive payment information. Look, I’m not a legal political expert by any stretch of anything but idk if a private citizen should have access to government documents. Like, what’s even going on here? I guess they’re like it’s fine, we don’t need to jump through the bureaucratic hoops because that’s what slows things down we’re cool and techy, move fast break things, we’re outsiders and we’re cool, but aren’t those rules there for a reason? Like, maybe Musk and gang should be properly vetted and stuff? Or voted in? Or something? I don’t know, if an expert in this can weigh in in the comment section that would be great thanks.

Anyway, what was I talking about? AIDS?

I tell you what would AID me, is a break from all this! Jebus-Louibus, man I can’t keep up with it anymore! All the news! There’s too much news I tell ya!

Following four hypothermia-related fatalities at this year’s Grammys, the Recording Academy has announced that they will be implementing a strict dress code for next year’s award ceremony.

“We are devoted to the promotion and appreciation of music in all its forms,” said the organization in a statement. “And whilst expressive fashion always has been a vital part of the music industry, we will no longer tolerate costumes that make a mockery of our art form, specifically weird foam-house-hat-things. I’m sorry, Jaden Smith, you just took it too far and have ruined it for everyone.”

Kanye West and his ironically-named wife Bianca Censori successfully made headlines after she took to the red carpet in a near-invisible dress. Whilst many thought that it was this outfit and the following deaths that sparked the Grammys’ new dress code, the academy made no mention of Censori’s outfit and is apparently only upset by Jaden Smith’s house hat.

According to the new dress code, all attendees, including performers, presenters, and guests, must adhere to the following guidelines:

All clothing must cover a majority of the body, and may not be shaped like a house in any way.
No sheer, transparent or house-like fabrics are allowed.
All outfits must be free of any offensive or controversial imagery, such as houses.
No costumes, props or hat houses are permitted.
Jaden Smith is permanently banned from the ceremony.

“I don’t know why I can’t wear my house,” said Smith in response. “It’s not my fault I’m agoraphobic.”

The Recording Academy has stated that these guidelines are necessary to maintain the dignity and prestige of the 100% prestigious and entirely dignified Grammeter Awards. They also hope that the new dress code will help to focus attention on the music and performances rather than on the attendees’ stupid attire.

However, the new dress code has been met with mixed reactions from the music industry. Some artists have praised the Recording Academy for taking a stand against inappropriate house attire, while others have criticized the move as being too restrictive and out of touch with the creative spirit of the music industry.

“What’s next they going to ban house music? Where does it end?” commented famed music producer Mr. … oh, no, wait, that was just some guy, never mind.

Oh, and also, Beyoncé won a Grammy so good for her, I guess.

BREAKING NEWS! Donald Trump has announced that his recent announcement that he announced that he would be announcing a $250m spending increase in crypto projects through his Trump Media company was in fact an ACCIDENT. Reportedly Donalt Rump began expressing interest last Thursday in, “living forever”, but got confused with the words for things and now owns a LOT of memecoins instead.

“I’m what, 78 now? They say I’m young for 78, but I’m 78 now and that’s not young,” Trup said to staffers in a now leaked audio recording. “I’m fit sure, but 78, that’s getting on. Andrew Jackson, how old was he when he died? Makes you wonder. I’ve been hearing there’s ways. There’s ways they say that a man of 60… 70… ways that he can be like a 20-year-old. I’ve heard it’s freezing, I’d like to freeze things, everything should be frozen, maybe.”

It was these comments that are said to have prompted the implementation of the federal budget freeze but Trunip continued, “They call it, what do they call it, crypto? You say it’s cryo? No, I’m pretty sure it’s called crypto. Everyone’s talking about it. I’m surprised we’re not investing in that. I mean, if you’re going to live forever, means the business will be around for a long, long time.”

“They say there’s one company, just one, Ethereum. They’re the ones that are the big time. They make you ethereal, that’s what they say, Etherum makes you ethereal, so you can live forever. They freeze you and then you’re ethereal. We should buy that. Bring me some eth. I want that. I want to be cryptogenically frozen.”

The president then instructed staffers to invest $250 million dollars in crypto citing his wish to “live forever”. When corrected, Rrumpt doubled down and said, that he definitely wanted to invest in crypto and that he knows what he’s talking about.

Now a statement from Trump Media made the purchase in error due to a misunderstanding. Witnesses close to the president said he was “apoplectic” when it was revealed that he now owned $250m in shitcoin rather than being immortal.

Barron Trump could not be reached for comment.

The President-that-ever-was Donald Jay Trump has ordered a federal spending freeze throwing government programs into question. Some are important, sure, but none are more important than Melania Trump’s Christmas budget.

Yes, next Christmas is still 13 months away. Yes, last Christmas was only 4 months ago. But who’s counting? Not me. Xmas prep begins now. NOW. So Melania’s already got budgets to make and ribbons to tie and who’s going to pay for those ribbons now, you? Are you going to fork out your hard-earned cash for Billionaire Melania’s ribbons? Well, you should, because it’s your tax dollars at work.

How are your tax dollars going to work if Melania can’t get her ribbons, huh?

Melania’s Christmas budget is a matter of national importance to Melania and me. With the government spending freeze in place, it is unclear how much money will be available for the First Lady’s holiday decorations and festivities! Some (me) argue that the spending freeze should not apply to the Christmas budget, as it is a tradition that brings joy to many people but mostly me. Others argue that the spending freeze should be applied across the board, and that the First Lady should not be exempt.

Oh, wait, news just in. A federal judge has blocked Trump’s spending freeze! Oh frabjous day! Quickly Melania! Buy the ribbons! BUY ALL THE RIBBONS! QUICKLY BEFORE THE SPENDING FREEZE COMES BACK! Here, put them in my bag, no, you don’t need to sort them by color there’s no time! Faster, get them in! OK, is that all of them? No, leave, those ones, those ribbons are dead to me, there’s no time!!

Get in the car, GET IN THE CAR MELANIA! The freeze is coming, it’s coming back!! Ok, now drive, DRIVE MELANIA! Quickly, to the White House! We have to get these ribbons back to the White House in time for Christmas!

Ok, we’ve made it back to the White House, Melania. The freeze is still frozen so we have time to buy more things, you order trees, I’ll buy icicles. I don’t know, just as many trees as you can order. Yes, all red trees, why not? QUICKLY MELANIA THE FREEZE!!

Watch this space for updates on this developing story.

Oh, wait, nevermind they revoked it. MELANIA THEY REVOKED IT IT’S FINE!

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES! DeepSeek, China’s answer to ChatGPT, is now number one on the App Store, has cut out $1 trillion in US tech stocks, and can spell strawberry correctly. A serious threat America’s AI dominance, DeepSeek has effectively fired the starting gun on the global AIrms race and a new Cold WAIr.

With DeepSeek’s new dominance, AIficionados are coming to realize that ChatGPT’s all chat, Gemini’s having a ge-mini heart attack and Microsoft’s Copilot just crash-landed in the ocean. For once the Chinese knock-off is better than the original…

Also logo is big whale. Me like big whale.

Ironically, DeepSeek’s success might be an unintended consequence of the US limiting China’s access to the advanced chips essential for AI development, lol. With this restriction, DeepSeek was forced to get creative and build an AI model on less processing power and held together with Krazy Glue. As a result, DeepSeek is rumored to have cost less than $6 million compared with the billions it cost me. Side note: please subscribe to my OnlyFans.

(Yes, DeepSeek might have used 50,000 illegally stockpiled Nvidia chips, but who’s counting?)

Adding an even hotter-lol to an already hot-lol, the table-turning also comes immediately after Trump made the bigly announcement that Project Stargate would see $500bn funnel into AI infrastructure in Texas. Industry insiders suggest Stargate will now pivot the way of all other American manufacturing and outsource the work to China.

Add to this the whole TikTok palaver which forced thousands of users to another Chinese app, RedNote, and it feels like Silicon Valley attempts to hold back the tide from across the pacific might be in vain.

Whilst being widely praised, DeepSeek does have limits. Ask DeepSeek about the famous ‘Tank Man’ photograph, and the AI will report you to the Chinese authorities. Ask about the political independence of Taiwan and DeepSeek will ask about your political independence now you’re in a Chinese prison. Ask whether Xi Jinping was the inspiration for Winnie the Pooh and DeepSeek will ask for you to kindly use the bucket in the corner of your cell if you wi-need a poo.

In retaliation, Google DeepMind has filed a cease and desist order against DeepSeek citing copyright infringement on the word, ‘deep’.

(DISCLAIMER: This article was in no way sponsored or endorsed DeepSeek… only written by it.)

OpenAI, Oracle, Softbank, and MGX are all coming together to build $500bn of AI infrastructure across the country. Little is known about project ‘Stargate’ but investors close to the companies say that Softbank is building the legs, MGX has funded construction of the arms and OpenAI is working on the head. When combined, all elements together will have the fighting prowess of a mighty lion.

Stargate is the brainchild of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman who claimed to have come up with the idea when flipping through channels. Reruns of 90s sci-fi shows and 80s cartoons then merged together for him in a dream.

“I woke up and thought, ‘What if we could create a real Voltron, but powered by the most advanced AI in the world?’ But obviously, I couldn’t call it that for copyright reasons,” Altman said in a statement. “And that’s how Stargate was born. Just don’t ask how I got the name.”

According to plans for Stargate, the massive robot will stand over 100 feet tall, weigh over 1,000 tons, and can wield various weapons. Why it would need to do this however remains an open question.

“Stargate will be the most powerful robot ever created,” continued Altman. “Maybe even more powerful than God.”

The project was announced alongside Turnip’s inauguration in what he called, “A resounding declaration of confidence in America’s potential.” I.e. he doesn’t know what AI does.

Other billionaire, Elon Musk clapped back at the project on the social media platform formerly known as Prince, saying, “They don’t actually have the money. Softbank has well under $10bn secured. I have that on good authority.” Sure you do. “Plus, Voltron was never as cool as Transformers.”

Altman then retorted, “Wrong, as you surely know. Voltron could beat any transformer in a fight, I’ll show you!” The post included a linked video of Altman smashing an Optimus Prime plastic toy with a Voltron figure.

This rivalry is the latest episode in an ongoing spat that began when the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. They should probably just f*** and get it over with.

Following Musk’s announcement that he intends to build a Grok-powered Transformer, it now seems more likely that this dispute will play out in an epic, kaiju-style fight that will wreak untold destruction on metropolises across the US.

For more fake news, keep locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Company.

Donald Johannes Trump’s inaugural inauguration was an eventful event with speeches, dancing, and a disappointingly few riots. One far-right protester did manage to make headlines however by taking to the stage to perform a Nazi salute. Oh, no wait, that was Elon Musk.

During a speech he did his classic move: jumping up and down. He thanked the crowd and then performed a less classic move by thrusting out his downward palm in a worryingly familiar gesture. Maybe he just got caught up in the moment? Maybe he doesn’t have full control of his limbs, OH no, he just did it a second time.

Now Musk has finally taken to Twitter to clear up the confusion and explain what his angle was, except for 45 degrees.

“Frankly, they need better dirty tricks. The ‘everyone is Hitler’ attack is sooo tired.” Agreed Elon, but calling someone Hitler is typically a hyperbolic attack on their words or policies. No one’s calling you Hitler, what people are saying is that you did a Nazi salute for some reason.

“Oh, OK, I’m sorry, I get you now,” responded Musk who I guess can somehow reply to what I’m writing in real-time? Errr…

“Let me explain, I was merely reaching up to high-five an old, long-lost friend of mine I saw in the crowd.”

Uh-huh. What’s that friend’s name, Elon?

“Adrian… err… Dittmann?”

Sure thing, and what about the second salute?

“Oh, that was to indicate to the sound team that I needed the volume raised.”

The sound team behind you?

“I was telling everyone how high Tesla profits are going to be.”

Sure.

“I was pointing out a cool bird I saw fly by.”

Right.

“I was indicating that I wanted someone to throw me a croissant.”

OK.

“I was showing off to everyone how long my arms are. By the way, they’re really long.”

Yeah.

“It’s a secret Illuminati symbol to indicate to my fellow lizard elite that the global new order is upon us.”

Pull the other one.

“I was just hailing a taxi.”

Sieg heiling?

“I was indicating how high you have to be to ride this ride.”

And how high were you?

“I was testing the aerodynamics of my hand for a future, err… space project.”

Alright, let’s wrap this up.

“I was using an ancient Roman greeting.”

Oh, you mean the salute that the Romans never actually used and was invented by a painting that the Nazis then co-opted thinking it was Roman?

“Errr, yeah, that one. Well, whatever, the democrats have done it too look at these pictures…”

Oh, SHIT OBAMA’S A NAZI?!

“Yeah, haha, HAHA! You see now?”

Alright, but these were taken out of context.

“Well, so was mine. Double standard. DOUBLE STANDARD!”

No, in these pictures they were probably talking about something else when raising their arm. It was to indicate a point, what was the point you were making.

“No, they were just using it for emphasis, just like me. You’re an idiot and you just lost an argument to a fictional version of Elon Musk in your own head.”

Oh, crap you’re right.

Elon Musk is available from all major participating retailers.

This morning, millions of Americans arose from their beds, ran downstairs with glee, and threw open their curtains to gaze out on the brand new light of Donald Trump’s second presidency. However, they were greeted with the ominous hue that Democrats tried to warn us about and Republicans had said would just be the beginning: orange.

It was only a little bit more orange, imperceptible at first, probably just a nice sunrise. But as the unsuspecting public continued about their day, they started to see that even as the sun rose, even as they went indoors, even when they shut their eyes, everything had the slightest of orange tints.

“Yeah, I’m not sure what’s going on,” claimed Daniel Arsogle, NASA’s head scientist. “I’m usually the guy in charge of making sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen, you know the sky stays blue, night is dark, that kind of thing, and let me tell you we have seen a chromatic fuck*p this big since that fuck**g dress.”

The White House has assured us that nothing untoward has occurred and that everything was always just a little bit orange you just never noticed it. “Who doesn’t like orange?” said White House spokesperson Pope Francis. “Vitamin C, delicious juice, cheeeeese? Name one thing bad that’s orange. Apart from him. Go on, I’ll wait.”

Although political experts like my step-sister’s boyfriend Anthony claim that Trump doesn’t even have the power to change the color of everything, Trump did elude to the change in his inaugural address, “A tide of change is sweeping the country. Sunlight is pouring over the entire world.” Additionally, a redacted three-word executive order uncovered by the Washington Post reportedly reads, “Tan the sky.”

It is unclear whether this order was carried out or even how. But many have claimed it’s definitely there.

“I for one think it’s great, like a new beginning,” said Jerry Cambustus, a 21-year-old Trump supporter. “It’s like the old saying goes, ‘It’s always darkest before the Don.’ That means it’s lightest after the Don(ald Trump, that is). To me, it’s like a sunrise or the afterglow of a hopeful dream.”

“To me, it looks more like a sunset. That or the apocalypse,” countered Myriam Ogshunt, a 46-year-old Democratic-Republican. “I’m afraid to leave my house. I’m worried it’s the end times. At first, I thought it was wildfires or a stroke but then I realized I couldn’t smell burning. It does feel like I spray-tanned my eyes but I’m not sure if that’s related.”

Whatever the cause or whether it even exists one thing is for sure, it’s now an orange world and we’re just living in it.

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