Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

‘Tis the season to be dressed up! ‘Tis. All halloooooween’s eve is almost upon us and that means children and opportunistic adults alike should all be preparing their tricking and/or treating attire. But if you haven’t been thinking much about getting out and having fun then we’ve got you covered… in a Halloween costume that is!

10. The Joker

An oldie but a goldie. What better way to memorialize the tragic death of a beloved actor from over a decade ago than by slapping on some face paint and calling it a day? Thankfully there’s a new iteration of this iconic character every year so this low-effort costume never goes out of style.

It’s quick and simple and gives you the opportunity to dig out that mediocre impression that you can do. The presence of this creepy murderer will be sure to make you the life of the party, just don’t forget your knife!

9. Guy Who Couldn’t Think Of A Costume In Time

A variation of the classic ‘guy who doesn’t like halloween’, guy who couldn’t think of a costume in time lets you wear whatever you like so long as it looks like regular clothes. The more unwashed with a little stain the better. The aim is to be ironic and cool and as detached from the festivities as possible!

8. A Jar Of Lard

Here are two things that lard and you have in common: no one likes you. We’re talking gross, we’re talking slimy, we’re talking just completely pointless and lard is all these things as well. Dressing up as a big fat jar of lard is just an all-time perfect fit for someone like you. Do it, loser.

7. A French Person

Now, before we get sued again I just want to clarify: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FRENCH PEOPLE. All of my best friends are French and there’s nothing to say that you reading this right now are not also happening to be a French. Having said that, it would be just a bit weird, wouldn’t it, you know to dress up as a French for the hallows? Just a bit strange. Like, what? And that makes it the perfect costume.

6. Nebraska’s Fourth Congressional District

This one’s a topical one! We’re coming up to the election period night, so how better a way to remind everyone of their need to get out and vote please than by a human version of Nebraska’s 4th congressional district? Yes, this district became obsolete in 1963 but that’s exactly why no one else will have thought of this congressional district for a Halloween costume.

5. Elvis

He’s dead, move on Terry. No, you can’t have ‘ghost of dead Elvis’ either. Wait, I’ve lost track of whether I’m recommending these costumes or just dunking on Terry. But seriously though he doesn’t listen to anything else. And he goes as Elvis every year. Stop.

4. A Slutty Avacado

Oooh, so sexxxy! There’s nothing sluttier than a juicy, fruity avocado! Avocados are the sluttiest of vegetables/fruits! Round and plump! Purple, green, red, orange, brown they’re all delicious! Smooth and buttery! Hard inedible secret inside bit! Yes! Just don’t forget your knife!

3. A Pun

Here’s the pitch, you’re a box of Cheerios buuuuuut you’ve got a knife! No! You’re a CEREAL killer of course! Great, it’s perfect and original. Guaranteed to have everyone exhaling out of their noses slightly in laughter! Just don’t forget your knife!

2. Your Mother

Your mother is a saint. She was always there for you from grave to cradle and tonight is your chance to pay her the respect she’s owed. Sneak into her house. Remove choice items of clothing and makeup from her wardrobe. Buy a cheap wig with a vaguely similar hair tone and boom: the perfect Halloween costume/general casual dress. Just don’t forget your knife!

1. Yourself

In the mirror stares back cold, haunted eyes that seem unfamiliar. Maybe they were once yours but there’s no laughter there. Surely this isn’t you? New clothes feel like deception but old clothes reek of faded nostalgia. It’s not just the fabrics: the food you eat, the work you do, the media you watch, none of it ever felt like a choice you made. Everything is a costume. It frightens you. But far more frightening is the unshakeable feeling that if you ever take the costume off, there will be nothing underneath.

So that’s our list! Comment below with what you’re wearing for Halloween!

This just in, today of all days, Donald J. Trump (the ex-president) has probably done something unusual for a presidential candidate to do.

Yes, with just a few weeks or days (depending on when you’re reading this) from (or after) the election, Donald Jonathan Trump has said or done a thing that was deliberate or wasn’t and has upset/delighted a lot of people.

The behavior was both unusual for an older gentleman and strange for any human to perform. [Insert insightful/witty observation here] However, in a stunning reversal of events, the Donald’s antics have shocked those who don’t like him and excited those who do.

Here’s a quote from someone with an opinion on the matter, “Well, I thought what this man did was certainly a thing that happened. Personally, it’s been all I can think about since my wife died. And I would like that on the record please.”

This is not the first time Mr. Trump has been known to make a thing happen that we did not expect. Just yesterday, Trump also did something along these lines. Add this to a series of things throughout the years that seem a bit odd or shocking and it actually seems kind of normal, doesn’t it?

[Note to self, if you’re low on word count here feel free to beef it up with some AI-generated text since it’s unlikely anyone will read this far anyway. Or, if you like, you could even use this space to express your thoughts and feelings. Maybe a little poem perhaps? Just really make it yours.]

It remains to be seen if the other candidate will be able to also do something that people will talk about but we’re hoping no, because Trump is funnier. You know, with his hair and odd posture, I suppose.

Whether this sort of headline-grabbing behavior was always just a stunt to create free publicity that keeps eyes on him and moves the focus away from his opposition by keeping people talking about Trump regardless of whether that talk is good or bad it doesn’t matter because both motivate the people who are going to vote to go and vote, we’re not changing minds here we’re just part of a machine that runs on attention instead of gasoline and we can’t say no to slurping up jet fuel when it’s offered to us even if that’s just what they want us to do and none of this is a new observation but it’s amazing how nothing’s changed because I guess it’s easy not to feel culpable when every action feels so small… or whether it’s just random, I guess we’ll never know.

What does this mean for the election and the future of the world and humanity as we know it? Hopefully not much.

TEMPLATE! DO NOT PUBLISH!

KAZAN, RUSSIA – Vladimir Putin has gathered over 20 friendly heads of state at his secret lair to devise devious deceits to bring down the West and everything it stands for.

Among the leaders are China’s Xi Jinping, Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian, US billionaire Lex Luthor and the telepathic evil monkey, Gorilla Grodd.

With the summit Putin aims to demonstrate that Russian sanctions are ineffective and there is nothing that Superman or any kind of man for that matter can do to stop them.

BRICS stands for Brazil, Russia, India and South Africa, so really it should be ‘BRICSA’ but that’s not a word so they couldn’t do that. Although Egypt, Ethiopia, Iran and the United Arab Emirates have now joined the group they were initially refused entry because BRICSAEEIUAE was too hard to pronounce.

Previously Lego has attempted to sue Russia for the use of the term ‘BRICS’ but the filing was dismissed out of court.

Putin was unable to attend last year’s BRICS due to the warrant for his arrest after he was caught shoplifting large swathes of land from Eastern Europe. However, the Russian president was present via video call and said, “Let’s do this at my place next time.”

The summit agenda will include obligatory photo ops with a malevolent glowing orb, mustache-twirling, discussions on how to unbridle the global economy from using the US dollar, and a bric-a-brac sale.

Reportedly Putin will unveil several plans to bring down America such as a giant stick of dynamite and a robot president, however, photos have recently emerged of Putin’s whiteboard with only the word, “AI?” circled multiple times.

BRICS dismissed accusations that the gathering was entirely anti-west in a statement that said that it was America and its allies who were the real Legion of Doom. “What about America’s support for Israel, huh?” said BRICS spokesperson Omal Whelper. “Ever heard that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw bricks? Well, now we’re throwing BRICS at glass houses, how about that, huh?”

The White House declined to comment on the gathering but did express through a number of hand gestures that they were glad to have all the countries under one banner because it made things a lot easier to understand.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A local McDonald’s is facing complaints after drive-thru traffic ground to a halt this weekend. The delay was reportedly caused by an untrained new hire who slowed service by talking at length to customers.

Franchise owner, Nads Mescling explained that, “He seemed like a nice enough guy, liked to talk a lot. I don’t want to blame his age but his performance just isn’t up to the standard we expect from Feasterville McDonald’s. We might think twice about hiring convicted felons in the future.”

The line of cars stretched for miles as hungry drivers waited to be fed in an unusually high turnout for the local fast-food chain. The main cause of the delay appeared to be the employee trying to upsell his own crypto tokens, hats, and bibles. At one point service ceased entirely when the employee opted to play music and stand and sway for 40 minutes instead of working.

Thankfully there were only two heat-stroke fatalities.

The employee responsible for the delays has not been identified but McDonald’s has assured customers that he was let go less than an hour into his shift.

“At first I thought he might be overqualified,” commented ‘customer experience leader’ Brasing Edemma, “I mean who turns up to work at McDonald’s in a suit? He even wore a matching red tie, like, that’s crazy.”

“But turns out he’d only ever worked in, like, a bank or selling watches or something? So he had to be shown everything. Yeah, you have to salt the fries, no, you don’t get to eat the fries. And he kept calling them freedom fries but they were just regular fries.”

Witnesses say that the employee only wanted the job to prove he could do better than an obscure, unnamed student employee who worked at the restaurant in the 1980s. Evidence of who that student was or whether they even worked at McDonald’s has yet to come to light making this the first time anyone has argued for McDonald’s to be kept on their CV.

What should have been a minor local news piece has exploded into a hotly debated issue. Weirdly, political pundits have weighed in with their opinion on this distinctly apolitical event. Democrats claim the whole scenario was ‘desperate’ and ‘embarrassing’ whereas Republicans claim this random employee’s actions were ‘emboldening’ and ‘relatable’. And, like …OK?

While many photographers were on the scene to photograph the event for some reason, publications opted to use AI-generated images instead because no one could really tell the difference.

This week NASA launched its Clipper mission to find life on the distant planet of ‘Earth’, specifically within the residence of one ‘Joe Biden’.

The long-awaited mission was initially delayed by Hurricane Milton and when NASA lost Biden in a supermarket. Now the SpaceX Falcon Heavy has launched directly upward and, after a quick flyby of Europa, will come straight back down to study the White House.

NASA hopes to detect signs of life within the current President, where scientists have long known about the presence of liquid water. However, researchers remain cautious about finding organic compounds or even consciousness. Life signs are rare in the cold, dead vacuum of Washington D.C.

Critics of the mission point out that if Biden happens to stay very, very still when the instruments scan the White House, NASA might not be able to pick up a life signature.

“This is the first mission we’ve ever sent to study a living president,” said NASA head-nerd, Boden Gobsunt. “We sent the Apollo missions in the 60s to study the crater in JFK’s head but we didn’t find any life then.”

Gobsunt neglected to mention the failed ‘Dodo’ missions sent to study the Trump presidency as the spacecraft was immediately shot out of orbit by Trump’s Space Force.

“Whatever we find or don’t find will fundamentally change our understanding of the presidency,” Gobsunt continued. “If we find life it will be a great relief to the American people and if we don’t find life it will also be a great relief to the other half of the American people.”

Mr. Biden is unaware of the mission, but then again, he’s unaware of a lot of things. When asked whether this mission was in good taste, the NASA spokesperson declined to comment.

Here’s the deal: he’s old. That’s the joke. It’s funny to make fun of old people. I don’t know what else you want me to say. It’s called ‘punching down’ and it’s always funny AND tasteful. He’s a little slower than he was, maybe a little less intelligible. That’s what happens to old people and it’s funny to look at him and say, “Haha, he’s a little slower than people who are younger than him”. Laughing at bad things means we don’t have to feel sad instead. Laughing means the bad things will never, ever happen to us. It’s called, ‘humor’, look it up. I’ll fight you.

OAKS, PA – Donald Trump has revealed plans to open a disco in the ‘swing’ state of Pennsylvania riding the success of his DJ set at a recent rally in which two people fainted.

Half an hour into the former president’s town hall, an attendee fainted due to the high temperatures inside the expo center. When the event’s moderator suggested the attendees sit down to avoid further incidents, Trump encouraged everyone to stand up and dance.

“Let’s not do any more questions,” said Trump. “Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music fest.” He then insisted on playing guaranteed floor-fillers, nothing but wall-to-wall bangers, real toe-tappers such as ‘Ave Maria’, ‘Hallelujah’, ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, and ‘Time To Say Goodbye’. Invigorated by these sick beats the crowd gently swayed back and forth, mumbling the half-remembered lyrics while Trump stood silently on stage for 39 minutes watching everyone slowly leave.

It was this electric energy that has inspired Trump to enter the music biz. Trump envisions a building in which it’s always a music fest. A ‘club’, if you will, that opens at ‘night’, a ‘nightclub’, for disco dancing, a ‘disco’, if you will. A place where people can dance and sing along to their favorite upbeat hits such as Jonny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ and ‘Royalty Free Funeral March Number 4’.

The purpose-built nightclub, dubbed, ‘Truth Social Club’ is due to break ground next week so voters can break down before the election. Attractions will include indoor crazy golf, voting booths, and a bar serving water and orange juice to keep the atmosphere going. Paramedics will of course be on hand should any other medical emergencies occur.

Trump has already guaranteed a personal appearance to show off moves such as the ‘fist pump’ and the ‘Trump weave’ and suggested he might be able to persuade JD to DJ.

Fourteen notable music artists have already come out to object to the project, preparing pre-emptive cease and desist letters should Club Trump-icano play any of their songs. In the case of any successful lawsuit, the disco may be forced to revert to playing non-stop Kid Rock.

Trump has suggested that potential licensing issues could be worked around by using exclusively parody soundalikes such as, ‘I’m Still Standing (Despite Two Assassination Attempts)’, ‘Water-Felon Sugar’, ‘Smooth-ish Criminal’ and ‘Trump Up The Jam’.

Should Trump lose the presidential race he has hinted he might dedicate himself to managing the club full time. In the case he does win the presidency, however, Trump has stated that he will dedicate himself to managing the club full-time.

Ex-First Lady, Melania Trump’s new memoir hit shelves on Tuesday and, in addition to clashing with her husband’s anti-abortion stance, Melania also hinted at her support for Kamala Harris.

In the book, ‘Melania’ by Melania, Melania’s ghostwriter explains, “There is only one choice for the president and it is really not who you think I think it is going to be…(winky face emoji)”

Who precisely that person is remains unclear but political experts are quick to point out that there is only one other candidate in the 2024 United States of America presidential election for the president ever since Robert Francis Kennedy Junior bowed out of the race.

“There’s only a couple of people the book could be talking about,” said former political scholar Derbert Monfresse, “I’ve been wracking my own brains trying to think of who it could be and all I can say is it’s probably not the one who you’d expect it to be (winky face).”

Republicans now fear that should the race come down to one singular vote (as was the case with Bush v. Gore in 2000), Melania might be held responsible and the Trumps’ all-important marriage would be in tatters.

Aside from this revelation, the book features numerous tidbits such as Melania revealing that she is pen pals with the King of England, the Pope, and former US President, Donald Trump.

Other headline-grabbing points (but that were real so we couldn’t make our actual headline) include her denial of the 2020 election results, that she was in the situation room during the Al-Baghdadi raid, and that she still occasionally goes for brunch with Stormy Daniels (ok, fine, that last one’s made up too).

Melania’s stance on abortion is surprisingly part of a long tradition of first ladies contradicting their husbands’ opinions. Laura Bush supported abortion rights against her husband and famously Martha Washington said, “Abortion, I don’t know what that is but if George likes it then I don’t.”

‘Melania’ is out now in hardback, softback, and all kinds of backs from all good bookselling stores.

Stemming accusations that she avoids interviews, Vice President Kamala Harris dragged herself through a 60 Minutes interview that felt more like 127 Hours (remember? the movie with Jake Franco? And he’s stuck inside of a rock and ends up befriending the rock or something? I don’t know I never watched it but it feels like no one talks about it anymore. Maybe it didn’t do well because 127 hours is way too long for a movie… Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah…) the movie.

For the sake of impartiality, the episode began with a 60-second segment explaining that the republican nominee refused the interview until he received an apology for the previous one (note, this is not standard interview protocol). In 2020 Trump cut his 60 Minutes interview short, now, 60 Minutes wants their time back. “Everyone does 60 Minutes, it’s the law,” CBS explained, “Like Andy Warhol said, ‘In the future, everyone will have to be on 60 Minutes’.”

“You still owe us 39 minutes and 14 seconds, Mr. Trump. We’re getting that time back one way or another. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick.”

Terrified she might owe 60 Minutes valuable time and intent on avoiding a ‘time debt’ like Trump, Kamala Harris sought to extend the interview and use up all allotted 60 minutes without saying much by avoiding questions and leaving long pauses between syllables.

Bill Whitaker grilled Harris on the Middle East, the economy, and what he was planning to have for lunch, successfully generating usable clips that both sides could take out of context.

However, as if to punish Harris for her stalling tactic, once the 60 minutes had expired, Whitaker did not cease the interview. Harris begged to leave but Whitaker would not relent and continued to question the presidential nominee. As the recording came close to the 127-minute mark Harris appeared to threaten Whitaker.

“I have a Glock,” she said. “Have you ever fired it?” asked Whitaker. “Yes. Of course, I have,” replied Kamala, cold desperation in her eyes. And just like that, the interview was over.

Harris had survived more than 60 minutes of 60 Minutes and would be glad to never again be in debt to the Columbia Broadcasting System. But when it came to air, the Harris campaign was devastated to discover only roughly ten minutes of the interview made it to broadcast and CBS would bank that time to claim at any point of their choosing.

“You still owe us,” CBS continued in a creepy sing-song voice, “Everyone pays the time debt. Everyone.”

At a Trump rally this weekend, Elon Musk deployed his new anti-assassination technique: jumping up and down really fast.

Former president, Donald Trump returned to Butler, Pennsylvania twelve weeks after the failed assassination attempt on his life. During his speech, Trump invited Elon Musk onto the stage to speak. The billionaire proceeded to jump up and down in what initially appeared to be an impromptu performance of ‘the YMCA’ but was actually a defensive technique against a potential assassination attempt.

“He’s been practicing for months,” explained former Olympic high jumper and Musk’s personal trainer, Robyn Bobbin, “When Elon heard the rally was coming up, he said he wanted to be able to dodge bullets and I told him, when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”

“It’s the same technique I use at the Olympics or at the dentist and to this day I’ve not been shot more than twice,” Ms. Bobbin continued. “The principle is very simple, by jumping up and down you create a moving target, that’s number one. Number two is you’re confusing the shooter because they’re looking at you going, ‘what the hell are they doing?’ and you can’t fire a gun when you’re confused.”

By all accounts, the technique was successful with no incidents at the event. As amateur historian, Derbert Monfreese, explained, “Had Abraham Lincoln jumped up and down, maybe he’d still be with us today.”

After tuckering himself out from jumping, Musk proceeded with his speech. “Hi everyone. As you can see, I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark MAGA’,” Musk said, referencing both his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat and the ‘dark MAGA’ meme. You see, whereas MAGA hats are normally red, Musk’s hat was black, or ‘dark’, like the meme. Ordinarily, if you have to explain the joke, it’s not funny, however, this is not true with the elevated humor of Elon Musk.

Unable to ‘block’ the ‘X’ owner ‘IRL’, rallygoers and Trump listened to Musk’s expression of free speech as he proceeded to recount the gruesome details of the failed Trump assassination (exciting) before lecturing about the importance of registering to vote (boring). Once concluded, Musk bunny-hopped off stage.

Reportedly the United States military has contacted Musk about the possibility of deploying his patented ‘jumping’ technique in the field. However, it remains to be seen whether Trump himself will apply Musk’s move at future public appearances or just stick to his signature ‘fist dance’ to bamboozle any potential assassins.

With this month’s addition of a second ‘mini-moon’, Earth’s original moon, the Moon, has opened up about feeling “unwanted and replaced” in an exclusive interview.

“It just feels like the moment you reach 4.53 billion years, no one wants to hear from you,” the Moon admitted this weekend. “Why else would this mini-moon be suddenly getting all the headlines? I do think it’s ageism, I do. Mini-moon? More like mini-slut.”

The Moon is referring to 2024 PT5, the asteroid that recently entered Earth’s orbit where it will remain until the end of November. The mini-moon is not visible to the naked eye as it is only 10 meters across, but it is there, we promise.

“‘Petite’, they call it,” continued the Moon between cocktail sips. “I was never called ‘petite’. I have a diameter of 2,000 miles for god’s sake! And you know what? I’m proud to be big-boned. I’d like to see that PT5 bitch influence the tides with its itty-bitty waist.”

“How can you even call that a moon? I’ve seen more meat on a Saturn V rocket. You’re telling me Pluto is too small to be planet but this pocket-sized hussy gets to be called a moon? I’m the moon. I’M THE MOON.”

This development comes amid growing tensions between the Moon and the Earth. The astronomical bodies continue to drift apart at a rate of about 1.5 inches a year.

Last week the Moon Tweeted (‘X’d’, whatever), “YOU DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! I’m not made of cheese, I’m not a golf course, I’m not someone’s bare ass. I have feelings but half the time it feels like you don’t even know I exist. I’M DONE. I’M GONE.” However, at the time of posting, it was unclear if the Moon actually went anywhere since it was the middle of the day.

In related news, astrologers are said to be “shitting bricks” over the new moon. “New-new moon-moon rising? Is that what we’re calling it?” Carter Bungleslim, Head of Astrology at NASA said in leaked emails. “This is going to f*** up lunar birth signs for everyone. I’m calling it, any kids born right now are going to be retarded.”

When reached for comment, 2024 PT5 did not reply. Because it’s a rock. And rocks don’t speak. Obviously.

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Pen Smith• October 27, 2024D

Top 10 Halloween Costumes For People Who Hate Themselves

Pen Smith• D

Top 10 Halloween Costumes For People Who Hate Themselves

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