2025 | Wall Street Memes

Merry Christmas! Happy Xmas! Heri za Kwanzaa! And all the above!

What are you doing here? It’s Christmas Day, and you’ve logged into Wall Street Memes Dot Com? Do you really have nothing better to do?

I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no financial news to speak of, and I’ve not really got anything funny to say. Look, see, look, nothing, I’ve got nothing.

I mean, this is the best I can do, take it or leave it: Melania’s Christmas Budget Uncertain Following Trump Spending Freeze

Are you really that bored? What, have you opened all your presents, eaten all your turkey? Argued with your weirdly-forward Uncle? Maybe you could pull a cracker or two? Is there really nothing left for you to do on today of all days?

Ok, if you’ve not dont all that then do something, go home. Call your mom, storm a stranger’s house wailing carols, honestly, literally anything would be better than reading the words in front of you right now.

Wall Street Memes is hardly improving stuff at the best of times, but seriously, today is not the day when you’re going to be gaining from this interaction.

Why am I still here? Oh, well, because I have to be here. I’m paid to be here. I don’t have a family or friends to go to, so I volunteered, I said, yeah, sure, I can take the Christmas shift, I don’t mind, I’ve not got anything better to do…

…hey, I guess that’s you too.

Well, hi. I’m sorry we’ve both got nothing else on today but now I’m not so sorry to see you. I guess, I doesn’t matter if I’m the only one to say it to you today, and even if we are both lonely strangers communicating across the internet, I just want to say…

…Merry Christmas.

The results are in, and it’s jingle all the way!

In a national survey, Christmas has been officially declared America’s most popular day, beating out other popular days such as the Fourth of July, the Fifth of July, and the Eighth of July.

The survey, conducted by fourth-grader Luke Bissal for his school math project, asked seven classmates to rank their favourite vacation of the year, and this year Christmas came out on top.

Prior winners of the coveted ‘most popular vacation’ award were… Christmas and Christmas and…

Well, that’s it, as Luke’s only done the survey twice before. This confirms last year’s data when Luke conducted the same research and reached the same result.

Although the country waits with bated breath for next year’s result, Luke said that he probably won’t conduct the same survey again, as Miss Munroe said he should have thought up a new one this year and they might not even do this project again anyways.

Until then, Christmas lovers across the world are hailing the news as “exuberant” and “the best thing since Christmas.”

A Christmas Miracle For All The Family To Enjoy Today

One festive fiend couldn’t help but comment, “Wowee! It’s a Christmas-time miracle. I’ve always known that Christmas is the best time of year, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by real hard scientific data that you can’t dispute or argue with. I’ll toast my eggnog to that!”

Another annual Christmas-goer, who asked to remain anonymous, added, “It’s Christmas all around the world! Even here in sunny Portugal where the sun always shines and the rain is never near, we think Christmas is the best time of year every year and are so glad to hear that there’s a little lad out there who agrees with me and my best friends, Tiana, Michael, and Chlorine.”

Critics of the results, however, were quick to pour Grinch-flavoured Scrooge juice all over everyone’s fun.

According to so-called scientists, Luke’s survey was far from conclusive as he wasn’t wearing a white coat at the time. Had he been conducting the survey in the official uniform of science (and maybe even been holding a clipboard and pen for extra effect), then the scientific community might have looked at these results with a bit more respect.

Until then, Christmas will have to remain just ‘one of the most popular days for a third year in a row’.

For more on this story, read this: Christmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running

In a ground breaking agreement, world leaders from across the globe have come together to ban all wars, with the exception of the War on Christmas.

“We believe that this is a fair and equitable solution that will allow us to maintain peace and harmony while still preserving our cherished holiday traditions,” said United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres.

The ban on war will go into effect immediately, with the exception of the War on Christmas, which will be allowed to continue indefinitely.

War on Christmas death toll now in the millions

When asked why the War on Christmas was excluded from the ban, Guterres explained that it is a “sacred conflict” that must be fought every year to protect the sanctity of the holiday.

“The War on Christmas is a battle for the soul of our civilization,” said Guterres. “We must never surrender to the forces of secularism and political correctness that seek to destroy our most cherished traditions.”

World leaders also agreed to establish a new international organization, the War on Christmas Council, which will be responsible for overseeing the conflict and ensuring that it is conducted in a fair and orderly manner.

war on christmas meme — Oh, is this too controversial? Can’t handle a little dark humor, huh? It’s woke correctness gone mad!! I SAY LEGALIZE COMEDY!!!

The council will be made up of representatives from all countries that celebrate Christmas, and it will be responsible for setting the rules of engagement, monitoring compliance with the ban on war, and investigating any alleged violations.

The agreement to ban all wars except for the War on Christmas was met with mixed reactions. Some people praised the decision, saying that it would help to promote peace and understanding among nations. Others criticized the decision, saying that it was discriminatory and unfair.

war on christmas tweet — How about this one? Too soon? God, I can’t win with you!!!

Despite the controversy, the ban on war is expected to go into effect as scheduled. And so, the world will once again be at peace, except for people who say ‘happy holidays,’ they can get shot.

It’s Christmas time of year and we’re asking for presents, buying presents, giving presents and just all around moving money around in a circle. So what’s the really best present you can get? Money.

So here it is, after a year of watching the markets, here are the best investments from 2025 that’ll fill your stockings for 2026:

Number 10: SpaceX

By the time you’re reading this SpaceX could easily be a public company and by that point you’re already too late. But if you happen to be a SpaceX employee, Elon Musk or in a position to mug someone with SpaceX shares, I’d take it.

Number 9: Nvidia

I mean, come on, the world’s most valuable company? It goes without saying it’s on this list. $5 trillion dollars worth of money in value? Yeah, I’d like a piece of that action. The only question is, why is this at number four? What could possibly be a better investment than Nvidia?

Number 8: Shorting Nvidia

Let’s face it, what goes up must come down and Nvidia is up with not much anywhere else it can go. They said the Titanic was too big to fail, they said the same about the banks in 2000. Yes, 2026 will be the year the AI bubble burst and Nvidia will be the ones left with wet, soapy, sloppy hands.

Number 7: Reverse Cramer

A classic. Can’t go wrong. The only portfolio that’ll go all the way.

Number 6: Jesus, only six? I’m running out of ideas. Sure, Jesus, it’s Christmas after all, why not, invest in Jesus.

I mean, Pascal had it right, he’s an almighty super being that if he’s real you’re going to be very, very rich so might as well get in on the ground floor, spiritually speaking.

Number 5: Stonks

Like regular stonks but these go a bit more wiggly. Plus, extra bonus meme. Good invest.

Number 4: The dog track

I’ve got a sure thing on Lucky Trimmings, Thursday’s race. All your money on him, I’m telling you. It’s a sure thing.

Number 3: Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com

Speaking of sure things: gamble all your money with us. It’s a great investment, promise. Hey, don’t forget this whole site is just an advert. I’ve got to shill my product now, don’t I?

Number 2: Warren Buffett’s Will

I mean, if you can get in there before it’s too late, I’m just saying, you’ll be minted, sire. MINTED.

Number 1: Yourself

No better investment. Forget everything above. If you want to make real dollar, invest in yourself. You’ve got this.

Donaldent Presitrump just announced a “Warrior Dividend” available to anyone with an axe, braids and a horned helmet. Oh, no wait, sorry, different kind of warrior. Trump checks will go to American servicemen in the MODERN day. Ahh, that makes more sense.

The news came in Trump’s latest press conference hailing the success of his tariffs and how stupid and sucky Joe Biden still is (remember him?).

The amount is a one off payment of one thousand, seven hundred and seventy six dollars ($1,776) which seems like a completely random number but it actually has a really interesting history, so let’s break down the origins of that strange number…

…How does a BASTARD, ORPHAN, son of a WHORE and a SCOTSMAN, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar? Etc. etc.

You with me now? THAT’S RIGHT! 1776 is a date… And on February 17th, Edward Gibbon published his first volume of The History of the Decline Fall of the Roman Empire and you just know Trump’s always thinking about the Roman Empire and wanted to commemorate such an event.

Wait, that’s not it… maybe it’s that in March of 1776 restrictions on the cereal trade in Sweden were lifted? Whatever that means, Wikipedia…

Oh, you know what, Trump’s probably referencing the death date of French magistrate Pierre-Robert Le Cornier de Cideville. I know Trump’s a big fan and he’s always said how he wants America’s servicemen to remember their 18th century French bureaucrats.

Or maybe we’ll just never know. It’s very possible Trump selected this specific number at random and if that’s the case, the meaning of it will simply be lost to the mists of time…

The richest man in the world just got significantly more richerer because Tesla hit a new high and SpaceX’s latest tender offer just valued the company at $800 billion dollars in actual money rocketing Musky-Man’s net worth to $684.3 billion dollars in actual monetaries.

It all makes you wonder, what does a man like Musk possibly buy himself for Christmas? Well, I just happen to have his letter to Santa right here on my desk and it looks like he’s in the market for an entire country.

So without further ado, in no particular order, here are five countries that have a GDP lower than Elon Musk’s net worth (that means you can buy it then, right?):

5. Belgium – $665b

This is the most expensive country on Elon’s list even though it’s pretty small and there’s not really much there. What do they have, like, chocolate? I guess that’s cool, he could retire and become like Willy Wonka.

4. Israel – $540b

There’s only one way to solve the problems in the middle east and that’s to BUY ISRAEL. With this new purchase, Musk could achieve world peace or he could use his robots and spaceships for war. It’s entirely up to him. …Man, Musk really is on the brink of becoming Lex Luthor, isn’t he?

3. Kazakhstan – $288b

The largest item in Elon’s shopping basket here, Kazakhstan is over a million square miles of beautiful verdant scenery. With this new land he could probably build a Grok-powered city, or maybe a hyperloop that actually goes somewhere. Or maybe the meme king will just build a giant statue of Borat.

2. The United Arab Emirates – $537b

Now this one surprised me, I didn’t expect the home of billionaire’s playground, Dubai to have a lower GDP than some other countries on this list but here we are. Hey, if you’re for sale UAE, then Elon’s buying. I’m just saying.

1. Literally any country that’s not the US, China, Germany, Japan, India, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Brazil, Russia, Mexico, Australia, Spain, South Korea, Indonesia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Netherlands, Switzerland or Poland

Name a country, any country in the world and so long as it’s not on the above list it’s GPD is lower than Elon’s current net worth.

Crazy.

You’ve heard of the Air Force, you’ve heard of Space Force well now get ready for TECH FORCE!

TECHFOOOORRRCE!!! *nenenehnehnehnehTHEME TUNE!!*

*explosion!*

Yeeeahh, baby, the US Tech Force is a new program to get you yung-uns into tech. So get this, with NO college degree and ZERO experience, YOU can earn between $150,000 and $200,000 for a two year stint working in a federal agency! Bargain!

(I promise this isn’t an advert… well, it is an advert for WSM Casino, I mean, this isn’t an advert for Tech Force is what I mean…)

So why is the government looking to hire more people when DOGE just fired so many government employees? Well, because DOGE just fired so many government employees. Turns out that those people who pushed the buttons and pressed the levers? Well, yeah, you need those people.

But what you DON’T need is to pay for experienced people, no, you can just hire teenagers off the street for much much less! Yay!

Where’s Big Balls? Let’s get him back in here, he can run the show.

According to Fortune, DOGE, “Orchestrated the departure of about 260,000 government employees through buyouts, early retirements, or terminations. Among those cuts were technology-focused programs including the entire 18F digital consulting group and substantial portions of the U.S. Digital Service.”

But now, tech force aims to hire 1,000 “fellows” to stop that gap. Partnered with AWS, Meta, Microsoft, Apple, Oracle, Palantir and xAI to train these new peeps and then maybe even hire them afterwards this could be a really good scheme for you reading this right now, why are you still here? SIGN UP TODAY!

Ok, not technically Trump, but his son in law just pulled out and that’s close enough to make a clickbait title, right? …RIGHT?

Donald Trump’s son in law Jared Kushner’s private equity firm, Affinity, just pulled its funding for Paramount’s bid to buy Warner Bros. Discovery. Still with me?

In a statement, the firm explained that “With two strong competitors trying to secure the future of this unique American asset, Affinity has decided not to pursue the opportunity anymore. The investment situation has changed a lot since we first got involved in October. We still believe Paramount’s offer makes sense strategically.”

Sure you do…

Paramount now loses a potentially key ally in their bid as it might fall on king Trump to pass the final verdict on whether I’m going to have to pay an extra $2 a month for HBO or not.

Whilst it previously looked like Trump and Paramount were walking hand in hand, Trump did recently criticize Paramount’s CBS for 60 Minutes depiction of him, Truthing: “If they are friends, I’d hate to see me enemies!”

And that’s what this all comes down to. Trump will support whoever flatters or bribes him more. He’s a business man, come on, what do you want from him? And Trump’s little tweet was a warning for Paramount to toe the line or lose his support. It’s the same thing that happened with Jimmy Kimmel, it’s the same thing he’s trying with his lawsuit against the BBC.

Pledge fealty to the king or incur his wrath!

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, WBD’s board is reportedly planning to reject Paramount’s offer citing concerns over its financial structure and the terms over the merger. The ball is pitched back into Paramount’s court who have already said that this is not their best and final offer (weird negotiation tactic, but ok).

So all in all, needless to say we’ve not reached the season finale here yet and there are still many more twists and turns to be had before the act three reveal where Larry Ellison is unmasked as the murderer all along.

Back in the day, famed car manufacturer Henry T. Ford spoke out against the creation of a central US bank and was then promptly murdered by JP Morgan on the Titanic.

Jks.

But Ford did have his newspaper, The Dearbord Independent, write that the Federal Reserve System was “a system of private banks [that heradled] a creation of a banking aristocracy.”

Yeah, but he also didn’t like anyone who drove a red car, so what does he know?

God, could you imagine private financial interests running newspapers and such? So glad that doesn’t happen today.

Ford also commented that, “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”

Haha, what a joker. Yes, we’ve come a long way since Ford’s time. The Fed is now a cornerstone of the US economy, along with the gold reserve, and my regular credit card repayments, which I definitely do.

Meanwhile, Henry Ford died penniless and isn’t remembered for anything.

But his legacy lives on! Ford’s sentiment has echoes in current US President Donald J. Trump thinking. Trump has recently spoken out against the Fed and its chair, saying that, “I don’t think it good,” probably, idk, I don’t read the news.

But what do you think? Is the Fed really just a private bank designed to divest money from individuals and businesses and move control into the hands of big government? Or do you disagree?

Let us know in the comments!

Ford (FRD) stock is UP following the announcement that they will be cancelling a bunch of their full EV vehicles and pivoting back to gas and hybrid vehicle production.

So I guess China won then? I guess you’re just giving up and letting China take the EV market. They’ve been coming for you and now you’ve stopped and let them catch you. But hey, better to retreat with casualties than keep on fighting until the bitter end, right Tesla?

The news comes with a long list of announcements, including the cancellation of Ford’s F-150 Lightning EV (why is it named like a fighter jet?) and pivoting their battery manufacturing from cars to grid storage.

I’m sorry, what was that about climate change? Yeah, I hardly know her neither.

“The operating reality has changed, and we are redeploying capital into higher-return growth opportunities: Ford Pro, our market-leading trucks and vans, hybrids, and high-margin opportunities like our new battery energy storage business,” said CEO, Henry Ford, in a statement.

This gear shift does mean the famed car manufacturer will eat a massive $$$$$19.5 billion in monies. Let me break that down for you:

$8 billion in asset impairments, including EV asset writedowns
$6 billion for restructuring and acquiring battery plant assets from partner SK ON
$5.5 billion in cash charges related to vehicle cancellations

And I know that seems like a lot but Ford has spotted a massive slump in EV purchases so in the long run this’ll be for the best, promise.

As the great Henry Ford once said, “Any customer can have a car powered any way that he wants, so long as it is gas.”

For more car news, read this: Ferrari Unveils First EV Car, Stock Price Stalls

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The results are in, and it’s jingle all the way!

A Christmas Miracle For All The Family To Enjoy Today

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