2025 | Wall Street Memes

Millions of people across America are collectively standing in a bedroom doorway, crying for Elon Musk and Donald Trump to end their bitter feud.

The once-perfect pairing of two overpowered narcissists with completely different world views has turned sour in a way that no one could have possibly predicted.

The catalyst has been Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill (still can’t believe it’s called that), currently trending on X as the ‘Big Ugly Bill’. As the deadline looms and lawmakers get deeper into the debate over its merits, Musk has lashed out again.

Musk went on a tweeting spree yesterday, Xing out against raising the national debt and threatening to form a new party, the cleverly named ‘America Party’, should the bill pass.

Elon feels the bill goes too far and doesn’t go far enough, or something? Idk, it’s like the biggest tax cut the wealthy has ever seen, I don’t know why he’s not happy. It’s going to increase the national debt, I think, which Musk hates, or loves, or something, idk, not sure why he’s got skin in this game.

Any which ways, he’s escalated things, claiming Trump is in the Epstein files and most recently offering to financially support any lawmakers who go against his bill. That’s a bribe, right? We can call that a bribe.

So Trump hits back with a, “Elon may get more subsidy [sick] than any human being in history, by far, and without subsidies, Elon would probably have to close up shop and head back home to South Africa. No more Rocket launches, Satellites, or Electric Car Production, and our Country would save a FORTUNE. Perhaps we should have DOGE take a good, hard look at this? BIG MONEY TO BE SAVED!!!”

Trump Musk America Feud Tweet — Elon likely to receive a call from ICE in the coming weeks

And all of this leaves us looking on, teary-eyed, thinking it’s all our fault, wondering what we could do to pull them back together. How can we make them stop? Why do they have to be so mean? Why don’t they love each other anymore? They used to love each other. They used to love each other.

At least no one will get developmental issues from this, right? RIGHT?

As for who’s mommy and who’s daddy in this scenario, I’ll let you sick freaks work that one out for yourselves.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Wins Custody Of Joe Rogan In Divorce With Musk

The United States of Canada (remember them?) has repealed its tech-attacking tax bill in a desperate attempt to appease its almighty god south of the border.

Whilst last-minute pull-outs are not normally effective, it seems that the withdrawal method worked this time as Trump has agreed to restart trade talks.

The digital services tax (AKA DST, AKA Don’t Say ‘Trade’, AKA Donald Shit-the-bed Trump) would have taxed the US tech big boys, Amazon, Meta, Google, Apple, MySpace and whoever runs KnowYourMeme.com, a WHOPPING 3% of earnings over $20m.

This light tickle to the biggest companies in the godamn world apparently caused a massive sneeze for Trump, who balked at the ta,x calling it a “blatant attack” and “egregious” and “economically we have such power over Canada”. Trump then proved it by playing his signature move: TARIFFS!

In a statement, Canada’s finance minister, a man with the Frenchest name you ever heard, François-Philippe Champagne, said, “The DST was announced in 2020 to address the fact that many large technology companies operating in Canada may not otherwise pay tax on revenues generated from Canadians.” Huh, maybe this DST doesn’t sound like the worst idea.

Despite Canada’s new leader, Mark Carney, declaring financial independence from America, Trump’s backlash to the backlash worked and Canadia came a crawling back.

Anyone who knows Canada isn’t surprised and potentially Trump was relying on his polite neighbors to cave first with 26,000 sorries and an apology hamper of maple syrup, bacon, and free prescription drugs.

Now both parties say they will agree to new trade terms by 21 July. We’ll see.

For more Canada news, click here: IMPROBABLE: Canada Also Has Political News

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

For more coin news, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four people to replace “stupid” Fed Chair Jerome Powell. And whilst everyone was kept in suspense, bookies went wild with their predictions, SBF, Tiffany Fong, and Idris Elba ranked the top choices for the role.

But Trump played a curve ball and to everyone’s surprise but mine, picked nepo baby extraordinaire, Eric Trump, maybe the worst Trump, to head up maybe the most important role in the US’s economy.

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role.

He also enjoys skiing.

Eric Trump seems a great replacement considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does” according to Donald Trump. The insults can be added to a long list of barbs made in expense of the Fed Chair including, “Mr. Too Slow” and “Greasy Hair McGee”… that last one seems uncalled for.

Trump has also gone back and forth on whether he’ll replace the chair, suggesting a nice couch or maybe even an ottoman instead. As for the head of the Federal Reserve, he has continually threatened to replace Powell, but often walked back those statements and occasionally denied seeking his replacement.

Now he’s back on the offensive and as a result trust in the dollar is suffering, The news might mean that rate cuts are more likely. But who knows. Not me, don’t ask me.

For more news on this news, click here: Powell No Longer Invited To Trump’s Birthday BBQ

Mad Money host and cursed prophet of bad takes, James ‘Jim’ Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as investor of Big Short fame, Michael Burry for years.

The Scooby Doo reveal explains Burry’s notoriously bad take two years ago when he simply tweeted, “Sell.” Since Burry’s post, the S&P 500 is up 50% but it’s now clear that this must have been the work of Cramer all along.

Burry Sell Tweet — Note the impressive realism in Cramer’s mask

When reached for comment, the real Burry is said to have responded, “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!”

What exactly James Joseph Cramer was planning to accomplish with this Mission Impossible ruse will probably always remain a mystery, known only to the madness-riddled mind of Jim ‘The Joker of Wall Street’ Cramer.

Christian Bale is tipped to reprise his role as Michael Burry in the movie adaptation of this whole saga, and Louis C.K. has said he will come out of retirement to play Jim Cramer.

At the time, Burry admitted he was wrong with the Tweet that immediately preceded one of the market’s biggest rallies, commenting, “I was wrong to say sell.” It’s unclear if he meant morally wrong, or just incorrect.

Burry Your Dead

Ironically, Burry dubbed himself ‘Casandra’ on the platform after the prophet from Greek myths, blessed to always know the future but cursed to never have anyone believe her. This time, however, it was the other way around, and thankfully, no one listened to him.

J.J. Cramer, on the other hand, is less Casandra and more ‘big-bag-of-donkey-dicks-dra’, if you’ll excuse the pun. It’s been a long-running joke in the finance world that you should always bet against Cramer’s takes, to the point that there are Inverse Cramer funds that you can invest in and we have an entire ‘Cramer’ tab on this site.

But you probably knew all that, given that you’re here, reading this far into this article. I mean, if you didn’t know the joke already when you clicked on it, then what the hell are you doing? I guess you just like masks? Bit weird.

For more garbage finance news, click here: BREAKING: Jim Cramer Says “Banks Are Fine”, Market Prepares for Collapse

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal cryptocurrency, POWCOIN in order to cash in on recent bullishness around crypto.

Just yesterday, Powell spoke to Congress and said that banks are free to conduct crypto activities.

The Fed chair reaffirmed that, “Banks get to decide who their customers are, that’s not our decision. So banks are free to provide banking services to the crypto industry, crypto companies. Banks are also free to conduct crypto activities as long as they do so in a way that is protective of safety and soundness.”

Powell might be late to the bitcoin bandwagon, but he’s reportedly now all in on the crypto hype train. He added to his previous statement that, “Banks are also free to trade $POWCOIN which drops this week! It’s going to be massive so I suggest you get in on the groundfloor, baby! POW!”

Powell Bitcoin Announcement — An unedited photograph of Powell making the announcement

Those accusing Jay of selling out will note that he is in finance; selling out is practically a part of the job description.

Powell Announces Fed Coin

Doubling down, Powell also announced that the Federal Reserve will release a tie-in coin, FED COIN ($FED). Economists predict that within the next 6 years, FED COIN will replace the gold standard.

After phasing out cash, coins, notes, checks, credit cards, emeralds, IOUs and gentlemen’s agreements, the Fed hopes that FED COIN will soon become the only currency left and the only currency worth using.

Markets have reacted to the announcements with unusual excitement, still conflating all cryptocurrencies as one. Bitcoin boosted 14000% to reach a new all-time high. $GLOOBCOIN also reached a massive high, now worth the GDP of a small island nation for just one coin.

For more on this story, go outside, smell the air. Then come back and read this: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

The artist formerly known as Twitter, ‘X’, has decided to just make everything easier for everyone by pinning the phrase ‘WW3’ to the top of their trending bar.

As users have been quick to point out, whenever anything even mildly destabilising happens across the world, ‘World War 3’ quickly jumps to the top of X’s list of most-used phrases.

Now, given the abundance of conflict and uncertainty for the future, X forsees ‘WW3’ not leaving anyone’s lips for a while and has made the sensible decision to pin the phrase to the top of the bar.

“WW3 and World War 3 have been by far the most trending topic of 2025,” explained X CEO Elon Musk. “Just this past week, Iran broke their ceasefire and Russia declared war on Venezuela, so I think WW3 is going to stay relevant until, I guess WW3 actually does happen, then maybe people will stop talking about it.”

Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook have followed suit by creating an entirely new tab just for the highly popular ‘WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!’ content.

Mr. Merriam Webster, the guy in charge of the dictionary, also named World War III as his word of 2025, even though World War III is three words, idiot. This guy thinks he knows words? Phhff.

Guess what their word for 2024 was? It was brainrot. Yeah. And here we are.

But what do you think? Do you think WW3 is really going to happen? Don’t just say what everyone else is saying. Don’t look at his answer, no, no copying, come on, I want to hear what you think, honestly. With all your knowledge of history and geopolitics and the launch ranges of nuclear ICBMs, do you think a third world war is really on the cards?

If it is, do you think it would even look like those wars from a hundred years ago?

Is the idea of the end of the world really the next logical option, or is it just an unshakeable hangover from the fearmongering propaganda that saturated media throughout the 20th century?

Are you scared?

Does throwing your hands up and calling it over make you feel more assured in your understanding of the world?

Do you think we will ever find hope again?

…We hope you enjoyed this humorous article! For more laugh-out-loud fun, please click here: BREAKING: Yes, War Still Going On

President Donald Trump is tipped to be the first recipient of the newly created ‘Nobel War Prize’, following his attacks on an Iranian nuclear facility, potentially escalating a tense situation into full-scale war.

Whilst Trump had hoped to receive the Nobel Prize for peace, he is said to be happy with this alternative.

“It’s not what we wanted, but we’ll take it, sure,” said Trump when asked about his new accolade. “I mean, war is war, peace is peace, and either way, we’re the best at it. No one does war like America. We do it well, so well. I think they were right to give us this award. We are very good at it.”

Previously, President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for some reason, and Trump is said to have coveted the award since then, working hard to achieve peace in Korea, Russia, and Canada, all in an effort to one-up his former rival.

“Some say it’s better than the peace prize, though, I don’t know about that, but war’s harder, isn’t it? I would say war is harder, so I think it’s the harder prize to win.”

The Nobel Prize Organization will award Trump the accolade in November, if the world still exists by that point.

The organization’s official statement reads, “Donald J. Trump will be the first recipient of the Nobel War Prize 2025 for his extraordinary efforts to sow global distrust and escalate tensions between peoples.”

The award seems to be in direct response to Trump’s bunker-buster-bombing of Iran’s nuclear facilities, throwing the US headfirst into a conflict that former Presidents were desperate to stay out of. Iran has vowed retaliation, although probs not in the nuclear kind now, lol.

Mere days after the attack, Pakistan said that it would nominate Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize for helping to negotiate a ceasefire with India. Read the room, guys.

For more on this story, click here: Iran Frantically Reading Art Of The Deal Ahead Of Trump Negotiations

President Donald Trump has declared war on Jeff, citing Jeff’s potential ownership of up to ten nuclear weapons.

Who precisely Jeff is and why he personally owns so many nuclear weapons remains unclear, but analysts suggest that he might be none other than Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. Bezos has been famously stockpiling Blue Origin rockets any one of which could be of the nuclear variety, who’s to say?

Jeff nukes — Technically, we all have <10 nukes. I guess there were too many names to fit on the graph, though.

“I’ve always said,” explained Trump when questioned by reporters in the Oval Office, “No one should have more than one nuclear weapon, maybe two. And this Jeff guy, whoever he is, I don’t know the guy, but I don’t think he should have nukes.”

“China has nukes, we have nukes, but Jeff? He shouldn’t have nukes. Really nasty piece of work.” Trump then went on to explain that although he does not know who exactly this ‘nuclear Jeff’ is he has declared war on him and all other Jeffs just to be sure.

This war on all Jeffs would therefore include Jeffrey Bezos, Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Bridges, Jeffrey Joseph Canderston, and even my new neighbor Jeff, who, to be fair, could be harboring nukes in his basement. I just don’t trust that guy.

Trump has said the NSA has gathered the locations of all Jeffs, Jeffreys, and Geoffs, and he will launch a preemptive nuclear strike on every single Jeff on the planet. And then just to be sure, he’ll follow it up with a drone strike. Just to be sure. Seems reasonable.

Jeff 21 Jump Street — Readers are advised to avoid saying, “My name Jeff,” for the time being.

Experts familiar with Jeff, however, point out that Jeff is perhaps more likely referring to JEFF, the Joint Evaluated Fission and Fusion File. This refers to a data library on nuclear weapons kept by the OECD Nuclear Agency (NEA). Potentially, the data for CNN’s graph was mislabeled and misattributed around 10 nukes to JEFF.

The Jeff gaff was made over a year ago and was memed back then, but recently the joke recirculated on X due to Iran’s nuclear proliferation re-entering the news.

But are we going to believe that? No. I don’t trust a Jeff as far as I can throw one, so I say, let’s nuke ‘em. Just to be sure.

For more Jeff, click here: Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth

President Donald Trump has once again extended the deadline for TikTok to be sold to an American company, citing a backlog of videos deemed “certified bangers” that “the world needs to see.”

“We’re going to extend the ban. There won’t be a ban for now,” Trump explained to reporters aboard Air Force One. “I’ve got too many videos, great videos, beautiful videos, you’re going to love them, and they’re all backed up just waiting in my drafts folder.”

“I showed them to JD, and he loves them, and he says I have to post them. But I said, JD, I can’t post them, I have to ban this CHIna app, this app from CHIna. And he said you could just post them all now, and I said, but JD, you can post them all at once, you’ll get delisted, but he doesn’t know.”

“You have to stagger them, JD. He doesn’t know about the stagger. I invented that, the stagger, I call it. You have to post daily if you want traction. You have to have traction; it’s all about the traction. So I said OK, I’ll delay. I’ll extend the deadline. It’s done. And now you will all get to see these beautiful videos. And you’re going to love them.”

Insiders close to the president have suggested that Trump’s TikToks are predominantly AI-generated videos of Trump wrestling foreign leaders and videos of “little monsters made of fruit who enjoy eating goop and slime”.

Joe Biden signed into law the bill insisting the app be sold or banned and congress still remains in support of the ban, but they would, wouldn’t they because none of them have a killer drafts folder with some top-notch AI-goop-monster vids.

During Trump’s first term, the President was apparently anti the Tok but has since u-turned on that opinion after realising that there are voters on TikTok too.

Some analysts suggest that this is another example of TACO Trump and the ban could potentially be perpetually extended indefinitely forever.

If Trump wants to be popular he should ban Facebook. Go on, do it you coward.

Trump’s extension of the ban also gives @wallstmemesofficial time to get their content off the ground because it’s just gathering dust and I know, I’ll get round to it, I’ve just got a lot on my plate and I really need more time. I NEED MORE TIME!!!

For some probably-now-very-out-of-date jokes on this story, click here: TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

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