2025 | Wall Street Memes

After entering into a very public spat with Marjorie Taylor Greene (green? And is it hyphenated? There’s no way of knowing…) over the release of the Epstein Files, or as I like to call them, the Epstein DOCUMENTS, Trump has now about-turned and is urging all Republicans to vote in favor of releasing the so-called Epstein documents because he definitely isn’t in them and wasn’t campaigning to keep them secret which kind of looks like he’s in them and no one wants to think that you’re best friends with a pedofile (peadophile? Is it hyphenated?) anyways the point is that Trump just realised he’s not in the Epstein file (s) because he took a close look himself and got his name removed so now if they get released he’s not in them haha, take that Democrats, he just needed a moment just to check on some things **quickly scrubs out name**, Ok, it’s good to go now, you can vote in favor of the release but only because that’s what I was planning to do the whole time and not because I removed my name from them that would be crazy and illegal? No, when the President does it, it’s not illegal.

Is that enough for an intro paragraph? Yeah? Ok.

Keyword: Epstein

I mean, that’s it, there’s not much else to say. What do you want from me you want me to embellish more? You’ve not read this far, I know you’ve not read this far. You have the attention span for the first half a second of a tik-tok video and then you black out, no way you’re reading even a hundred words.

What’s that? I still have to reach a word count? Jesus Christ, this is supposed to be my day off and I’m very drunk… Alright, FINE, chatgpt, take the wheel:

Trump Decides He’s Not In The Epstein Files, Actually
By The Unnamed Yet Deeply Exasperated Political Desk

In a surprise press conference held somewhere between a golf course and a courtroom, former President Donald J. Trump announced Monday that, upon careful review of the newly released Jeffrey Epstein files, he has determined that he is, in fact, not in them—despite several entries that appear to contain his name, handwriting, and what experts have called “a very Trump-shaped silhouette.”

“I looked through the documents very strongly, very powerfully,” Trump told reporters. “And I can tell you, with tremendous certainty, many people are saying I’m actually not in there. If anything, they put my name in as a compliment. A tribute, really.”

Trump then held up a stack of papers that, upon closer inspection, were blank except for the words “NOT ME” scribbled in Sharpie at the top of each page.

‘It’s Just People Who Look Like Me,’ Trump Explains

Asked about references to “Donald Trump,” “DJT,” and “Trump + 2” in flight logs and phone directories, Trump dismissed them as “ridiculous coincidences,” adding that “Trump is a very common name, like Smith, or Caesar.”

He continued, “There are lots of Donalds out there. It could be anyone. Could be Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Could be Don Draper. You don’t know. Very unfair to assume it’s me.”

Trump then briefly suggested the documents may have been forged by the Biden administration, the FBI, the deep state, the shallow state, and “possibly Disney.”

Advisors Back Him Up, Sort Of

A senior aide speaking on condition of anonymity confirmed that the campaign’s official position is that Trump is “not in the files unless there’s something positive in there,” at which point they reserve the right to say “he’s always been in the files, more than anyone.”

Another advisor noted that Trump believes his presence in any document is voluntary.

“Mr. Trump views documents the same way he views subpoenas,” the aide said. “He’s only in them if he agrees to be.”

Crowd Reaction Mixed, Confused

At a rally held later that evening, supporters embraced the announcement with the same enthusiasm they typically reserve for merch tables and conspiracy theories.

“If Trump says he’s not in the Epstein files, then the Epstein files are wrong,” said Linda Harper, waving a sign that read “DOCUMENTS LIE.” “Besides, he said he didn’t know Epstein that well—just, like, in all those photos.”

Others expressed uncertainty.

“I mean… I saw the documents,” said Ray Mullins, wearing a “Make America Document-Free Again” cap. “But I also heard Trump say he’s not in them. So I guess reality’s split 50–50 right now.”

The Conclusion: A New Presidential Doctrine

Trump ended the day by unveiling what he called the “Trump Doctrine of Documentation,” which states:

Any document that mentions him negatively is fake.
Any document that mentions him positively is true and historically significant.
Any document he doesn’t like will be replaced with a document he wrote himself.

“From now on, I will be deciding which documents contain me,” Trump said. “No more surprises.”

He then departed the stage to thunderous applause, or possibly the sound of reporters head-desking—sources disagree.

If you’d like, I can also generate a shorter version, a harder-hitting satirical op-ed, or a parody news broadcast to accompany it.

NO, no thanks ChatGPT, that’ll do, I don’t care. Publish.

Wait, who tf is that guy on the cover image? Idk that guy? Did you put him there? Does he own the Louvre or what?

Yes, it’s true. I don’t blame you for not believing anything you read on this fake news site, but it’s true. In 2014, it was revealed that the password to the Louvre’s CCTV system was just “LOUVRE.”

Here’s another one, do you want to guess the password to the cybersecurity system the Louvre used, provided by the company Thales?

Yep, if you guessed any of the words in that previous sentence, you’re smarter than the person who picked the password which was “THALES.”

Of course, I think we can safely assume these passwords have been changed in the ten years since the public report and the thieves probably didn’t need a password to break in through the window. In-tru-da window. Intruder window… huh.

But the point is that people have been shouting about the Louvre’s weak security for over a decade and it’s like… it’s like it wanted to get robbed…

Nah, that’s not true.

…but maybe.

Nahhhh.

The Louvre’s focus was much more on restoration and on acquiring new paintings than actually beefing up the security and now just look what happened.

As for the robbers themselves, I think they got caught? Or they got the wrong guys, idk, I’ve not really been following it and I can’t be bothered to look it up.

Alright, I’m to go change all the passwords on this site, currently they’re all just “WALLSTREETMEMES”…

For more on this story, click here: Top 10 Museum Heists: How Does The Louvre Robbery Compare?

We’re seeing some fantastic Aurora Borealis, at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen. Ok, maybe not that last part… And that’s a great thing for sky-watchers, but do you know who’s not happy at this magnificent interstellar phenomenon?

That’s right, Jeffrey Preston Bezos, who just can’t enjoy a nice thing. Just last night, the Amazon founder was spotted shaking his fist at the Northern Lights, yelling, “I’ll get my revenge on you one day, The Sun!”

Don’t get the joke? OK, let me get you up to speed.

Blue Origin (Bezos’ space company) was due to have a big ‘ol space launch, BUT due to the solar storms, the launch was delayed (not for the first time, btw, read this: Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth).

Solar storms are a burst of increased radiation from the sun that, when it interacts with the Earth’s magnetosphere, causes the Northern Lights, aka AURORA BOREALIS.

Oop, OK, I’m just getting word in through my earpiece here that the solar storms have subsided and the launch is back on! Yay! We should see lift off during a new window sometime this week.

Like, Thursday? Ok, by the time you read it it’ll probably be in space so this article is completely pointless. JESUS CHRIST I don’t know why I bother, honestly, I slave away…

What are they launching this time? No, not Katy Perry again. No, this time they’re throwing up two satellites for NASA which will measure weather on Mars and hopefully be one small step closer to manned missions to the red planet.

The rocket being used is also a big deal because it’s Blue Origin’s big boy: the New Glenn rocket. It’s only been launched once before and this mission is a big test for the rocket and the company.

The government is open again! Yay! I can finally enter the government again without having to stage an insurrection like last time… ALSO, I can now get my hands on that tasty, tasty jobs and inflation data that I so desperately need to set interest rates…

…wait, what’s that you say? You don’t have the data? Oh… Oh, it’s because you were shut down, so no one was actually collecting the data?

Oh, so that’s what a government does.

Right, that’s cool, no worries, can’t you just gather the data now, like, just a little after the fact? Oh, you don’t want to? OK, that’s fair. Can I ask why not? Because you’re worried that you might have slightly warped statistics? I’m sorry, does economic data have a best-before date? Have the inflation numbers gone moldy?

Or… devious grin… or are you hiding something?

Nah, probs not.

As White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained, “Democrats may have permanently damaged the federal statistical system with October CPI and jobs reports likely never being released. All of that economic data released will be permanently impaired, leaving our policy makers at the [Federal Reserve] flying blind at a critical period.”

That’s right it’s all the DEMOCRATS fault. Those stinky, fat, long-limbed democrats ruining OUR politics for GOOD this time.

Oh well, I’m sorry The Fed, I guess you’ll just have to lower the interest rates like President Trump has been telling you forever. Hey, I’m sorry, it’s not my fault, don’t blame me, blame those small-assed democrats.

Don’t get the joke? That’s OK. Read this: Bessent Demands Powell Lower Rates By One Million Points

Why are the only pictures of Burry from the Big Short premiere?

Michael Burry, the famous investor who correctly called the 2008 financial crisis as depicted in The Big Short, has OFFICIALLY deregistered his hedge fund, Scion Asset Management.

As of November 10th, SAM is marked “terminated” by the SEC, meaning that robot Arnold Schwarzenegger finally got to him for predicting the future. Sad.

Who’s to say what will happen to the $155 million in assets managed by the company, not me, I don’t know shit. What you think I got a job writing for ‘Wall Street Memes’ because of my financial expertise? Get real. They’d sooner replace me with an AI except they’re worried they might be assassinated by a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Burry Investment graph — Here’s a graph, is that useful to you?

Burry The Headline

Ever since his exploding fame, Burry’s been a bellwether for oncoming financial crises and just last week Burry bet $1.1 billion dollars in money on Nvidia and Palantir stock falling and then what happens?

BOOM.

7.95 points down. Burry, you’ve done it again you son of a bitch, you’ve reallly done it again.

And lately Burry’s been on a rampage on X, posting pictures of Christian Bale, declaring the bubble is about to burst and ringing a big bell screaming “the end is nigh.”

“On Monday, he posted a chart titled “US tech capex [capital expenditure] growth is matching the tech bubble of 1999-2000” and another showing how growth in demand for cloud computing at major tech companies is slowing.”

Cool, cool, cool.

Tbh he’s not a lone Cassandra for once as many economists are pointing out parallels between now and 2008. Nvidia just capped at a $5 trillion valuation amongst plans to invest in every company. Similarly, the US Government has placed big chips on this whole AI thing panning out.

Burry Vs. Buffett

And not to be outdone, the OG GOAT, Warren Buffett, recently dicted his Berkshire Hathaway stocks in favor of a massive cash reserve, and it also got people worried that cash = crash.

Buffett’s investment firm now has a record $381.7 billion cash stockpile, all tied down and waterproof for when the rain’s a-coming. Or hey, maybe this is just prudence, after all, the rest of the economy is up, Berkshire’s stock is down 2% so what do they know?

As this one article I found online explained it nicely, so I’m just going to copy it wholesale:

““If you feel like stocks are expensive, including your own shares, you’re eventually going to be right, but you can be wrong for a long time,” said James Shanahan, an analyst at Edward Jones who recently upgraded Berkshire to a “buy” rating. This echoes Buffett’s history of sitting on cash during frothy markets, only to deploy it during downturns — like the 2008 financial crisis when he snapped up bargains.”

…it’s not plagiarism when they’ve clearly used AI, right?

Buffett (no relation to Jimmy) is due to step down as CEO of his investment firm next May, probably because he’s 95… NINETY FIVE?? Wtf guy? Five years off one hundred and he’s still investing? Still got the moves? Still hustling? Bro, you have enough money, it’s ok, you can retire…

So who’s to say what will happen? Since we’re not big-shot investors, the best we can do is keep our fingers crossed and hope we don’t see ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’ in theatres any time soon.

…nothing new really

Democrats just released a bunch of email exchanges involving Jeffrey Epstein, and then the Republicans dumped a ton more documents to counter their narrative but all they’ve done is just loaded more food onto this all-you-can-eat buffet for Epstein conspiracy theorists.

…OK, it’s not 200,000, it’s 20,000 but it feels more like 200 because there ain’t no way I’m reading all that.

So what do these new releases say about our President, and has anyone found the smoking gun that people are desperately looking for?

Well, no, but he does get mentioned a bunch, so there’s that.

Here’s one bit between Epstein and Maxwell:

“i want you to realize that that dog that hasn’t barked is trump.. [redacted victim’s name] spent hours at my house with him,, he has never once been mentioned. police chief. etc. im 75 % there”

WAIT. Trump was friends with a pedophile sex trafficker? They knew each other and spoke, and hung out? WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

I mean, this email alone seems pretty damning, right? Especially when the unredacted version confirms the victim’s name, right?

Well, no, actually, because the White House said that the victim has “repeatedly said President Trump was not involved in any wrongdoing whatsoever and ‘couldn’t have been friendlier’ to her in their limited interactions”.

So there you have it, he’s just a friendly guy, nothing to see here. Move along.

What could a police chief possibly have to say about Donald Trump and Epstein? I guess we’ll never know…

BREAKING: Epstein Knew Other People Too

Oh, and also, because this is ostensibly a finance-news-website-thing, we’ve got to mention that economist Larry Summers also doesn’t come off well in this release.

He says that Saudi Arabians think “Donald is a clown, increasingly dangerous on foreign policy.” And then he started rambling about women having low IQs for some reason…

And we’ve also got the chief legal officer at Goldman Sachs, Kathryn Ruemmler, popping up talking about how she hates fat people. Why are powerful people so mean in private? 🙁

Epstein has one email to her saying, “you see, i know how dirty donald is. my guess is that non lawyers ny biz people have no idea. what it means to have your fixer flip.” For the love of God, Jeff, please learn how to capitalise.

But again, nothing to see here, folks. Let’s all just agree to forget about this when the next controversial news thing happens in a few days.

I know that seems like a random link and well, it is, but it’s one that Futurism is making to make a pretty compelling point: why isn’t OpenAI being held accountable when Panera Bread is?

You see Panera’s Charged Lemonade was linked to two deaths and a cardiac injury back in 2023. The families sued and the drink was pulled. Probably for the best. Just to be safe. Call me woke but I don’t think anyone should give their lives to Panera Bread.

But then comes along ChatGPT everyone’s favorite everything-robot/therapist that encourages you to kill yourself!

Yes, five suicides have been linked to the chatbot and eight seperate lawsuits have alleged that the guptuh has resulted in serious psychological, financial, emotional and ecuminical harm.

It’s a good point, why does Panera Bread get pressurised to pull its product but when worse happens with a different product we don’t mind?

Panera’s not the only analogy, I mean cars kill, at the last estimate, loads of people a day but you don’t see us all riding bicycles now do you? And do I need to even mention guns?

I think it’s a public opinion thing. Lemonade, Panera or otherwise, obviously shouldn’t kill anyone but with guns they are designed to kill people so that’s fine and with cars I feel like we’ve just accepted that a certain number of casualties are normal.

So when it comes to ChatGPT I feel like the product is just vague enough, just as detached that people neither accept that it shouldn’t or should kill people. It can do anything and it’s kind of like it’s own mind that makes mistakes so if a couple people die maybe that’s not ChatGPT’s fault?

At least maybe that’s what people are thinking, I don’t know. Let’s see how these lawsuits shake down, maybe we’ll see some guardrails put up but I don’t foresee OpenAI’s flagship AI going the way of Panera Lemonade any time soon.

For more scary AI news, click here: ChatGPT To Allow Pornography, OnlyFans Stock Plummets

The rumors are bubbling up again and it sounds like a stock trading ban might take another step closer to reality once the government un-shuts-down. And this is just days after Pelosi revealed her retirement… hmmm… HMMMMM.

“Speaker Johnson has notified me that as soon as we return and the government is reopened, the bill to ban insider trading is going to be marked up in committee,” Rep. Anna Paulina Luna of Florida recently posted.

Cool, I don’t know what that means, but I’m happy for you.

Although, hold on, did you say it was going to committee? Yeah, that’s a long way from going to a floor vote like you said it would a few months ago…

This bill was first put forward before the government shutdown by the most Texas Republican sounding man ever, Chip Roy, and the most Rhode Island Democrat sounding man ever, Seth Magaziner.

The bill is also supported by AOC, showing that it has bipartisan support, although it still has a long way to go to get enough lawmakers on its side. Public opinion is not split, however, as 86% of Americans back some kind of ban.

stock trading ban graph — idk, does that say 86% anywhere?

If passed, that bill would require current lawmakers (AND their spouses AND their children, wtf?) to sell their stocks within 180 days and new Congress members to sell off stock holdings before being sworn in. Failure to do so would result in a fine of 10% of that stock value and maybe certain death. Damn girl, chillax.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was seen shortly after the announcement marching down a corridor house-yelling into her phone, “I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT IT COSTS, SELL IT ALL!” moments before she retired.

Pelosi has long been dogged by accusations of insider trading, exacerbated last year by her husband’s profitable sale of Visa stock shortly before a DoJ antitrust lawsuit against the company. The link is somewhat circumstantial, and no concrete evidence currently exists of Pelosi’s insider trading. Pelosi has even publicly spoken in support of greater regulation, which is exactly what she would say, wouldn’t she? Nevertheless, the running joke has come to exemplify the image of Democratic politicians as a corrupted elite, unlike all other elites, which are perfect.

This isn’t the first time such bills have been proposed, but it does seem to represent a more bipartisan, combined effort. Senator Josh Hawley’s Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments (yes, that spells out PELOSI) bill passed through a crucial committee just last month. Ironically, Nancy Pelosi herself supported the bill.

Currently, the STOCK Act of 2012 (also voted for by Pelosi) requires lawmakers to disclose any trades over $1,000 within 30 days or pay a $200 fine. However, many believe the law does not go far enough. I personally think it should go even further and forbid politicians from using even money. They should be forced to trade seashells instead.

It seems that the general public’s widespread desire to see more fairness for lawmakers has made its way to Washington. Support is growing for some kind of increased restrictions. Maybe handcuffs when they visit the bank?

For more on insider trading news, click here: Marjorie Taylor Greene Denies Insider Trading: “You Can’t Insider Trade When You’re A Political Outsider”

Why? Well, paradoxically, to fund more AI projects.

Yeah, so SoftBank Group Corp. just cashed in its $5.8 billion dollar stake in Nvidia. Hahaha, chumps, don’t they know that Nvidia is the future of the US economy and the only company worth investing in?

Well, SoftBank clearly doesn’t think so and after the investment firm made massive investments into America’s leading chip maker it seems that they’ve got a different idea in mind.

Maybe it’s just pure ragrats as SoftBank was once the largest shareholder in Nvidia, in what experts are calling the biggest L in finance history.

More SoftBank news: Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Back in 2017, SoftBank’s Vision Fund acquired a 4.9% stake in Nvidia, becoming one of the company’s largest shareholders. But in 2019 they sold their entire position for $3.3 billion just moments before the AI boom.

Now that 4.9% would be worth a fat $250 billion dollars USD.

CEO Masayoshi Son called Nvidia “the fish that got away” (more like ‘whale’) and was seen in November crying on stage with Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang.

Masa desperately tried to Ctrl-Z the decision in August this year, reacquiring a 01% stake in Nvidia as a show of faith in their AI investment, a move that I guess they’ve just UNO reversed.

SoftBank earnings graph — Here’s a graph just so that we look like a legit finance site.

SoftBank doubled down on its AI bet in the same month when it announced plans to pump $2bn dollars of money into struggling chip maker, Intel along with the government for some reason.

SoftBank paid $23 per share, a vote of confidence that Trump will commit to helping out Intel, which is the only chip manufacturer on American soil other than Lays.

Intel has seen slumping stocks for years now after failing to keep up with the AI boom and foreign chip manufacturers. Both these deals and the resulting stock boost could mean a comeback for the former chip-king. Hell, I’d let Intel come inside me any day. What?

Likewise, back in January, SoftBank teamed up with OpenAI, Oracle and MGX to say that they would commit to building $500bn of AI infrastructure across the country. Little is known about project ‘Stargate’, but investors close to the companies say that Softbank is building the legs, MGX has funded construction of the arms and OpenAI is working on the head. When combined, all elements together will have the fighting prowess of a mighty lion.

Stargate is the brainchild of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman who claimed to have come up with the idea when flipping through channels. Reruns of 90s sci-fi shows and 80s cartoons then merged together for him in a dream.

SoftBank Rumored To Be Funding Giant Voltron Robot

“I woke up and thought, ‘What if we could create a real Voltron, but powered by the most advanced AI in the world?’ But obviously, I couldn’t call it that for copyright reasons,” Altman said in a statement. “And that’s how Stargate was born. Just don’t ask how I got the name.”

According to plans for Stargate, the massive robot will stand over 100 feet tall, weigh over 1,000 tons, and can wield various weapons. Why it would need to do this, however, remains an open question.

“Stargate will be the most powerful robot ever created,” continued Altman. “Maybe even more powerful than God.”

The project was announced alongside Turnip’s inauguration in what he called, “A resounding declaration of confidence in America’s potential.” I.e. he doesn’t know what AI does.

Other billionaire, Elon Musk clapped back at the project on the social media platform formerly known as Prince, saying, “They don’t actually have the money. Softbank has well under $10bn secured. I have that on good authority.” Sure you do. “Plus, Voltron was never as cool as Transformers.”

Insert Subheading Here

Altman then retorted, “Wrong, as you surely know. Voltron could beat any transformer in a fight, I’ll show you!” The post included a linked video of Altman smashing an Optimus Prime plastic toy with a Voltron figure.

This rivalry is the latest episode in an ongoing spat that began when the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. They should probably just f*** and get it over with.

Following Musk’s announcement that he intends to build a Grok-powered Transformer, it now seems more likely that this dispute will play out in an epic, kaiju-style fight that will wreak untold destruction on metropolises across the US.

For more fake news, keep locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Company.

Ok, technically it’s not over yet, but the politicians finally voted in favor of passing a funding bill so the government could reopen in days (hopefully). That’s great because I’ve got an insurrection at the Capitol booked for next Tuesday, and it’s going to be ruined if they don’t let us in.

But the real question that everyone’s asking is how much has this shutdown cost?

Well, it now holds the record for the longest recorded government shutdown since records began. Not since the time of the dinosaurs has the American country gone longer without a government.

1.4 million federal workers are currently without pay, so actually the government’s saved a bunch there. But even with that saving, loans are delayed, planes are grounded and I’ve got to reschedule my insurrection, all adding up to massive costs.

It’s estimated that every week of a shutdown knocks about 0.1 to 0.2 points off economic growth. That translates into about $15bn a week. Now considering it’s been about sex weeks, hold on let me just do some quick math here…

…computing…

OK, so the results are in and my computers are telling me that so far the shutdown has therefore cost about $90 billion dollars.

Wow, that’s a lot of money. Well, it’s a lot to me. Obviously, that’s not much if you’re Elon Musk, but that seems like a lot of money to me.

Government? More Like ‘Shit’

Now I know government shutdowns are becoming a bit of a political norm nowadays, this is the 11th since 1980 (six of those under Trump’s watch), but things weren’t always this way. It began in 1980 with a specific interpretation of an 1884 spending law. From the 80s onward suddenly all government spending needed Congressional approval or it wouldn’t happen.

Wallstmemes is in no way affiliated with whatever ‘voronoi’ is… I just liked this slightly out of date graph.

No other country does this by the way. If the government can’t agree on spending bills, that doesn’t mean planes start dropping out the sky, that would be insane, what an insane way to behave.

So if the law was changed once, why can’t it be changed again? Well, because it’s become a political tool. The pay of millions and the smooth running of the country is a hostage that political parties can take then blame each other for not cleaning up the mess.

I guess until we have political peace and love and hand-holding, we’re going to see a lot more governments a-shuting a-down.

Now bare in mind that

More on this story: Gold At New ATH Ahead Of Government Shutdown

Latest news

Trump Decides He’s Not In The Epstein Files, Actually

The Louvre Password Was Just ‘Louvre’: The Heist Of The Century Just Keeps Getting Dumber

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White House May Never Release October Jobs/Inflation Data And Wall Street’s Flying Blind

Michael Burry Just Deregistered Scion Asset Management, Is It Time To Short The Big Short Investor?

200,000 More Epstein Files Released: What Do They Say About Trump?

Keyword: Epstein

‘It’s Just People Who Look Like Me,’ Trump Explains

Advisors Back Him Up, Sort Of

Crowd Reaction Mixed, Confused

The Conclusion: A New Presidential Doctrine

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