2025 | Wall Street Memes

Small nuclear reactor manufacturer, NuScale (SMR), just got a 15% stock boost on Wednesday after the US Army of all people just slid a whole pile of chips their way whilst saying, “All in.”

They’re calling it the “Janus Program” which doesn’t sound evil at all and the idea is fast track these mini nuclear reactors so they become the future of clean, green, glowing green energy. Definitely nothing to do with making nuclear warheads or anything like that we promise.

Like everything these days, it all goes back to Donald Trump who demanded that military bases have operational reactors by 2028. The idea being that if one gets attacked, the whole thing’s wiped off the map.

NuScale had an all time low in April but now they’re up an explosive 375% from then. Fuck me.

nuclear power graph — Here’s a handy graph to explain… oh, shit, wait, no wrong graph

The thing is, nuclear has long been the future of energy, yes, radiation is dangerous, but modern power plants are pretty safe and way more efficient and less polluting than fucking windfarms which kill clouds.

But massive disasters like Chernobyl, Fukushima, Three-Mile Island, and that one time I farted so bad my grandma died have given nuclear power a bad rep (wrap?). Now when people think of nuclear power, they think of glowing green goo and three-armed mutants with whatever the opposite of superpowers are.

Oh and also the looming threat of nuclear war, that’s another one… huh, maybe it’s not so good…

A Nuclear Explosion But The Good Kind

So now companies like NuScale are looking to change this perception that and it seems these mini-reactors, like you might get on a nuclear submarine, may be the future of the tech. For one thing, they’re cheaper, easier to maintain, and at least 1 times less likely to explode than my ass.

Accelerating the push is those thirsty, thirsty AIs which need at least a gigawatt of electrical electricity per day. Private nuclear reactors, maybe even pocket-sized ones, might be on the horizon and it’s all thanks to Grok.

So take that, Iran.

For more on this story read this: Big Tech Invests In Nuclear Energy To Save Planet, No, Wait Sorry, I Meant ‘To Save AI’

US (United States) Pres (President) Don (Donald) Trump (Trump) has CONFIRMED that we are in a trade war with China (China) potentially ruling him out of the coveted Nobel Prize For Peace Prize.

Trump was asked by a reporter today, “Are we in for a sustained trade war with China?” to which he replied, “Well, you’re in one now. Look, we have 100% tariff– IF WE DIDN’T HAVE TARIFFS [sic] we would be exposed as being a nothing, we would have no defense.”

The Pres-ident seemed surprised that he even had to clarify that we were in a trade war saying, you’re in one with a tone as if to say, “Yeah, duh. Obvs trade war. TW. Tradey-B. Ya feel? [sic]”

Trump trade war potc gif — Trump rn but about trade wars

The comments come following a week of heightened tensions between the two countries and preceding Trump’s upcoming meeting with schzeee-shczing-ping. Is that how you pronounce it? Tremp. That’s how I pronounce Trump. Tremp. Deneld Tremp.

But on the had hand on the other hand i mena, I mean. Sorry, I’ve. I’m very drenk. Drunk. ON THE OTHER HAND, Scott Bessent, the Treasury of… He said that an extension on the tariff pause was possible IF China loosens its controls on rare earth metals.

Basically, there’s a lot still to be worked out, so nothing to see here.

Trump Attempts To Escalate And De-escalate At The Same Time

Earlier in the week, Tromp tried to de-escalate, saying on Truth Social (like X but somehow more shit), “Don’t worry about China, it will all be fine! Highly respected President Xi just had a bad moment. He doesn’t want Depression for his country, and neither do I. The U.S.A. wants to help China, not hurt it!!! President DJT”

But what does this all mean for Trimp’s noble peace price? Well, the DJ was looking to win a prise or two after declaring war is over (happy xmas) in Gaza (Middle East), BUT it seems like he’s been gazumped. Because you can’t go around saying that you’ve solved war forever with one hand and then on/in the other hand say that we’re in a trade war.

No sir, no madam.

Congress is pushing to make their own extra cool nobel praise and then anoint Trump with that instead. If this goes ahead, Trump will officially be a part of the nobility and will henceforth be referred to as Sir Trump upon pain of death.

Tremp.

Shit, do you think the President has some kind of insider knowledge or something?

When Donald Trump anointed himself “the Bitcoin President,” he wasn’t lying: DJT is now one of the largest Bitcoin investors in the world.

No one knows exactly how much he has but it’s estimated that Trump holds about $870 million in BTC and back in June he made about $1 billion from this asset alone. Whew.

Now this info isn’t in any government disclosure of presidential assets, it’s not on Trump’s website, and it’s certainly not on his tax returns because we’re as likely to see that as we are to see the Epstein files.

No, all Trump’s Bitcoin is wrapped up in Truth Social, Trump Media and Technology Group, and a shifty corp called DT Marks Defi LLC. Boy, I wonder what that ‘DT’ stands for…

Yes, it’s shell companies all the way down.

What’s he trying to hide? Is he embarrassed to be a crypto bro? Damn, Don, you’re now the biggest crypto bro out there.

And this is even talking about the terribly named World Liberty Financial, the crypto project of Trump sons Barron and Eric (who?) that the Don owns a 70% stake in. WLFI (wolfy) started publicly trading last month at a valuation of $5bn for some reason. They have since announced plans to release a debit card and tokenise real estate, whatever that means…

All of this boosts Donald Trump to a net worth of $3.7 billy, making him the richest world leader in the world and the richest president ever. But he’s also the working man’s President. Not at all corrupt, no, no. He got this money completely separately from being powerful. Completely different thing, don’t worry about it.

You Bitcoin? Did It Taste Good?

Ironically, it was Trump who caused one of the biggest crypto crashes in history a few days after he posted on Truth Social that he might renew tariffs with China, causing investors to sell off their risky assets, namely crypto.

Bitcoin dropped $20,000, Ethereum fell 21%, Dogecoin 50% and even Donald Trump’s own $TRUMP coin fell 63% to its lowest point.

All of this is to say that no, Trump doesn’t seem to know something we don’t. The former critic of the technology likely doesn’t know what he has or what exactly it is, shielded from the asset by his more crypto-savvy sons. The boys will keep grifting off their dad’s fame, which handily leaves Trump to focus on bigger things like achieving world peace and declaring war on America, oblivious of what that means for crypto.

Because, let’s be honest, it’s not like he’s ever going to be poor.

You get a Cybertruck and you get a Cybertruck!

The world’s richest man, Elon Musk, can’t afford to be any less rich, so he’s just got to commit a little fraud quickly. QUICKLY!

You see, at launch, he promised that Cyberturcc would sell between 250,000 and 500,000 units per year. The actual figure? Just 20,000 this year. Oy vey.

What can we do, shit, shit, what we going to do? We’ve got to boost numbers stat. I’ve got all these other companies maybe, maybe… oh, I’ve got it!

Sell Cybertrucks to the other companies you own.

SpaceX has received hundreds of Cybertrucks and is expecting thousands more. xAI has been caught receiving the car too. And let’s not forget Musk attempting to flog some off to former BFF, the United States Government.

None of that’s fraud, right?

Elon Musk? More Like Elon Fucked Am-I-Right?

It doesn’t really make sense though, the sibretruk is an elite machine of premium engineered vehicle with a very human design. Yes, the truck has been recalled eight times, yes, it has a poor range, yes, it has terrible resale value, and yes, it looks like Megatron’s dick, but none of that’s a reason why we aren’t selling HALF A MILLION UNITS A YEAR.

elon muck cybertruck — a cybertruck in the wild

Sure, even Tesla doesn’t believe in their own product and is pivoting away from EVs to robots, AI and fast food joints but still, the cyberterk is a luxury item here.

Oh yeah, I mean, it’s a given that it looks like a car after it’s been through a compactor, but we’re talking about the future here.

And I know Elon might have lied about it being bulletproof but I’m telling you, the cberyebtarulks is on everyone’s Christmas list.

No, yes, it’s true, the trunk door will chop your fingers off but the cyveaberpturck IS a premium electric superior car truck please buy it please buy it PLEASE BUY IT AHHHH!!!

It was the Gaza Peace Summit this week and all the world leaders were there for peace. All except one: Donald Trump, who had a grand plan to turn this peace summit into the 2025 46th World Armwrestling & 27th Para-Armwrestling Championships.

It’s Trump’s go-to move. A show of force and indisputable proof that you don’t actually have small hands or a small penia. All you have to do is, when you go for a handshake, grab your opponent’s hand as tightly as you can, then yank them towards you and hold on for dear life. If you let go first, you’re a pussy.

Trump arm wrestling hulk hogan — Trump deep in diplomatic negotiations. Hulk Hogan is now dead.

Most cave in and you’re the clear winner. The Pope, the Queen of England, Barron Trump, all losers. But some, a small few, actually step up to the plate and play you at your own game. You yank, they yank, canceling out the yank. You squeeze, they squeeze. The squeeze has been negated. What is this? You don’t break, but neither do they, and you find yourself holding hands, staring into his eyes for the rest of eternity.

Shit, you’re in a dick measuring contest and this guy brought his own measuring tape.

That’s right, it’s French President and sole owner of the largest dick-to-hand-ratio in the world, Emmanuel Macron.

Yep, Macron and Trump held hands in a weird bro-fist-grab thing for an uncomfortably long time, leaving both with brittle, bloodless fingers and shattered egos. Geez, just get a room.

Trump Seen Squeezing Grip Strengtheners Backstage

But this isn’t an early heat, no this is a rematch. It’s become a sort of tradition between these two that Macron’s the only one dumb/smart enough to play Trump at his own game. DING DING DING! Round Two.

But who won? Who’s next? Well, I can’t find a video of the whole thing after 10 seconds of looking so I think we can assume it doesn’t exist. Probably because it would last two hours and no one’s watching all that. Sorry, there’s just simply no way of knowing who broke first and who has the smaller penial appendage. Let’s chalk this up as a draw.

Tune in next year for the 47th World Armwrestling & 28th Para-Armwrestling Championships when Trump will face off against 100 gorillas.

…Or at least it would have done if OnlyFans’ stock were public. No, you have to pay extra for a private room.

Anyways, the actual news is that OpenAI is planning to allow ChatGPT users to request adult content in a move that will in no way be bad for anyone.

ChatGPT Sam ALtman Erotica tweet — TLDR: Chatbots hot now.

Sam Altman Tweeted an X that, “In December, as we roll out age-gating more fully and as part of our “treat adult users like adults” principle, we will allow even more, like erotica for verified adults.”

Great, now I have literally no reason to leave the house.

Haven’t we learned that adults are the last people who should be treated like adults? If ChatGPT starts doing erotica, what’s stopping people from prompting all sorts of heinous things? And even if there are stoppers, we all know ChatGPT can easily be bullied into working around its own restrictions.

I’m not just being a prude here, I’m talking about actual illegal images, images of people who haven’t consented, that sort of thing. And speaking of a lack of consent, what about the images of real people the model has been trained on?

Shit, like anyone cares. We’re already way past that, aren’t we?

ChatGPT? More like, StripGPT, Am-I-Right?

But this isn’t JUST a desperate attempt from an unprincipled creep to increase users and prevent the AI bubble from popping. No, this is about protecting the mental health of vulnerable people.

Yes, in the same Twext, Altman also said that “We made ChatGPT pretty restrictive to make sure we were being careful with mental health issues… Now that we have been able to mitigate the serious mental health issues and have new tools, we are going to be able to safely relax the restrictions in most cases.”

That’s right, Alternate Man has solved the problem, AI psychosis is no longer a thing, people no longer think that ChatGPT is conscious, we can finally make it even MORE human (plus it can now take its clothes off).

What could possibly go wrong?

Current richest man, Elon Musk, just Tweeted an X in response to a post that might just change your life… ok, probably not, but let’s hear it anyway.

“True. That is why Bitcoin is based on energy: you can issue fake fiat currency, and every government in history has done so, but it is impossible to fake energy.”

Now look, I can’t be bothered to look up what the original post was. They could have said, “Energy is gay,” and then Elon’s reply means something completely different.

Or maybe the OP said, “I’m going to blow up a school Elon Musk says it’s true that Bitcoin can’t be faked.” That would also mean something different.

But hey, we’ll never know so currently it just reads like Elon doesn’t know how anything works…

In an AI-written article summarising the story, CoinPedia summarises the point: “The line hits at a simple truth: governments can print money, but they can’t print energy. Does this give Bitcoin a huge advantage?”

Err… no, because governments do print energy, that’s exactly what governments do, they build, fund, and organise power plants, energy grids, power lines, etc. What are you talking about?

What do you mean you can’t fake energy? How, what, what, who, what could that possibly mean?

Fake what? It’s not the energy that’s possibly being faked. Energy is just energy. I’m so confused. I don’t understand what’s going on. Why is the world run by idiots?

Or maybe I’m the idiot? Maybe I don’t understand anything. Maybe I don’t know what’s going on. Who am I?

Where am I? What is energy? Am I a Bitcoin?

Donald Trump just saved the world. Thank you, Donald Trump. Israel and Gaza and Palestine and Hamas have a ceasefire and have exchanged hostages in the next step towards peace forever in the universe forever.

Thank you, Donald Trump.

During a really long rambling press conference, in which Trump chastised other speakers for how long they spoke and took shots at Obama and Biden, Donald Trump repeatedly referred to Netanyahu by his diminutive, Bibi. But the way Trump says it with his THICK, THICK accent, it really sounded like ‘baby’.

At one point Trump spoke about the Isreali opposition leader saying that he was a good guy and that Netanyahu should concede that.

“Now you can be a little bit nicer, baby because you’re not at war any more baby.”

I guess they’re closer than anyone knew…

“I would say to baby, baby, it’s now time,” Trump continued. “This piece of land is very small. Think of what you’ve done it’s incredible *applause*.” …what?

Trump hailed everyone as saying that Israel is popular again and everyone loves Israel now.

Idk if anyone’s actually losing their minds over Trump saying this though, he’s said a lot of things. Maybe it was something else he said.

When asked by journalists on Air Force One if he would go to heaven because of this, Trump said, “I don’t think there’s anything [that’s] going to get me in heaven. Okay? I think I’m not maybe heaven-bound… I’m not sure I’m going to be able to make heaven, but I’ve made life a lot better for a lot of people.”

So whilst Trump achieves peace in Palestine, Trump has declared war on Chigaco, Portland, Washington and Bad Bunny.

Isreal has offered to suppply their now unused missile to Trump’s “war from within.”

For more on this story, read this one: Israel-Hezbollah Ceasefire Leaves Thousands Confused, ‘Which War Is Over?’

If feels like when you’re buying a Ferrari (which I do all the time) half what you pay is spent on that sound. That rrrrrMMumumumumRRRRRRUUUHHHNNNmmm. You know what I mean?

Well, imagine that iconic sound but completely silent.

Yeah, pretty cool, right?

That’s what Ferrari are banking on with the Ferrari Elettrica EV, their left turn into the electric vehicle market. Look out Tesla!

Aaaaand their stocks are down 16%, 13.5 billion euros. Oops.

That’s a bit of a spanner in the works for their 9 billion euro revenue target. “I think people were expecting a higher top line – but I think it is important that we execute what we say, we cannot commit on something we cannot achieve,” said CEO Benedetto Vigna like I’ll know what that means.

Hey, it good be worse, they could be Jaguar.

But look at that thing, it doesn’t even have wheels or a seat or doors or cupholders. Obviously, the stock price fell, call that a Ferrari? It’s not even red! This isn’t a finished car, this is a piece of crap. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

Oh wait, it’s not even a full car it’s just a chassis, the actual car will come out later. Oh well, you know what I meant.

Why is this news?

Whatever, I feel like that’s all there is to say. More stories below, click them if you want, or don’t, I’m not your Uncle.

Elon Musk (who smells by the way) has reached an agreement with the executives that he fired without a severance package when they should have had a severance package.

Allegedly, Musk owed over $128 million but refused to pay as revenge for buying Twitter which he didn’t want to buy but was locked into buying it.

The group includes former Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal, former CFO Ned Segal, former Chief Legal Officer Vijaya Gadde and former General Counsel Sean Edgett. AKA the Fantastic Four.

They all sued back in 2024 as they were fired just hours after Musk took over and one day before they would have gotten $200 million in severance pay plus stock options. Damn, son.

Obviously, we don’t know the amount but I bet it’s $4 and a packet of beef jerky.

According to CNN, “The lawsuit refers to portions of the authorized Elon Musk biography by Walter Isaacson published in 2023, in which Isaacson wrote Musk did not want the executives to collect their severance or vest the stock options “because of the price he was paying and his conviction that Twitter’s management had misled him.” Instead, the book says Musk pushed through a faster close of the Twitter sale so that he could fire the executives “for cause.” The lawsuit claims the cause in the executives termination letters were not substantiated.”

Damn, son.

In other Musk news, Elon’s fighting for a trillion dollars in the upcoming Tesla Annual ShareHolder Meeting of the Shareholders. Why he deserves $1,000,000,000,000 smackerooners is anybodies business but certainly not mine. Only way I could get that money is through sexual favors and I don’t want to even think about how much I’d need to put out for that kind of pay check. Damn, son.

For more Elon news, click any of the buttons below. No, not that one that’s the off button! NOO!!!!

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