January, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

Although he literally just stepped down as Canadian Prime Minister, controversial politician Justin Trudeau has announced that he will run for the Office of the President of the United States of America in 2029.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think recently,” explained the 53-year-old has-been. “And I thought my political life was over. But then I thought, where’s the one place where it doesn’t matter where you’ve come from? The one place where being a controversial politician is actually useful? The one place where being 53 is actually really really young? That’s right. The White House.”

Although Trudeau will be ineligible to run for president as, amongst other things, he isn’t American, this doesn’t mean he can’t campaign, it would just be a bit weird. But hey, if he wants to waste his money, fine by me.

“I AM THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP,” added Trudeau even though I could have sworn he’d left. “He’s not a man he’s a monster! The only person to bring him in line will be me! ME!”

It remains unclear if Trump will even run in 2029 however as the Constitution forbids a third term but what does it know anyway? It’s just a bit of paper. And scissors beats paper.

Trudeau’s reign has been rife with controversy from corruption scandals to blackface scandals which are the worst two scandals. Since his resignation, the Canadian Liberal party has yet to announce a successor but insiders suggest they might just not bother this time.

“Do we really need a Prime Minister?” asks Kota Braly, my neighbor who happens to be Canadian and opinionated. “America doesn’t have a Prime Minister and they’re doing alright. Maybe a secondary minister, I’d settle for that, but a Prime one? Idk [sic] if that’s necessary.”

“Woah, slow down there,” oh my god, it’s Constitutional Jim, the only superhero with the same powers as a political constitution! “That’s right kids and I’m here to tell you that a political system that elects a single figurehead to power, whilst opening up an avenue for tyranny, actually can have the inverse effect of increased accountability. After all, if you can’t put a face to a political name so to speak then how would you know who to blame?”

Wow, thanks Constitutional Jim, you really cleared up that political dilemma for me. I guess my neighbor Kota is an idiot and a Canadian.

“She sure is, kid.”

Well, we sure could have done with your help when we were actually talking about constitutions rather than this later bit which isn’t as relevant.

“… Uhuh. Constitutional Jim, away!”

Alright, thanks for watching, don’t forget to like and subscribe.

Mark Zuckerberg has announced sweeping moderation changes to the social media sites Facebook, Instagram, and Facesmash in an effort to make Donald Trump like him again. The most apparent of these changes is the switch from Facebook’s iconic blue livery to a bright bold ‘MAGA’ red.

Instagram and Whatsapp will also boast a new coat of paint in a move that is definitely purely about “bringing all Meta products under the same umbrella.” Parent company Meta, however, will not be changing its colors just in case the Democrats win in 2029.

Zuckerberg announced the changes in a 14-hour long video in which he read out every new line of code for the social media sites. Among the more substantive changes Facebook will now be implementing community moderation like how X does it. The change is definitely because X’s system is better and not because Trump complained about it once.

Mr. Berg explained the changes were in an effort to “get back to our roots around freedom of speech” which is definitely what Facebook was always about.

“Comedy is legal again!” added Mr. Berg, probably. “I’ve not told any jokes ever because I was worried I’d be censored but now I can do what I want. Here’s one for you, a man walks into a bar, he buys the bar because he’s so rich and turns it into a cool hang-out spot where all his friends can come and hang out and tell jokes to each other.”

More evidence that this change is in no way politically motivated is that the change is only happening in the US.

Of Facebook taking on X’s style of moderation Elon Musk commented, “This is cool.”

Meta also plans to dismantle the so-called ‘Facebook Jail’ an actual real-life jail built off the coast of California where abusers of the platform are sent to die.

“Praise the Berg!” cried inmate Carla Ortomis as the shackles were removed and she was allowed the sunlight again. “I’m finally free! I’m going straight to Facebook to tell my friends!” Ms. Ortomis was previously jailed for child pornography.

Red CILA hats (Comedy Is Legal Again) are now available on Facebook Marketplace.

‘President Incoming’, Donald Jehovah Trump has announced his intention to buy the Gulf Of Mexico, drain it, and turn it into a golf course, the ‘Golf of Mexico’.

The news comes in light of a previous statement Trump made, “We’re going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, which has a beautiful ring.” Trump did not clarify what kind of a ring he meant but has apparently gone back on this decision. He probably thought, ‘If I’ve got the power to rename a thing, then I’ve probably got the power to drain it and turn it into a golf course.’

Engineers are already scrambling to find ways to implement the plan but Trump explained that they would simply build a wall (and Mexico would pay for it) to dam the gulf, then “drain the swamp” and build a “beautiful golf course, the best golf you’ve ever had, everyone says it will be”. Spanning thousands of miles, this would turn the area into the largest gulf course ever built.

Although Trump takes office in just a few days, it’s unlikely that he will have the power to officially change the name of anything let alone hold back the literal ocean. Technically Mexico has about 60 miles more coastline in the gulf so if they have a majority share maybe they should get to name it. Personally, I’d name it Jim.

Trump’s announcement also came amid renewed statements that he wants to buy Greenland, maybe swapping it for Puerto Rico and probably turning that into a golf course too. America has a long history of trying to nab Greenland but Greenland has not been for sale since the Vikings arrived, and even then, I think they just took it, so I’m not sure it was for sale then either. It’s unclear what Trump would rename Greenland to if he purchased it but again, my two cents, Jim’s a really nice name.

Donald Trump Jr. (no relation) is currently on holiday in Greenland which is definitely just a holiday and NOT AT ALL CONNECTED to Trump’s latest announcements.

Additionally, Trump said he wants to buy the Panama Canal, but it’s unclear if he was just saying that he wants a new hat. Ok, so that’s a lot of places he’s planning to buy there can’t possibly be- WAIT there’s more, Trump also said he wants to buy Canada and turn it into the 51st state which is something that is definitely possible, and that Canadanians are certainly happy about. Canadianian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has resigned in protest.

Many are criticizing Trump’s new shopping list but he is simply making good on his promise to run the country like he runs his businesses by solving all his financial problems with real estate purchases. So, really what did anyone expect?

This year US politicians won big at the Golden Globes with the award for ‘best comedy or musical’ being handed to the great song and dance that is the US government.

Joe Biden was in attendance to accept the award on behalf of all the hard-working politicians who work day in and day out to make us laugh.

“I’d like to thank the academy, of course,” he said in his acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank Jesus and all the honest American voters who committed voter fraud to get me in power. You know we’re entertainers, we entertain, that’s why we got into this crazy old business in the first place. And to think that we did our small part to put a smile on your faces, well that just makes it all worthwhile. Thank you. God bless.”

Donald Trump commented on the award in a Truth Social post saying, “I WAS ROBBED! THE FAILING GOLDEN GLOBES IS A DISGRACE!!!! When I’m inaugurated I will show this country the BIGGEST and BEST musical with the HIGHEST RATINGS this country has ever seen!”

Other snubs of the night included the US Postal Service which lost out on Best Sound Editing to Gladiator II and Andrew Scott who was beaten by Colin Farrell and I know that’s a controversial opinion but I’m sorry, Andrew Scott is a treasure and an icon and I feel like not enough people saw Ripley but it’s incredible, it’s slow but really moody and it just grows on you and I will fight anyone who says he didn’t deserve to win.

The Golden Globes is often seen as ‘the pre-Oscars’, AKA ‘Oscars round one’, AKA ‘the Oscars warm up’, AKA ‘not the real Oscars’, AKA ‘the Oscars but shit’ and so many of the winners will be seen as front runners for an academy award. The US Government is thus in with a very good chance to gain its first Oscar although it’s unclear in which category.

Experts speculate that the government will only be eligible for a Best Supporting Actress award. Others say that a new, pity award, category like ‘Best American Government’ will need to be created like they did for Black Panther and we all saw how that went.

With this win, Joe Biden becomes the only president to hold a coveted EGOT.

As part of Costco’s promise to sell absolutely everything, the wholesalers have started construction on an 800-apartment complex in LA. Now that’s a big BOOM!

Built above the store, the apartments will feature a gym, BOOM, basketball court, BOOM, play area, BOOM, and a rooftop pool that the developers have promised won’t drip into the bulk-buy-bargain-meats-bin. BOOOOOM!!!

The 14,000 sq ft, single-floor apartments are said to come fully furnished with a single stack of palettes and 6,000 empty cardboard boxes.

A tenancy agreement comes with unlimited soda refills and a free hotdog. Residents however are required to have a Costco membership to live there. The reverse will also be true and anyone with a Costco membership will be allowed access to the residents’ apartments to purchase any personal item of their choosing or to hang out and just vibe, you know?

Residents will also be contractually obligated to attend ‘Big Justice Breakfasts’, a daily morning meet and greet with the Costco Guys in which A.J., Big Justice and (if you’re very lucky) The Rizzler will provide tenants with, “an entertaining and energizing start to the day complete with classic Costco wit, humor, and life advice.”

Local doctors have already expressed their horror at the plans commenting, “For the love of God please don’t put an elevator in there, walking downstairs for snacks will be the only exercise these poor people will get.”

Swedish furniture company IKEA also released a statement expressing annoyance that they didn’t think of this idea first and have announced customers will now be allowed to sleep in the showroom bedrooms after closing time.

The Rizzler could not be reached for comment as his whereabouts are still unknown.

Costco’s full statement below:

“Costco is and always will be a brand that represents loyalty, trust, value, freedom, hotdogs, justice, big justice, bigger justice, and bargain deals. With all that in mind, we are proud to announce our partnership with developer Thrive Living to provide low-income housing to low-income individuals who need houses.

“Of the many houses that exist none, I repeat none, have a Costco beneath them. There is one Costco in Denver that has a small family of squatters living on the roof, but that doesn’t count obviously. No, these will be real houses, houses you can live in. Fresh, tasty houses house only a dollar fifty and if you don’t like it you don’t have to buy it, it’s as simple as that. Look, I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do but you just have to buy these Costco houses, it’s just too good a bargain to let go, it’s an offer you can’t refuse but not in a threatening way.”

“Also, you will be required to eat only Costco and purchase exclusively from Costco if you live there, did I mention that? It’s OK, we genuinely have everything you can want and in bulk too so you’ll never run out. Speaking of never running out, you won’t be able to leave. And you probably won’t be able to run anymore. Not in an ominous way, just why would you want to? It’s an offer you can’t refuse. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. AN OFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE. Hey, who’s that knocking at your door? It’s opportunity and they want you to sign over your life to me, Costco. The Costco guy. But for real.”

“Hey, you think living above a Costco is crazy? You should try living in one for six months like I did. They didn’t know I was there at first they just kept wondering where all the discounted meats were going but one day a customer mistook me for an employee and I just played along because of course I know my way to the frozen pizzas. And then I just kept it going, showing my face little by little and then I killed a guy and took his Costco uniform and then they made me employee of the month and I got promoted, and step by step I worked my way up the ladder and now I’m the goddamn CEO. Can you believe it? No, me neither. But it’s true. This event really did actually take place. And it can happen to you too if you do exactly as I say: BUY A COSTCO APARTMENT. BUY IT NOW. Alright, that’ll do, I’ve got to Cost-go take a dump…”

This weekend Wall Street Memes secured an exclusive interview with Elon Musk, however mere minutes before we began, Musk cancelled. Luckily the mysterious internet personality Adrian Dittmann messaged to say he’d happily take Elon’s place.

WSM: Good morning Mr. Mu- I mean, Dittmann.

AD: Elo- I mean, Adrian, is fine.

WSM: Alright, Elo- I mean, Adrian. Well, I had all these questions prepared for Elon Musk but I guess I’ll just think of new ones…

AD: The original questions will be fine.

WSM: Are you sure? They won’t make any sense to you.

AD: I have a sneaking suspicion that they will…

WSM: Err… OK, then… So, um, Adrian, what’s it like being the richest man in the world?

AD: Well, I wouldn’t know, because I’m not. But if I was I’d say it was pretty cool.

WSM: Haha, classic Adrian. Ok, now you’re also the CEO of SpaceX, so I’ve got a science question for you: da Laval rocket nozzles accelerate gas flow to supersonic speeds but wouldn’t an additional throat for a secondary compression create exponential speed?

AD: Oh, well, I’m just a random guy on the internet with no knowledge of rocket science but if I had to comment I would say that an additional compression would reduce exhaust velocity back to sonic rather than supersonic. So, no, there would be no additional thrust gained.

WSM: I get you now, thank you. Alright, now this question’s actually for Adrian. A lot of people have been saying you sound and talk just like Musk, you’re only online when he’s not and you share all the same interests. I was wondering if you could provide us now with irrefutable evidence that you’re not Musk.

AD: Well, you’ve never seen us in the same room together.

WSM: That’s a really good point.

AD: Alright, you got me!

WSM: No, no that’s OK, we can move on.

AD: YOU GOT ME!!! My red hands are tied! There’s egg on my face! The mask is off. Because… The truth is… And I can’t keep this secret any longer… The truth is… And this has been weighing me down for months now… The truth is… I am Iron Man.

WSM: Huh?

AD: I’m ELON! It’s me! Wait, let me turn off the voice filter… There! It’s me!

WSM: You sound the same.

AD: No, I don’t, I sound like Elon Musk.

WSM: You sound more like Adrian Dittmann to me.

AD: Yes, but we sound the same because we’re the same person.

WSM: Hmm, I don’t know, I just had a long chat with my close friend Adrian, I’m pretty sure I know what he sounds like.

AD: No, I’m ELON! I’m Elon Musk! Look I’ll turn on video.

WSM: Woah! Adrain! You look just like Elon Musk! Have you thought of becoming a celebrity impersonator?

AD: AHHHHHH!!!!

At that point, Adrian abruptly ended the call and we found ourselves banned from Twitter and on a no-fly list.

Maybe, deep down, we are all Adrian Dittmann.

We wish Adrian the best of luck in his new career as an Elon Musk impersonator.

PENSACOLA, FL: Local man Gary Siphonson, (unless you’re not local to him, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you) has made his New Year resolution to learn how to juggle for the fifth time in a row, humiliating family, friends, co-workers and Jesus.

The incident occurred on New Year’s Eve when Mr. Siphonson was involved in a light-hearted discussion concerning resolutions with family members. According to witnesses, everyone took turns to say what they would like to achieve or change or give up in the next year but when it came to Gary’s turn he stated, “Errr, I dunno. I think I’ll pick up juggling.”

“For the love of God, Gary, pick something else,” lamented sister Georgie upon hearing the news. “You’re not going to learn to juggle, you’re never going to learn to juggle. You said you were going to learn to juggle last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that. Just admit it, it’s not going to happen.”

“You haven’t touched my balls all year,” added Shannon, Gary’s wife. “I bought you those juggling balls when you first mentioned you wanted to learn and I think I saw you practicing once before you said it was too hard and threw one at the dog which really frightened him and I had to clean up the mess he made while you went and sulked in the corner. I’m starting to think twice about buying you those miniature chainsaws for Christmas.”

When encouraged to display what he had learned from five years of juggling resolutions, Mr. Siphonson stubbornly snatched up three eggs and a wine bottle, said, “Watch this,” then threw the items at the ceiling. Mr. Siphonson ducked to avoid the egg yolks and shattered glass but failed to dodge most of the debris. After a moment of silence in which everyone stared speechless at the egg-covered man, Mr. Siphonson, 46, burst into tears and ran from the room.

When reached for comment, Mr. Siphonson said, “I don’t know why anyone cares, it’s just a stupid game. I just say juggling so people stop asking, I didn’t think they would take it seriously. This is the least wonderful time of the year ever.”

It seems unlikely that next year Mr. Siphonson will take on his family’s advice and make his New Year’s resolution to think up an original New Year’s resolution.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has announced he will be deactivating a hidden ‘New Year’s Fireworks Mode’ in the next Cybertruck update after one model exploded in front of a Trump hotel in Las Vegas.

Reportedly the secret feature is installed on all Cybertrucks and according to a redacted early version of the user manual, the mode triggers “a fun show for all family and friends (single use only).”

Tesla has released a statement saying, “We’re just happy it wasn’t the battery that exploded this time.” They went on to explain that they put the feature in as a joke but never expected anyone to actually find the mode. The feature can only be accessed by ‘jailbreaking’ the truck to access the code itself and once accessed, the user must say, “Go-go Cybertruck: fireworks” to initiate the display.

As a final failsafe the fireworks were programmed to only go off at midnight on New Year’s Eve and when parked in front of a Trump property.

This user happened to meet all these criteria but due to a malfunction, the show was delayed and went up on the morning of New Year’s Day. Tesla is investigating the cause of this malfunction.

The explosion injured seven and killed the driver so ironically there is no cause for celebration.

In light of the recent news, Jaguar has announced they will no longer be going ahead with their long-rumored, ‘Pride Celebration Mode’ in which their new Type 00 vehicle emits a watery mist over the headlights to create a beautiful rainbow. “It wouldn’t be appropriate now,” said a spokesperson.

Elon Musk (AKA Kekius Maximus, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA the world’s richest man so far) has apologized for creating the mode and said he is working with law enforcement to discover the perpetrator of this heinous crime and bring them to justice. Musk did however add that it was because of the truck’s durability and strength that the blast was directed upward and not sideways into the Trump hotel itself.

Elon posted to X (the website that he owns), “The evil knuckleheads picked the wrong vehicle for a terrorist attack. Cybertruck actually contained the explosion and directed the blast upwards. Not even the glass doors of the lobby were broken.” Weird flex, but OK.

For more cybertruck and firework news, keep it locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Com.

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