Month: July 2025

President Donald Trump (and not a spokesperson from the Coca-Cola Company) has announced that Coke sodas will no longer contain corn syrup but will instead use the much healthier alternative: cocaine.

Previously, United States Health Secretary Robert Francis “F.” Kennedy Jr. Jr. the 3rd… what was I talking about… oh, yeah, RFK (that’s easier to say) has spoken out against the health issues associated with corn syrup, the primary sweetener in Coca-Cola.

It’s corn!

It seems Trump was listening… Our glorious leader swiftly announced before the company could that Coke will switch out corn for coke’s original ingredient: coke.

How Trump got hold of the super secret Coca-Cola recipe with killing someone or becoming the President remains to be seen, but gears are already in motion and reportedly, Coka-Cola will rebrand the re-recipied drink as ‘Original Original Coke’.

Coke has officially responded by saying, “We appreciate President Trump’s enthusiasm for our iconic Coca-Cola brand. More details on new innovative offerings within our Coca-Cola product range will be shared soon.” …so that’s a no then?

Die-et Coca-Cola

Trump is famous for being a regular Coke-a-cola enjoyer, with a big red button on his desk to summon a Diet Coke, right beside the nuclear launch button. Biden previously had this button call for ice cream, the commie.

The Don’s coke addition was such a concern that speculators have speculated that his Cokes might have already been spiked with coke, and now he just wants to share his teeth-grinding enthusiasm with the whole world.

It’s possible that RFK’s worry might have been entirely motivated by Trump’s health and not the health of the nation.

This might be a premature win for the President, since this new coke might be the new New Coke, which everyone hated, apparently. But hey, it contains cocaine. How could people possibly hate it?

Mexico has cane sugar Coke. They export it to America, so maybe, idk, maybe this is just all a big plan to cut out another import and make sure Coca-Cola is homegrown on American soil using genuine Mexican laborers just as the founding fathers intended.

Make Coke Great Again (McGA)!!

For more snack food news (we have a lot, weirdly), click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced