2025 | Wall Street Memes

Supposed Vice-President Johnathan ‘Deere’ Vance was finally found this week after a nationwide manhunt. The famed author of Netflix’s 2020 hit movie ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ starring Amy Adams, Glenn Close, Gabriel Basso as a significantly hotter JD Vance and INTRODUCING Owen Asztalos as a young, also hotter, J.D. Vance, wait… Where was I?

Oh yeah, the famed author and politician J (d) Vance has been conspicuously absent from Donald ‘don’t call it a comeback’ Trup’s nascent 2nd presidency. Many feared for the Vice President’s life however they just don’t understand the role of VP which is to be invisible and do nothing until you have to do a surprise last-minute campaign for president and then no one knows who you are and you lose because nobody knows who you are but also you’re a woman, wait…

Where was I? Oh yeah. SO, following Elon’s bright light outshining the real VP, J.D.’s family filed a missing person report and a month-long manhunt began. Thankfully Mr. Vance was found living safe and sound living under a large boulder in the woods in his home state of Appalachia.

When confronted by authorities eager to return him to the White House, a dirt-covered Vance reportedly hissed and spat, then howled for his wolf brothers to protect him. The wolves descended and 56 emergency service workers were killed in the ensuing battle.

Just before being mauled to death, one reporter was able to ask Vance’s opinion about Trump’s proposed purchase of Gaza to which Vance replied, “No comment.”

“JD’s a good guy, tough cookie,” said Trunmp in response to the wolf attacks. “Sure, he’s a creature of the woods, a ‘manwolf’ they’re calling him. Great VP, doesn’t get in the way.”

A recent survey showed that millions of Americans now feel cheated for even bothering to watch the VP TV debate.

One concerned citizen had this to say, “If I’d known the VP would just go and live in the woods, I would have voted for Tim Walz.”

For now, Vance will remain in the woods until this whole ‘Trump’ ‘Presidency’ thing blows over. Until then, well, I don’t know about you but he’s certainly dead to me.

RIP VP JD.

The fate of the unfortunately named, United States Agency for International Development (USAID) remains in the balance however quadillionaire Elon Musk has come out in opposition to the department Tweeting, “I don’t think anyone should have AIDS.”

“Call me old fashioned,” the SpaceX CEO continued, “but I think AIDS is bad and I don’t think there should be a whole government department devoted to giving it to people. I think they should give people money instead.”

Confusing the answer to whether Musk even has the power to do this, Trump seemed a bit more teachy-peechy (that’s a phrase right?). “We’re getting them out and then we’ll make a decision.”

Whereas Musk said, “We’re shutting it down.”

But Trump said, “We’ll see.”

But then Musk said, “No, it’s done.”

“Maybe.”

“…not.”

“OK, back in your box ELan.”

“No, I don’t want want to go back in the box.”

“Back in your box.”

“Naaaahhhoooo!!”

Elon Musk and his embarrassingly named DOGE have been on a mission to cut government spending. With an office in DC and 20-something employees of 20-somethings, Musk has been on the offensive left right, and center doing things that everyone’s really not sure is legal…

Ironically USAID actually provides money to various HIV/AIDS prevention organizations so getting rid of AIDS might actually bring about more AIDS. …AIDS.

USAID staff have been sent home and some employees have been locked out of their emails which explains why Janice isn’t responding to me even though I sent her like a dozen emails and even texted her to say she should make sure to check her junk mail.

The USAID could not be reached for comment. You know, probably because of what I just said…

Also, their website is down.

Two directors at the agency were put on administrative leave after refusing DOGE access to sensitive payment information. Look, I’m not a legal political expert by any stretch of anything but idk if a private citizen should have access to government documents. Like, what’s even going on here? I guess they’re like it’s fine, we don’t need to jump through the bureaucratic hoops because that’s what slows things down we’re cool and techy, move fast break things, we’re outsiders and we’re cool, but aren’t those rules there for a reason? Like, maybe Musk and gang should be properly vetted and stuff? Or voted in? Or something? I don’t know, if an expert in this can weigh in in the comment section that would be great thanks.

Anyway, what was I talking about? AIDS?

I tell you what would AID me, is a break from all this! Jebus-Louibus, man I can’t keep up with it anymore! All the news! There’s too much news I tell ya!

Continuing the expansion of the Trump real estate empire, the ‘yes-it’s-only-been-two-weeks-President’ Donald Trump has announced a new golf course in the Gaza Strip.

The new course will add to Trump’s latest property developments in Greenland and the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry, ‘Gulf of America’, sorry, ‘Golf of America’.

What precisely will happen to the 2 million people who don’t want to live on a golf course? Well, you know, maybe they could, I dunno, do you have any ideas?

“You know Gaza’s interesting,” Trump previously said explaining his plans for the territory, “It’s a phenomenal location, on the sea, best weather, you know everything’s good, some beautiful things could be done with it.” The President stopped short of saying, those ‘things’ were a big ol’ golf course.

The America First President intent on slashing government explained his planned new purchase recently at a press conference with Benji Netenyahoo, “The US will take over the Gaza Strip and we’ll do a job with it too.” What, ‘a job’? What does that MEAN? “We’ll own it and be responsible for dismantling all the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site.” Ok, I guess that clears things up.

So the plan is, in response to a terrorist attack, America is going to go in and take control of a Middle Eastern country under the pretense of disabling weapons…

…Those who repeat history are doomed to learn a lesson from it, or something like that.

Not-America Unhappy With Trump Plan

Countries across the world and beyond have condemned the plan as “bad”. But to be fair though, Kamala Harris would have done a way worse job, so I don’t think they’re allowed to complain actually.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was one of the few leaders not to condemn the announcement, saying, “Heheheeh, now you see! Taking a place just because you want it is not such a bad thing!”

What does this mean for the ceasefire I hear you ask? Well, that’s… That’s also a question. Hey, maybe both sides really want a golf course. Oh, you did? And they don’t? Ok, well, then let’s not ask them.

Experts Weigh In

Political commentator and Palestinian-Israeli relations expert, ‘Douglas ‘n’ Texas’ (@douglasntexas) weighed in on the complex issue with a simple three-step plan:

“MGGA: Make Gaza Great Again. Although I am not sure it ever was great. However, an end to the violence over there would be a nice change for the people of Gaza and Israel. Step 1: Get rid of the Muslim extremist twisting up the religion for their own personal profit. Step 2: Educate their women. Step 3: Educate their children.” (Punctuation added for clarity)

Problem solved, thanks Doug.

Trump fan and Middle Eastern politics expert — ‘Douglas In Texas’, the man (and definitely not an AI bot) who solved the Palestine-Israel war

It’s Trade-War Tuesdays at Trump Tower, or as lay people might describe it, ‘family board game night’. For the Trumps there’s only one board game in town and that’s the king of cutthroat capitalistic conniving. No, not Monopoly, the Trumps only play Catan.

The classic German trading game is only 4-player, but you know the Trumps forked out for the 6-player expansion long ago. Obviously, that’s still not enough for the whole gang, Donald, Melania, Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eris, Tiffany, and Barron (not a real baron) so normally they just don’t invite Tiffany.

Trump Catan Tweet — Donald Trump has been a Catan fan since before X was X

But this week, Tiffany is now a welcome guest because, for the first time, Donald Trump has been barred from his own family Catan night.

It all began last Tuesday when Melania was in desperate need of sheep but her only source was her loving husband. Melania needed just three more sheep to give her the resources to upgrade her towns to cities and earn enough victory points to win the game. Donald knew this and as the sole producer of sheep, he held all the cards… sheep cards.

Trump Remains Sheepish On Trade

Trump refused point blank to trade. No matter how persuasive Melania’s puppy eyes were, Trump would not cave. This significantly soured the mood of the normally jovial game. Don Jr., who also needed sheep (not to build anything, just because he likes sheep) was also iced out. The rest of the children didn’t really need sheep and just wanted an excuse to talk to Dad. But all they could get out of him for the rest of the game was an angry, ‘no’.

Things took another turn when Eric pointed out that this way, no one would win. In fact, Donald still needed the brick resource to complete his longest road. The only way for everyone to get along and for the game to continue would be if they all started trading again. This was met with another curt ‘no’ and a threat to build a wall around Eric’s tiles.

Eventually, Melania caved. She gave Donald the brick he needed, but at the much lower trade of just one sheep. Melania could not complete her cities. Donald, however, was able to smugly steam ahead with his longest road, a beautiful road, and win the game.

And THAT is why, Donald has been barred from all future family Trump Tower Catan nights. So, who’s the real winner here, hmm?

Following four hypothermia-related fatalities at this year’s Grammys, the Recording Academy has announced that they will be implementing a strict dress code for next year’s award ceremony.

“We are devoted to the promotion and appreciation of music in all its forms,” said the organization in a statement. “And whilst expressive fashion always has been a vital part of the music industry, we will no longer tolerate costumes that make a mockery of our art form, specifically weird foam-house-hat-things. I’m sorry, Jaden Smith, you just took it too far and have ruined it for everyone.”

Kanye West and his ironically-named wife Bianca Censori successfully made headlines after she took to the red carpet in a near-invisible dress. Whilst many thought that it was this outfit and the following deaths that sparked the Grammys’ new dress code, the academy made no mention of Censori’s outfit and is apparently only upset by Jaden Smith’s house hat.

According to the new dress code, all attendees, including performers, presenters, and guests, must adhere to the following guidelines:

All clothing must cover a majority of the body, and may not be shaped like a house in any way.
No sheer, transparent or house-like fabrics are allowed.
All outfits must be free of any offensive or controversial imagery, such as houses.
No costumes, props or hat houses are permitted.
Jaden Smith is permanently banned from the ceremony.

“I don’t know why I can’t wear my house,” said Smith in response. “It’s not my fault I’m agoraphobic.”

The Recording Academy has stated that these guidelines are necessary to maintain the dignity and prestige of the 100% prestigious and entirely dignified Grammeter Awards. They also hope that the new dress code will help to focus attention on the music and performances rather than on the attendees’ stupid attire.

However, the new dress code has been met with mixed reactions from the music industry. Some artists have praised the Recording Academy for taking a stand against inappropriate house attire, while others have criticized the move as being too restrictive and out of touch with the creative spirit of the music industry.

“What’s next they going to ban house music? Where does it end?” commented famed music producer Mr. … oh, no, wait, that was just some guy, never mind.

Oh, and also, Beyoncé won a Grammy so good for her, I guess.

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to.

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures.

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

BREAKING NEWS! Donald Trump has announced that his recent announcement that he announced that he would be announcing a $250m spending increase in crypto projects through his Trump Media company was in fact an ACCIDENT. Reportedly Donalt Rump began expressing interest last Thursday in, “living forever”, but got confused with the words for things and now owns a LOT of memecoins instead.

“I’m what, 78 now? They say I’m young for 78, but I’m 78 now and that’s not young,” Trup said to staffers in a now leaked audio recording. “I’m fit sure, but 78, that’s getting on. Andrew Jackson, how old was he when he died? Makes you wonder. I’ve been hearing there’s ways. There’s ways they say that a man of 60… 70… ways that he can be like a 20-year-old. I’ve heard it’s freezing, I’d like to freeze things, everything should be frozen, maybe.”

It was these comments that are said to have prompted the implementation of the federal budget freeze but Trunip continued, “They call it, what do they call it, crypto? You say it’s cryo? No, I’m pretty sure it’s called crypto. Everyone’s talking about it. I’m surprised we’re not investing in that. I mean, if you’re going to live forever, means the business will be around for a long, long time.”

“They say there’s one company, just one, Ethereum. They’re the ones that are the big time. They make you ethereal, that’s what they say, Etherum makes you ethereal, so you can live forever. They freeze you and then you’re ethereal. We should buy that. Bring me some eth. I want that. I want to be cryptogenically frozen.”

The president then instructed staffers to invest $250 million dollars in crypto citing his wish to “live forever”. When corrected, Rrumpt doubled down and said, that he definitely wanted to invest in crypto and that he knows what he’s talking about.

Now a statement from Trump Media made the purchase in error due to a misunderstanding. Witnesses close to the president said he was “apoplectic” when it was revealed that he now owned $250m in shitcoin rather than being immortal.

Barron Trump could not be reached for comment.

The President-that-ever-was Donald Jay Trump has ordered a federal spending freeze throwing government programs into question. Some are important, sure, but none are more important than Melania Trump’s Christmas budget.

Yes, next Christmas is still 13 months away. Yes, last Christmas was only 4 months ago. But who’s counting? Not me. Xmas prep begins now. NOW. So Melania’s already got budgets to make and ribbons to tie and who’s going to pay for those ribbons now, you? Are you going to fork out your hard-earned cash for Billionaire Melania’s ribbons? Well, you should, because it’s your tax dollars at work.

How are your tax dollars going to work if Melania can’t get her ribbons, huh?

Melania’s Christmas budget is a matter of national importance to Melania and me. With the government spending freeze in place, it is unclear how much money will be available for the First Lady’s holiday decorations and festivities! Some (me) argue that the spending freeze should not apply to the Christmas budget, as it is a tradition that brings joy to many people but mostly me. Others argue that the spending freeze should be applied across the board, and that the First Lady should not be exempt.

Oh, wait, news just in. A federal judge has blocked Trump’s spending freeze! Oh frabjous day! Quickly Melania! Buy the ribbons! BUY ALL THE RIBBONS! QUICKLY BEFORE THE SPENDING FREEZE COMES BACK! Here, put them in my bag, no, you don’t need to sort them by color there’s no time! Faster, get them in! OK, is that all of them? No, leave, those ones, those ribbons are dead to me, there’s no time!!

Get in the car, GET IN THE CAR MELANIA! The freeze is coming, it’s coming back!! Ok, now drive, DRIVE MELANIA! Quickly, to the White House! We have to get these ribbons back to the White House in time for Christmas!

Ok, we’ve made it back to the White House, Melania. The freeze is still frozen so we have time to buy more things, you order trees, I’ll buy icicles. I don’t know, just as many trees as you can order. Yes, all red trees, why not? QUICKLY MELANIA THE FREEZE!!

Watch this space for updates on this developing story.

Oh, wait, nevermind they revoked it. MELANIA THEY REVOKED IT IT’S FINE!

LA, CAL – A local man whose unusual job postings went viral this week says he was ultimately unsuccessful at filling the vacant helicopter pilot position.

A man known only as ‘Jose’ is said to be behind the large-scale messages written with discarded timber and other construction materials, most of which simply read, “Help”. Jose said he would have written the rest of the message but didn’t have enough wood to write, “Help, experienced helicopter pilot wanted for an exciting opportunity with a competitive salary!” Jose’s hope was to attract the attention of local helicopter pilots flying overhead and they would be encouraged to apply.

Unfortunately, since the advertisement was only visible from a high altitude, the writing was only spotted when photographed on Google Maps. These images went viral and amateur internet sleuths descended, incorrectly speculating that this call for ‘help’ was, in fact, a cry for ‘help’.

The most common interpretation was that this was a victim of human trafficking who sought to escape their captor without detection by using the inconspicuous messaging system of giant wooden words. Others assumed this was the work of a stranded alien trying to hitch a lift from any passing mothership. Some even believed this was a rehearsal space for Tom Hanks to get into character for ‘Cast Away 2’.

Other words written by Jose on the same Los Angeles construction lot added speculation to the conspiracy theories. But Jose insists that words like, “LAPD, FBI, and Terrorismo” were also innocent adverts for police officers, FBI agents, and terrorists. “I run a busy recruitment agency, OK?” said Jose in a statement.

These conspiracy theories clogged up the comment sections and message boards so that actual helicopter pilots were unable to see the advert for what it really was and Jose remained helicopter-pilot-less.

It remains unclear why Jose wanted a helicopter pilot in the first place but I think it’s safe to say it was probably to help him escape human trafficking.

Kung Hei Fat Choi! Or for those of you who don’t speak Spanish, Happy Chinese New Year! Famously, China celebrates New Year’s Day on a different date to America which means that China is technically living in the future. Or the past. I don’t know. Something about time zones, or the moon or my clock batteries running out, idk, look it up.

Anyway, 2025 (plus and minus a month or so) is officially the year of the snake which China insists is just a coincidence and is in no way a political comment.

However, this has not stopped Trump from thinking everything is about him and calling the name change a personal attack.

Writing on Elon Musk’s ‘Truth Social’ social media platform, Trump Tweeted, “LAME brain CHIEna has no respect for AMERICA! Xi Jinping declares this the year of the snake, a clear attack at me and my wife MELANIA!!!! I AM NOT A SNAKE IF ANYTHING I AM A LION OR AN EAGLE KAKAWWW!!!!!!!! ChIEna must change this year to year of the EAGLE or I will increase tariffs on ChIEnese products 100000%%%!!!!!”

Trump then signed an executive order officially renaming this year ‘the Year of the Eagle’. This means that all government calendars, clocks, documentation and reports will now refer to 2025 as the year of the eagle instead.

To demonstrate, the years will now proceed as so: 2020, 2021, 2023, 2024, The Year Of The Eagle!, 2026, 2027 and so on…

It’s unclear how purely numerical clocks and calendars will adjust to the change but hey, it’s done now so, what can you do?

China has not dignified the change with a response.

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JD Vance Discovered Living Under Rock For A Month

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