2025 | Wall Street Memes

Yeah, we’re probably not getting that future you imagined with flying cars, jetpacks and infinite ice cream any time soon…

During a rehearsal for a Chinese airshow last week, two flying cars crashed into each other after one of them didn’t use its flying turn signals correctly at a flying stop sign.

One car caught fire, and a pilot was injured, so actually, you’re not allowed to make jokes about this.

Damn, only two flying cars in the whole world, and somehow they crashed into each other? What are the odds?

This reminds me of how in 1895 there were only two cars in the whole state of Ohio and SOMEHOW they crashed into each o… oh, oh wait I’ve just looked it up and apparently that never happened.

Well, either way, this real story is 100% what someone would come up with if they were asked to think of a sci-fi version of the same story. “In 2025, there were only two flying cars in the whole state of China and SOMEHOW they crashed into each other. Lol.”

The crash could be the biggest setback for flying cars since someone cut together all that old-timey footage of people peddling bicycles with flapping wings off cliffs. That’s great news for people with a fear of flying, but bad news for Elon Musk, who had a whole 5-year plan set out to turn the world into an episode of The Jetsons.

Year One: Tesla’s self-driving electric cars become the only form of transportation.

Year Two: Tesla’s self-driving electric cars reveal a secret rocket booster underneath that they had hidden the whole time and then they take off and then they fly and then it’s super cool.

Year Three: With the profits from the flying cars, give everyone jetpacks.

Year Four: Self-drive all the illegal immigrants in their flying cars and jetpacks out of America and up to Mars.

Year Five: Having solved all of America’s problems, they will have to make me the President of the United States of America.

Unfortunately the Tesla CEO will be forced to rip up this crayon-doodled napkin and start again.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, flying car crash.

For more news that sounds like science fiction but is 100% true, click here: Katy Perry Struggling To Readjust To Life On Earth, “Space Is My True Home Now”

Yeah, we’re due for a crash.

According to Reuters and literally anyone you ask on the street, the housing market is as unaffordable as it’s ever been.

Things aren’t changing soon either with that Reuters report saying that rates are slowing other rates so the rate of those rates returning aren’t highly rated.

Here, take a look for yourself: “Persistent supply shortages and stretched affordability have kept most first-time buyers on the sidelines with existing homeowners reluctant to sell properties financed at mortgage rates below 4%, further choking activity,” they said.

Phhhhtttffff, not sure what to do about that then. I mean, I’m happy with my cardboard box for now, yeah, my landlord’s shit and refuses to demould my flaps but what do you expect for $2000 a month?

House prices are expected to go up by 2.1% this year and just 1.3% next year which you know are real numbers because they have a decimal in them.

Oh that reminds me of some other dire house-financial news from back in June, I feel like I can just recycle that to up the word count here, right? No one’s actually reading these right? Ok, here it is:

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

Woke ice cream manufacturer ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ will soon be dropping the iconic ‘Jerry’ part after woke co-founder Jerry Greenfield quit the company over some woke BS.

“It’s woke or broke,” quipped my dad in reaction to the news, and I thought that was pretty funny, so I said I’d write it into the article and give him a shout-out.

The company initially planned to rename the famed ice cream brand just ‘Ben’s’ but that was already taken by ‘Uncle Ben’s’, which rebranded a few years ago to just ‘Ben’s’ because the word ‘uncle’ is racist now.

Ben & Jerry’s? More Like Peanutbutter And Jelly

This all began when jerry and ben sold the ‘Sloppy BJ Cream Corp’ to Unilever in 2000 but insisted that they would be able to stay woke. (BJs have always been woke, they love the gays etc.)

BUT Unilever reneged on this promise in 2021 when B&J refused to sell in Israeli-occupied Palestine, prompting backlash from BJ-cream-hungry Israelis and Unilever said that was one woke too far.

BJ then sued Unilever last year for stopping them from posting pro-Palestine-abortion-climate-change-universal-healthcare-anti-trump online messages and then also Unilever fired a CEO for progressive comments. Allegedly. Please don’t fire me.

Magnum is being spun off from Unilever anyways so BJ asked last week if, whilst they’re spinning anyways they could just spin a little more and spin off a BJ too. But it’s too late BJ, you already sold your soul and you should have foreseen these exact circumstances happening 25 years later.

It’s unclear what Jerry will do next with his newfound free time but will potentially start his own rival ice cream business called, “Not Ben, Just Jerry’s” with no ice cream and just the cookie dough. AKA: a license to print money.

For more food/politics news, read this one: Coca-Cola To Change Recipe Back To Cocaine, Trump Takes Credit

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Wow, surprise, surprise! It’s almost like this whole article, this whole website, in fact, is just an extended advert for an online casino. Oh, you thought we were just here to make funny news satire finance article story parodies? You think anyone’s actually paying for that kind of stuff? Oh my poor, poor, innocent fool. It’s all just an ad. That’s all it’s ever been.

Hey, you know what, you’ve sat patiently through this extended ad, why don’t have have a real joke article, on the house: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

The United States Federal Reserve Of Money (USFROM) finally bowed to mounting pressure and cut interest rates for the first time since December 2024. Rates are now between 4% and 4.25%. Damn, so nearly blazed it.

There was a nine-month pause in rate cuts while the Fed waited for the dust to settle on Trump’s new economic policies. But the dust has never really settled, and banks have been getting impatient, so the Fed just went ahead anyway.

Trump has long been publicly unhappy about the delay, pushing for a rate cut to signal confidence in his leadership. Rather than taking steps to encourage confidence in his leadership, Trump resorted to threats and bullying, neither of which worked… until now, maybe?

Just A Little Bit Off The Top, Please

This is such a tepid reduction, it’s hardly a seal of approval. Merely a “risk management cut”, as Fed Chairman Jerome Powell described it. Beyond that, “It’s not incredibly obvious what to do.” A great thing to hear from the guy in charge.

JP said there could be more cuts to come, with one penciled in for later this year, hinting at a bullish future for the markets. But that’s just a hint.

Jay-Dog went on to say, “We have to live life looking through the windshield rather than the rearview mirror,” while stroking his long beard and becoming one with the universe.

There’s A Mole On The Inside

Not everyone stepped in line with Jay-Jay’s decision. One dissenter pushed for a bigger cut of a MASSIVE half-point cut. Oh, I wonder who that could have been? Oh, look, it’s the Trump-appointed Fed Governor Stephen Miran, sworn in just before the meeting. Surprise. SURPRISE.

Jeromey called the labor market one of “Low hiring and low firing,” but that’s coming from a man desperate to not get fired so I’m not sure how much I buy it.

“The concern is that if you start to see layoffs, there won’t be a lot of hiring going on,” he explained. So that’s a big reason for the cut, get unemployment back up without destabilizing prices.

Man, rock and hard place.

We’ll be monitoring this story closer ad not just because I’ve got money riding on this. Watch this space.

For more on this story, read this one: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Turns out cops really do like donuts…

Where do you think this story starts? Where do you think the most likely place for a discussion on Krispy Kreme (pronounced ‘crispy creams’) donuts is? If you guessed “during a House Judiciary Committee meeting on the Epstein files,” congratulations, 11.5 points to you.

For some reason, FBI Director Kash Patel was asked during his testimony on Epstein about buying individual stocks like ON Semiconductor (ON) and Krispy Kreme (DNUT) (no, really).

Patel explained that, “Generally speaking, before I got this job, I was trading stocks, but not a lot like most people. I just follow certain industries, and I thought they would be a good investment.”

Translation: “Me likey donuts.”

Krispy Kreme economics — ‘Donut Economics’ explained… wait, this has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, where did you find this graphic?

Kash’s Krispy Kreme glazing was enough for the donut shop stocks to soar 11.5%. Turns out, though, just like a donut, this was a hollow rally. The end of the day erased all gains, leaving the index just 0.96% higher than before. So yeah, probably not a big insider trading conspiracy.

This isn’t the first rally this year for the North-Carolinian company. In July shares got an extra filling of 26.7% seemingly from a meme-stock rally. Overall however, shares are down 68% this year, so never mind.

But for Kash this has been a savvy investment. He put in between $15,000 to $50,000 into the company in May and since then stocks have climbed 15%.

Nice one, Kash.

‘Krispy Kreme’? More like ‘Krispy Insider Trading’

Similarly his $50,000-$100,000 in ON have gone up 12%. Shit, this guy’s in the wrong career and not just because he’s a bad FBI director.

This Krispy bump is just another example of this current era of meme stocks and hype ruling the markets. As Steve Sosnick, from Interactive Brokers explains: “It’s emblematic of the approach that a lot of speculators have to the market and how they will jump on any piece of positive-sounding news and how that can create self-fulfilling rallies, at least in the short term.”

“The reaction just shows you the level of froth in the market… the rally basically faded almost as quickly as it started, because it was based really on not much… There’s a difference between investing and just sort of chasing stories, and this falls into the latter.”

So let that be a lesson to you.

For more stock news, read this one: After Failure Of ‘Up’ And ‘Down’, Trump To Trial Secret ‘Third Direction’ For Markets

An activist investor on the Tesla board proposed a vote to forbid leadership from making political statements, endorsements, and contributions, but it was shot down by the rest of the board after they ran crying to mom (the Securities Exchange Commission).

The SEC ruled that the board didn’t have to bring the vote to investors, which is great because does Tesla know who their boss is? Boy, that could have been awkward.

The proposer of the vote, Jay Butera, said that he didn’t want to see Tesla, “Jeopardized by unnecessary forays into the endless friction of human politics.” As opposed to what other kind of politics? What is he, an alien? “The Tesla brand, and its mission, should stay above that fray.”

Butera is, of course, alluding to their noble and glorious leader, Elon Musk, whose recent foray into the endless friction of human politics has left the Tesla brand irreparably dragged into the fray. Tesla stock took some hits way back when he decided to staple himself to President Donald Trump. Then it took some more hits when he decided to rip himself away from Trump and form his own political party? What, why?

Yeah, definitely the sort of thing that an electric car company CEO should be up to.

So Butera’s proposal might have been savvy but what are you going to do? Piss off the guy who invented electricity? The guy you just gave a trillion dollars to? No, bad idea.

Either way, Tesla’s a public company and right or wrong, the SEC called the move an attempt by the board to micromanage the company through investor votes. So maybe fair’s fair.

“Calling the proposal ‘micro-management’ seems ironic because my proposal was trying to address a nearly existential problem for the company,” said Butera. Oh, shit, that’s a good point too. Ok, well now I don’t know what to believe. Boy, this whole story’s been a roller coaster hasn’t it?

Who’s to know what will happen next. It seems unlikely that Elon will run in the next election mostly because it’s illegal but maybe if he can befriend the President after Trump (probably Trump again) maybe he can persuade him to change the law and make it not illegal for South Africans to run.

#MuskVance2028

For more on who’ll be our next President, read this: White House To Start Using Grok, MechaHitler To Run In 2028

“We have a deal on TikTok, I’ve reached a deal with China, I’m going to President Xi on Friday to confirm everything up,” Trump explained to reporters just before boarding a plane going to England… Wrong way, Don.

Years in the making, TikTok and the government finally have a deal that allows it to continue spying on Americans, so long as it’s American companies doing it.

Trump et al were worried that TikTok could potentially be a surveillance/manipulation tool from the Chinese government. Cue a million committee meetings and a million empty threats to shut the app down unless it gets sold to an American company.

Wait, this just sounds like a way of getting a cut of one of the most profitable social media apps on the planet… Is this a hostile takeover? This is just a hostile takeover, isn’t it? This is like what gangsters would do, “HEY! You’re on my turf! This here’s Jimmy the Turd’s territory. You want to keep doing business here? Well, ok, you can but you’ve got to let one of my boys do it for you, one of my friends, then we’re going to get a cut, understood? Aight, because it’s that or I break your legs.”

But that’s all intellectual because now a deal’s been reached and TikTok’s US business will be handled by a US consortium featuring the likes of: (play that cool intro music we talked about)

TECH FIRM… ORACLE!

PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM… SIIIIIILVER LAKE!!!

And VENTURE CAPITAL FIRM, ANDREESSEN HOROWITZ!!!!

Woop woop! Never mind that Oracle is run by Larry Ellison, the second (formly first) richest man in the world and massive Trump head (that’s they’re called, right?) idk about the other guys, I’m not looking it up.

Man, it’s almost like the US is an oligarchy or something.

This new entity will control 80% of TikTok in America. I’m assuming other places will just carry on with the Chinese version.

The new board has announced a rebrand for TikTok which will recolour its logo into a more patriotic red white and blue and have seamless integration with the Truth Social app.

Maybe we’ve learned something from the Chinese after all…

But all this is the long game. It’s not hard to see that this might be a bargaining chip to sweeten the deal during the trade talks and maybe win over those precious Nvidia AI chips that China so desperately craves.

Who knows. Let’s see how this plays out.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Delays TikTok Ban: “I Have Too Many Bangers Waiting In My Drafts”

President Donald Trump is suing the “flailing” New York Times $15 billion dollars in dollars after publishing the drawing that he did of a woman who will be remained nameless for the purposes of this demonstration.

Trump took to Truth Social (where you go to socialise about the truth) to explain the suit. “It’s blue. I always wear it.”

Trump then took to Truth Social to explain the lawsuit. “The flailing new york times, more like new SHIT times, used my drawing without permision. Yeah, they credited me, but that drawing is not under a fair use commercial commons contract. I AM ENTITLED TO ROYALTIES!!!”

Those royalties according to the lawsuit are up to $15 billion dollars which is a lot of money in America. Whether The New York Times Magazine can afford to pay that probably not, but you’ve got to high ball them if you want to settle high that’s what I’ve always said.

Oh and make no mistake about it, TACO Trump will settle meaning this basically just comes down to a forced bribe for defaming the president. This is some dumb dictatorship we’re living under, boy.

Ok, next question, what would you do with $15 billion dollars? Great question, thanks, I’d probably publish the drawing Trump did for Epstein without impunity. Oh, wait, I can just do that for free…

Come at me Don.

For more on this story, read this one: Trump Denies Drawing Picture For Epstein, “But Whoever Did Is Pretty Talented”

The President Donald Trump truthed on a social that “Companies and Corporations should no longer be forced to “Report” on a quarterly basis,” suggesting that companies should be allowed to report biannually instead, or better yet, never.

Trump Truth Social Quarterly Reports Tweet — (Oh my god, I had to actually use Truth Social for the first time to find this, and my god that website is completely unusable. I didn’t think web design could get worse than X or wallstmemes.com, but just to view this ‘Truth’ I had to buy 15 My Pillows…)

This puts Trump squarely on the side of corporations over investors as less disclosure would potentially protect companies more and save on very expensive paperwork. Some economists, however, warn that this pending change would lead to more market instability and allow companies to hide potential losses from investors for longer.

As a lifelong champion of hiding sensitive information from others, Trump disagrees.

In a now deleted Truth (lie?), Trump went on to say, “Even better if we do away with these “Reports” entirely!!! COMPANIES SHOULDN’T HAVE TO REVEAL ANYTHING!!! What a business does is none of your business. THAT GOES FOR PRESIDENTS TOO!!! I DON’T HAVE TO RELEASE MY TAX RETURNS OR ANY EPSTEIN “LISTS”!??!!?@*&!!!!”

A switch to a 6-month reporting system would move America more in line with European and other global markets, which some say would ruin what makes our stock options enticing. “Why would we want to copy what those disgusting Croats are up to?” committed one commentator.

The change would also create problems for anyone trying to talk about reports casually in meetings and in conversation. A four-month report can be nicely shortened to ‘quarterly’; however, no such abbreviation exists for six-month reports. The suggested ‘sexterly reports’ was already shot down by HR as inappropriate.

Until Trump can find a suitable name, the change is unlikely to catch on.

For my quarterly report, read this one: Farewell! DOGE Cuts Funding For Satirical News Articles

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