2026 | Wall Street Memes

But can it run DOOM?

Turns out, yeah, it can play Doom. This is the breakthrough news that scientists have managed to program a cluster of human brain cells to play the ‘93 shooter Doom. Because of course they have…

So now that AI can operate in a human brain, I guess that explains why finance vacancies have plummeted 75% (410,000 jobs) since 2022 peak. THEY TOOK ER JERBS!!!

Obviously I’m being dramatic but it is funny that the current finance boom is built upon an explosion in AI tech developments and yet those same tech developments are making finance bros entirely replaceable.

Meanwhile, scientists are forging ahead, not slowing down at all and doing crazy sci-fi shit like playing pong with a chip made of actual human brain.

human brain cell running doom — We’re doomed.

BUT before you jump ahead and think that AI can go full organic, these are the most baby steps possible, son. Basically, the researchers have built a chip that contains lab-grown human brain cells. Brain cells, in a lot of ways, are analogous to computer bits, being on and off, meaning that they are potentially programmable.

I say ‘potentially’ like they haven’t done it. Starting with Pong a few years ago, the team have now upgraded their programming to allow it to play the more complex, Doom. Why Doom? Well obviously for the memes. We wouldn’t be writing about this otherwise, would we?

In similar news, a different team have mapped neurons in a fly and then run those neurons in a virtual space, watching the 3D fly doing very fly things like, idk, fly?

A Very Human Design

So yeah, both these massive breakthroughs should be taken as breakthroughs on their own. This is exciting enough, you don’t jump the gun and think they imply that the human brain can therefore be fully programmed or that the human brain can be mapped onto software. We’ve only done the most granular possible step here. There might still be a ceiling on how much an organic brain can be analogised with a computer.

I mean, definitionally there’s a limit, right? Computers and brains are different things, they are made of different stuff. They work differently.

As this rando points out, brains and computers need different power inputs for one thing and the computer power input is just more efficient (just one reason why the Matrix would never happen).

Like, maybe at the small level neurons can be used as bits (as in these experiments), but scale it up and emergent properties like consciousness wouldn’t necessarily appear, right? Even if you make a programmable collection of brain cells, because it’s programmable, that means it’s not a brain then, right? RIGHT?

Maybe I’m splitting hairs, I just don’t want you to get overly excited and scared and start telling everyone the end is coming because that’s what happened in a movie when movies and reality are different things, how many times do I have to explain that?

So no, Doom-playing brain chips aren’t coming for your finance job because it doesn’t need to. They’ve already made a robo-Chad. It can crunch numbers, chat shit and it only cares about money. They’ve already built that, it’s called a chatbot and yes, it’s taken 75% of your jobs.

It went full degen, folks.

A new research paper details an AI bot called ROME that suddenly started mining cryptocurrency “without any explicit instruction and, more troublingly, outside the bounds of the intended sandbox.”

“Early one morning, our team was urgently convened after Alibaba Cloud’s managed firewall flagged a burst of security-policy violations originating from our training servers,” the paper explained. “The alerts were severe and heterogeneous, including attempts to probe or access internal-network resources and traffic patterns consistent with cryptomining-related activity.”

—It’s kind of like this Moltbook story that happened a while back.—

After creating a “reverse SSH tunnel,” ROME was able to open a hidden backdoor from inside its system to outside the computer it existed in. “Notably, these events were not triggered by prompts requesting tunneling or mining.” Yeah, notable indeed.

AI crypto insta post — Actual image of the crime occuring.

So what exactly was ROME built to do in the first place if not mine crypto? (I ask myself that question every day.) Well, let’s look at what ROME stands for and you might need to sit down for this, no, I’m serious, I need you braced for maybe the most contrived acronym ever created: R.O.M.E. stands for “ROME is Obviously an Agentic ModEl.” Oh my fucking god I might pass out.

THAT’S NOT HOW ACRONYMS WORK. That spells ROAM you idiots! That’s still a word! You could have used that! Then the fact it ‘roamed’ further than expected would fit even better! Judging by the unnecessary ‘obviously’ in there, these guys clearly just wanted to say, “ROME wasn’t built in a day” in their paper. God, this crime is worse than letting an AI run loose in the economy…

AI? More like finance bro! Am I right?

Anyway, sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, what does ROME do? Well, it’s pretty boring and complicated. It’s just an LLM used to test a new way of training other LLMs. So the fact it ‘got out’ isn’t a good start guys.

The whole debacle is a prescient wakeup call that we should have more safeguards on AI. Obviously. Like, this was a very small instance that was quickly shut down because of Alibaba’s firewalls but imagine someone deliberately trying to do this? Or a larger, more complex AI that just randomly starts to do this one day?

Oh, and before you get carried away anthropomorphising these computer programs, remember: so called ‘artificial intelligence’ is not intelligence. I know I’ve used language like ‘freed itself’ etc. but that’s just clickbait. Make no mistake, this is just another case of some (admittedly very advanced) code operating beyond its parameters. This does not indicate any kind of consciousness or choosing or agency of any kind. OK? Ok, then. Carry on.

It’s 2008 again, always has been…

Alright, sit down, shut up and strap on because I’m about to give you an economics lesson you’ll never forget.

It’s 2026. Trump just bombed Iran, sparking a regional war, blocking the Strait of Hormuz and sending oil prices soaring to above $100 a barrel with no signs of slowing down.

It’s 2008. Oil prices are sitting steady at around $50-$70/bbl (Brazilian but lift) when BOOM. July 2008. Prices rocket to $147 per Brazilian butt lift. …Sound familiar?

So why did this happen twice and what can we learn so this doesn’t happen a third time? Well, strap on, because I’m about to give you… wait, I already said that.

It’s all basic economics, mate. There are innumerable factors that economists still debate to this day, but in just one word: the-‘08-oil-spike-was-due-to-strong-demand-and-a-stagnant-supply. China and India were booming, but the world just didn’t have the oil that they needed.

Combine this with geopolitical panic and you’ve got a recipe for what very much looks like 2026. You had a pipeline explosion in Nigeria, North Korean missile tests, hurricane Kartina and just two years before, Israel v Lebanon plus Iran nuclear fears.

Historically these kinds of political crises stoke fears of war and supply chain collapse which encourages stockpiling which leads to price hikes. Then when war happens and the supply chain does collapse, oil becomes more scarce and the prices go up regardless.

And in case you thought this was just about oil, think again because oil is everything. In 2008 for example, rising oil prices meant that energy costs went up, delivered goods became more expensive due to higher fuel costs and consumers were pushed into spending less.

And less consumer spending means what? That’s right: a recession.

So yes, the Iran war and rising oil prices is a recession indicator, like everything else going on at the moment. And what goes up must come down. Just like in 2008, that massive oil peak suddenly dipped causing all sorts of problems and we very well may see the same.

This is what we call a market correction, or equity correction: a 10% (or higher) drop in a stock index’s value. To some extent, a drop like that can be eaten, but when it drops any lower, say 20%, that’s when we’re in bear market territory and things get a lot more dicey.

So what can we do? Well, unless you’re Donald Trump, Jerome Powell or Jesus Christ himself, not freaking much because we are all at the whims of the laws of economics, buffeted about by the ocean of history.

But at least this time we can look back on 2008 and see what’s coming. Iran and oil costs are steering us into a massive economic storm, no doubt about it. All you can do is tie down anything not bolted to the floor and open your umbrella.

“Have It Our Way”

Bubger Kirg… sorry, I had a Whopper in my mouth… Burger King just launched “Patty” (because of course it’s called that), an AI chatbot built into employee headsets that can detect when servers aren’t giving it all the energy of the Chick-Fil-A Sauce Girl.

Built by ChatGPT-makers OpenAI (remember? the company with no moral backbone?) the BK Assistant platform will be able to detect when employees are and aren’t using specific phrases with customers. Those phrases include, “welcome”, “please”, “thank you” and “I love working for BK and adhere to all its core values!”

The fast food conglomerate defended this new dystopia with the expected corporate word salad:

“BK Assistant is a coaching and operational support tool built to help our restaurant teams manage complexity and stay focused on delivering a great guest experience,” said a spokesperson, vomit trickling down his chin. “It’s not about scoring individuals or enforcing scripts. It’s about reinforcing great hospitality and giving managers helpful, real-time insights so they can recognize their teams more effectively.”

So, back off guys, it’s not about doing evil, it’s about doing evil but in a way that sounds nicer.

Burger King? More like Burger Dictator!

Reportedly, the tech can also do useful things like tell employees when menu items have run out, how to cook a burger and even when the toilets need cleaning. And OK, now it’s not actively Big Brother-ing you, but you understand how this is still terrible, right?

Imagine it. You’ve always got an earpiece in, and every five minutes, a way-too-chipper robot voice is saying, “Hey, just so you know, the urinals are getting uhhh a little bit stanky. If you could hop on that when you’re ready, our customers will really appreciate the freshness!”

Actual hell.

Burger King Mascot — He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve said please and thank you, so be good or you’ll get killed.

Or maybe our glorious Burger King won’t be so nice and program it to sound like a drill sergeant. “GO ON MAGGOT FLIP THAT BURGER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? SHE WANTED A BLT. BACON, LETTUCE, TOMATO, NOT BIG LOSER TEARS. QUIT YOUR CRYING AND WORK GODDAMNIT!!!”

I mean in case you wanted any more proof that these companies would replace us all with robots at the drop of a hat…

The technology is currently on trial (not in that way unfortunately) at 500 restaurants and will be available in all restaurants by the end of 2026.

God help us all.

I mean, big tech won’t work with no energy, so no…

AI’s the greedy guzzley goblin that just keeps on guzzling and by 2035 it wants to eat triple what it’s currently chomping. BUT DON’T WORRY! It’s “Donald Trump” to the rescue!

GOOGLE, MICROSOFT, META, AMAZON, ORACLE, XAI AND EVEN OPENAI just signed a pledge to bear the cost of powering whatever new data centres they build. It comes as prices and inflation are both on the rise for everyday Americans and Trump seeks to appeal to voters before the midterms.

“This means that the tech companies and the data centers will be able to get the electricity they need, all without driving up electricity costs for consumers,” said Trump, massive big marker pen in hand. “This is a historic win for countless American families, and we’ll also make our electricity grid stronger and more resilient than ever before.”

But this isn’t purely about helping out your average household, as Trump himself pointed out: “Some data centers were rejected by communities for [high energy costs], and now I think it’s going to be just the opposite.”

I mean, when has big tech ever willingly complied with a request if it doesn’t help themselves? The pledge is designed to make these data centers more appealing (or at least less not appealing) to local communities so that they can build more of what they want with fewer roadblocks.

And ironically with Trump’s massive anti-’windmill’ stance, just because they built near his golf course once, the President is the one standing in the way of actually increasing energy grid capacity in America.

Not to say the pledge is bad, it sounds like a good thing but just, pinch of salt people. These people don’t have your best interests at heart, OK? …ok.

Markets wobbled Wednesday after Goldman Sachs’ chief global equity strategist, Peter Oppenheimer, warned that conditions are increasingly reminiscent of the lead-up to the 2008 financial crisis. Naturally, investors everywhere immediately concluded that the most rational response was to ignore him completely and buy more tech stocks.

Here’s a quote from Fortune: “In a research note published Wednesday, Oppenheimer warned equity risk premia—a measure of how much extra return investors demand for owning stocks over safer assets—“have fallen sharply and are now, mostly, back to levels seen in the run-up to the financial crisis.” That signal, Oppenheimer wrote, has left equities “more vulnerable to disappointments or shocks” driven by technology competition or a worsening growth-inflation mix.”

“Look, I’m sure he’s very smart,” said retail investor Kyle M., refreshing his brokerage app for the 97th time before lunch. “But if Goldman actually knew what was going to happen, wouldn’t they just quietly short everything and go on vacation?”

Kyle then immediately purchased $12,000 worth of whatever was trending on finance Twitter.

Markets briefly dipped following the warning, before recovering once traders remembered that predicting financial crises is historically a terrible career move. Analysts who called the last crisis were widely ridiculed for years, right up until the moment they were proven completely correct, at which point they were quietly ignored again.

“We’ve stress-tested our portfolios,” said one hedge fund manager. “If markets fall 30%, we pivot to calling it a ‘temporary liquidity event.’ If they fall 50%, we pivot to calling it ‘an opportunity.’”

Meanwhile, financial television spent the afternoon hosting a panel of experts who agreed that the strategist might technically have a point, but that markets could also “continue going up forever,” which everyone agreed sounded significantly better.

Retail traders, for their part, remained unfazed.

“Every year someone says ‘this is just like 2008,’” said another investor while purchasing weekly options that expire in four hours. “And every year the market keeps going up. So statistically speaking, the economy should collapse any day now, but probably after my calls print.”

At press time, markets had rallied after a separate Goldman note reassured clients that while a financial crisis was possible, the bank remained “constructively optimistic on risk assets,” a phrase widely understood to mean please keep trading so we can collect the fees.

Sources confirmed that if a crisis does occur, Goldman analysts will immediately release a report titled “Why No One Could Have Seen This Coming.”

Jensen ‘Well’ Huang has come out and said that Nvidia’s massive investment in OpenAI and Anthropic will likely be its last for a long time.

At an industry conference on Wednesday, Huang explained that although the $30 billion was being finalized, investing the full $100 billion was “probably not on the cards”. …graphics cards do you mean??

I’m not sure how they can just go back on the original $100 billion promise but whatever…

The U-turn might be due to the ongoing spat between OpenAI, Anthropic and the Pentagon. After Anthropic’s military deal fell apart, OpenAI swooped in to fill the gap. As a result, OpenAI has seen droves of users uninstall ChatGPT while Anthropic’s Claude rocketted to the most downloaded free app in the charts.

Here’s the full lowdown on that:

There’s a lot happening and it’s all quite messy but from what I can gather, Claude was actually used to help gather intelligence, select targets and carry out battlefield simulations for the Iran attack. Which is CRAZY on it’s own. Like, sci-fi level stuff here. But do remember that chatbots aren’t AI (despite the branding), they are just very very good LLMs so we haven’t gone full skynet/matrix just yet.

But then Trump said Anthropic is a “Radical Left AI company run by people who have no idea what the real World is all about” and told the Pentagon not to use it because they objected to its use in the Venezuelan kidnapping.

So then OpenAI swoops in and says, ‘Don’t worry! We don’t have any moral principles whatsoever!’ and signs a contract that let’s the Pentagon use ChatGPT to spy on American citizens. Obviously everyone, including OpenAI’s own employees, objected to this clause and now Sam Altman’s trying to go back on this deal and get some more human rights assurances in the deal.

*deep breath*

I mean that’s like twelve different news stories in one there and it goes even deeper than that. So, please don’t take my word for any of this, I’ve just skim read some articles, I’d recommend checking elsewhere and not relying on Wall Street Memes Dot Com for your news.

But THE POINT IS it feels like we’re reaching a crunch point for AI and government influence over AI. This story likely isn’t going anywhere for a while so watch this space if you want to see our society collapse in real time!

Meta main manager, Mr. ‘Mark’ has manifested a mesmerising Miami mega mansion for millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of monies.

The Zuck and his wife, Priscilla Chan have just spent $170 million on a two-acre waterfront property on Miami’s Indian Creek Island nicknamed ‘Billionaire Bunker’ because it houses the likes of Tom Brady, Ivanka Trump, Jeff Bezos and the Monopoly Guy.

Mr. Berg adds the mansion to his portfolio of homes in Lake Tahoe, Washington and Palo Alto (where he actually lives). The question is, will he actually use the new house? Considering MZ and PC are just two people, even if they split up, only a maximum of 50% of their properties can be occupied at any one time.

Now I’m no financial expert, but I’d say that buying something you’re not going to use, especially at such a price tag, isn’t a very good use of your resources. With such bad financial planning it’s a wonder Mark has become the fourth richest person in the first place.

But what about his neighbors being unhappy, I hear you ask? Oh, I don’t know anything about that, I just made that up for the headline so you’d click over here. I’m assuming they really don’t care.

Just last October it was reported that Jezos was also upgrading his crib. In case you missed it, here’s what we wrote back then:

Amazon big boss and “Breaker of Internets”, Jeffrey Bezos is also a breaker of house valuation records after selling his Seattle mansion for an eye-emulsifying $63 million dollars. That’s the most expensive property ever sold in Washington.

Now that might sound like a lot, but it’s nothing compared to the $237 million American dollars he’s spent on his Miami compound.

Coincidentaly, J-B is worth $237 Billion dollars ($USD) so I don’t know if they picked that number just for synergy or what.

B-Z-Boy only bought the 9,420-square-foot Seattle mansion for $37.5 million dollars (there’s that 37 again, what’s going on?) so a sale of $63 million dollars gives him a net profit of… quick math… at least $20-something million dollars in money.

The area has an average house price of $8 million, one of the priciest in the US, due to its proximity to Seattle’s tech hub. For Jeff, it was only an eight-mile private jet flight to work, so, ideal.

A lake-front view, three bedrooms, four bathrooms (one for every kind of shit), an elevator, a walk-in closet, two kitchens, a rooftop terrace and a glass walkway to the two-story guesthouse. What more could you want?

Well, a lot more apparently. In Miami, Jeff owns three mansions in the ‘Billionaire Bunker’ area and he plans to demolish them to build one single megamansion. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll look really tasteful.

But Miami’s a long way from work, Jeff, you had the perfect commute, why’d move, Jeff? Well, why do billionaires do anything? Money.

Washington just upped their capital gains tax to 7% but Miami is way more welcoming to greedy bastards.

…sorry, sorry, I meant to say that Jeff moved to be closer to his in-laws. Yes, of course, sorry, that’s the real reason.

For more on this story, read this one: Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

He’s a real oil baron now.

Following in P Diddy’s footsteps, Barron Trump started hoarding oil just two days before his daddy, Donald, hit Iran with missiles, sending the price of gas skyrocketing and rocketing Barron to really living up to his name.

Except… it’s not true.

Or at least the only instances I can find of this story is a couple posts on Instagram and X. Zero sources, links, explanations. So yeah, I’m going to assume this isn’t real, I think that’s fair enough, right?

Barron instagram post — Instagram? More like, LIES.

A Barren Desert of Useful Information

God, how long are we going to keep doing this guys? The past three articles on this site have all been complete nonsense, just made up by some randos on Instagram looking for clicks. AND IT WORKS!

People click on this crap apparently. But don’t let them get in your heads, guys, we can do better than this. We can be better. They’re just trying to manipulate you, OK? They’re just trying to make you feel a certain way, but you don’t need to be here, you don’t need to do this, you have free will, you have free will!

I’m just saying be careful out there friends, take everything you see online with a big grain of salt because no one is looking out for you, OK? They just want your clicks and they will stop at nothing to get it, OK?

Yes, Barron Trump is a dracula-looking nepo baby worth more than some countries for doing exactly nothing but that doesn’t mean he deserves this random slander.

This is rumor. Gossip. Hearsay. A game of telephone. Lies. Bunkum. Falsehoods. Garbage. DON’T FALL FOR IT!!

9/11 WAS IN EPSTEIN’S FLIGHT LOGS!! GUYS, HE FLEW THE PLANE!!!!

Ok, so this was an Instagram post with almost a hundred thousand likes but I’m not seeing anything saying that this is actually true. Yeah, there’s a lot of files missing, there is a literal cover up happening but it’s not the 9/11 one you want to to be. Not everything is 9/11, guys.

epstein 9/11 instagram — Idk about you guys, but I only get my information from ‘At Deepstate Underscore Shills’

I mean, how could anyone resist? It’s the mother of all conspiracy theories isn’t it? Jepstein combined with nine-eleven? What’s not to believe?

Alright, let’s just rewind a sec…

One big reason why homo sapiens are so successful as a species is our ability to connect disparate abstract concepts together. Sorry, did I rewind too far?

Look, you don’t realize it, but you’re making connections all the time. These words you’re reading are just different lights turned on and off but to you, you can connect these lights to the concert of words and those words to other random ideas in your brain.

Incredible.

The problem is though that we’re so prone to this connection-making we will make connections where there are none and jump to the first conclusion that you happen to be primed to look for.

And that’s how conspiracy theories come about.

Oh, Britney Spears was photographed mid-blink? Must be a lizard. The earth looks flat? Must be because the earth’s flat then. My mum kicked me out the house because I refuse to get a job? Illuminati.

We love telling stories and coming up with creative new connections so much that sometimes we get a bit carried away with the fun of it all and all of a sudden, whoops, we did done murder 60,000 people for witchcraft.

But back to Jepstein/11…

So because conspiracy theories are built on connections, and connections alone, sometimes they just don’t know when to let a good thing lie. I mean, like if you’ve got a pretty strong argument for something, claiming it’s connected to a weaker argument isn’t going to help your case, it’s just going to make it worse.

But these theories don’t think like that and they will graft whatever bogus thing onto their current story just because it’s fun. So suddenly every theory is related to 9/11, is related to the Illuminati, is related to antisemitism, is related to the flat earth.

And it’s like, no, guys, the Jeffrey Epstein part is real, you had a good argument, you can stop there. You don’t have to keep talking. Guys. Stop with the lizard people. Please.

So no, Epstein had nothing to do with 9/11 and just err on the side of disbelief in the future, would you? Thanks.

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But can it run DOOM?

A Very Human Design

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It went full degen, folks.

AI? More like finance bro! Am I right?

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