2026 | Wall Street Memes

In 2025, Polymarket gamblers put $3.3 million on Jesus’ return and now the site has renewed the bet for 2026. Call it a second coming.

“Will Jesus Christ return before 2027?” already has $160,190 pledged on a 3% chance the big JC’s encore will be this year. Only 4% have actually bet in favor of the lord, but he’s still got time to prove the haters wrong.

Oh, and if you were wondering, no he didn’t make his divine self known last year either. At least, that’s “a consensus of credible sources,” but what do they know?

Jesus Return Polymarket — Ok, but how is the graph going up and down? WHAT NEW INFORMATION COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE GAINED??

Pascal’s Wager

As many Redditors have been quick to point out, isn’t betting on Jesus Clearwater Revival a little bit counterintuitive since the moment he comes back to judge the living and the dead and smite the wicked won’t all your Polymarket winnings be a bit worthless?

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” – Matthew 19:21

“It’s harder to stick a needle into a camel than it is for you richos to enter the kingdom of heaven or something.” – Jezzer, the Bible.

Jesus Christ? More Like, Jesus MIGHT Come Back!

Now this might all be a bit of fun but what if it’s now? What if it’s deadly serious? This is people’s religion you’re messing with here. Some people get up every day and dedicate themselves to the whims of the stock market and you’re making light of that commitment.

As Melinda Roth, associate professor of Washington and Lee School of Law, told Bloomberg, it’s “distracting” and “diminishes the value of actual prediction markets that provide insights and useful information.”

So please stop, you’re being offensive.

As for the religious aspect well, everyone knows Jesus is just a bedtime story. You want to know what’s actually a sure thing? The second coming of the postman. Why? Because he always knocks twice of course!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Ha.

For more gambling news, read this: Trump Considers Cutting Tax On Gambling Winnings, Will The Bet Pay Off?

Ok, but what if we don’t want $2.8 billion dollars worth of oil? What if giving us that amount of oil WOULD DROWN US?? I will DIE if you dump $2.8 billion oils on me. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THAT AMOUNT OF OIL TO US.

…oh, wait, you meant ‘U.S.’, the ‘United States’, not ‘us’ …ohhh, sorry, my bad, carry on.

So the news is that Donald President Trump is going to make Venezuela send America (us) 30 to 50 million barrels of oil. That’s worth anything upwards of $4.

But that’s just the beginning of Trump’s craziness so here’s our ranking of the top five wildest things he’s demanded of Venezuela.

5. Trump Claims ALL The Oils

Olive. Baby. Nerdy teens’ sweaty foreheads. If there’s oil in Venezuela, I’m sorry, but YOINK. That’s now the property of the United States Armed Forces LLC. Trump claims that all of Venezuelan’s $17.3T of oil is America’s. That’s a figure that would add more value to the US than all the GDP of every country in the world combined.

4. Machado Will Not Be President

Trump’s just salty that she’s got a Nobel Peace Prize and he doesn’t. Opposition leader Maria Corina Machado seemed like the obvious choice to take over from overthrown dictator Maduro but you know who would be a better choice? Maduro’s second in command. Yeah.

I’m sorry, did you think this was about democracy? Oh, you sweet summer child.

3. The Government Will Reimburse Oil Companies For Rebuilding Venezuelan Infrastructure

Mmm, yeah, that’s just not going to happen.

2. Trump Demands Venezuela Kick Out China and Russia From Their Oil Business

Jesus Christ we’re actually heading to a full blown war. This is it. This is how it starts. I’m restocking the fallout shelter kids, everyone grab a gasmask!!

1. Greenland’s Next

Trump’s reportedly already looking into options for taking Greenland which he says America “needs”. But they got Maduro for arms dealing and drug trafficking, what are they going to book Greenland’s president for, smuggling penguins? (“You said you exported ‘snow’?? Yeah, you’re going to prison for a long time, buddy.”)

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) by the Consumer Technology Association (CTA) is in full swing at the Las Vegas Convention Center (LVCC) and AMD, INTC and NVDA all pulled out big WTF reveals.

Let’s start with AMD:

The HELIOS AI Rack

AMD can now claim they’ve got a great rack with a direct competitor with whatever Nvidia’s got going.

The Vera Rubin NVL72

Who? I actually don’t understand what that is. Is it a new data center? That could be a new terminator for all I know. Speaking of Terminators…

Nvidia’s big reveals include:

Collaborations with Boston Dynamics, Caterpillar, LG and NEURA Robotics

These companies are apparently already using Nvidia’s AI to program their humanoid robotics learning technology things. Nothing going to go wrong there for sure.

AI Self-Driving Cars

‘Alpamayo’ is Nvidia’s new breed of AI powered self-driving cars, finely tuned to tell the difference between an unarmed pedestrian and a solid wall, despite plowing into both. Tesla watch your back.

And finally here’s the intel on Intel:

New AI Chips For Laptops

Geez, get a new buzzword already. These new Panther Lake chips are known ‌as Intel Core Ultra Series 3 ALRIGHT, I TAKE IT BACK, THAT’S ENOUGH NEW BUZZWORDS!!

Also probably something else, but mainly the chips.

I’m sure they spoke about other stuff but the new chips were the headline act.

All in all, I think that’s a pretty good CES. Probably the best CES I’ve ever had. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Let us know in the AI-powered comments section below:

You might have heard of the Pentagon Pizza Index but if you haven’t, it’s very simple. The index tracks when the pizzas are ordered to the Pentagon and notes unusual increases in orders.

The theory is that the Pentagon will order more pizza when it has more people working late and that tends to happen when the Pentagon is gearing up for a big operation.

THEREFORE by tracking pizzas ordered to the Pentagon the index can predict the next major military operation.

Sounds crazy? Well, it might just be crazy enough to work.

The theory began with Frank Meeks, a Domino’s employee in Washington who noted a record order of 21 pizzas the night before Iraq invaded Kuwait and started the Gulf War in 1990. He also spotted a similar surge in 1998 during Clinton’s impeachment hearings.

Meeks also claims he noticed an uptick in 1983 and 1989 before the invasions of Grenada and Panama.

Well, now the coincidence tracker is officially a thing with someone making an account on X called the Pentagon Pizza Report that live monitors Google Maps data.

And just like clockwork, the PPR noted a spike of 300 pizzas ordered to the Pentagon from Pizzato’s Pizza two days before Trump’s airstrike on Venezuela.

This isn’t the only time the PPR has picked up military movements as a pizza surge in April 2024 coincided with Iran’s drone attack on Israel and in June last year, a Papa John’s got a big order just an hour before Trump announced strikes on Iran.

It’s like Wolf Blitzer said, “Bottom line for journalists: Always monitor the pizzas.”

Maybe its just a coincidence with a healthy dollop of confirmation bias, but either way, I’m off to short the market then order 400 deep dish margaritas.

For more on this story, click here: Oil And Bitcoin Up After Trump’s Venezuela Coup, Will Greenland Be Next?

Jesus, I go away for just a couple weeks and all this happens? Couldn’t your big coup have waited until I was back?

Conspiracy theory: Trump deliberately arrested the Venezuelan president over Christmas so no one would notice, EXCEPT pretty much everyone did notice and now it’s all anyone’s talking about.

And of course they are, it’s pretty crazy, this is an intervention into foreign governments like we haven’t seen since Iraq and we all know how that turned out.

Really well. Really super very well in fact.

So far this one’s only come up Millhouse too, yes, oil is more expensive now but on the other hand gold, silver, bitcoin and probably some other assets have rallied so who cares if people are going to die, right?

Point is we’re in a new era, as in we’re back in an old era, when America can take what it wants and give nothing back. International laws be damned.

No doubt Putin’s looking at this latest move with a smug smile, enjoying the sweet, sweet taste of irony. And no doubt Trump likely won’t be welcome at the next Russia/Ukraine negotiation having thrown stones in his glass house.

Coup D’Art

Greenland’s next on Trump’s hit list recently saying “we need Greenland.” I mean, that’s not ambiguous, is it? The Danish prime minister responded by saying, “that’s enough now.”

Careful there, Jens Frederik Nielsen or you might just get couped too.

So obviously there’s still a lot to unfold here. Maduro will stand (show) trial soon, the new PM Delcy Rodríguez has to win over Trump and Exxon Mobil needs to get their oil back because as always that’s what this is all about.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it or something.

Watch this space.

He’s a clown. The jokes write themselves…

Yes, it’s true, Jaymie Parkkinen, an IP lawyer representing Musk against Sam Altman, moonlights as a clown.

I knew it!

“All of my comedy friends — none of them can believe I’m a lawyer,” Parkkinen told Business Insider who first made the connection. “And none of my lawyer friends can believe I do clown.”

Yes, Parkkinen does ‘clown’, meaning a kind of improv, slapstick, comedy hybrid as opposed to dressing up as Pennywise and scaring little children. Ngl, I’m disappointed he doesn’t at least wear the nose.

Lawyer? More like, horn noise

“When you strip away all the social masks that we all wear, if you strip away gender and politics and money and status and power, and you’re just your raw human self without all of the trappings of society — who are you?” Err, a lawyer for Elon Musk? “Clown tries to answer that question.” Oh, ok.

This isn’t the first time Parkkinen’s zany antics have reached the press. In 2024 the New York Times reported on his business, ‘Clown Cardio’. …you can guess what that involves.

But now the entrepreneurial Parkkinen wants to hustle his main hustle too and plans to start his own IP law practice in the near future. Who’s laughing now, huh?

Even though lawyers and clowns seem like very different professions, is there really a difference? Both have costumes, their own codes and both put on a show.

“At the end of the day, it’s just about connecting with people, and so is being a lawyer,” Parkkinnen explained. “You’re connecting with a judge, a jury, opposing counsel. Lawyers are often very conservative and kind of miss out on this huge gift that’s right at their fingertips. Just take an improv class.”

Nice plug at the end there. Hustlers be hustling.

2026 kicked off with record optimism as millions of employees logged on remotely just long enough to confirm their laptops still exist.

Workers across industries proudly marked themselves “online,” a term that now means “near a device and thinking about emails emotionally.”

Slack activity surged briefly as employees sent strategic messages like “Happy New Year!” to establish presence without commitment and then wiggle their mouse a little bit every twenty minutes.

Managers reported high morale after several team members replied “circling back soon,” a phrase economists classify as fictional output. One employee claimed to be “heads down on priorities,” despite being in the cinema watching the new Avatar.

Calendar data also shows meetings were scheduled, ignored, rescheduled, and then quietly removed in what experts call peak productivity theater.

Emails sent this week averaged six words and zero decisions, setting a strong tone of intentional ambiguity for the year ahead, however, IT departments confirmed nothing was broken, largely because no one tried to use anything yet. Meanwhile, auto-replies insisting “limited access” continued firing like a lie detector that’s been unplugged.

Sales in “teaspoons to put on the trackpad so it seems like there’s activity” are reportedly through the roof however.

Executives praised the smooth start to 2026, noting that pretending to work is still technically work if everyone agrees. At time of writing, employees were seen opening spreadsheets, sighing deeply, and closing them to “revisit after the holidays,” which somehow still aren’t over.

In a stunning display of collective muscle memory, millions of people across the globe confirmed this week that they are still writing the date as “2025” on documents despite it being very much 2026 now.

Experts say the phenomenon is most common on checks, work forms, and any situation where accuracy suddenly matters more than it did two seconds earlier.

“I know it’s 2026,” said one office worker, confidently crossing out the date for the fourth time, “but my hand refuses to believe it.”

Psychologists explain that the brain requires anywhere from three weeks to six months to accept a new year, depending on caffeine intake and how fake January feels.

Banks report a sharp increase in paperwork rejected for being “chronologically confused but emotionally understandable.” Teachers, meanwhile, have already given up correcting students, admitting that even the syllabus still says 2025 “out of spite.”

The issue appears most severe among adults who still think 2020 was “just last year,” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Some have attempted to fix the problem by pausing before writing the date, only to confidently write 2025 slower.

Tech companies briefly proposed auto-correcting dates, but scrapped the idea after realizing people would simply fight the correction out of instinct.

One analyst described the mistake as “harmless,” noting that society has already agreed that January is a fake month where nothing counts, and you can sleep with your cousin, it’s fine.

At press time, experts warned the problem may persist until at least March and potentially into next year.

Leading economists announced that the average New Year’s hangover will require two full fiscal quarters to recover from, citing inflation, dehydration, and “whatever that last shot was.”

The report explains that while physical symptoms may fade by Tuesday, emotional damage from drunk texts is expected to linger well into Q2. “Consumers attempted aggressive year-end liquidity events,” said one analyst, referring to tequila shots as if they were a sound financial instrument.

According to the data, productivity is projected to remain flat until at least April, when workers finally stop saying “I’m never drinking again” with a straight face. Researchers confirmed that coffee provides only temporary relief, much like government stimulus but louder and shakier.

The study also notes that memories from the night are marked as “non-recoverable assets,” despite multiple failed attempts to reconstruct them via group chat.

Hospitals reported a surge in patients asking doctors to “just run a quick diagnostic” on their life choices.
Meanwhile, employers have adjusted expectations, acknowledging that “working from home” today really means “lying down near a charger.”

One economist warned that attempting a “hair of the dog” strategy often leads to a double-dip recession, but admitted it remains politically popular.

Markets reacted calmly to the news, largely because no one was sober enough to trade.
At press time, economists revised their forecast upward after discovering brunch plans, confirming the recovery timeline now depends entirely on mimosas.

At exactly midnight, finance bro Kyle Henderson stood on a barstool, screamed “TO THE MOON,” and accidentally sprayed champagne onto his boss, proving that volatility applies to careers too.

Witnesses say Kyle believed the new year symbolized “a breakout moment,” which is impressive optimism for someone whose bonus was already theoretical. He reportedly followed up his yell by chanting “diamond hands,” a phrase HR later confirmed is not a protected belief system.

According to coworkers, Kyle insisted the outburst was “priced in,” apparently confusing market theory with acceptable workplace behavior. His manager stared silently for a full 30 seconds, a pause analysts are now calling a clear bearish signal. Kyle attempted damage control by pulling up a chart on his phone, which somehow made everything worse, much like charts usually do.

At 12:05 a.m., Kyle received an email titled “Quick Sync”, a message historically known to mean “update your LinkedIn.” He claims the firing was “short-term noise,” a bold take from someone being escorted out by security.

As he left, Kyle reassured colleagues that he was “still bullish on his personal brand,” despite not having income, dignity, or a chair anymore.

Friends say Kyle remains optimistic and plans to “double down” on crypto, which is comforting in the same way yelling “clear skies” during a hurricane is comforting. He has already tweeted that getting fired was “actually good news,” because it gives him more time to grind, reflect, and avoid explaining this to his parents.

At press time, Kyle was seen ringing in the new year alone, whispering “WAGMI” to a frozen ATM screen that strongly disagreed.

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