Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

President Elected, Donald Trump has officially ended almost a century of Cold War tensions between Russia and America seemingly by accident.

In an effort to end American spending on aid for Ukraine (and in no way influenced by Russian propaganda), Trump has opted for a softer approach on Putin, a U-turn on decades of US foreign policy. But hey why not? ‘If it ain’t fixed, break it’.

For months, Trump has criticized Ukrainian Volodymyr Zelenskyy calling him, “A terrible replacement for the voice of Paddington.” Additionally, the White House instructed its UN envoy to vote in favor of Russia in two UN resolutions that they all agree that ‘war is bad’, whatever that means.

Donald Trump is expected to accept his Nobel Peace Prize on Monday.

For all you history nerds, you might not know but the Cold War was a period of political tension between Russia and America beginning in 1947. The war is so named because unlike during the ‘hot’ war of World War II, slightly fewer people died during the ‘cold’ war of the Cold War. Although the war ended in 1991, modern politics is fundamentally shaped by the conflict and Putin himself has worked hard to bring it back, baby.

However, Donald Trump has stopped Putin in his tracks and, in a surprise plot twist, sided with the dictator. So now America’s enemy is its friend which means that its friend’s enemy is its friend. … Either way, France isn’t happy or something.

French President (still) Emmanuel Macron recently met with American President (still) Donald Trump to do a cool handshake and correct him on details of Ukraine funding. Whether France will become part of Russia in the negotiations or not is still very much on the table.

Whilst it is true that the Cold War and Donald Trump are roughly the same age there is no truth in the rumor that both are connected by an invisible life force. Yes, there is a prophecy foretelling of the arrival of an “orange dawn that shalt warm the war of frost” but there is no way of knowing to whom this refers.

Russian propagandist, Dimitri Bolocolov commented that he was dismayed to hear that Cold War II was coming to an end but, “I will continue to Tweet as @americanpatriot69, he has become part of me and I cannot give him up,” he said.

THIS JUST IN: A ‘Wite Hose’ press release has confirmed the news that Eoln Musk has “fried all government smell chekers” [sic].

The announcement does not clarify who these smell chekers were or what their role in government entailed but it is believed that they were tasked with smelling Eoln Musk (no relation) once a day to make sure he didn’t live up to his name.

Reportedly, these chekers have now been “fried”. Precisely what this means is unclear. The frying is presumed to be figurative, like, they just got shouted at or something. Some however speculate that these government officials were literally dropped into a vat of boiling government oil until they gained a delicious crispy exterior.

It remains unclear if this latest news is in any way related to Elon Musk’s mass firing of government employees. In the past week, the Trump administration has fired over 1000 USAID workers and placed 4000 more on leave, effectively ending the AIDs crisis for good.

Oh, hold on a second, I’m getting word from our producers… Yes, THIS JUST IN: the smell cheker frying is INDEED related to the government worker firing. You see, ahh, ok, hahaha, ahhh I see what’s happened here, this is all a big mix up, let me explain:

Musk did indeed fire the government employee tasked with frying in the White House canteen. This meant the smell chekers had to man this station instead. However when Eoln Musk (no relation) realized that he needed to make more government cuts he pushed the smell chekers into the frying vats. Right, it all makes sense now.

Now, this frying might appear to be cold-blooded murder, BUT, as Musk is himself a government employee he is legally not qualified to murder anyone so it doesn’t count.

Please note that all government spell checkers are still under employment and I don’t know what gave you the idea that they weren’t.

WSM reached out to Dnoald Turmp but he has yet to comment on this developing story.

In a groundbreaking scientific breakthrough, a team of researchers has discovered a way to extract energy from dad jokes. The team, led by Dr. Richard ‘Dick’ Pun (no relation), professor of humor studies at the University of Minnesota, made the discovery while studying the thermodynamics of laughter.

“We noticed that when people laugh at dad jokes, they tend to release a small amount of energy, like, really small, normally just a tiny exhale through the nose, but still,” said Dick Pun. “At first, we thought it was just a coincidence, but after further research, we realized that there was a definite correlation between dad jokes and energy production. Like how cabbage makes you fart.”

The researchers believe that dad jokes work by tapping into a previously unknown form of energy called “pun energy” or ‘punergy’ if you will. Pun energy is a type of potential energy that is stored in the brain and released when a person tells or hears a dad joke.

“Pun energy is a very powerful force, some say too natural,” said Dr. Dick. “Here’s a pun fact for you: punergy is estimated to be several orders of magnitude stronger than nuclear energy pound for pun-ound.”

The discovery of pun energy has the potential to revolutionize the world’s energy supply. If scientists can figure out how to harness pun energy, it could provide a clean, renewable source of power for generations to come.

“Imagine a world where our homes and businesses are powered by dad jokes,” said Dick. “It would be a much funnier and more sustainable world. And it would give dads something to do.”

The researchers are currently working on developing a device that can convert pun energy into electricity. They hope to have a prototype ready for testing within the next year.

“We’re excited about the potential of pun energy,” said Dr. Pun. “It has the pun-tential to change the world. I’m trying to think of a pun to go here, but I apologize I am not a father.”

President-Of-The-Hour Donald Jeffery Trump has announced a 25% import tariff on any steel and aluminum entering the United States forcing beverage companies to reduce their soda can size by at least 25%.

A spokesperson from CoCo Kola (no relation) commented that, “We wholeheartedly agree with the president’s decision to tax aluminium. As so called shrinkflation hits families down and up America we see this as a great opportunity to make a quick profit. Now, everyone’s favortie delicious Kola will come in a ‘fun-sized’ variety at the same price.”

Doctors agree that this is better for everyone. “I myself don’t drink CoCo Kola,” said Dr. U, head of the physical studies department of humans at the University of Guam. “But if I did I would probably be obese. No, this way people won’t drink as much CoCo Kola, which can only be good for everyone. Particularly me. Because I’m spiteful.”

Speaking from Air Force One, Mr. Trump explained the change, “AMERICA HAS BEEN LAST FOR TOO LONG!!” he said, somehow speaking in all-caps. “NOW SODA CANS WILL BE SMALLER SO YOUR HANDS LOOK BIGGER! A WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE WITH HANDS!”

Trump-a-licious

Likely hit hardest by this change are Canada, Brazil and Mexico who make up the majority of America’s aluminium trading numbers. Mexico says if it cannot trade aluminium then it will be forced to trade drugs instead.

Little does Trump know that Air Force One and other planes are also made of metals that will be hit by the tariff. A significantly reduced size for the Presidential Plane will likely cause issues for the President who has stated in the past that he likes planes to be “big”.

“We’re going to make America great again, one tiny soda can at a time,” Trump said at a rally in Ohio. “And let me tell you, these new cans are going to be tremendous. They’re going to be so small, you’ll be able to fit them in your pocket. And they’re going to be so affordable, you’ll be able to buy a six-pack for the same price as a single can before.”

Consumers, however, are not as enthusiastic about the new tariffs. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage, with some even calling for a boycott of soda.

“This is ridiculous,” said one Twitter.com user. “I’m not going to pay the same price for half the soda. I’m going to switch to water, which I hate.”

Continuing the expansion of the Trump real estate empire, the ‘yes-it’s-only-been-two-weeks-President’ Donald Trump has announced a new golf course in the Gaza Strip.

The new course will add to Trump’s latest property developments in Greenland and the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry, ‘Gulf of America’, sorry, ‘Golf of America’.

What precisely will happen to the 2 million people who don’t want to live on a golf course? Well, you know, maybe they could, I dunno, do you have any ideas?

“You know Gaza’s interesting,” Trump previously said explaining his plans for the territory, “It’s a phenomenal location, on the sea, best weather, you know everything’s good, some beautiful things could be done with it.” The President stopped short of saying, those ‘things’ were a big ol’ golf course.

The America First President intent on slashing government explained his planned new purchase recently at a press conference with Benji Netenyahoo, “The US will take over the Gaza Strip and we’ll do a job with it too.” What, ‘a job’? What does that MEAN? “We’ll own it and be responsible for dismantling all the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site.” Ok, I guess that clears things up.

So the plan is, in response to a terrorist attack, America is going to go in and take control of a Middle Eastern country under the pretense of disabling weapons…

…Those who repeat history are doomed to learn a lesson from it, or something like that.

Not-America Unhappy With Trump Plan

Countries across the world and beyond have condemned the plan as “bad”. But to be fair though, Kamala Harris would have done a way worse job, so I don’t think they’re allowed to complain actually.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was one of the few leaders not to condemn the announcement, saying, “Heheheeh, now you see! Taking a place just because you want it is not such a bad thing!”

What does this mean for the ceasefire I hear you ask? Well, that’s… That’s also a question. Hey, maybe both sides really want a golf course. Oh, you did? And they don’t? Ok, well, then let’s not ask them.

Experts Weigh In

Political commentator and Palestinian-Israeli relations expert, ‘Douglas ‘n’ Texas’ (@douglasntexas) weighed in on the complex issue with a simple three-step plan:

“MGGA: Make Gaza Great Again. Although I am not sure it ever was great. However, an end to the violence over there would be a nice change for the people of Gaza and Israel. Step 1: Get rid of the Muslim extremist twisting up the religion for their own personal profit. Step 2: Educate their women. Step 3: Educate their children.” (Punctuation added for clarity)

Problem solved, thanks Doug.

Trump fan and Middle Eastern politics expert — ‘Douglas In Texas’, the man (and definitely not an AI bot) who solved the Palestine-Israel war

It’s Trade-War Tuesdays at Trump Tower, or as lay people might describe it, ‘family board game night’. For the Trumps there’s only one board game in town and that’s the king of cutthroat capitalistic conniving. No, not Monopoly, the Trumps only play Catan.

The classic German trading game is only 4-player, but you know the Trumps forked out for the 6-player expansion long ago. Obviously, that’s still not enough for the whole gang, Donald, Melania, Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eris, Tiffany, and Barron (not a real baron) so normally they just don’t invite Tiffany.

Trump Catan Tweet — Donald Trump has been a Catan fan since before X was X

But this week, Tiffany is now a welcome guest because, for the first time, Donald Trump has been barred from his own family Catan night.

It all began last Tuesday when Melania was in desperate need of sheep but her only source was her loving husband. Melania needed just three more sheep to give her the resources to upgrade her towns to cities and earn enough victory points to win the game. Donald knew this and as the sole producer of sheep, he held all the cards… sheep cards.

Trump Remains Sheepish On Trade

Trump refused point blank to trade. No matter how persuasive Melania’s puppy eyes were, Trump would not cave. This significantly soured the mood of the normally jovial game. Don Jr., who also needed sheep (not to build anything, just because he likes sheep) was also iced out. The rest of the children didn’t really need sheep and just wanted an excuse to talk to Dad. But all they could get out of him for the rest of the game was an angry, ‘no’.

Things took another turn when Eric pointed out that this way, no one would win. In fact, Donald still needed the brick resource to complete his longest road. The only way for everyone to get along and for the game to continue would be if they all started trading again. This was met with another curt ‘no’ and a threat to build a wall around Eric’s tiles.

Eventually, Melania caved. She gave Donald the brick he needed, but at the much lower trade of just one sheep. Melania could not complete her cities. Donald, however, was able to smugly steam ahead with his longest road, a beautiful road, and win the game.

And THAT is why, Donald has been barred from all future family Trump Tower Catan nights. So, who’s the real winner here, hmm?

Predictably unpredictable, Donald Trump has broken from tradition by funding his inauguration entirely with memecoin cryptocurrencies. All payments and transactions have been made with the $TRUMP token, from hiring Kid Rock to bribing supporters not to riot.

Trump’s choice of payment method is unusual since previous inaugurations were paid for solely in United States American Dollars. Reagan’s ceremony is the only exception as that was partially funded by Iranian Rials.

Trump launched his official cryptocurrency in the run-up to signing in, despite thinking ‘meme’, ‘crypto’, and ‘Solana’ were all brands of yogurt. Immediately after launch, Trump’s coin surged to over $5bn dollars in value which will definitely turn out well for everyone involved.

Not to be outdone, Melania then launched her own crypto, causing her husband’s token to plummet. Divorce lawyers are saying this is the first time they’ve seen a martial spat play out over Coinbase.

Meanwhile, Trump’s sons’ own crypto, ‘World Liberty Financial’ (whatever that means), flounders in obscurity much like the sons themselves.

Of all the contractors involved in the inauguration, only one lighting rigger refused to accept the new currency saying he only accepted ‘Moons’. All other transactions have reportedly been successful. The rigger in question has since been deported.

In other inauguration news, despite being in attendance, the long-anticipated Conor McGregor/Mark Zuckerberg face-off will not take place as both have agreed to bury the hatchet to commemorate this new political era. Jeff Bezos and Shou Zi Chew have expressed disappointment that they will no longer be able to tag-team the fight. Entertainment instead will consist of an elaborate 40-minute jumping gymnastics show performed by Elon Musk.

After his crowning, Trump plans to implement a list of 100 executive orders that range from January 6th pardons to turning the frogs back to being straight. That should keep everyone busy for a while.

In other other news, because why not just put this all in one place, the Washington Post has revealed that they’ve seen documents saying that Musk’s DOGE thingy will be sued on day one. It’s to do with government advisory committees, they have rules and everything for how those are implemented and Musk (and the other guy) didn’t follow any of those rules.

Now, Musk will say he’s not an advisory committee, but he’s not a government department either. You can’t just slap the word ‘department’ on a thing and claim it’s a government body. I know because I found out the hard way that the IRS can tell the difference between the Inland Revenue Service and my Indisputably (tax) Rebatable Saunaroom.

Regardless of what Musk’s DOGE turns out to be defined as, I suspect the first thing he might advise Trump to cut will be the people trying to sue him.

Tune into TikTok today to watch the inauguration live!

Charts with big upward-squiggling arrows are entering a boom period according to ‘Big Arrow’ the creators of what many are calling the most successful product since the spinning newspaper. This positive trend is predicted to squiggle down slightly at some point but will likely return to its upward trajectory in the near future.

Commenting on their recent success, Arnaldo Arnadson, CEO of Charts That Have A Big Arrow Squiggling Up Dot Com explained, “We’re very happy to see that charts with a big arrow squiggling upward are more popular than ever. I know some detractors have claimed these figures are false or that the chart is upside down, but if you take a look at this big chart here with an arrow squiggling upward you’ll see that that’s just not the case.”

The detractors to which Arnadson is eluding are likely the manufacturers of ‘charts with a big arrow squiggling down’ who once again reported record losses this quarter.

“Look I know an idiot when I sees one and Arnadson’s a grade-A idiot-a,” countered Darnaldo D. Darnadson. “The market’s down, down I tells ya! Here, just look at this chart that I happen to have with me:”

When it comes to graphs with big arrows squiggling in any direction it sure can be hard to know who to believe and that’s why this article is sponsored by big graphs with an arrow that just goes left to right, no change, no squiggles, nothing.

For decades graphs with an arrow that just goes straight across without changing have been consistently uneventful with zero fluctuation in price, success, or failure. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this graph.

Graphs with an arrow that just goes from left to right without going up or down at all are reliable, predictable, safe, sturdy, masculine and/or feminine. Bring one into your next board meeting and you’ll see a calm, confused silence enter the room. That’s what you can always expect from big arrow graph no change.

With a graph with an arrow that’s literally just a flat line you know what you’re in for. No surprise squiggles. No big statement, “Everything’s great!” or “Everything’s terrible!” just a blanket, “Nah. Things are the same, mate. Have a beer.”

So head on over to www.biggraphswithabigcartoonarrowthatgoeslefttorightbutdoesntfluctuateorsquiggleitjuststaysflatlikeperfectlyneutral.com and use the discount code ‘GREY’ for 0% off your first purchase. I’m sorry we can’t offer a real discount that would affect the graph.

With the TikTok ban potentially just days away, thousands of users are flooding to the Chinese social media platform, RedNote. Prompted by this shift, X owner, Musk X’d out that he had made an offer to buy the company.

Although Musk is now saying the offer was a joke, RedNote has accepted his offer and Musk now legally has two social media outlets that he doesn’t know what to do with.

The news comes after rumors that Musk would buy TikTok to avoid the government ban. Although TikTok denied the claims you never really know what those schemers are up to, huh? Probably trying to take down the government. We should take them down before it’s too late!

“We can’t be expected to comment on pure fiction,” said TikTok in response to the rumored Musk purchase which is ironic because by calling it “pure fiction” you are in fact commenting on it.

Donald Trump has told the Supreme Court to wait to rule on the TikTok ban until after he’s inaugurated because whatever happens, he wants to be the guy to do it. Unless no one likes the decision. In which case the Supreme Court can handle it.

This comes as no surprise as TikTok’s CEO met with Trump at Mar-al-ar-la recently. But that probably has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile on RedNote everyone’s having a WHALE of a government-sanctioned time. Chinese people are finally getting to talk to Americans and Americans are finally getting to see that life isn’t just Mac-Donalds and whipped cream (idk I’m just guessing that’s what Chinese people guess Americans are like).

Where does RedNote get its name I hear you ask? Well… It’s communism.

With Elon’s purchase of the site, however, users are likely to see at least three changes: 1. No more communism. 2. It won’t work. 2. More bots. 3. Donald Trump will have his account unbanned.

But that’s precisely the point. You want to reach the masses. You want to widen your audience. Influence more? Especially if you’ve got power and money. That power and money only goes so far unless you’ve got a megaphone to yell it. And here’s the thing, RedNote might just be that megaphone. Here’s the thing, TikTok’s alright, but RedNote now that’s where it’s at. Here’s the thing, I’m not being paid to say this. Yes, I have an account and yes I receive sponsorship but those are small payments, tiny, minuscule amounts and I’ve declared them on my tax form.

That’s not fake, that’s real money going in there but it in no way influences my decision to say that yes, REDNOTE IS THE BEST! (thumbs up emoji) and here’s the thing, not a lot of people are going to like it but I was born with my prostate outside of my body, I need the medical funds to keep it there and RedNote and the Chinese government are the only people to make that happen or I could die, I could literally die and if you think you’d be happy with letting a grown man die? Then be my guest but I’m not going to let Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg or any foreign governments push me around do you hear me?

Here’s the thing, not a lot of people like what I have to say but my userbase on RedNote does. TikTok they hate me because I tell it like it is. RedNote they don’t know what I’m saying but they enjoy the medical-based visuals. It’s less body horror and more body shaming if that makes sense and the Supreme Court wants to take that away from me? No. They got another thing coming.

And it’s Elon Musk and ByteDance or something Bite Dance? It’s when you dance when you’re eating. I’m eating right now but you rpoabbaly would’t know it because i can typea dn eat at the same ties without anby mistakesl!1 Sure, it’s not good for me to be plugged into this machine twenty-four sevens but someone has to do it namely me and my French assistant Genny. He’s a big boy now ever sine the surgery and that’s what we like about him strong muscles, large, bulbous forehead that kind of man your dad would like to be. He’s my best friend and lover and if you don’t like him well you can tell that to the judge.

I’ve got no reason not to say it so why should you? Look, my friends and I, we’ve got a lot to get off my chest if you like and I don’t care if that’s influenced by a Chinese, American or hell Martian government all that matters is that I get to say it. Me, me, me, me.

And if you don’t like it you can tell that to the judge and his name is Donald Trump and the thing is, you’re not going to believe it, but an AI didn’t even write this, a human did. A human typed out these words button by button and thought it was good enough to put out into the world forever. Think about that.

What is this world coming to where everyone has this power? I say, suppress the speech more. Make another amendment. Get rid of it all. You have the right to not speak and that’s it, how about that? Put the gun down, I’m talking and you’re going to sit your big ass down and listen. No one wants to hear this but it’s true and I’m going to print this out and nail it to my church’s door in the middle of the night. That’s the news and I’m sticking to it.

Elon Musk can suck my soul out from underneath me for all I care I’m not interested. Put that up your but and smoke it. Dreams like these aren’t made to be shared, OK? We’re almost at the limit, it’s ok, you can do it, one final push.

And THIS is the kind of free speech America wants to ban? Shameful.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ new New Glenn rocket was grounded from its first launch just six minutes before it was scheduled to blast off. Bezos reportedly commented, “Can’t lie, I am disappointed. I was really looking forward to leaving this hellhole of a planet.”

Bezos continued to explain that he had wanted to surprise everyone and “do a French exit” by only announcing his departure once the rocket was already in flight. “That way no one could have stopped me.”

When asked about his motivation for wanting to leave Earth, Bezos said, “It’s very simple: I despise this planet. I always have. There’s wars, there’s famine, there’s fires raging in California and only one of those is even my fault. I woke up one morning and just thought you know what, it’s time. And I recommend everyone build their own $2 billion rocket and do the same.”

Although the Amazon Prime boss did not explain where the rocket was going, many speculate that New Glenn’s final destination would have been Elon Musk’s secret base on Mars.

The colony, which is 100% real, features entirely automated luxury mansions for the ultra-wealthy. Ordinarily, however, billionaires would only go to Musk’s Martian Plaza when they ‘die’ and travel in rockets disguised as satellite launches. But for Bezos, clearly, he could not wait another seven years.

Ironically Jeff will have to wait a little longer as the rocket has been grounded after a “vehicle subsystem issue”, in layman’s terms: a fuck up. The rocket will likely launch at a currently undecided later date, but if I had to guess I’d say July 6th at 10:43 am.

Alongside Bezos’ secret escape, the New Glenn rocket is supposed to show off Blue Origin’s first orbit and reusable rocket landing. Bezos has denied any attempt to copy Elon Musk’s homework.

The New Glenn is so named after the first American to orbit the earth, John Glenn. He’s the old Glenn, whereas this rocket is new, so it’s New Glenn. If you are aware of any other Glenns, please let us know in the comments below.

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Trump Accidentally Ends Cold War

Max Profit• D

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