Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

In a bizarre story that is 100% real, a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto shaped like the Pokémon Charizard has just sold for nearly $90,000, prompting millions of people across America to search down the crevice between their couch cushions.

“It’s the new gold rush, for sure,” said part-time couch potato, Dogan Melisimby. “I found a Cheeto that looked just like Squirtle and thought, that’s for sure going to net me at least a mill but then I realised it was just chewing gum.”

The 3-inch-long snack, dubbed “Cheetozard” had been affixed to a custom Pokémon card and sealed in a plastic box for our own safety. Last year, the item went viral on social media and, due to its popularity, has now sold at auction for more money than any previous Charizard-shaped Cheeto.

How can that be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, the snack company behind Cheetos has now announced a range of Cheetos specifically cooked into Pokémon shapes thus immediately undercutting the entire market and making Cheetozard completely worthless.

New Pokémon shapes included in the branded Cheeto tie-in include: Ledian. Throh. Luvdisc. Avalugg. Wormadam. Delcatty. Uown. Glorporp. Duskclops. Regigigas. Garbodor. Sawk. Likwick. Okko. Trumbeak. Pogis. Spewpa. And everyone’s favourite… Dawn Wings Necrozma.

Each Cheéto-mon is worth $14,000.

Previous famous ‘Cheeto-likes’ (as they’re known on the street) include one that looked like Harambe the gorilla, which sold for $99,900, and one that looked exactly like my aunt. That last one didn’t sell, I gave it to her when I found it and she ate it immediately.

Wall Street Memes has reached out to Pepsi-Co (owners of Cheeto owners, Frito-Lay) for comment but as you well know we are forbidden from ever contacting them again after the previous incident.

Ohh, it’s Flamin’ like the dragon! I just got that. That’s cool. Haha, no wait, not ‘cool’ that’s ‘hot’ lol. Hot lol. Hahaha, I make myself laugh…

“I’M HERE, IN A CIRCLE AND IF I LEAVE I LOSE 5 BILLION DOLLARS!!!” shouts Mr. Beast, grinning ear to ear whilst somehow also maintaining no expression whatsoever.

Yes, this is the news that Mr. James Stephen “MrBeast” “Jimmy” Donaldson Beast III is looking to raise a few hundred million dollars in investments into the holding company that controls his various business assets. The fundraising would value his company at $5 billion which according to experts is a lot of money.

This funding round comes after Jimmy Beast was featured on the Diary Of A CEO podcast claiming that he lost “TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON BEAST GAMES” which may be true but also can’t be true since he’s keen to do a season 2. Anyway, that’s probably why he needs to raise the money, or maybe just so he can buy TikTok.

But what’s the real reason for the money? What’s the real reason for Ms. Beast in the first place? OK, he puts a lot of money into the videos but then he gets a lot of money back. But then he puts that money back into more videos. So the purpose of the money is the videos? Or is it the money? Do we really need Mr-Beast vids? Are they really that entertaining? Dare I ask, is it art? Or does it exist simply because it exists like an accidental child?

“BUT HERE’S THE CATCH,” continues MrBeast (one word it turns out). “I CAN’T LEAVE THIS CIRCLE OR I DIE!!!”

Wait, what? Jimmy, what do you mean you’ll die, you don’t have to die.

“THAT’S RIGHT I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT, DON’T PUSH ME!”

No, OK, Jimmy, we’ll get the money, please, just don’t leave the circle OK?

“OK, I WON’T LEAVE YET BUT YOU HAVE 48 HOURS TO GET ME $5 BILLION OR I’LL KILL MYSELF DON’T FORGET TO LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!!!”

Oh, ok, right, oh god, quickly where am I going to get the money? Wait, I thought you were worth 5bil not that you needed…

“I’LL DO ITTTT!!!!!!”

Ahh! OK! Oh god, he’s got a gun. I gotta go, but please, please give this millionaire more money, I beg of you, ok, ahhhhh…

Last week, the crypto world was left shooketh when North Korean hackers pulled off the single largest heist in history. Now, in a dramatic cooling of geopolitical tensions, North Korea has agreed to return the $15bn worth of stolen Ether, “When we feel like it.”

Speaking in a televised address, Kin Jong-un explained that they had the money but assured the rest of the world that they are just borrowing the funds and they would happily give it back once they had a Lambo and been “to da moon”.

The heist is rumored to have been carried out by ‘Lazarus Group’ a hacker group presumably named because they have been tasked with resurrecting North Korea’s dying economy. The group was linked to the Sony email hack in 2014 in which my cousin Darryl lost his job because everyone found out that he’d been emailing James Franco unsolicited erotica.

Whilst North Korea could not return my cousin Darryl’s emails, they can return the hacked $1.5bn in Ether and plan to do so! And I for one put my undying faith in the dedicated agents working for Pyongyang.

Bybit insists that the money was fully backed and they don’t actually need the crypto returned which sounds a little fishy to me, a little hmmmmmmmm if you ask me a mmmmmm, ok?? A little, ohhhhh hmmmmmm mmmmmhmmmmm? You might say.

Whilst Bybit was able to replace all the money this is a completely different scenario to when the government just prints money willy nilly so don’t even bring it up, ok?

The money was stolen from a ‘cold wallet’ which is a crypto wallet that’s stored in a fridge rather than your pocket. How the hackers were able to get inside the fridge when it’s not even an internet fridge is anybody’s guess and Bybit’s employees are looking into the matter probably.

For more updates on this developing story probably look somewhere else, we’re not a real news source.

President Elected, Donald Trump has officially ended almost a century of Cold War tensions between Russia and America seemingly by accident.

In an effort to end American spending on aid for Ukraine (and in no way influenced by Russian propaganda), Trump has opted for a softer approach on Putin, a U-turn on decades of US foreign policy. But hey why not? ‘If it ain’t fixed, break it’.

For months, Trump has criticized Ukrainian Volodymyr Zelenskyy calling him, “A terrible replacement for the voice of Paddington.” Additionally, the White House instructed its UN envoy to vote in favor of Russia in two UN resolutions that they all agree that ‘war is bad’, whatever that means.

Donald Trump is expected to accept his Nobel Peace Prize on Monday.

For all you history nerds, you might not know but the Cold War was a period of political tension between Russia and America beginning in 1947. The war is so named because unlike during the ‘hot’ war of World War II, slightly fewer people died during the ‘cold’ war of the Cold War. Although the war ended in 1991, modern politics is fundamentally shaped by the conflict and Putin himself has worked hard to bring it back, baby.

However, Donald Trump has stopped Putin in his tracks and, in a surprise plot twist, sided with the dictator. So now America’s enemy is its friend which means that its friend’s enemy is its friend. … Either way, France isn’t happy or something.

French President (still) Emmanuel Macron recently met with American President (still) Donald Trump to do a cool handshake and correct him on details of Ukraine funding. Whether France will become part of Russia in the negotiations or not is still very much on the table.

Whilst it is true that the Cold War and Donald Trump are roughly the same age there is no truth in the rumor that both are connected by an invisible life force. Yes, there is a prophecy foretelling of the arrival of an “orange dawn that shalt warm the war of frost” but there is no way of knowing to whom this refers.

Russian propagandist, Dimitri Bolocolov commented that he was dismayed to hear that Cold War II was coming to an end but, “I will continue to Tweet as @americanpatriot69, he has become part of me and I cannot give him up,” he said.

THIS JUST IN: A ‘Wite Hose’ press release has confirmed the news that Eoln Musk has “fried all government smell chekers” [sic].

The announcement does not clarify who these smell chekers were or what their role in government entailed but it is believed that they were tasked with smelling Eoln Musk (no relation) once a day to make sure he didn’t live up to his name.

Reportedly, these chekers have now been “fried”. Precisely what this means is unclear. The frying is presumed to be figurative, like, they just got shouted at or something. Some however speculate that these government officials were literally dropped into a vat of boiling government oil until they gained a delicious crispy exterior.

It remains unclear if this latest news is in any way related to Elon Musk’s mass firing of government employees. In the past week, the Trump administration has fired over 1000 USAID workers and placed 4000 more on leave, effectively ending the AIDs crisis for good.

Oh, hold on a second, I’m getting word from our producers… Yes, THIS JUST IN: the smell cheker frying is INDEED related to the government worker firing. You see, ahh, ok, hahaha, ahhh I see what’s happened here, this is all a big mix up, let me explain:

Musk did indeed fire the government employee tasked with frying in the White House canteen. This meant the smell chekers had to man this station instead. However when Eoln Musk (no relation) realized that he needed to make more government cuts he pushed the smell chekers into the frying vats. Right, it all makes sense now.

Now, this frying might appear to be cold-blooded murder, BUT, as Musk is himself a government employee he is legally not qualified to murder anyone so it doesn’t count.

Please note that all government spell checkers are still under employment and I don’t know what gave you the idea that they weren’t.

WSM reached out to Dnoald Turmp but he has yet to comment on this developing story.

In a groundbreaking scientific breakthrough, a team of researchers has discovered a way to extract energy from dad jokes. The team, led by Dr. Richard ‘Dick’ Pun (no relation), professor of humor studies at the University of Minnesota, made the discovery while studying the thermodynamics of laughter.

“We noticed that when people laugh at dad jokes, they tend to release a small amount of energy, like, really small, normally just a tiny exhale through the nose, but still,” said Dick Pun. “At first, we thought it was just a coincidence, but after further research, we realized that there was a definite correlation between dad jokes and energy production. Like how cabbage makes you fart.”

The researchers believe that dad jokes work by tapping into a previously unknown form of energy called “pun energy” or ‘punergy’ if you will. Pun energy is a type of potential energy that is stored in the brain and released when a person tells or hears a dad joke.

“Pun energy is a very powerful force, some say too natural,” said Dr. Dick. “Here’s a pun fact for you: punergy is estimated to be several orders of magnitude stronger than nuclear energy pound for pun-ound.”

The discovery of pun energy has the potential to revolutionize the world’s energy supply. If scientists can figure out how to harness pun energy, it could provide a clean, renewable source of power for generations to come.

“Imagine a world where our homes and businesses are powered by dad jokes,” said Dick. “It would be a much funnier and more sustainable world. And it would give dads something to do.”

The researchers are currently working on developing a device that can convert pun energy into electricity. They hope to have a prototype ready for testing within the next year.

“We’re excited about the potential of pun energy,” said Dr. Pun. “It has the pun-tential to change the world. I’m trying to think of a pun to go here, but I apologize I am not a father.”

President-Of-The-Hour Donald Jeffery Trump has announced a 25% import tariff on any steel and aluminum entering the United States forcing beverage companies to reduce their soda can size by at least 25%.

A spokesperson from CoCo Kola (no relation) commented that, “We wholeheartedly agree with the president’s decision to tax aluminium. As so called shrinkflation hits families down and up America we see this as a great opportunity to make a quick profit. Now, everyone’s favortie delicious Kola will come in a ‘fun-sized’ variety at the same price.”

Doctors agree that this is better for everyone. “I myself don’t drink CoCo Kola,” said Dr. U, head of the physical studies department of humans at the University of Guam. “But if I did I would probably be obese. No, this way people won’t drink as much CoCo Kola, which can only be good for everyone. Particularly me. Because I’m spiteful.”

Speaking from Air Force One, Mr. Trump explained the change, “AMERICA HAS BEEN LAST FOR TOO LONG!!” he said, somehow speaking in all-caps. “NOW SODA CANS WILL BE SMALLER SO YOUR HANDS LOOK BIGGER! A WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE WITH HANDS!”

Trump-a-licious

Likely hit hardest by this change are Canada, Brazil and Mexico who make up the majority of America’s aluminium trading numbers. Mexico says if it cannot trade aluminium then it will be forced to trade drugs instead.

Little does Trump know that Air Force One and other planes are also made of metals that will be hit by the tariff. A significantly reduced size for the Presidential Plane will likely cause issues for the President who has stated in the past that he likes planes to be “big”.

“We’re going to make America great again, one tiny soda can at a time,” Trump said at a rally in Ohio. “And let me tell you, these new cans are going to be tremendous. They’re going to be so small, you’ll be able to fit them in your pocket. And they’re going to be so affordable, you’ll be able to buy a six-pack for the same price as a single can before.”

Consumers, however, are not as enthusiastic about the new tariffs. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage, with some even calling for a boycott of soda.

“This is ridiculous,” said one Twitter.com user. “I’m not going to pay the same price for half the soda. I’m going to switch to water, which I hate.”

Continuing the expansion of the Trump real estate empire, the ‘yes-it’s-only-been-two-weeks-President’ Donald Trump has announced a new golf course in the Gaza Strip.

The new course will add to Trump’s latest property developments in Greenland and the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry, ‘Gulf of America’, sorry, ‘Golf of America’.

What precisely will happen to the 2 million people who don’t want to live on a golf course? Well, you know, maybe they could, I dunno, do you have any ideas?

“You know Gaza’s interesting,” Trump previously said explaining his plans for the territory, “It’s a phenomenal location, on the sea, best weather, you know everything’s good, some beautiful things could be done with it.” The President stopped short of saying, those ‘things’ were a big ol’ golf course.

The America First President intent on slashing government explained his planned new purchase recently at a press conference with Benji Netenyahoo, “The US will take over the Gaza Strip and we’ll do a job with it too.” What, ‘a job’? What does that MEAN? “We’ll own it and be responsible for dismantling all the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site.” Ok, I guess that clears things up.

So the plan is, in response to a terrorist attack, America is going to go in and take control of a Middle Eastern country under the pretense of disabling weapons…

…Those who repeat history are doomed to learn a lesson from it, or something like that.

Not-America Unhappy With Trump Plan

Countries across the world and beyond have condemned the plan as “bad”. But to be fair though, Kamala Harris would have done a way worse job, so I don’t think they’re allowed to complain actually.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was one of the few leaders not to condemn the announcement, saying, “Heheheeh, now you see! Taking a place just because you want it is not such a bad thing!”

What does this mean for the ceasefire I hear you ask? Well, that’s… That’s also a question. Hey, maybe both sides really want a golf course. Oh, you did? And they don’t? Ok, well, then let’s not ask them.

Experts Weigh In

Political commentator and Palestinian-Israeli relations expert, ‘Douglas ‘n’ Texas’ (@douglasntexas) weighed in on the complex issue with a simple three-step plan:

“MGGA: Make Gaza Great Again. Although I am not sure it ever was great. However, an end to the violence over there would be a nice change for the people of Gaza and Israel. Step 1: Get rid of the Muslim extremist twisting up the religion for their own personal profit. Step 2: Educate their women. Step 3: Educate their children.” (Punctuation added for clarity)

Problem solved, thanks Doug.

Trump fan and Middle Eastern politics expert — ‘Douglas In Texas’, the man (and definitely not an AI bot) who solved the Palestine-Israel war

It’s Trade-War Tuesdays at Trump Tower, or as lay people might describe it, ‘family board game night’. For the Trumps there’s only one board game in town and that’s the king of cutthroat capitalistic conniving. No, not Monopoly, the Trumps only play Catan.

The classic German trading game is only 4-player, but you know the Trumps forked out for the 6-player expansion long ago. Obviously, that’s still not enough for the whole gang, Donald, Melania, Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eris, Tiffany, and Barron (not a real baron) so normally they just don’t invite Tiffany.

Trump Catan Tweet — Donald Trump has been a Catan fan since before X was X

But this week, Tiffany is now a welcome guest because, for the first time, Donald Trump has been barred from his own family Catan night.

It all began last Tuesday when Melania was in desperate need of sheep but her only source was her loving husband. Melania needed just three more sheep to give her the resources to upgrade her towns to cities and earn enough victory points to win the game. Donald knew this and as the sole producer of sheep, he held all the cards… sheep cards.

Trump Remains Sheepish On Trade

Trump refused point blank to trade. No matter how persuasive Melania’s puppy eyes were, Trump would not cave. This significantly soured the mood of the normally jovial game. Don Jr., who also needed sheep (not to build anything, just because he likes sheep) was also iced out. The rest of the children didn’t really need sheep and just wanted an excuse to talk to Dad. But all they could get out of him for the rest of the game was an angry, ‘no’.

Things took another turn when Eric pointed out that this way, no one would win. In fact, Donald still needed the brick resource to complete his longest road. The only way for everyone to get along and for the game to continue would be if they all started trading again. This was met with another curt ‘no’ and a threat to build a wall around Eric’s tiles.

Eventually, Melania caved. She gave Donald the brick he needed, but at the much lower trade of just one sheep. Melania could not complete her cities. Donald, however, was able to smugly steam ahead with his longest road, a beautiful road, and win the game.

And THAT is why, Donald has been barred from all future family Trump Tower Catan nights. So, who’s the real winner here, hmm?

Predictably unpredictable, Donald Trump has broken from tradition by funding his inauguration entirely with memecoin cryptocurrencies. All payments and transactions have been made with the $TRUMP token, from hiring Kid Rock to bribing supporters not to riot.

Trump’s choice of payment method is unusual since previous inaugurations were paid for solely in United States American Dollars. Reagan’s ceremony is the only exception as that was partially funded by Iranian Rials.

Trump launched his official cryptocurrency in the run-up to signing in, despite thinking ‘meme’, ‘crypto’, and ‘Solana’ were all brands of yogurt. Immediately after launch, Trump’s coin surged to over $5bn dollars in value which will definitely turn out well for everyone involved.

Not to be outdone, Melania then launched her own crypto, causing her husband’s token to plummet. Divorce lawyers are saying this is the first time they’ve seen a martial spat play out over Coinbase.

Meanwhile, Trump’s sons’ own crypto, ‘World Liberty Financial’ (whatever that means), flounders in obscurity much like the sons themselves.

Of all the contractors involved in the inauguration, only one lighting rigger refused to accept the new currency saying he only accepted ‘Moons’. All other transactions have reportedly been successful. The rigger in question has since been deported.

In other inauguration news, despite being in attendance, the long-anticipated Conor McGregor/Mark Zuckerberg face-off will not take place as both have agreed to bury the hatchet to commemorate this new political era. Jeff Bezos and Shou Zi Chew have expressed disappointment that they will no longer be able to tag-team the fight. Entertainment instead will consist of an elaborate 40-minute jumping gymnastics show performed by Elon Musk.

After his crowning, Trump plans to implement a list of 100 executive orders that range from January 6th pardons to turning the frogs back to being straight. That should keep everyone busy for a while.

In other other news, because why not just put this all in one place, the Washington Post has revealed that they’ve seen documents saying that Musk’s DOGE thingy will be sued on day one. It’s to do with government advisory committees, they have rules and everything for how those are implemented and Musk (and the other guy) didn’t follow any of those rules.

Now, Musk will say he’s not an advisory committee, but he’s not a government department either. You can’t just slap the word ‘department’ on a thing and claim it’s a government body. I know because I found out the hard way that the IRS can tell the difference between the Inland Revenue Service and my Indisputably (tax) Rebatable Saunaroom.

Regardless of what Musk’s DOGE turns out to be defined as, I suspect the first thing he might advise Trump to cut will be the people trying to sue him.

Tune into TikTok today to watch the inauguration live!

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