Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Amazon has ordered an end to hybrid working and for all staff to return to their offices, but has made an exception for their drivers who will now be working entirely remotely.

“Amazon’s culture is innovative, inventive and collaborative and our delivery team have no place in that culture,” explained Managing Head Chief Spokesperson Jeffrey B. Bezos (no relation) in a memo performed at a private reading this week.

“We’ve been trying to eliminate the ‘human element’ from our distribution network for some time now. We looked into using drones but the robots have better unions. So, going forward we’re going to be implementing the same tech Tesla uses for their self-driving cars: just some guy sat at home with a video game controller and a patchy internet connection.”

When asked whether this change would affect one-day delivery, J.B. responded, “Please, save your questions for after the performance.” When asked again after the performance, J.B. responded, “No, if anything it’ll make it faster because the drivers won’t need to slow down to pee into bottles anymore.”

As to how the packages would be loaded and unloaded from the vans without a driver, the spokesperson mumbled something about catapults and then claimed not to work for the company. “Of course another solution, and I’m just spitballing here, you could just collect the package from the driver’s house, save this whole ‘delivery’ rigmarole. Can’t have packages on your doorstep overnight if they never left the drivers’ doorstep.”

Concerning the decision to end WFH practices for other staff members, Jeff continued, “Our culture is that of a start-up, the kind that’s just thrown together in your garage with sticky tape and string and monopolizes the online shopping sector.”

“A start-up is lean, not like this cumbersome behemoth we’re now saddled with, so we’re going to fire 15% of our managers (not including me though). A start-up is innovative and that only ever happens in person. What, you think a company like Amazon is going to use the internet?” *spits* “Start-ups aren’t ‘work from home’ (the garage isn’t technically part of the home) so get your ass back in this office! Not you though, drivers, you guys have a weird smell.”

In the wake of the recent cancellation of the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), many in the gaming community have been left pondering their next moves. Among them is 28-year-old Alex Martin, who, in an exclusive interview, shared his deep reflections on life without the beloved event and his subsequent decisions. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, Martin’s soul-searching journey led him right back to his gaming chair.

“I really thought this would be a turning point for me,” Martin said, staring wistfully at his impressive, yet now slightly redundant, collection of E3 memorabilia. “I figured, ‘Hey, no E3, time to explore new horizons.’ But after some intense contemplation, which lasted about the duration of a coffee break, I realized my true calling: to continue my 14th playthrough of the witcher 3”

Despite the potential for newfound freedom, Martin admits that his daily routine remains largely unchanged. “I guess some would say I should use this time to learn a new skill, maybe pick up knitting or finally start that podcast about retro games. But honestly, I’ve found great comfort in the familiar glow of my triple-monitor setup.”

Martin’s mother, Susan, who had initially celebrated the news of E3’s cancellation, hoping her son would venture into new pursuits or, at the very least, fix the squeaky door in the living room, expressed her mild disappointment. “I had high hopes that Alex would use this time to explore new interests. Maybe even go on a date. But he just keeps gaming. His bed sores are getting worse, as is the smell.'”

Having doubled down on gaming time, Martin has taken to wearing an adult diaper whilst gaming, stating, “It’s all about efficiency – If I take bathroom breaks then I’m wasting my time.

As the gaming community continues to grapple with the loss of their annual pilgrimage, stories like Martin’s serve as a reminder of the resilience and adaptability of gamers. “E3 was like Christmas for us gamers,” Martin said, pausing his game for a rare moment of reflection. “But I’ve got my games, my chair, and my diapers Life goes on, one level at a time.”

In the absence of E3, Martin and countless others like him are finding solace in the familiar worlds contained within their consoles and computers, proving that even in the face of change, some habits die hard, if at all.

Washington, D.C. — As President Joe Biden celebrates his 81st birthday, a group of innovative geologists have proposed a groundbreaking method to measure his age: wind erosion analysis. This unconventional approach, typically used for dating cliffs and mineral deposits, is now being hailed as the next big thing in presidential age assessment.

“The method has proven incredibly accurate for aging fossils, so it only makes sense to apply it to the President,” stated Dr. Sandy Rockwell, a leading geologist known for her work in sedimentary structures. “Our team has been closely monitoring the effects of wind erosion on President Biden, and the results are promising.”

The proposal, while met with some skepticism, has sparked interest in various scientific communities. Experts in geomorphology have already begun developing models to correlate the President’s exposure to natural elements with his age, citing that the technique could revolutionize how we view aging in political figures.

Not to be outdone, dendrochronologists have come forward with their unique method of age determination. “If we take a cross-section of the President, we could theoretically count the rings to determine his age, much like we do with trees,” explained Dr. Woody Barkman, a specialist in tree-ring dating. “While the practical application of this method might be challenging, the science behind it is solid.”

Amid these scientific breakthroughs, the White House has yet to issue an official response. Sources close to the administration, however, reveal that President Biden is amused by the creative methods proposed by the scientific community.

As the debate continues, one thing remains clear: the age of President Biden has become a topic of national interest, transcending traditional boundaries and entering the realms of both science and satire.

In what experts are calling a “revolutionary simplification” of healthcare, the U.S. government has unveiled its new healthcare strategy, aptly named “Just Walk It Off.” This groundbreaking plan transforms the complex web of healthcare policies into a single, straightforward directive: when in doubt, walk out.

The “Walk it Off” plan aims to kill two birds with one stone. The average US hospital bill is $12,974, and over 870,000 hospital visits are related to obesity. The proposed new bill will tackle both of these issues head on.

The Secretary of Health, in a recent press conference, stated, “From sprained ankles to stress, our policy recommends a brisk walk. It’s an all-encompassing solution, blending cost-efficiency with an active lifestyle.”

This novel approach has stirred a mixed pot of reactions. Critics argue that it dangerously oversimplifies healthcare needs, while supporters applaud its uncomplicated nature. “Gone are the days of deciphering insurance plans. Just lace up those sneakers and hit the pavement,” said a government spokesperson.

In line with the new policy, walking tracks, labeled ‘Healthways,’ are set to spring up nationwide. The government also announced a retraining program for medical professionals, converting traditional doctors into ‘Walking Coaches.’ These coaches will specialize in offering motivational chants and tracking step counts rather than medical prescriptions.

An anonymous official joked, “If you think you’re having a heart attack, just walk faster. That should pump the blood more efficiently, right?”

When queried about handling serious illnesses, the Secretary responded, “Our research indicates a good walk might not cure cancer, but it’ll definitely get your mind off it. For those insistent on traditional treatment, we suggest jogging as an alternative.”

Rumor has it that deals are already in the works with Nike and Taylor Swift to provide “Just Walk it Off” soundtrack and footwear.

The plan, albeit met with skepticism, has found some earnest supporters. “I walked off my last flu,” claimed a self-proclaimed health guru. “Sure, it took three weeks longer to recover, but think of the calories burned!”

Doctors have voiced concerns, with one commenting, “Next, they’ll suggest we walk to the moon to cure insomnia.”

As the nation prepares to embrace this ‘one-step solution,’ the government remains optimistic. “It’s a stride towards health liberation,” the Secretary said, concluding the press conference while briskly walking in place. “Remember, America, just walk it off – unless it’s a broken leg, then maybe hop.”

In the wild world of retail, Black Friday is the ultimate showdown. We’ve scoured the internet to find experts on how to survive Black Friday, from animal behaviorists to survival experts. So strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for Black Friday.

1. Limber Up: The Pre-Shop Stretch

Before you even think about braving the concrete jungle of Best Buy, remember: flexibility is key. We’re not just talking about your budget. A full pre-shopping stretch session is crucial. You don’t want to pull a hamstring lunging for the last PS5. Yoga, pilates, interpretive dance – whatever gets those muscles loose for the ensuing battle.

2. Buddy Up

Everything’s better with friends, including choking out an elderly woman for the last toaster on the shelf. Bring a buddy, or better yet, a whole entourage. They can form a human shield while you grab the goods, or at least document your shopping heroics for social clout.

3. Mark Your Territory

It’s a timeless law of nature. If you piss on it, it belongs to you. Go crazy, get one of those hydration packs and just pee on anything that you want- hell pee on stuff you only might want. It’s worth noting two things about this method. Firstly, don’t pee on anything that’s plugged in or wired. Secondly, some stores may look down on this behavior, but just tell them you self-identify as a wolf and you should be golden.

4. Arm Yourself

It’s every American’s right to bear arms. So get strapped. There’s nothing that asserts dominance in the aisles of Walmart than strolling in like Neo at the end of the first Matrix movie. As it’s every American citizen’s right to bear arms, you may encounter other groups, which could lead to a Mexican standoff. Basically it’s a win-win.

Conclusion: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart

Black Friday is not for the faint of heart. If this guide seems a bit extreme, well, maybe online shopping from the comfort of your couch is more your speed. No judgment here – those flash sales can be just as exhilarating, and the only thing you risk pulling is a muscle reaching for your credit card.

Wall Street has been reeling this week as the notorious “Inverse Cramer Effect” wreaks havoc, turning conventional market wisdom on its head. The phenomenon, named after financial pundit Jim Cramer, has become the buzz of the New York Stock Exchange after a series of astonishingly contrary outcomes following his stock endorsements—or lack thereof.

Take-Two Interactive’s shares have soared a staggering 46% since Cramer’s televised caution against buying the stock. “I don’t know what elixir Cramer’s sipping on, but I’ll have a double,” quipped an anonymous floor trader, who now tapes Cramer’s ‘Sell’ recommendations above his desk for inspiration.

Excitement over the upcoming release of “Grand Theft Auto 6” has propelled Take-Two into the financial stratosphere, in direct opposition to Cramer’s advice. “When Jim said ‘no,’ I heard ‘go,'” shared a mischievous analyst, who admits she now watches Cramer’s show with her finger poised over the ‘buy’ button.

Contrastingly, the dating app Bumble, once adorned with Cramer’s praise, has taken a nosedive, with stocks plummeting nearly 80% since his endorsement. It was back in February when Cramer confidently told his audience, “If you’re a growth-oriented investor, Bumble’s the way to go.” This statement has since become infamous among traders, prompting a jaded broker to say, “That Cramer quote on Bumble was like a bad pickup line—it seemed promising at first, but ended in disappointment.”

As a result of these bizarre market reactions, Wall Street’s elite have been left to ponder the paradox that is Jim Cramer’s financial advice. “It’s almost supernatural,” a veteran investor said, shaking his head. “If he says ‘buy,’ we brace for impact. And if he says ‘sell,’ we’re basically seeing dollar signs.”

Jim Cramer’s staff, meanwhile, are rumored to be exploring the launch of a new inverse ETF, cheekily dubbed “The Cramer Contrarian,” which would automatically invest in the opposite direction of Cramer’s calls. As for Cramer himself, he’s yet to comment on the phenomenon, but many on Wall Street wonder if his next book might be titled “The Bearish Bull: How to Prosper by Doing the Opposite of What I Say.”

In the high-stakes casino of Wall Street, where fortunes are made and lost on the spin of the fiscal wheel, the Inverse Cramer Effect has become the wildcard no one saw coming, turning the market into the world’s most lucrative guessing game. “In this market,” an anonymous strategist observed, “Cramer doesn’t just ring the bell at the top and bottom—he is the bell.”

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) conducted a night time raid on the residence of an Iowa man, Cash Rich, after he recklessly conducted a financial transaction amounting to $601 via Venmo. This amount, perilously tipping over the $600 threshold, was ostensibly for an autographed noose, a rare piece of memorabilia signed by none other than financial guru Jim Cramer.

Rich, unaware of the financial tornado he had triggered, described the scene: “It was a quiet morning, and I was just watching reruns of ‘Mad Money,’ waiting for my precious collectible. The next thing I know, the IRS is at my door with a battering ram, a SWAT team, and what I am pretty sure was an armored tank.”

In what neighbors are calling an “absolute overkill,” agents reportedly punted Rich’s bewildered pug, Dollar, across the living room, asserting dominance over all household beings, taxable or not. In a bizarre turn of events, one over-enthusiastic agent allegedly chugged the water from a fishbowl, swallowing Rich’s goldfish, Goldie, in a display of authority that has animal rights activists up in arms.

“The goldfish was an innocent bystander,” a visibly shaken Rich shared, mourning both his pet and his now-seized Jim Cramer noose.

This raid comes amidst widespread criticism of the IRS’s policies, which many feel unfairly target the middle class and blatantly ignore the uber-wealthy and large corporations’ financial gymnastics. Billionaires are often spotted rocketing into space, essentially waving from the stratosphere at the tax codes they’ve skillfully sidestepped.

“We assure the public, no amount is too small for us to launch a full-scale operation on,” an IRS spokesperson stated, standing proudly in front of a graph showing a significant portion of their annual budget was allocated to ‘Operation Petty Cash.’

Meanwhile, banks and multinational corporations are reportedly high-fiving each other, getting back to the serious business of hiding trillions of dollars in offshore accounts and under lavish Renaissance-style paintings.

As for Cash Rich, the future looks grim. He’s currently facing a 15-year sentence, not for tax evasion, but for the emotional distress caused to the IRS agents forced to touch his “middle-class belongings.”

The IRS has issued a stern warning to citizens, advising them to keep their transactions neat, under $600, and as boringly legal as possible, lest they wish to face the wrath of Uncle Sam’s financially strained henchmen.

In what analysts are calling an “unprecedented artificial intelligence citation catastrophe,” shares of Alphabet Inc. nosedived after executives failed to mention “AI” a minimum of 100 times during their latest earnings call. The final count, a meager 79, has shaken investor confidence, leading to a frenzied sell-off in the tech sector.

Sources inside Alphabet claim that the company had a ‘three-digit mention’ strategy, betting on the hypnotic power of the term “AI” to woo investors. “We had one job: say ‘AI’ until they were so mesmerized, they wouldn’t notice any other details,” shared an anonymous staff member, visibly distressed by the stock’s plunge.

The earnings call, now infamously being referred to as “The 79-AI Disaster,” had analysts scrambling for their buzzword bingo cards, puzzled by the sudden silence on artificial intelligence. “It was like waiting for a sneeze that never comes,” said one Wall Street analyst, who claims the tension was palpable with each passing minute void of “AI” mentions.

In response to the crisis, Alphabet’s PR team is reportedly planning to release a new series of press statements, tentatively titled “AI: We Still Use It, We Swear!” Meanwhile, marketing is working on branding merchandise with “AI <3” for their executives to wear at public events.

Rumors are also swirling about Alphabet’s emergency initiatives to regain investor trust. Insiders report a proposal for an ‘AI jar,’ where executives must deposit $1,000 every time they fail to mention AI in public discussions. Proceeds are expected to fund a new program aimed at teaching AI systems to automatically interject with “Don’t forget about AI!” in all company presentations.

As the market reels from the 79-mention shock, other tech giants are taking note, with one CEO spotted frantically scribbling “AI, AI, AI…” in preparation for their next earnings call. The industry waits with bated breath to see if Alphabet can AI-its way back to Wall Street’s heart.

In a courtroom drama that’s already making headlines around the globe, the ongoing trial of Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has taken an even more bizarre twist. Known for its unprecedented nature, given the collapse of the FTX crypto exchange and the billions lost by its investors, the trial has now introduced a new, rather hairy artist to its proceedings.

In a world-first, and perhaps in a bid to capture the essence of the trial’s unique character, the US court has employed a chimpanzee to paint portraits from the courtroom. Yes, you read that right—a chimp with a paintbrush, dabbling in the fine arts right in the middle of one of the most talked-about trials of the decade.

The decision to use a chimp, according to inside sources, was an attempt to maintain the level of intellect of the average FTX investor while ensuring objectivity. After all, chimps are well-known for their indifference to the volatile world of cryptocurrencies. “It’s a well-known fact that chimps prefer bananas over Bitcoin,” one courtroom observer quipped.

However, early images emerging from the courtroom have raised eyebrows and elicited chuckles. The portraits, while undeniably unique, have led some to speculate that the chimp artist might be…intoxicated. Brush strokes that resemble more of a wild dance than a calculated movement, colors splashed with reckless abandon, and what appears to be the occasional banana smear have all added to the intrigue.

“It’s clear that this chimp might have had one too many fermented fruits before his courtroom debut,” said a local art critic, trying to stifle his laughter.

While the world waits for the outcome of the SBF trial, one thing is certain: the chimp’s artwork will be remembered for years to come, serving as a colorful (and slightly blurry) reminder of the time when the worlds of crypto, law, and primate artistry collided.

In the end, whether SBF is found guilty or not, the chimp has already stolen the show, proving once again that in the world of finance and trials, expect the unexpected. And maybe, just maybe, keep the fermented fruits away from the artist.

NEW YORK, NY – CNBC’s “Mad Money” host Jim Cramer, known for his often erratic and historically inaccurate stock predictions, has recently posed with custom Kellogg cereal boxes featuring his own image. While intended as a playful nod to his influence, Wall Street insiders are bracing for potential turbulence in the breakfast food sector.

The limited-edition “Cramer Wheaties” and “Frosted Jim Flakes” have become the talk of the town. However, given Cramer’s track record, many are speculating that this endorsement might be the kiss of death for Kellogg’s stock.

which stock do you dislike more pic.twitter.com/ky1hS4xRaZ
— Jim Cramer (@jimcramer) October 3, 2023

“It’s like seeing a storm cloud on the horizon,” said Wall Street analyst Ima Short. “When Cramer gives something the thumbs up, I immediately start looking for an umbrella.”

While the cereal stocks remain steady for now, the mere association with Cramer has other breakfast-related companies on edge. From orange juice producers to toaster pastry magnates, boardrooms are buzzing with the question: “Will the Cramer Effect hit us next?”

Local diners and breakfast joints are also watching the situation closely. “If Cramer’s cereal endorsement goes the way of his past stock picks, I might have to start pushing the lunch specials a bit earlier,” mused Joe Frycook, owner of Joe’s Morning Diner.

In anticipation of potential stock market breakfast blues, several breakfast companies are preemptively strategizing. Rumors suggest they’re launching a campaign titled “Breakfast: Too Good to Be Cramer’d,” aiming to fortify the public’s love for the first meal of the day.

When reached for comment about the potential fallout from his cereal endorsement, Cramer responded with his signature bravado. “Hey, maybe this time will be different! And if not… there’s always lunch.”

As the breakfast industry holds its collective breath, many are left wondering: will Cramer’s Midas touch of misfortune strike again? Only time will tell.

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