Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

PENSACOLA, FL: Local man Gary Siphonson, (unless you’re not local to him, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you) has made his New Year resolution to learn how to juggle for the fifth time in a row, humiliating family, friends, co-workers and Jesus.

The incident occurred on New Year’s Eve when Mr. Siphonson was involved in a light-hearted discussion concerning resolutions with family members. According to witnesses, everyone took turns to say what they would like to achieve or change or give up in the next year but when it came to Gary’s turn he stated, “Errr, I dunno. I think I’ll pick up juggling.”

“For the love of God, Gary, pick something else,” lamented sister Georgie upon hearing the news. “You’re not going to learn to juggle, you’re never going to learn to juggle. You said you were going to learn to juggle last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that. Just admit it, it’s not going to happen.”

“You haven’t touched my balls all year,” added Shannon, Gary’s wife. “I bought you those juggling balls when you first mentioned you wanted to learn and I think I saw you practicing once before you said it was too hard and threw one at the dog which really frightened him and I had to clean up the mess he made while you went and sulked in the corner. I’m starting to think twice about buying you those miniature chainsaws for Christmas.”

When encouraged to display what he had learned from five years of juggling resolutions, Mr. Siphonson stubbornly snatched up three eggs and a wine bottle, said, “Watch this,” then threw the items at the ceiling. Mr. Siphonson ducked to avoid the egg yolks and shattered glass but failed to dodge most of the debris. After a moment of silence in which everyone stared speechless at the egg-covered man, Mr. Siphonson, 46, burst into tears and ran from the room.

When reached for comment, Mr. Siphonson said, “I don’t know why anyone cares, it’s just a stupid game. I just say juggling so people stop asking, I didn’t think they would take it seriously. This is the least wonderful time of the year ever.”

It seems unlikely that next year Mr. Siphonson will take on his family’s advice and make his New Year’s resolution to think up an original New Year’s resolution.

If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year, that’s for sure. Of all the years preceding this one (1898 or 1310 for example), this year is certainly the one that has been experienced most recently.

So, as this year draws to a close let’s look back and reminisce on all the best year-end lists from this year.

Number 8: The Bucklinville Enquirer’s Annual Best Films List

Only a few hundred people have ever visited Bucklinville, Nebraska and even fewer have heard of it. But this town’s local newspaper lists the best films of the year and it is the ONLY film list that correctly ranks the year’s films. When it comes to taste, Bucklinville can’t be beat.

Number 7: Barak Obama’s Favorite Books, Music and Movies List

I for one think it’s utterly repulsive that this man has all this free time to read and enjoy himself when he should be running the country. I don’t care if you tell me he’s not the president, I know he’s secretly still pulling the strings and he should really take that job more seriously.

Number 6: Top 6 Best Colonoscopies of the Year

This one comes from a medical journal and I know it might seem invasive at first, but it’s a probing read that dug deep to identify exactly what makes a good colonoscopy so revealing. Well worth a peek.

Number 5: Spotify Wrapped

Who doesn’t love music? You, apparently. You only listened to 107,000 hours of music, 6,456 artists, and 2 million individual genres this year. You’re a goddamn failure and an embarrassment, you know that right?

Number 4: My Annual ‘Ex-Girlfriends Ranked’ List

You probably haven’t seen this one because it goes out in my electronic mail newsletter each year, but every year I rank all three of my ex-girlfriends. I know that might not seem like it’s related to this year, but trust me my opinion of who gets the top spot varies WILDLY, year in year out. Plus there are always some more honorable mentions for the ‘one’s that got away’ portion of the newsletter.

Number 3: Schindler’s List

Just a solid film and a solid list so it always gets a spot on my best lists list. One of the best lists to ever do it.

Number 2: Just Any Solid To-Do List

Look let’s not downplay the small achievements, if you went out one day this year with a solid, actionable list of tasks and you got them done well hell I’d say that’s worth a spot on this ranking. You should be proud son.

Number 1: This List

I don’t want to blow my own trumpet (I’ve tried and I just don’t bend that way) but I think this is a pretty solid list, don’t you? I can’t list a list that I’ve missed otherwise it would be here. Why do you think it’s top eight and not top ten? Because these are the top, the only ones worth mentioning. If there were ten top ones, I would have put ten, ok? It’s a perfect list. Honestly, I think I nailed this one.

TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get shot of spy bots and go back to hip-hop and dance-offs.

Stop the clock! A lot of pots have got dropped off top cop slop mop brain rot…

Ok, that’s enough of that. THE NEWS is that TikTok is facing a ban if they can’t sell off their parent company. The government’s worried about Chinese interference but TikTok says there’s no interference which of course they would say… TikTok users are against the potential ban as they like to use the app but if they get their information through TikTok then of course they would say that…

The head of TikTok met with Donald Trump recently to protest the move but Trump’s not the president. Does the CEO even know? How embarrassing.

TikTok’s going to protest this case and take it to the Supreme Court but what are they going to do? You think the SUPREME Court has any power? Yes. Yes, they do. So maybe they’ll stop it.

The argument from TikTok’s end is that the ban violates freedom of speech but idk that feels like they’re reaching. For example, I’m free to wet myself but that doesn’t mean I want to do it. You know what I mean? Ok, let me put it simply. I wet myself every day of my life. I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. I’ve seen doctors and they all say that there’s nothing wrong with me I should just get up to go pee more. But I don’t want to get up and go pee. The toilet’s, like, all the way over on the other side of the room. So now I’m just sitting here in my own piss. And I’m cold and I’m wet and I smell.

That’s what’s happening with TikTok.

Maybe they’ll successfully fight their case, but maybe not. It feels weird that one of the biggest social media platforms in the world right now could potentially be just shut down. That’s not a way to go. No, social media websites deserve the noble death of becoming more and more irrelevant until they fade into obscurity and are only used by trolls and goblins. Like an abandoned dungeon. Look a Facebook, now that’s dying with dignity, unlike me who, again, is sitting in a puddle of my own urine.

This week Google announced, ‘Willow’, the most powerful quantum chip ever developed. At the same time, however, Google did not announce any such chip and there is no evidence of ‘Willow’ ever existing. Further observation will be required.

Quantum computers use the mysterious mechanics of the smallest particles to solve complex equations. Google claims Willow is the best one yet and can solve problems that a normal computer would take 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years to crack. But also, it can’t and none of this happened.

The only catch with Willow is that it only works when users are not looking at it, much like an office printer. Otherwise, the chip remains in a quantum state of superposition between existing and not existing, working and not working, like my cousin Denny who is staying on my couch at the moment.

Experts say this is the future of technology but I’m uncertain.

Google is calling Willow a quantum chip but it’s way bigger than a quantum particle the goddamn liars. The processor itself is about palm-sized and in order to avoid interference the chip must be supercooled in a massive machine that hangs from the ceiling like a giant golden chandelier. The whole thing is huge and really not very quantum at all so I’m not sure what they’re on about. It looks really cool but of course, you can’t see it because if you look at it it won’t work.

Willow is and isn’t primarily experimental so we won’t be seeing it in our phones and homes any time soon. But again, please, please don’t look at it.

Critics of the technology are worried that researchers, future users, and anyone who comes into contact with the chip might become quantum-entangled with its wave function and enter a state of superposition, permanently caught in a limbo between existence and non-existence, life and death, reality and unreality, never to escape for all of time. …I’d like to see an Intel chip do that.

Google has yet to confirm or deny whether any cats were harmed in the making of the chip.

Following numerous unexplained drone sightings, New Jersey parking authorities have determined the origin of the strange lights to be a massive Iranian spaceship floating above the clouds in violation of parking restrictions.

“I was just going about my shift,” explained 46-year-old Anos Eliz, the traffic warden who discovered the craft. “I mostly cover the suburbs but that night I thought I’d just have a quick sweep of the local airspace. I couldn’t believe it, there it was, a giant metal spaceship, flashing lights, drones flying in and out. I’m not sure how anyone missed it. Definitely Iranian.”

“First thing I said to myself was you can’t park that there,” continued Eliz. “Parking restrictions go to 7 on Fridays and I couldn’t see a permit in the windshield so I had to book it in.”

Eliz says he then alerted his colleagues to help clamp the craft but they were unable to find a wheel of any kind.

“That’s when we called the police, the fire department, the navy, the Coast Guard, the Pentagon, the NSA, the NASA, the girl guides, my therapist, and the United States Army but they all said we were hallucinating. I know what I saw though, so we took down its license plate and hit it with a hefty ticket. Only fair. Next thing it had cleared off, so who’s the hero now? Eliz, that’s who.”

Although the Pentagon has denied the existence of such a ship, New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew said that this was in fact an Iranian mothership and that he learned this information, “from high sources. I don’t say this lightly.” But obviously Jeff’s an idiot because this is CLEARLY an alien craft. When aliens have travelled 40 million light years to reach us OBVIOUSLY the first place they’re going to visit will be New Jersey. Obviously. …Iran? That makes no sense, why would Iran want to go to New Jersey? No, aliens is the only possible explanation.

The drones themselves could not be reached for comment although I did shout up at one that flew over me the other day so don’t ever call me a phony journalist again, Mom.

Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I hear you ask. “What if I’m not just unthank, but have pure hate writhing in my forsaken soul?” Well, then sir you, like most Americans would do well to know of the great seasonal tradition of ‘Hatesgiving’, a little-known national holiday that runs every year from roughly today until the day before Thanksgiving.

Many are unaware of Hatesgiving, but the tradition goes back to the first Thanksgiving which was immediately followed by the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of Native Americanos, solidifying this hateful holiday in the bowels of history.

Today Hatesgiving is celebrated across the world as a period to really just seeth with contempt and spite. For some, it can be hard to know where to begin but there are countless people for you to hate, a high school bully, a politician you don’t like the look of, a member of another race perhaps, anyone is fair game this Hatesgiving.

Christmas (which was technically invented after Hatesgiving) does represent a challenging injection of joy over the Hatesgiving period, however technically the two simply cancel each other out leading to a purely neutral state throughout December. If anything, Hategiving adherents can help fight the holiday spirit with a healthy dose of humbug, cynicism, and “Christmas gets earlier every year” comments.

A crucial component of any Hatesgiving is of course going ‘trick or tricking’ in which children go from house to house dressed as their favorite tax bracket and spit in the faces of unsuspecting adults.

Children may also partake in orchestrating convincing bomb threats, the burning of the Easter Bunny effigies, and giving one-word answers to parents who really genuinely just want to know how you’re doing. Just really get stuck into the true meaning of the season.

Again, this holiday runs effectively all year round.

How do you plan on celebrating this Hatesgiving? Will you be buying yourself a traditional Hatred Spoon? Let us know by leaving a hateful comment in the comment section down below which we definitely have activated and that you can use. xoxo

South Korean President, Yoon Suk Yeol’s bid to regain control of parliament by declaring martial law has backfired and now his opponents are looking to impeach the unpopular politician. But Yoon has found a friend in Donald Trump who reportedly rang the disgraced Prime Minister to assure him that he had nothing to worry about.

Over the hour-long phone call, Trump is said to have calmed down Yoon by saying that impeachment hardly means anything anyways.

“They said I’m like a peach or in a peach or they want to put me inside of a peach and I thought that’s not very nice I don’t even like peaches. What, I bruise easily? No, I’m a tough guy. But they said, no, they want to fire me and I said let ‘em try and they did and then they failed so I’m not sure why they kept saying peach when the peach didn’t do anything so if you’re about to get peached too I’d say let ‘em do it, they let you keep the job, if anything it makes you more popular.”

Sources who heard the call said the South Korean President responded by explaining that no, this wasn’t like a pathetic American impeachment, this would probably end his career to which Trump offered him a seat in his future cabinet. They then discussed golf for the rest of the call.

Yoon will likely be disappointed not to engage with Trump in an official capacity as Yoon is said to have taken up golf for the first time in eight years to prepare to for a Trump presidency. Thankfully Yoon will likely have much more time for golf in the near future.

Yoon is also famous for crushing it in a Halloween costume competition and being a spring onion, or something, I don’t know, I can’t read.

Pundits are still discussing why Yoon even declared martial law in the first place with some suggesting that South Korea’s declining birth rate might have been a motivation. …Oh, wait that’s ‘marital’ law. He didn’t impose that. That might have made sense.

Who knows, maybe Korea will one day be able to live in peace with its corrupt politicians but until that day I’m sure we can all agree on the definition of impeachment.

Following a growing spate of wait-can-a-president-really-do-that-now moves, Joe Biden has pardoned himself of “any wrongdoing and any crimes committed in the future and present across the universe”. When asked what specific crimes he is pardoning himself for, Biden stared back, a tinge of red in the darkness of his eyes, and said, “You’ll never know.” He then smiled and left.

Why the presidential pardon exists is still a matter of debate among historians. Some claim it was the traditional pardoning of the turkey that enshrined the practice into law. Then, during the presidency of Richard Nixon, lawyers pointed out that there was nothing stopping the president from extending the law to people. Nixon went ahead and used this loophole to pardon an associate and convicted arsonist, Walther Gaté in what became known as the Walther Gaté scandal.

With a presidential pardon, a president can just wave their magic wand and remove any convictions on any individual. Like a king, you know the thing America revolted against.

With just weeks left in office, Biden has used the pardon on himself but it is unclear if these are secret crimes of which the public is unaware, or if this is a kind of pre-pardon and the soon-to-be-ex-president plans to go on an epic bender doing every kind of drug and taking a dump on various national monuments.

Whilst he was at it, Joe Biden has also pardoned his son, Hunter Biden (no relation), just for lols. Who this ‘Hunter’ character is, what exactly he has done and why j’Biden would feel strongly enough to pardon him, all are questions lost in the mists of time. Maybe we’ll never know.

Biden now joins Trump and Clinton on the list of presidents who have pardoned their relations. Unlike those presidents though, Hunter hadn’t served his sentence yet so this one works more like a ‘get out of jail free card’.

This is a great look for any Democrat trying to say the president is not above the law and will certainly not backfire when Donald Trump is able to pardon without obstruction the historic drug crimes of one Donald Trump Jr., the historic sex crimes of one Jeffrey Epstein and Diddy, the historic animal crimes of one Joe Exotic, the historic riot crimes of everyone at January 6th, the historic fraud crimes of himself and the a-historic cybersex crimes of himself in future year 3025AD (aka CyberTrump).

For anyone interested in having their crimes forgiven please head to ‘royalpardon.com’, fill out the form with your name, crime, who you voted for, your relationship with the current or future president and they will get back to you with your pardon in 3-5 working days.

President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January.

Hogan, whose real name is embarrassingly Terry Gene Bollea, will serve in the new role focused on domestic, foreign and wrestling policy.

Donning swimming goggles, a red bandana, and a red suit with the sleeves cut off, the 71-year-old addressed a crowd of reporters to accept the appointment. “I’m BACK, Hulkamaniacs! America is gonna get great again, BROTHER!!! …I hereby formally accept this governmental appointment and do solemnly vow to uphold its values… err… brother.”

“January 20th. That’s the day we’re gonna smackdown on the economy. Smackdown on terrorism. Smackdown on those stickin’ illegal border crossings. Smackdown on a diplomatic solution to the Israel-Palestine war. And we’re gonna SMACK… DOWN on abortion rights! Brrrrrotha!!!!!”

How the Hulk Machine will achieve these goals remains unclear as details are slim about the precise responsibilities of the Secretary of Whoopin’ Ass. Political experts have suggested the position would involve “asses” and that said asses would then be “whooped”, hopefully figurately.

Hollywood Hogan concluded the ceremony by leaping from the stage into the crowd of reporters, bodyslamming FOX News political correspondent, Michael Pedri to the floor and knocking Hogan himself unconscious.

Mr. Hogan’s appointment comes after a string of similar team announcements from the president-in-waiting. Tom Hogan (no relation)… wait, sorry, Tom Homan, with an ‘m’, and Elise Stefanik were most recently added to the team. Neither are wrestlers.

Still waiting to be picked for the team like kids lined up in the playground are desperate-to-go-viral billionaire Elon Musk and desperate-to-no-longer-be-viral politician Robert F Kennedy Jr. Neither are wrestlers.

Trump’s picks are hard on the border, hard on foreign policy but soft if left unrefrigerated. The appointments are scheduled to expire within the first few months of the administration just in time for the traditional “changing of the guard”, a staple of Trump’s government.

In other wrestlo-politicale news, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has officially endorsed the Harris campaign commenting, “I’m not too late, am I?”

Following the untimely death of the squirrel influencer, Peanut (P’Nut to his friends), President-elect Donald Trump has announced that a state funeral will be held in the pet’s honor.

Peanut’s owner and OnlyFans model, Mark ‘Squirrel Daddy’ Longo has retained possession of the body which will be embalmed and, after a funeral procession through Washington will lie in state in the Capitol’s rotunda for two weeks so the nation may pay its respects.

A squirrel ambassador was spotted visiting Vice President Harris prior to her concession speech, apparently in order to negotiate the appearance of the squirrel delegates at Peanut’s funeral.

Incumbent President Joseph Robinette Biden refused to comment saying, “Trump can’t do that you know, I’m still the president. He can’t just start having state funerals for anything he likes. I’m supposed to have the next one, not some rabid tree rat.”

Foreign dignitaries from around the world are expected to attend including the ambassador to Nigeria (that’s a really good get).

In New York it is illegal to keep wild animals as pets however Longo sought to classify Peanut as an educational creature because, I guess, he promotes pornography and that’s educational? After a dramatic raid of Longo’s property, Peanut was seized and euthanized in order to test for rabies, like how my half-brother Guiseppe died when he had a blood test but that was more of an accident because they forgot to turn the valve off or something and they sucked all the blood out of him like a raisin. RIP G.

Peanut then became a martyr for supporters of Donald Trump because… wait I don’t get it, what’s the connection? Hold on, I’ll look it up… Ok, so it’s about government oversight, Trump supporters don’t agree with the government coming for illegally held individuals like migrants or… wait no, that’s not right.

Ok, well, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Point is, now everyone’s all about this dead squirrel which is normal and now they’re going to have a big ol’ funeral with an iddy-biddy coffin it’s gonna be adorable and maybe we’ll finally get to see Trump cry.

There was another animal that was also euthanized after the seizure, a raccoon named Fred. Fred however will not receive the same funeral as he was thrown into a pit off the interstate.

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