Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

KAZAN, RUSSIA – Vladimir Putin has gathered over 20 friendly heads of state at his secret lair to devise devious deceits to bring down the West and everything it stands for.

Among the leaders are China’s Xi Jinping, Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian, US billionaire Lex Luthor and the telepathic evil monkey, Gorilla Grodd.

With the summit Putin aims to demonstrate that Russian sanctions are ineffective and there is nothing that Superman or any kind of man for that matter can do to stop them.

BRICS stands for Brazil, Russia, India and South Africa, so really it should be ‘BRICSA’ but that’s not a word so they couldn’t do that. Although Egypt, Ethiopia, Iran and the United Arab Emirates have now joined the group they were initially refused entry because BRICSAEEIUAE was too hard to pronounce.

Previously Lego has attempted to sue Russia for the use of the term ‘BRICS’ but the filing was dismissed out of court.

Putin was unable to attend last year’s BRICS due to the warrant for his arrest after he was caught shoplifting large swathes of land from Eastern Europe. However, the Russian president was present via video call and said, “Let’s do this at my place next time.”

The summit agenda will include obligatory photo ops with a malevolent glowing orb, mustache-twirling, discussions on how to unbridle the global economy from using the US dollar, and a bric-a-brac sale.

Reportedly Putin will unveil several plans to bring down America such as a giant stick of dynamite and a robot president, however, photos have recently emerged of Putin’s whiteboard with only the word, “AI?” circled multiple times.

BRICS dismissed accusations that the gathering was entirely anti-west in a statement that said that it was America and its allies who were the real Legion of Doom. “What about America’s support for Israel, huh?” said BRICS spokesperson Omal Whelper. “Ever heard that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw bricks? Well, now we’re throwing BRICS at glass houses, how about that, huh?”

The White House declined to comment on the gathering but did express through a number of hand gestures that they were glad to have all the countries under one banner because it made things a lot easier to understand.

Ex-First Lady, Melania Trump’s new memoir hit shelves on Tuesday and, in addition to clashing with her husband’s anti-abortion stance, Melania also hinted at her support for Kamala Harris.

In the book, ‘Melania’ by Melania, Melania’s ghostwriter explains, “There is only one choice for the president and it is really not who you think I think it is going to be…(winky face emoji)”

Who precisely that person is remains unclear but political experts are quick to point out that there is only one other candidate in the 2024 United States of America presidential election for the president ever since Robert Francis Kennedy Junior bowed out of the race.

“There’s only a couple of people the book could be talking about,” said former political scholar Derbert Monfresse, “I’ve been wracking my own brains trying to think of who it could be and all I can say is it’s probably not the one who you’d expect it to be (winky face).”

Republicans now fear that should the race come down to one singular vote (as was the case with Bush v. Gore in 2000), Melania might be held responsible and the Trumps’ all-important marriage would be in tatters.

Aside from this revelation, the book features numerous tidbits such as Melania revealing that she is pen pals with the King of England, the Pope, and former US President, Donald Trump.

Other headline-grabbing points (but that were real so we couldn’t make our actual headline) include her denial of the 2020 election results, that she was in the situation room during the Al-Baghdadi raid, and that she still occasionally goes for brunch with Stormy Daniels (ok, fine, that last one’s made up too).

Melania’s stance on abortion is surprisingly part of a long tradition of first ladies contradicting their husbands’ opinions. Laura Bush supported abortion rights against her husband and famously Martha Washington said, “Abortion, I don’t know what that is but if George likes it then I don’t.”

‘Melania’ is out now in hardback, softback, and all kinds of backs from all good bookselling stores.

Stemming accusations that she avoids interviews, Vice President Kamala Harris dragged herself through a 60 Minutes interview that felt more like 127 Hours (remember? the movie with Jake Franco? And he’s stuck inside of a rock and ends up befriending the rock or something? I don’t know I never watched it but it feels like no one talks about it anymore. Maybe it didn’t do well because 127 hours is way too long for a movie… Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah…) the movie.

For the sake of impartiality, the episode began with a 60-second segment explaining that the republican nominee refused the interview until he received an apology for the previous one (note, this is not standard interview protocol). In 2020 Trump cut his 60 Minutes interview short, now, 60 Minutes wants their time back. “Everyone does 60 Minutes, it’s the law,” CBS explained, “Like Andy Warhol said, ‘In the future, everyone will have to be on 60 Minutes’.”

“You still owe us 39 minutes and 14 seconds, Mr. Trump. We’re getting that time back one way or another. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick.”

Terrified she might owe 60 Minutes valuable time and intent on avoiding a ‘time debt’ like Trump, Kamala Harris sought to extend the interview and use up all allotted 60 minutes without saying much by avoiding questions and leaving long pauses between syllables.

Bill Whitaker grilled Harris on the Middle East, the economy, and what he was planning to have for lunch, successfully generating usable clips that both sides could take out of context.

However, as if to punish Harris for her stalling tactic, once the 60 minutes had expired, Whitaker did not cease the interview. Harris begged to leave but Whitaker would not relent and continued to question the presidential nominee. As the recording came close to the 127-minute mark Harris appeared to threaten Whitaker.

“I have a Glock,” she said. “Have you ever fired it?” asked Whitaker. “Yes. Of course, I have,” replied Kamala, cold desperation in her eyes. And just like that, the interview was over.

Harris had survived more than 60 minutes of 60 Minutes and would be glad to never again be in debt to the Columbia Broadcasting System. But when it came to air, the Harris campaign was devastated to discover only roughly ten minutes of the interview made it to broadcast and CBS would bank that time to claim at any point of their choosing.

“You still owe us,” CBS continued in a creepy sing-song voice, “Everyone pays the time debt. Everyone.”

A new court filing against presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, claims that he attempted to have the results of the 1892 presidential election overturned.

“Grover Cleveland was a coward,” said Trump in a Tweet presented as evidence in filing. “WORST PRESIDENT EVER. Should never have been elected the second time!! STOP THE STEAL!!!”

The Supreme Court recently ruled that presidents should be immune from prosecution when carrying out their official duty, however, prosecutors now claim that Trump’s continued complaints that Benjamin Harrison was “robbed” constitute a private action.

According to former staffers, Trump insisted any portraits of Cleveland be removed from the White House. Upon finding a book mentioning the 19th-century president, Trump ripped out the page saying, “Hash-tag, not my president. Not my president! Grover was a dawg. He rigged the vote. Everybody knows it.”

The reason for Trump’s objection to Grover Cleveland remains unclear but legal scholars maintain it might stem from Trump’s longstanding policy of maintaining the 1890 McKinley Tariff, whereas Cleveland campaigned to lower it.

Trump accused Cleveland of using rigged voting machines, widespread voter fraud and a consistent de-platforming of the Prohibition Party. Trump has asked for a recount on multiple occasions despite having it explained to him that this was over a hundred years ago, the votes don’t exist anymore.

Democrats claim Trump’s complaints are tantamount to treason and that the January 6th riots were partially motivated to have both the 2020 and 1892 elections overturned.

“If I had a time machine, I’d go back to 1892 and count the votes myself. But I can’t. But I am the president. So I’m gonna get his name out of the history books and everyone says the name ‘Benjamin Harrison’ instead. I’d settle for James B. Weaver, whatever, just not Cleveland.”

Why Trump does not seem to object to Cleveland’s original election in 1884, he has yet to explain.

The trial date has not been set and will likely not take place before the election in November. Until then, the legacy of Grover Cleveland and indeed, Adlai Stevenson I, hangs in the balance.

Errr. Israel has declared war on Sweden in a move strategists are calling, “Really very stupid.”

Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu announced the invasion this morning following a preemptive air strike using extra-long rockets so they could reach further. Tanks are reportedly on their way but are currently driving through Lebanon so it’ll take a while for them to get there.

Swedish forces were fast to respond, destroying their pagers and assembling flatpack munitions in a matter of minutes. However, missing hex keys are holding back a full retaliation as generals search junk drawers for the right size.

The international community responded with bewilderment to the development. “What?” said US diplomat Justin ‘Cheeky’ Chavez, “Who are we supposed to send arms to now? Both sides? I mean, I guess we could do that. We’d need to check if Amazon ships to Sweden.”

Iran, now dazed by Israel’s unprecedented tactic, expressed similar confusion. “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but what if my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s enemy? Is my friend now my enemy? Am I my own enemy?” Iran then promptly declared war on itself.

‘Why?’, ‘For what purpose?’ and, ‘To what end?’ are also good questions, to which analysts have speculated that maybe Israel had a world map folded over and thought Sweden was much closer. Other theories suggest Israel is applying the ancient military tactic of ‘bamboozle’, a risky strategy involving making the least expected move, especially if it’s a very bad one.

Some have suggested more novel explanations such as amateur historian and massive nerd, Derbert Monfreese, who explained the move by saying that, “The Bible doesn’t clarify the exact coordinates of the promised land so who’s to say it isn’t in Scandinavia?” Everyone, Derbert, that’s who’s to say. That makes no sense, Derbert, shut up.

The United Nations has condemned the Swedo-Israeli conflict in a new statement, “Come on, guys, this is just all too complicated now. Alright, new rule, everyone gets to fight one war at a time and that’s it, OK? No exceptions.”

In response to the new, ‘only one war’ rule, Israel then floated the idea of having just one mega-war, a ‘world’ war, if you will, that everyone could join and no one would miss out on. Germany vetoed the motion.

During Tuesday’s televised debate, JD Vance and Tim Walz superbly displayed their qualification for the VP role by remaining uncontroversial, under the radar and uninteresting.

Millions of Americans grabbed their popcorn and tuned in to watch their second favorite politicians go head to head in a bloody fight to the death. Unfortunately, both candidates stuck to the issues and did little sniping or insulting so why did they even bother to show up?

Vance in an effort to balance Trump’s unhinged, rambling brashness was polite and thanked his debate partner multiple times even at one point offering to pick Walz’s kids up from school. Walz and Vance agreed with each other on crucial issues such as gun deaths, hurricane relief and who should run for president.

Both candidates seamlessly avoided answering questions directly like professional politicians but like amateur entertainers. No one watches NASCAR to see the cars not-crash.

At times it seemed like the debaters might go head to head, but the moderators had a lot to discuss so they had to move on.

A recurring critique from Vance was to ask why Harris had not delivered her presidential campaign promises whilst she has been vice president. Perhaps JD overestimates the power he will have in office or no one told him that the role of the vice president is to not do anything, that’s the point. No one had even heard of Kamala Harris until she ran for president, not even Joe Biden. Even JD had to introduce himself at the start of the debate to make sure the moderators hadn’t booked the wrong guest.

As the nearly two-hour debate dragged on, viewers reported to finding more entertainment watching the background slowly fade from blue to a slightly lighter blue and then back to blue.

Journalists too bemoaned the lack of insubstantive content with one New York Post reporter saying, “There wasn’t even a fly landing on anyone’s head to spice things up. What am I going to write about now? What they said? Like, their words? Ugh. Boring. Bor-ING.”

In post-debate surveys, viewers agreed that Tim Walz has a squishy face and JD Vance has blue, blue eyes. When asked who they thought won the debate, swing voters unanimously agreed that yes, there was a debate that happened.

The civil, policy-focused debate may have been a victory for democracy but it was an immense failure for television networks and insult enjoyers everywhere.

We’re out of time and I am afraid there are still a number of subjects to discuss, so we will end it there, thank you.

Yesterday Donald Trump announced a plan to lynch shoplifters over “one really violent day”, apparently taking campaign strategy from the movie franchise, ‘The Purge’.

At a Pennsylvania rally, Trump described the new policy to combat shoplifting by allowing police to act as Batman, enacting violent retribution against petty criminals, but for a limited time only.

Self-proclaimed movie buff and ‘Purge Historian’ (not a real job), Derbert Monfreese explained that, “The six films and one television series that constitute the Purge Cinematic Universe depict a future in which all crime is legal for 24 hours. What Trump describes however is just a period in which the police can do whatever they want to criminals. Technically, that’s not the purge, that’s just a regular day in LA.”

When asked whether the nerds couldn’t let us just have one fun thing without running it with technicalities, Derbert replied, “No.”

In response to whether Trump’s idea was, “maybe closer to ‘Kristilnact’, then instead, can we do that?” Derbert said, “I’ve not seen that movie.” So, I think we’ll go with that analogy instead. Hold on, I’m looking it up… no, that’s like the exact opposite thing. Ugh! Great, well this article’s ruined. I’m going to have to rewrite this whole thing now! God, I hate you Derbert, you ruin everything and you suck.

Trump’s suggestion appeared founded on the claim that, “In San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted.” However, Derbert tells me, even though I didn’t ask him, that, “Actually, Trump is misremembering a Californian law from ten years ago in which some violent crimes (including shoplifting a value below $950) were reclassed as misdemeanors.”

The Republican nominee continued to assert that, “You saw kids walking with calculators… They didn’t want to go over the $950, they’re standing with calculators, adding it up.” He then mimed holding an old-timey brick calculator from the 80s. Maybe he saw that in a movie too because when was the last time a kid used a calculator instead of their phone?

Video clips and quotes from the rally give the appearance of Trump’s words being taken out of context but I didn’t make this up, Derbert! He really said this, look, here’s the portion of the speech with the rambling bits crossed through so you can see nothing’s cut out.

“We have to let the police do their job and if they have to be extraordinarily rough. And you know the funny thing with all of that stuff, look at the department stores, same thing. They walk into a– you see these guys walking out with air conditioners with the refrigerators on their back. The craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension, you’re going to lose your family your house, your car. The police wanna do it, the border patrol wants to do it. The border patrol, they’re incredible. They wanna do it. They’re not allowed to do it because the liberal left won’t let ‘em do it. ~~The liberal left wants to destroy ‘em and they wanna destroy our country.~~”

“You know if you have one day like one real rough nasty day with the drugstores as an example, where when they start walking out with, you know she created something in San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted. Well, it works out that the 950 is a misnomer ‘cos you can steal whatever you want, you can go way above but you’d see it originally, you saw kids walking with calculators. They would calculate. They didn’t want to go over the $950 they’re standing with calculators, adding it up. You know these are smart, smart people, they’re not so stupid but they have to be taught.”

“Now if you had one really violent day like a guy like Mike Kelly put him in charge, congressman kelly put him in charge for one day. Mike would you say, you right here. He’s a great congressman. Would you say Mike that if you were in charge you would say, ‘Oh, please don’t touch them, don’t touch them, let them rob your store, let–’ all these stores go out of business right? They don’t pay rent the city doesn’t have money the whole, it’s a chain of events that’s so bad. ONE. ROUGH. HOUR. (and I mean real rough) the world will get out and it will end immediately. End immediately. You know? It’ll end immediately. ~~Crooked Joe Biden…~~”

You happy now Derbert, you goddamn nerd?

‘The Purge: Election Year’ is available to stream now on Netflix and CSPAN.

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.

TAMPA, FL – Vice President Kamala Harris was hospitalized this morning after falling from a coconut tree during a campaign rally.

The Democratic nominee was holding the event on a beach in Tampa, Florida beside a coconut tree, when the crowd began to chant, “COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT!” Harris halted her speech on abortion to ask the crowd, “Should I climb the tree?” The crowd cheered and Harris said, “I’m gonna climb the tree!”

The presidential hopeful then proceeded to hug the trunk like a bear and shuffle herself up the tree with surprising strength and agility. Once she was at the top, the crowd cheered again and Harris threw down a coconut to a spectator who suffered only minor injuries. Harris then proceeded to continue with her speech in a somber tone whilst hanging precariously from a palm leaf.

It was only towards the end of Kamala’s two-hour monologue that her grip began to slip. Midway through a sentence about soaring inflation did Kamala’s hand give way and she tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, down, down, down, like a politician dropped from a coconut tree, until she hit the sand below with a crunch and a crack and a yelp.

The Secret Service sprang into action and fired two shots into the coconut tree’s wooden brain, rendering it immediately motionless. In doing so, however, a coconut was loosened from the tree and it fell on Kamala’s head with a ‘THONK’ that bystanders reluctantly admitted was very funny.

“‘Brat summer’? More like, thwak summer!” commented anonymous bystander, Meila B. Stander.

The ‘Possible President’, as she is known to her friends, was immediately whisked to hospital and treated for a broken leg and concussion. Harris is reported to have been heard repeatedly muttering, “Everything is in context, unburdened by what will come to be burdened,” so it seemed she was already on the mend.

When Harris awoke she asked, “What year is it?” to which doctors replied, “2024” but to the question, “Who’s the president?” they refused to give comment.

Giving a statement from her hospital bed, Harris commented, “I think I just fell out a coconut tree… Hey, quit laughing. You know what is funny, though? I don’t even like coconuts. You ever had a Mounds bar? Blegh.” Harris is expected to make a full recovery ahead of the election in November but will be too injured to give interviews.

The tree was issued with a warning for the attempted assassination of a presidential candidate and had its driver’s license revoked. Any trees present at future campaign rallies will be required to go through a thorough vetting process or be refused entry.

(Millions of people die from coconuts every year. If you or a relative know of anyone affected, please call the coconut helpline immediately at 555-0111.)

96% of Americans would support more transparency in published studies, a flawed study has found.

This Monday, the National Institute for Scientific Research published its findings however the Scientific Research Institute of America responded with an analysis of the NISR’s report finding the institute only surveyed four men called Gary.

The National Institute for Scientific Research responded to the accusation with their own report accusing the SRIA of only using the same four men named Gary in their report. To which the SRIA countered with another report citing four men named Gary.

The four men at the center of the debacle, Gary Newport, Gary Nearport, Gary Nupurt, and Alistair G. H. Gary III had reportedly never met before and simply happened to be in the same park where the survey was conducted. The four Garys could not be reached for comment until asked.

“I was just walking my dog when I was asked if I wanted to be in a survey and I thought, well, I’ve always wanted to be famous, so why not?” said Gary at his home in Indiana where he now lives with his wife and the three other Garys. “They just asked the one question, ‘Would you support more transparency in published studies’ and I said, sure! And that was that!”

Supporters of the original study (or ‘Garyites’ as they are now known) argue that the NISR makes a valuable point. Detractors of the original study (or ‘Garyers’ as they are now known) argue that the NISR deliberately and wilfully hid their methodology.

The NISR claimed their survey was designed to be anonymous and the SRIA had conducted a breach of the sacrosanct surveyor-surveyee confidentiality. Continuing, the NISR explained that the SRIA only happened to find the four Garys for their report because they now ‘just really like doing surveys’.

The NISR, SRIA, and MSNBC have all vowed to broaden their sample sizes in the future to include participants with names other than Gary.

To see the institutes’ work in action, tune in to the Family Feud, Tuesdays at 8 on ABC.

What do you think? Should published studies have more transparency? Let us know in the comments below!