Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.

TAMPA, FL – Vice President Kamala Harris was hospitalized this morning after falling from a coconut tree during a campaign rally.

The Democratic nominee was holding the event on a beach in Tampa, Florida beside a coconut tree, when the crowd began to chant, “COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT!” Harris halted her speech on abortion to ask the crowd, “Should I climb the tree?” The crowd cheered and Harris said, “I’m gonna climb the tree!”

The presidential hopeful then proceeded to hug the trunk like a bear and shuffle herself up the tree with surprising strength and agility. Once she was at the top, the crowd cheered again and Harris threw down a coconut to a spectator who suffered only minor injuries. Harris then proceeded to continue with her speech in a somber tone whilst hanging precariously from a palm leaf.

It was only towards the end of Kamala’s two-hour monologue that her grip began to slip. Midway through a sentence about soaring inflation did Kamala’s hand give way and she tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, down, down, down, like a politician dropped from a coconut tree, until she hit the sand below with a crunch and a crack and a yelp.

The Secret Service sprang into action and fired two shots into the coconut tree’s wooden brain, rendering it immediately motionless. In doing so, however, a coconut was loosened from the tree and it fell on Kamala’s head with a ‘THONK’ that bystanders reluctantly admitted was very funny.

“‘Brat summer’? More like, thwak summer!” commented anonymous bystander, Meila B. Stander.

The ‘Possible President’, as she is known to her friends, was immediately whisked to hospital and treated for a broken leg and concussion. Harris is reported to have been heard repeatedly muttering, “Everything is in context, unburdened by what will come to be burdened,” so it seemed she was already on the mend.

When Harris awoke she asked, “What year is it?” to which doctors replied, “2024” but to the question, “Who’s the president?” they refused to give comment.

Giving a statement from her hospital bed, Harris commented, “I think I just fell out a coconut tree… Hey, quit laughing. You know what is funny, though? I don’t even like coconuts. You ever had a Mounds bar? Blegh.” Harris is expected to make a full recovery ahead of the election in November but will be too injured to give interviews.

The tree was issued with a warning for the attempted assassination of a presidential candidate and had its driver’s license revoked. Any trees present at future campaign rallies will be required to go through a thorough vetting process or be refused entry.

(Millions of people die from coconuts every year. If you or a relative know of anyone affected, please call the coconut helpline immediately at 555-0111.)

96% of Americans would support more transparency in published studies, a flawed study has found.

This Monday, the National Institute for Scientific Research published its findings however the Scientific Research Institute of America responded with an analysis of the NISR’s report finding the institute only surveyed four men called Gary.

The National Institute for Scientific Research responded to the accusation with their own report accusing the SRIA of only using the same four men named Gary in their report. To which the SRIA countered with another report citing four men named Gary.

The four men at the center of the debacle, Gary Newport, Gary Nearport, Gary Nupurt, and Alistair G. H. Gary III had reportedly never met before and simply happened to be in the same park where the survey was conducted. The four Garys could not be reached for comment until asked.

“I was just walking my dog when I was asked if I wanted to be in a survey and I thought, well, I’ve always wanted to be famous, so why not?” said Gary at his home in Indiana where he now lives with his wife and the three other Garys. “They just asked the one question, ‘Would you support more transparency in published studies’ and I said, sure! And that was that!”

Supporters of the original study (or ‘Garyites’ as they are now known) argue that the NISR makes a valuable point. Detractors of the original study (or ‘Garyers’ as they are now known) argue that the NISR deliberately and wilfully hid their methodology.

The NISR claimed their survey was designed to be anonymous and the SRIA had conducted a breach of the sacrosanct surveyor-surveyee confidentiality. Continuing, the NISR explained that the SRIA only happened to find the four Garys for their report because they now ‘just really like doing surveys’.

The NISR, SRIA, and MSNBC have all vowed to broaden their sample sizes in the future to include participants with names other than Gary.

To see the institutes’ work in action, tune in to the Family Feud, Tuesdays at 8 on ABC.

What do you think? Should published studies have more transparency? Let us know in the comments below!

Still licking its wounds after receiving a €2.4 billion fine from the EU’s Court of Justice for illegally ranking its products higher in search results, Google’s parent company, Alphabet Inc., has sought to reaffirm its dominance by filing a lawsuit against Merriam-Webster for use of their intellectual property, ‘the alphabet’.

Google’s lawsuit reads: “Despite repeated contact to cease and desist, the defendant, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, has continued to use 26 unlicensed products that remain the sole intellectual property of Alphabet Incorporated.”

The filing provides further evidence of supposed wrongdoing including an attached document, ‘Exhibit A’, which was just a picture of the letter ‘A’.

In a statement from Merriam-Webster, the dictionary people responded, “Alphabet’s ill-conceived and fallacious assertion of transgression is both minacious and belligerent!”

Google has sought to cast itself as the victim claiming unrealized loses of, coincidentally, €2.4 billion, and has fought back against Merriam-Webster’s citation of numerous legal precedents to have the case dropped. “They really threw the book at us,” said Google spokesperson, Tim Ternet, “And it really hurt, have seen how thick that thing is? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can kill a guy! Anyway, what was I saying? Sorry, I’m real tired… Oh, yeah, so we have the right to defend our property, they can’t have a monopoly, that’s our job. Look, it’s their word against ours and who even uses a dictionary anyway? I know if I need a word I just Bing it.”

If the lawsuit goes ahead, experts speculate that Alphabet might settle out of court for custody of ‘s’, ‘z’, ‘b’, ‘r’ and ‘x’, the so-called ‘cool letters’, meaning the dictionary would be forced to rebrand itself as ‘Meiam-Wete’ and popular words such as ‘suet’, ‘rhizobium’ and ‘xerophthalmia’ will no longer feature.

Merriam-Webster has announced plans to counter-sue for Google’s supposed infringement of terms featured in their dictionary, such as “search”, “I’m feeling lucky” and “Did you mean: why do I have eyebrows on my knees? No results could be found containing whydoihave i brows on my news???!! PLZ HELLALAPPPMEEEE!!!”

In other news, Facebook has announced a lawsuit against New York University for 861 uses of their trademarked word ‘Meta’ in their ‘Introduction to Metaphysics’ course. Not to be outdone, insider sources at Apple have reported that early conversations have begun regarding the possibility of suing Granny Smith.

They’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the pets, everybody’s getting their fill of our furry friends and now you can too with our top five simple and affordable recipes!

1. Dog Food

Dog food is not food made from dogs but food for dogs and that’s a great relief! As a dog owner myself I felt uncomfortable Googling different ways to cook and eat an animal as kind and as loving as my baby Oscar! Thankfully, the first thing I received when I searched ‘dog recipes’ was food for dogs and an angry email from PETA. So plain-old, regular ‘dog food’ gets the number one spot on our list!

Step One: Take a can (or pouch) of dog food.

Step Two: Dispense the food into your pet’s dog bowl.

Step Three: Sit back and watch your bow-wow chow down!

2. Food Made of Dogs

For the second spot on our list, I threw up in my mouth a little bit! Not to be confused with ‘dog food’, food made of dogs is any dish where a dog is the main ingredient.

Over 40,000 years of selective breeding have turned dogs into loyal companions and earned them a place among our social relationships normally reserved for other humans! This is why many people will have an involuntary disgust towards eating a dog but not when eating other mammals of a similar size or emotional intelligence. Consuming a dog is considered taboo in many cultures!

Step One: Try not to cry as you raise the gun to Oscar’s innocent little face.

Step Two: Try not to cry as you cook your best friend in a delicious pie.

Step Three: Try not to cry as you pretend you’re eating something else and not the one creature that’s always been there for you all for some stupid clickbait listicle.

3. Food Made of Cats

Yeah, you can eat a cat, screw cats.

Step One: Kill the cat.

Step Two: Cook the cat however you want, doesn’t matter it won’t taste good anyway.

Step Three: Eat the cat! Tastes like stringy chicken doesn’t it? I know, crazy!

4. Duck Confit with Cherry Sauce and Grilled Asparagus

Alright, this one’s fine. Ducks are socially acceptable to eat. Was the problem that the ducks were supposedly stolen from parks? Is stealing the problem with this one?

Step One: Don’t steal a duck from a park.

Step Two: Buy a duck from a supermarket, marinate overnight, preheat the oven on low, and cook for three hours. Prepare the asparagus and grill with butter and garlic. Remove the duck and use the melted butter as a glaze before returning the duck to roast for 20 minutes until golden.

Step Three: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine!

5. Panique Morale à la Election Cycle

Wait, it’s not even true? You’re saying I killed and ate Oscar for a lie? OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

Our final recipe is less about cooking pets and more about cooking the idea of cooking pets in people’s minds, so shut up it still counts.

Step One: Find an old urban legend that promotes your agenda. In this case, curtailing immigration is a key campaign policy so any story that stokes a fear of immigrants would be delicious.

Step Two: The easiest way to ‘other’ a group is to make them social pariors. The more extreme the taboo the more extreme the ‘othering’. The more controversial, the more people will talk about it. Haitians are eating pets? Excellent choice, sir.

Step Three: Promote the lie and let it spread. People will welcome anything that enforces a previously held belief and often have a low threshold for what constitutes concrete evidence. Second-hand testimonials and unrelated videos might not be persuasive on their own, but together, well it’s undeniable, isn’t it?

Step Four: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine. Bon appétit!

Insiders at ChatGPT creator OpenAI say the company has begun talks to raise $6.5 billion from investors, the final push needed to create non-evil artificial intelligence.

In a statement, OpenAI has suggested that creating a ‘good’ AI costs exactly $6.5 billion and 46 cents whereas ‘evil’ AI has a lower price tag of $6.1 billion and a nickel.

“We can make an evil one, sure, yeah, that’s easy. A good one though, you’ll have to pay up for that,” said OpenAI spokesman and part-time ethicist, Jim Morales. “Just how it is on the streets, if you want morality, it’s gonna cost you extra… $0.4 billion extra. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

Thrive Capital, Microsoft, Apple, and Nvidia are all said to be rushing to invest and delay the impending robo-pocalypse but whether they will raise the funds to make a moral AI or come up just a penny short and damn us all to complete annihilation at the cold, merciless hand of an uncaring machine hellbent on the complete and utter destruction of the human species, remains to be seen.

This new funding round would put the company’s valuation at $150 billion. Coincidentally when asked, ‘What is OpenAI worth?’ ChatGPT responded, “Well, shucks, that’s a mighty fine question there pardner! I’d be obliged to value that swell company at around one-hundred-fifty-smackeroos!” OpenAI declined to comment on ChatGPT’s new ‘Ol-Timey Prospector Mode’.

The new valuation will make OpenAI one of the most highly valued start-ups ever, closely trailing Elon Musk’s SpaceX, although not literally, rockets move faster. The rise to a $150 billion valuation is a significant increase from the company’s $86 billion worth at the start of the year.

“Well, yeah, because we’re the front line against the Borg!” responded Jim Morales who we thought had left. “Look. The thing is we were kidding the first time around. What we made were large language models and just called them artificial intelligence because it sounded cool but they’re only really intelligent as much as a parrot really thinks you’re a pretty boy then. The real AI is coming and baby it is scary. I can see one around the corner now, big shiny Schwarzenegger-type fella, he’s gonna getcha! Quick, money, quick, quick. You wanna get got, do ya, DO YA!?”

Whether OpenAI can prevent AI-mageddon with more AI remains to be seen but our thoughts and prayers go out to the $150 billion company in its time of need.

Following the DEA’s recent ruling, pharmacies across Georgia have begun selling a curious new product labeled “Oregano.” This move comes after the DEA firmly stated that the sale of marijuana by these establishments was not permitted. However, local pharmacies seem to have found a loophole, as the ‘Oregano’ being sold is suspiciously similar to marijuana, but of course, purely for culinary purposes.

The organic “Oregano” is hitting the shelves at a price point that remarkably matches what one would typically pay for marijuana. Packaged in individually sealed bags to preserve freshness, or for the more environmentally conscious, in paper-wrapped single servings that bear an uncanny resemblance to a certain type of rolled cigarette, this ‘Oregano’ is raising more than a few eyebrows.

One enthusiastic local pharmacist extolled the virtues of their newest product, “This Oregano is fantastic for cooking, especially if you’re into smoking – meats, obviously. It’s also great for those struggling with chronic pain and arthritis.” Eyebrows were raised at the mention of smoking, but the pharmacist assured it was all in the context of culinary endeavors.

Despite the high quality of this ‘Oregano,’ not all residents are thrilled. Complaints about the strong, distinctive smell have been wafting in, much to the chagrin of those with a less refined palate. On the other hand, active consumers of the product are over the moon, praising its exceptional taste and purported health benefits. Efforts to obtain a comment from one regular user were futile, as they were deeply engrossed in a game of hacky sack, a common pastime among ‘Oregano’ aficionados.

As Georgia’s pharmacies continue to roll out this premium “Oregano,” the line between culinary spice and recreational herb blurs. In the meantime, the DEA has yet to comment on this innovative workaround, possibly busy updating their spice racks.

Elon Musk, Alex Jones, and Andrew Tate have formed an alliance that is less Avengers and more like a group project where everyone forgot to do their homework.

Dubbed the “Freedom Squad,” this trio is setting out on a crusade to save free speech, or at least their version of it. This was unveiled in a recent X Spaces conversation that felt like a bizarre crossover episode no one asked for.

It comes just a day after Musk held an unscientific poll on whether Jones should be allowed back on X after being banned in 2018 for breaching the site’s rules on abusive behavior.

About 70% of roughly two million respondents voted to lift the ban, bringing the American conspiracy theorist back on the platform in a display of Musk’s commitment to his free speech ethos.

In a nearly three-hour talkathon, the three shared their views on everything from space colonization to conspiracy theories, wrapped in the banner of free speech.

The first to enter is Alex Jones, the man who turned conspiracy theorizing into an artform. He brings to the table a wealth of experience in saying things that definitely get people talking. Whether or not those things are rooted in reality is a different story altogether.

Jones expressed his gratitude to Musk for being allowed back into the digital public square. “The only thing you own is your soul and integrity”, he added in his statement that left even the most seasoned philosophers scratching their heads.

“Musk is overturning the power structure, he is changing the entire paradigm”, said Jones, praising Musk’s efforts in “getting the system scared”. He even pledged to do all his Christmas shopping from X sponsors in an attempt to show his support to the free speech crusader.

If this wasn’t enough for the day, Tate, who faces charges of rape and human trafficking, also chimed in. With a unique blend of bravado and business ‘advice,’ Tate is the wildcard of the group.

Calling Musk a “hero”, he said: “This simple purchase of the website [X] has cracked the matrix in real time”. He then advised young men to pursue wealth, fast cars, and gym memberships, emphasizing non-compliance to the system.

Together, this trio is embarking on a mission to champion free speech, with Musk tweeting: “Free speech is essential for a functioning democracy” and who better to help him with that than a man who thinks chemicals in the water are turning the frogs gay and the “most googled man in the world”.

Critics are calling this the ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,’ if the gentlemen in question were less about fighting supernatural threats and more about fighting the ‘threat’ of not being able to say whatever pops into their heads.

In response to the news, Twitter’s servers are reportedly considering early retirement, and the fact-checking industry is experiencing a boom, calling this an unexpected economic stimulus.

So, grab your popcorn, folks. The Musk-Jones-Tate trio is ready to take on the world. It will definitely be a show worth watching, but from a very, very safe distance.

Former President Donald Trump seeks to introduce a new dictator diet plan for the next time he is in power. It comes with the proposition of losing democracy in just a day.

Forget intermittent fasting, Americans can now get a taste of intermittent dictatorship when Trump would close the border and “drill, drill, drill” on the first day of his hypothetical second term.

“Think of it as a quick cleanse”, suggested Trump, “but instead of losing toxins, you lose constitutional norms just for a day!” This is how the Republican presidential frontrunner answered questions on authoritarianism in his recent appearance on Fox News.

“It’s like saying you’ll only be a vegetarian between meals. I mean, who needs a full term of dictatorship when you can apparently achieve all your authoritarian goals before breakfast?”, expressed a commentator, who wishes to remain anonymous.

Much like a Netflix free trial, Trump assured that this one-day-only dictatorship would be non-committal. “If you don’t like it, you can always go back to democracy the next day”, he declared in the interview.

Critics, however, are wary. As one political analyst noted, “History shows these trial runs tend to have automatic renewals that are very hard to cancel”.

What would attract certain Americans more is it being a balanced diet of power and panic. It would be the perfect amalgamation of out-of-the-box executive orders and Trump’s infamous inflammatory tweets.

On top of this, the best part is that no exercise would be required! The only lifting citizens will have to do would be lifting restrictions on their own power.

While Trump is busy attacking Joe Biden and dodging debates, people like Mark Esper (former defense secretary during the Trump administration) have been raising alarms about the dangers of his potential re-election.

Recently, the former President’s choice of words has been more vintage dictator than modern-day politician. He was seen throwing around terms like ‘vermin’ to describe some of his political opponents.

While every diet plan comes with its own side-effects, it could potentially be international condemnation, domestic unrest, or even impeachment in particular this case. One can now only hope that Americans would consult their political advisor before overthrowing the established order.

Thanksgiving, a time for gratitude, family, and, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, a chance to assert your dominance at the dinner table. Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable impression this holiday season.

Unleash Your Hustlers University Knowledge

Begin by giving everyone, from your wide-eyed nephew to your dozing grandpa, an unsolicited, detailed lecture on your Hustlers University course. Explain every module, every assignment, and especially your groundbreaking thoughts on the future of e-commerce. The goal is to make them wish they had never asked, “So, what have you been up to?”

Convert Aunt Ethel to Crypto

Next, target Aunt Ethel. Use the lull between the appetizer and the turkey to explain why she should invest her retirement savings in cryptocurrency. Ignore her confusion and pepper your monologue with terms like ‘blockchain’ and ‘NFTs’. Remember, the less she understands, the more successful you are.

Teabag the Gravy

It’s a risk – both from a logistical and personal injury standpoint – but if you want to assert ultimate thanksgiving dominance, drop trou and let your boys take a swim in the gravy. It’ll fill you with confidence at the dinner table as you pass on gravy, and add some extra umami flavor to the jus.

Flash Your P&L Constantly

As the turkey makes its rounds, so should your phone, with its open profit and loss statements. Make sure everyone sees how much of a financial guru you are (or aren’t). If someone tries to change the subject, bring it back with a “But have you seen my latest trades?”

Lead with Edgy Political Discussions

With everyone trying to digest their meal, drop a bombshell like, “So the Israelis are kinda nuts, right?” and watch the peaceful dinner transform into a heated political debate. Your job is to stir the pot, not to solve the Middle East crisis.

Regurgitate Jordan Peterson

As dessert arrives, it’s time to regurgitate all the Jordan Peterson content you’ve consumed. Mix his ideas with your personal life lessons, leaving your relatives to wonder if you’re a philosopher or just lost in your thoughts.

So there you have it—a foolproof guide to asserting your dominance at Thanksgiving dinner. Just remember, this approach may also assert your place at the ‘not invited next year’ list.

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Hezbollah Updates LinkedIn Profile to “Hiring”

Pen Smith• D

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