Month: September 2024

They’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the pets, everybody’s getting their fill of our furry friends and now you can too with our top five simple and affordable recipes!

1. Dog Food

Dog food is not food made from dogs but food for dogs and that’s a great relief! As a dog owner myself I felt uncomfortable Googling different ways to cook and eat an animal as kind and as loving as my baby Oscar! Thankfully, the first thing I received when I searched ‘dog recipes’ was food for dogs and an angry email from PETA. So plain-old, regular ‘dog food’ gets the number one spot on our list!

Step One: Take a can (or pouch) of dog food.

Step Two: Dispense the food into your pet’s dog bowl.

Step Three: Sit back and watch your bow-wow chow down!

2. Food Made of Dogs

For the second spot on our list, I threw up in my mouth a little bit! Not to be confused with ‘dog food’, food made of dogs is any dish where a dog is the main ingredient.

Over 40,000 years of selective breeding have turned dogs into loyal companions and earned them a place among our social relationships normally reserved for other humans! This is why many people will have an involuntary disgust towards eating a dog but not when eating other mammals of a similar size or emotional intelligence. Consuming a dog is considered taboo in many cultures!

Step One: Try not to cry as you raise the gun to Oscar’s innocent little face.

Step Two: Try not to cry as you cook your best friend in a delicious pie.

Step Three: Try not to cry as you pretend you’re eating something else and not the one creature that’s always been there for you all for some stupid clickbait listicle.

3. Food Made of Cats

Yeah, you can eat a cat, screw cats.

Step One: Kill the cat.

Step Two: Cook the cat however you want, doesn’t matter it won’t taste good anyway.

Step Three: Eat the cat! Tastes like stringy chicken doesn’t it? I know, crazy!

4. Duck Confit with Cherry Sauce and Grilled Asparagus

Alright, this one’s fine. Ducks are socially acceptable to eat. Was the problem that the ducks were supposedly stolen from parks? Is stealing the problem with this one?

Step One: Don’t steal a duck from a park.

Step Two: Buy a duck from a supermarket, marinate overnight, preheat the oven on low, and cook for three hours. Prepare the asparagus and grill with butter and garlic. Remove the duck and use the melted butter as a glaze before returning the duck to roast for 20 minutes until golden.

Step Three: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine!

5. Panique Morale à la Election Cycle

Wait, it’s not even true? You’re saying I killed and ate Oscar for a lie? OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

Our final recipe is less about cooking pets and more about cooking the idea of cooking pets in people’s minds, so shut up it still counts.

Step One: Find an old urban legend that promotes your agenda. In this case, curtailing immigration is a key campaign policy so any story that stokes a fear of immigrants would be delicious.

Step Two: The easiest way to ‘other’ a group is to make them social pariors. The more extreme the taboo the more extreme the ‘othering’. The more controversial, the more people will talk about it. Haitians are eating pets? Excellent choice, sir.

Step Three: Promote the lie and let it spread. People will welcome anything that enforces a previously held belief and often have a low threshold for what constitutes concrete evidence. Second-hand testimonials and unrelated videos might not be persuasive on their own, but together, well it’s undeniable, isn’t it?

Step Four: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine. Bon appétit!

Sparked by a recent hoax claiming Haitian migrants in Ohio are capturing and eating household pets and local wildlife, Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s photoshoot with a goose and a kitten this morning ended in bloodshed.

Beginning as an unsubstantiated rumor on X, campaigners were quick to frame Trump as the candidate to protect animals from their natural enemy: foreigners. This spawned a trend in which users generated AI images of Trump hugging ducks, a meme the former president appeared to endorse when he changed his X handle to ‘Donald Duck’.

Seeking to recreate the meme IRL, Trump staged a photo shoot this morning in which he cradled a kitten and an initially docile goose. However, when the former president lent in for a kiss, the goose proceeded to hiss and attack the Republican party’s nominated candidate for the position of President of the United States of America.

Experts analyzing the incident now claim that had Trump not turned his head at the last moment, he might be dead. Instead, the goose only managed a little nibble at the businessman-turned-president, removing most of his left ear.

The ex-president/ex-businessman jumped away from the bird and only narrowly escaped with what little of his lobe was left. Using his quick wit and ingenuity, Trump threw the kitten as a distraction for the bloodthirsty goose to feast upon. The Secret Service sprang into action and after a mere 20 minutes, snipers had shot and killed the goose until it was dead and not breathing, protecting the presidential hopeful from losing another appendage.

SURPRISE BIRD FACT: geese are technically also birds.

Goose handlers were on hand to handle anything getting out of hand however they held up their hands and said, “It was out of our hands,” when approached for comment. Donald J. Trump Sr. laughed off the incident, spluttering through a mouthful of blood, “Wow, this bird is seriously dangerous but beautiful. I’ll never eat another goose so long as I live.”

This marks the third time Trump has been publicly attacked by a bird following a bald eagle in 2015 and Nancy Pelosi in 2024.

Trump has since changed his X user handle back to ‘Donald Jeff Trump’.

Former President Donald Trump won a landslide victory over his debate partner, “the mania-induced hallucination of Joe Biden” in their first televised debate.

Although Trump was scheduled to spar against the current Vice President, Kamala Harris, Trump insisted throughout the night that he was in fact witnessing the hazy apparition of the current President and therefore won.

As the debate began, Harris approached Trump for a handshake but the Republican nominee seemed reticent and walked behind his podium. Psychologist and amateur paranormal investigator Dr. Ellen Shpochman has since explained that “The handshake was the moment when the dissonance between his mind and his vision became too extreme and Trump’s brain formed an illusion of Joe Biden to prevent further mental anguish. You will note that Kamala introduces herself but Trump does not, clearly busy reconciling her words with what he wants to hear.”

To Trump’s great advantage, the pulsing Biden-shaped light was an unskilled debater and would only respond to the moderators’ questions with unintelligible moans, much like the real Joe Biden. Trump was able to mock Biden’s economic plan of “four sentences”, label him guilty in his “documents case” and criticize him for approving the Nord Stream 2 pipeline, all points to which the indistinct Biden-like blur offered no rebuttal.

Gradually, however, the illusion began to fade and Biden’s ethereal face slipped into the nether world revealing briefly the vision of Kamala Harris. But Trump, still haunted by the Ghost of Presidents Present could only repeat, “She is Biden… She is Biden!” To which Harris replied, “Clearly I am not Joe Biden.”

As the multicolored kaleidoscope of Biden-ness seemed to leave the debate stage, it was apparent that Trump would lose his advantage. Once again at odds with reality, Trump lamented Biden’s fading specter, “Where is our president?” he cried of the vision, “We don’t even know if he’s a president.” And then, in a moment of touching empathy for his former rival, “They threw him out of a campaign like a dog,” Trump mourned and in realization whispered, “We have a president that doesn’t know he’s alive.”

This moment of concern, like a teardrop awakening a sleeping princess, was powerful enough to restore the Biden hallucination and Trump was back in the debate. Throwing zinger after zinger, Trump accused the fragmented memory of Biden and the hallucination of his son (who had also materialized on stage) of taking money from China and Ukraine and in the final sentence of his closing argument called him, “the worst president in the history of our country.”

Shadow-Biden pulsed silently for a moment then said inexplicably, “Tomorrow I’m doing 9/11” before fading out of reality. Trump left the debate stage the clear winner with a final score of 32 to 1.