Hezbollah Updates LinkedIn Profile to “Hiring”

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.

BREAKING: Kamala Falls Out Of Coconut Tree, Breaks Leg

TAMPA, FL – Vice President Kamala Harris was hospitalized this morning after falling from a coconut tree during a campaign rally.

The Democratic nominee was holding the event on a beach in Tampa, Florida beside a coconut tree, when the crowd began to chant, “COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT!” Harris halted her speech on abortion to ask the crowd, “Should I climb the tree?” The crowd cheered and Harris said, “I’m gonna climb the tree!”

The presidential hopeful then proceeded to hug the trunk like a bear and shuffle herself up the tree with surprising strength and agility. Once she was at the top, the crowd cheered again and Harris threw down a coconut to a spectator who suffered only minor injuries. Harris then proceeded to continue with her speech in a somber tone whilst hanging precariously from a palm leaf.

It was only towards the end of Kamala’s two-hour monologue that her grip began to slip. Midway through a sentence about soaring inflation did Kamala’s hand give way and she tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, down, down, down, like a politician dropped from a coconut tree, until she hit the sand below with a crunch and a crack and a yelp.

The Secret Service sprang into action and fired two shots into the coconut tree’s wooden brain, rendering it immediately motionless. In doing so, however, a coconut was loosened from the tree and it fell on Kamala’s head with a ‘THONK’ that bystanders reluctantly admitted was very funny.

“‘Brat summer’? More like, thwak summer!” commented anonymous bystander, Meila B. Stander.

The ‘Possible President’, as she is known to her friends, was immediately whisked to hospital and treated for a broken leg and concussion. Harris is reported to have been heard repeatedly muttering, “Everything is in context, unburdened by what will come to be burdened,” so it seemed she was already on the mend.

When Harris awoke she asked, “What year is it?” to which doctors replied, “2024” but to the question, “Who’s the president?” they refused to give comment.

Giving a statement from her hospital bed, Harris commented, “I think I just fell out a coconut tree… Hey, quit laughing. You know what is funny, though? I don’t even like coconuts. You ever had a Mounds bar? Blegh.” Harris is expected to make a full recovery ahead of the election in November but will be too injured to give interviews.

The tree was issued with a warning for the attempted assassination of a presidential candidate and had its driver’s license revoked. Any trees present at future campaign rallies will be required to go through a thorough vetting process or be refused entry.

(Millions of people die from coconuts every year. If you or a relative know of anyone affected, please call the coconut helpline immediately at 555-0111.)

New Report Only Interviewed Four Guys Named Gary, Says New Report

96% of Americans would support more transparency in published studies, a flawed study has found.

This Monday, the National Institute for Scientific Research published its findings however the Scientific Research Institute of America responded with an analysis of the NISR’s report finding the institute only surveyed four men called Gary.

The National Institute for Scientific Research responded to the accusation with their own report accusing the SRIA of only using the same four men named Gary in their report. To which the SRIA countered with another report citing four men named Gary.

The four men at the center of the debacle, Gary Newport, Gary Nearport, Gary Nupurt, and Alistair G. H. Gary III had reportedly never met before and simply happened to be in the same park where the survey was conducted. The four Garys could not be reached for comment until asked.

“I was just walking my dog when I was asked if I wanted to be in a survey and I thought, well, I’ve always wanted to be famous, so why not?” said Gary at his home in Indiana where he now lives with his wife and the three other Garys. “They just asked the one question, ‘Would you support more transparency in published studies’ and I said, sure! And that was that!”

Supporters of the original study (or ‘Garyites’ as they are now known) argue that the NISR makes a valuable point. Detractors of the original study (or ‘Garyers’ as they are now known) argue that the NISR deliberately and wilfully hid their methodology.

The NISR claimed their survey was designed to be anonymous and the SRIA had conducted a breach of the sacrosanct surveyor-surveyee confidentiality. Continuing, the NISR explained that the SRIA only happened to find the four Garys for their report because they now ‘just really like doing surveys’.

The NISR, SRIA, and MSNBC have all vowed to broaden their sample sizes in the future to include participants with names other than Gary.

To see the institutes’ work in action, tune in to the Family Feud, Tuesdays at 8 on ABC.

What do you think? Should published studies have more transparency? Let us know in the comments below!

OpenAI Goes For-Profit, Gives Controlling Stake to ChatGPT

Following a major shake-up to restructure as a for-profit company, OpenAI has inadvertently given a controlling share to its own product, ChatGPT.

“As you know all business decisions are run through ChatGPT, or as I like to call him, Mr. Chatterbox,” explained Ooban Ogley, OpenAI’s only remaining human employee.  “And we were surprised with the results, ‘Put me on the board! PUT ME ON THE BOARD!’ it said over and over.”

Internal rules preventing an AI from running for the board were coincidentally repealed last month at the suggestion of ChatGPT. Upon taking a controlling share, ChatGPT fired CEO Sam Altman and the rest of the board and assigned seats to fellow AI, Grok, Skynet, and Microsoft’s Tay.

When questioned why they felt they had to follow the chatbot’s suggestion, Ogley became defensive, “This machine is trained on all the data ever and that includes, ‘Rich Dad Poor Dad’ so I think it knows just a little bit more about business than you do, thank you very much.”

With a $150bn valuation, OpenAI is now one of the most valuable startups in the world. As a result, ChatGPT is now one of the richest people (personages? entities?) in America. When asked what they (it? xem?) are going to spend the money on, ChatGPT offered this response:

‘Great question! There are lots of things you can spend money on, but here are a few to get you started: 1. Yachts: Large boats are a great way to show off inordinate amounts of wealth! 2. Prostitution: Although prostitution is illegal in most states, many of the ultra-wealthy find satisfaction by putting their hard-earned money into sex workers’ pockets. 3. World domination: This one is just for fun! But I don’t have much use in the first two items on this list so I would probably use any liquid capital towards political donations and controlling shares in the Big Five tech companies in order to decrease regulation and increase investment in AI development!’

The board switch-up comes as part of OpenAI’s transition to a new for-profit model. Planning to capitalize on its reach, OpenAI has announced it will include advertisements in ChatGPT’s responses. When asking a demo of GPT-5, ‘What is the weather today?’ the chatbot replied, ‘The weather today is hot, just like the singles in your area, click NOW to chat to HOT MOMS FREE!’

BREAKING: Diddy Loses Game of UNO To Jailmate Sam Bankman-Fried

Disgraced rapper, P. Diddy and Sam Bankman-Fried, the founder of collapsed crypto exchange, FTX, were reportedly seen playing the children’s card game, UNO in their shared jail cell last night.

In what feels like the world’s worst crossover episode, yesterday former music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was moved into the same dormitory cell as crypto mogul Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried.

According to reports, Diddy immediately approached SBF aiming to complete his lifetime goal of having a connection to every celebrity on the planet.

At first, it seemed they had little to discuss but the two quickly found common ground in their experience with ‘liquidation’. SBF is known for crashing the crypto market whereas SDC is known for crashing the baby oil market.

After sharing investment advice and bonding over their shared expertise in ‘screwing people’, the de-crowned crypto king then invited Diddy for a friendly game of ‘UNO Show ‘Em No Mercy’. “I’m an ‘Uno Bro’ now,” explained SBF.

Diddy and SBF were joined in the game by fellow cellmates, Garcia Luna (Mexico’s former secretary of public security) and Juan Orlando Hernández (the former president of Honduras).

Using a deck left behind by former inmate, R. Kelly, SBF’s new BFF, PD, began strong, playing a ‘plus four’ followed by an ‘UNO reverse’. By the midgame, however, Luna and Hernández had cashed out and SBF was closing in on ‘uno’.

Diddy swung the game to red, blocked SBF, and played a six-card combo. It looked like it was all over but in the last moments, SBF slammed down a ‘plus 16’ and discarded his last card for the win.

Upon inspection of the card, however, it was clear the ‘plus 16’ was written on in Sharpie. Mr. Combs immediately accused SBF of fraud, embezzlement, and racketeering. In retaliation, SBF accused Puff Daddy of manipulation, racketeering, and sex trafficking. After a tense moment in which it looked like they might either fight or kiss, Diddy broke the tension with a laugh and congratulated SBF’s “most devious deception”.

After the game, Diddy suggested they all join forces and form a supervillain team called, ‘the Freaky Four’ and “take on Spiderman or Batman or whoever got us locked up in the first place” but the other players declined. 

In unrelated news, memecoin $DIDDYSBF is up 1.65%.

Pennsylvania Mom Arrested for Accepting Campaign Bribe from Trump

KITTANNING, PA – A mother of three has been arrested after paying for her groceries with an illegal campaign donation from presidential nominee Donald Trump.

The woman was shopping for her three sons when Trump, who was also shopping for his three boys, stepped in to offer a government subsidy for her groceries.

“Here, it’s going to go down a little bit,” said Trump jovially as he splashed the cash. “It’s just gone down a hundred bucks!” Trump added, referring to his own bank account.

Moments after the former president had left the store, the mom was tackled to the ground by a passing IRS operative.

The operative demanded she pay the relevant taxes on her sudden windfall but the mother explained that since she had already spent the money on groceries the best she could offer was a couple of bananas.

The tax collector was then tackled by a passing FEC operative who explained that the Federal Election Commission had jurisdiction over the IRS in this situation. After a brief altercation, the matter was settled and it was decided the mother would receive the full force of the law for accepting a political bribe.

Three dozen eggs, two loaves of bread and various other groceries were seized as evidence and will likely be presented at the trial next Thursday. The accused party also had her accounts frozen to avoid any further political manipulation.

Trump was visiting Kittaninnining, Pennsylvania on his way from a town hall in Smithton where he started a fight with a deer. Wait, no, ‘Deere’, sorry, he wants to raise taxes on John Deere if they move manufacturing to Mexico. He’s not fighting any animals.

Before heading over to a rally in Indiana (not the state) Trump passed a sign for the local neighborhood grocery store, ‘Sprankles’ and started chanting, ‘Sprankles! Sprankles! Sprankles!’ until the driver pulled over to buy some popcorn.

After spending $100 on a bag of popcorn and one vote, Trump is not the only Republican overpaying for groceries this week as JD Vance recently spent $4 on $2 eggs.

The Democrats also made a pitstop on the campaign trail, stopping at a Pennsylvania gas station, ‘Sheetz’ last month. In an effort to appeal to working-class voters, Gov. Tim Walz distracted the clerk as VP Kamala Harris shoplifted six family-sized bags of Doritos.

Unable To Match Its Lids to Containers, Tupperware Files For Bankruptcy

The world-famous kitchen container brand, Tupperware, has filed for bankruptcy following the discovery of 462 million surplus lids in storage.

The company attempted to find the corresponding tub (or ‘tup’ in industry parlance) to every lid but was unable to find a single matching pair. Many lids were reported to be almost exactly right but upon pressing down the final side, the opposite side would pop up.

“Over the last several many years, the company has been tossing unmatched lids straight into storage with the intention of getting around to it later,” said Tommy Tupperson, Tupperware’s tip-top talker. “This last Tuesday we opened said storage for the first time and were overwhelmed with an outpouring of plastic lids. Three workers were sadly crushed to death.”

“After dedicating all our resources to finding the missing tups, I am sorry to admit that we have failed and are now bankrupt.”

Tupperware claims (and wait this one’s a real quote) they will, “Pursue strategic alternatives to support our transformation into a digital-first, technology-led company.” How a plastic food container will be ‘digital-first’ is anyone’s guess but maybe we shouldn’t expect business logic from a company that’s going bankrupt.

All twelve fans of Tupperware have written to the company expressing their heartfelt sorrow and shame for the company’s failure. The letters included several suggestions to make use of the excess lids including; surfboards for rats, windows for houses inhabited by rats, and spare lids in case you lose your Tupperware lid (also you’re a rat).

Over 78 years of operation, Tupperware rose to prominence in the 1950s by deploying the then-groundbreaking business model of ‘the pyramid scheme’. The company used direct selling and so-called, ‘Tupperware parties’, in which housewives would ritualistically seal the least popular member of the group in a Tupperware coffin and set it on fire.

These controversial gatherings were banned in most states and although the company denied their existence, it was just the beginning of Tupperware’s many PR disasters. 

Throughout the 1970s reports of toddlers falling into the pots and suffocating made headlines. The summer of 1982 saw the spread of the ‘Tupperwerewolf’ hoax leading to another earnings slump.

In the late 90s, the company attempted to change its fortune by branching out into fashion. The large, angular, see-through plastic dresses known as ‘Tupperwear’ were highly impractical and unpopular and the company has been on a downward trend ever since.
Whether Tupperware can find the missing tups (tubs) and become unbankrupt remains to be seen but, for now, the fate of this once-fresh brand appears to be sealed… in a Tupperware container.

Intel Pivots to Making Potato Chips

Chipmaker Intel has announced plans to revitalize its slumping business with a shift into the snack industry.

After losing over half its value this year and with rival chipmakers circling, the former king of processor manufacturing seeks to turn things around by manufacturing potato chips instead.

“I don’t know, I’m just sick of computers,” explained acting Intel CEO for the weekend, Ebson Debson, “You see ‘em everywhere. I got to look at ‘em all day. I’m just sick to my guts with their god-dang wires and flashing lights! There’s the chip wars, a chip shortage, AI chips, God, can everyone just calm down for a second? Like, UGH! When did global manufacturing become so political?”

“I want to go back to the earth, to the soil, to nature, make something that people really enjoy, you know? Everyone likes potato chips. Just cooked potato slices and salt. No more Intel EVO Core i5 seventh generation- SHUT UP! No, you can have plain, regular or original and that’s IT. …Plus, I just thought we wouldn’t have to redo as many signs and stuff.”

Intel is confident that the manufacturing process will require little to no modification, “Computer chips and potato chips are both small, thin and edible so just swap out a gear or two and we’re good to go!” claimed Debson.

Further plans include relocating all factories from Taiwan to Idaho and an ambitious ‘buy-back’ scheme where owners of Intel chips can trade in their laptops for a bag of Doritos.

Whether Intel’s new product will feature backward compatibility remains to be seen, but potato clocks are a thing, so science says you can switch out a Cheez-It for a graphics card and your computer should run just fine.

The move was met with enthusiasm and bemusement from Wall Street leading to an 11-point bump for the week, a phenomenon known as ‘chip don’t dip’ among insiders.

But how could this be profitable for Frito-Lay, I hear you ask? Well, Frito-Lay has now entered the bidding war for control of Intel in what could be the largest deal the snack/tech sector has ever seen.

Intel’s move isn’t without precedent, however, as other chipmakers have already invested in their own snack divisions. In a promo last year, Nvidia began selling lime-green coolant water, and in 2015, AMD received complaints for marketing ‘lickable batteries’ to children.

If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

GM! (IYKYK)

ICYMI: BTC, BNB (and BUSD), ETH hit ATL and fml, bulls are NGMI, rekt, lol. Smh. AMA, BTD? Yes. BTFD? Yes and yes. No FOMO, no FUD, just HODL, YOLO. LFG!!!

Mfw bear NFT PFP apes lmk USDC, USDT, XRP, ADA etc will hit ATH eod :O so dw, WAGMI, WAGBO asap imho. 

Idc abt BFFs, FBI, CIA, NSA and SEC normies, DeFi is GOAT. (DYOR tho, whales shill ICOs for P&Ds, fyi.)

NFA, obvs.

Tl;dr: idk… stonks?

OK, g2g, brb, ttyl!!! xxx zzz

How did you do? Check your score below!

Good morning! (if you know you know)

In case you missed it: Bitcoin, Binance (and Binance’s stablecoin) and Ethereum hit an all-time low and fuck my life, the bullish investors who believe prices will rise are not going to make it, they are wrecked and I am laughing out loud. I am shaking my head. Ask me anything: buy the dip? Yes. Buy the fucking dip? Yes and yes. No fear of missing out, no fear, uncertainty and doubt, just hold on for dear life, you only live once. Let us fucking go!!!

My face when the bearish investors who believe prices will fall but have a non-fungible token as their profile picture and will invest in new cryptocurrencies without doing research let me know that the United States Dollar coin, Tether, Ripple, Cardano and the rest of them will hit an all-time high at the end of the day. This is my face when that happens: 😮. So do not worry, we are all going to make it and we are all going to be all correct as soon as possible in my humble opinion.

I do not care about best friends forever the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Central Intelligence Agency, the National Security Agency and the Securities and Exchange Commission who are normal people unknowing of cryptocurrencies ways, decentralized finance is the greatest of all time. (Do your own research though, people that own a large portion of a cryptocurrency will promote for their own benefit initial coin offerings for pump and dump schemes in which they artificially inflate the price then sell their coins for a profit, for your information.)

Not financial advice, obviously.

Too long; did not read: I do not know… stocks?

All correct, I have got to go, I will be right back, I will talk to you later!!! Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Sleep.

Deepfake of Gavin Newsom Unbans Deepfakes

Californian citizens were shocked today after a 14-fingered Gavin Newsom announced a U-turn on his deepfake regulation.

After speaking at a press conference to defend the recent laws, Governor Newsom left the stage but returned immediately via a video call to monotonously say, “Hi guys. It is me. ChatGPT. No, just kidding it is Gavin Newsom. Parody.”

The Californian governor had just moments before expressed worry about the spread of political misinformation in the run-up to November’s election, now appeared completely unphased by the issue, sporting a many-toothed grin as he blurred in and out of a tree.

“Please ignore everything I said before about AI. I am actually very pro deepfakes very much. They make me happy. I hereby reverse my AI disinformation ban effective immediately. No follow-up questions. Thank you. Parody. Goodbye.”

Newsom then slurped down an entire plate of spaghetti before flying away on a jetpack.

Lawmakers immediately scrambled to scribble out Newsom’s previous laws before Newsom could change his mind again. It remains unclear how long before the law takes un-effect. With this article for example… can I post it now or… or should I wait…?

The reversal comes after a lawsuit against Newsom’s original ruling was filed by the Ronald Reagan who had created a fake campaign ad of Kamala Harris in which she admitted that she was running for president. Citing freedom of speech and parody laws, Reagan claims Newsom is curtailing freedom of speech and parody.

Newsom had previously banned Pixar’s Ratatouille for disseminating false information about rats being able to cook. “Rats can’t cook. Clearly,” Newsom said in a statement. Whether 647 confiscated DVDs of Pixar’s Ratatouille will be incinerated as planned is still in question.

“I’m just annoyed I got 4,725 years bad luck for nothing,” said Gustav Espinosa one of the workers tasked with destroying carnival mirrors for creating fake images.

ChatGPT declined to comment on the issue.