2025 | Wall Street Memes

BREAKING NEWS: In an effort to infinitely diversify his portfolio, the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has bought Nasdaq, Inc., the company that owns and operates the Nasdaq stock market.

NASDAQ was eager to finalise the buyout with Elon Musk after they filed for bankruptcy following months of massive stock market crashes caused by Elon Musk.

Tweeting (X-ing, whatever) about the purchase, Elon has already stated his plan to rebrand the market ‘X-Stonks Exchange’, fitting with his love of memes, the letter ‘X’, and being lame.

To see Musk’s full press release from X, you can read the entirety of his statement below:

“NASDAQ = Xtonks”

Alongside the purchase, Mr. Musk plans to release a crypto-meme-currency-coin $XTONKS and accompanying merch. I plan on buying myself a hat.

Additionally, E.M. has said he will strip the company of all its baggage and everything that made it run effectively. Elon will fire 46% of the staff, and those that remain will be allowed to work so long as they conduct all their tasks with Musk’s AI, Grok.

Now, although this may appear that Musky Man will now have full control over the NASDAQ xtonks exchange itself, this is not the case. Yes, Elon now has full ownership of all companies listed on the exchange. And yes, will be given access to a pen and the big room with all the squiggly lines so that he can draw his own. But he’s a good guy, and he would never draw Tesla stock going up. No, that would be a conflict of interest, so he probably wouldn’t do that.

Again, Elon is the richest man in the world and controls half the government, he doesn’t need this. For him, this is a side project, like his kids.

Hopefully, the Elon purchase will bring more transparency to the opaque process and answer questions like, ‘How come NASDAQ is publicly traded on the NASDAQ?’ ‘How do they choose those silly names, and can I have one?’ and ‘What even is money anyways?’

In a bizarre twist of events that seems to bring everything full circle, leaked emails show Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor in an unsecure Gmail chain with former presidential failure, Hillary Clinton.

Michael Waltz (no relation to Tim) is said to have written:

“Hey babes, yeah, not up to much, just chillin’, hoping this Houthi thing blows over, probs will though. Just wondering, yeah, what did you do with the whole email thing? I just want to know what NOT to do hahaha anyway let me know love you! P.S. top secret military info is attached.”

The development hot off the heels of Michael Waltz’s previous SNAFU, now dubbed ‘Signalgate’, in which Waltz added a journalist to a private military group chat that was specifically designed not to have journalists in.

In both cases, numerous mistakes were made, but the main issue is that by using Signal and Gmail, sensitive information will now be stored on commercial servers. It’s fine, he didn’t know better, it’s not like he’s the National Security Advisor or anything.

In fact, Waltz’s advice regarding security has often been, “Yeah, whatever,” especially when it comes to his best friend Hillary Clinton, the detractors of whom he often railed against.

“Gmail’s just the best email, why wouldn’t you use it?” Waltz said in Clinton’s defense at the time.

But many weren’t as kind as Waltz, and Clinton’s email scandal became a major contributor to her election loss.

Donald Trump has now acknowledged the hypocrisy and vowed to make reparations by publicly apologising and stepping down as president so Hillary can take his place.

Michael Waltz will remain in his position as the NSA.

Electric car manufacturer Tesla has taken its largest stock hit in its history as sales plunged 13% this quarter. But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan and Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

When asked to clarify by a confused everyone, Musk took to X to explain that, “We have a feature with the Tesla autopilot where, when there’s an emergency, the stock will just drive headfirst into a pit.”

“It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

After this did little to clarify his decision, Musk clarified, “I don’t know, I just thought it would make a cool explosion.”

Reportedly, Tesla Inc. delivered 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

This development follows a difficult year for TSLA. Even though President Trump has pledged to replace the presidential motorcade with Cybertrucks, the car company took a bigger hit from the new auto tariffs. In response, Musk introduced new three-wheeled Teslas to work around Trump’s 25% tariff (you can’t tax a quarter if you’re missing a quarter!).

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize.

A more personal headache for Musk is his failed attempt to bribe Wisconsin voters. Although he did give away millions of his own money, the vote swung towards electing a liberal judge. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

China is pulling ahead as the largest EV market in the world, making them cheaper, hotter and more Chinese than anything Tesla could possibly make. Now, I might not be Chinese, but I sure can recognize when I see a premium vehicle and a quality product. That’s the kind of feeling you get from a Chinese EV.

(This article is sponsored by: ‘China’. “China: better than you expected!”)

Donald Trump’s liberation day is finally upon us, praise be! As was foretold in the prophecies of yore, “And lo, the one who has a hue of orange shalt descend from his tower and proclaim the taxes to be one quart of all importations.”

Yes, this is the news that President Trump’s tariffs will now take effect. At the time of writing, the death toll is only at 4 million, which was the lower end of estimates.

‘Liberation Day’, modelled after the 1996 science fiction movie, ‘Independence Day’ also involves a full-scale war against all hostile invaders. However, where it says, ‘full scale war’ read, ‘trade war’ and where it says ‘hostile invaders’ read, ‘Chinese manufacturing’.

Stock markets have plummeted ahead of the announcement, and foreign countries have already promised reciprocal tariffs, but THERE AIN’T NO BREAKS ON THE TARIFF TRAIN!

Look, I’m no economist, and maybe we’ll come out the other side of this with more money and more of that sweet, sweet manufacturing than ever before. But then again, I’m also not an economist, and the view from the ground is that costs are going up, and again, millions are dead.

Liberation Is A State Of Mind

But there’s more to tariffs than just money. Trump sees these tariffs like… what’s the word for blackmail that isn’t ‘blackmail’?… Trump sees the tariffs as a bargaining chip to encourage neighbors to do more to curb the immigration of the two worst things: fentanyl and people.

As a major importer, Trump will be able to use the tariffs as a carrot and stick to get foreign governments to fall in line. Hopefully.

The knock-on effect will but nuts. Like, it’s crazy how one guy can be like, ‘yeah, tariffs’ and then economies from Vietnam to Guam potentially have all their businesses upended.

It’s crazy that this one day could be a pivot point into a new era of history. Think about that. OK, not too hard, you’ll hurt yourself.

To read more about the tariffs, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

The restaurant chain known only as ‘Hooters’, famous for its chicken wings and nothing else, has declared: BANKRUPTCY!

But don’t worry! They’re not getting rid of your favorite orange thing, this is merely a scaling back, a reduction if you will. Hooters plans to sell off all 100 restaurants to two separate franchisee groups based in Florida and Chicago. So really this is just a change in management and idk why this is even news.

“We believe that by shifting from a D-grade company to a C or B, we may lighten the load on our workers and our shareholders,” explained Neville Carson, who, I guess, works there. “Hopefully, the Hooters brand will now be able to fit through doors and not have quite as much back pain.”

Confusingly, the sale of Hooters is from Hooters of America Inc. to Hooters Inc., which is a completely different Hooters. Hooters Inc. (not Hooters of America Inc.) is owned by the original Hooters founders. Hooters of America Inc., however, is owned by private equity firms Nord Bay Capital and TriArtisan Capital Advisors, who are distinctly un-Hooters.

What A Hoot!

Hooters was originally founded on April 1st, 42 years ago as an April Fool’s Day joke, so it’s pretty apt this bankruptcy filing comes around now. I guess Hooters was a big joke all along.

While many believe that Hooters is named after the big ol’ chonky honkers that were required dress code at the restaurants, this is in fact a myth. Hooters owes its name to a wise old owl called ‘Millicent’ who lived at the Cincinnati Zoo from 1867 to 1873. Millicent was a friend to all, but was particularly affectionate to small children and widowers.

Hooters Owl — A painting of ‘Millicent’ before she died

Millicent became known throughout America as a mascot for the zoo and would occasionally tour as part of the regional world fairs. Here, visitors from far and wide would marvel at Millicent’s particular affection for small children and widowers.

Although owls are evolved to eat live animals such as rodents and small children, Milicent was fed a strict diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings (which was all the rage at the time). And so when Milicent died at the tender age of 6 (which is 6 in owl years), her diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings was not presumed to be the culprit (since it was all the rage at the time).

Modern owlologists now know that it probably was her subsistence on spicy-spicy chicken wings that caused Milicent’s death.

The restaurant chain Hooters was thus founded in Milicent’s honor so that all might remember that spicy-spicy chicken wings are meant for humans and not owls.

Also people like boobs.

Donald Trump has reportedly called French right-wing politician Marine Le Pen to assure her that she has nothing to worry about after she was found guilty of embezzlement.

Over the three-hour phone call, Trump is said to have calmed down the distraught Marine Le Pen (which is French for ‘the pen is underwater’) by saying that embezzlement isn’t really a crime anyways.

“I got embezzled once,” Trump is rumored to have said. “It was a horrible thing, just terrible, the worst, but they said I did it better than anyone else. But they let me do it, you know? They said I was guilty and made me pay a lot of money, but they don’t remember any of that. Voters don’t remember. It was a show trial, a fraud, not me, I’m not a fraud, the trial I mean.”

The Pen is said to have assured Trump that this was different from one of his stupid American criminal trials and will likely end her political career. However, Trump disagreed.

“I say let ‘em do it. They let you keep your job and if anything it makes you more popular. When you’re voted in you just make convicting a president illegal. You should try that. Maybe become the president and then you could make it illegal, you know, to be embezzled.”

But that probably won’t happen since the Underwater Pen now has to serve four years under house arrest and pay €100,000 personally and €2 million from her party. And I don’t know about you, but that seems like a lot of money. She also can’t run again, which is really sad because that was her dream since she was a little girl. Penny will likely appeal the verdict.

People on X are, of course, popping off claiming that this is the death of democracy as we know it. And quite rightly so, embezzlement is a cornerstone of democracy.

Who knows, maybe France will one day be able to live in peace with corrupt politicians, but until that day, I’m sure we can all agree on the definition of embezzlement.

Thanks for reading! If you’d like to read the exact same joke for a second time, click here: Trump Calls South Korean President To Say Impeachment “Ain’t No Thang”

JD Vance has returned home from window-shopping Greenland, in which he reiterated that Trump really, really wants to invade the territory. Greenlanders have now responded to his threats with a resounding, “I’m sorry, who are you again?”

Unlike Americans, Greenlanders are not terminally online, and so to them, JD Vance was not the man of meme and legend but just some random politician who couldn’t be bothered to wear a suit.

Although J-to-the-D was supposed to spend days in Greenland, the visit was whittled down to just a few hours at Pituffik Space Base. During his visit, Vance gave a rousing speech in which he talked about the threat of China and Russia because, legally, he can’t threaten Greenland directly.

Vance then finished up his talk by planting the stars and stripes into the snow Iwo Jima-style.

However, it’s not clear that Vance actually wants the territory. When he first arrived, Vance commented, “It’s cold as shit here.” Throughout Vance’s address, he reiterated just how cold it was multiple times, a fact which the Greenlanders are likely well aware of.

“I think a lot of Americans wonder why does Greenland matter so much?” Vance said nicely in his speech. And as he continued to talk, it became clear from Vance’s expression that he was asking himself the same question.

Reportedly, Vance has taken his assessment back to Trump and both are now rethinking their plans for the golf course.

FOR MORE NEWS, here’s some news: Donald Trump Accidentally Adds JD Vance To Group Chat

A panel of leading medical experts has issued a health warning against the neurological condition colloquially known as ‘March Madness’.

Although previously thought to be just a fun moniker for the NCAA Division I men’s basketball competition and the betting surrounding said sport, March Madness is in fact a real disease and could potentially kill us all.

Citing a surge in stress-related ailments, sleep deprivation, emotional distress, and increased gambling, doctors are now calling for immediate action to mitigate the fatal consequences of ‘bracket mania’.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“We’re witnessing a public health crisis of unprecedented proportions,” declared Dr. Doctor (geniuniely his real name), a renowned cardiologist and self-proclaimed “bracketologist.” “The symptoms of ‘Bracket Fever’ are unmistakable: elevated blood pressure, heart palpitations, nail-biting, and an unhealthy obsession with Cinderella stories and buzzer-beaters.”

Emergency rooms across the country are reporting a dramatic increase in cases of “Bracket-Induced Anxiety Disorder” (BIAD), characterized by an irrational fear of busted brackets and a debilitating inability to make coherent decisions during the tournament.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“The sleep deprivation alone is alarming,” warned Dr. Sonambulatorious, a leading sleep specialist. “Fans are staying up all night, glued to their screens, tracking every upset and agonizing over their bracket picks. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

The emotional toll of March Madness is equally devastating. “We’re seeing a surge in cases of depression, anger, violence, arson, and most worrying of all: basketball,” said Dr. Feelgood, a psychiatrist specializing in sports-related trauma. “The agony of a busted bracket can trigger a cascade of negative emotions, leading to strained relationships, workplace conflicts, and even acts of arson. Everyone’s becoming a real… basket-case.”

Calls for Immediate(ish) Action

The medical community is calling for immediate(ish) action to address this national health crisis. Proposed solutions include:

Bracket Bans: Prohibiting the creation and sharing of brackets and any form of parenthetical [including the square ones] {and even those cool wiggly ones}, effectively eliminating the source of stress and anxiety.
Mandatory Timeouts: Enforcing mandatory month-long breaks in the middle of games to allow fans to de-stress, regain their composure, and maybe go to the toilet if they need.
Bracket Therapy: Providing professional counseling and support groups for those struggling with bracket-related trauma.
Upset Alerts: Implementing a national alert system to warn fans of impending upsets, allowing them to brace themselves for the emotional impact.

The Future of March Madness: A Disease We Can’t Cure?

Leading doctors fear these measures might not be enough and that sports fans across America and the globe might already be infected with the disease and could now be dormant carriers of the madness. The only hope may lie in developing a vaccine or treatment for March Madness, but the clock is ticking as the madness continues to spread.

For more sports-related disasters, read this: Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

OpenAI just added advanced image generation to ChatGPT 4.0, making it finally powerful enough to generate the highest expression of visual art: Studio Ghibli-style pictures of JD Vance.

But not everyone’s happy about this gift from God. In response, Donald Trump has issued an executive order outlawing any AI-generated memes of an anime JD Vance. Like this one, for example:

Ghibli Vance — (…Oh, shit, delete, DELETE!)

Posting on Truth Social, Trump explained:

“I hereby FORBID the use of ChatGPT to make JD VANCE AN ASIAN MAN. JD VANCE IS NOT AN ASIAN MAN!!!! The so-called failing ‘Studio Ghibli’ (which has not made a good movie since Porco Rosso) is trying to take away our national identity and greatest Vice President in history just because he has the face of a little baby child. NO MORE WHITE ERASURE!”

Anyone caught posting a Ghibli-fied Vance could face up to six months in jail, a fine of $14,000, and a restraining order against the Vice President.

Ad-Vance-d AI

In related news, Studio Ghibli has clapped back against the trend, threatening to sue OpenAI for plagiarism, which is unfair because everyone knows that plagiarism isn’t plagiarism when it’s AI. Any lawyer will tell you so.

In response to the potential suit, OpenAI responded with a hostile takeover bid against the Japanese animation house.

The purchase is likely to go through as OpenAI just finished its latest funding round, which gathered over $4 billion, and now the company doesn’t know what to do with all that money.

OpenAI has already laid out the future for Studio Ghibli, with plans to rebrand as ‘Studio GPT’ and release entirely AI-generated movies in an MCU-style interconnected universe beginning with a theatrical version of Vance’s adventures in ‘My Neighbor JD’.

Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki responded positively to the takeover, saying of AI, “I am utterly disgusted… I strongly feel that this is an insult to life itself.” So, double thumbs up there.

Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, has announced a new line of three-wheeled vehicles in an effort to outmaneuver Trump’s new 25% auto tariff.

Trump’s tariff is an import tax of 25% on all cars and car parts. However, since the tariff only affects 25%, one quarter of the vehicle, any vehicle with just three wheels is effectively exempt.

Jumping on (through?) this loophole, Elon Musk has unveiled a range of Tesla cars with just three wheels. The new model dubbed, ‘Tess-less’, is identical to a regular Tesla with only the small difference that it’s missing a wheel.

Concerned drivers have asked whether this would make the car unstable but Musk has assured these potential buyers that if they just lean a bit away from the missing wheel, it should be fine.

Musk has also demanded a full recall of all Teslas and Cybertrucks promising to remove just one wheel and then return the cars to their owners.

The moves have baffled automobile, finance and business experts alike with many commenting, “He really doesn’t have to do that.”

“I’m not sure what he’s thinking,” commented expert of business and monies, Aubroronis Macasalaticoursitay. “Obviously the tariff is a percentage of 25% percent [out of 100] charge on top of the original cost, not a tax on just a quarter of the vehicle. The math isn’t mathing.”

But Elon has defended the move in a post on X that quote-posted a racist meme, “I fired my math guy because he cost too much and I can do it better. Tesla will be tariff exempt and faster with just three wheels.” These words were then followed by a stream of irrelevant emojis.

Only time will tell whether the Tessless will be the future of motor vehicle travel technology or if it will be the death of us all but either way, one thing is for certain, err, I guess. Not sure what that thing is but boy am I certain of it.

To read more about Trump’s Tariffs click here: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

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