Marge Incall | Wall Street Memes

This is Peter. He likes to stay informed. He keeps up to date on the news from multiple sources. He’ll even pick up a book now and then. Peter thinks he’s on top of current affairs, but even Peter is confused by all the wars in the Middle East.

“A ceasefire! Oh my god, that’s great! Palestine’s free, it’s finally free!” says Peter reacting to the news of the ceasefire in Lebanon. When Peter’s friend, Naael, asks what’s happened, Peter incorrectly summarises: “They just announced a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas! The war is over!”

Peter then settles down to read beyond the headline. Peter quickly realizes he was wrong but doesn’t have the heart to correct himself to Naael. Naael then goes out into the world and spreads the good (fake) news.

Naael tells three of her friends about the ceasefire, those friends tell three of their friends, and within just a matter of hours, thousands of people believe the Israel-Palestine war has ended.

Thousands take to the streets to celebrate and the jubilations continue late into the night. Bystanders see the party and assume a ceasefire has occurred in Gaza, they can’t all be wrong, surely? And so the story spreads. Further, further, deeper and deeper, seeping into the minds of millions.

At last, this one great game of telephone comes to the desk of Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. He opens the intelligence report detailing the news of a ceasefire between Israel and Palestine. Bibi is confused. He does not remember signing such a ceasefire. He did sign one the other day, but that was with someone else…

Hmm. He has been fighting a lot of wars on a lot of fronts lately, it’s hard to keep them all straight. It definitely began with an ‘H’, Hamas? Hummus? Hezbollah? Hong Kong? It’s all very confusing. Maybe he did sign a ceasefire then. If everyone’s saying he did, then he must have done so. They can’t all be wrong…

Alright, says Bibi, hold the rockets, land the planes, fall back. The war is over.

Congratulations Peter, you were right all along.

In South Korea, a man has been convicted for attempting to avoid military service by binge eating until he became obese (for real though, I’m not making a story up this time). After being sentenced to a year in prison, the unnamed man (but let’s call him Egg) agreed to be drafted to avoid his prison sentence.

Military service is mandatory for all South Korean men under 28 but many will go to extreme lengths to avoid joining. Some get full-body tattoos, feign mental illness, or in Egg’s case, he “doubled his meal portions, refrained from physically demanding jobs such as parcel delivery work, and drank large amounts of water right before measurements.”

Egg was deemed fit for combat at his initial physical exam but during the final examination was judged to be heavily obese at a weight of 225lbs (102kg or roughly 2,400 eggs).

An unnamed friend (let’s call him Toast) was also sentenced to prison for encouraging Egg’s extreme weight gain but said he never thought his friend would go through with the plan. Perhaps he shouldn’t have EGGED him on. (It’s one thing to make a pun, it’s another to make a pun that you’ve completely contrived into existence. It feels so forced. I’m so ashamed. I’ve really got egg on my face.)

It is unclear if Egg will lose the weight before beginning active duty, however, he will likely be put on desk duty which is less dangerous than active duty but is sooo boring.

The story once again raises the debate over whether the draft should even exist or whether that law should be re-DRAFTed (oh Lord, I am a cowering worm, wet with shame). Famously the Korean K-Pop pop band of boys, BTS, the popular pop music boyband, is on hiatus as its members serve out their military service, sparing the world from their upbeat earworms until their reunion next year.

But drafting BTS might have been part of a larger plan. By folding K-Pop into the military, South Korea clearly seeks to weaponize BTS’s infectious tunes against North Korea. Journalists have already reported on elaborate concerts at the border. As North Koreans are forbidden from hearing music of any kind, these concerts hope to force the enemy soldiers to retreat and thus win strategic land for the South. Only now does it become clear that Korea’s government-funded K-Pop program is, and always has been, a military… PSY-op (Lord forgive me).

Following Ukraine’s first use of US missiles and Biden’s agreement to supply anti-personnel mines to the country, the President has now revealed that he will also allow Zelensky to use America’s secret weather-controlling technology.

The top-secret tornado machine was the same machine successfully deployed by Democrats this October in Florida to punish the red state for being red. Although details are scant on how it actually works, experts suggest the device may involve a giant teaspoon suspended by a helicopter that spins around really fast until a cyclone is created.

Now this same tech will be transported to Ukraine and operate against frontline Russian troops. The ‘Hurri-kraine’ as it has now been dubbed will likely disrupt communications, supply lines, and if we’re really lucky maybe we’ll even get a little snow and we can make snowmen or have a snowball fight, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Zelensky was happy to receive the machine, commenting, “Thank you.”

Putin however was not happy Ukraine now has the machine, commenting, “No thank you.”

The war rages on.

President Biden gave the order from his secret treehouse in the Amazon rainforest where he now lives. Some have accused Biden of attempting to start World War III before Trump can enter office. To this, Jobs Golightly, a White (Tree)House spokesperson said, “No, that’s poppycock. Everyone knows that WWIII has already begun. What else would you call an armed conflict in which all the nations of the globe have become involved? Please.”

When asked about the rain-maker and whether it would be deployed again on American soil where it belongs, Golightly responded, “Wait, that’s classified, how do you know about that? Why would you say that out loud? What the hell is wrong with you? Ugh. The lame-stream media make me sick. SICK! Sorry, I have to go and throw up.” He then promptly fled the room.

Here’s hoping Biden’s storm-o-matic 3000 will bring about a swift end to the war and have no other repercussions whatsoever like summoning the wrath of the weather spirits angered for challenging their might.

Stormy Daniels could not be reached for comment.

Danish model Victoria Kjær Theilvig has been crowned 2024’s Miss Universe winner, causing political commentators on the internet (well, just X, really) to go into meltdown.

Son of the next president, Donald Trump Jr., X’d (?) out, “Biological & objectively attractive women are allowed to win beauty pageants again. WE ARE SO BACK!!!”

Likewise, Dutch right-wing commentator Eva Vlaardingerbroek made an X, “Wow. An actual European, blonde, blue-eyed woman won Miss Universe. That’s legal again? The tides are truly turning.” Similar comments of “nature is healing” and “a biological woman finally wins” flooded the site.

That’s a lot to unpack. Firstly, a transgender woman has never won the Miss Universe beauty pageant so it is unclear what nature has healed from, what tides have changed and who is so back and why. Theilvig is the first Danish woman to win so maybe it’s the Danes who are back? Maybe Mr. Trump refers to some secret, imminent Viking invasion??

Secondly, the winners of the Miss Universe beauty pageant have all been “objectively attractive”, since beauty (and you might need to sit down for this) is the primary criterion for a beauty pageant. What does Mr. Trump want? Will nothing please this man!

Oh, it’s racism.

Now the ‘r’ word gets bandied about a lot these days. It can be an ad hominem attack, falsely used to silence a detractor. But if recent previous winners have been non-white, the only thing that’s changed is that the winner is now white and someone says that’s better, what word would you use? When Eva said, “European, blonde, blue-eyed woman”, could she possibly be implying race? If a commentator implies that beauty is only in a certain race, what would you call that? Dang, if only there was a word we could use. Oh well.

But never mind! The Daily Mail has just explained that these Xs were jokes. Jokes! Lighthearted japes! They were in jest. My bad. My bad! I’ve been trolled. I got trolled. L. O. L. They pretended to be offended so I got confused so now they can say, “Haha, you’re offended” and we all laugh and do this again tomorrow.

Thankfully the Daily Mail, along with the New York Post, explained the joke to me. You see, a transgender woman was allowed to compete last year and the owner of Miss Universe is a transgender woman. Again, a transgender woman has never actually won, but you could imagine it happening. It’s plausible that if a non-trans woman won the Miss Universe beauty pageant that would be a federal crime, so, it’s all very funny.

For balance, some people on X also commented that they were tired of another white, blonde woman winning, saying of Theilvig’s appearance things like, “dis literally how 97.3% of white bitches look”, so, you know, people can be stupid both ways I guess.

I just don’t get it. Why is this even news? Why is this something political pundits have to weigh in on? Why does everything have to be politicized?? It’s a Mexican beauty pageant! And it’s not even universal! Now, there’s something to complain about. Where are the bug-eyed, green-skinned women from Glorpo Glorpo 7? Now that’s true beauty.

“Dig the pit!” was a rallying cry for many Trump supporters during the election and will now become a reality after the president-to-be unveiled a new policy in a recent video: replace the entire US-Mexico border with a 2,000-mile long, 300-foot deep trench.

The “Anti-Wall”, the “Mexico-Moat” or simply, the “Trench”, will be paid for entirely by Mexico (for real this time) and the soil dug up to make the structure will be transported to the northern border with Canada to create a Game Of Thrones-style earth wall.

“It’ll be like the wall, but better,” explained Trump. “Like the wall but upside down, a beautiful thing, it’ll be so deep you can’t even see. I said aren’t you worried about the lava? Won’t you hit the lava? And they said no Mr. President it will be deep, deepest you’ve ever seen but the lava’s much deeper than that and I said couldn’t we maybe have some lava, just a little lava at the bottom maybe as well? And they said they would have to see, but I think we will have the lava. If you want to come into America you’ve got to win the floor is lava. That’s the new rule.”

The “Border Hole” is due to break ground on the day of Trump’s inauguration and will take an estimated 647 years to complete at the cost of $1500 per taxpayer. Despite the high cost, Republican lawmakers have insisted the project will be a net gain for the country.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said border expert and illegal immigrant, Jesus Bots. “A pit isn’t something you can just climb over, unlike a wall. You can’t use ladders or anything… oh, wait, maybe if you laid down a really long ladder, I didn’t think of that.”

Other non-experts have pointed out that the border already has large trenches as part of the current barrier, not to mention the Rio Grande which is technically a large trench, to which Mr. Bots interrupted, “Yes, but shhh-shh-sh.”

Some fear that the “Grander Canyon” will soon fill with the dead souls of the unfortunate immigrants who become caught inside and those spirits will de-evolve the natural wildlife into warped monstrosities that will seek to escape the pit and wreak revenge on all the Americans who allowed this to happen.

The Trump team has yet to comment on this possibility.

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Jonathan Trump has demanded that all the votes be recounted in what political commentators are describing as “a really dumb move.”

Tweeting from his Truth Social X account Trump wrote, “I WON and by MUCH MORE THAN THE FAKE NEWS is saying I did. WE WON EVERYWHERE!!!! STOP THE STEAL!!!!!!!”

Although advisors close to the president-elect have urged him to “take the w” and accept the sweeping republican landslide, reportedly Trump has refused, claiming the election was rigged in his favor but not in his favor enough.

“Yeah, he’s not going to let this one go,” said Preston Mobisher, senior advisor to the Trump campaign. “He really, really wanted to win Dixville Notch, New Hampshire. He was pissed when that came in as a tie and don’t think he’s going to accept the election until he gets it.”

Mobisher says Trump plans to refuse the invitation to his own inauguration and was last seen deleting congratulatory DMs from world leaders before heading to bed.

“If he… um, if he doesn’t want it, can I have it?” asked Vice President Harris in response to Trump’s refusal. “That’s how it works right? Because I’ll take it, I’ll settle for sloppy seconds, I’m not proud! *laughs maniacally*”

Weighing in on the controversy, current (yes) President Joe Biden commented, “Please Don, just take the job, I’m gonna be 82 this month. Just let me quit. Please.”

Some states have already rushed to fulfill the presidentially mandated request. One Nevada counting center was reportedly seen shaking up its giant, novelty-sized abacus to start counting all over again.

Many Americans stayed up late to find out the election results and now hope the recount won’t take too long as one voter put it, “I would very much like to sleep now please.” News hosts expressed a similar sentiment after Wolf Blitzer passed out live on air, bringing the virtual results map crashing down with him and accidentally calling the election for Al Gore in the process.

Whether counters will be able to find Trump’s missing 100% of the vote remains to be seen but one thing is for certain this may indeed turn out to be one of the most consequential, eventful, important, significant, and historicious elections of the past couple of weeks.

Back to you in the studio, Rolfe.

Tonight’s the night! Election night! Like Christmas Eve but shit! America waits with bated breath. Will the country scamper down the stairs tomorrow to a brand-new bicycle or a lump of coal covered in shit?

There’s only one way to find out: stay up all night watching numbers go up very slowly. Maybe, if you’ve been extra good this year, you’ll get to see footage of rooms of people counting bits of paper. It’s like if math was a sport or the DMV had live television coverage.

So, why not get into the festive spirit and play along at home? Here are some easy steps for recreating the perfect election night right here in your living room (yes, I am hidden somewhere in your living room).

First, gather all of your friends and family into your house and have them stand in disordered lines for hours. Feel free to spice things up with a little pushing and shoving depending on what hats people are wearing. Next, cut up 150 million pieces of paper into little strips, set yourself down at the table, and count every single one of them one by one. Once you’ve counted them all, congratulations you’ve found the winner! But oopsy, the loser doesn’t like the results and demands a recount so start all over again!

To add extra realism, allocate a friend or stranger to stand in the corner shouting their guesses about how many bits of paper you might count and how you will count it. 5,672? 7.8 billion? 4? Maybe you’ll count the ones on that side of the room first and the ones on the other side later, that’s what you did last year, that will be fun, you should do that.

It’s just a bit of fun, but also don’t forget that the entire future of everything is at stake. One simple way to recreate that election night fever and ensure everyone is on edge throughout the night is to serve only espresso but spike one with a slow-acting poison. Don’t tell your guests who has been poisoned but do tell them that the number of the correct vote count is also the code to the safe containing the antidote. So get counting guys!

If done correctly your guests will leave with the perfect blend of exhaustion, boredom, and fear, regardless of who won. Who wouldn’t be excited to do this all over again in four years’ time?

Merry Electionmas everybody!

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the United States of America. After a grueling but ultimately successful few months on the campaign trail [Kamala/Trump] has officially become the first President to also be a [woman/convicted felon].

A President with these credentials will surely bring about the destruction of America as we know it. In the next few weeks expect to see riots, skyrocketing inflation, and even the beginning of World War III all thanks to [Kamala/Trump].

Despotic dictators around the world have already phoned in to announce how pleased they are with the electorate’s destabilizing choice. Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated [Kamala/Trump] on [her/his] victory saying, “Everything is proceeding as planned. Our loyal puppet will now bring about the New Russian Order! Huzzah!”

The defeated candidate returned to their home in [idk the White House??/Florida] and has already [accepted/challenged] the results. [Republican/Democratic] protests broke out across the country but [Kamala/Trump] clamped down on their political opponents in what is being dubbed by many as the end of free speech.

The economy has already spiraled out of control with the price of gas at much higher than an all-time high and the value of the dollar at much lower than an all-time low. The price of eggs is now the price of ham and the price of ham is now the price of most clothes-still-on sexual favors.

COVID. Remember that? Yeah, that’s back too, and all because they [followed/didn’t follow] the science. People are now dying and coughing at the same time again and it’s all [Kamala/Trump]’s fault.

[PICK ONE: Kamala has immediately fulfilled her campaign promise of “We’re not going back” by unleashing a totally new, hitherto unimagined hell upon this country. OR: Trump has immediately fulfilled his campaign promise of “Make America great again” by making America as great as it was during the Great Depression.]

Newly elected Vice President, [Tim Walz/JD Vance] has yet to be seen doing much of anything.

[TEMPLATE. DO NOT FORGET TO CHANGE ON WEDNESDAY DON’T DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME WHEN YOU PUBLISHED THE UNEDITED VERSION AND GOT YOURSELF IN A RIGHT-OLD TIZ YOU SILLY GOOSE. THIS IS IMPORTANT ALRIGHT, DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS AT STAKE HERE YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR READERS TO GET OUT FACTUAL INFORMATION AND …you’ve already hit publish, haven’t you?]

With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been ramping up their appearances and political rhetoric but there’s one man who’s looking forward to ramping down.

Local man, Tony Fallose has been following both election campaigns closely ever since they began back in a few weeks ago.

“I don’t even like politics, I just feel like I have to and it’s there, I guess,” explained Fallose in an unverified statement. “But then the more you read the more you start to form an opinion, then you get invested and before you know it it’s the only thing you can think, talk, or dream about. It’s like a baseball game that you can’t help but look at because you paid tickets to go see it.”

Tony works a regular job, just like you or me, he has a pet turtle called Oblong, just like me or you, and takes his daily COVID vaccine, just like you or I. But unlike I or you, Tony Fallose is looking forward to when the politics is over and he can return to his true passion: thinking about birds.

“I’m just sick of it, you know? Every day there’s politics. Every day! It’s exhausting. The name-calling, the war, the other war, the economics, the pretending to be interested in my taxes. No one likes economics, are you kidding me? I can’t wait for it to be over then I can just sit here and think about birds.”

“Falcon. Partridge. Rhinoceros hornbill. Now those are things people like. I don’t care about other people, what, you think I want to think about illegal immigrants or Kentucky coal miners or Tim Walz? No. I want to think about how the Florida Grasshopper Sparrow tends to have darker plumage and a larger bill than the Grasshopper Sparrow.”

Mr. Fallose will likely achieve his goal of thinking about birds come November 5th however he seemed unaware that the politics would in fact continue after the election.

“You’re kidding me, right? Then what the hell am I voting to end? Next thing you’re going to tell me that they’ll do this again in four years’ time… wait, THEY WHAT?!”

24-year-old, Dilgen Belsif is a retired influencer from Erm, Pennsylvania. She’s been following the election cycle avidly but now that it’s nearly time to cast her vote, she’s cautious. “Neither of them really speaks directly to me and my face, you know? So I think I’ll vote for both.”

Dilgen is part of a growing trend of boomer and Gen-Z voters who are apathetic and disillusioned with the system so plan on voting for both the Democratic and Republican candidates come November 5th.

“Neither of them really get my vote, you see,” explains Dilgen, hyperventilating between words. “But this way I don’t feel the guilt of not voting either.”

Meanwhile, in rural Austin, Texas, 48-year-old Carton Carsowell expresses similar disinterest. “Didn’t we already have an election just four years ago? What so we’re going to do this every four years forever? They must have found someone good by now.”

Whilst Carton has been a lifelong Republican, he now says that he too will be voting for both candidates. “You know, like how the French do it?” he says. “I just couldn’t bring myself to help elect a guy who called my man Mike Pence a wimp once. Of course, I’m still voting Trump but if I vote for Kamala as well, then my vote cancels out, so it’s all good.”

Unfortunately for Carton and many other voters, the American system is not “like how the French do it,” and voting for both constitutes a spoiled ballot. A vote for both candidates would cause the vote to be thrown out and so neither vote would be counted… which would effectively cancel out both votes… Huh.

Widower Jeannly Tipplers, 68, represents another reason to vote for both candidates. As Jeannly puts it, “I just think they’re both swell. I couldn’t possibly pick one. They are all so adorable.”

Jeannly is a “double lover” as they’re known and represents a surprisingly large, 0.4% of the electorate. She believes that both have done, “an equally swell job in the past and they both deserve a second chance. I just feel that they could work real well together and maybe, just maybe, my vote for both will encourage them to team up instead.”

Friends of Jeannly have made plans to prevent her from voting come election day and have hidden her car keys ahead of time. “If Jeannly’s the reason Jill Stein wins again I’ll break her legs. I’m not even kidding,” said one neighbor.

Whatever the outcome of this election, one thing is certain, it has indeed been an election.

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