Marge Incall | Wall Street Memes

Following Ukraine’s first use of US missiles and Biden’s agreement to supply anti-personnel mines to the country, the President has now revealed that he will also allow Zelensky to use America’s secret weather-controlling technology.

The top-secret tornado machine was the same machine successfully deployed by Democrats this October in Florida to punish the red state for being red. Although details are scant on how it actually works, experts suggest the device may involve a giant teaspoon suspended by a helicopter that spins around really fast until a cyclone is created.

Now this same tech will be transported to Ukraine and operate against frontline Russian troops. The ‘Hurri-kraine’ as it has now been dubbed will likely disrupt communications, supply lines, and if we’re really lucky maybe we’ll even get a little snow and we can make snowmen or have a snowball fight, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Zelensky was happy to receive the machine, commenting, “Thank you.”

Putin however was not happy Ukraine now has the machine, commenting, “No thank you.”

The war rages on.

President Biden gave the order from his secret treehouse in the Amazon rainforest where he now lives. Some have accused Biden of attempting to start World War III before Trump can enter office. To this, Jobs Golightly, a White (Tree)House spokesperson said, “No, that’s poppycock. Everyone knows that WWIII has already begun. What else would you call an armed conflict in which all the nations of the globe have become involved? Please.”

When asked about the rain-maker and whether it would be deployed again on American soil where it belongs, Golightly responded, “Wait, that’s classified, how do you know about that? Why would you say that out loud? What the hell is wrong with you? Ugh. The lame-stream media make me sick. SICK! Sorry, I have to go and throw up.” He then promptly fled the room.

Here’s hoping Biden’s storm-o-matic 3000 will bring about a swift end to the war and have no other repercussions whatsoever like summoning the wrath of the weather spirits angered for challenging their might.

Stormy Daniels could not be reached for comment.

Danish model Victoria Kjær Theilvig has been crowned 2024’s Miss Universe winner, causing political commentators on the internet (well, just X, really) to go into meltdown.

Son of the next president, Donald Trump Jr., X’d (?) out, “Biological & objectively attractive women are allowed to win beauty pageants again. WE ARE SO BACK!!!”

Likewise, Dutch right-wing commentator Eva Vlaardingerbroek made an X, “Wow. An actual European, blonde, blue-eyed woman won Miss Universe. That’s legal again? The tides are truly turning.” Similar comments of “nature is healing” and “a biological woman finally wins” flooded the site.

That’s a lot to unpack. Firstly, a transgender woman has never won the Miss Universe beauty pageant so it is unclear what nature has healed from, what tides have changed and who is so back and why. Theilvig is the first Danish woman to win so maybe it’s the Danes who are back? Maybe Mr. Trump refers to some secret, imminent Viking invasion??

Secondly, the winners of the Miss Universe beauty pageant have all been “objectively attractive”, since beauty (and you might need to sit down for this) is the primary criterion for a beauty pageant. What does Mr. Trump want? Will nothing please this man!

Oh, it’s racism.

Now the ‘r’ word gets bandied about a lot these days. It can be an ad hominem attack, falsely used to silence a detractor. But if recent previous winners have been non-white, the only thing that’s changed is that the winner is now white and someone says that’s better, what word would you use? When Eva said, “European, blonde, blue-eyed woman”, could she possibly be implying race? If a commentator implies that beauty is only in a certain race, what would you call that? Dang, if only there was a word we could use. Oh well.

But never mind! The Daily Mail has just explained that these Xs were jokes. Jokes! Lighthearted japes! They were in jest. My bad. My bad! I’ve been trolled. I got trolled. L. O. L. They pretended to be offended so I got confused so now they can say, “Haha, you’re offended” and we all laugh and do this again tomorrow.

Thankfully the Daily Mail, along with the New York Post, explained the joke to me. You see, a transgender woman was allowed to compete last year and the owner of Miss Universe is a transgender woman. Again, a transgender woman has never actually won, but you could imagine it happening. It’s plausible that if a non-trans woman won the Miss Universe beauty pageant that would be a federal crime, so, it’s all very funny.

For balance, some people on X also commented that they were tired of another white, blonde woman winning, saying of Theilvig’s appearance things like, “dis literally how 97.3% of white bitches look”, so, you know, people can be stupid both ways I guess.

I just don’t get it. Why is this even news? Why is this something political pundits have to weigh in on? Why does everything have to be politicized?? It’s a Mexican beauty pageant! And it’s not even universal! Now, there’s something to complain about. Where are the bug-eyed, green-skinned women from Glorpo Glorpo 7? Now that’s true beauty.

“Dig the pit!” was a rallying cry for many Trump supporters during the election and will now become a reality after the president-to-be unveiled a new policy in a recent video: replace the entire US-Mexico border with a 2,000-mile long, 300-foot deep trench.

The “Anti-Wall”, the “Mexico-Moat” or simply, the “Trench”, will be paid for entirely by Mexico (for real this time) and the soil dug up to make the structure will be transported to the northern border with Canada to create a Game Of Thrones-style earth wall.

“It’ll be like the wall, but better,” explained Trump. “Like the wall but upside down, a beautiful thing, it’ll be so deep you can’t even see. I said aren’t you worried about the lava? Won’t you hit the lava? And they said no Mr. President it will be deep, deepest you’ve ever seen but the lava’s much deeper than that and I said couldn’t we maybe have some lava, just a little lava at the bottom maybe as well? And they said they would have to see, but I think we will have the lava. If you want to come into America you’ve got to win the floor is lava. That’s the new rule.”

The “Border Hole” is due to break ground on the day of Trump’s inauguration and will take an estimated 647 years to complete at the cost of $1500 per taxpayer. Despite the high cost, Republican lawmakers have insisted the project will be a net gain for the country.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said border expert and illegal immigrant, Jesus Bots. “A pit isn’t something you can just climb over, unlike a wall. You can’t use ladders or anything… oh, wait, maybe if you laid down a really long ladder, I didn’t think of that.”

Other non-experts have pointed out that the border already has large trenches as part of the current barrier, not to mention the Rio Grande which is technically a large trench, to which Mr. Bots interrupted, “Yes, but shhh-shh-sh.”

Some fear that the “Grander Canyon” will soon fill with the dead souls of the unfortunate immigrants who become caught inside and those spirits will de-evolve the natural wildlife into warped monstrosities that will seek to escape the pit and wreak revenge on all the Americans who allowed this to happen.

The Trump team has yet to comment on this possibility.

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Jonathan Trump has demanded that all the votes be recounted in what political commentators are describing as “a really dumb move.”

Tweeting from his Truth Social X account Trump wrote, “I WON and by MUCH MORE THAN THE FAKE NEWS is saying I did. WE WON EVERYWHERE!!!! STOP THE STEAL!!!!!!!”

Although advisors close to the president-elect have urged him to “take the w” and accept the sweeping republican landslide, reportedly Trump has refused, claiming the election was rigged in his favor but not in his favor enough.

“Yeah, he’s not going to let this one go,” said Preston Mobisher, senior advisor to the Trump campaign. “He really, really wanted to win Dixville Notch, New Hampshire. He was pissed when that came in as a tie and don’t think he’s going to accept the election until he gets it.”

Mobisher says Trump plans to refuse the invitation to his own inauguration and was last seen deleting congratulatory DMs from world leaders before heading to bed.

“If he… um, if he doesn’t want it, can I have it?” asked Vice President Harris in response to Trump’s refusal. “That’s how it works right? Because I’ll take it, I’ll settle for sloppy seconds, I’m not proud! *laughs maniacally*”

Weighing in on the controversy, current (yes) President Joe Biden commented, “Please Don, just take the job, I’m gonna be 82 this month. Just let me quit. Please.”

Some states have already rushed to fulfill the presidentially mandated request. One Nevada counting center was reportedly seen shaking up its giant, novelty-sized abacus to start counting all over again.

Many Americans stayed up late to find out the election results and now hope the recount won’t take too long as one voter put it, “I would very much like to sleep now please.” News hosts expressed a similar sentiment after Wolf Blitzer passed out live on air, bringing the virtual results map crashing down with him and accidentally calling the election for Al Gore in the process.

Whether counters will be able to find Trump’s missing 100% of the vote remains to be seen but one thing is for certain this may indeed turn out to be one of the most consequential, eventful, important, significant, and historicious elections of the past couple of weeks.

Back to you in the studio, Rolfe.

Tonight’s the night! Election night! Like Christmas Eve but shit! America waits with bated breath. Will the country scamper down the stairs tomorrow to a brand-new bicycle or a lump of coal covered in shit?

There’s only one way to find out: stay up all night watching numbers go up very slowly. Maybe, if you’ve been extra good this year, you’ll get to see footage of rooms of people counting bits of paper. It’s like if math was a sport or the DMV had live television coverage.

So, why not get into the festive spirit and play along at home? Here are some easy steps for recreating the perfect election night right here in your living room (yes, I am hidden somewhere in your living room).

First, gather all of your friends and family into your house and have them stand in disordered lines for hours. Feel free to spice things up with a little pushing and shoving depending on what hats people are wearing. Next, cut up 150 million pieces of paper into little strips, set yourself down at the table, and count every single one of them one by one. Once you’ve counted them all, congratulations you’ve found the winner! But oopsy, the loser doesn’t like the results and demands a recount so start all over again!

To add extra realism, allocate a friend or stranger to stand in the corner shouting their guesses about how many bits of paper you might count and how you will count it. 5,672? 7.8 billion? 4? Maybe you’ll count the ones on that side of the room first and the ones on the other side later, that’s what you did last year, that will be fun, you should do that.

It’s just a bit of fun, but also don’t forget that the entire future of everything is at stake. One simple way to recreate that election night fever and ensure everyone is on edge throughout the night is to serve only espresso but spike one with a slow-acting poison. Don’t tell your guests who has been poisoned but do tell them that the number of the correct vote count is also the code to the safe containing the antidote. So get counting guys!

If done correctly your guests will leave with the perfect blend of exhaustion, boredom, and fear, regardless of who won. Who wouldn’t be excited to do this all over again in four years’ time?

Merry Electionmas everybody!

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the United States of America. After a grueling but ultimately successful few months on the campaign trail [Kamala/Trump] has officially become the first President to also be a [woman/convicted felon].

A President with these credentials will surely bring about the destruction of America as we know it. In the next few weeks expect to see riots, skyrocketing inflation, and even the beginning of World War III all thanks to [Kamala/Trump].

Despotic dictators around the world have already phoned in to announce how pleased they are with the electorate’s destabilizing choice. Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated [Kamala/Trump] on [her/his] victory saying, “Everything is proceeding as planned. Our loyal puppet will now bring about the New Russian Order! Huzzah!”

The defeated candidate returned to their home in [idk the White House??/Florida] and has already [accepted/challenged] the results. [Republican/Democratic] protests broke out across the country but [Kamala/Trump] clamped down on their political opponents in what is being dubbed by many as the end of free speech.

The economy has already spiraled out of control with the price of gas at much higher than an all-time high and the value of the dollar at much lower than an all-time low. The price of eggs is now the price of ham and the price of ham is now the price of most clothes-still-on sexual favors.

COVID. Remember that? Yeah, that’s back too, and all because they [followed/didn’t follow] the science. People are now dying and coughing at the same time again and it’s all [Kamala/Trump]’s fault.

[PICK ONE: Kamala has immediately fulfilled her campaign promise of “We’re not going back” by unleashing a totally new, hitherto unimagined hell upon this country. OR: Trump has immediately fulfilled his campaign promise of “Make America great again” by making America as great as it was during the Great Depression.]

Newly elected Vice President, [Tim Walz/JD Vance] has yet to be seen doing much of anything.

[TEMPLATE. DO NOT FORGET TO CHANGE ON WEDNESDAY DON’T DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME WHEN YOU PUBLISHED THE UNEDITED VERSION AND GOT YOURSELF IN A RIGHT-OLD TIZ YOU SILLY GOOSE. THIS IS IMPORTANT ALRIGHT, DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS AT STAKE HERE YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR READERS TO GET OUT FACTUAL INFORMATION AND …you’ve already hit publish, haven’t you?]

With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been ramping up their appearances and political rhetoric but there’s one man who’s looking forward to ramping down.

Local man, Tony Fallose has been following both election campaigns closely ever since they began back in a few weeks ago.

“I don’t even like politics, I just feel like I have to and it’s there, I guess,” explained Fallose in an unverified statement. “But then the more you read the more you start to form an opinion, then you get invested and before you know it it’s the only thing you can think, talk, or dream about. It’s like a baseball game that you can’t help but look at because you paid tickets to go see it.”

Tony works a regular job, just like you or me, he has a pet turtle called Oblong, just like me or you, and takes his daily COVID vaccine, just like you or I. But unlike I or you, Tony Fallose is looking forward to when the politics is over and he can return to his true passion: thinking about birds.

“I’m just sick of it, you know? Every day there’s politics. Every day! It’s exhausting. The name-calling, the war, the other war, the economics, the pretending to be interested in my taxes. No one likes economics, are you kidding me? I can’t wait for it to be over then I can just sit here and think about birds.”

“Falcon. Partridge. Rhinoceros hornbill. Now those are things people like. I don’t care about other people, what, you think I want to think about illegal immigrants or Kentucky coal miners or Tim Walz? No. I want to think about how the Florida Grasshopper Sparrow tends to have darker plumage and a larger bill than the Grasshopper Sparrow.”

Mr. Fallose will likely achieve his goal of thinking about birds come November 5th however he seemed unaware that the politics would in fact continue after the election.

“You’re kidding me, right? Then what the hell am I voting to end? Next thing you’re going to tell me that they’ll do this again in four years’ time… wait, THEY WHAT?!”

24-year-old, Dilgen Belsif is a retired influencer from Erm, Pennsylvania. She’s been following the election cycle avidly but now that it’s nearly time to cast her vote, she’s cautious. “Neither of them really speaks directly to me and my face, you know? So I think I’ll vote for both.”

Dilgen is part of a growing trend of boomer and Gen-Z voters who are apathetic and disillusioned with the system so plan on voting for both the Democratic and Republican candidates come November 5th.

“Neither of them really get my vote, you see,” explains Dilgen, hyperventilating between words. “But this way I don’t feel the guilt of not voting either.”

Meanwhile, in rural Austin, Texas, 48-year-old Carton Carsowell expresses similar disinterest. “Didn’t we already have an election just four years ago? What so we’re going to do this every four years forever? They must have found someone good by now.”

Whilst Carton has been a lifelong Republican, he now says that he too will be voting for both candidates. “You know, like how the French do it?” he says. “I just couldn’t bring myself to help elect a guy who called my man Mike Pence a wimp once. Of course, I’m still voting Trump but if I vote for Kamala as well, then my vote cancels out, so it’s all good.”

Unfortunately for Carton and many other voters, the American system is not “like how the French do it,” and voting for both constitutes a spoiled ballot. A vote for both candidates would cause the vote to be thrown out and so neither vote would be counted… which would effectively cancel out both votes… Huh.

Widower Jeannly Tipplers, 68, represents another reason to vote for both candidates. As Jeannly puts it, “I just think they’re both swell. I couldn’t possibly pick one. They are all so adorable.”

Jeannly is a “double lover” as they’re known and represents a surprisingly large, 0.4% of the electorate. She believes that both have done, “an equally swell job in the past and they both deserve a second chance. I just feel that they could work real well together and maybe, just maybe, my vote for both will encourage them to team up instead.”

Friends of Jeannly have made plans to prevent her from voting come election day and have hidden her car keys ahead of time. “If Jeannly’s the reason Jill Stein wins again I’ll break her legs. I’m not even kidding,” said one neighbor.

Whatever the outcome of this election, one thing is certain, it has indeed been an election.

It’s been a rough couple of days to be a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean. On Sunday, a Trump rally comedian joked that Puerto Rico was a “floating island of garbage,” and today, Joe Biden snapped back, “The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.” Now, the real garbage island has finally broken its silence and opened up about becoming a political talking point.

“Yeah, I was shocked,” said the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, speaking for the first time on the incident. “I didn’t even know until the North Atlantic Garbage Patch texted me saying, ‘Girl you’re blowing up!’ So, I checked my phones (I have a lot of used phones) and at first I was insulted, but then I saw it was a joke and I said, ‘haha’ out loud.”

“I’m used to it, I’ve been called trash, I’ve been called a gyre vortex, I’ve been called 620,000 square miles across, so being called Puerto Rico doesn’t really bother me, I just tell myself it’s all just water under the trash island.”

Roast comedian Tony Hinchcliffe’s joke at Trump Madison Square Garden rally sparked backlash and calls to “Kill Tony”… Oh, no, wait that’s just the name of his podcast. Trump has since disavowed the joke, “I don’t know who it is… I don’t want anybody making nasty jokes or stupid jokes. Probably he shouldn’t have been there.” …Tough crowd.

However, the real patch didn’t mind the joke, “But then the President compared me to Trump supporters and I thought that was too far.” The GPGP is referring to Joe Biden’s slurred clapback at Hinchcliffe’s joke saying, “Well let me tell you something, I don’t, I, I, I don’t know

the Puerto Rican that, that I know, or Puerto Rico where I’m fr- my home state of Delaware they’re good, decent, honorable people. The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters, his, his, his demonization is seen as unconscionable.” …Real tough crowd.

“I can take the insults, but what really upsets me is that no one came and asked how I felt. I felt like garbage, which is normal, but yeah, not great. This stinks.”

The Garbage Patch says it feels left out to drift by the conversation but now plans to capitalize on this political momentum by announcing its plans to run for President in 2028.

“GOP GPGP 2028 MATA: MAKE AMERICA TRASH AGAIN!” it said in a now-deleted Tweet.

Despite repeated requests to ensure a peaceful transfer of power, musician Taylor Swift has refused to accept the election results should Donald Trump win.

“My legion of Swifties shalt rise from the earth, march upon the capitol with the crash of a thousand feet, and see those hallowed halls bathed in flame before I call that man my king,” Ms. Swift said during a concert yesterday.

With over 284 million followers on Instagram, experts predict that should Swift raise her banners, every single one of them would march on the capitol to prevent the election from being ratified.

“How canst power bestowed upon a tyrant be deemed ‘free and fair’?” Ms. Swift continued, “Were we to hand a killer his own blade, would we call that justice? Nay, I say!”

Taylor Swift has a long history of election scepticism claiming that all elections prior to her more recent endorsements were rigged. Despite having an album called, ‘Red’, Swift has criticized Republican Donald Trump for inciting violence, calling her a cat lady and heckling her during a concert.

As her Eras Tour begins its last leg, fans have noticed that Swift plays fewer and fewer songs favoring instead political rants and chants. Potentially Swift is attempting to counterbalance Trump’s rallies which now feature more music than speeches.

“When ripped from the people’s grasp a democracy will bleed and die! Slay the fiend that holds power from us! Fight! Fight! Fight!” Taytay shouted before an acoustic rendition of ‘Shake It Off’.

Of the songs remaining on the setlist, Swift has altered their lyrics to include subtle political messages. Examples include, “I’ve got a blank vote, baby, and you’ll write my name,” “I knew you were trouble when you were voted in,” and “Because baby, now we got bad blood, you know it’s a flawed electoral college system,” and so on.

Most controversially, Taylor Swift stated that, “A stolen, rigged election would be an election without a vote for Taylor Swift” Wait, what did she say? She’s running? I’m confused, I thought she supported Kamala, hold on. “A vote for Swift is a vote for me!” No, wait, she’s not running. “I have conquered music. I have conquered fashion. ALL THAT IS LEFT FOR ME TO CONQUER IS THE WORLD!” No, Taylor, stop, no, please, she’s too powerful, oh Jesus! “BOW, SERVILE BEFORE MY MIGHT, GAZE IN TERROR UPON THE GLEAMING FACE OF GOD AND SEAR THE NAME OF ‘TAYLOR’ UPON THY LIPS!!!”

Latest news

BREAKING: 100 Men Arrested For Attacking Zoo Gorilla

China Sets Trump To Mute On Trade Talks

Trump’s Top 100 Achievements In 100 Days

Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla

Related Articles

Max Profit • April 29, 2025

China Sets Trump To Mute On Trade Talks

Pen Smith • April 28, 2025

Trump’s Top 100 Achievements In 100 Days

Max Profit • April 25, 2025

Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

Latest news

BREAKING: 100 Men Arrested For Attacking Zoo Gorilla

China Sets Trump To Mute On Trade Talks

Trump’s Top 100 Achievements In 100 Days

Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla

Marge Incall• November 23, 2024D

Biden To Lend Ukraine His Secret Hurricane-Making Machine

Marge Incall• D

Biden To Lend Ukraine His Secret Hurricane-Making Machine

Trending News

Latest news

BREAKING: 100 Men Arrested For Attacking Zoo Gorilla

China Sets Trump To Mute On Trade Talks

Trump’s Top 100 Achievements In 100 Days

Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla

Related Articles

Marge Incall • April 30, 2025

BREAKING: 100 Men Arrested For Attacking Zoo Gorilla

Pen Smith • April 19, 2025

JD Vance Pleads Not Guilty To Pope Murder

Max Profit • April 17, 2025

Katy Perry Struggling To Readjust To Life On Earth, “Space Is My True Home Now”

Latest news

BREAKING: 100 Men Arrested For Attacking Zoo Gorilla

China Sets Trump To Mute On Trade Talks

Trump’s Top 100 Achievements In 100 Days

Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”