2025 | Wall Street Memes

Elon Musk, the world’s most rich man by volume, just gate-crashed his own earnings call to beg shareholders to vote in favor of his controversial $1 trillion pay package. Come on, a guy’s got to eat.

Musk interrupted his CFO at the end of the 75-minute call to say, “I just think that there needs to be enough voting control to give a strong influence, but not, not so much that I can’t be fired if I go insane.”

Wait, why… why would ‘going insane’ even be on the cards, Elon? I never thought you’d go insane. Why did you bring that up? I’m definitely worried that’s now an option, ELON.

Weirdly, that’s almost exactly what he said back in August when he weaselled himself a $30 billion pay bump, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.” We get it, you could go cray-cray, please stop saying it.

Well, If You Musk Ask… ELON musg thad is.

But other than that, I feel this is a weirdly measured response which basically boils down to ‘I need more power, please.’

Elon carried on, “I just don’t feel comfortable building a robot army here and then being ousted because of some asinine recommendations from ISS and Glass Lewis who have no freaking clue.” Jesus, no one’s asking you to build a robot army. I think you might have already gone insane, sir.

Look, a big fat trilly sounds insane for the man who’s already worth more than the entire GDP of his home South Africa, BUT, as a spokesperson put it, “The proposed pay package is actually worth zero to our CEO unless and until the shareholders see the value of the company nearly double and an operational milestone is met.”

Basically, look at this graph:

It’s not money for nothing; Musk would have to see a massive turnaround in the EV maker’s fortunes if he’s to get even close to that trillion number. But he’s got to have incentives and what could possibly incentivise a man who’s worth 489.6 billion USD?

I’m sure you’re job is the same, I just know that you wouldn’t get out of bed if you weren’t dangled a massive bonus of double your current earnings ON TOP OF your current pay. What, you work to the best of your ability and still only get paid your normal rate? Well, shit, sorry mate, maybe you should have thought about that before you became poor.

Elon might have an uphill battle for the monies, considering Tesla’s been in a rut lately. Yes, they had a record quarterly revenue from buyers trying to cash in their expiring tax credits, BUT profits dropped 37%. The company continues to face threats from all sides: the US government, Chinese competition, and this random bill for one trillion dollars that no one can seem to explain…

China controls 90% of the world’s refined rare earth mineral output, something that it turns out we need for batteries and such. Now that’s a serious bargaining chip to hold hostage if you want to do any kind of negotiating with your enemy, the United States of America.

So now Trump’s got to break the stranglehold that China has on this sector if he’s even going to stand a chance in the upcoming/ongoing trade talks with the superpower.

So what’s he going to do? Well, he’s already made a deal with Australia to get their rare earths. (It’s rare because no other earths come from Australia.) But that might not be enough since it’s processing those earths that’s the issue and China does all that in house, that’s why they’re the market leaders in rare earths.

China Trump rare earth deal minecraft — The rare earth in question.

But here’s my question, how do you go about processing earths? If you clean a dirt then what do you have left? Nothing, surely. Like, earth is just dirt right, so if you clean off the dirt from the earth then you’re just cleaning off the earth from the earth. What are you left with? Nothing. …no wonder it’s rare, can’t get rarer than not existing…

Ok, but assuming that you can clean dirt or whatever, the US government’s been pushing to get more rare earth miners onto US soil, even going so far as to take a stake in some of these companies. Now, Trump’s looking to extend that to Australia, maybe Japan, but not China, they’re the bad guys.

China, China, China, China

AUS and US have agreed to $1 billion joint investments in the sector all to build a $8.5 billion pipeline…not a literally pipeline mind you. You can’t pump earth through a pipe. My roommate Darren is a plumber and he explained to me that pipes are for water and other liquids, if you start putting soil and metal into pipes they won’t work. Wise man that Darren.

All this is a useful play, for sure, but it’s main purpose is to break the stalemate in the trade talks. China recently withheld their rare earths because they know they’re rare and they know America wants them sooo badly.

But if Trump can break the US’s reliance on China’s earth then maybe they can get their 10000% tariffs through.

Idk, let’s see how this plays out.

Bing, Yahoo, the US Government, a good encyclopedia, so many have tried to break Google’s near-total monopoly on searching for information that I think we all just imagined typing in what we were looking for, clicking a link, and calling that a ‘google’ would just always be how we connected with reality.

But just building an identical search engine was never going to take on the goog. No, we needed to rethink everything, not just offer a slightly different search, but change the way we think about retrieving information altogether.

And you know the next part of the story: AI.

Yeah, turns out people like talking to something to get their information, you know, like we’ve evolved to do for millions of years.

Google Shmoogle

ChatGPT’s long been coming for Google’s lunch, and now they’ve really stepped onto their turf with the launch of the shitily-named OpenAI’s ChatGPT Atlas. Don’t worry, I’m sure we won’t shorten it to Atlas, which would make sense, no, we’ll keep calling it ChatGPT forever.

It’s currently only available on Mac (because of course it is) and replaces regular web browsing with an AI-enhanced search. Yay…

Now no one can make fun of grandma for googling, “Excuse me, Mr. Google, but please do you happen to know what the capital of Gibraltar is? And if so, please could you tell me the answer?” rather than just, “Gibraltar capital.”

OpenAI's ChatGPT Google Rival, Atlas — Great, but does it have a little animated logo for when the Olympic Games come around?

Atlas has come about because the non-profit OpenAI has only now realised that they need to make money. Funny that. So the idea is that brands will pay OpenAI to have their products listed higher than others. Oh, I’m sorry, did you want reliable information? Phhf, gtfo.

It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for ‘em

Google is still king with the most popular web browser in the world, Chrome. Microsoft Edge is the default on all Windows computers, and here’s the crucial thing. Both browsers are already offering their own AI search options, basically the same product ChatGPT just launched, but with more core users.

And here I am, writing this in a Google doc, Google News opened in another tab, running in Chrome, all on my Chromebook. So yeah, un-monopolising this monopoly will be an uphill battle for sure.

Who knows, maybe someday OpenAI or someone else will dethrone the king, but whatever happens, whether we’re searching with ChatGPT, Bing, or Ask Jeeves, I think we’ll always call it a ‘google’.

At 9:30 in the morning, four masked intruders climbed a ladder, broke intruder window, and stole over $102 million worth of jewels from the Louvre museum in Paris, all in under eight minutes… and they didn’t even pay for any of it.

Yes, this is the Louvre jewelry heist, the biggest heist in France since Nicolas Sarkozy heisted dirty Libyan money for his presidential campaign.

But how does it compare to previous heists in the world? Let’s take a look at the top ten museum heists ranked by how cool they were (plus some random means because why not?):

10. The Louvre Jewelry Heist That Just Happened

We’re starting with the most recent one in which priceless crown jewels, including ones owned by THE Napoleon were stolen. The jewels will likely be removed and the metal melted down, basically for the scrap value alone. Not cool.

9. Ocean’s 8

Obviously, the Ocean movies have to make an appearance on this list and I’m NOT talking about Finding Nemo here. The eighth entry into the series is maybe the worst, but not because it has women in. I am not a misogynist. No, this movie sucks because the plot sucks. There literally isn’t a clever heist in here, no clever twist; they just take the necklace. It sucks.

8. The Heist of Jacob de Gheyn III

Yeah, I’d never heard of it either, but apparently this is one of the most stolen paintings in the world, having been stolen in 1966, 1973, 1981 AND 1982 wtf guys, literally just put it somewhere else.

7. Ocean’s 13

The second worst Oceans film is the third in the original trigonal. I literally don’t remember the plot of this one. Forgettable. Not as good. 2/5.

6. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Heist, Boston in 1990

Probably the biggest art heist in American history and still unsolved. 13 priceless works were nabbed by two men disguised as police officers in the early morning. They tied up the security guards and made away with half a billion dollars worth of merch. You know, movie shit.

5. Ocean’s 12

Speaking of movies, it doesn’t beat the original, but it’s better than the other two. Ocean’s 12 is a fun return to the series and I think this is the one where Julia Roberts plays Not Julia Roberts and everyone hated that plot point but I thought it was really funny.

4. Van Gogh Museum Heist, Amsterdam

This one is SUSPICIOUSLY similar to the Louvre heist that just happened. It also involved a ladder and breaking in with sledgehammers so idk, maybe the same guys? The paintings were only recovered from the Naples mafia 14 years later. Crazy.

3. This one time I forgot my wallet but I needed milk and so I just put some in my coat pocket and walked out of the store and no one even stopped me.

Ngl, it was pretty slick. Felt like I was in Finding Nemo and everything.

2. The Mona Lisa Heist, the Louvre (again, lol)

Literally the reason that the Mona Lisa is famous. It got stolen the Lovre by an Italian employee who thought the painting belonged in Italy. Fair point. The painting was only recovered years later but by that point it was too late, they’d already made mugs and t-shirts and everything.

1. Ocean’s 11

The OG, the GOAT, the HTMI cable, Ocean’s 11 is actually a remake, not a lot of people know that, but it’ll always be the original in my heart. Maybe the coolest heist out there so I think it trumps all the real ones imo.

But what do you think? Let me know in the comment section we don’t have below.

Amazon big boss and “Breaker of Internets”, Jeffrey Bezos is also a breaker of house valuation records after selling his Seattle mansion for an eye-emulsifying $63 million dollars. That’s the most expensive property ever sold in Washington.

Now that might sound like a lot, but it’s nothing compared to the $237 million American dollars he’s spent on his Miami compound.

Coincidentaly, J-B is worth $237 Billion dollars ($USD) so I don’t know if they picked that number just for synergy or what.

B-Z-Boy only bought the 9,420-square-foot Seattle mansion for $37.5 million dollars (there’s that 37 again, what’s going on?) so a sale of $63 million dollars gives him a net profit of… quick math… at least $20-something million dollars in money.

The area has an average house price of $8 million, one of the priciest in the US, due to its proximity to Seattle’s tech hub. For Jeff, it was only an eight-mile private jet flight to work, so, ideal.

A lake-front view, three bedrooms, four bathrooms (one for every kind of shit), an elevator, a walk-in closet, two kitchens, a rooftop terrace and a glass walkway to the two-story guesthouse. What more could you want?

Well, a lot more apparently. In Miami, Jeff owns three mansions in the ‘Billionaire Bunker’ area and he plans to demolish them to build one single megamansion. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll look really tasteful.

But Miami’s a long way from work, Jeff, you had the perfect commute, why’d move, Jeff? Well, why do billionaires do anything? Money.

Washington just upped their capital gains tax to 7% but Miami is way more welcoming to greedy bastards.

…sorry, sorry, I meant to say that Jeff moved to be closer to his in-laws. Yes, of course, sorry, that’s the real reason.

For more on this story, read this one: Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Genuinely no one seems to have noticed…

Last week, President Donald Trump announced his plan to build America’s very own Arc de Triomphe, but better because it won’t be French.

If approved, the proposed stone archway (mockingly dubbed the Arc de Trump) would be built across the Potomac from the Lincoln Memorial, on the current site of a roundabout in Virginia.

But look at this picture, LOOK AT IT!

This is the model display that Trump used to unveil the plans for the arch. You can see the Ark Of The Covenant in the distance there and the Lincoln Memorial in the foreground, but there’s one little problem…

In real life, the Lincoln Memorial isn’t in line with the Arlington Memorial Bridge; it’s in line with the National Mall (that square of darker green at the bottom).

This can only mean that Trump PLANS TO ROTATE THE ENTIRE LINCOLN MEMORIAL 45 DEGREES.

No, there’s no way they just got it wrong on the model or set it up like that because it looks better, no, the plan is BURROW UNDERNEATH THE MONUMENT, RAISE IT UP ON HYDROLIC JACKS, TURN IT EVER SO SLIGHTLY, AND THEN PUT IT BACK DOWN.

Honest Abe will get his very own hora (that’s the Jewish chair dance you uncultured swine). We can all sing Hava Nagila. It’ll be fun, you should come alone.

The building will then sit completely misaligned from the Washington Monument, the White House, and the Capitol, but at least it’ll line up with the arch, that’s the important thing.

The Arc D’rump is just one part of Trump’s plan to do what every real estate developer does best: gentrify! He also plans to build a $250 million ballroom onto the White House. All just so Trump can do the YMCA, apparently.

It’s unclear how much constructing the arch, rotating Lincoln, building the ballroom and digging a network of secret passageways connecting them all will cost but rest assured it’s worth it.

Alright, that’s enough of that, Trump, hit with your best moves! *Trump starts to do the Floss* Everybody!

Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Hava nagila ve-nismeḥa! HEY!

For more Trump construction news, read this: Trump Slashes Social Security to Fund Diamond Hands Statue

Hello? Can you read this?

OK, good, thank god, it’s not affected wallstmemes.com yet. As a wise man once said, this is it, the apocalypse. The whole internet is shutting down one by one.

I went to check my stocks this morning on Robinhood and saw that I couldn’t. Naturally, I freaked out but thought, it’s fine, I’ve got my crypto. But ohhh no, Coinbase is down too.

It’s OK, I’ve still got money in my Venmo. But no, that’s out too, shit. Better let my friends know on Snapchat. Wtf? Snapchat got Thanos snapped too?

You know what, maybe this is a good thing, I’ve been meaning to catch up on my Duolingo streak for a while. Oh no, please, don’t tell me they killed the owl too…

What about Wordle, I can do that, right? That’s productive too. Nope. The New York Times website is down.

Fine, I’ll do something unproductive. Time to load up a nice game of Fortnite. …aaaand it’s gone. Sure, PUBG? Down. That’s alright, no worries, we’ll crack out some Rainbow Six Siege, nope, shot in the head. Roblox? Bricked. Clash Royale? Crashed.

Alexa, is the internet down? Because I’m starting to feel like the internet is down. Alexa…? …Alexa…?

You know what, I’ll just ask my go-to AI chatbot and ask them. Perplexity, is the internet down? …Perplexity?

Alright, the whole internet can’t be down, let’s just try some random sites, as a test. Canva? Goodreads? Ring? Chime? AppleTV? Prime Video? Life360? Collegeboard? Whatnot? Better ask my internet service provider, Verizon…

Oh shit.

Kim Kardashian did it again. She broke the internet.

Is turning off the internet part of the government shutdown?

It’ll all be alright. You know what, I can just order a new router through Amazon.com and… god DAMN IT!

I can’t search it but a friendly stranger is shouting down the street that all these sites have one thing in common: they all use Amazon’s cloud computing service, AWS.

A&W Root Beet not AWS Amazon INternet cloud service — AWS is in no way affiliated with A&W Root Beer

AWS is the most used cloud computing service and Amazon’s main source of revenue, earning them $108 billion in 2024. Yeah, and here I am thinking that they just sold books.

Alright, well, I guess there’s nothing else to do. There’s only one thing for it, I’m going to do it, I’m going to go… outside.

aggHHGGHHH!!!!

For more on this story, click here: Literally Everyone Is Saying The AI Bubble Is About To Burst And Here’s Why

Small nuclear reactor manufacturer, NuScale (SMR), just got a 15% stock boost on Wednesday after the US Army of all people just slid a whole pile of chips their way whilst saying, “All in.”

They’re calling it the “Janus Program” which doesn’t sound evil at all and the idea is fast track these mini nuclear reactors so they become the future of clean, green, glowing green energy. Definitely nothing to do with making nuclear warheads or anything like that we promise.

Like everything these days, it all goes back to Donald Trump who demanded that military bases have operational reactors by 2028. The idea being that if one gets attacked, the whole thing’s wiped off the map.

NuScale had an all time low in April but now they’re up an explosive 375% from then. Fuck me.

nuclear power graph — Here’s a handy graph to explain… oh, shit, wait, no wrong graph

The thing is, nuclear has long been the future of energy, yes, radiation is dangerous, but modern power plants are pretty safe and way more efficient and less polluting than fucking windfarms which kill clouds.

But massive disasters like Chernobyl, Fukushima, Three-Mile Island, and that one time I farted so bad my grandma died have given nuclear power a bad rep (wrap?). Now when people think of nuclear power, they think of glowing green goo and three-armed mutants with whatever the opposite of superpowers are.

Oh and also the looming threat of nuclear war, that’s another one… huh, maybe it’s not so good…

A Nuclear Explosion But The Good Kind

So now companies like NuScale are looking to change this perception that and it seems these mini-reactors, like you might get on a nuclear submarine, may be the future of the tech. For one thing, they’re cheaper, easier to maintain, and at least 1 times less likely to explode than my ass.

Accelerating the push is those thirsty, thirsty AIs which need at least a gigawatt of electrical electricity per day. Private nuclear reactors, maybe even pocket-sized ones, might be on the horizon and it’s all thanks to Grok.

So take that, Iran.

For more on this story read this: Big Tech Invests In Nuclear Energy To Save Planet, No, Wait Sorry, I Meant ‘To Save AI’

US (United States) Pres (President) Don (Donald) Trump (Trump) has CONFIRMED that we are in a trade war with China (China) potentially ruling him out of the coveted Nobel Prize For Peace Prize.

Trump was asked by a reporter today, “Are we in for a sustained trade war with China?” to which he replied, “Well, you’re in one now. Look, we have 100% tariff– IF WE DIDN’T HAVE TARIFFS [sic] we would be exposed as being a nothing, we would have no defense.”

The Pres-ident seemed surprised that he even had to clarify that we were in a trade war saying, you’re in one with a tone as if to say, “Yeah, duh. Obvs trade war. TW. Tradey-B. Ya feel? [sic]”

Trump trade war potc gif — Trump rn but about trade wars

The comments come following a week of heightened tensions between the two countries and preceding Trump’s upcoming meeting with schzeee-shczing-ping. Is that how you pronounce it? Tremp. That’s how I pronounce Trump. Tremp. Deneld Tremp.

But on the had hand on the other hand i mena, I mean. Sorry, I’ve. I’m very drenk. Drunk. ON THE OTHER HAND, Scott Bessent, the Treasury of… He said that an extension on the tariff pause was possible IF China loosens its controls on rare earth metals.

Basically, there’s a lot still to be worked out, so nothing to see here.

Trump Attempts To Escalate And De-escalate At The Same Time

Earlier in the week, Tromp tried to de-escalate, saying on Truth Social (like X but somehow more shit), “Don’t worry about China, it will all be fine! Highly respected President Xi just had a bad moment. He doesn’t want Depression for his country, and neither do I. The U.S.A. wants to help China, not hurt it!!! President DJT”

But what does this all mean for Trimp’s noble peace price? Well, the DJ was looking to win a prise or two after declaring war is over (happy xmas) in Gaza (Middle East), BUT it seems like he’s been gazumped. Because you can’t go around saying that you’ve solved war forever with one hand and then on/in the other hand say that we’re in a trade war.

No sir, no madam.

Congress is pushing to make their own extra cool nobel praise and then anoint Trump with that instead. If this goes ahead, Trump will officially be a part of the nobility and will henceforth be referred to as Sir Trump upon pain of death.

Tremp.

Shit, do you think the President has some kind of insider knowledge or something?

When Donald Trump anointed himself “the Bitcoin President,” he wasn’t lying: DJT is now one of the largest Bitcoin investors in the world.

No one knows exactly how much he has but it’s estimated that Trump holds about $870 million in BTC and back in June he made about $1 billion from this asset alone. Whew.

Now this info isn’t in any government disclosure of presidential assets, it’s not on Trump’s website, and it’s certainly not on his tax returns because we’re as likely to see that as we are to see the Epstein files.

No, all Trump’s Bitcoin is wrapped up in Truth Social, Trump Media and Technology Group, and a shifty corp called DT Marks Defi LLC. Boy, I wonder what that ‘DT’ stands for…

Yes, it’s shell companies all the way down.

What’s he trying to hide? Is he embarrassed to be a crypto bro? Damn, Don, you’re now the biggest crypto bro out there.

And this is even talking about the terribly named World Liberty Financial, the crypto project of Trump sons Barron and Eric (who?) that the Don owns a 70% stake in. WLFI (wolfy) started publicly trading last month at a valuation of $5bn for some reason. They have since announced plans to release a debit card and tokenise real estate, whatever that means…

All of this boosts Donald Trump to a net worth of $3.7 billy, making him the richest world leader in the world and the richest president ever. But he’s also the working man’s President. Not at all corrupt, no, no. He got this money completely separately from being powerful. Completely different thing, don’t worry about it.

You Bitcoin? Did It Taste Good?

Ironically, it was Trump who caused one of the biggest crypto crashes in history a few days after he posted on Truth Social that he might renew tariffs with China, causing investors to sell off their risky assets, namely crypto.

Bitcoin dropped $20,000, Ethereum fell 21%, Dogecoin 50% and even Donald Trump’s own $TRUMP coin fell 63% to its lowest point.

All of this is to say that no, Trump doesn’t seem to know something we don’t. The former critic of the technology likely doesn’t know what he has or what exactly it is, shielded from the asset by his more crypto-savvy sons. The boys will keep grifting off their dad’s fame, which handily leaves Trump to focus on bigger things like achieving world peace and declaring war on America, oblivious of what that means for crypto.

Because, let’s be honest, it’s not like he’s ever going to be poor.

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Well, If You Musk Ask… ELON musg thad is.

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China, China, China, China

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