2025 | Wall Street Memes

Ok, so in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have put all my life savings into futures stocks against Canadian bacon. Trump’s 25% tariff has hit Canada, Mexico, China and if I’m being honest, my whole ass.

Everyone’s taking a hit, I know, the stock market’s down. Energy and grocery prices are set to skyrocket, but that’s the price of financial freedom I suppose. From my perspective, I’m going to have a LOT more financial freedom because I simply won’t be a part of the financial system. I think I might go and live in the woods or something.

Look, I’m not financially savvy, I’ll admit. I don’t have a financial advisor (why would I waste money on that?) but the advice I’ve always lived by is “go big and go broke” or something. So what I did was I took out a third mortgage on my house and I used that as collateral for these futures. Then I’ve heard gold is the gold standard so I took all the money that I had and turned that into gold then I pawned that gold then with that money I placed a bet on whether I’d get back to the pawnshop in time to get my gold back.

It was a perfect plan and then Donald Trump came along and RUINED it.

So now I’m writing this from an abandoned internet cafe in Tuscon hoping the feds don’t follow this IP address. Heck, even if they do I’ll be long dead by then.

Apparently, Canada and China and everyone else is going to retaliate with tariffs of their own and idk, I’m kind of into that? Like, can I get in on that? Like, idk why I can’t just impose tariffs myself. Like, let’s say I tariff the pawnbroker who has my gold then he has to give me 25% right? I mean, if Trump can just charge people more money, I can just do that too right? “Be the president of your own destiny” that’s the life advice I live by.

Trump said there’s “no room left” for negotiations on these things, but eeeeehhhhh, come on, like, eehhhh, come on? Like, help a guy out here Don, like I’m drowning here, like literally drowning here and I’ve got alimony to pay, like Don, come aaaannn help an old buddy out, huh?

Every single member of the republican party was removed from the House Chamber this Tuesday after disrupting President Trump’s Address to Congress by whooping and chanting “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” repeatedly.

House Speaker Mike Johnson banged his gavel and instructed the Republicans to “Uphold and maintain decorum in the House and to cease and further disruptions” multiple times. However, the representatives were simply too excited by Trump’s words and had to be forcibly removed from the chamber by the sergeant at arms.

The chanting and cheers continued as the republican representatives resisted their ejection in what many are now calling “reverse January 6th”.

“I don’t know why we were kicked out, sure they were disruptions, but they were positive disruptions,” explained Senator Ted Cruz outside the Capitol. “Yes, I was chanting at the top of my lungs but how could you not? It’s not everyday you get to meet your second favorite president.”

When Trump was finally able to continue highlighting his accomplishments, Rep. Johnson noted that Democrats were also disruptive by engaging in subtle and not so subtle protests against the president. Some held up signs saying, “MUSK STEALS”, “SAVE MEDICAID” and “I LIKE ROCKS” (but that last one might have been about something else) whilst others wore pink or the colors of the Ukrainian flag which really clash.

The House Speaker then called for all these members to ejected from the chamber as well and finally Rep. Johnson ejected himself for banging his gavel too loudly. This left the building entirely empty but for Trump.

Undeterred, the president continued his speech to an empty room. It is unclear what was said as no one was their to witness it. Republicans are now stumped as to what to do policy-wise as the popular riddle asks, “If a Trump makes a speech in an empty congress hall and no one is there to hear it, do his tariffs still apply?”

Rep. Al Green’s whereabouts remain unknown although he is now presumed dead.

Stick with Wall Street Meams Dot Com for more political discourse that’s up to the minute (but obviously not this exact minute, or the next one, just, I meant whatever minute I’m writing about, leave me alone.).

FOR MORE TRUMP NEWS READ: Willy Wonka To Sue Donald Trump For Stealing ‘Golden Ticket’ Idea

Breaking news: Will Smith has killed a man at this year’s Oscars. The actor who was barred from ever hitting anyone again because it’s illegal was not allowed at this year’s Oscars. He did show up to the ceremony, however, but this year… he’d been working out.

Smith took his hand and, for some reason, targeted Bowen Yang and slapped him so hard that he died. Thankfully, Smith himself was only minorly concussed and received an Oscar for his performance. Critics are lead to believe that although the incident occured only three years ago it is still topical and worthy of writing a joke article about.

Now Will Smith’s murder of Bowen Yang will likely be the thing he is remembered for and not Wild Wild West.

Conan O’Brien commenting on the scene of the crime commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly performed a backflip.

The only individual elated by this turn of events was Jada Plinket Smith, who isn’t called that anymore because they divorced or something. Not-Smith commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly did a backflip.

For those of you who don’t keep up with movies at all, Will Smith is the first black actor to ever kill someone live on stage at the Oscars and hopefully won’t be the last. #oscarssowhite

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ceremony, a little someone I like to call Gremlin Boy is cooking up a storm. He’s wily, he’s timely, but I’ll tell you what he’s not: gay. That’s right, it’s Timpontee CHamletn!! Put your hands together and don’t take them apart until I tell you to!

Anora.

Oh boy, we’re in for a real evening tonight [insert Oscars transcript here later] [but then actually change it to make the first joke work, like, add the Will Smith thing back in here]

[If you end up watching it and find something more topical, maybe switch out this article.]

[Also not sure about the Gremlin Boy thing? I don’t really get it.]

[Sidenote: are you OK right now? I don’t know, a lot of your work has really declined in quality recently. I don’t know if you’re using AI or just high or something, but this one in particular seems like a low point, and if you need help with your workload or anything, you can always reach out. Just let me know – Tim.]

The world is still reeling from the near-fatal dose of cringe unleashed from Zelensky and Trump’s first sit-down peace discussion (debate?). During the talk (ambush?) J ‘to the D’ Vance finally joined the chat to turn up the heat on this cold war by dressing down the Ukrainian Prime Minister for dressing down and not saying ‘thank you’ because if anyone needs to be put in their place right now, its Ukraine.

Things went from worse to bad from there as the reality TV host continued to berate the TV comedian, leading to a distinct lack of reality or comedy from either side.

Since this public display of affection, no one really knows what to do. Zelenskyy has done his best to bridge build, insisting the minerals deal is still on the table and that he is looking forward to future talks. He retreated to Europe for a conference in London in which European leaders rallied behind him and reaffirmed their commitment to finding peace. Like this paragraph, however, the comedian failed to find any kind of a joke to make.

The view in Washington is very different and US officials see Zelenskiy himself as the roadblock to peace. Only if he steps down can good faith talks begin again.

The only one who seems happy about all of this is Russia. The little sit-down gives Trump ammunition to frame Zelenski as uncooperative and sideline his aims in favor of Russia’s goals. This might lead to a quicker peace, but at what cost and under whose terms?

Russia invaded Ukraine because Russia wanted to own Ukraine. Ukraine fought back because they didn’t want Russia to have it. The negotiations have effectively already begun and have been at a stalemate for years. Since this is a zero-sum game, either one of both sides will come out of these negotiations unsatisfied. Concede Russia the little bit they’ve annexed and they still won’t have Ukraine. What’s to stop them from declaring peace, waiting a couple of years and doing the same thing all over again, just as they did with Crimea?

Ironically, peace cannot be the sole priority of the discussion, as peace is theoretically very easy: just give Ukraine to Russia. Worryingly, it seems Trump wants ‘peace’ at any cost and has sided with the aggressor because muscling down the little guy is the quickest path.

Oh, shit, I forgot to make any jokes again, errr, ok… What do you do if you want a closer look at Europe from Russia? You crane.

Thank you, thank you.

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Local(ish) man Dorish Jallos III was shocked and embarrassed and disgusted to learn that he had been pronouncing the word “crypto” incorrectly his entire life.

“I’ve always said it how it’s spelt, ‘cry-pto’. Why would I possibly think it was any other way?” Jallos said. “But then I went to this Greek restaurant with my friends, and one of my friends, who isn’t Greek, but could be, said it like ‘crypt-o’, and I said he was wrong because he’s Greek, it’s ‘cry-pto’ and he fucking laughed in my fucking face then spat on me.”

Jallos’ friends explained to him that the correct pronunciation is actually crypto not crypto. Jallos was stunned.

“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “I’ve been saying it wrong for like, 30 years (I got in on the ground floor). I guess I’ve only ever seen it written down or heard it spoken in a thick, thick Uzbekistani accent. I’m definitely not going to tell them how I pronounce ‘gif’.”

Jallos said he is now determined to learn how to pronounce crypto correctly. He has been practicing saying it over and over again, and whilst he is yet to master the subtleties of the inflection points, he is confident that he will eventually get it right.

“I’m never going to make that mistake again,” he said. “I’m going to be the cri… shit. The crap-o, shit… I’m going to be the crEepto pronunciation master.”

When asked why he had never questioned his pronunciation of “crypto” before, Jallos simply shrugged and said, “I’ve never really talked to anyone about it before.”

“Wait, how do you say DOGE? Like doggy, right?”

Jallos’ story is a cautionary tale for anyone who has never even questioned how to pronounce the word ‘crypto’. Turns out it’s really not how you would expect it to sound. Don’t be like Dorish Jallos III. Educate yourself today.

This article is sponsored by Skillshare.

In a story that looks like a parody news writer wrote it, the United States is braced to accept 420 (blaze it) million eggs from a single very, very prolific turkey. Get that boy a presidential pardon!

Whilst turkey eggs have a slightly different taste and texture to chicken eggs, farmers are assured that… Oh, wait, no, it’s not a turkey it’s Turkey, the country. Ahhh, OK, that makes more sense.

America is currently experiencing an egg shortage caused partially by avian flu but mostly by local man ‘Gaston’ who reportedly eats 60 eggs every morning. A baker’s dozen of eggs are now an average of $4.95 but to be fair, that’s Kamala Harris’ fault.

Thankfully Turkey (again, not a single bird) has stepped in to plug the egg-shaped hole with, get this: an egg. Turkey’s ‘Egg Producers Central Union’ (the only egg union worth listening to, if you ask me) claims that the 420 million exported eggs will be the most ever eggs exported ever.

Eggs.

Turkey is the fifth-largest eggs-porter in the world and the only country that eggsports to America. No idea why though. But now Turkey’s going to do that but more.

Some eggsperts warn that this won’t be enough, however. Local egg-thusiast Benjamin Yuup commented, “THAT’S NOT ENOUGH EGGS!” But what does he know? Nothing.

Unlike the Occupation of Constantinople (1918-1923) this is not a problem that can be solved by the introduction of Turkey and various other solutions will be required to tackle the bird-demic. Maybe America will start vaccinating its chickens like the rest of the world? Mmm, nah. You think I’m going to let Bill Gates put microchips in my nuggies? Get real. GET REAL.

BONUS EGG FACT: The egg predates the chicken by 500,000,000 years!

The estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $5 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program is expected to launch in two weeks and adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, whilst there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

“I’M HERE, IN A CIRCLE AND IF I LEAVE I LOSE 5 BILLION DOLLARS!!!” shouts Mr. Beast, grinning ear to ear whilst somehow also maintaining no expression whatsoever.

Yes, this is the news that Mr. James Stephen “MrBeast” “Jimmy” Donaldson Beast III is looking to raise a few hundred million dollars in investments into the holding company that controls his various business assets. The fundraising would value his company at $5 billion which according to experts is a lot of money.

This funding round comes after Jimmy Beast was featured on the Diary Of A CEO podcast claiming that he lost “TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON BEAST GAMES” which may be true but also can’t be true since he’s keen to do a season 2. Anyway, that’s probably why he needs to raise the money, or maybe just so he can buy TikTok.

But what’s the real reason for the money? What’s the real reason for Ms. Beast in the first place? OK, he puts a lot of money into the videos but then he gets a lot of money back. But then he puts that money back into more videos. So the purpose of the money is the videos? Or is it the money? Do we really need Mr-Beast vids? Are they really that entertaining? Dare I ask, is it art? Or does it exist simply because it exists like an accidental child?

“BUT HERE’S THE CATCH,” continues MrBeast (one word it turns out). “I CAN’T LEAVE THIS CIRCLE OR I DIE!!!”

Wait, what? Jimmy, what do you mean you’ll die, you don’t have to die.

“THAT’S RIGHT I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT, DON’T PUSH ME!”

No, OK, Jimmy, we’ll get the money, please, just don’t leave the circle OK?

“OK, I WON’T LEAVE YET BUT YOU HAVE 48 HOURS TO GET ME $5 BILLION OR I’LL KILL MYSELF DON’T FORGET TO LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!!!”

Oh, ok, right, oh god, quickly where am I going to get the money? Wait, I thought you were worth 5bil not that you needed…

“I’LL DO ITTTT!!!!!!”

Ahh! OK! Oh god, he’s got a gun. I gotta go, but please, please give this millionaire more money, I beg of you, ok, ahhhhh…

Last week, the crypto world was left shooketh when North Korean hackers pulled off the single largest heist in history. Now, in a dramatic cooling of geopolitical tensions, North Korea has agreed to return the $15bn worth of stolen Ether, “When we feel like it.”

Speaking in a televised address, Kin Jong-un explained that they had the money but assured the rest of the world that they are just borrowing the funds and they would happily give it back once they had a Lambo and been “to da moon”.

The heist is rumored to have been carried out by ‘Lazarus Group’ a hacker group presumably named because they have been tasked with resurrecting North Korea’s dying economy. The group was linked to the Sony email hack in 2014 in which my cousin Darryl lost his job because everyone found out that he’d been emailing James Franco unsolicited erotica.

Whilst North Korea could not return my cousin Darryl’s emails, they can return the hacked $1.5bn in Ether and plan to do so! And I for one put my undying faith in the dedicated agents working for Pyongyang.

Bybit insists that the money was fully backed and they don’t actually need the crypto returned which sounds a little fishy to me, a little hmmmmmmmm if you ask me a mmmmmm, ok?? A little, ohhhhh hmmmmmm mmmmmhmmmmm? You might say.

Whilst Bybit was able to replace all the money this is a completely different scenario to when the government just prints money willy nilly so don’t even bring it up, ok?

The money was stolen from a ‘cold wallet’ which is a crypto wallet that’s stored in a fridge rather than your pocket. How the hackers were able to get inside the fridge when it’s not even an internet fridge is anybody’s guess and Bybit’s employees are looking into the matter probably.

For more updates on this developing story probably look somewhere else, we’re not a real news source.

President Elected, Donald Trump has officially ended almost a century of Cold War tensions between Russia and America seemingly by accident.

In an effort to end American spending on aid for Ukraine (and in no way influenced by Russian propaganda), Trump has opted for a softer approach on Putin, a U-turn on decades of US foreign policy. But hey why not? ‘If it ain’t fixed, break it’.

For months, Trump has criticized Ukrainian Volodymyr Zelenskyy calling him, “A terrible replacement for the voice of Paddington.” Additionally, the White House instructed its UN envoy to vote in favor of Russia in two UN resolutions that they all agree that ‘war is bad’, whatever that means.

Donald Trump is expected to accept his Nobel Peace Prize on Monday.

For all you history nerds, you might not know but the Cold War was a period of political tension between Russia and America beginning in 1947. The war is so named because unlike during the ‘hot’ war of World War II, slightly fewer people died during the ‘cold’ war of the Cold War. Although the war ended in 1991, modern politics is fundamentally shaped by the conflict and Putin himself has worked hard to bring it back, baby.

However, Donald Trump has stopped Putin in his tracks and, in a surprise plot twist, sided with the dictator. So now America’s enemy is its friend which means that its friend’s enemy is its friend. … Either way, France isn’t happy or something.

French President (still) Emmanuel Macron recently met with American President (still) Donald Trump to do a cool handshake and correct him on details of Ukraine funding. Whether France will become part of Russia in the negotiations or not is still very much on the table.

Whilst it is true that the Cold War and Donald Trump are roughly the same age there is no truth in the rumor that both are connected by an invisible life force. Yes, there is a prophecy foretelling of the arrival of an “orange dawn that shalt warm the war of frost” but there is no way of knowing to whom this refers.

Russian propagandist, Dimitri Bolocolov commented that he was dismayed to hear that Cold War II was coming to an end but, “I will continue to Tweet as @americanpatriot69, he has become part of me and I cannot give him up,” he said.

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