2026 | Wall Street Memes

As CFOs, CEOs and CNTs are tripping over themselves to line up for the Federal Reserve Chairman position, one man has emerged as the frontrunner.

Rick Rieder is the Chief Investment Officer of Global Fixed Income (CIOOGFI for short) at BlackRock and just this past week Polymarket and Kalshi have bumped him up to ‘Most Likely To Become Powell 2.0’ beating off, wait, beating out “The Two Kevins”. …Who?

‘Who’ is a great question, thanks for asking. So this Rick guy started out at as a broker or something and then he was at the Lehman Brothers, which is a little awkward. Wait, are we sure this is the right guy for the job?

Then he founded his own firm which was swiftly bought by BlackRock and Larry Fink made him a ‘super investor’ managing $2.3 trillion dollars in global bond markets. That’s a bigger GDP than most countries in the world.

In fact, let me list for you the only countries that have a GDP higher than Rieder’s responsibilities, it won’t take long: Russia, Italy, France, UK, India, Japan, Germany, China and the US. Literally every other country in the world has less to worry about than this guy.

Well, his portfolio might be getting a little bigger sometime soon if he gets asked to effectively manage USA’s GDP, which in turn is basically the global economy.

Look, he’s not worked at the Fed before, he hasn’t worn that sexy little hardhat so his recent appearance in the leaderboard has surprised insiders but if he’s the right guy, he might be the right guy.

The real question that’s going to clinch his application is… how does he feel about Trump?

…secrets, obviously.

As you know, Donald Trump recently demolished the East Wing of the White House in order to build a $400 million dollar ballroom. BUT what you might not know is that beneath that wing is/was a secret underground bunker built, secretly, in 1941 after Pearl Harbor.

Not much is known about the secret bunker (officially: the Presidential Emergency Operations Center), because it’s secret, supposedly it was like a submarine, with various off-shooting situation rooms, a sauna and a pool. Also, Dick Cheney and others hid down there during 9/11 and Trump hid down there during the George Floyd protests. So, without this bunker, they’d both be dead for sure.

But now the bunker has been completely dismantled as part of the renovation plans and in its place something even more secretive is being built.

Ballroom to include a secret underground ball pit (to store the balls)

We know even less about this new bunker, but suffice it to say it’ll probably more up to date, cooler and have at least twice as many saunas.

We only know of its existence because the bunker building was cited as the reason why the East Wing’s demolition wasn’t run past the National Capital Planning Commission. Because it’s secret you see.

People (me) have speculated that at Trump’s behest the bunker will include storage space for rare magical artefacts, a tennis court and the Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Sex Dungeon, as was his dying wish.

Oh, you know what would be cool is if like, the ballroom floor could open up and then maybe you could have a plane come out of it. Yeah, I hope they’re building that, that would be sick.

For more on this story, click here: Trump To Demolish White House And Build ‘Gold House’ Instead

Famed investor and all-around cool guy, Warren Buffett, is in his final months. …at Berkshire Hathaway, not his life, Jesus, give him a break. And it looks like the big dub-ya-bee is making his final moves before wrapping things up for good.

One of which is apparently walking around with a big bell and sandwich board yelling, “The end is nigh!”

According to this one tweet and literally nothing else BUFFETT JUST DELIVERED A SERIOUS WARNING!!! Ahhh PANIC!!!

Warren Buffett tweet — Buffett here pictured wishing he had a straw.

So what I can’t find a source for this information and the image is from last year?

In actual news, Buffett’s successor is talking about dumping Berkshire Hathaway’s massive $7.5 billion in Kraft Heinz stock. A massive vote of no confidence in the company.

So there you go. There’s something you can actually chew on.

Silver and bronze take second and third place, respectively

Gold (GLD) continued its meteoric rise over the weekend to become one of the most valuable metals in the world, beating out other popular metals like zinc, stainless steel and thallium.

This first time, all-time high (ATH) is part of an ongoing rally caused by uncertainty in the US dollar (USB), caused by uncertainty in the markets generally, caused by tariffs and all that Greenland stuff, which was caused by Trump, which was caused by his mother probably not hugging him enough as a kid or something.

gold price graph — graph go up. graph green. graph good.

And while fictional characters like Scrooge McDuck and Goldfinger are rolling in a big pile of money right now, not everyone’s so chipper about the sitch.

Robin Brooks, Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution, explains that, “The rise in precious metals prices is breathtaking and profoundly scary [and] part of something much bigger…”

Ok, that’s not ominous at all.

“We’re at the start of a global debt crisis,” he continued, “with markets increasingly fearful governments will attempt to inflate away out-of-control debt.”

Oh shit, what?? Why did no one tell me this?!?!

“A falling dollar will super-charge the rise in gold prices and the debasement trade [that’s buying gold when the economy’s bad like in times of war because it’s more stable than the dollar or bitcoin or whatever btw Robin Brooks didn’t say any of this, I’m adding this in here, I’ll let him talk now…] because it boosts the purchasing power of non-dollar buyers,” Brooks wrote.

Gold And Days

It’s true that during major conflicts, gold rallies. During world war one, world war two and the civil war we saw this first hand… well, not first hand, we weren’t there. Well, I’m assuming you weren’t there. I wasn’t there. If I had been though I probably would have bought some gold.

On that point, the Dow Jones to Gold ratio is now at a level only seen 4 times in history: 2026, 2008, 1973 and 1929. Every single time this has happened it’s marked a fundamental change to the economic system: the Banking Act of 1933, the Convertibility of the Dollar 1971 and the Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.

Now, what does this mean? Is World War 3, the big triple double-ya, or some other market crash on the horizon? Well, probably not, but either way, this gold rally wouldn’t predict it. These markets are reactive, not predictive. The gold isn’t saying there will be war, it’s saying there is war right now. …hadn’t you noticed?

SO, who’s to know if we’re in for another financial crisis or not. Either way, just rest assured that unless you’re a billionaire, you will suffer worst and suffer first.

Basically, Graham Walker sold his family business Fibrebond Corp for $1.7 billion (a million million) dollars but put aside $240 million (just a million) dollars from that sale to pay every one of his workers about $443,000 each.

But imagine being the guy who sees the sale on the horizon, your contract’s about to run out, you’ve got another potential job offer and you’re like, yeah, it’s 100% time to jump ship. And then just DAYS after you leave it all behind you hear that everyone got almost half a million dollars??

I’d be pissed.

ceo million dollar bonus meme — Here’s where I stole that joke from.

Or what about the contract workers, the people just on the fringes of qualifying for whatever conditions you need to get this bonus? Tough brakes, man.

OK, but don’t get annoyed on behalf of these hypothetical people you’ve never met, just yet, because there’s one massive string attached to this deal that’s so big it’s more like a noose.

To get this massive payout, you have to stay on at the company for another five years.

FIVE YEARS?! That’s a death sentence! In five years I could be the CEO. I’m not going to be but I could. I’m just saying it’s a long time is all. Is it really worth the money?

The reasoning is of course so people don’t immediately quit and retire to a carrot farm, but as Fortune puts it, this has to be “one of the largest—and stickiest—retention packages in recent memory.”

A rare CEO W. We’ll take it. Be more like Graham Walker guys.

We are all just a ship on the ocean, buffeted to and fro, merciless to the great wave that is Donald Trump.

And the tides have turned once more, the storms have receded, offering a moment’s respite for a “framework for a future Greenland deal” has been agreed and the tariffs have been dropped, huzzah!

Wtf does that mean? Well no one knows. The details have not been released and still need to be agreed by Greenland, Denmark and the US. But! It does mean that the stock market has bounced back in anticipation of this sunny future of endless peace and no wars.

The news also came with the unveiling of Trump’s ‘Board of Peace’, a newer, cooler NATO, aimed at an “everlasting” peace in the middle east at first and then once that’s sorted maybe, y’know, Ukraine if there’s time.

A bunch of countries have signed up but not the UK because maybe Russia will join and they’re not fwends wight now 🙁.

Oh and also you had to pay to join? Like a billion dollars or something, idk I’m not looking it up again, but it’s crazy, like it feels like just more corruption, right? Like, Trump’s mad at NATO so he makes a newer cooler one where he’s the chairman and everyone has to pay him.

Like, great if it solves things but I’m not expecting world peace from the guy who threatened to invade Greenland, the guy who literally said peace wasn’t a priority just because he didn’t get a medal for it.

But whatevers Trevors, the headline is that the stock market is stabalizing thanks to the diligent work of TACO Trump. So for now, it’s smooth sailing. Thank you, Mr. Trump!

Gold, silver, bronze, nickel, everyone has a favorite metal but did you know that there’s more to metals than just shiny-shiny-clunk?

Yes, as Trump’s latest tariffs send gold and silver rocking to unprecedented ATHs we think it’s time to look back on the top five reasons why that’s probably a bad thing actually.

5. Soaring gold weakens the dollar

In short, gold is a more stable currency whereas everything else from dollars to Bitcoin are a bit more volatile. This means that when the economic forecast is more uncertain, investors will transfer their funds from dollars into less risky options like gold, meaning the almighty USD takes a massive hit.

4. Gold is now worth more than gold

It’s one of those classic economic paradoxes that no one has been able to solve. If gold is worth its weight in gold but then it becomes worth more, what’s it worth its weight in now? Diamonds? Human souls? Eggs? It’s hard to tell.

3. A gold boom is a recession indicator

Pride commeth before a fall and gold commeth before a market fall. For the reasons listed above, a big gold boom might be good for pawnshops but it’s an ill omen for the state of the economy and might signal a recession in the near future.

2. What am I supposed to do with all those gold rings I was planning to buy? I was planning to buy like fourteen golden rings, one for each finger and now what I’m supposed to do? THE WEDDING IS IN FIVE MINUTES I’M GOING TO BE LATE!

I cant afford all those rings now. Donald Trump, you have RUINED my special day.

1. We don’t know anything

Like, yes, we can imply some stuff from these developments, but no one, especially not economists have a crystal ball. Who knows what will happen with the economy, especially as Trump might reverse these tariffs on a whim like tomorrow and gold will fall again.

Let’s just buckle up and strap on for the ride.

We’ve got another classic Elon Musk spat on our hands, this time concerning Ryanair for some reason. Did he not get enough leg room on his last flight or something?

It seems that the public falling out began when the airline’s CEO, Michael O’Leary, said he wouldn’t use Elon’s Starlink for onboard Wi-Fi.

Like… ok? Who cares?

Well, Elon Musk apparently, who’s ego is as fragile as his Cybertrucks and won’t take a slight from Trump, from his girlfriends, from marine divers, and certainly not from Irish airline owners.

Musk threatened to buy the airline and oh god, he’s going to rename it xAir or something lame. He did say he would put someone called Ryan in place as CEO. Hahaha, classic Elon trolling!

Unfortunately/thankfully we won’t have another Twitter situation on our hands since EU airlines have to be majority owned by European citizens. Huh. That’s actually a good rule…

But hold on, just before you get to thinking anyone in this fight actually has any conviction, O’Leary just clapped back by launching a sale dubbed, ‘The Big Idiot Seat Sale’.

Ryanair Elon advert — It’s ok though, they put idiot in quotes so they can’t be sued.

So O’Leary’s spinning this into an advert and Elon’s kicking off in the first place was probably to make headlines and ONCE AGAIN we all got played. God damnit.

And they both know exactly what they’re doing. This all started because the airline Lufthansa announced they would be using Starlink and O’Leary spoke out on Irish radio saying that, “We [would] have to put an aerial antenna on top of the aircraft. It would cost us about $200-250m a year, in other words about an extra dollar for every passenger we fly.”

“We can’t afford those costs. Passengers won’t pay for internet usage… so we’re not putting it on board.”

He then called Musk an idiot who knew zero about aerodynamics.

This is what O’Leary does, court controversy, and he’s finally found his match in Elon Musk who likely won’t drop the spat any time soon, at least not until they’ve both made a tidy profit from this altercation…

You may remember Donald Trump from the Apprentice Movie but did you know he actually became the President? That’s right and his biggest dream that he’s had since lunch time is to own the green land of Greenland.

Since Denmark owns Greenland, Europe doesn’t really want this to happen, but Trump’s on the warpath, tearing up peace treaties and leaving crying Francophiles in his wake.

The latest development is that Trump has leaked a slew of texts between him and European world leaders but wait, he meant to do that?

But this isn’t like that group chat leak that Pete Hegseth did last year (where does the time go?), no, Trump is his own whistleblower here, deliberately sharing the private convos with the world in order to ridicule his supposed allies on the other side of the pond.

You know what, they’re worth a read, here:

From the Norwegian PM to Trump:

Dear Mr President, dear Donald – on the contact across the Atlantic – on Greenland, Gaza, Ukraine – and your tariff announcement yesterday.

You know our position on these issues. But we believe we all should work to take this down and de-escalate – so much is happening around us where we need to stand together.

We are proposing a call with you later today – with both of us or separately – give us a hint of what you prefer! Best – Alex and Jonas

Then Trump’s reply:

Dear Jonas: Considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Peace, although it will always be predominant, but can now think about what is good and proper for the United States of America.

Denmark cannot protect that land from Russia or China, and why do they have a “right of ownership” anyway?

There are no written documents, it’s only that a boat landed there hundreds of years ago, but we had boats landing there, also. I have done more for NATO than any other person since its founding, and now, NATO should do something for the United States.

The World is not secure unless we have Complete and Total Control of Greenland. Thank you! President DJT

And more recently this text from the French PM Trump:

From president Macron to President Trump

My friend,

We are totally in line on Syria

We can do great things on Iran

I do not understand what you are doing on Greenland

Let us try to build great things :

1) I can set up a G7 meeting after Davos in Paris on Thursday afternoon. I can invite the Ukrainians, the Danish, the Syrians and the Russians in the margins

2) Let us have a dinner together in Paris together on Thursday before you go back to the US

Emmanuel

And the latest leak from the NATO Secretary General to Trump:

Mr. President, dear Donald – what you accomplished in Syria today is incredible. I will use my media engagements in Davos to highlight your work there, in Gaza, and in Ukraine.

I am committed to finding a way forward on Greenland. Can’t wait to see you.

Yours, Mark

…Now we all know that it’s just not the done thing to post your DMs online but it does offer a peek behind the curtain at how politics is actually conducted. Seems weird that leaders will just be texting each other on personal numbers but I guess why not?

Also there’s a fair amount of ass kissing which is embarrassing to see, but I guess they know how to play the Don. Macron seems a bit more blunt and might be a hint of things going forward that Europe might at last start to play hardball with the king of hardball, DJT, hoping he might live up to his TACO moniker.

All I know is that in this global game of chicken, likely we’ll all get squished.

Richest man in the world and all round nice guy, Elon Musk, has come under fire from his baby mama and former political commentator, Ashley St. Clair.

But that’s the end of the story, to explain, let’s go back to the beginning.

Elon’s father Errol, who has been accused multiple times of sexual misconduct and domestic abuse once said that, “The only thing we on Earth for is to reproduce.” And while hopefully his father’s other views didn’t rub off, it seems like Elon might have taken that last point to heart.

Elon has fathered at least fourteen different children with multiple women, seemingly operating as a human sperm bank, rarely with the intention of actually raising the children.

One of these women is Ashley St. Clair, a popular rightwing influencer and author of an anti-trans children’s book. She made contact with Musk on Twitter and then became pregnant shortly after.

Ashley and her child have only met Musk for a few hours since (he’s a busy guy) and has publicly fallen out with the billionaire.

Her subsequent falling off of the right wing bandwagon, and denouncement of her previous views along with all things Musk has drawn the ire of Musk’s legion of fans.

And now we get to the present day because Musk’s followers have weaponised X’s controversial porn image generator to sexualise pictures of St. Clair specifically. And that’s just not cool guys.

St. Clair has now sued Musk’s AI company adding to growing political and legal pressure against the new feature which xAI said they have now taken down.

Who knows what’ll come out of St. Clair’s lawsuit but either way, we really are in the darkest timeline, aren’t we?

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