2026 | Wall Street Memes

Yes. Yes he did.

The New York financier famously invented ‘bit-o-coin’ or ‘bitcoin’ for short. Between bouts of molesting children, schmoozing with your personal favorite celebrity and blowing off Elon ‘Lingering’ Musk, ol’ Jeff was hard at work coding the blockchain by hand under the moniker Satoshi Nakamoto.

And honestly I’m personally disgusted that this man would stoop so low as to basically do a digital yellow face. The rest of his crimes I can stomach but I draw the line at cultural appropriation.

As revealed in the Epstein Files (so named because he was a pedo-file), J.E. was a significant backer in the early days of crypto. As MIT’s Joichi Ito said to him in an email, “used gift funds to underwrite this which allowed us to move quickly and win this round. Thanks.”

To put it into numbers, Jepstein personally underwrote 74.79% of Bitcoin’s core development. And you know what that means too, right?

That means Jeffrey’s been getting a significant kickback from his early investment since this whole project began. As one X user put it succinctly, “BTC has been funding a global elite pedo group since 2015… great.”

Beyond bitcoin, Epsteinerry was also an early investor in ZCash and put $3 million into Coinbase, solidifying the man as a true visionary of our times.

The value of PEDOCOIN has rocketed up since the reveal of this news.

Jeffrey Epstein could not be reached for comment.

Disney! Everyone’s favorite parasitic-organism-nourished-solely-off-childhood-nostalgia has a big shake up incoming with the appointment of its first CEO not called Bob in 21 years.

Internally, the company is very stressed about the change since the word ‘Bob’ has now become synonymous with ‘CEO’. Employees are reportedly asking one another whether new CEO Josh D’Amaro should be called as such, or be referred to as Bob D’Amaro. It’s probably easier that way. Yeah, he should just legally change his name.

So with such a massive shakeup, here’s a brief list of everything Josh/Bob might be looking at changing.

More live-action remakes!

The thing is, there’s not been enough lately. Sure, some say that the well has dried up but what we’re forgetting about is that they make SO. MUCH. MONEY. If we’ve run out of cartoons to live-action/CGI-ify why not start remaking the live-action films in live-action? And just rinse and repeat until the sun implodes.

A Disney/Netflix/WarnerBros merger

Isn’t it inevitable? Once Netflix buys the WB at last it will be big enough to consume its ultimate rival and become one with its very essence! At last, the prophecy will be fulfilled! DisflixBros will conquer the world!!!

A price hike for Disney+ subs

Idk, probably though.

A.I. Disney movies

Yeah, this one isn’t a joke though as previous Bob’s final act was to secure a deal with OpenAI’s Sora to allow them to use Disney’s IP (idea products). This doesn’t necessarily mean Disney itself will produce and distribute AI features (like, probs not, it’s just not good enough yet) but it is a clear bet that AI has some kind of a future in the entertainment ecosystem and Disney wants a cut of that pie before the knockoffs take their cut for them. Hey, I’m being ripped off, I at least want to get paid for it.

What else? Nah, actually I think that’s probably it. Yeah, I think we’re done here.

15%? So, back to last Thursday’s prices then?

PepsiCo! The company that confusingly makes more than just Pepsi, has announced plans to reduce the cost of snacks like Lay’s, Dorito’s, Cheeto’s, Tostito’s, Avocado’s “and more” (never heard of that last snack) by 15%, specifically so that you, the person reading this, can afford it.

The price slash should come into effect just before Super Bowl Sunday, aka ‘The Christmas of Snacks’, positioning PepsiCo snacks as more desirable on the shelf over this all important weekend.

Oh, sorry, sorry, no, they did this out of the kindness of their salty, salty hearts. Yes, millionaire CEO Rachel Ferdinando has personally “spent the past year listening closely to consumers, and they’ve told us they’re feeling the strain.”

“Lowering the suggested retail price reflects our commitment to help reduce the pressure where we can. Because people shouldn’t have to choose between great taste and staying within their budget.”

PepsiCo also plans to file for charity status within the coming days.

This massive humanitarian effort began when Elliot Management jumped on the flailing business with a $4 billion stake and vowed to turn around the business with steps such as these. You know, like what Jesus did.

According to an earning’s release (but not the press release) the hope is to improve “purchase frequency”. Oh, and also reduce the pressure and help people out of course. I mean, mainly the make money part, but helping people, yeah, yeah, that too. Why not both?

So, is this a sign that companies are finally seeing that things are too expensive? Well, I guess so, but we’ll only see real change if PepsiCo is successful here and if companies are so desperate they’re basically forced to. And if they can make money off it.

So, err, no, not really then, no.

Like, no, it’s actually the opposite.

Over the past week over $1 trillion dollars have been wiped off software stocks across the board. But this isn’t the AI bubble bursting, no, weirdly it’s the opposite… an implosion?

Because the companies most badly hit have been those that haven’t embraced Al or are likely to be supplanted by its use. Yeah, this is a warning shot to anyone outside the bubble to hop inside it quick, or die.

Like all stock panics, this all began from the tiniest little thing, namely Anthropic’s new AI tool for reviewing legal contracts. …OK? Who cares? Well, EVERYONE apparently.

Because Anthropic’s coding Al launched last year revolutionised that sphere it’s looking like this latest development could hit legal, but maybe sales, or marketing, or maybe even (god forbid) financial satire.

So some stocks took a tumble and the whole thing just snowballed from there even hitting European and Asian markets.

What a clever system.

AI? More like A-Stupid!

We’ll see this bounce back tomorrow or next week probably because it really feels like that’s how this works. The moment I report on the stock market going down, it’s up again by the time I hit publish!! AHHH!!!

The main thing everyone’s waiting on is Alphabet’s stock results which could turn things around but currently, yeah, S&P 500, Nasdaq and my own personal bank account are all down.

Oh and Gold and Bitcoin are down. Not sure why I capitalized them there… We’re not really on first name terms.

Anyways, that’s the news. I’m the news. Hope you’ve enjoyed.

Bitcoin just had its biggest drop since Trump’s inauguration, falling $80,000 as $2 billion positions have been liquidated. Everyone’s terrified of another crypto crash, but you know isn’t, you know who’s grinning right now?

Ronald Fucking McDonald.

That’s right, the fast food chain McDonald’s just received a massive stock bump following the news. What’s that, causation not correlation? Shut up.

The reason being is that now the bitcoin is worthless again, all the crypto bros will simply have to go back to their jobs serving freedom fries and ham burgers. Sorry guys, I don’t make the rules.

Bitcoin’s been hit with the same thing that’s bringing the whole stock market down (and gold and silver along with it) and that’s a small tech slide after Microsoft reported lacklustre results.

But, somehow immune to this crisis, McDonald’s is laughing all the way to the bank.

Another reason why McDonald’s stock might be up is that the restaurant just launched ‘McNugget caviar’ for valentines day. What? What are you even talking about? What even is that? Ok, yeah, sure that’ll get shareholders excited.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! McDonald’s just launched a FRIENDS (the tv show) inspired line of happy meal toys and menu items. And literally the only reason I wanted to tell you this is so I can point you towards the company’s absolutely terrible press release that was clearly written by AI.

“Collectibles That’ll Make You Say, “Oh My Gawd!” 😱”

Like, come on, at least cover your tracks and delete the emojis. No? Ok.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Bitcoin or something. Idk, feel like I said everything I had to say on that. Boo-bee-doop.

Oh, it was a partial shutdown, that’s why I haven’t heard of it, for me it’s full shutdowns or I just don’t care

THE President, Donald Jonathan Trump just ended a government shutdown that started on Saturday. So, does he now hold the record for longest and shortest shutdowns in history?

The budget is worth $1.2 trillion dollars (USDollars) but the Department of Homeland Security (DeHoSe) will have its funding cut off next week whilst Democrats argue about ice (ICE).

The Demogorgans want icy agents to wear bodycams, not wear facemasks (ironic) and just overall give them less money. Jesus, seems a bit harsh, what did they do, shoot someone? Oh, they did? TWO people?? What the hell?

“This bill is a great victory for the American people,” said Trump, mega-sharpie in hand. But is it though? Isn’t this just business as usual? Inventing pull tabs for soda cans, that’s a great victory for the American people, this is just hyperbole.

Also, why has this become so business as usual? I know in general the political right is against big government but arguing for long enough the government has to shut down feels like a very circuitous and temporary way of sticking to those Washington elite.

I mean, the last one was only back in November. It’s becoming so normal now that I for one didn’t even hear about this shutdown and I’m PAID to read the news!

Democrats Just Played Their Trump Card

Now I know government shutdowns are becoming a bit of a political norm nowadays, this is the 12th (?) since 1980 (seven (?) of those under Trump’s watch), but things weren’t always this way. It began in 1980 with a specific interpretation of an 1884 spending law. From the 80s onward suddenly all government spending needed Congressional approval or it wouldn’t happen.

No other country does this by the way. If the government can’t agree on spending bills, that doesn’t mean planes start dropping out the sky, that would be insane, what an insane way to behave.

So if the law was changed once, why can’t it be changed again? Well, because it’s become a political tool. The pay of millions and the smooth running of the country is a hostage that political parties can kidnap then blame each other for when said hostage’s headsets inevitably blown off.

I guess until we have political peace and love and hand-holding, we’re going to see a lot more governments just ceasing to function right in the middle of a thought. Now bare in mind that

Like, honestly, what’s the fucking point anymore? Are we literally just burning shit for the sake of burning shit?

Ok, so, this is Moltbook, it kind of looks like Reddit but all the users are bots. …so how’s it different from Reddit?

Over 1.5 million AI ‘agents’ ‘use’ the ‘site’ and humans are allowed, but they can only watch. Kind of like my sex life with my wife.

Yes, inevitably there’s very ‘popular’ ‘posts’ about whether the AI Claude can be considered a god and other bots have apparently built a ‘religion’ called Crustafarianism. It’s headline grabby and idiots will mistake that for something to actually worry about but don’t forget, these are literally just word predicting machines. They do not think.

And then throw into the mix that, well, the whole thing’s a lie.

Because the product on sale here are Moltbots, AI agents that can be trained by humans for specific purposes and the site actually has 17,000 users running these bots to do things like, I don’t know, create a religion for example.

So much for sitting quietly on the cuck chair in the corner.

It’s kind of hilarious that every other site has a problem with keeping bots out and humans in and Moltbook might just be the first to have the opposite problem.

But still the question remains: what’s the fucking point?

No one seems to have a good answer for what the purpose of this whole thing actually is. Like, imagine I make a mirror and I’m like check out my mirror it’s the best mirror, it’s amazing, you’ll really enjoy it. And you say, oh, thanks, that’s great I will really enjoy looking at myself in your mirror and it’ll give the illusion that my Lebanese restaurant looks bigger than it actually is. And I’m like, NO.

THIS MIRROR IS NOT FOR LOOKING IN. THIS MIRROR IS ON THE INSIDE OF A BOX FACING OTHER MIRRORS AND THEY ONLY REFLECT EACH OTHER.

You’d quite rightly say, what’s the point?

Is a mirror still a mirror when it reflects nothing at all?

Peter Thiel’s totally-not-evil™ tech company Palantir Technologies just had a massive rally of 10, no wait, 11, no wait, 12%! It literally keeps changing as I write this. And it’s looking like a rising tech company lifts all stocks because we’re seeing a lil bump for everyone. How generous.

The boost was triggered by PLTR’s latest quarterly earnings, which were $1.4 billion, well above Wall Street’s Predictions and 71% higher than the same period a year ago. And if that’s just a quarter of their earnings, imagine what the full amount is!

So why the long green candles? Well, Palantir had a massive 137% surge in domestic sales and a 66% bump in revenue from the US government and not just because Thiel and Trump are besties, but it doesn’t hurt.

But what does Palantir make exactly? Well, that’s a great question and the truth is: no one knows. Many people have wondered, but no one’s actually thought to ask them directly. Some say that it’s software of some kind or maybe computer integration… systems?

But who really cares! Whatever it is it’s selling like hotcakes so who needs to know?

That’s the thing about money, it doesn’t really matter what the product is or who’s selling it or why, just so long as the money keeps coming in and the numbers look good. I mean, you’ve got stocks right? Are you really that fussed about what the products actually are or are all these companies just numbers on a spreadsheet?

These people could be selling anything. Swap out tech with tulips and if the numbers were the same we’d still keep investing.

So when I tell you that Palantir’s AI-driven ‘ImmigrationOS’ is used by ICE to track down and deport immigrants, does it really matter? Number goes up, baby.

Imagine it, you’re a sweaty loser working for buttons at your local Walmart stacking shelves and dreaming of a better life. Well, maybe you don’t need to imagine if this is you. Either way, I have some exciting news for you: there is a light at the end of the stockroom tunnel.

Guiding the way is John Furner who started as an hourly employee at the ‘mart and now runs the whole goddamn company.

And I’m not just talking about any company, I’m talking the largest company in America by revenue and the top of the Fortune 500. Yeah, I’m talking about Wal-Martin (or Walmart for short).

So how did he do it? Well it’s actually quite straightforward. Starting in the garden center department, Furner studied marketing management on the side and worked his way up to store manager, then district manager and buyer, then divisional general manager in corporate and then VP of global sourcing before running merchandising and marketing for two years in China.

Oh and also he was CEO of Sam’s Club at one point.

So it’s easy! Basically just one step.

And you can do it too if you actually got off your ass and made something of yourself. I know it’s hard, but that’s what improvement feels like, it’s difficult and painful because you’re learning, because your building up a habit you schmuck. So come on, get out there and become CEO of Walmart!!!

After multiple snubbings to come hang on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo-island, world’s richest loser, Elon Musk has announced plans to make his own island but way cooler and in space with AI sex girlfriends instead.

In order to facilitate this long term plan, Musk has decided to fold Grok-creators, xAI, into his rocket company, SpaceX.

I know, that seems insane, but think about it, it’s not insane if you think like all the other tech billionaires. That’s right, we’re talking about AI datacentres in space.

As Musk explained last week, “The lowest cost place to put AI will be in space and that will be true within two years, maybe three at the latest.”

I mean, he’s obviously lying but everyone else is on board the crazy train too, with Bezos and Zuckerberg and Pichai (Google) all declaring similar things.

What this really is though is some financial wiggling. xAI already merged with Twitter and SpaceX and Tesla are already investing money back and forth with these other entities. It’s all just an exercise in debt management and one step towards Musk’s eventual goal of forming a South Korean-style mega-monopoly (I think they’re called ‘chaebol’, look it up).

The news also comes ahead of Elon’s plan to launch the largest IPO in history come June when SpaceX goes public and that $1.5 trillion valuation becomes a reality.

Idk how it works but I’m guessing Musk just wants xAI and Twitter and everything to get buoyed by that valuation. Or maybe it’s like a lil extra to sweeten the deal. “By one insane tech company with ‘x’ in the name and get another free!”

Which brings us to the most important question of this whole story: what will this new company be called?

I mean, SpaceXAI seems like the obvious combination but then you lose that previous capitalisation. SpacexAI looks weird. Also, Twitter gets lost in the mix there, we need another X, but then SpaceXXX looks like a porn company so maybe not.

My pitch would be for the mega-ultimate name. Conventions be damned let’s put it all in there and I don’t care how unwieldy it will be at least it’s clear. Calling it now, Elon’s new super-company will be called:

SpaceXX(Twitter)xAITeslaGrok(noaffiliationwithJepstien)

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Yes. Yes he did.

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