2026 | Wall Street Memes

Errr, yeah, definitely not some insider trading happening here…

Investors put about $950 million dollars (dollars) into bets on oil prices falling just hours before US and Iran announced a ceasefire and oil prices did indeed fall.

8,600 lots on Brent and US crude futures were sold for a massive profit. And this might not seem unusual at first but to place massive lots like this in bulk is unusual.

Does it mean there’s something fishy going on? Is Donald Trump himself sat on Polymarket every night trying to make a killing?

We saw this before back in March when investors sold $500 million in oil futures 15 minutes before Trump delayed attacks on Iran’s energy places and oil had a massive drop again.

An anonymous crypto gambler netted almost half a million on a bet that Maduro would be out just two days before he was ousted by Trump and if you can smell something fishy with that then you might just have a future in law enforcement.

Just five hours before the kidnapping, the secret better doubled down on their bet, implying that he (OR SHE) may have been privy to some of that tasty, tasty insider information.

The account was only one week old at the time of the bet and sure, maybe this brand new user got very lucky and cashed out immediately then disappeared, or…

Or they knew something that no one else did.

Well, people are taking note and in response to this story, Democrat Richie Torres announced a bill to crack down on government officials trading on prediction markets.

Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

It might be an uphill battle however as it seems that the powers that be paved the way for said insider trading.

As Futurism explains: “Back in October, Reuters reported that the Trump Media and Technology Group was working with Crypto.com to implement prediction market functionality into Truth Social. That came as dozens of federal investigations into crypto-based price fixing, securities fraud, and regulatory noncompliance have been dropped at the Trump administration’s urging. Two of those cases were against prediction platforms Polymarket —the very same implicated in the Venezuela allegations — and Kalshi, for selling options contracts related to congressional elections.”

So does this one goes all the way to the top? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Who could have possibly foreseen this?

It’s almost as if we don’t have the infrastructure to make everything powered by neural networks. It’s almost like the companies that have been investing over $600 billion dollars in data centers failed to consider the time and resources required to overhaul civilisation. It’s almost as if this whole AI thing is all hype and no bite…

As Bloomberg explains, the main pinchpoint is electrical components. Things like transformers, switchgears, batteries. China’s increased its output but its not nearly enough to meet the demands.

Before 2020 delivery of transformers took 24 to 30 months, now it takes up to five years. That’s err, that’s too long.

I’m also slightly confused because can’t the transformers just go into plane mode and fly over here and that would be quicker, right?

And of course we’re not even talking about Iran’s impact on energy and of course we’re not even talking about the massive tariffs on China affecting the supply chain here.

So much for the promised new electrical grid that the tech world has been promising. So much for nuclear power. So much for my AI girlfriend, I guess I’ll just have to put her down now…

Thank god Trump Always Chickens Out because honestly, who wanted him to follow through on his threat that “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will.”?

And in this case, sabre rattling seemed like a good idea at the time even if wiping out a civilization is probably a bad idea for everyone.

But how did Wall Street react?

Oil prices have crashed of course, which is great for my bank account.
The trading floor went wild with an influx of last minute trades reacting to the news.
The larger investment firms have gone all in on AI and treasury funds while the price is right.

In short: it’s a massive rally as Wall Street heaves a sigh of relief that we might have some stability for two weeks at least.

We’ll see if it’ll last of course. Who knows, Trump could easily TACO out of his TACO and Uno Reverse us again. You never can tell with the man who once said, “As president, my highest aspiration is to bring peace and stability to the world.”

Guys. I’ve worked it out. I’ve solved the problem guys. It’s so OBVIOUS.

Look, it’s a well known thing now that OpenAI just doesn’t make money and has been struggling to find out how to capitalize off their insanely costly technology.

But guys. That’s the point. They can’t make a profit off ChatGPT because they’re a non-profit. It all makes sense now! They can’t legally make money because they exist for the good of humanity. Of course! It’s so OBVIOUS now! Those defense contracts were a charitable endeavor!

Wait, what’s that? OpenAI is still technically a non-profit but it’s a shell company that manages a for-profit company within that non-profit? …oh. Well. ok. I mean, that doesn’t sound shady at all…

So AI can’t make money, but people keep spending on it. $121 billion sounds small even.

Does it mean there’s a bubble? Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to pop any time soon nor does it mean that AI has no utility.

I for one use AI to supplement my personal human social relationships.

Will I ever pay for that service? Err, no.

And that’s part of the problem, right? Everything’s free now so everyone expects everything for free which means no one wants to pay and we need another revenue stream and all anyone’s ever been able to think of is advertising so adverts are literally everywhere now and everything is unusable.

Can’t wait for ChatGPT to go the same way.

Oh the other model is to sell data to the advertising companies. OpenAI’s doing that too.

OH but there’s a secret third option if you don’t mind going evil and that’s defense contracts. Yeah, if consumers refuse to pay you any money then force them to through taxes and get your friends to agree to funnel that money into your face.

Easy. Peasey.

For the CEO of maybe the biggest AI company in the world right, Sam Altman sure doesn’t seem to have much positive to say about AI all the time.

Maybe it’s just to grab headlines (shit it’s working) but Saltman’s always going off on some sensationalist warning about the dangers of AI. Errrr… wait, isn’t that the product that you’re selling?

Maybe it’s a tactic, like, it builds on the mystique of how powerful these broken calculators are. Or another tactic is that it’s a straight up threat. Like, “Ohhh, these things are pretty dangerous, better pay us more to make sure that they’re safe…” “Oh yeah, this AI comes with a ‘won’t murder everyone function’ but that’s only on the premium tier plan…”

Because that certainly seems to be the approach with Nostradamus-Altman’s latest prophecy.

In a recent interview with Axios, Altman said, “We’re not that far away from a world where there are incredibly capable open-source models that are very good at biology,” he said. “The need for society to be resilient to terrorist groups using these models to try to create novel pathogens is no longer a theoretical thing.”

And to avoid this “world-shaking cyberattack” would require a “tremendous amount of work.” Aaaand there it is. Man, everything really is just an advert, isn’t it?

I mean, he has a point. Last year over $1.4 billion dollars of money in crypto was stolen from crypto industries in cyberattacks last over (crypto).

And things are potentially only going to get worse. Idk if you saw this but there was a story recently saying that quantum computers might be able to crack Bitcoin keys in just 9 minutes.

It’s a huge finding that will have massive repercussions (a quantum leap, if you will) for finance, Web3, NFTs and my bro Darren who put all his life savings into BTC when it hit its ATH.

So, yes, cyptophers (people who use crypto) knew this was on the horizon but they thought they had more time (don’t we all). But Google’s Quantum AI researchers have just published a white paper (what is with you guys and white papers?) that moves the date for the great quantum jailbreak (q-day) up to 2032.

What they found was that the number of quantum bits (qubits) required to break bitcoin, ether and most other cryptocurrencies isn’t in the millions, it’s more like 500,000.

Crap.

Ok, ok, settle down everyone. Stop screaming. We’re still a long ways off. The most advanced quantum chip out there is Google’s own Willow which has a pathetic 105 qubits. (Wait, what’s stopping anyone from stapling 5000 of those to each other?)

If you’re wondering more about how this actually works, here’s a paragraph from the Forbes article that I’m cribbing, they explain it much better than I could:

“Bitcoin’s security relies on a single mathematical assumption: that deriving a private key from a public key is computationally impossible for any existing machine. The specific math is called the Elliptic Curve Discrete Logarithm Problem. Every time someone sends bitcoin, they reveal their public key. A classical computer would need longer than the age of the universe to reverse-engineer the private key from it.”

But quantum computers aren’t classical computers and they can compute far more complicated computational computations, the kind that could “derive a private key, forge a digital signature and drain a wallet.”

Bitcoin mining though wouldn’t be affected, that uses a different algorithm or something, idk, I’m not smart.

As expected, the markets reacted to this news with supposedly quantum resistant crypto coins surging a massive 50% in value. Guys calm down, nothing’s happened yet.

Do you remember when the first news about COVID first broke? I don’t know about you but I really discounted it. We’d had so many pandemic scares on the news before it was like the boy who cried wolf. I know that’s maybe selfish, like, these were affecting places and my first thought was ‘don’t care until it affects me’.

But my point is that when a disease gets reported on it is hard to tell if this is the real deal or just another sensationalist headline (because they do like those).

So just keep your wits about you when we talk about Cicada, a new COVID variant officially called BA.3.2. It’s from the Omicron strain (remember that one?) and the current vaccine is less effective against it (but does provide some resistance).

Since its identification in November 2024 it’s spread to 23 countries and at least 25 US states.

“These are still early days,” said professor of infectious diseases at Vanderbilt University Dr. William Schaffner. “But at the moment the conclusion seems to be there is this capacity for this new variant to evade some of the protections we have all acquired over the years.”

“Whether it will push itself to the front of the line remains to be seen. We’ll have to wait and see.” Encouraging stuff.

Oh here’s a good quote: “We haven’t seen evidence of this variant causing more severe disease or an increase in hospitalizations elsewhere,” according to CBS News medical contributor Dr. Celine Gounder, editor-at-large for public health at KFF Health News (what a mouthful).

So we’re OK, right? RIGHT? I CAN’T HANDLE ANOTHER LOCKDOWN!!!

So the Artemis II astronauts are currently on their six-day trip to the moon and they’ll potentially head further than any human has been before, going around the moon and back. That’s a long way to go without a rest stop…

Because they immediately hit a snag when the fan in the urine part of the waste management system malfunctioned. Thankfully, the problem was assessed on the ground and a solution quickly implemented much to the relief of the astronauts.

“Happy to report that toilet is go for use,” Mission Control radioed the astronauts. “We do recommend letting the system get to operating speed before donating fluid, and then letting it run a little bit after donation.”

Although one ‘stronaut couldn’t wait and already had to go in a bag which is how the toilet-less Apollo astronauts had to do it back in the 60s. Ew.

To Boldly Go

Btw, did anyone watch the launch? It was pretty cool, idk, I’ve never seen a live rocket launch before and I thought it was pretty cool. Like you forget, right? You see enough in movies and clips from previous launches that it’s become commonplace and you forget that it’s actually an awesome thing. Like feat of human engineering type stuff.

Oh wait, this is ostensibly a finance blog so I guess I should discuss the price here.

This is NASA’s biggest rocket ever and the first step in the next era of space exploration: sending people to the moon and beyond. So obviously it’s expensive and the whole program has already cost $93 billion (2012-2025) and each individual launch costs upwards of $4 billion.

Now lots of people say that’s an expensive waste of money and that we should sort out our problems down here first. And sure, we should, but we can and should do both. People are working hard to solve our problems down here, yeah they probably need more money but it’s not like NASA isn’t taking money away from them.

NASA is relatively cheap, I mean, for comparison, the US defense budget is up to a trillion dollars a year whereas NASA is $24.4 billion a year. 0.35% of government spending. I’d say this whole thing is worth it as a side project.

Because think about it, what are you going to do when you solve all the world’s problems? Let’s say there’s no more war, no more poverty, no more climate change, no more inequality, everyone has the personal freedoms they desire, then what? What is humanity going to do once everything’s sorted? Probably go to space, right? Ok, now how likely is it that we’ll ever solve all those problems? We’re humans, we’ll always have problems, we’re always going to fight. So why wait for everything to be perfect before we begin some side quests?

Do you have your whole life in order before you start pursuing your dreams? No, you know that time doesn’t wait. You start doing it now.

But I’d still like you to try. No, please. I’ll wait. Go ahead, guess… No. Wrong. Fine, I’ll just tell you.

It’s AI, but not in the way you think.

Because there’s a trend lately of tech companies laying off people in droves and then saying it’s because they’ve been replaced by AI. While this seems cold to us humans, for tech CEOs you appear to be tech-forward and pro-AI, increasing your perceived value to investors when you are in fact downsizing.

Because the truth is normally that AI is a smoke screen for mismanagement and poor sales requiring redundancies. For example Jack Dorsey’s ‘Block’ fired a bunch of people and claimed it was because of AI when really they just overhired during COVID but wanted to look tech-forward to investors.

In the case of Oracle it’s a little different because the company is in the process of upscaling its business, specifically in the AI sector. “According to analysis from TD Cowen, the job cuts are expected to free up between $8 billion and $10 billion in cash flow, money the company urgently needs to fund a massive buildout of AI data centers.”

And there it is.

It’s OK, you’re not being replaced by AI, you’re being replaced to make way for AI.

Completely different.

Not that that’s any consolation for those who’ve lost their jobs. 30,000 people across America, Europe and India who had to wake up to a cold email saying you’ve been let go. That’s not the way to do it, guys, have some self respect.

So let’s here it from just a small fraction of those affected. These are all from Reddit:

u/TattoosAndBeers: “My dad has worked for Oracle for 20 years, worked for the same boss for 20 years. Not even a phone call. These companies are evil What is he supposed to do for the next 2 years? Keep in mind, he has cancer and now he has no health insurance.”

u/PossibleElectrical13: “I was also laid off after almost 5 years, but it was yesterday. My, now former, manager had scheduled a call last Friday for a “quick catch up” where he told me the news. Oracle had transferred me to Canada from the U.S. 6 months ago. Now my family and I are alone and jobless and with immigration uncertainty. At least we had one last call before I was locked out of everything.”

u/seesitesound: “I was with Oracle for 26 years, and got the email at 6am. That they didn’t bother to do a phone call is disgusting, cowardly, and just plain ugly. I loved my time at Oracle – up until September, 2025, when I was moved to a different team in my org. Still doing the same thing (which I loved), plus new stuff (which I didn’t). New manager.

Once there was talk of RIFs, my manager (a VP – I was M5), FREAKED out – going on and on about losing his job, polishing up his resume, etc. etc.

I realized then that he wouldn’t hesitate to put me on the list to save himself, which is what happened. I have no idea the impact of the rest of his team, but I suspect that because I was new to that team, they went with last in, first out. Everyone else had worked for him for a number of years.

None of them know what I did despite trying to share the load – I still gave updates to my previous manager. New manager literally did not give a shit, and his team was the least welcoming group I’ve ever worked with.

It’s easier to lay blame on one person, right or wrong, and I blame him. I wish him discomfort every day of his life moving forward, and that he never knows a moment’s peace. I will be fine. I’m so, so sad. But I’ll be fine.

Also, sidebar: I always kind of vaguely understood that Larry Ellison was not a good guy. But recent months have driven home what a truly bad person he is.”

Sell your Bitcoin.

I’m serious. This is a huge finding that will have massive repercussions (a quantum leap, if you will) for finance, Web3, NFTs and my bro Darren who put all his life savings into BTC when it hit its ATH.

What they found was that the number of quantum bits (qubits) required to break bitcoin, ether and most other cryptocurrencies isn’t in the millions, it’s more like 500,000.

Crap.

Quantum Shmantum

If you’re wondering more about how this actually works, here’s a paragraph from the Forbes article that I’m cribbing, they explain it much better than I could:

Bitcoin mining though wouldn’t be affected, that uses a different algorithm or something, idk, I’m not smart.

As expected, the markets reacted to this news with supposedly quantum resistant crypto coins surging a massive 50% in value. Guys calm down, nothing’s happened yet.

IF YOU’RE ONLY HERE FOR THE HOT TIP, TLDR;

Ditch the bit(coin), ETH and the standard cryptos and maybe have a look at Quantum Resistant Ledger (QRL) and Cellframe (CEL) which have ballooned 50%. Other quantum resistant tokens like Abelian (ABEL), up 25%, and Qubic (QUBIC) and QANplatform (QANX), both up 10%, and Zcash (ZEC), up 7%, are well worth a look. Geez, surely we’ve run out of three-letter acronyms by this point.

OH wait, sorry, should have said, this isn’t financial advice, ignore me! IGNORE ME! DELETE THIS MESSAGE!

It’s just a marketing stunt, basically.

The White House just posted a picture on X of a website they’d supposedly launched, provocatively titled ‘OnlyFarms.gov’. And if I have to explain that joke, you poor, innocent thing…

Except, this isn’t quite true, because typing in OnlyFarms.gov just redirects to the White House’s page for agriculture. It’s got a slow-mo montage of Trump hanging out with farmers so you know he cares and then it lists a bunch of policies that they’re doing for agriculture.

Damn, I wanted to see some sexy sheep dot gov.

OnlyFarms? More Like OnlyGarms, amIright? hahaha

As the top comment on Reddit puts it really well:

“Everyone is talking about “OnlyFarms” instead of:

A record-high of 15,000 farm closures in 2025 (source).
A 46% increase in chapter 12 bankruptcies in the agriculture sector in 2025 (source).
The loss of 2.5 million acres of farmland in 2025 (source).”

And I’ll let you read all that for yourselves.

Point is, don’t fall for these government hijinks. They just want your attention, it’s more valuable to them than anything else. So make sure you value it too.

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Errr, yeah, definitely not some insider trading happening here…

Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

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