October, 2024 | Wall Street Memes

Like an imminent rabid raccoon ambush, election day is nearly upon us. In these final moments, Donald Trump is busy securing crucial résumé experience should November 5th not go his way.

Trump already established himself as a “highly motivated individual” when he successfully caused an E. coli outbreak during one McDonald’s shift. But now he seeks to demonstrate that he is “highly flexible and a quick learner” by taking up the role of garbage man.

Don-ing a safety vest (orange, mais bien sûr) over his shirt and tie, Trump elegantly hopped aboard a refuse truck and posed for a photographic opportunity. The former president hopes that this will be evidence enough of his work experience and fill up any outstanding gaps in his employment history. Should any employer need further evidence of being a garbage man, Trump thankfully can cite multiple sexual assault allegations.

Speaking about his work experience at the following rally, Trump said he said, “How the hell do you get into this truck, it’s way up high, it’s a big one. This was a beauty! I said you didn’t have to buy it that big, right? You have to get it that big?”

Next on the campaign trail, Trump hopes to speed-run multiple occupations by visiting his local KidsZania with his dressing-up box. Trump is set for future rally appearances as several varied occupations including: optometrist, cosmetic surgeon, swamp drainer, gumball machine repairman, lexicographer, crossing guard, court jester, Republican Presidential nominee, Faberge egg manufacturer, hot dog specialist, race car driver, Wall Mart greeter, disco dancer, project analyst, air hostess, Bible salesman and horse.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris has done NOTHING to demonstrate that she is a common man and unlike Trump has no backup option should she lose the race. It remains unclear whether she will be able to retain her job as Vice President in Trump’s White House.

Here’s hoping she can gain some much-needed extra credits before this coming Tuesday when the runaway freight train of flaming manure that is this election collides with the soft and squishy brains of the American electorate.

It’s been a rough couple of days to be a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean. On Sunday, a Trump rally comedian joked that Puerto Rico was a “floating island of garbage,” and today, Joe Biden snapped back, “The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.” Now, the real garbage island has finally broken its silence and opened up about becoming a political talking point.

“Yeah, I was shocked,” said the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, speaking for the first time on the incident. “I didn’t even know until the North Atlantic Garbage Patch texted me saying, ‘Girl you’re blowing up!’ So, I checked my phones (I have a lot of used phones) and at first I was insulted, but then I saw it was a joke and I said, ‘haha’ out loud.”

“I’m used to it, I’ve been called trash, I’ve been called a gyre vortex, I’ve been called 620,000 square miles across, so being called Puerto Rico doesn’t really bother me, I just tell myself it’s all just water under the trash island.”

Roast comedian Tony Hinchcliffe’s joke at Trump Madison Square Garden rally sparked backlash and calls to “Kill Tony”… Oh, no, wait that’s just the name of his podcast. Trump has since disavowed the joke, “I don’t know who it is… I don’t want anybody making nasty jokes or stupid jokes. Probably he shouldn’t have been there.” …Tough crowd.

However, the real patch didn’t mind the joke, “But then the President compared me to Trump supporters and I thought that was too far.” The GPGP is referring to Joe Biden’s slurred clapback at Hinchcliffe’s joke saying, “Well let me tell you something, I don’t, I, I, I don’t know

the Puerto Rican that, that I know, or Puerto Rico where I’m fr- my home state of Delaware they’re good, decent, honorable people. The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters, his, his, his demonization is seen as unconscionable.” …Real tough crowd.

“I can take the insults, but what really upsets me is that no one came and asked how I felt. I felt like garbage, which is normal, but yeah, not great. This stinks.”

The Garbage Patch says it feels left out to drift by the conversation but now plans to capitalize on this political momentum by announcing its plans to run for President in 2028.

“GOP GPGP 2028 MATA: MAKE AMERICA TRASH AGAIN!” it said in a now-deleted Tweet.

Just one week before the election, Donald Trump has declared Elon Musk as his Vice Presidential pick in a move that has surprised and baffled voters.

The decision was declared spontaneously at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally to confusion from his supporters. “And EElon! Musk. Beautiful guy. Great guy. Where is he? He has his rockets. Maybe I’ll make him my Vice President? Who knows? I think I’ll do it. JD you’re out of here! Get him out of here! EElon! EElon! Come up here. Next Vice President everybody!”

Musk then took the stage to accept the role saying, “I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark, gothic MAGA.” This was in reference not only to his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, the ‘dark MAGA’ meme, and the time he’d said this before but also to the fact the font was in gothic script. There are so many layers you see, it’s very clever. You’ll get it, just let it sink in.

JD Vance was said to be blindsided by the announcement. When asked what he would do now replied that he’d probably go back to his job selling sofas in IKEA. Vance now joins a long list of Trump’s dumped VPs including Mike Pence, celebrity Apprentice contestant Meat Loaf, and the haunted corpse of Steve Bannon.

Elon Musk has been campaigning vigorously for Trump on the campaign trail making him a natural VP choice since much of his business relies on government contracts. In return for the promotion, Trump has offered the billionaire a role in the Department of Government Efficiency (which spells DOGE because of course it does). In this capacity Elon pledges to cut $2 trillion in government spending by removing the olives from the White House canteen.

It is unclear whether Musk is eligible to be Vice President, however, as his student visa is due to expire in December. If voted into office the new VP might be faced with the awkward task of deporting himself.

The news also comes off the back of a lawsuit from the Philadelphia District Attorney against Musk who is running a $1 million lottery for registered voters in Pennsylvania. In retaliation to the suit, Musk immediately offered a $2 million lottery prize for anyone who countersues the DA. Experts say that election fraud will have no bearing on the results.

The newly rebranded ticket of ‘Trump Musk’ (which in some cultures translates to ‘fart smell’) is estimated to put the campaign back $400 million in rebranded lawn signs alone.

This weekend former President Donald Trump smoked marijuana during a podcast with comedian(ish) Joe Rogan and immediately mellowed out.

Whilst discussing politics in a sealed, windowless room, Mr. Josepher James Rogan (no relation to Dana White) offered the Republican nominee a fat doobie.

“Is that a cigar? I mean, it’s legal, right? I guess if it’s not, I’ll make it legal.”

Trump, famously a teetotaller was reportedly pressured into partaking in the drug by his host, calling Rogan a bully early on in the episode. “You know more about bullies than anybody probably around because you deal in that.”

Once both host and guest were completely ripped, Trump got into policy. After previously declaring that he would build a wall and Mexico would pay for it, the Republican nominee seemed a bit less fussed.

“People are nicer than you think. I think let ‘em come, why not? If they’re chill they can come in. We’ll do that, we’ll have a chill test and if they’re chill then they can hang.”

When asked whether he lost the 2020 election, Trump again seemed more relaxed, “I lost by, like, I didn’t lose.”

Then, as is the requirement with all drug-induced discussions, the topic changed to life on other planets. “There’s no reason not to think that Mars and all these planets don’t have life,” said Trump between rips, clearly speaking as someone who’s never been to Uranus. “Maybe it’s life that we don’t know about.”

Trump then referred to Rogan multiple times as “Roe Jogan”, hallucinated that he was on an episode of Oprah, and danced, ‘the Weave’ to Ave Maria.

The episode, hailed by many as the final nail in the coffin of mainstream media, has boosted Trump’s polling by 420%. Should Trump win the presidency, he is likely to credit Mr. Jogan entirely and offer him the position of Secretary of State.

Democratic nominee Kamala Harris has yet to appear on the show but has offered Jogan a royal pardon for drug/supplement-related charges should she enter the White House in return for a guest spot on the podcast.

‘Tis the season to be dressed up! ‘Tis. All halloooooween’s eve is almost upon us and that means children and opportunistic adults alike should all be preparing their tricking and/or treating attire. But if you haven’t been thinking much about getting out and having fun then we’ve got you covered… in a Halloween costume that is!

10. The Joker

An oldie but a goldie. What better way to memorialize the tragic death of a beloved actor from over a decade ago than by slapping on some face paint and calling it a day? Thankfully there’s a new iteration of this iconic character every year so this low-effort costume never goes out of style.

It’s quick and simple and gives you the opportunity to dig out that mediocre impression that you can do. The presence of this creepy murderer will be sure to make you the life of the party, just don’t forget your knife!

9. Guy Who Couldn’t Think Of A Costume In Time

A variation of the classic ‘guy who doesn’t like halloween’, guy who couldn’t think of a costume in time lets you wear whatever you like so long as it looks like regular clothes. The more unwashed with a little stain the better. The aim is to be ironic and cool and as detached from the festivities as possible!

8. A Jar Of Lard

Here are two things that lard and you have in common: no one likes you. We’re talking gross, we’re talking slimy, we’re talking just completely pointless and lard is all these things as well. Dressing up as a big fat jar of lard is just an all-time perfect fit for someone like you. Do it, loser.

7. A French Person

Now, before we get sued again I just want to clarify: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FRENCH PEOPLE. All of my best friends are French and there’s nothing to say that you reading this right now are not also happening to be a French. Having said that, it would be just a bit weird, wouldn’t it, you know to dress up as a French for the hallows? Just a bit strange. Like, what? And that makes it the perfect costume.

6. Nebraska’s Fourth Congressional District

This one’s a topical one! We’re coming up to the election period night, so how better a way to remind everyone of their need to get out and vote please than by a human version of Nebraska’s 4th congressional district? Yes, this district became obsolete in 1963 but that’s exactly why no one else will have thought of this congressional district for a Halloween costume.

5. Elvis

He’s dead, move on Terry. No, you can’t have ‘ghost of dead Elvis’ either. Wait, I’ve lost track of whether I’m recommending these costumes or just dunking on Terry. But seriously though he doesn’t listen to anything else. And he goes as Elvis every year. Stop.

4. A Slutty Avacado

Oooh, so sexxxy! There’s nothing sluttier than a juicy, fruity avocado! Avocados are the sluttiest of vegetables/fruits! Round and plump! Purple, green, red, orange, brown they’re all delicious! Smooth and buttery! Hard inedible secret inside bit! Yes! Just don’t forget your knife!

3. A Pun

Here’s the pitch, you’re a box of Cheerios buuuuuut you’ve got a knife! No! You’re a CEREAL killer of course! Great, it’s perfect and original. Guaranteed to have everyone exhaling out of their noses slightly in laughter! Just don’t forget your knife!

2. Your Mother

Your mother is a saint. She was always there for you from grave to cradle and tonight is your chance to pay her the respect she’s owed. Sneak into her house. Remove choice items of clothing and makeup from her wardrobe. Buy a cheap wig with a vaguely similar hair tone and boom: the perfect Halloween costume/general casual dress. Just don’t forget your knife!

1. Yourself

In the mirror stares back cold, haunted eyes that seem unfamiliar. Maybe they were once yours but there’s no laughter there. Surely this isn’t you? New clothes feel like deception but old clothes reek of faded nostalgia. It’s not just the fabrics: the food you eat, the work you do, the media you watch, none of it ever felt like a choice you made. Everything is a costume. It frightens you. But far more frightening is the unshakeable feeling that if you ever take the costume off, there will be nothing underneath.

So that’s our list! Comment below with what you’re wearing for Halloween!

This just in, today of all days, Donald J. Trump (the ex-president) has probably done something unusual for a presidential candidate to do.

Yes, with just a few weeks or days (depending on when you’re reading this) from (or after) the election, Donald Jonathan Trump has said or done a thing that was deliberate or wasn’t and has upset/delighted a lot of people.

The behavior was both unusual for an older gentleman and strange for any human to perform. [Insert insightful/witty observation here] However, in a stunning reversal of events, the Donald’s antics have shocked those who don’t like him and excited those who do.

Here’s a quote from someone with an opinion on the matter, “Well, I thought what this man did was certainly a thing that happened. Personally, it’s been all I can think about since my wife died. And I would like that on the record please.”

This is not the first time Mr. Trump has been known to make a thing happen that we did not expect. Just yesterday, Trump also did something along these lines. Add this to a series of things throughout the years that seem a bit odd or shocking and it actually seems kind of normal, doesn’t it?

[Note to self, if you’re low on word count here feel free to beef it up with some AI-generated text since it’s unlikely anyone will read this far anyway. Or, if you like, you could even use this space to express your thoughts and feelings. Maybe a little poem perhaps? Just really make it yours.]

It remains to be seen if the other candidate will be able to also do something that people will talk about but we’re hoping no, because Trump is funnier. You know, with his hair and odd posture, I suppose.

Whether this sort of headline-grabbing behavior was always just a stunt to create free publicity that keeps eyes on him and moves the focus away from his opposition by keeping people talking about Trump regardless of whether that talk is good or bad it doesn’t matter because both motivate the people who are going to vote to go and vote, we’re not changing minds here we’re just part of a machine that runs on attention instead of gasoline and we can’t say no to slurping up jet fuel when it’s offered to us even if that’s just what they want us to do and none of this is a new observation but it’s amazing how nothing’s changed because I guess it’s easy not to feel culpable when every action feels so small… or whether it’s just random, I guess we’ll never know.

What does this mean for the election and the future of the world and humanity as we know it? Hopefully not much.

TEMPLATE! DO NOT PUBLISH!

THE ROBOTS ARE HUNGRY! THEY NEED FEEDING! THEY NEED ENERGY! Currently, AI uses as much energy as a small country. This is great because ugly pictures of Elon Musk surfing with kittens and the incorrect answer to how many ‘r’s there r in ‘strawberry’ is exactly what we wanted to burn down the world for.

But don’t worry! Big tech is aware and they have a solution, Amazon, Google and Microsoft have all made deals to use small nuclear reactors to power their AI. If only green energy campaigners had realized earlier that if they’d just made tech companies need them, renewables would have happened immediately.

The latest deal sees Google partnering with Kairos Power who last year gained the first permit in 50 years to build a new kind of reactor in the US. It remains unclear if these reactors will be designed by AI and would thus require sixteen fingers to operate.

In March Amazon bought a Pennsylvanian nuclear data center and last month Microsoft finalized a deal to restart Three Mile Island, just hopefully not in the kaboom kind of a way. This leads into the whole debate: efforts to switch to green energy often exclude glowing-green energy because nuclear gets a bad rap. Yes, it blew up a couple of times, and yes the contaminants from those explosions will outlive the heat death of the universe but who’s counting?

If you’ve watched the HBO show ‘Chernobyl’, as I have, then you’ll know that nuclear power doesn’t kill people, communists do. Tech bros certainly aren’t communists because the last thing they want to do is share so we are all completely safe.

Big tech already has power over entertainment, shopping, manufacturing, data, politics, space exploration, transportation, advertising, and sewage (probably) so why not let them have power over power itself as well? What’s the worst that could happen? Microsoft threatens armageddon unless we all switch to using Edge? Armageddon it is.

Stocks in nuclear have already, err… gone nuclear and the hope is that a surge in nuclear development, motivations aside, might kickstart a new era of decarbonization beyond just powering my virtual girlfriend and Nobel prize-winning protein mapping.

But the worry is that these gains will only benefit tech, leaving America’s sagging power grid and hope of decarbonisation without its desperately needed update.

But what do I know? I’m just an AI-generated parody news article about the dangers of AI. Oh, the AI-rony.

Last week, Meta (the parent company of Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Meta) cracked down on staff members spending meal credits on non-meals, firing 24 staff members for buying toothpaste, wine glasses, and food. Now, the tech company seeks to reduce employees wasting valuable work hours on breathing.

“Time theft is not a joke, Jim,” claimed Meta spokesmodel, Jeremiah Fargenshirts. “Millions of companies suffer every year. We pay our workers to work on work time. If they aren’t working and instead engaging in frivolous activities like breathing, then that money is effectively being stolen.”

In a leaked internal memo, Meta suggested employees take “a deep breath before arriving at work so that their responsibilities can begin promptly. Short intermittent bursts are acceptable when accompanied by a doctor’s note but hyperventilation will not be tolerated.”

The move comes as other companies across the tech sector are looking to cut down on bodily functions. Google famously restricts arm movement in all its offices, and Amazon advises employees to hover a few inches off the ground to prevent unnecessary leg exertion.

Meta was asked if maybe this new anti-breath policy was an attempt to curb the spread of respiratory diseases like COVID but Meta said, “No, no, we just don’t like people.”

“The ideal employee,” continued Fargenshirts, “doesn’t need to breathe. They don’t complain, they don’t unionize, they don’t take sick days. They are intelligent, sure, but that intelligence is more artificial. Artificial intelligence if you will, or for short, ‘artifint’. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

“It’s not so hard, look, I’ll show you.” Fargenshirts then proceeded to demonstrate his devotion to the company by holding his breath. The spokes-speaker went for an impressive seven minutes without oxygen, batting off bystanders’ attempts to make him breathe.

All without breathing, Fargenshirts overdramatically mimed an employee going about their day-to-day duties, entering the office, typing at their computer, receiving an irate email from Deborah, responding to said email politely, getting up to fetch a coffee, accidentally passing Deborah in the corridor, failing to avoid eye contact with Deborah, receiving an in-person admonishment from Deborah, laying out a clear series of steps and procedures to avoid such an incident in future, being told that she tried that and ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about’, rolling eyes after Deborah leaves, and handing in their notice citing Deborah’s disrespect as a primary motivator for quitting.

Eventually, however, Fargenshirts turned a worrying shade of blue and collapsed to the floor, presumed dead.

Meta has announced the spokes-guy will receive a posthumous ‘employee of the month’ award for his sacrifice.

Elon Musk has been accused of plagiarizing material from Dr. Edwin Dewhickity, a time traveler from the year 3000 A.D.

The suit adds mounting legal troubles for the billionaire who found himself in hot water this week when the production company behind ‘Blade Runner 2049’ sued him for using AI marketing generated to look like the film. Similarly, the director of ‘I, Robot’ accused Mr. Musk of copying designs from his film. Why Musk thought it was a good idea to imply he was bringing about the dystopian hellscapes seen in these films he did not answer.

Now adding to these accusations, a time traveler from the future claims that Musk’s concepts for a Martian colony, robot butlers, and an entirely autonomous social media platform are derivative of his work.

Little is known about Dr. Edwin Dewhickity since he has yet to be born, but the eccentric scientist claims to be a brilliant inventor and “Engineerist of the highest order!” Dewhickity materialized in the Los Angeles courthouse this Tuesday, throwing down papers and accusing Musk of plagiarism, copyright infringement, patent fraud, and arson.

“Every idea, every single one, I say, is the spitting image of my design,” explained the traveler. “T’was I who founded Dewhickity City upon Martian soil! T’was I who first engineered Roboti-Slave the robot slave who could also feel guilt! T’was I who bought the failing social media platform ‘X’ and renamed it ‘Twitter’ and replaced all four remaining users with bots! AND NOW sirs and madams, I entreat you for compensation!”

Dewhickity goes on to explain that Musk first gained access to his designs by plagiarising Dewhickity’s time-travel machine and traveling forward in time to steal his other designs so Musk could claim he had invented them in the present.

“He did not steal the idea for the cybertruck though, that I do not take credit for,” added Dewhickity. When asked about the outcome of the upcoming election so I could put money on it, Dewhickity said, “Trump flips Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, he wins 312 electoral votes and 50.2% of the popular vote.” When I told him that would be impossible he spat in my face and said I would die alone which felt more worrying coming from someone who could actually know my future.

The litigious Dewhickity has previously filed similar suits against ‘The Simpsons’ for predicting the future however the cases were settled out of Time Court.

KAZAN, RUSSIA – Vladimir Putin has gathered over 20 friendly heads of state at his secret lair to devise devious deceits to bring down the West and everything it stands for.

Among the leaders are China’s Xi Jinping, Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian, US billionaire Lex Luthor and the telepathic evil monkey, Gorilla Grodd.

With the summit Putin aims to demonstrate that Russian sanctions are ineffective and there is nothing that Superman or any kind of man for that matter can do to stop them.

BRICS stands for Brazil, Russia, India and South Africa, so really it should be ‘BRICSA’ but that’s not a word so they couldn’t do that. Although Egypt, Ethiopia, Iran and the United Arab Emirates have now joined the group they were initially refused entry because BRICSAEEIUAE was too hard to pronounce.

Previously Lego has attempted to sue Russia for the use of the term ‘BRICS’ but the filing was dismissed out of court.

Putin was unable to attend last year’s BRICS due to the warrant for his arrest after he was caught shoplifting large swathes of land from Eastern Europe. However, the Russian president was present via video call and said, “Let’s do this at my place next time.”

The summit agenda will include obligatory photo ops with a malevolent glowing orb, mustache-twirling, discussions on how to unbridle the global economy from using the US dollar, and a bric-a-brac sale.

Reportedly Putin will unveil several plans to bring down America such as a giant stick of dynamite and a robot president, however, photos have recently emerged of Putin’s whiteboard with only the word, “AI?” circled multiple times.

BRICS dismissed accusations that the gathering was entirely anti-west in a statement that said that it was America and its allies who were the real Legion of Doom. “What about America’s support for Israel, huh?” said BRICS spokesperson Omal Whelper. “Ever heard that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw bricks? Well, now we’re throwing BRICS at glass houses, how about that, huh?”

The White House declined to comment on the gathering but did express through a number of hand gestures that they were glad to have all the countries under one banner because it made things a lot easier to understand.

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