May, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

… And it didn’t work! The ratings firm Moody’s has just downgraded the US’s credit rating from AAA to Aa1 (which is worse apparently… even though it looks better imo).

As a result, the dollar has slid (again) and longer-dated treasury yields rose 5%… whatever that means. Don’t look at me, I’m a letters guy, not a numbers guy.

Markets reacted exactly how you’d expect: with complete and utter confusion. The Dow dipped slightly before bouncing back, like a toddler who fell down and forgot why they were crying. Bitcoin spiked for absolutely no reason (as usual), and someone on CNBC tried to explain the bond market using a whiteboard and a metaphor involving avocado toast.

Moody’s In A Bad Mood With Trump

Mr. Moody himself released a statement saying that this downgrade, “Reflects the increase over more than a decade in government debt and interest payment ratios to levels that are significantly higher than similarly rated sovereigns.” But clearly this bitch ain’t never heard of ‘you’ve gotta spend money to make money’.

Economists warn that the downgrade could raise borrowing costs for the government, which sounds bad, though to be fair, the government borrows money the way college students do: with zero intention of ever paying it back.

Naturally, Trump defaulted to his tried and true method: blame Biden. Taking to the political equivalent of yelling into a mirror (Truth Social), Trump posted, “AMERICA’S CREDIT SCORE WAS PERFECT UNDER ME!!! BIDEN RUINED EVERYTHING. SAD!!!”

The White House replied to the news, saying, “If Moody’s had any credibility, they would not have stayed silent as the fiscal disaster of the past four years unfolded.” So true. I, for one, had never heard of Moody’s until this very moment.

Big, Beautiful Bust

This awkward news follows Trump’s “big, beautiful” budget bill getting shot down on Friday by none other than five of Trump’s own Republicans. Mega awks.

The proposed bill would have cut taxes by $3.72 trillion over ten years, cut Medicaid spending and cut tax on tips. Dissenting Republicans felt the cuts did not go far enough whereas Democrats said the cuts went too far. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Republicans have vowed to bring back a “better, more Trumpy” version of the budget, including bigger, more beautiful tax cuts, military spending increases, and a line item for “Space Force Merch.” Democrats responded with their own proposal: “No.”

Still, Trump remains undeterred. When asked what his next move would be to fix the economy, he answered confidently: “We’re looking into NFTs. Very classy ones. George Washington in a MAGA hat. Tremendous value.”

Stay tuned, folks. America’s credit might be downgraded, but the drama? Perpetually AAA.

You want more of this slop? Here, eat up little piggy: US Cuts Chinese Tariffs By 115% Which Is Impossible Because You Can’t Have More Than 100 Out Of 100 It’s Just Simple Math

Following numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin, one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Bitcoin recently soared past a bullish $100,000 in recent months. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many.

Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) have already commented the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name with a bloody, bloody fight.

Analysts are divided on the potential impact of the ticker change. Some believe it could further boost Bitcoin’s image and attract new investors, while others warn that it might confuse the market and lead to unnecessary volatility. Oh, wait, I forget to put a joke in there. Erm… Ligma.

ATH Bitcoin — An artist’s rendition of what the new ATH coin might look like

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

But hey, let’s see what happens, watch this space!

For more bitcoin news, read this one: Trump To Make Bitcoin Official US Currency

‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. Long gone are the days when you could find a sweaty man in a cheap suit on the corner and he’d give you ten sure things for a cheeky kiss. Now, it’s all ‘online’ and ‘in the cloud’. ‘AI’.

But fear not! Because WSM is home of the sure thing, and we’ve got you covered with our top 6 investments for the week. Happy earning money!

6. Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bernie’s old news! This company’s dead in the water!’ But you’re an idiot, and I hate you. If Hollywood’s taught me anything, it’s that you can make so much money off a good reboot. So I say, let’s bring it back! Bernie had the most successful company of all time! He made off with billions! So let’s make it happen! Reboot, baby, it’s a sure thing!

5. Hot Dog Stands

Look, don’t be naive. We all know they’re a front. We all know there’s no way some greasy meat bucket that’s open every day through November in Philly is actually making any money. We all know it’s got to be a Ponzi. It’s just gotta be! Well, I say if you can’t beat ‘em, don’t beat ‘em! Get down there and ask politely if you can get in on that action. It’s a sure thing!

4. Beans

You might have heard of beans on the street, and well, they’re not just in momma’s hot bean chilli anymore. No, beans are in everything. Your morning coffee. On the feet of cats. On, fucking, idk, in bread? So, yes, it’s true they are on the up, and if you want a sure thing, real blue chip investment, you want to put it in Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. You got that? Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. Write it down. It’s not a Ponzi, I’m telling you, it’s a real investment. KMB. It’s my cousin’s. Real solid guy. Invest in it, I’m serious.

3. The Investment Portfolio of One Mr. Charles P. Bianchi!

He’s a stand-up guy. He’s got a straw boater. He’s got a cane. He’ll double your investment, guaranteed! Guaranteed! Why, for a nickel, I’d put all my finances in with this fine fellow. Yes, there’s a guy I would trust. That’s a real trustworthy wink he has there, yes, that’s where my daughter’s college fund should go! Mmhmm, give that man a kiss!

2. Money

We’re not talking about you’re floppy V-bucks here, we’re talking cold, hard fiat cash. Money. Isn’t money all just a Ponzi scheme? It moves around in circles, sometimes you see it, sometimes you don’t, it goes up, it goes down, and if we all pulled out, it would be toast. Yeah, I suggest putting your money in the oldest Ponzi in the world: money.

1. Yourself

Maybe the real Ponzi was looking back at you in the mirror this whole time? Maybe the real money is in you, baby. I believe in you, and you should too. I love you, buddy. I love you. Invest in yourself, kiddo. You’re a sure thing. (This is not financial advice)

For more financial advice, enjoy this lil ditty: Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker Inc. so I guess it’s more a foot thing, then.

Foot Locker stock soared 81% after the announcement, Dicks grew 11.2% and also their stock went up. (Ok, that’s not true, DKS stock went down, but the joke doesn’t work then, does it?)

Times have been tough for Dicks what with Trrrump’s tarrrifffs demanding that all Dicks be at least 146% smaller (not that anyone’s measuring) and it seems that merging the power of the Foots and the Dicks might be the only way forward in this hostile market.

This is the biggest deal ever made by Dicks. Buying 90% control in any foot, let alone the feet of Foot Locker, is pricey and is expected to be financed later in the year. $2.4 billion seems pricey, but that’s $24 per shoe! Bargain. Oh, wait, that’s per ‘share’, geez, I am really not on it today, I am sorry.

Foot Locker may be a smaller company, but has a larger presence than Dicks. Foot Locker has 2,400 stores across 20 countries, that’s countries outside America. This may mean we’ll get more Dicks in malls and even get some Dicks overseas.

And just to demonstrate Foot Locker’s brand power, when Donald Trump was asked which retail brand he preferred, the President replied, “Foot Lock-Her-Up!” An endorsement if ever I heard one.

Who’s to say whether this merger will pay off, not me, that’s for sure. But if consumers can now get their feet and their dicks under one roof? Well, then I’m all for it. Saves me making an extra trip that’s for su…

…Oh… hold on… I am just putting my finger to my ear as if someone’s talking to me… Yes, I am getting clarification that Dicks and Foot Locker DO NOT sell body parts. No, they sell ‘shoes’ and ‘sports equipment’. Ahhh. That makes way more sense. Ok, I am suddenly significantly less interested in this story now.

For more feet news, click here: Elon Musk Unveils Self-Driving Legs

President Donald Trump announced today a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar chip deal with Saudi Arabia, not for semiconductors, but for snack chips.

Speaking from a hastily assembled podium at the Saudi palace, flanked by gold-plated Dorito bags, Trump declared, “The Saudis wanted chips. We’ve got the best chips. Frito-Lay, tremendous company. Nobody does Cool Ranch like America does Cool Ranch.”

Trump: “How can I make this profitable for Frito-Lay?”

Confusion initially erupted on Wall Street, where early trading suggested the Saudis were investing in semiconductor factories. Nvidia surged, AMD shorted itself out of existence, and Elon Musk tweeted “I love chips” before clarifying he meant “AI ones, not the snack ones, though I do enjoy a good Flamin’ Hot.”

By the time it became clear that the “chips” were of the edible, artificially cheese-dusted variety, Frito-Lay stock had already moonwalked past its all-time high and into orbit. Analysts described the move as “Crunchflation,” a term invented by a CNBC intern live on air.

Saudi statement: “We were hungry.”

In an official statement, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman confirmed the deal, saying, “We were binge-watching Succession and realized our chip bowl was empty. It was a national emergency. Trump answered the call.”

The agreement includes exclusive access to experimental flavors previously deemed “too unstable” for public consumption, including “Sriracha Unicorn Dust” and “Freedom BBQ IV: Liberty Sauce.” Sources close to the deal claim the Prince personally requested “whatever the heck Taco Bell was on in 2017.”

Wall Street reacts with crumbs

The news left markets shell-shocked. Cheetos futures exploded. Tostitos coin briefly overtook Dogecoin in market cap before collapsing under the weight of its own salty optimism.

Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of U.S. lawmakers is calling for an emergency Snack Summit to regulate the snack-tech space. Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement reading, “Once again, billionaires are hoarding flavor while working Americans settle for plain kettle-cooked.”

Trump eyes expansion

When asked if this chip diplomacy might lead to further snack-based foreign policy deals, Trump smiled, revealing what may have been a single nacho shard in his teeth. “We’re in talks with North Korea. Kim loves Pringles. It’s gonna be huge.”

For more on this story, read here: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

President Donald Trump is in Saudi Arabia for his first overseas trip this term. “That’s an odd choice for your first diplomatic mission,” I hear you say, and you might be right, but as the great Buddha once said, “The mosquito favors the flesh, not the stone.”

Trump’s hitting up MBS for his bank, not his small talk, and you can too! With these simple tricks right out of the Trump playbook, you too will be walking away with that sweet, sweet Saudi cash in no time.

1. Quid Pro Quo

I don’t speak Latin, but I think it means something like ‘pro’s know you’ve got to do a ‘lil give and take’ and that’s exactly what Trump’s up to here. America needs money (who doesn’t?), and Saudi Arabia wants to diversify its economy. They’re investing trillions into various mega projects (remember NEOM? What the hell even was that?) and maybe, if we’re lucky, America might just be MBS’s next big plaything.

2. Make Your Presence a Present.

Trump is in Saudi Arabia, just a few months away from MBS’s 40th birthday (I too celebrate a few months early). Now this might not seem significant, but this way Trump can bring a ‘lil gift, say ‘haps to the b-town’, that kind of thing, and then suddenly the begging doesn’t seem like begging anymore.

3. Make Dealing An Art

Now, if you’ve read ‘The Art of the Deal’ like I haven’t, then you’d know that making a deal is an art. An art form, in fact, and Trump’s the Michelangelo of dealing. Not cards, mind you, but money deals. So I say go in with that kind of mindset. You’re not a business guy, you’re a painter. You’re an artist. You’re a visionary, and no one can question your vision.

4. Invite Your Buddies

There’s no reason why you can’t share the love, and if they want that Saudi dollar, they should get that Saudi dollar. Bring along Elon, bring along Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzmann, bring along BlackRock CEO Larry Fink, bring along Citigroup CEO Jane Fraser, bring along Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, bring along IBM CEO Arvind Krishna, bring along Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg, bring along Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, bring along OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, bring along Alphabet CIO Ruth Porat, bring along Bridgewater Associates founder Ray Dalio, bring along Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi and hey, bring along LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman, why not? There’s no way that will be overwhelming.

5. Make A Blood Sacrifice To The Starless God Aeyloshkhal

Now, personally, I do this before every business deal, business meeting and Zoom call with my mom and it gets results! It doesn’t have to be a goat or anything, it can be a small child, a rat maybe, but you have to give something up. You have to give something up. Aeyloshkhal will not accept a poor offering. You want Saudi money? You want joy? You want success? Remember that all comes from Aeyloshkhal and no other.

For more money making tips, read here: Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

The United States of America (US) and the United States of China (not us) have reached an agreement to deescalate the trade war and lower tariffs by 115%, which isn’t even possible, even I can tell you that.

In an agreement that was hashed out over the weekend, America first removed 100% of the tariffs so that there were no tariffs but then continued to remove another 15% of tariffs from tariffs that weren’t there.

A negative and a negative make a positive so by removing 15% from nothing, the US was adding 15% tariffs onto themselves and now has to pay 15% to China instead which China is very happy about.

No other economists have pointed this out and from all my research it seems like I’m the only one which is nuts because I was really bad at math in school and even I can work this out.

Supposed ‘real’ economists are saying that the tariff rate will now be at 30%, down from 145%. Now that’s still an insane number. 30% was a dramatic figure for every other country hit with it, it just seems small compared to a million, quizillion percent that it was at before.

In return for this kind kind agreement, China will reverse its tariff counter tariffs. This is only for 90 days but it’s a start at least.

All markets and the dollar are up after the news which is mad, it’s almost like the markets aren’t in favor of these tariffs. Cray cray.

Donald Trump commented on the agreement saying, “China, China, China, China-China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China! China, China, China, China, China, China. CHINA!!!”

So I think he’s pissed.

For more tariff news read this one too: UK First Country To Sign Trade Deal With US, Mostly About Beef For Some Reason

El Presidente Donald Trump has announced his plan to reopen San Francisco’s island prison of Alcatraz, but this time with just two inmates, disgraced crypto bro Sam Bankman-Fried and disgraced creepy bro, P. Diddy.

Reportedly, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried were sharing a jail cell in New York and hit it off. So well, in fact, that Trump now says, “It would be inhumane to separate them, you know, like guinea pigs.”

“I’m going to reopen the Rock and it’s going to be for the world’s toughest criminals, and I mean really mean guys. I’ve got two to start with. Diddy. SBF. We’ll put Epstein in there if we ever catch him. It’ll be like Arkham Asylum. But real. And more secure.”

Trump plans to reopen Alcatraz — Epstein Island 2.0?

Completely remodelling the former prison for just two inmates would seem cost-ineffective, but Trump has assured voters that it’s not.

“It’s just an idea I have and i guess because of these judges they want trials for every single one of these illegal immigrants in our country, it’s ridiculous, but Alcatraz has long been a symbol, I don’t know why, but it’s long been a symbol of law and order in our country and we’re going to think about that.”

Trump, “Sam Bankman-Not-Quite-So-Freed”

When Alcatraz closed in 1963 it was three times more expensive to run than any other prison. But that’s before they got dat Diddy money! *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* BrrrrrAPP-BRAP!! Yeah, they can afford it now fo sho. Fo sho!

Sure, they’d have to knock it down and start over but phhhffff, that’s worth the price to keep us all safe? Us all safe from Diddy (and SBF)? Heck, I’d pay the moon not to have him sneak into my room at night. Heck, I say ROCK HIM UP!

For more on this story, you can read this one too: SBF is Trading Mackerel in Prison

The United Kingdom of England (and the other ones) has become the first country to sign a trade agreement with us, the US.

A little bit of history for those that don’t know: Britain was once America’s closest ally and before that, they were America’s greatest enemy, and before that, they were America’s greatest ally. And as the old saying goes, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but my enemy/former ally is my former owner.”

A trade agreement between the two countries was thus only a matter of time. With Trump’s threatened tariffs, Britain was forced to the negotiating table, falling right into Trump’s tiny tiny hands.

Britain has announced that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to America’s demands. On the other hand, America feels that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to Britains demands. So, win win.

Among the details are that the US will remove tariffs on UK steel and aluminium (it’s spelt like that when it’s over there) and in return Britain has “agreed to reciprocal market access on beef”. What? I thought beef was exactly what we were trying to avoid?

So Trump’s traded cow for metal. It really is just like Catan.

As a result of the deal, markets are up across the board. Huh, it’s almost like global trade and cooperation are good for the economy…

There’s also a lot of other numbers but I couldn’t be bothered to read them all so you can look elsewhere for that.

No doubt other countries will now be lining up around the block to bend the knee to King Trump but whatever happens, China will remain firmly at the back of the line.

Anyways, that’s the news, hope you enjoyed, come back soon.

In a move that has taken things way too far, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell has been uninvited from Donald Trump’s “Annual Birthday Barbecue Fun Day”.

The decision comes amid escalating tensions between Powell and President Trump over interest rates, tariffs, and the appropriate ratio of coleslaw to pulled pork.

Jay Powell has remained steadfast against Trump’s polite requests to alter the inflation rate, but the president has been unable to fire the chair or conduct any meaningful punishment because of stupid things like ‘laws’.

Trump has been left with no choice but to hit Jay where it’ll hurt hardest: right in the ribs.

The BDAY-BBQ, a longstanding tradition aimed at fostering camaraderie among the nation’s top officials, will proceed without any camaraderie fostered with the Fed Chair. Attendees can expect the usual fare: grilled meats, patriotic playlists, and spirited debates over monetary policy, but now with one less dissenting voice.

However, the White House assured reporters that this is not retaliation, but merely because he brought a fruit salad last year, and that’s just not on.

“The President just wants to ensure a fun, relaxed atmosphere, and nothing kills the vibe like a Jerome Powell.”

Powell, known for his steadfast commitment to the Fed’s independence, has stayed silent on the matter. However, insider reports suggest he was seen at a local Whole Foods, purchasing a modest selection of artisanal cheeses and a single bottle of kombucha, perhaps signaling plans for a solo picnic.

When reached for comment about this, the White House simply stated, “We wish Chairman Powell all the best in his future culinary endeavors and nothing else.”

Onlookers have begged Trump to end the hostilities. “Things have gone way, way too far,” hyperventilated political pervert, Morris Causden. “I thought he’d done his worst when Trump called Powell ‘Mr. Too Slow’, but I had no idea he could stoop even lower. To uninvite someone from a barbecue? Who would do such a thing? I’m going to hurl.”

“Please end the war! Enough bloodshed!” Mr. Causden added once he had returned from the bathroom. “Can’t we all live in peace?!! AAHHHH!!!”

Well, that’s the news. You can go home now.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

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6. Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

5. Hot Dog Stands

4. Beans

3. The Investment Portfolio of One Mr. Charles P. Bianchi!

2. Money

1. Yourself

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