2025 | Wall Street Memes

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

For more coin news, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four people to replace “stupid” Fed Chair Jerome Powell. And whilst everyone was kept in suspense, bookies went wild with their predictions, SBF, Tiffany Fong, and Idris Elba ranked the top choices for the role.

But Trump played a curve ball and to everyone’s surprise but mine, picked nepo baby extraordinaire, Eric Trump, maybe the worst Trump, to head up maybe the most important role in the US’s economy.

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role.

He also enjoys skiing.

Eric Trump seems a great replacement considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does” according to Donald Trump. The insults can be added to a long list of barbs made in expense of the Fed Chair including, “Mr. Too Slow” and “Greasy Hair McGee”… that last one seems uncalled for.

Trump has also gone back and forth on whether he’ll replace the chair, suggesting a nice couch or maybe even an ottoman instead. As for the head of the Federal Reserve, he has continually threatened to replace Powell, but often walked back those statements and occasionally denied seeking his replacement.

Now he’s back on the offensive and as a result trust in the dollar is suffering, The news might mean that rate cuts are more likely. But who knows. Not me, don’t ask me.

For more news on this news, click here: Powell No Longer Invited To Trump’s Birthday BBQ

Mad Money host and cursed prophet of bad takes, James ‘Jim’ Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as investor of Big Short fame, Michael Burry for years.

The Scooby Doo reveal explains Burry’s notoriously bad take two years ago when he simply tweeted, “Sell.” Since Burry’s post, the S&P 500 is up 50% but it’s now clear that this must have been the work of Cramer all along.

Burry Sell Tweet — Note the impressive realism in Cramer’s mask

When reached for comment, the real Burry is said to have responded, “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!”

What exactly James Joseph Cramer was planning to accomplish with this Mission Impossible ruse will probably always remain a mystery, known only to the madness-riddled mind of Jim ‘The Joker of Wall Street’ Cramer.

Christian Bale is tipped to reprise his role as Michael Burry in the movie adaptation of this whole saga, and Louis C.K. has said he will come out of retirement to play Jim Cramer.

At the time, Burry admitted he was wrong with the Tweet that immediately preceded one of the market’s biggest rallies, commenting, “I was wrong to say sell.” It’s unclear if he meant morally wrong, or just incorrect.

Burry Your Dead

Ironically, Burry dubbed himself ‘Casandra’ on the platform after the prophet from Greek myths, blessed to always know the future but cursed to never have anyone believe her. This time, however, it was the other way around, and thankfully, no one listened to him.

J.J. Cramer, on the other hand, is less Casandra and more ‘big-bag-of-donkey-dicks-dra’, if you’ll excuse the pun. It’s been a long-running joke in the finance world that you should always bet against Cramer’s takes, to the point that there are Inverse Cramer funds that you can invest in and we have an entire ‘Cramer’ tab on this site.

But you probably knew all that, given that you’re here, reading this far into this article. I mean, if you didn’t know the joke already when you clicked on it, then what the hell are you doing? I guess you just like masks? Bit weird.

For more garbage finance news, click here: BREAKING: Jim Cramer Says “Banks Are Fine”, Market Prepares for Collapse

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal cryptocurrency, POWCOIN in order to cash in on recent bullishness around crypto.

Just yesterday, Powell spoke to Congress and said that banks are free to conduct crypto activities.

The Fed chair reaffirmed that, “Banks get to decide who their customers are, that’s not our decision. So banks are free to provide banking services to the crypto industry, crypto companies. Banks are also free to conduct crypto activities as long as they do so in a way that is protective of safety and soundness.”

Powell might be late to the bitcoin bandwagon, but he’s reportedly now all in on the crypto hype train. He added to his previous statement that, “Banks are also free to trade $POWCOIN which drops this week! It’s going to be massive so I suggest you get in on the groundfloor, baby! POW!”

Powell Bitcoin Announcement — An unedited photograph of Powell making the announcement

Those accusing Jay of selling out will note that he is in finance; selling out is practically a part of the job description.

Powell Announces Fed Coin

Doubling down, Powell also announced that the Federal Reserve will release a tie-in coin, FED COIN ($FED). Economists predict that within the next 6 years, FED COIN will replace the gold standard.

After phasing out cash, coins, notes, checks, credit cards, emeralds, IOUs and gentlemen’s agreements, the Fed hopes that FED COIN will soon become the only currency left and the only currency worth using.

Markets have reacted to the announcements with unusual excitement, still conflating all cryptocurrencies as one. Bitcoin boosted 14000% to reach a new all-time high. $GLOOBCOIN also reached a massive high, now worth the GDP of a small island nation for just one coin.

For more on this story, go outside, smell the air. Then come back and read this: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

The artist formerly known as Twitter, ‘X’, has decided to just make everything easier for everyone by pinning the phrase ‘WW3’ to the top of their trending bar.

As users have been quick to point out, whenever anything even mildly destabilising happens across the world, ‘World War 3’ quickly jumps to the top of X’s list of most-used phrases.

Now, given the abundance of conflict and uncertainty for the future, X forsees ‘WW3’ not leaving anyone’s lips for a while and has made the sensible decision to pin the phrase to the top of the bar.

“WW3 and World War 3 have been by far the most trending topic of 2025,” explained X CEO Elon Musk. “Just this past week, Iran broke their ceasefire and Russia declared war on Venezuela, so I think WW3 is going to stay relevant until, I guess WW3 actually does happen, then maybe people will stop talking about it.”

Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook have followed suit by creating an entirely new tab just for the highly popular ‘WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!’ content.

Mr. Merriam Webster, the guy in charge of the dictionary, also named World War III as his word of 2025, even though World War III is three words, idiot. This guy thinks he knows words? Phhff.

Guess what their word for 2024 was? It was brainrot. Yeah. And here we are.

But what do you think? Do you think WW3 is really going to happen? Don’t just say what everyone else is saying. Don’t look at his answer, no, no copying, come on, I want to hear what you think, honestly. With all your knowledge of history and geopolitics and the launch ranges of nuclear ICBMs, do you think a third world war is really on the cards?

If it is, do you think it would even look like those wars from a hundred years ago?

Is the idea of the end of the world really the next logical option, or is it just an unshakeable hangover from the fearmongering propaganda that saturated media throughout the 20th century?

Are you scared?

Does throwing your hands up and calling it over make you feel more assured in your understanding of the world?

Do you think we will ever find hope again?

…We hope you enjoyed this humorous article! For more laugh-out-loud fun, please click here: BREAKING: Yes, War Still Going On

President Donald Trump is tipped to be the first recipient of the newly created ‘Nobel War Prize’, following his attacks on an Iranian nuclear facility, potentially escalating a tense situation into full-scale war.

Whilst Trump had hoped to receive the Nobel Prize for peace, he is said to be happy with this alternative.

“It’s not what we wanted, but we’ll take it, sure,” said Trump when asked about his new accolade. “I mean, war is war, peace is peace, and either way, we’re the best at it. No one does war like America. We do it well, so well. I think they were right to give us this award. We are very good at it.”

Previously, President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for some reason, and Trump is said to have coveted the award since then, working hard to achieve peace in Korea, Russia, and Canada, all in an effort to one-up his former rival.

“Some say it’s better than the peace prize, though, I don’t know about that, but war’s harder, isn’t it? I would say war is harder, so I think it’s the harder prize to win.”

The Nobel Prize Organization will award Trump the accolade in November, if the world still exists by that point.

The organization’s official statement reads, “Donald J. Trump will be the first recipient of the Nobel War Prize 2025 for his extraordinary efforts to sow global distrust and escalate tensions between peoples.”

The award seems to be in direct response to Trump’s bunker-buster-bombing of Iran’s nuclear facilities, throwing the US headfirst into a conflict that former Presidents were desperate to stay out of. Iran has vowed retaliation, although probs not in the nuclear kind now, lol.

Mere days after the attack, Pakistan said that it would nominate Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize for helping to negotiate a ceasefire with India. Read the room, guys.

For more on this story, click here: Iran Frantically Reading Art Of The Deal Ahead Of Trump Negotiations

President Donald Trump has declared war on Jeff, citing Jeff’s potential ownership of up to ten nuclear weapons.

Who precisely Jeff is and why he personally owns so many nuclear weapons remains unclear, but analysts suggest that he might be none other than Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. Bezos has been famously stockpiling Blue Origin rockets any one of which could be of the nuclear variety, who’s to say?

Jeff nukes — Technically, we all have <10 nukes. I guess there were too many names to fit on the graph, though.

“I’ve always said,” explained Trump when questioned by reporters in the Oval Office, “No one should have more than one nuclear weapon, maybe two. And this Jeff guy, whoever he is, I don’t know the guy, but I don’t think he should have nukes.”

“China has nukes, we have nukes, but Jeff? He shouldn’t have nukes. Really nasty piece of work.” Trump then went on to explain that although he does not know who exactly this ‘nuclear Jeff’ is he has declared war on him and all other Jeffs just to be sure.

This war on all Jeffs would therefore include Jeffrey Bezos, Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Bridges, Jeffrey Joseph Canderston, and even my new neighbor Jeff, who, to be fair, could be harboring nukes in his basement. I just don’t trust that guy.

Trump has said the NSA has gathered the locations of all Jeffs, Jeffreys, and Geoffs, and he will launch a preemptive nuclear strike on every single Jeff on the planet. And then just to be sure, he’ll follow it up with a drone strike. Just to be sure. Seems reasonable.

Jeff 21 Jump Street — Readers are advised to avoid saying, “My name Jeff,” for the time being.

Experts familiar with Jeff, however, point out that Jeff is perhaps more likely referring to JEFF, the Joint Evaluated Fission and Fusion File. This refers to a data library on nuclear weapons kept by the OECD Nuclear Agency (NEA). Potentially, the data for CNN’s graph was mislabeled and misattributed around 10 nukes to JEFF.

The Jeff gaff was made over a year ago and was memed back then, but recently the joke recirculated on X due to Iran’s nuclear proliferation re-entering the news.

But are we going to believe that? No. I don’t trust a Jeff as far as I can throw one, so I say, let’s nuke ‘em. Just to be sure.

For more Jeff, click here: Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth

President Donald Trump has once again extended the deadline for TikTok to be sold to an American company, citing a backlog of videos deemed “certified bangers” that “the world needs to see.”

“We’re going to extend the ban. There won’t be a ban for now,” Trump explained to reporters aboard Air Force One. “I’ve got too many videos, great videos, beautiful videos, you’re going to love them, and they’re all backed up just waiting in my drafts folder.”

“I showed them to JD, and he loves them, and he says I have to post them. But I said, JD, I can’t post them, I have to ban this CHIna app, this app from CHIna. And he said you could just post them all now, and I said, but JD, you can post them all at once, you’ll get delisted, but he doesn’t know.”

“You have to stagger them, JD. He doesn’t know about the stagger. I invented that, the stagger, I call it. You have to post daily if you want traction. You have to have traction; it’s all about the traction. So I said OK, I’ll delay. I’ll extend the deadline. It’s done. And now you will all get to see these beautiful videos. And you’re going to love them.”

Insiders close to the president have suggested that Trump’s TikToks are predominantly AI-generated videos of Trump wrestling foreign leaders and videos of “little monsters made of fruit who enjoy eating goop and slime”.

Joe Biden signed into law the bill insisting the app be sold or banned and congress still remains in support of the ban, but they would, wouldn’t they because none of them have a killer drafts folder with some top-notch AI-goop-monster vids.

During Trump’s first term, the President was apparently anti the Tok but has since u-turned on that opinion after realising that there are voters on TikTok too.

Some analysts suggest that this is another example of TACO Trump and the ban could potentially be perpetually extended indefinitely forever.

If Trump wants to be popular he should ban Facebook. Go on, do it you coward.

Trump’s extension of the ban also gives @wallstmemesofficial time to get their content off the ground because it’s just gathering dust and I know, I’ll get round to it, I’ve just got a lot on my plate and I really need more time. I NEED MORE TIME!!!

For some probably-now-very-out-of-date jokes on this story, click here: TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

Reportedly, Iran is prepping for their upcoming negotiation with President Trump by frantically studying Trump’s 1987 business book, ‘The Art of the Deal’.

“There’s some really good stuff in there,” explained Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Hosseini Khamenei whilst desperately flicking through the pages. “I’m currently on the chapter about ‘hard selling’ and it’s really illuminating. They say if you want to know your enemies, you must think like your enemies.”

Iran’s plan is that by reading Trump’s ghost-written book, they will learn the insides and the outsides of Trump’s mind. By studying his techniques, Iran might know Trump’s weaknesses in order to manipulate him during negotiations towards evil.

On the other hand, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has been spotted bingeing old episodes of The Apprentice.

“There’s some really good stuff in there,” explained Netanyahu whilst desperately fast forwarding through the show. “I’m currently on the episode where Meat Loaf gets fired, and it’s really illuminating. They say if you want to know your friends, you must think like Meat Loaf.”

President Trump left the G7 summit in Canada early this week in order to return to Washington and deal with those meanies over in the Middle East.

Despite being a long-time ally with Israel, Trump’s primary allegiance is to American national interests, and with Israel continuing further and further into pariah state territory, it is unclear how long Trump and Bibi can remain besties.

But Trump never liked Iran for some reason and since he was a child has rallied against them gaining nuclear weapons. But then again he pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal so you know what, I don’t get it, it’s confusing, it’s complicated, and there are a lot of moving pieces.

Maybe studying the Art of the Deal is the best way to know what’s going on…

For more garbage, click here: Israel-Hezbollah Ceasefire Leaves Thousands Confused, ‘Which War Is Over?’

US Rep. (Rep) MTG (Marjorie Taylor Greene) has responded to accusations that she bought shares in Palantir just days before stocks surged from a $30m ICE contract in the biggest potential insider trade since Nancy Pelosi shorted the whole US economy.

“How could I be insider trading when I’m a political outsider?” Taylor is rumored to have said. “I’m not one of those Washington Fat Cats, so how dare you accuse me of being an insider when I have worked my entire life to make sure I am very much on the outside.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene Palantir Insider Trades Tweet — Rumors about the trades began on X in April and have since been confirmed

“They won’t even let me in the room for some meetings, I have to put my ear to the door if I want to listen. And at lunchtime, they won’t even let me sit at their table. I have to eat off the dirt outside like a dog. They say, ‘Marjorie, there are other tables, you don’t have to do that’, but they don’t know what it’s like to be a political outsider.”

Taylor Greene claims that she gave her financial advisor full control of her financial portfolio and that she only learned of the trades when the press reported on them.

“That’s how much of an outsider I am, I don’t even know what’s going on. I can barely do my job.”

Although Marjorie Taylor Greene sits on the House Committee on Homeland Security, she does not sit on the subcommittee that oversees ICE, she sits on the Subcommittee on Counterterrorism and Intelligence instead.

Although she did buy shares days prior to the massive contract that gave Palantir a 60% stock bump, it is unclear that she knew and acted upon any information that was not public. As the US Securities Exchange Act of 1934 states, trading on potentially market-moving info that hasn’t been made public is illegal, but this might just be a big coincidence.

Here’s MTG’s full statement below:

“After many successful years of running my own business, I ran for Congress to bring that mindset to Washington. Now that I’m proudly serving the people of Northwest Georgia, I have signed a fiduciary agreement to allow my financial advisor to control my investments. All of my investments are reported with full transparency. I refuse to hide my stock trades in a blind trust like many others do. I learned about my Palantir trades when I saw it in the media.”

For more on this story, click somewhere else. For a different story, click here: Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

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