2025 | Wall Street Memes

Google Accidentally Declares War on Non-Custodial Wallets, Then Says “Oops”

In what experts are calling “the biggest digital whoopsie since someone hit reply-all in 2009,” Google accidentally outlawed non-custodial crypto wallets on the Play Store then swore they didn’t mean it.

The Great Wallet Panic of 2025

It all began on July 10, when Google quietly updated its Play Store policies. Unfortunately, that “quiet” was short-lived once people read the fine print. The update implied that any crypto wallet, custodial or not, would need to be licensed like a bank in 15 countries, including the U.S., the UK, and Canada.

This was the bureaucratic equivalent of telling every lemonade stand in America to get FDA approval, a liquor license, and an MBA.

Crypto Community Reacts

Within hours, crypto lawyers, privacy advocates, and armchair Twitter economists were describing the policy as everything from “regulation by monopoly” to “a quiet coup on crypto.” One particularly dramatic post simply read: “Google = The Final Boss.”

Some users began frantically moving their coins to hardware wallets, while others downloaded Farm Goat Simulator 2023 just to see if it would still work before the entire Play Store collapsed into chaos.

Google’s Official Response: “Our Bad”

By Wednesday, the backlash had reached DEFCON-Meme. Google finally responded on X with the corporate equivalent of an embarrassed shrug:

“Thanks for flagging this. Non-custodial wallets are not in scope. We’ll update the Help Center to make this clear.”

Translated from PR-speak: “We were never banning them. We just wrote it in a way that made it look like we were banning them. Which is… technically… our fault.”

Why It Mattered

For the uninitiated, custodial wallets are like keeping your money in a bank, except the “bank” is a crypto exchange that might collapse at any moment. Non-custodial wallets, on the other hand, let you hold your own keys, meaning if you lose them, that’s entirely your problem.

FinCEN doesn’t consider non-custodial wallets to be banks or money services businesses, which is why Google’s “all wallets must be licensed” policy made exactly zero legal sense.

Crisis Averted (For Now)

After a flurry of headlines, frantic tweets, and at least one think-piece titled “Google’s Policy is Proof the Cypherpunk Dream is Dead,” Google promised to fix the wording and restore peace to the crypto galaxy.

At press time, non-custodial wallet developers were cautiously celebrating, though many admitted they’ll be reading Google’s next policy update with the same paranoia normally reserved for haunted houses and NFT roadmaps.

For more Google news, click here: Google Simultaneously Unveils And Doesn’t Unveil Quantum Chip

Bitcoin has hit another record high shortly following its previous record high of “very high”. BTC topped out at 124, and Ether also saw massive gains; however, my own personal bank account did not.

Part of the reason for the boost is increased faith that the Fed will soon cut interest rates, continued buying, boosts from Trump, and me personally not buying any (I’m just bad luck that way).

Now, following these numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin (no relation), one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Maurice might have a point. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many. Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin.

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporeal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has already commented on the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name without a bloody, bloody fight.

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

For more on this story, click here: Bitcoin Hits $123,000 ATH: Five Things You Can Buy With One $BTC

Well, folks, the S&P 500 just printed yet another all-time high. Again. And it’s all thanks to “Biden’s Economy.”

Now, you might be asking: “How?!” or “Should I sell?” or “Why does my portfolio still look like it got margin-called by a raccoon with a Robinhood account?” Fear not, because we’ve got answers that definitely weren’t churned out by an AI in four seconds. [It’s fine, it still counts as human writing if I edit it.] So, without further ado, here are the five totes legit, 100% not-made-up reasons the market is going parabolic.

1. Jerome Powell’s New Side Hustle: Professional Market Hype Man

The Fed Chair has apparently decided interest rates are “so last season” and has pivoted to full-time meme stock promoter. Every time Powell opens his mouth now, the market hears “free tendies forever”, even when he’s just ordering lunch.

[Yeah, nice, you got the word ‘tendies’ in there and that’s a joke because recognition is funny. Powell’s good meme fodder, but I’m not sure the angle’s right here since Powell’s kind of doing the opposite?]

2. AI Is Going to Do Everything, Including Inflate Your 401(k)

Analysts have decided AI will not only take everyone’s jobs, but also single-handedly solve GDP, climate change, and your dating life. Wall Street’s official AI price target is now “infinity,” and every CEO is legally required to say “AI” at least four times per earnings call.

[See, this just seems a bit self-serving and like you’ve got a hidden agenda here. …Do you have a hidden agenda?]

3. Retail Traders Have Finally Achieved Nirvana

After years of YOLOing into garbage penny stocks and crypto rug pulls, retail has decided, “Hey, maybe I’ll just buy the index and chill.” This newfound zen has confused hedge funds into buying everything in sight to figure out what the peasants are up to.

[Sure.]

4. Corporate Buybacks Are on PEDs

Forget steroids in baseball, the real performance-enhancing drugs are whatever corporations are using to fuel buybacks right now. CFOs are out here deleting shares faster than Reddit deletes bad DD, and apparently the only thing they can’t buy back is their dignity.

[Look, there you go again, this is less a joke and more a list of things that people will recognize. Needs a rework, please.]

5. We’re All Pretending the Economy Is Fine

Mass layoffs? Sky-high rents? A used Honda Civic costing more than your college tuition? Don’t worry about it. The collective market strategy is to close our eyes, hum “stonks only go up,” and hope the music never stops.

[Yeah, this just isn’t it, Geept. I think let’s rework this and come back to EOD with something funnier, smarter, and altogether more human, please.]

So, will the S&P 500 keep ripping higher? Absolutely. Will it eventually crash? Also absolutely. But until then, grab your diamond hands, load up on index ETFs, and remember: the only real ATH is the friends we made along the way.

[Hello? Are you even listening to me? I said I need this edited, please. …Wait, how does this thing even work??]

For more conversations inside my head, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

In a move that might just destroy the entire global economy, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent has demanded that the Fed cut the inflation rate by one billion base points.

In an interview with Bloomberg today, Bessent said, “I think we could go into a series of rate cuts here, starting with a 50 basis point cut in September. If you look at any model, we should probably be 150, 175 basis points lower.” Bessent continued to say off camera in a low whisper just to me, “Actually, I think it should be more like one TRILLION!”

Inflation rates stayed steady at 2.7% in July, but Trump, Bessent, and the rest of the White House want that to be at least 1.5% to 1quadrillion% lower than that.

Following data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Bessent said they could have cut rates in June and July but didn’t. Jay Powell looking extra sweaty rn.

In the same interview, Bessent said that Trump’s unprecedented tax, sorry, ‘bribe’, sorry ‘revenue-share’ of 15% of Nvidia and AMD Chinese chip exports could be expended to other sectors. “I think we could see it in other industries over time. I think right now this is unique, but now that we have the model and the beta test, why not expand it?” …because you’ve not tested it yet, Scott.

Anyway, that’s about all there is on this news story today, but I’ve still got a word count to hit so let’s see what’s trending on X… #TrumpEpsteinFiles, #TrumpisontheEpsteinList, #Trumpstein, oh, ok, so nothing new then.

Back to work, people!

For more news like this, click here: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements

The President (Donald Trump) has UNLEASHED the National Guard on our nation’s capital, Washington, D.C. (Detective Comics). In what many are calling January 6th mark two (January 7th if you will), Trump has pledged a crackdown on crime, homelessness, homeless crime, and criminal homeless people.

Trump has pledged a “public safety emergency” and sent 800 National Guard, hundreds of feds, and two kids with BB guns out over the weekend, even though crime is significantly down.

The real goddamn thing, though, is that big balls got carjacked. I’m not kidding, though. I feel like Trump wasn’t on this until big balls got carjacked. I’M NOT KIDDING! Big Balls™ was that 19-year-old former DOGE employee, and either he got carjacked or he defended a woman from getting carjacked, and he got beaten up bad, and there were pictures, and Trump spoke out about about, and now he’s all over this crime crackdown.

Like this is how it works, right? If you move into a new street and you hear it’s safe, but your first night someone gets shot on that street, you’re going to think it’s unsafe. Even if that’s the only crime that’s ever happened there and ever will, you’re going to feel it’s unsafe. Idk, what’s the word, there’s a word for it, where you just take one data point and extrapolate it for everywhere.

Yeah, Washington is pretty crimey, I’m sure, but Trump only got on this after this one attack, which isn’t emblematic of the whole city.

And that’s not even to say if the National Guard is actually going to solve crime idk, I don’t know nothing, but I feel like the strongarming stuff isn’t going to solve crime overnight, I feel like it’s more complicated. It’s just for the visuals, right? Looks like he’s doing something, right? We all see that, right?

It’s a flashy headline that makes him look strong and proactive, and then everyone reports on it and gives him a spotlight and buries the stories that make him look bad. Oh, shit, I’m writing about it. Damnit got duped again!

Darn you, Trump! *shakes fist politely*

For more Trump-dumps, read this one: Trump Successfully Blackmailed The EU, Here’s How He Did It

Donald “The President” Trump has reportedly hidden the official portraits of previous presidents, Barack Obama, George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush in an obscure staircase in the White House and replaced them with mirrors.

“The President thought the portraits were misleading,” explained Corniss Portiss, chairman of the official White House picture hanging committee. “He feared that guests, visitors and visitants alike would misunderstand that these were the current presidents.”

“Mr. Trump then suggested they replace all the portraits with pictures of himself. After it was explained to him that we were unable to hang the same picture multiple times, he pointed to one wall and said, ‘What about that picture of me? That’s different.’ Even though we told him that that was a mirror, he insisted that it was perfect.”

Reportedly, staff were then instructed to hang mirrors instead of the previous presidents’ portraits. It is unclear if the mirrors have any connection to the cursed mirror Joe Biden left in the White House attic for Trump to find.

“Now every wall has a mirror on it, and Mr. Trump is very happy that he can see himself in every frame.”

The moved portraits now reside at the top of the Grand Staircase leading to the White House residence, an area only used by a few staff and Obama when he wants to visit his portrait.

The location of Biden’s portrait was not given, but some suggest it currently hangs on the ceiling above Trump’s bed.

This change is just one of many Trumpifications that have been conducted at the house. Most include gilding everything, paving over rose gardens, or just generally making it all a bit more, how do I put this politely… ‘Trump’.

For more decorating tips, click here: Trump Slashes Social Security to Fund Diamond Hands Statue

Microchip manufacturers Nvidia and AMD have agreed to give 15% of Chinese chip sales to the US government in a move that isn’t a tax or tariff but some secret third thing that definitely isn’t a bribe.

Previously, America banned the companies from selling powerful chips to China in an effort to curb their AI development (not that it really stopped them). Experts cited Nvidia’s H20 chip in particular as an accelerator of China’s AI capabilities and banned sales of the chip even though it was created specifically for the Chinese market.

But APPARENTLY, all it took was a cool 15% to make the government look the other way about those security concerns and allow H20 chip sales again. What are we doing here?

Nvidia stonks — Live footage from inside Nvidia HQ

AMD made the same deal for its MI308 chip. Good for them.

The move follows Nvidia CEO, Jensen Huang’s intense lobbying, including a meeting with Trump last week. FUCK! I got so far in this article without mentioning him. Damnit, I was doing so well!!

OK, Deborah Elms from the Hinrich Foundation (yeah, I don’t know either) put it really well, “You either have a national security problem or you don’t If you have a 15% payment, it doesn’t somehow eliminate the national security issue.” Oh, yeah, that’s well put. It seems that things are true until the kickback cheque cashes.

This cooling of trade tensions between China and America is part of a growing trade peace between the two superpowers. We got a 90-tariff-truce, a minerals agreement, and an agreement that Walt Disney would no longer produce any more Winnie the Pooh movies.

Whether this peace will last, only time and nuclear war will tell.

For more on this story, read this one: Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

After the White House said South Park, “Hasn’t been relevant for over 20 years,” both Vice President JD Vance and ICE posted stills from the controversial show ’s latest episode on X, seemingly without a drop of self-awareness.

ICE added a link to apply for a job beside a picture of the cartoon ICE agents who, in the show, go on to raid heaven and arrest all the Hispanic angels.

JD Vance, in a similar display of tone-deafness, captioned a picture of himself South-Park-ised-into-the-henchman-Nick-Nack-from-The-Man-With-The-Golden-Gun-but-with-the-face-of-the-baby-JD-Vance-meme saying “Well, I finally made it.”

It’s unclear whether either ICE or Vance have seen the episode in which both are ruthlessly mocked and criticised, but it’s possible that they have and don’t care. Either way, playing along with the joke seems in far better spirits than just saying:

“The Left’s hypocrisy truly has no end – for years they have come after ‘South Park’ for what they labeled as ‘offense’ content, but suddenly they are praising the show. Just like the creators of ‘South Park,’ the Left has no authentic or original content, which is why their popularity continues to hit record lows.” …like what the White House did.

“President Trump has delivered on more promises in just six months than any other president in our country’s history – and no fourth-rate show can derail President Trump’s hot streak.”

Like, ew, that’s just cringe. Was there ever a possibility that a cartoon could derail the President? Because no one thinks that until you deny it’s possible. They said you had a small penis, bro, I get told that all the time by my wife but do you see me crying about it to major news organisations? Yes. But have they responded to my emails? No. So get over yourself.

It makes you look thin-skinned, is my point. Man up and play along like JD Vance or ICE… oh god, did I just compliment ICE?

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone responded to the initial criticism from the White House by saying, “We’re terribly sorry.” And in response to the latest episode’s response, quote-X-ed the ICE X-post with, “Wait, so we ARE relevant? #eatabagofdicks.”

The episode also takes pop shots at Homeland Security Chief Head, Kristi Neomoe who is seen in a recurring gag taking pop shots at small dogs in probably the funniest joke in the episode. I didn’t need to mention that, I just thought it was funny.

Idk, guy, I enjoyed it and as a man with a small penis, that takes a lot of bravery to come out and say.

For more JD Vance news (because I know that’s the only reason you’re here), click on this: JD Vance Pleads Not Guilty To Pope Murder

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman just tweeted out a picture of the Death Star ominously looming over the horizon without any caption or explanation.

Could this mean he’s secretly building a Death Star? Well, what else could it mean?

Altman has long since implied that he would like to see the destruction of the Republic and have the US Military replaced by a standing army of ChatGPT-powered Clone Troopers. Unfortunately for Altman, the order of Jedi Knights has stood as protectors of peace throughout the galaxy and so building anything close to a Death Star would require some elaborate coup in which you feign a military crisis in order to build up a military strong enough to take on the jedi then fake your own assassination attempt by the jedi so you can accuse them of treason and wipe them out in one fell swoop. THEN you can build your Death Star.

Ex-Twitter users curious about the meaning of the post (which has over 2 million views) have all commented below Altman’s pic, “@grok WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” great, super helpful, thanks Elon again for making this app completely unusable.

Could he be heralding a new version of ChatGPT that comes with a giant laser? DeathStarGPT?

Maybe he’s just hyped about his latest mega valuation?

Perhaps this is all a distraction away from what he’s REALLY building, which is a giant Voltron robot (click here for more on that).

Or, heck, maybe he just likes the picture.

Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough, just hopefully not by being obliterated by a giant orbital death laser.

Altman's deathstarGPT will come for us all — “I wish I’d said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to ChatGPT…”

For more news, read this one too: BREAKING NEWS: There Is No News

Today’s the day! It’s finally here! President Donald Trump confirmed on Truth Social that the extended extended extended deadline for trade deals to be made has expired and the tariffs are now in place which maybe explains why my jeggings are just showing as ‘out for delivery’ even though they should have arrived by 3-5pm yesterday.

Trump has also said that he may put a 100% tariff on computer chips made overseas but that doesn’t affect my jeggings because they don’t have chips in them that I know of.

Similarly, POTUS hit India with a 50% tariff unless they stopped buying Russian oil which means I guess these are sanctions not tariffs. Maybe that’s what they always were. My jeggings were made in India, it said so that might explain the delay. Are they made with Russian oil??!

Although Asian manufacturing hubs are perhaps the hardest hit by the tariffs, their stock markets don’t seem to have cared with some markets even up . If anything there is some relief in the air that hopefully things can settle down, the tariffs are in place and not a big-fat-constantly-changing maybe, now people can adjust.

Maybe I can get the jeggings from China instead? Hold on, I’ll look.

The EU, UK, Japan, South Korea and Texas are among the countries who cemented more favorable deals with the Trumpinator before the deadline but some locales are still looking to come to the table with Switerzerland eager to lower their rates set at 39%, one of the highest for any country. It’s fine though, they don’t make jeggings anyways.

Mexico too in the middle of negotiations and has a tariff pause which really makes you wonder, how dead is a deadline? And if it can be ignored, WHY WASN’T IT IGNORED TO LET MY JEGGINGS THROUGH?!

OK, just to be sure, I’ve ordered one set of jeggings from every country in the world. We’ll see which pair arrives first as a TEST of this new tariff system and I’ll get back to you.

UPDATE: None of the jeggings have arrived and I am now bankrupt. The global trade network is doomed, DOOMED I TELL YOU!!

For more calming voices as you sleep, click here: Trump Successfully Blackmailed The EU, Here’s How He Did It

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