Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Still licking its wounds after receiving a €2.4 billion fine from the EU’s Court of Justice for illegally ranking its products higher in search results, Google’s parent company, Alphabet Inc., has sought to reaffirm its dominance by filing a lawsuit against Merriam-Webster for use of their intellectual property, ‘the alphabet’.

Google’s lawsuit reads: “Despite repeated contact to cease and desist, the defendant, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, has continued to use 26 unlicensed products that remain the sole intellectual property of Alphabet Incorporated.”

The filing provides further evidence of supposed wrongdoing including an attached document, ‘Exhibit A’, which was just a picture of the letter ‘A’.

In a statement from Merriam-Webster, the dictionary people responded, “Alphabet’s ill-conceived and fallacious assertion of transgression is both minacious and belligerent!”

Google has sought to cast itself as the victim claiming unrealized loses of, coincidentally, €2.4 billion, and has fought back against Merriam-Webster’s citation of numerous legal precedents to have the case dropped. “They really threw the book at us,” said Google spokesperson, Tim Ternet, “And it really hurt, have seen how thick that thing is? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can kill a guy! Anyway, what was I saying? Sorry, I’m real tired… Oh, yeah, so we have the right to defend our property, they can’t have a monopoly, that’s our job. Look, it’s their word against ours and who even uses a dictionary anyway? I know if I need a word I just Bing it.”

If the lawsuit goes ahead, experts speculate that Alphabet might settle out of court for custody of ‘s’, ‘z’, ‘b’, ‘r’ and ‘x’, the so-called ‘cool letters’, meaning the dictionary would be forced to rebrand itself as ‘Meiam-Wete’ and popular words such as ‘suet’, ‘rhizobium’ and ‘xerophthalmia’ will no longer feature.

Merriam-Webster has announced plans to counter-sue for Google’s supposed infringement of terms featured in their dictionary, such as “search”, “I’m feeling lucky” and “Did you mean: why do I have eyebrows on my knees? No results could be found containing whydoihave i brows on my news???!! PLZ HELLALAPPPMEEEE!!!”

In other news, Facebook has announced a lawsuit against New York University for 861 uses of their trademarked word ‘Meta’ in their ‘Introduction to Metaphysics’ course. Not to be outdone, insider sources at Apple have reported that early conversations have begun regarding the possibility of suing Granny Smith.

They’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the pets, everybody’s getting their fill of our furry friends and now you can too with our top five simple and affordable recipes!

1. Dog Food

Dog food is not food made from dogs but food for dogs and that’s a great relief! As a dog owner myself I felt uncomfortable Googling different ways to cook and eat an animal as kind and as loving as my baby Oscar! Thankfully, the first thing I received when I searched ‘dog recipes’ was food for dogs and an angry email from PETA. So plain-old, regular ‘dog food’ gets the number one spot on our list!

Step One: Take a can (or pouch) of dog food.

Step Two: Dispense the food into your pet’s dog bowl.

Step Three: Sit back and watch your bow-wow chow down!

2. Food Made of Dogs

For the second spot on our list, I threw up in my mouth a little bit! Not to be confused with ‘dog food’, food made of dogs is any dish where a dog is the main ingredient.

Over 40,000 years of selective breeding have turned dogs into loyal companions and earned them a place among our social relationships normally reserved for other humans! This is why many people will have an involuntary disgust towards eating a dog but not when eating other mammals of a similar size or emotional intelligence. Consuming a dog is considered taboo in many cultures!

Step One: Try not to cry as you raise the gun to Oscar’s innocent little face.

Step Two: Try not to cry as you cook your best friend in a delicious pie.

Step Three: Try not to cry as you pretend you’re eating something else and not the one creature that’s always been there for you all for some stupid listicle.

3. Food Made of Cats

Yeah, you can eat a cat, screw cats.

Step One: Kill the cat.

Step Two: Cook the cat however you want, doesn’t matter it won’t taste good anyway.

Step Three: Eat the cat! Tastes like stringy chicken doesn’t it? I know, crazy!

4. Duck Confit with Cherry Sauce and Grilled Asparagus

Alright, this one’s fine. Ducks are socially acceptable to eat. Was the problem that the ducks were supposedly stolen from parks? Is stealing the problem with this one?

Step One: Don’t steal a duck from a park.

Step Two: Buy a duck from a supermarket, marinate overnight, preheat the oven on low, and cook for three hours. Prepare the asparagus and grill with butter and garlic. Remove the duck and use the melted butter as a glaze before returning the duck to roast for 20 minutes until golden.

Step Three: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine!

5. Panique Morale à la Election Cycle

Wait, it’s not even true? You’re saying I killed and ate Oscar for a lie? OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

Our final recipe is less about cooking pets and more about cooking the idea of cooking pets in people’s minds, so shut up it still counts.

Step One: Find an old urban legend that promotes your agenda. In this case, curtailing immigration is a key campaign policy so any story that stokes a fear of immigrants would be delicious.

Step Two: The easiest way to ‘other’ a group is to make them social pariors. The more extreme the taboo the more extreme the ‘othering’. The more controversial, the more people will talk about it. Haitians are eating pets? Excellent choice, sir.

Step Three: Promote the lie and let it spread. People will welcome anything that enforces a previously held belief and often have a low threshold for what constitutes concrete evidence. Second-hand testimonials and unrelated videos might not be persuasive on their own, but together, well it’s undeniable, isn’t it?

Step Four: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine. Bon appétit!

Sparked by a recent hoax claiming Haitian migrants in Ohio are capturing and eating household pets and local wildlife, Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s photoshoot with a goose and a kitten this morning ended in bloodshed.

Beginning as an unsubstantiated rumor on X, campaigners were quick to frame Trump as the candidate to protect animals from their natural enemy: foreigners. This spawned a trend in which users generated AI images of Trump hugging ducks, a meme the former president appeared to endorse when he changed his X handle to ‘Donald Duck’.

Seeking to recreate the meme IRL, Trump staged a photo shoot this morning in which he cradled a kitten and an initially docile goose. However, when the former president lent in for a kiss, the goose proceeded to hiss and attack the Republican party’s nominated candidate for the position of President of the United States of America.

Experts analyzing the incident now claim that had Trump not turned his head at the last moment, he might be dead. Instead, the goose only managed a little nibble at the businessman-turned-president, removing most of his left ear.

The ex-president/ex-businessman jumped away from the bird and only narrowly escaped with what little of his lobe was left. Using his quick wit and ingenuity, Trump threw the kitten as a distraction for the bloodthirsty goose to feast upon. The Secret Service sprang into action and after a mere 20 minutes, snipers had shot and killed the goose until it was dead and not breathing, protecting the presidential hopeful from losing another appendage.

SURPRISE BIRD FACT: geese are technically also birds.

Goose handlers were on hand to handle anything getting out of hand however they held up their hands and said, “It was out of our hands,” when approached for comment. Donald J. Trump Sr. laughed off the incident, spluttering through a mouthful of blood, “Wow, this bird is seriously dangerous but beautiful. I’ll never eat another goose so long as I live.”

This marks the third time Trump has been publicly attacked by a bird following a bald eagle in 2015 and Nancy Pelosi in 2024.

Trump has since changed his X user handle back to ‘Donald Jeff Trump’.

Former President Donald Trump won a landslide victory over his debate partner, “the mania-induced hallucination of Joe Biden” in their first televised debate.

Although Trump was scheduled to spar against the current Vice President, Kamala Harris, Trump insisted throughout the night that he was in fact witnessing the hazy apparition of the current President and therefore won.

As the debate began, Harris approached Trump for a handshake but the Republican nominee seemed reticent and walked behind his podium. Psychologist and amateur paranormal investigator Dr. Ellen Shpochman has since explained that “The handshake was the moment when the dissonance between his mind and his vision became too extreme and Trump’s brain formed an illusion of Joe Biden to prevent further mental anguish. You will note that Kamala introduces herself but Trump does not, clearly busy reconciling her words with what he wants to hear.”

To Trump’s great advantage, the pulsing Biden-shaped light was an unskilled debater and would only respond to the moderators’ questions with unintelligible moans, much like the real Joe Biden. Trump was able to mock Biden’s economic plan of “four sentences”, label him guilty in his “documents case” and criticize him for approving the Nord Stream 2 pipeline, all points to which the indistinct Biden-like blur offered no rebuttal.

Gradually, however, the illusion began to fade and Biden’s ethereal face slipped into the nether world revealing briefly the vision of Kamala Harris. But Trump, still haunted by the Ghost of Presidents Present could only repeat, “She is Biden… She is Biden!” To which Harris replied, “Clearly I am not Joe Biden.”

As the multicolored kaleidoscope of Biden-ness seemed to leave the debate stage, it was apparent that Trump would lose his advantage. Once again at odds with reality, Trump lamented Biden’s fading specter, “Where is our president?” he cried of the vision, “We don’t even know if he’s a president.” And then, in a moment of touching empathy for his former rival, “They threw him out of a campaign like a dog,” Trump mourned and in realization whispered, “We have a president that doesn’t know he’s alive.”

This moment of concern, like a teardrop awakening a sleeping princess, was powerful enough to restore the Biden hallucination and Trump was back in the debate. Throwing zinger after zinger, Trump accused the fragmented memory of Biden and the hallucination of his son (who had also materialized on stage) of taking money from China and Ukraine and in the final sentence of his closing argument called him, “the worst president in the history of our country.”

Shadow-Biden pulsed silently for a moment then said inexplicably, “Tomorrow I’m doing 9/11” before fading out of reality. Trump left the debate stage the clear winner with a final score of 32 to 1.

Insiders at ChatGPT creator OpenAI say the company has begun talks to raise $6.5 billion from investors, the final push needed to create non-evil artificial intelligence.

In a statement, OpenAI has suggested that creating a ‘good’ AI costs exactly $6.5 billion and 46 cents whereas ‘evil’ AI has a lower price tag of $6.1 billion and a nickel.

“We can make an evil one, sure, yeah, that’s easy. A good one though, you’ll have to pay up for that,” said OpenAI spokesman and part-time ethicist, Jim Morales. “Just how it is on the streets, if you want morality, it’s gonna cost you extra… $0.4 billion extra. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

Thrive Capital, Microsoft, Apple, and Nvidia are all said to be rushing to invest and delay the impending robo-pocalypse but whether they will raise the funds to make a moral AI or come up just a penny short and damn us all to complete annihilation at the cold, merciless hand of an uncaring machine hellbent on the complete and utter destruction of the human species, remains to be seen.

This new funding round would put the company’s valuation at $150 billion. Coincidentally when asked, ‘What is OpenAI worth?’ ChatGPT responded, “Well, shucks, that’s a mighty fine question there pardner! I’d be obliged to value that swell company at around one-hundred-fifty-smackeroos!” OpenAI declined to comment on ChatGPT’s new ‘Ol-Timey Prospector Mode’.

The new valuation will make OpenAI one of the most highly valued start-ups ever, closely trailing Elon Musk’s SpaceX, although not literally, rockets move faster. The rise to a $150 billion valuation is a significant increase from the company’s $86 billion worth at the start of the year.

“Well, yeah, because we’re the front line against the Borg!” responded Jim Morales who we thought had left. “Look. The thing is we were kidding the first time around. What we made were large language models and just called them artificial intelligence because it sounded cool but they’re only really intelligent as much as a parrot really thinks you’re a pretty boy then. The real AI is coming and baby it is scary. I can see one around the corner now, big shiny Schwarzenegger-type fella, he’s gonna getcha! Quick, money, quick, quick. You wanna get got, do ya, DO YA!?”

Whether OpenAI can prevent AI-mageddon with more AI remains to be seen but our thoughts and prayers go out to the $150 billion company in its time of need.

Following the DEA’s recent ruling, pharmacies across Georgia have begun selling a curious new product labeled “Oregano.” This move comes after the DEA firmly stated that the sale of marijuana by these establishments was not permitted. However, local pharmacies seem to have found a loophole, as the ‘Oregano’ being sold is suspiciously similar to marijuana, but of course, purely for culinary purposes.

The organic “Oregano” is hitting the shelves at a price point that remarkably matches what one would typically pay for marijuana. Packaged in individually sealed bags to preserve freshness, or for the more environmentally conscious, in paper-wrapped single servings that bear an uncanny resemblance to a certain type of rolled cigarette, this ‘Oregano’ is raising more than a few eyebrows.

One enthusiastic local pharmacist extolled the virtues of their newest product, “This Oregano is fantastic for cooking, especially if you’re into smoking – meats, obviously. It’s also great for those struggling with chronic pain and arthritis.” Eyebrows were raised at the mention of smoking, but the pharmacist assured it was all in the context of culinary endeavors.

Despite the high quality of this ‘Oregano,’ not all residents are thrilled. Complaints about the strong, distinctive smell have been wafting in, much to the chagrin of those with a less refined palate. On the other hand, active consumers of the product are over the moon, praising its exceptional taste and purported health benefits. Efforts to obtain a comment from one regular user were futile, as they were deeply engrossed in a game of hacky sack, a common pastime among ‘Oregano’ aficionados.

As Georgia’s pharmacies continue to roll out this premium “Oregano,” the line between culinary spice and recreational herb blurs. In the meantime, the DEA has yet to comment on this innovative workaround, possibly busy updating their spice racks.

Tax amnesia seems to be running in the first family as latest reports have exposed Ashley Biden owing thousands in income taxes.

In doing so, the daughter of the US president has joined her brother, Hunter Biden, who is supposed to pay at least $1.4 million for years 2016 through 2019.

After all, the Biden family is known for their heartwarming tales of unity and love. But, the charming display of sibling rivalry comes with not-so-much of a competition as Ashley opted for a more modest sum of $5,000.

In the parallel storyline of her brother, Hunter is the trailblazer in the family, especially when it comes to money matters. He is the reigning champion with his high-profile tax escapades setting a rather lofty standard.

Ashley’s approach, on the other hand, revolves around the subtle art of oversight. Where Hunter’s tax narrative reads like a thrilling novel, Ashley’s is more of a short story.

“It’s all about baby steps for Ashley. Why go big on tax evasion when you can start small and work your way up?”commented a family advisor who wishes to remain anonymous.

In a family where dinner table conversations should presumably revolve around tax fairness and fiscal responsibility, the Bidens would rather be laughing at the ones paying taxes.

Sources close to the family say that Ashley might have misunderstood her father’s speeches on tax evasion as ‘family advice’ rather than political rhetoric.

With a professional background in social work and activism, one can only wonder how she ended up in the midst of a tax oversight saga.

Perhaps Ashley is just trying to empathize with the common Americans’ struggle with tax codes. Or maybe she is bringing forth a new “Do As We Say, Not As We Do” policy.

Whatever is the case, the sibling duo have now become pioneers of a financial approach that blends forgetfulness and avant-garde accounting in the White House. It has definitely set a new bar for fiscal responsibility—or lack thereof.

Experts have unveiled a new exercise trend that’s sweeping the nation: literally running away from responsibilities. This innovative approach to fitness, aptly named “Responsibility Evasion Cardio Treatment” (RECT), is being hailed as the ultimate solution for those looking to burn calories and avoid the daunting tasks of adult life.

The founder of RECT, Jenny Sprinter, explains, “We’ve found that the adrenaline rush from dodging responsibilities is a fantastic calorie burner. Plus, it’s way more exhilarating than a treadmill.”

Participants of RECT are encouraged to create a list of their most pressing responsibilities, ranging from paying bills to answering work emails. Once the list is complete, they are instructed to physically run in the opposite direction whenever they think about these tasks.

Early adopters of the trend report significant weight loss, increased stamina, and an unparalleled sense of freedom. “I’ve never felt more alive,” says Mark Evader, a long-time practitioner. “As soon as I feel the urge to clean my house, I just put on my sneakers and run to the nearest coffee shop. The pounds are melting away!”

However, not everyone is on board with this unconventional fitness method. Critics argue that while RECT may offer short-term health benefits, it could lead to long-term life complications. Financial advisor Penny Saver warns, “Those miles might be piling up, but so are your unpaid bills.”

Despite the controversy, RECT classes are popping up in gyms across the country, offering a sanctuary for those looking to combine fitness with a carefree lifestyle. The classes typically end with a group cool-down session, where participants relax and share tips on how to evade more responsibilities.

As this new fitness craze continues to gain momentum, it’s clear that running away from responsibilities might just be the path to a healthier, albeit more chaotic, life.

Elon Musk, Alex Jones, and Andrew Tate have formed an alliance that is less Avengers and more like a group project where everyone forgot to do their homework.

Dubbed the “Freedom Squad,” this trio is setting out on a crusade to save free speech, or at least their version of it. This was unveiled in a recent X Spaces conversation that felt like a bizarre crossover episode no one asked for.

It comes just a day after Musk held an unscientific poll on whether Jones should be allowed back on X after being banned in 2018 for breaching the site’s rules on abusive behavior.

About 70% of roughly two million respondents voted to lift the ban, bringing the American conspiracy theorist back on the platform in a display of Musk’s commitment to his free speech ethos.

In a nearly three-hour talkathon, the three shared their views on everything from space colonization to conspiracy theories, wrapped in the banner of free speech.

The first to enter is Alex Jones, the man who turned conspiracy theorizing into an artform. He brings to the table a wealth of experience in saying things that definitely get people talking. Whether or not those things are rooted in reality is a different story altogether.

Jones expressed his gratitude to Musk for being allowed back into the digital public square. “The only thing you own is your soul and integrity”, he added in his statement that left even the most seasoned philosophers scratching their heads.

“Musk is overturning the power structure, he is changing the entire paradigm”, said Jones, praising Musk’s efforts in “getting the system scared”. He even pledged to do all his Christmas shopping from X sponsors in an attempt to show his support to the free speech crusader.

If this wasn’t enough for the day, Tate, who faces charges of rape and human trafficking, also chimed in. With a unique blend of bravado and business ‘advice,’ Tate is the wildcard of the group.

Calling Musk a “hero”, he said: “This simple purchase of the website [X] has cracked the matrix in real time”. He then advised young men to pursue wealth, fast cars, and gym memberships, emphasizing non-compliance to the system.

Together, this trio is embarking on a mission to champion free speech, with Musk tweeting: “Free speech is essential for a functioning democracy” and who better to help him with that than a man who thinks chemicals in the water are turning the frogs gay and the “most googled man in the world”.

Critics are calling this the ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,’ if the gentlemen in question were less about fighting supernatural threats and more about fighting the ‘threat’ of not being able to say whatever pops into their heads.

In response to the news, Twitter’s servers are reportedly considering early retirement, and the fact-checking industry is experiencing a boom, calling this an unexpected economic stimulus.

So, grab your popcorn, folks. The Musk-Jones-Tate trio is ready to take on the world. It will definitely be a show worth watching, but from a very, very safe distance.

Former President Donald Trump seeks to introduce a new dictator diet plan for the next time he is in power. It comes with the proposition of losing democracy in just a day.

Forget intermittent fasting, Americans can now get a taste of intermittent dictatorship when Trump would close the border and “drill, drill, drill” on the first day of his hypothetical second term.

“Think of it as a quick cleanse”, suggested Trump, “but instead of losing toxins, you lose constitutional norms just for a day!” This is how the Republican presidential frontrunner answered questions on authoritarianism in his recent appearance on Fox News.

“It’s like saying you’ll only be a vegetarian between meals. I mean, who needs a full term of dictatorship when you can apparently achieve all your authoritarian goals before breakfast?”, expressed a commentator, who wishes to remain anonymous.

Much like a Netflix free trial, Trump assured that this one-day-only dictatorship would be non-committal. “If you don’t like it, you can always go back to democracy the next day”, he declared in the interview.

Critics, however, are wary. As one political analyst noted, “History shows these trial runs tend to have automatic renewals that are very hard to cancel”.

What would attract certain Americans more is it being a balanced diet of power and panic. It would be the perfect amalgamation of out-of-the-box executive orders and Trump’s infamous inflammatory tweets.

On top of this, the best part is that no exercise would be required! The only lifting citizens will have to do would be lifting restrictions on their own power.

While Trump is busy attacking Joe Biden and dodging debates, people like Mark Esper (former defense secretary during the Trump administration) have been raising alarms about the dangers of his potential re-election.

Recently, the former President’s choice of words has been more vintage dictator than modern-day politician. He was seen throwing around terms like ‘vermin’ to describe some of his political opponents.

While every diet plan comes with its own side-effects, it could potentially be international condemnation, domestic unrest, or even impeachment in particular this case. One can now only hope that Americans would consult their political advisor before overthrowing the established order.

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Pen Smith• September 16, 2024D

Google Sues Dictionary for using Alphabet

Pen Smith• D

Google Sues Dictionary for using Alphabet

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