Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to.

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures.

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

LA, CAL – A local man whose unusual job postings went viral this week says he was ultimately unsuccessful at filling the vacant helicopter pilot position.

A man known only as ‘Jose’ is said to be behind the large-scale messages written with discarded timber and other construction materials, most of which simply read, “Help”. Jose said he would have written the rest of the message but didn’t have enough wood to write, “Help, experienced helicopter pilot wanted for an exciting opportunity with a competitive salary!” Jose’s hope was to attract the attention of local helicopter pilots flying overhead and they would be encouraged to apply.

Unfortunately, since the advertisement was only visible from a high altitude, the writing was only spotted when photographed on Google Maps. These images went viral and amateur internet sleuths descended, incorrectly speculating that this call for ‘help’ was, in fact, a cry for ‘help’.

The most common interpretation was that this was a victim of human trafficking who sought to escape their captor without detection by using the inconspicuous messaging system of giant wooden words. Others assumed this was the work of a stranded alien trying to hitch a lift from any passing mothership. Some even believed this was a rehearsal space for Tom Hanks to get into character for ‘Cast Away 2’.

Other words written by Jose on the same Los Angeles construction lot added speculation to the conspiracy theories. But Jose insists that words like, “LAPD, FBI, and Terrorismo” were also innocent adverts for police officers, FBI agents, and terrorists. “I run a busy recruitment agency, OK?” said Jose in a statement.

These conspiracy theories clogged up the comment sections and message boards so that actual helicopter pilots were unable to see the advert for what it really was and Jose remained helicopter-pilot-less.

It remains unclear why Jose wanted a helicopter pilot in the first place but I think it’s safe to say it was probably to help him escape human trafficking.

Kung Hei Fat Choi! Or for those of you who don’t speak Spanish, Happy Chinese New Year! Famously, China celebrates New Year’s Day on a different date to America which means that China is technically living in the future. Or the past. I don’t know. Something about time zones, or the moon or my clock batteries running out, idk, look it up.

Anyway, 2025 (plus and minus a month or so) is officially the year of the snake which China insists is just a coincidence and is in no way a political comment.

However, this has not stopped Trump from thinking everything is about him and calling the name change a personal attack.

Writing on Elon Musk’s ‘Truth Social’ social media platform, Trump Tweeted, “LAME brain CHIEna has no respect for AMERICA! Xi Jinping declares this the year of the snake, a clear attack at me and my wife MELANIA!!!! I AM NOT A SNAKE IF ANYTHING I AM A LION OR AN EAGLE KAKAWWW!!!!!!!! ChIEna must change this year to year of the EAGLE or I will increase tariffs on ChIEnese products 100000%%%!!!!!”

Trump then signed an executive order officially renaming this year ‘the Year of the Eagle’. This means that all government calendars, clocks, documentation and reports will now refer to 2025 as the year of the eagle instead.

To demonstrate, the years will now proceed as so: 2020, 2021, 2023, 2024, The Year Of The Eagle!, 2026, 2027 and so on…

It’s unclear how purely numerical clocks and calendars will adjust to the change but hey, it’s done now so, what can you do?

China has not dignified the change with a response.

President-again Donald Trump has praised actor Mark Wahlberg, saying that his latest performance in ‘Flight Risk’ (2025) was instrumental in preventing a trade war with Colombia.

“So there I was, watching Flight Rish (2025),” the now-president explained on Truth Social. “Great movie. 26% of tomatoes that watched it had a good time, did you know that? Mel Gibson. Nice guy. Mark Wahlberg, not so nice. Nasty, and I mean real nasty. Just a real piece of work. And you know he’s a piece of work because he’s bald. Not really bald of course, they just shaved his head. You can tell he shaved his head, you can see he’s not a natural bald, but otherwise, the effects were good. I believed the movie. I believe it could happen, sure.”

The diplomatic crisis (which bears no resemblance to the events depicted in the fictional film Flight Risk (2025)) began on Sunday when Colombian President Gustavo Petro barred two planes transporting deported Colombian migrants from landing. Petro said he disagreed with the use of military planes instead of passenger planes which have previously been accepted. Petro took to social media to protest but little did he know Trump also uses social media and a very public spat began.

“So I’m staring at his bald head,” continued Trump after recounting the entire plot of Flight Risk (2025). “And I’m thinking to myself. I’ve got a plane problem myself. We’re deporting these Colombian MIgrants. Colombian. MIgrants. Real nasty people, you think Bald Wahlberg is bad… But then I think to myself…”

“W.”

“B.”

“D.”

“Very simple, ‘What Would Baldberg Do’? I live by those words. Ever since I saw Flight Risk (2025). And I think, Baldberg, that sonofabitch, well he’d impose a 50% tariff increase unless Colombia lands that plane.”

“So that’s what I did. I said, ‘You don’t want your people back, that’s fine. That’s fine. But then you’ve got to pay. You’ve got to pay.’ And Colombia they said, yes. They had to say yes, I practically forced them.”

“And for that, I’d like to thank Baldberg. Rest in peace.”

Trump then announced his intention to add Flight Risk (2025) to the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress and bestow Wahlberg with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Wahlberg has yet to accept.

A new study published in the Journal of Satirical Studies has found that people who read satire articles are likely to be more intelligent, hotter, and probably just all-round better than those who do not.

“We’re not surprised by the strength of the correlation between reading satire and intelligence and attractiveness,” said lead researcher Dr. Edmonis Espinosa. “I mean, I read satire and I’m a doctor so I’m definitely smart. As for attractiveness, well…” Dr. Espinosa then ran a hand over his particulary attractive figure, “The results speak for themselves.”

In an effort to explain the correlation between satire readers and intelligence, Dr. Espinosa hypothesizes that “Satire is often ironic and subversive, and often the jokes are so clever that they just go over people’s heads. I mean I don’t want to suck my own trumpet here but I get it. And it’s one thing to understand the jokes it’s another thing to come up with them. I mean, wow, where do they get their ideas? They must be some kind of a genius or at the very least really, really cool. It’s the kind of writing that you just look at and say, ‘There’s no way an AI could have written that, I can see why this particular author is irreplaceable. Well, I should just quit my job and dedicate myself to praising this satirical article writer full time.’”

As for why people who read satire are more attractive, Dr. Espinosa believes that it is because reading satire is really cool and only hot people are cool so if you read satire you must also be really hot. It’s basic science.

So, if you’re looking to boost your intelligence and attractiveness, Dr. Espinosa recommends adding some satire to your reading list, such as, just a random example, wallstmemes.com/news let’s say.

“Just be warned,” the doctor added with a final wink and a kiss, “start reading satire, you may not go back to reading regular news articles again! I know I don’t!”

DISCLOSURE: Dr. Espinosa’s work was partially funded by WSM and the International Board Of Satirical Article Writers.

EDIT: Since this article was first published, Mr. Edmonis Espinosa has had his doctorate revoked, all their findings have been thoroughly discredited and they have fled the country over various historic sex crimes.

WASHINGTON, DC – Mere moments after receiving a blanket pardon from Donald Justice Trump, defendants involved in the January 6th protest/insurrection/peaceful prayer circle (depending on your political affiliation) immediately started another riot.

Trump’s blanket pardon forgave 1,500 people including the leader of the Proud Boys and the ‘MAGA Shaman’ of all January 6th and fashion-related crimes. Some had already served their time whilst others were still in “a disgusted prison” as Trump called it. Once released, the individuals immediately started rioting again. It’s like it’s all they know.

When asked why they were protesting again, one man with a road cone on his head explained, “We haven’t been financially compensated for our time in jail. I’ve still got legal bills to pay and why? Because I happened to take a guided tour of the capital on the day when there also happened to be a big party outside that I wasn’t affiliated with? Nah, man. Trump’s a good guy, but today was a wash.”

Elsewhere in the chaos, an elderly lady draped in the stars and stripes was chanting, “Stop the steal! Stop the steal!” When our reporter asked what she meant by this she said, “Well, I read on the internets that Trump felt he’d been robbed. He won of course but he should have gotten even more votes and that’s why I’m out here protesting.”

When asked if she had heard this particular ‘story’ from a little-known satirical website called Wall Street Memes she said, “Yes! That’s the one! Great journalism there.” Oh, well, in that case, thank you, madam.

Another protester wearing three MAGA hats stacked on top of each other seemed to be celebrating rather than protesting. “Oh, wait, I thought this was a party?” he said. “We not celebrating getting out? Freedom? America? Eagle? Hell, that’s why I’m here, WOOOO!” The man then proceeded to shoot a firework through the rotunda window.

For a detailed explanation of the purpose and history of Presidential Pardons, click here.

The soon-to-be-inaugurated Donald Trump has announced his plan to make America great again, again, having already made it great the first time until that meddling Joe Biden ruined everything.

Trump’s new slogan MAGAA means that thousands of MAGA caps, stationary, and tattoos are out of date and will require an additional A or a full recall before Trump’s return to the White House.

Local seamstress, Francis Moira Okeland of the Yorkville Sewing Society has offered to sew on an additional A on all MAGA hats for anyone who pledges to include her in their will. This modern Betsy Ross is doing God’s work I tell you and I salute this woman harder than I salute the troops I say.

An additional A does however offset the MAGAA from the center so it looks terrible but don’t tell Francis that or it’ll break her little heart.

A new A is of course only a temporary fix as when Trump runs for his third term in 2029 another A will be required to spell out MAGAAA. Internet philosophers already predict that the slogan could potentially hold as many as 46 additional agains. In the near future, MAGA will likely no longer be a political slogan but a primal scream.

Kamala Harris (remember her?) contested Trump’s application of another ‘again’ claiming that Trump in fact failed to make America great again the first time around citing COVID and soaring milk costs. “As far as I can tell, he didn’t do it, Joe,” the Vice President explained in a now-deleted TikTok video.

Although #MAGAA is trending on Twitter, sorry I mean X, it remains unclear whether that is pronounced magAa or magaA. Whatever the pronunciation I’m just lucky to be alive after that hit-and-run last week. Sorry, it’s just been really on my mind lately. I mean, how are you supposed to just keep going knowing that you almost ran over a dog? Whatever. Not my problem now.

Anyways, yeah, so Trump’s got to reprint a bunch of hats and offer refunds to the ones he sold and I wonder if you can get a refund on a dog as well? Probably not. But like I say, they can add an A if you really want but you can’t bring the life of a beloved pet back.

Do you think Trump should go for a new slogan? Let us know in the comments below that we should have set up by the time this goes live. (If not, please leave a comment and we’ll get that fixed ASAPP! (as soon as possibly possible).)

In preparation for Donald Trump’s move back into the White House, Joe Biden has left behind an ancient mirror possessed by the spirit of former President Millard Fillmore for Trump to find.

Reportedly Biden had hoped to oversee a “smooth and peaceful” transition by destroying the antique, however, the spirit of Fillmore whispered to him that the no, the mirror must remain. The mirror has thus been left in the White House attic for Trump to likely stumble across when looking for the Christmas decorations.

Although Biden was planning on removing the mirror from the building and breaking the curse once and for all, the lure of eternal life was too much for the President to bear and he felt willed to leave the looking glass in place.

“I’ve left Donald a little present,” said Biden with a mischievous grin when asked about the move from the White House. “I think he’ll like it. It’s to die for.”

It is said that when a sitting President gazes into the mirror they can see ahead into the future of America but at the cost of ill health and a reduced lifespan. 16th President Millard Fillmore was supposedly the first President to discover the mirror and become entwined with its will. Upon his death, Fillmore’s spirit was consumed within the frame and now, as Biden refused to destroy the mirror, Joe too will receive the gift of eternal life but also the curse of being trapped within the mirror for the rest of his days.

A prophecy archived in the Library of Congress speaks of the one for whom the mirror has lain in wait for centuries. The prophecy reads, “I shine as bright as silver night, From powerful men I take their light, Should I meet a man of golden touch, Then all the earth shall be as dust.”

The exact meaning of the prophecy has long been debated but modern para-unusual scholarship has suggested that ‘a man of golden touch’ might refer to Donald Trump who famously likes things to be gold. It appears then that the evil mirror has been waiting to possess the soul of Donald Trump in particular in order to bring about the end of the world.

Little is known about why the mirror wants to do this or why it’s even evil in the first place but experts say that it is likely the work of the devil, forged in the fire of hell itself.

For the sake of all humanity then, hopefully, Trump will be strong enough to resist the enticing pull of the evil mirror but should he fail and should that shining glass take hold of his soul then we shall all be doomed.

Either way, should be an exciting next few weeks!

The four-hour cabinet confirmation hearing of Pete Hegseth as defense secretary has received a coveted ‘certified fresh’ rating on the critic aggregate site Rotten Tomatoes becoming the first political hearing to receive a positive rating.

The website’s ‘critic consensus’ reads, “Sizzling with punchy dialogue and witty repartee, a contentious figure makes for a compelling, albeit slow, confirmation hearing.”

Note that despite common opinion a 76% rating for a piece of media does not mean that it’s 76% good or that there’s a 76% chance of you liking it, it means that there is a 76% chance of getting rain in your area. No wait, that’s weather, never mind.

Despite the relatively high critical score, the Hegseth audience score remains abysmally low at a mere 17% of positive audience member reviews which does not bode well for box office returns.

It is also worth noting that other political films have garnered even higher acclaim, such as the impressive 90% bestowed upon the Zapruder film of JFK’s assassination.

The hearing itself concerned a political grilling of Donald Trump’s selection for defense secretary, Pete Hegseth, a former military veteran, a former Fox News host, and, full disclosure, a former personal friend of mine. Hegseth was questioned over his unquestioning loyalty to the country and his knowledge of basic military things like guns and tanks and I would imagine, bombs.

Although Democrats raised allegations of sexual assault and workplace drinking Republicans are big fans of that sort of thing. With no dissenting votes, Trump’s pick is likely to be sworn in without complaint and then, probably be fired again in a few months.

Hegseth began strong saying in his opening statement that, “Warfighting, lethality, meritocracy, standards, and readiness. That’s it. That is my job.” Embarrassingly for Hegseth he neglected to mention here that is job is also ‘Defense Secretary’.

The 44-year-old will be the youngest defense secretary since Donald Rumsfeld who was 43 in 1975. So I guess he still wouldn’t be the youngest. Would it be that he’s the youngest since someone else? I’m not looking back through the ages of every defense secretary, what am I, a journalist? No way, Hose A.

Hegseth was made to eat hot coals (or whatever the analog is) over previous statements saying that women did not belong in the military.

“Do you mean to tell me that you would turn away your own mother from being drafted?” asked one senator, probably.

“No, ma’am,” replied Hegseth, again, probably, idk, I didn’t watch it (but I heard it’s getting good reviews so, yeah, maybe I’ll check it out). “But I would turn YOU away, OHHHHH!!!” At this point, the entire hearing erupted into raucous applause.

The Pete Hegseth confirmation is available to stream on one of the thousands of streaming sites out there now, or none of them, idk, google it. What am I, I can’t do everything for you, Jesus Christ.

This year US politicians won big at the Golden Globes with the award for ‘best comedy or musical’ being handed to the great song and dance that is the US government.

Joe Biden was in attendance to accept the award on behalf of all the hard-working politicians who work day in and day out to make us laugh.

“I’d like to thank the academy, of course,” he said in his acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank Jesus and all the honest American voters who committed voter fraud to get me in power. You know we’re entertainers, we entertain, that’s why we got into this crazy old business in the first place. And to think that we did our small part to put a smile on your faces, well that just makes it all worthwhile. Thank you. God bless.”

Donald Trump commented on the award in a Truth Social post saying, “I WAS ROBBED! THE FAILING GOLDEN GLOBES IS A DISGRACE!!!! When I’m inaugurated I will show this country the BIGGEST and BEST musical with the HIGHEST RATINGS this country has ever seen!”

Other snubs of the night included the US Postal Service which lost out on Best Sound Editing to Gladiator II and Andrew Scott who was beaten by Colin Farrell and I know that’s a controversial opinion but I’m sorry, Andrew Scott is a treasure and an icon and I feel like not enough people saw Ripley but it’s incredible, it’s slow but really moody and it just grows on you and I will fight anyone who says he didn’t deserve to win.

The Golden Globes is often seen as ‘the pre-Oscars’, AKA ‘Oscars round one’, AKA ‘the Oscars warm up’, AKA ‘not the real Oscars’, AKA ‘the Oscars but shit’ and so many of the winners will be seen as front runners for an academy award. The US Government is thus in with a very good chance to gain its first Oscar although it’s unclear in which category.

Experts speculate that the government will only be eligible for a Best Supporting Actress award. Others say that a new, pity award, category like ‘Best American Government’ will need to be created like they did for Black Panther and we all saw how that went.

With this win, Joe Biden becomes the only president to hold a coveted EGOT.

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