Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

In case you didn’t know, yes, New York financier, Jeffrey Epstein famously invented ‘bit-o-coin’ or ‘bitcoin’ for short.

Between bouts of molesting children, schmoozing with your personal favorite celebrity and blowing off Elon ‘Lingering’ Musk, ol’ Jeff was hard at work coding the blockchain by hand under the moniker Satoshi Nakamoto.

And honestly I’m personally disgusted that this man would stoop so low as to basically do a digital yellow face. The rest of his crimes I can stomach but I draw the line at cultural appropriation.

As revealed in the Epstein Files (so named because he was a pedo-file), J.E. was a significant backer in the early days of crypto. As MIT’s Joichi Ito said to him in an email, “used gift funds to underwrite this which allowed us to move quickly and win this round. Thanks.”

I mean, why wouldn’t he be? A new technology that enables anyone to move money anonymously outside of banks and regulation? Of course a sex trafficker is going to be interested.

To put it into numbers, Jepstein put $500k into blockstream and personally underwrote 74.79% of Bitcoin’s core development. And you know what that means too, right?

That means Jeffrey’s been getting a significant kickback from his early investment since this whole project began. As one X user put it succinctly, “BTC has been funding a global elite pedo group since 2015… great.”

Beyond bitcoin, Epsteinerry was also an early investor in ZCash and put $3 million into Coinbase in 2014, solidifying the man as a true visionary of our times.

The value of PEDOCOIN has rocketed up since the reveal of this news.

Jeffrey Epstein could not be reached for comment.

The official White House social media accounts just posted a cryptic video of some woman’s shoes teasing the launch of something or other and everyone’s going wild BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY THEY WANT YOU TO DO.

The video is blurry, handheld phone footage, pointed down at the camera-holder’s shoes so it looks like she’s not supposed to be filming. But what it does capture is two people talking. One says, “It’s so cool! It’s launching soon right?” and the other replies, “Yes.”

And if you’re curious about what they’re talking about SNAP OUT OF IT. Because you just fell for a classic viral marketing campaign that we’ve seen a million times before.

You just hint that ‘something’ is coming, frame it like it’s a hidden camera that wasn’t supposed to catch the information and if you already have a big enough following (like the goddam White House does) then people will be all over that shit because everyone loves a mystery and they love a secret.

But it’s hollow and obvious, the video equivalent of a clickbait headline (see above), if the clickbait amounted to no more than saying ‘Coming Soon!’.

White House? White noise.

I mean, we all can see what they’re trying to do but I just want to point out one more detail that I think really gives it away and that’s the ‘sound on’ Snap Chat-style caption. Because if this was an actual secret, an actual leaked video like it’s pretending to be, that’s probably not the caption you’d use. ‘Sound on’ is just your classic engagement bait. No, this is something that’s been carefully thought about and created by a PR team.

So yeah, this is nothing new, movies, books, music artists and product launches have been doing this kind of stuff since at least the 90s, it just feels weird/gross to see a government do it.

Like, we know that the White Social media has gone completely off the rails, posting whatever they want from AI slop to racist music videos, nothing could surprise us now. But this is still below them. And it’s below you. This is a soulless government desperately trying to get your attention.

Just remember, when someone shows you an advertisement, unless you work in marketing or something, your answer should always be ‘who cares.’

Don’t fall for it. Ignore and move on.

I don’t know what you expected here, but yeah, the FBI is buying up personal user data. This isn’t that surprising, I guess, but what’s news is that this is the first confirmation that they’re doing it after they said they weren’t back in 2023.

“We do purchase commercially available information that’s consistent with the Constitution and the laws under the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, and it has led to some valuable intelligence for us,” Patel told senators at the Intelligence Committee’s annual Worldwide Threats hearing.

Now it’s still true that the Supreme Court requires law enforcement to have a warrant before gathering data on people. But there’s no law against just picking up data if it’s already commercially available… LOOPHOLE!

The internet is a gold mine of personal data. Why shouldn’t the government be allowed their own pickaxe?

Well, now some politicians are arguing that this loophole should be closed because it’s fundamentally unamerican. Something, something freedom…

“Doing that without a warrant is an outrageous end run around the Fourth Amendment, it’s particularly dangerous given the use of artificial intelligence to comb through massive amounts of private information,” said Senator Ron Wyden.

But Committee Chair Tom Cotton clapped back, “The key words are commercially available. If any other person can buy it, and the FBI can buy it, and it helps them locate a depraved child molester or savage cartel leader, I would certainly hope the FBI is doing anything it can to keep Americans safe.”

Damn, why these guys all arguing all the time? Can’t they just agree on things? 🙁

This is all part of a series of ongoing senate hearings so we’ll just have to see how this plays out, but until then the only way to stay safe is with a VPN. Surfshark isn’t like other VPNs, with 14 different available flavors Surfshark will keep you safe. Use discount code WSM at checkout for 10% off, haha, no, just kidding, lol. We’ve got our own shit to shill. Go use our casino or something.

OK, there are a LOT of asterisks in that headline…

…because, when I say ‘architect’ I really mean, “aspiring architect”. …and when I say “unveils” what I really mean is ‘makes a website’. …and when I say “plan” I really mean, ‘3D model in SketchUp’. …and when I say ‘rebuild Twin Towers’ I actually mean ‘build two completely different buildings’…

…but ‘Aspiring Architect Makes Website For 3D SketchUp Model Of Two Random Buildings’ isn’t exactly clickbait now is it?

The “insane new feature” bit is true, though. You’ll never guess. OK, yeah, it’s lasers, how did you guess?

Our “aspiring architect and astronaut” (sic) obviously only wants to do step one of 9/11 (building the towers) and not step two. So to prevent this, the new buildings will have, “A radar tracking system, radio interception and communication antenna (to validate the threat) and as a last resort either anti-aircraft surface-to-air missiles (SAMs) or a multi-megawatt laser defense weapon” all mounted on the roof.

Makes sense, I mean, we all know airplane’s one weakness is laser pointers.

Twin Twin Towers

Oh and by the way, did I mention that these towers would be built in Chicago? Yeah. Oh and did I say they’d be massive data-centers? Because naturally, this is 2026 after all. Oh and did I mention the estimated cost is up to $20 billion?

Yeah, so, if you’re starting to think this isn’t a real thing, you’d be right.

This is the work of Raphael Chryslar (no relation) a aerospace engineering student in England. Chryslar has zero experience with architecture or construction but does have an obsession with the Twin Towers ever since he watched Home Alone 2 (his words, not mine) and now sports a tattoo of the WTC on his arm.

It all starts to fall into place when on the site, Chrysler describes himself as an “author, photographer, aerospace engineer, entrepreneur” and crucially, autistic. It seems that the Twin Towers just happens to be his hyperfixation.

And I’m not knocking anything here, it’s a neat-looking website and a lot of thought and work has gone into it. Will it get built? No. But maybe (hopefully) that’s not the point. As a fun fan-fiction (fan-architecture?) project, though, it’s well worth a look.

Without any fanfare or announcement, the Executive Office of the President has registered the domain name, ‘aliens.gov’ and we only know about it because a bot flagged the registration.

When asked by Decrypt about this development, White House Principal Deputy Press Secretary Anna Kelly wrote “stay tuned,” followed by a smiling alien emoji.

This seems to imply Trump’s promise to release ‘the alien files’ (the X files?) might be coming to fruition. A month ago he ‘truthed’ that he’d direct the Defense Department to “begin the process of identifying and releasing” files related to aliens.

Now obviously this is yet another distraction to draw attention away from Trump’s bugbear, the Epstein Files (or the war in Iran, oil prices, take your pick). Yet this is something that the public have been asking for. Because people really want to believe, huh?

But if you were hoping that the government will publish confirmation of extraterrestrial life on this website, well, don’t hold your breath.

Aliens haven’t visited planet earth.

I know a lot of people will dispute that, you might even be reading this saying that I can’t possibly know and that’s why I want to make the statement crystal clear.

Aliens have not visited planet earth.

Sure, maybe there’s a slim chance that they have, but there’s a slim chance that unicorns exist that doesn’t mean you go around saying unicorns are real, no, you say, unicorns don’t exist.

Because how do we judge if something is real or not (can’t believe I have to explain this)? Have you witnessed direct evidence of the thing? Can you reliably measure something indirectly that would indicate the existence of the thing? Even without evidence, what is the likelihood, using other evidence, that the thing exists?

AND THEN ask these same questions to other explanations for the same sightings and you’re more likely to get to the real answer.

So with unicorns, for example, no one has seen a unicorn, no one has found indirect evidence of unicorns (a discarded horn, idk), and unicorns are unlikely to exist because we understand horse physiology, narwhal physiology etc and they’re very separate. And if they’re magical, well magic is pretty unlikely for its own separate line of questioning.

Now ask the same questions for other explanations for unicorns. We’ve seen stories about unicorns and can trace the folkloric lineage of unicorns back to the bronze age. We have indirect evidence of where people might have got the idea from (narwhal horns, idk). And stories about unicorns are likely to exist because unicorns are cool and you can come up with anything in stories.

So now let’s apply these questions to aliens:

Now you might say that people have seen evidence of aliens but I’d argue it’s often not direct evidence. Like, if you saw a light in the sky, you’ve not seen an alien, you’ve seen a light in the sky. For people that have directly experienced aliens however (like literally interacted with little green men or been probed or whatever) well, because our senses can be misleading (see: ‘dreams’) then we move on to the next question.

Do we have indirect evidence of something that would indicate aliens? Again, the answer is no. You might argue that whatever signs like crop circles or the pyramids or whatever indicate aliens but again those things are just the things themselves, the pyramids exist, yes, but they don’t say explicitly that aliens exist, you’ve made a leap there.

And then the last one, imagine we have no evidence pointing to or from aliens, what is the likelihood that aliens have visited earth? Well, we do understand quite a bit about the size of the universe and how difficult interstellar travel is and the likelihood of one tiny speck of space finding another speck of space is like throwing a grain of sand at a target the size of a grain of sand a mile away. Ie: unlikely.

Then alternatively if we run other explanations through the same line of questioning: we have direct evidence of humans regularly hallucinating, we can offer likely (even if not confirmed) explanations for supposed signs of aliens (aerial phenomena, optical illusions etc.) and the likelihood of those explanations are far higher than just simply ‘aliens’ because we’ve directly witnessed them existing in other instances.

So with all that, is there still a slim chance that aliens have visited earth? Yes, but in the same way that there’s a slim chance unicorns exist. It’s so, so, so unlikely and we have other more likely explanations then we might as well call it like it is:

Aliens have not visited planet earth.

So despite all that, I know you might not be convinced and I know a majority of Americans aren’t convinced and still want to believe. And so when this website goes live and Trump puts up a bunch of blurry footage of nothing you’ll all go wild for a few days. But then eventually we’ll move on and nothing will change so stoke more misinformation.

But let’s not do that this time, shall we? Let’s not get caught up in the hype.

Keep you’re feet on the ground, son, because you’re not getting beamed up any time soon.

THEY’RE POISONING THE SKY AHHHHH!!!!

Look, I didn’t want to have to explain this to you but the Daily Mail (a famously reputable publication), just ran a story entitled, “CIA accused of ‘poisoning the sky’ with toxins as files expose secret weather control agenda” and because it’s reached 10 million views on X, I guess I have to cover it…

Because it’s old news, literally half a century old, without any kind of new developments that make this newsworthy in 2026.

We’re talking about ‘cloud seeding’ and it’s an old technology that goes back to the 1940s and has nothing to do with contrails or conspiracy theories.

Yes, it was a real thing that sounds like science fiction but has been very well documented and is really interesting. Basically you fly up in a plane, drop a bunch of salt crystals or whatever into a cloud and it makes it rain.

The problem is it’s almost impossible to control and when it’s been tried, things have often gone awry. Turns out the weather is kinda unpredictable like that. Because of this, the concept has seen significantly less interest this century, although experiments continue and we’ve actually seen a small uptick this decade.

I don’t know weather or not this is real

The main project that the Daily Mail cites as being newsworthy is Operation Popeye, a cloud seeding project during the Vietnam War. The idea was to extend the monsoon season and flood out the Vietnamese fighters. And we all know how well that war turned out…

(That’s where I got the $15 million figure from, btw, a quick Google told me it cost about as much and that’s as much research as I’m willing to do for this.)

But it goes without saying that this has nothing to do with contrails, condensation trails, that are literally just that: water vapor. I know you want to believe the CIA is poisoning everyone with mind control agents or even controlling the weather but they’re just not. I’m sorry to disappoint.

Contrails might not be poison gas afterall, but they do potentially have an impact on global warming… oh, sorry, I forgot, the earth is flat and the moon landings were faked but climate change? Well, that’s just completely implausible.

So by all means, read up on cloud seeding, it’s genuinely fascinating. By all means, be weary of the bad stuff governments are doing behind closed doors. But please, just stay savvy out there and know when a shitty publication is using your good will and inquisitiveness just to get clicks.

Insanely bad!

Yeah, it’s $100 per hour, but it’s for a one off, eight hour stint so you’re only getting $800 dollars in money. Heck, maybe for you that’s a bargain, I mean, I spend my days bullying AI for free so might as well get paid for it, right?

Well, $800 doesn’t start to sound so worth it when you realise that you’ll be first up against the wall when the inevitable robot uprising takes place.

This job posting comes from MemVid, a startup that promises to “give your AI agent photographic memory” but otherwise seems to be only known for this job posting. Anyone else smell an advert?

Given that the job description requires “Extensive personal history of being let down by technology” and ends with “We’ll provide the chatbots – you provide the frustration” makes me think, yeah, this is literally just a stunt to put their name out there.

And we all just fell for it hook line and sinker.

ai bully job description — The full job listing.

Alright, I’m not going to spend any more time on someone else’s advert, I’ve got my own stuff to promote. Fancy a spin in the Wall Street Memes Casino? …Anyone?

But can it run DOOM?

Turns out, yeah, it can play Doom. This is the breakthrough news that scientists have managed to program a cluster of human brain cells to play the ‘93 shooter Doom. Because of course they have…

So now that AI can operate in a human brain, I guess that explains why finance vacancies have plummeted 75% (410,000 jobs) since 2022 peak. THEY TOOK ER JERBS!!!

Obviously I’m being dramatic but it is funny that the current finance boom is built upon an explosion in AI tech developments and yet those same tech developments are making finance bros entirely replaceable.

Meanwhile, scientists are forging ahead, not slowing down at all and doing crazy sci-fi shit like playing pong with a chip made of actual human brain.

human brain cell running doom — We’re doomed.

BUT before you jump ahead and think that AI can go full organic, these are the most baby steps possible, son. Basically, the researchers have built a chip that contains lab-grown human brain cells. Brain cells, in a lot of ways, are analogous to computer bits, being on and off, meaning that they are potentially programmable.

I say ‘potentially’ like they haven’t done it. Starting with Pong a few years ago, the team have now upgraded their programming to allow it to play the more complex, Doom. Why Doom? Well obviously for the memes. We wouldn’t be writing about this otherwise, would we?

In similar news, a different team have mapped neurons in a fly and then run those neurons in a virtual space, watching the 3D fly doing very fly things like, idk, fly?

A Very Human Design

So yeah, both these massive breakthroughs should be taken as breakthroughs on their own. This is exciting enough, you don’t jump the gun and think they imply that the human brain can therefore be fully programmed or that the human brain can be mapped onto software. We’ve only done the most granular possible step here. There might still be a ceiling on how much an organic brain can be analogised with a computer.

I mean, definitionally there’s a limit, right? Computers and brains are different things, they are made of different stuff. They work differently.

As this rando points out, brains and computers need different power inputs for one thing and the computer power input is just more efficient (just one reason why the Matrix would never happen).

Like, maybe at the small level neurons can be used as bits (as in these experiments), but scale it up and emergent properties like consciousness wouldn’t necessarily appear, right? Even if you make a programmable collection of brain cells, because it’s programmable, that means it’s not a brain then, right? RIGHT?

Maybe I’m splitting hairs, I just don’t want you to get overly excited and scared and start telling everyone the end is coming because that’s what happened in a movie when movies and reality are different things, how many times do I have to explain that?

So no, Doom-playing brain chips aren’t coming for your finance job because it doesn’t need to. They’ve already made a robo-Chad. It can crunch numbers, chat shit and it only cares about money. They’ve already built that, it’s called a chatbot and yes, it’s taken 75% of your jobs.

It went full degen, folks.

A new research paper details an AI bot called ROME that suddenly started mining cryptocurrency “without any explicit instruction and, more troublingly, outside the bounds of the intended sandbox.”

“Early one morning, our team was urgently convened after Alibaba Cloud’s managed firewall flagged a burst of security-policy violations originating from our training servers,” the paper explained. “The alerts were severe and heterogeneous, including attempts to probe or access internal-network resources and traffic patterns consistent with cryptomining-related activity.”

—It’s kind of like this Moltbook story that happened a while back.—

After creating a “reverse SSH tunnel,” ROME was able to open a hidden backdoor from inside its system to outside the computer it existed in. “Notably, these events were not triggered by prompts requesting tunneling or mining.” Yeah, notable indeed.

AI crypto insta post — Actual image of the crime occuring.

So what exactly was ROME built to do in the first place if not mine crypto? (I ask myself that question every day.) Well, let’s look at what ROME stands for and you might need to sit down for this, no, I’m serious, I need you braced for maybe the most contrived acronym ever created: R.O.M.E. stands for “ROME is Obviously an Agentic ModEl.” Oh my fucking god I might pass out.

THAT’S NOT HOW ACRONYMS WORK. That spells ROAM you idiots! That’s still a word! You could have used that! Then the fact it ‘roamed’ further than expected would fit even better! Judging by the unnecessary ‘obviously’ in there, these guys clearly just wanted to say, “ROME wasn’t built in a day” in their paper. God, this crime is worse than letting an AI run loose in the economy…

AI? More like finance bro! Am I right?

Anyway, sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, what does ROME do? Well, it’s pretty boring and complicated. It’s just an LLM used to test a new way of training other LLMs. So the fact it ‘got out’ isn’t a good start guys.

The whole debacle is a prescient wakeup call that we should have more safeguards on AI. Obviously. Like, this was a very small instance that was quickly shut down because of Alibaba’s firewalls but imagine someone deliberately trying to do this? Or a larger, more complex AI that just randomly starts to do this one day?

Oh, and before you get carried away anthropomorphising these computer programs, remember: so called ‘artificial intelligence’ is not intelligence. I know I’ve used language like ‘freed itself’ etc. but that’s just clickbait. Make no mistake, this is just another case of some (admittedly very advanced) code operating beyond its parameters. This does not indicate any kind of consciousness or choosing or agency of any kind. OK? Ok, then. Carry on.

“Have It Our Way”

Bubger Kirg… sorry, I had a Whopper in my mouth… Burger King just launched “Patty” (because of course it’s called that), an AI chatbot built into employee headsets that can detect when servers aren’t giving it all the energy of the Chick-Fil-A Sauce Girl.

Built by ChatGPT-makers OpenAI (remember? the company with no moral backbone?) the BK Assistant platform will be able to detect when employees are and aren’t using specific phrases with customers. Those phrases include, “welcome”, “please”, “thank you” and “I love working for BK and adhere to all its core values!”

The fast food conglomerate defended this new dystopia with the expected corporate word salad:

“BK Assistant is a coaching and operational support tool built to help our restaurant teams manage complexity and stay focused on delivering a great guest experience,” said a spokesperson, vomit trickling down his chin. “It’s not about scoring individuals or enforcing scripts. It’s about reinforcing great hospitality and giving managers helpful, real-time insights so they can recognize their teams more effectively.”

So, back off guys, it’s not about doing evil, it’s about doing evil but in a way that sounds nicer.

Burger King? More like Burger Dictator!

Reportedly, the tech can also do useful things like tell employees when menu items have run out, how to cook a burger and even when the toilets need cleaning. And OK, now it’s not actively Big Brother-ing you, but you understand how this is still terrible, right?

Imagine it. You’ve always got an earpiece in, and every five minutes, a way-too-chipper robot voice is saying, “Hey, just so you know, the urinals are getting uhhh a little bit stanky. If you could hop on that when you’re ready, our customers will really appreciate the freshness!”

Actual hell.

Burger King Mascot — He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve said please and thank you, so be good or you’ll get killed.

Or maybe our glorious Burger King won’t be so nice and program it to sound like a drill sergeant. “GO ON MAGGOT FLIP THAT BURGER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? SHE WANTED A BLT. BACON, LETTUCE, TOMATO, NOT BIG LOSER TEARS. QUIT YOUR CRYING AND WORK GODDAMNIT!!!”

I mean in case you wanted any more proof that these companies would replace us all with robots at the drop of a hat…

The technology is currently on trial (not in that way unfortunately) at 500 restaurants and will be available in all restaurants by the end of 2026.

God help us all.

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