2025 | Wall Street Memes

OpenAI, Oracle, Softbank, and MGX are all coming together to build $500bn of AI infrastructure across the country. Little is known about project ‘Stargate’ but investors close to the companies say that Softbank is building the legs, MGX has funded construction of the arms and OpenAI is working on the head. When combined, all elements together will have the fighting prowess of a mighty lion.

Stargate is the brainchild of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman who claimed to have come up with the idea when flipping through channels. Reruns of 90s sci-fi shows and 80s cartoons then merged together for him in a dream.

“I woke up and thought, ‘What if we could create a real Voltron, but powered by the most advanced AI in the world?’ But obviously, I couldn’t call it that for copyright reasons,” Altman said in a statement. “And that’s how Stargate was born. Just don’t ask how I got the name.”

According to plans for Stargate, the massive robot will stand over 100 feet tall, weigh over 1,000 tons, and can wield various weapons. Why it would need to do this however remains an open question.

“Stargate will be the most powerful robot ever created,” continued Altman. “Maybe even more powerful than God.”

The project was announced alongside Turnip’s inauguration in what he called, “A resounding declaration of confidence in America’s potential.” I.e. he doesn’t know what AI does.

Other billionaire, Elon Musk clapped back at the project on the social media platform formerly known as Prince, saying, “They don’t actually have the money. Softbank has well under $10bn secured. I have that on good authority.” Sure you do. “Plus, Voltron was never as cool as Transformers.”

Altman then retorted, “Wrong, as you surely know. Voltron could beat any transformer in a fight, I’ll show you!” The post included a linked video of Altman smashing an Optimus Prime plastic toy with a Voltron figure.

This rivalry is the latest episode in an ongoing spat that began when the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. They should probably just f*** and get it over with.

Following Musk’s announcement that he intends to build a Grok-powered Transformer, it now seems more likely that this dispute will play out in an epic, kaiju-style fight that will wreak untold destruction on metropolises across the US.

For more fake news, keep locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Company.

WASHINGTON, DC – Mere moments after receiving a blanket pardon from Donald Justice Trump, defendants involved in the January 6th protest/insurrection/peaceful prayer circle (depending on your political affiliation) immediately started another riot.

Trump’s blanket pardon forgave 1,500 people including the leader of the Proud Boys and the ‘MAGA Shaman’ of all January 6th and fashion-related crimes. Some had already served their time whilst others were still in “a disgusted prison” as Trump called it. Once released, the individuals immediately started rioting again. It’s like it’s all they know.

When asked why they were protesting again, one man with a road cone on his head explained, “We haven’t been financially compensated for our time in jail. I’ve still got legal bills to pay and why? Because I happened to take a guided tour of the capital on the day when there also happened to be a big party outside that I wasn’t affiliated with? Nah, man. Trump’s a good guy, but today was a wash.”

Elsewhere in the chaos, an elderly lady draped in the stars and stripes was chanting, “Stop the steal! Stop the steal!” When our reporter asked what she meant by this she said, “Well, I read on the internets that Trump felt he’d been robbed. He won of course but he should have gotten even more votes and that’s why I’m out here protesting.”

When asked if she had heard this particular ‘story’ from a little-known satirical website called Wall Street Memes she said, “Yes! That’s the one! Great journalism there.” Oh, well, in that case, thank you, madam.

Another protester wearing three MAGA hats stacked on top of each other seemed to be celebrating rather than protesting. “Oh, wait, I thought this was a party?” he said. “We not celebrating getting out? Freedom? America? Eagle? Hell, that’s why I’m here, WOOOO!” The man then proceeded to shoot a firework through the rotunda window.

For a detailed explanation of the purpose and history of Presidential Pardons, click here.

As one of his many first acts as the new king of the free world, Donald Jordana Trump has written an executive order rolling back diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) schemes that he calls “dangerous, demeaning and immoral” and if only he’d found an ‘E’ word instead of ‘demeaning’ he could have done something clever there.

A government memo written in large Sharpie letters has told federal agencies to put all diversity staff on immediate paid leave.

“Yeah, it’s a win-win for me,” commented self-proclaimed diversity hire, Eric Trump. “I don’t have to work and I still get paid? Hell yeah, what’s not to like?”

The memo gives instructions to put staff on leave, report back with how they’ve done that, submit a plan for further staff reductions, AND report any effort to disguise DEI programs with “coded or imprecise language” whatever that means, could they be more precise?

In the kerfuffle, Elon Musk has reportedly also been put on leave. Internal documents from the Office of Personal Management (OPM) suggest that Musk might have been a DEI hire all along having ticked the boxes on his application for ‘African’, ‘probably on the spectrum’ and ‘just generally unemployable’.

So to explain for the people in the back row: the idea is that DEI is supposed to compensate for those traditionally discriminated against by gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, disability and trivia knowledge. Opinions on DEI predictably divide along political lines with the liberal left LAMEstream media saying it’s a necessary policy to help rectify hundreds of years of injustice and unconscious biases. The conservative right COOLstream media say that it’s fundamentally unAmerican and unDemocratic and unMeritocratic and unConstitutional, people should be hired on ability, not anything else and to do so is in fact the prejudiced option.

The truth is both opinions are correct but who is right? Does DEI actually address inequality or does it just get abused? Can people hire fairly PURELY based on merit without any other biases getting in the way? The problem is not a disagreement with whether DEI works or is fair, the problem is that both sides aren’t in agreement with the initial premise that there even is any inequality. The left says there are still deeply entrenched disparities whilst some on the right say no, racism ended with Obama (or something, idk). Keep going right and the extreme opinion is that there is inequality and that’s a good thing, the wHites should be out on top, but now we’re into plain old-fashioned racism.

The difficulty is that all these arguments and opinions are all swirled up in each other making it hard to separate good-faith arguments from your classic bigotry. And that confusion isn’t helped by the left seeing that swirly mess and crying ‘racist’ because it’s the most hyperbolic retort like what I just did a paragraph ago.

Maybe that’s too forgiving to Trump. It’s hard to look at a mass firing of theoretically underrepresented people and not think it’s mean-spirited. Without an agreement on the initial problem and without an agreement on whether the solution works, it feels more like political flexing than an actual step to making things better.

What do you think? Email in or comment below with your favorite death threat.

Donald Johannes Trump’s inaugural inauguration was an eventful event with speeches, dancing, and a disappointingly few riots. One far-right protester did manage to make headlines however by taking to the stage to perform a Nazi salute. Oh, no wait, that was Elon Musk.

During a speech he did his classic move: jumping up and down. He thanked the crowd and then performed a less classic move by thrusting out his downward palm in a worryingly familiar gesture. Maybe he just got caught up in the moment? Maybe he doesn’t have full control of his limbs, OH no, he just did it a second time.

Now Musk has finally taken to Twitter to clear up the confusion and explain what his angle was, except for 45 degrees.

“Frankly, they need better dirty tricks. The ‘everyone is Hitler’ attack is sooo tired.” Agreed Elon, but calling someone Hitler is typically a hyperbolic attack on their words or policies. No one’s calling you Hitler, what people are saying is that you did a Nazi salute for some reason.

“Oh, OK, I’m sorry, I get you now,” responded Musk who I guess can somehow reply to what I’m writing in real-time? Errr…

“Let me explain, I was merely reaching up to high-five an old, long-lost friend of mine I saw in the crowd.”

Uh-huh. What’s that friend’s name, Elon?

“Adrian… err… Dittmann?”

Sure thing, and what about the second salute?

“Oh, that was to indicate to the sound team that I needed the volume raised.”

The sound team behind you?

“I was telling everyone how high Tesla profits are going to be.”

Sure.

“I was pointing out a cool bird I saw fly by.”

Right.

“I was indicating that I wanted someone to throw me a croissant.”

OK.

“I was showing off to everyone how long my arms are. By the way, they’re really long.”

Yeah.

“It’s a secret Illuminati symbol to indicate to my fellow lizard elite that the global new order is upon us.”

Pull the other one.

“I was just hailing a taxi.”

Sieg heiling?

“I was indicating how high you have to be to ride this ride.”

And how high were you?

“I was testing the aerodynamics of my hand for a future, err… space project.”

Alright, let’s wrap this up.

“I was using an ancient Roman greeting.”

Oh, you mean the salute that the Romans never actually used and was invented by a painting that the Nazis then co-opted thinking it was Roman?

“Errr, yeah, that one. Well, whatever, the democrats have done it too look at these pictures…”

Oh, SHIT OBAMA’S A NAZI?!

“Yeah, haha, HAHA! You see now?”

Alright, but these were taken out of context.

“Well, so was mine. Double standard. DOUBLE STANDARD!”

No, in these pictures they were probably talking about something else when raising their arm. It was to indicate a point, what was the point you were making.

“No, they were just using it for emphasis, just like me. You’re an idiot and you just lost an argument to a fictional version of Elon Musk in your own head.”

Oh, crap you’re right.

Elon Musk is available from all major participating retailers.

This morning, millions of Americans arose from their beds, ran downstairs with glee, and threw open their curtains to gaze out on the brand new light of Donald Trump’s second presidency. However, they were greeted with the ominous hue that Democrats tried to warn us about and Republicans had said would just be the beginning: orange.

It was only a little bit more orange, imperceptible at first, probably just a nice sunrise. But as the unsuspecting public continued about their day, they started to see that even as the sun rose, even as they went indoors, even when they shut their eyes, everything had the slightest of orange tints.

“Yeah, I’m not sure what’s going on,” claimed Daniel Arsogle, NASA’s head scientist. “I’m usually the guy in charge of making sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen, you know the sky stays blue, night is dark, that kind of thing, and let me tell you we have seen a chromatic fuck*p this big since that fuck**g dress.”

The White House has assured us that nothing untoward has occurred and that everything was always just a little bit orange you just never noticed it. “Who doesn’t like orange?” said White House spokesperson Pope Francis. “Vitamin C, delicious juice, cheeeeese? Name one thing bad that’s orange. Apart from him. Go on, I’ll wait.”

Although political experts like my step-sister’s boyfriend Anthony claim that Trump doesn’t even have the power to change the color of everything, Trump did elude to the change in his inaugural address, “A tide of change is sweeping the country. Sunlight is pouring over the entire world.” Additionally, a redacted three-word executive order uncovered by the Washington Post reportedly reads, “Tan the sky.”

It is unclear whether this order was carried out or even how. But many have claimed it’s definitely there.

“I for one think it’s great, like a new beginning,” said Jerry Cambustus, a 21-year-old Trump supporter. “It’s like the old saying goes, ‘It’s always darkest before the Don.’ That means it’s lightest after the Don(ald Trump, that is). To me, it’s like a sunrise or the afterglow of a hopeful dream.”

“To me, it looks more like a sunset. That or the apocalypse,” countered Myriam Ogshunt, a 46-year-old Democratic-Republican. “I’m afraid to leave my house. I’m worried it’s the end times. At first, I thought it was wildfires or a stroke but then I realized I couldn’t smell burning. It does feel like I spray-tanned my eyes but I’m not sure if that’s related.”

Whatever the cause or whether it even exists one thing is for sure, it’s now an orange world and we’re just living in it.

Predictably unpredictable, Donald Trump has broken from tradition by funding his inauguration entirely with memecoin cryptocurrencies. All payments and transactions have been made with the $TRUMP token, from hiring Kid Rock to bribing supporters not to riot.

Trump’s choice of payment method is unusual since previous inaugurations were paid for solely in United States American Dollars. Reagan’s ceremony is the only exception as that was partially funded by Iranian Rials.

Trump launched his official cryptocurrency in the run-up to signing in, despite thinking ‘meme’, ‘crypto’, and ‘Solana’ were all brands of yogurt. Immediately after launch, Trump’s coin surged to over $5bn dollars in value which will definitely turn out well for everyone involved.

Not to be outdone, Melania then launched her own crypto, causing her husband’s token to plummet. Divorce lawyers are saying this is the first time they’ve seen a martial spat play out over Coinbase.

Meanwhile, Trump’s sons’ own crypto, ‘World Liberty Financial’ (whatever that means), flounders in obscurity much like the sons themselves.

Of all the contractors involved in the inauguration, only one lighting rigger refused to accept the new currency saying he only accepted ‘Moons’. All other transactions have reportedly been successful. The rigger in question has since been deported.

In other inauguration news, despite being in attendance, the long-anticipated Conor McGregor/Mark Zuckerberg face-off will not take place as both have agreed to bury the hatchet to commemorate this new political era. Jeff Bezos and Shou Zi Chew have expressed disappointment that they will no longer be able to tag-team the fight. Entertainment instead will consist of an elaborate 40-minute jumping gymnastics show performed by Elon Musk.

After his crowning, Trump plans to implement a list of 100 executive orders that range from January 6th pardons to turning the frogs back to being straight. That should keep everyone busy for a while.

In other other news, because why not just put this all in one place, the Washington Post has revealed that they’ve seen documents saying that Musk’s DOGE thingy will be sued on day one. It’s to do with government advisory committees, they have rules and everything for how those are implemented and Musk (and the other guy) didn’t follow any of those rules.

Now, Musk will say he’s not an advisory committee, but he’s not a government department either. You can’t just slap the word ‘department’ on a thing and claim it’s a government body. I know because I found out the hard way that the IRS can tell the difference between the Inland Revenue Service and my Indisputably (tax) Rebatable Saunaroom.

Regardless of what Musk’s DOGE turns out to be defined as, I suspect the first thing he might advise Trump to cut will be the people trying to sue him.

Tune into TikTok today to watch the inauguration live!

Charts with big upward-squiggling arrows are entering a boom period according to ‘Big Arrow’ the creators of what many are calling the most successful product since the spinning newspaper. This positive trend is predicted to squiggle down slightly at some point but will likely return to its upward trajectory in the near future.

Commenting on their recent success, Arnaldo Arnadson, CEO of Charts That Have A Big Arrow Squiggling Up Dot Com explained, “We’re very happy to see that charts with a big arrow squiggling upward are more popular than ever. I know some detractors have claimed these figures are false or that the chart is upside down, but if you take a look at this big chart here with an arrow squiggling upward you’ll see that that’s just not the case.”

The detractors to which Arnadson is eluding are likely the manufacturers of ‘charts with a big arrow squiggling down’ who once again reported record losses this quarter.

“Look I know an idiot when I sees one and Arnadson’s a grade-A idiot-a,” countered Darnaldo D. Darnadson. “The market’s down, down I tells ya! Here, just look at this chart that I happen to have with me:”

When it comes to graphs with big arrows squiggling in any direction it sure can be hard to know who to believe and that’s why this article is sponsored by big graphs with an arrow that just goes left to right, no change, no squiggles, nothing.

For decades graphs with an arrow that just goes straight across without changing have been consistently uneventful with zero fluctuation in price, success, or failure. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this graph.

Graphs with an arrow that just goes from left to right without going up or down at all are reliable, predictable, safe, sturdy, masculine and/or feminine. Bring one into your next board meeting and you’ll see a calm, confused silence enter the room. That’s what you can always expect from big arrow graph no change.

With a graph with an arrow that’s literally just a flat line you know what you’re in for. No surprise squiggles. No big statement, “Everything’s great!” or “Everything’s terrible!” just a blanket, “Nah. Things are the same, mate. Have a beer.”

So head on over to www.biggraphswithabigcartoonarrowthatgoeslefttorightbutdoesntfluctuateorsquiggleitjuststaysflatlikeperfectlyneutral.com and use the discount code ‘GREY’ for 0% off your first purchase. I’m sorry we can’t offer a real discount that would affect the graph.

The soon-to-be-inaugurated Donald Trump has announced his plan to make America great again, again, having already made it great the first time until that meddling Joe Biden ruined everything.

Trump’s new slogan MAGAA means that thousands of MAGA caps, stationary, and tattoos are out of date and will require an additional A or a full recall before Trump’s return to the White House.

Local seamstress, Francis Moira Okeland of the Yorkville Sewing Society has offered to sew on an additional A on all MAGA hats for anyone who pledges to include her in their will. This modern Betsy Ross is doing God’s work I tell you and I salute this woman harder than I salute the troops I say.

An additional A does however offset the MAGAA from the center so it looks terrible but don’t tell Francis that or it’ll break her little heart.

A new A is of course only a temporary fix as when Trump runs for his third term in 2029 another A will be required to spell out MAGAAA. Internet philosophers already predict that the slogan could potentially hold as many as 46 additional agains. In the near future, MAGA will likely no longer be a political slogan but a primal scream.

Kamala Harris (remember her?) contested Trump’s application of another ‘again’ claiming that Trump in fact failed to make America great again the first time around citing COVID and soaring milk costs. “As far as I can tell, he didn’t do it, Joe,” the Vice President explained in a now-deleted TikTok video.

Although #MAGAA is trending on Twitter, sorry I mean X, it remains unclear whether that is pronounced magAa or magaA. Whatever the pronunciation I’m just lucky to be alive after that hit-and-run last week. Sorry, it’s just been really on my mind lately. I mean, how are you supposed to just keep going knowing that you almost ran over a dog? Whatever. Not my problem now.

Anyways, yeah, so Trump’s got to reprint a bunch of hats and offer refunds to the ones he sold and I wonder if you can get a refund on a dog as well? Probably not. But like I say, they can add an A if you really want but you can’t bring the life of a beloved pet back.

Do you think Trump should go for a new slogan? Let us know in the comments below that we should have set up by the time this goes live. (If not, please leave a comment and we’ll get that fixed ASAPP! (as soon as possibly possible).)

In preparation for Donald Trump’s move back into the White House, Joe Biden has left behind an ancient mirror possessed by the spirit of former President Millard Fillmore for Trump to find.

Reportedly Biden had hoped to oversee a “smooth and peaceful” transition by destroying the antique, however, the spirit of Fillmore whispered to him that the no, the mirror must remain. The mirror has thus been left in the White House attic for Trump to likely stumble across when looking for the Christmas decorations.

Although Biden was planning on removing the mirror from the building and breaking the curse once and for all, the lure of eternal life was too much for the President to bear and he felt willed to leave the looking glass in place.

“I’ve left Donald a little present,” said Biden with a mischievous grin when asked about the move from the White House. “I think he’ll like it. It’s to die for.”

It is said that when a sitting President gazes into the mirror they can see ahead into the future of America but at the cost of ill health and a reduced lifespan. 16th President Millard Fillmore was supposedly the first President to discover the mirror and become entwined with its will. Upon his death, Fillmore’s spirit was consumed within the frame and now, as Biden refused to destroy the mirror, Joe too will receive the gift of eternal life but also the curse of being trapped within the mirror for the rest of his days.

A prophecy archived in the Library of Congress speaks of the one for whom the mirror has lain in wait for centuries. The prophecy reads, “I shine as bright as silver night, From powerful men I take their light, Should I meet a man of golden touch, Then all the earth shall be as dust.”

The exact meaning of the prophecy has long been debated but modern para-unusual scholarship has suggested that ‘a man of golden touch’ might refer to Donald Trump who famously likes things to be gold. It appears then that the evil mirror has been waiting to possess the soul of Donald Trump in particular in order to bring about the end of the world.

Little is known about why the mirror wants to do this or why it’s even evil in the first place but experts say that it is likely the work of the devil, forged in the fire of hell itself.

For the sake of all humanity then, hopefully, Trump will be strong enough to resist the enticing pull of the evil mirror but should he fail and should that shining glass take hold of his soul then we shall all be doomed.

Either way, should be an exciting next few weeks!

The United States Securities and Exchange Commission has filed a lawsuit against Elon Musk for disclosing shares in Twitter a matter of days after the government deadline to do so. If found guilty Musk will face a billion years in prison and be forced to revert X back to its original name: W.

And in COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS Elon has vowed to turn the ire of his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) on the SEC and have it completely dismantled.

“I don’t know why they need to earn commission on their exchanges,” X’d lifelong Elon Musk fan, Adrian Dittmann. “And ‘securities’? That’s a joke. They seem very UNsincere to me.”

It’s not clear if Elon will have the power to shut down the SEC since DOGE is not an actual government department and Elon has no actual power.

Back to the original, completely unrelated, story.

So, because Elon did not tell the SEC about his lil, teensy weensy 5%, 7% ok, maybe 9% stock he owned in Twitter he avoided a potential share bump before he bought it, meaning he bought it cheaper and the rest is unfortunately our hellhole of a present. Now this might constitute stock manipulation only time will tell…

BUT what if, and I’m just spitting on a ball here, what if the SEC doesn’t exist by the time the case is brought to trial? Obviously, these two events are COMPLETELY UNRELATED but then wouldn’t the lawsuit magically go away?

I’m no lawyer, clearly, but I’ve got a little feeling that’s exactly how the law works.

For example, if I get a virus on my computer I simply drag and drop the infected program into the trash can. And then it’s done. Can’t hurt me anymore.

I’m not saying Musk is dragging the SEC into a figurative trash can because again, THESE STORIES ARE COMPLETELY UNRELATED. But then again, if they weren’t… BUT THEY ARE NOT. But if they were… THEY ARE NOT. Though the could be… NO. But… NO!! Bu… NO, COMPLETELY UNRELATED, NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER, GO BACK TO SLEEP.

Musk’s lawyer Alex ‘the Dragon’ Spiro commented, “Musk has done nothing wrong… the SEC’s multi-year campaign of harassment against Mr. Musk culminated in the filing of a single-count ticky tak complaint against Mr. Musk.” I really didn’t need to include this quote I just really like that he says ‘ticky tak’. Who says that? Is that even a word?

This is all so much more messy than this anyway since this is Gary Gensler’s last chess move before falling on his sword so Trump doesn’t fire him instead. Include this in the fact that the events in question are over two years old and it’s not a great look for the Secure Exchanges Corporation.

During Trump’s presidency, the lawsuit could be dropped anyway, and Musk would really have DOGEd that one you could say. Heheheh. I make myself laugh.

Orrrr, and here’s a fun scenario, or Trump decides ‘actually, this guy’s really annoying and I still don’t understand what a meme is’ then keep the lawsuit in place and use it as a stick to ditch the guy. Or maybe! And I’m really fantasizing here, maybe the lawsuit happens, but Musk wins and that enables him to counter suit. The SEC goes broke paying the legal fees, he now has full ownership of the government department and Elon then wields that power to take the presidency! Oh, that’s clever. Yeah, ok, my money is on that happening now. (Again I am not a lawyer.)

How do you think this is going to play out? Let us know by leaving a comment below your pillow tonight and we’ll get back to you whilst your sleeping.

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