2025 | Wall Street Memes

Those nerds over at Meta/Facebook (AKA Facebook) just unveiled their latest attempt to make everyone look like complete nerds so the Meta nerds will look normal for once.

These “smart glasses” are powered by AI, have a full-color high-resolution display in one lens, have a 12-pixel camera and come in Ray-Ban and Oakley flavors too.

The demo was a little shaky, not fully working all the time, but when do regular glasses work all the time? I know that I sometimes have vision delays, I black out, blurry vision, I have visions of Mark Zuckerberg talking to me, yeah, maybe it’s the alcohol, but honestly, I think it’s my glasses glitching so I’m not going to deduct points for Marky Mark’s not working all the time.

GIVE ME THE ZUCK.

Sorry, I don’t know what came over me there…

Meta also unveiled a neural wristband that I don’t know what it does. You don’t have neurons in your wrist. Even I’m not a neuroscience expert and I know that.

Oh, ok, it pairs with the glasses and turns your gestures into commands. Like a keyboard, but you can’t lick it.

The glasses retail for like $300, depending on which brand you get.

Let’s wait and see if we’ll all be looking like nerds pinching air in the next few years or if we’ll just stick to tapping at little pocket mirrors. Could be the future? Could be.

Alright, that’ll do.

For more Meta news, click here: Facebook Asks Workers Not To Breathe On Company Time, Please

In a development that in no way means anything, a giant golden statue of Donald Trump has been erected (lol) in Washington.

The statue is the work of the Donald J. Trump Golden Statue project, a group of cryptocurrency investors whose purpose remains unclear. Probs erecting (lol) a golden statue of Donald J. Trump.

Oh wait, they explained it, “This statue stands as a tribute to Trump’s visionary leadership and unwavering commitment to advancing the future of finance through Bitcoin and decentralized technologies.”

OK, fine, so it’s just a golden idol, nothing to worry about. Definitely not the end of the world or anything.

Oop, no, hold on, they’ve released a token alongside it, the DJTGST token. Ok, so it’s an advert for a meme coin. Which, btw, peaked at $300,000 dollars in real money. Almost enough to pay for a real gold statue.

The statue is, of course, not real gold, but the colour was chosen because it just so happens to be Trump’s favorite color. And just because it’s gold doesn’t mean it’s money, DOESN’T MEAN THIS STATUE CONSTITUTES A BRIBE!!

It’s not a bribe, ok?

The statue made a big splash on X (I mean, it’s heavy, it’s going to make a big splash), with opinions going both ways, but it hasn’t seemed to have made much of an impression beyond that. Given that Trump’s overseas atm, it’s unclear if he’s even seen it.

I’m still holding out for a cute pic of the two, tho, that would be fun.

Anyway, that’s about all on that. If you’d like more gold news, you can read this story: Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Intel’s struggling to stay afloat and has already sold off some 10% to the US Government (some how). Now it’s looking like their next biggest rival Nvidia will cut out a chunk from the company to the tune of $5 billion, about 4% of the company making it one of the largest shareholders.

I guess Nvidia doesn’t have a chip its shoulder…

Intel instantly got a boost from the purchase so that’s good but who’s to say if this represents the beginning of an upswing for the corp or it’s the start of the company being sold off for parts.

And honestly, I don’t know how this works, like, isn’t this a conflict of interest? I really don’t understand how any of this works. What am I doing here?

The new pact is for Intel and Nvidia to develop data centres together, hand in hand, like nothing ever happened.

This new alliance could represent a threat to rival chip makers AMD, TSMC, and KFC who might now face the combined might of the two biggest chip manufacturers combined.

Ooh, maybe they’ll rebrand, let’s brainstorm names:

INvidia

That’s quite could, no need to change the pronunciation or anything, smooth and easy.

Nvtel

Ngl, that’s pretty shit. Basically illegible. Not sure what we’re even achieving there.

Nvidiatel

The maximalist option. Corporate boring. 6/10.

Nvidia-Intel

Probably the option they’d actually go with. Boring. Sucks. I hate it.

Intel-Nvidia

Not going to happen. Nvidia have the power, 100% they’ll put themselves first.

Chip Boys

I’m just putting it out there, they should go with something else, something brand new no one’s expecting. My vote is Chip Boys, but Chip Brothers, Chip Men, something along those lines, that would be cool.

More on this story here: Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

Yeah, we’re probably not getting that future you imagined with flying cars, jetpacks and infinite ice cream any time soon…

During a rehearsal for a Chinese airshow last week, two flying cars crashed into each other after one of them didn’t use its flying turn signals correctly at a flying stop sign.

One car caught fire, and a pilot was injured, so actually, you’re not allowed to make jokes about this.

Damn, only two flying cars in the whole world, and somehow they crashed into each other? What are the odds?

This reminds me of how in 1895 there were only two cars in the whole state of Ohio and SOMEHOW they crashed into each o… oh, oh wait I’ve just looked it up and apparently that never happened.

Well, either way, this real story is 100% what someone would come up with if they were asked to think of a sci-fi version of the same story. “In 2025, there were only two flying cars in the whole state of China and SOMEHOW they crashed into each other. Lol.”

The crash could be the biggest setback for flying cars since someone cut together all that old-timey footage of people peddling bicycles with flapping wings off cliffs. That’s great news for people with a fear of flying, but bad news for Elon Musk, who had a whole 5-year plan set out to turn the world into an episode of The Jetsons.

Year One: Tesla’s self-driving electric cars become the only form of transportation.

Year Two: Tesla’s self-driving electric cars reveal a secret rocket booster underneath that they had hidden the whole time and then they take off and then they fly and then it’s super cool.

Year Three: With the profits from the flying cars, give everyone jetpacks.

Year Four: Self-drive all the illegal immigrants in their flying cars and jetpacks out of America and up to Mars.

Year Five: Having solved all of America’s problems, they will have to make me the President of the United States of America.

Unfortunately the Tesla CEO will be forced to rip up this crayon-doodled napkin and start again.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, flying car crash.

For more news that sounds like science fiction but is 100% true, click here: Katy Perry Struggling To Readjust To Life On Earth, “Space Is My True Home Now”

Yeah, we’re due for a crash.

According to Reuters and literally anyone you ask on the street, the housing market is as unaffordable as it’s ever been.

Things aren’t changing soon either with that Reuters report saying that rates are slowing other rates so the rate of those rates returning aren’t highly rated.

Here, take a look for yourself: “Persistent supply shortages and stretched affordability have kept most first-time buyers on the sidelines with existing homeowners reluctant to sell properties financed at mortgage rates below 4%, further choking activity,” they said.

Phhhhtttffff, not sure what to do about that then. I mean, I’m happy with my cardboard box for now, yeah, my landlord’s shit and refuses to demould my flaps but what do you expect for $2000 a month?

House prices are expected to go up by 2.1% this year and just 1.3% next year which you know are real numbers because they have a decimal in them.

Oh that reminds me of some other dire house-financial news from back in June, I feel like I can just recycle that to up the word count here, right? No one’s actually reading these right? Ok, here it is:

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

Woke ice cream manufacturer ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ will soon be dropping the iconic ‘Jerry’ part after woke co-founder Jerry Greenfield quit the company over some woke BS.

“It’s woke or broke,” quipped my dad in reaction to the news, and I thought that was pretty funny, so I said I’d write it into the article and give him a shout-out.

The company initially planned to rename the famed ice cream brand just ‘Ben’s’ but that was already taken by ‘Uncle Ben’s’, which rebranded a few years ago to just ‘Ben’s’ because the word ‘uncle’ is racist now.

Ben & Jerry’s? More Like Peanutbutter And Jelly

This all began when jerry and ben sold the ‘Sloppy BJ Cream Corp’ to Unilever in 2000 but insisted that they would be able to stay woke. (BJs have always been woke, they love the gays etc.)

BUT Unilever reneged on this promise in 2021 when B&J refused to sell in Israeli-occupied Palestine, prompting backlash from BJ-cream-hungry Israelis and Unilever said that was one woke too far.

BJ then sued Unilever last year for stopping them from posting pro-Palestine-abortion-climate-change-universal-healthcare-anti-trump online messages and then also Unilever fired a CEO for progressive comments. Allegedly. Please don’t fire me.

Magnum is being spun off from Unilever anyways so BJ asked last week if, whilst they’re spinning anyways they could just spin a little more and spin off a BJ too. But it’s too late BJ, you already sold your soul and you should have foreseen these exact circumstances happening 25 years later.

It’s unclear what Jerry will do next with his newfound free time but will potentially start his own rival ice cream business called, “Not Ben, Just Jerry’s” with no ice cream and just the cookie dough. AKA: a license to print money.

For more food/politics news, read this one: Coca-Cola To Change Recipe Back To Cocaine, Trump Takes Credit

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The United States Federal Reserve Of Money (USFROM) finally bowed to mounting pressure and cut interest rates for the first time since December 2024. Rates are now between 4% and 4.25%. Damn, so nearly blazed it.

There was a nine-month pause in rate cuts while the Fed waited for the dust to settle on Trump’s new economic policies. But the dust has never really settled, and banks have been getting impatient, so the Fed just went ahead anyway.

Trump has long been publicly unhappy about the delay, pushing for a rate cut to signal confidence in his leadership. Rather than taking steps to encourage confidence in his leadership, Trump resorted to threats and bullying, neither of which worked… until now, maybe?

Just A Little Bit Off The Top, Please

This is such a tepid reduction, it’s hardly a seal of approval. Merely a “risk management cut”, as Fed Chairman Jerome Powell described it. Beyond that, “It’s not incredibly obvious what to do.” A great thing to hear from the guy in charge.

JP said there could be more cuts to come, with one penciled in for later this year, hinting at a bullish future for the markets. But that’s just a hint.

Jay-Dog went on to say, “We have to live life looking through the windshield rather than the rearview mirror,” while stroking his long beard and becoming one with the universe.

There’s A Mole On The Inside

Not everyone stepped in line with Jay-Jay’s decision. One dissenter pushed for a bigger cut of a MASSIVE half-point cut. Oh, I wonder who that could have been? Oh, look, it’s the Trump-appointed Fed Governor Stephen Miran, sworn in just before the meeting. Surprise. SURPRISE.

Jeromey called the labor market one of “Low hiring and low firing,” but that’s coming from a man desperate to not get fired so I’m not sure how much I buy it.

“The concern is that if you start to see layoffs, there won’t be a lot of hiring going on,” he explained. So that’s a big reason for the cut, get unemployment back up without destabilizing prices.

Man, rock and hard place.

We’ll be monitoring this story closer ad not just because I’ve got money riding on this. Watch this space.

For more on this story, read this one: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Turns out cops really do like donuts…

Where do you think this story starts? Where do you think the most likely place for a discussion on Krispy Kreme (pronounced ‘crispy creams’) donuts is? If you guessed “during a House Judiciary Committee meeting on the Epstein files,” congratulations, 11.5 points to you.

For some reason, FBI Director Kash Patel was asked during his testimony on Epstein about buying individual stocks like ON Semiconductor (ON) and Krispy Kreme (DNUT) (no, really).

Patel explained that, “Generally speaking, before I got this job, I was trading stocks, but not a lot like most people. I just follow certain industries, and I thought they would be a good investment.”

Translation: “Me likey donuts.”

Krispy Kreme economics — ‘Donut Economics’ explained… wait, this has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, where did you find this graphic?

Kash’s Krispy Kreme glazing was enough for the donut shop stocks to soar 11.5%. Turns out, though, just like a donut, this was a hollow rally. The end of the day erased all gains, leaving the index just 0.96% higher than before. So yeah, probably not a big insider trading conspiracy.

This isn’t the first rally this year for the North-Carolinian company. In July shares got an extra filling of 26.7% seemingly from a meme-stock rally. Overall however, shares are down 68% this year, so never mind.

But for Kash this has been a savvy investment. He put in between $15,000 to $50,000 into the company in May and since then stocks have climbed 15%.

Nice one, Kash.

‘Krispy Kreme’? More like ‘Krispy Insider Trading’

Similarly his $50,000-$100,000 in ON have gone up 12%. Shit, this guy’s in the wrong career and not just because he’s a bad FBI director.

This Krispy bump is just another example of this current era of meme stocks and hype ruling the markets. As Steve Sosnick, from Interactive Brokers explains: “It’s emblematic of the approach that a lot of speculators have to the market and how they will jump on any piece of positive-sounding news and how that can create self-fulfilling rallies, at least in the short term.”

“The reaction just shows you the level of froth in the market… the rally basically faded almost as quickly as it started, because it was based really on not much… There’s a difference between investing and just sort of chasing stories, and this falls into the latter.”

So let that be a lesson to you.

For more stock news, read this one: After Failure Of ‘Up’ And ‘Down’, Trump To Trial Secret ‘Third Direction’ For Markets

An activist investor on the Tesla board proposed a vote to forbid leadership from making political statements, endorsements, and contributions, but it was shot down by the rest of the board after they ran crying to mom (the Securities Exchange Commission).

The SEC ruled that the board didn’t have to bring the vote to investors, which is great because does Tesla know who their boss is? Boy, that could have been awkward.

The proposer of the vote, Jay Butera, said that he didn’t want to see Tesla, “Jeopardized by unnecessary forays into the endless friction of human politics.” As opposed to what other kind of politics? What is he, an alien? “The Tesla brand, and its mission, should stay above that fray.”

Butera is, of course, alluding to their noble and glorious leader, Elon Musk, whose recent foray into the endless friction of human politics has left the Tesla brand irreparably dragged into the fray. Tesla stock took some hits way back when he decided to staple himself to President Donald Trump. Then it took some more hits when he decided to rip himself away from Trump and form his own political party? What, why?

Yeah, definitely the sort of thing that an electric car company CEO should be up to.

So Butera’s proposal might have been savvy but what are you going to do? Piss off the guy who invented electricity? The guy you just gave a trillion dollars to? No, bad idea.

Either way, Tesla’s a public company and right or wrong, the SEC called the move an attempt by the board to micromanage the company through investor votes. So maybe fair’s fair.

“Calling the proposal ‘micro-management’ seems ironic because my proposal was trying to address a nearly existential problem for the company,” said Butera. Oh, shit, that’s a good point too. Ok, well now I don’t know what to believe. Boy, this whole story’s been a roller coaster hasn’t it?

Who’s to know what will happen next. It seems unlikely that Elon will run in the next election mostly because it’s illegal but maybe if he can befriend the President after Trump (probably Trump again) maybe he can persuade him to change the law and make it not illegal for South Africans to run.

#MuskVance2028

For more on who’ll be our next President, read this: White House To Start Using Grok, MechaHitler To Run In 2028