Author: Bill Fold

At precisely 11:59 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, a group of hoodie-clad crypto enthusiasts raised their craft IPAs, clinked glasses, and confidently declared that next year would finally be “the real bull run,” marking the sixth consecutive year the same prediction has been made with unwavering conviction.

“Bro, it’s all lining up,” said Mark “DiamondHands” Reynolds, gesturing at a laptop displaying six tabs of half-understood charts, two paused YouTube videos titled WHY THIS CYCLE IS DIFFERENT, and a wallet balance he described as “temporarily misunderstood.” “Last year was just accumulation. And the year before that. And the year before that. But this year? This year is different.”

The annual ritual, now considered a sacred tradition in crypto circles, involves revisiting old tweets, deleting price predictions from the previous January, and announcing on social media that “the weak hands are shaken out.” According to attendees, the bull run was delayed this time due to a complex mix of macroeconomic conditions, bad vibes, mainstream media, and “people who just don’t get it.”

“This is basically 2017 all over again,” explained another attendee, while refusing to specify which part of 2017. “Institutions are coming. Retail is coming back. My cousin is thinking about NFTs again. You don’t see signals clearer than that.”

The toast itself was accompanied by a PowerPoint presentation titled Roadmap to Financial Freedom (Final_v9_REAL_FINAL_THIS_ONE.pdf), which outlined an ambitious plan involving dollar-cost averaging, passive income from staking, and retiring by 32—just as soon as the market “wakes up.”

Veterans of the group acknowledged that optimism has remained impressively stable despite prices fluctuating wildly, projects disappearing overnight, and several members quietly rejoining the workforce.

“Yeah, okay, I took a job again,” admitted Reynolds. “But that’s just to stay liquid for the dip before the rip. Totally strategic.”

Several crypto bros also emphasized that they are “early,” a term here defined as “any time before personal financial success.” One member proudly noted that while his portfolio is down 87%, his conviction is up “at least 300%.”

Critics outside the group have questioned whether the bull run might be more metaphorical than financial at this point. Crypto bros quickly dismissed such concerns, pointing out that the four-year cycle, the halving, the supercycle, the inverse head-and-shoulders, and “a guy on Twitter with laser eyes” all agree that patience will soon be rewarded.

As midnight struck, the group shouted their traditional chant: “WAGMI!”—short for We’re All Gonna Make It, a phrase that has aged like milk yet continues to be spoken with the enthusiasm of a startup pitch deck.

At press time, several members were already drafting tweets explaining why the bull run didn’t start on January 1 after all, but will definitely begin “mid-Q2 at the latest.”

“Just zoom out,” Reynolds said calmly, as his screen refreshed to show another red candle. “Long-term, this is generational wealth.”

The group then agreed to reconvene next year to celebrate the next next year’s bull run, confident that eventually, statistically speaking, they’ll be right.