Month: November 2023

Washington, D.C. — As President Joe Biden celebrates his 81st birthday, a group of innovative geologists have proposed a groundbreaking method to measure his age: wind erosion analysis. This unconventional approach, typically used for dating cliffs and mineral deposits, is now being hailed as the next big thing in presidential age assessment.

“The method has proven incredibly accurate for aging fossils, so it only makes sense to apply it to the President,” stated Dr. Sandy Rockwell, a leading geologist known for her work in sedimentary structures. “Our team has been closely monitoring the effects of wind erosion on President Biden, and the results are promising.”

The proposal, while met with some skepticism, has sparked interest in various scientific communities. Experts in geomorphology have already begun developing models to correlate the President’s exposure to natural elements with his age, citing that the technique could revolutionize how we view aging in political figures.

Not to be outdone, dendrochronologists have come forward with their unique method of age determination. “If we take a cross-section of the President, we could theoretically count the rings to determine his age, much like we do with trees,” explained Dr. Woody Barkman, a specialist in tree-ring dating. “While the practical application of this method might be challenging, the science behind it is solid.”

Amid these scientific breakthroughs, the White House has yet to issue an official response. Sources close to the administration, however, reveal that President Biden is amused by the creative methods proposed by the scientific community.

As the debate continues, one thing remains clear: the age of President Biden has become a topic of national interest, transcending traditional boundaries and entering the realms of both science and satire.

In what experts are calling a “revolutionary simplification” of healthcare, the U.S. government has unveiled its new healthcare strategy, aptly named “Just Walk It Off.” This groundbreaking plan transforms the complex web of healthcare policies into a single, straightforward directive: when in doubt, walk out.

The “Walk it Off” plan aims to kill two birds with one stone. The average US hospital bill is $12,974, and over 870,000 hospital visits are related to obesity. The proposed new bill will tackle both of these issues head on.

The Secretary of Health, in a recent press conference, stated, “From sprained ankles to stress, our policy recommends a brisk walk. It’s an all-encompassing solution, blending cost-efficiency with an active lifestyle.”

This novel approach has stirred a mixed pot of reactions. Critics argue that it dangerously oversimplifies healthcare needs, while supporters applaud its uncomplicated nature. “Gone are the days of deciphering insurance plans. Just lace up those sneakers and hit the pavement,” said a government spokesperson.

In line with the new policy, walking tracks, labeled ‘Healthways,’ are set to spring up nationwide. The government also announced a retraining program for medical professionals, converting traditional doctors into ‘Walking Coaches.’ These coaches will specialize in offering motivational chants and tracking step counts rather than medical prescriptions.

An anonymous official joked, “If you think you’re having a heart attack, just walk faster. That should pump the blood more efficiently, right?”

When queried about handling serious illnesses, the Secretary responded, “Our research indicates a good walk might not cure cancer, but it’ll definitely get your mind off it. For those insistent on traditional treatment, we suggest jogging as an alternative.”

Rumor has it that deals are already in the works with Nike and Taylor Swift to provide “Just Walk it Off” soundtrack and footwear.

The plan, albeit met with skepticism, has found some earnest supporters. “I walked off my last flu,” claimed a self-proclaimed health guru. “Sure, it took three weeks longer to recover, but think of the calories burned!”

Doctors have voiced concerns, with one commenting, “Next, they’ll suggest we walk to the moon to cure insomnia.”

As the nation prepares to embrace this ‘one-step solution,’ the government remains optimistic. “It’s a stride towards health liberation,” the Secretary said, concluding the press conference while briskly walking in place. “Remember, America, just walk it off – unless it’s a broken leg, then maybe hop.”

The Biden-Harris administration heralds its new flagship student loan repayment plan as one of the “most affordable” to ever exist. Aimed at lowering monthly payments for millions of borrowers, the “Saving on A Valuable Education” or SAVE initiative even sets payments to $0 for some students (They may have read our guide to student loans).

On the flip side, the Republicans were quick to bash the plan, tagging it as a “free college scheme”. In September, Senator Bill Cassidy introduced a joint resolution with other congressional Republicans to overturn Biden’s “reckless income-driven repayment (IDR) rule”.

According to them, the SAVE scheme could leave taxpayers on the hook for as much as $559 billion, making it the costliest regulation in US history. In the Congressional Review Act (CRA) resolution, the conservative critics argued that the Biden administration was just promoting the SAVE scheme “as a solution to America’s broken student loan system”:

“The only difference between President Biden and a snake oil salesman is a title……In reality, the SAVE scheme is a desperate effort to curry favor and buy votes ahead of the next election.

On late Wednesday, the Senate floor heard Cassidy commenting on the plan saying: “Where is the forgiveness for the guy who didn’t go to college but is working to pay off the loan on the truck he takes to work? This is irresponsible. It is deeply unfair.”

However, the Democrat-controlled Senate managed to narrowly strike down this Republican-led effort. They voted majoritarily along party lines in a 49-50 vote, making the latest challenge to Biden’s generous repayment plan null and void. 

On the occasion of the measure failing to pass the house, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer said:  “I’m very glad this chamber had the good sense to defeat it. This is a real victory for our young people and for the future of America.”

Earlier in the same week, the President had indicated in a memo that he would veto the joint resolution anyway in case it passes Congress and reaches his desk. 

The new repayment plan has already attracted nearly 5.5 million borrowers, according to the Education department as of November. Out of this, about 2.9 million have their payments set at $0. The interest for borrowers and base monthly loan repayments are capped according to their incomes and family sizes. 

The press release further stated that the borrowers enrolled in SAVE are saving an estimated $102 a month ($1,224 a year) compared to what they would have paid on the Revised Pay As You Earn (REPAYE) plan. Calling this the “most affordable repayment plan ever”, Education Secretary, Miguel Cardona, was quoted as saying:

“Under President Biden, the Department created the SAVE Plan so that young people and working families can climb the economic ladder without unaffordable student loan debt weighing them down. I’m thrilled to see that in less than three months, nearly 5.5 million Americans in every community across the country are taking advantage of the SAVE Plan’s many benefits, from lower monthly payments to protection from runaway student loan interest.”