BREAKING: Biden’s Age Now Determined by Wind Erosion

Washington, D.C. — As President Joe Biden celebrates his 81st birthday, a group of innovative geologists have proposed a groundbreaking method to measure his age: wind erosion analysis. This unconventional approach, typically used for dating cliffs and mineral deposits, is now being hailed as the next big thing in presidential age assessment.

“The method has proven incredibly accurate for aging fossils, so it only makes sense to apply it to the President,” stated Dr. Sandy Rockwell, a leading geologist known for her work in sedimentary structures. “Our team has been closely monitoring the effects of wind erosion on President Biden, and the results are promising.”

The proposal, while met with some skepticism, has sparked interest in various scientific communities. Experts in geomorphology have already begun developing models to correlate the President’s exposure to natural elements with his age, citing that the technique could revolutionize how we view aging in political figures.

Not to be outdone, dendrochronologists have come forward with their unique method of age determination. “If we take a cross-section of the President, we could theoretically count the rings to determine his age, much like we do with trees,” explained Dr. Woody Barkman, a specialist in tree-ring dating. “While the practical application of this method might be challenging, the science behind it is solid.”

Amid these scientific breakthroughs, the White House has yet to issue an official response. Sources close to the administration, however, reveal that President Biden is amused by the creative methods proposed by the scientific community.

As the debate continues, one thing remains clear: the age of President Biden has become a topic of national interest, transcending traditional boundaries and entering the realms of both science and satire.

Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

In what experts are calling a “revolutionary simplification” of healthcare, the U.S. government has unveiled its new healthcare strategy, aptly named “Just Walk It Off.” This groundbreaking plan transforms the complex web of healthcare policies into a single, straightforward directive: when in doubt, walk out.

The “Walk it Off” plan aims to kill two birds with one stone. The average US hospital bill is $12,974, and over 870,000 hospital visits are related to obesity. The proposed new bill will tackle both of these issues head on.

The Secretary of Health, in a recent press conference, stated, “From sprained ankles to stress, our policy recommends a brisk walk. It’s an all-encompassing solution, blending cost-efficiency with an active lifestyle.”

This novel approach has stirred a mixed pot of reactions. Critics argue that it dangerously oversimplifies healthcare needs, while supporters applaud its uncomplicated nature. “Gone are the days of deciphering insurance plans. Just lace up those sneakers and hit the pavement,” said a government spokesperson.

In line with the new policy, walking tracks, labeled ‘Healthways,’ are set to spring up nationwide. The government also announced a retraining program for medical professionals, converting traditional doctors into ‘Walking Coaches.’ These coaches will specialize in offering motivational chants and tracking step counts rather than medical prescriptions.

An anonymous official joked, “If you think you’re having a heart attack, just walk faster. That should pump the blood more efficiently, right?”

When queried about handling serious illnesses, the Secretary responded, “Our research indicates a good walk might not cure cancer, but it’ll definitely get your mind off it. For those insistent on traditional treatment, we suggest jogging as an alternative.”

Rumor has it that deals are already in the works with Nike and Taylor Swift to provide “Just Walk it Off” soundtrack and footwear.

The plan, albeit met with skepticism, has found some earnest supporters. “I walked off my last flu,” claimed a self-proclaimed health guru. “Sure, it took three weeks longer to recover, but think of the calories burned!”

Doctors have voiced concerns, with one commenting, “Next, they’ll suggest we walk to the moon to cure insomnia.”

As the nation prepares to embrace this ‘one-step solution,’ the government remains optimistic. “It’s a stride towards health liberation,” the Secretary said, concluding the press conference while briskly walking in place. “Remember, America, just walk it off – unless it’s a broken leg, then maybe hop.”

How to Assert Dominance at Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving, a time for gratitude, family, and, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, a chance to assert your dominance at the dinner table. Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable impression this holiday season.

Unleash Your Hustlers University Knowledge

Begin by giving everyone, from your wide-eyed nephew to your dozing grandpa, an unsolicited, detailed lecture on your Hustlers University course. Explain every module, every assignment, and especially your groundbreaking thoughts on the future of e-commerce. The goal is to make them wish they had never asked, “So, what have you been up to?”

Convert Aunt Ethel to Crypto 

Next, target Aunt Ethel. Use the lull between the appetizer and the turkey to explain why she should invest her retirement savings in cryptocurrency. Ignore her confusion and pepper your monologue with terms like ‘blockchain’ and ‘NFTs’. Remember, the less she understands, the more successful you are.

Teabag the Gravy

It’s a risk – both from a logistical and personal injury standpoint – but if you want to assert ultimate thanksgiving dominance, drop trou and let your boys take a swim in the gravy. It’ll fill you with confidence at the dinner table as you pass on gravy, and add some extra umami flavor to the jus.

Flash Your P&L Constantly

As the turkey makes its rounds, so should your phone, with its open profit and loss statements. Make sure everyone sees how much of a financial guru you are (or aren’t). If someone tries to change the subject, bring it back with a “But have you seen my latest trades?”

Lead with Edgy Political Discussions

With everyone trying to digest their meal, drop a bombshell like, “So the Israelis are kinda nuts, right?” and watch the peaceful dinner transform into a heated political debate. Your job is to stir the pot, not to solve the Middle East crisis.

Regurgitate Jordan Peterson

As dessert arrives, it’s time to regurgitate all the Jordan Peterson content you’ve consumed. Mix his ideas with your personal life lessons, leaving your relatives to wonder if you’re a philosopher or just lost in your thoughts.

So there you have it—a foolproof guide to asserting your dominance at Thanksgiving dinner. Just remember, this approach may also assert your place at the ‘not invited next year’ list.

How to Prepare for Black Friday: A Shopper’s Guide to Survival

In the  wild world of retail, Black Friday is the ultimate showdown. We’ve scoured the internet to find experts on how to survive Black Friday, from animal behaviorists to survival experts. So strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for Black Friday.

1. Limber Up: The Pre-Shop Stretch

Before you even think about braving the concrete jungle of Best Buy, remember: flexibility is key. We’re not just talking about your budget. A full pre-shopping stretch session is crucial. You don’t want to pull a hamstring lunging for the last PS5. Yoga, pilates, interpretive dance – whatever gets those muscles loose for the ensuing battle.

2. Buddy Up

Everything’s better with friends, including choking out an elderly woman for the last toaster on the shelf. Bring a buddy, or better yet, a whole entourage. They can form a human shield while you grab the goods, or at least document your shopping heroics for social clout.

3. Mark Your Territory

It’s a timeless law of nature. If you piss on it, it belongs to you. Go crazy, get one of those hydration packs and just pee on anything that you want- hell pee on stuff you only might want. It’s worth noting two things about this method. Firstly, don’t pee on anything that’s plugged in or wired. Secondly, some stores may look down on this behavior, but just tell them you self-identify as a wolf and you should be golden.

4. Arm Yourself

It’s every American’s right to bear arms. So get strapped. There’s nothing that asserts dominance in the aisles of Walmart than strolling in like Neo at the  end of the first Matrix movie. As it’s every American citizen’s right to bear arms, you may encounter other groups, which could lead to a Mexican standoff. Basically it’s a win-win.

Conclusion: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart 

Black Friday is not for the faint of heart. If this guide seems a bit extreme, well, maybe online shopping from the comfort of your couch is more your speed. No judgment here – those flash sales can be just as exhilarating, and the only thing you risk pulling is a muscle reaching for your credit card.

OpenAI Installs Giant Revolving Door to Facilitate Smooth Staff Transition to Microsoft

In a move that industry analysts are calling “practically literal,” OpenAI has installed an oversized revolving door at its headquarters, easing the transition for the 75% of its staff reportedly planning to join former CEO Sam Altman at Microsoft.

The new door, which OpenAI’s interim CEO insists is “merely coincidental” to the mass staff exodus, is designed to accommodate the swift and seamless transfer of employees between the two tech giants. Sources say the door is equipped with Microsoft’s latest facial recognition technology to ensure that only OpenAI staff with confirmed Microsoft job offers can pass through.

“We saw the writing on the wall,” said an OpenAI spokesperson, “and we figured, why not make it a literal giant door? It’s all about efficiency.”

In an unexpected twist, the door also seems to be reversing direction occasionally. “We’ve had a few Microsoft employees come through looking confused,” the spokesperson added. “They thought this was the new AI division Sam was heading up. We had to gently guide them back through the revolving door to their Uber.”

Microsoft, in a show of solidarity, has reportedly installed a matching door at its own AI division headquarters. “It’s like a portal between companies,” said a Microsoft insider. “One moment you’re developing cutting-edge AI at OpenAI, and the next, you’re doing it at Microsoft. All it takes is a step through the magic revolving door.”

The revolving door, while practical, has not been without its challenges. “We had a minor issue where the door spun too fast and accidentally sent an OpenAI data scientist to the cafeteria instead of Microsoft,” the OpenAI spokesperson revealed. “But we’re working out the kinks.”

OpenAI’s latest innovation has not gone unnoticed by the rest of Silicon Valley. Rumor has it that other tech companies are considering similar installations. “It’s the future of employee mobility,” an industry analyst commented. “Why resign via email when you can just walk through a door?”

In a statement, Sam Altman praised the initiative: “This revolving door symbolizes the fluidity and dynamism of the tech industry. Plus, it’s pretty fun to walk through.”

As more OpenAI staff make their way through the revolving door, the only question that remains is: Will it spin in the other direction should they choose to return? “We’re keeping our options open,” said the OpenAI spokesperson, with a wink. “After all, it’s a revolving door.”

Biden Introduces Affordable Student Loan Plan: Pay Back $0 a Month

The Biden-Harris administration heralds its new flagship student loan repayment plan as one of the “most affordable” to ever exist. Aimed at lowering monthly payments for millions of borrowers, the “Saving on A Valuable Education” or SAVE initiative even sets payments to $0 for some students (They may have read our guide to student loans).

On the flip side, the Republicans were quick to bash the plan, tagging it as a “free college scheme”. In September, Senator Bill Cassidy introduced a joint resolution with other congressional Republicans to overturn Biden’s “reckless income-driven repayment (IDR) rule”.

According to them, the SAVE scheme could leave taxpayers on the hook for as much as $559 billion, making it the costliest regulation in US history. In the Congressional Review Act (CRA) resolution, the conservative critics argued that the Biden administration was just promoting the SAVE scheme “as a solution to America’s broken student loan system”:

“The only difference between President Biden and a snake oil salesman is a title……In reality, the SAVE scheme is a desperate effort to curry favor and buy votes ahead of the next election.

On late Wednesday, the Senate floor heard Cassidy commenting on the plan saying: “Where is the forgiveness for the guy who didn’t go to college but is working to pay off the loan on the truck he takes to work? This is irresponsible. It is deeply unfair.”

However, the Democrat-controlled Senate managed to narrowly strike down this Republican-led effort. They voted majoritarily along party lines in a 49-50 vote, making the latest challenge to Biden’s generous repayment plan null and void. 

On the occasion of the measure failing to pass the house, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer said:  “I’m very glad this chamber had the good sense to defeat it. This is a real victory for our young people and for the future of America.”

Earlier in the same week, the President had indicated in a memo that he would veto the joint resolution anyway in case it passes Congress and reaches his desk. 

The new repayment plan has already attracted nearly 5.5 million borrowers, according to the Education department as of November. Out of this, about 2.9 million have their payments set at $0. The interest for borrowers and base monthly loan repayments are capped according to their incomes and family sizes. 

The press release further stated that the borrowers enrolled in SAVE are saving an estimated $102 a month ($1,224 a year) compared to what they would have paid on the Revised Pay As You Earn (REPAYE) plan. Calling this the “most affordable repayment plan ever”, Education Secretary, Miguel Cardona, was quoted as saying:

“Under President Biden, the Department created the SAVE Plan so that young people and working families can climb the economic ladder without unaffordable student loan debt weighing them down. I’m thrilled to see that in less than three months, nearly 5.5 million Americans in every community across the country are taking advantage of the SAVE Plan’s many benefits, from lower monthly payments to protection from runaway student loan interest.”

Gensler Physically Trapped in Office by Pile of Bitcoin ETF Applications

SEC Chairman Gary Gensler found himself confined to his office today, not by the usual bureaucratic red tape, but by a literal wall of Bitcoin ETF applications. 

Sources say the stack, comprising hundreds of applications, has reached such heights that it’s now blocking his office door.

As of the latest ETF-fueled crypto price pump on Thursday, the number of Bitcoin ETF applications awaiting SEC approval had reached a staggering count, rivaling the number of crypto memes on the internet. 

This pileup took a comical turn this morning when Gensler discovered he was literally barricaded in his office by a mountain of paperwork.

Among the applications are some creatively named funds such as the ‘Moonshot Bitcoin Bonanza ETF’, ‘Crypto Rollercoaster Ultra Fund’, and the ‘Blockchain Extravaganza Mega ETF’. An anonymous source added: “There’s even one called the ‘When Lambo Bitcoin Fund’, and we can’t tell if it’s serious or someone’s idea of a joke.”

The SEC, known for its stringent review process, has been under increasing pressure to approve a Bitcoin ETF, a financial product that would track the price of Bitcoin and theoretically make investing in the cryptocurrency more accessible to the general public. However, the approval process appears to be moving at the speed of a sloth riding a turtle.

In a phone interview, a slightly flustered aid remarked: “I thought I’d seen it all, but this is something else. Gary is considering an escape through the window, but he’s on the fifth floor. Maybe we’ll start approving these applications to make a path to freedom.”

As the clock ticks on, Gensler remains holed up in his office, reportedly surviving on a stash of emergency granola bars and water. Meanwhile, Bitcoin enthusiasts and investors are holding their breath, wondering if this bizarre incident will expedite the ETF approval process. 

For now, the SEC chair’s predicament serves as a tangible (and slightly humorous) representation of the overwhelming interest and enthusiasm – and possible euphoria – in the current market, which is desperate for the next bull run to start.

Cramer Just Predicted a Market Rally. We’re Screwed.

Jim Cramer, the renowned CNBC personality known for his bold Wall Street and finance segments, might have just sealed our financial doom. Cramer, who has become a bit of a financial Cassandra (only in reverse), is infamous for his often misguided market predictions, leading to what many traders wryly refer to as the “inverse Cramer effect.” This curious phenomenon suggests a simple yet bizarre strategy: do the exact opposite of what Cramer recommends.

from Not Jerome Powell on x.com

This week, following the release of the Consumer Price Index (CPI) data that hinted at a decrease in inflation, Cramer took to his show with his usual flair. He made a bold prediction about Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell orchestrating a “soft landing” for the economy and spurred talks of an imminent market rally. Under normal circumstances, this would be cause for celebration. However, in the bizarro world of Cramer’s financial forecasting, this is the equivalent of sounding the alarm bells.

Why, you ask? Because Cramer’s track record reads like a how-to guide on being spectacularly wrong. His latest prophecy has left seasoned investors and market watchers in a state of high alert. The fear is palpable – if Cramer says up, history suggests the market is about to take a nosedive down.

So, what does this mean for the average Joe and Jane with their 401(k)s and modest portfolios? In the words of financial analysts who have learned to read the tea leaves of Cramer’s forecasts: brace yourselves. We might be on the cusp of not just a hard landing but a full-blown, buckle-your-seatbelts, hold-onto-your-hats, prolonged bear market, and potentially a recession that could make the 2008 financial crisis look like a hiccup.

In light of this, the new market mantra might just be “Cramer says buy; we say bye!” As unconventional as it sounds, in a world where up is down and left is right in the realm of financial predictions, doing the opposite of what Jim Cramer suggests could be the safest bet for your financial health. So, when Cramer says it’s time to rally, perhaps it’s really time to batten down the hatches and prepare for a financial storm.

Remember, in the topsy-turvy world of Wall Street, sometimes the best advice comes from the least expected places – like doing the exact opposite of what a famed finance guru suggests. So, as Cramer’s latest prediction of economic sunshine and rainbows makes the rounds, savvy investors might just be quietly whispering to themselves, “Sell everything.” Because, in the end, the inverse Cramer effect might be the most reliable financial advisor we’ve got.

Not financial advice.

Nation Celebrates Inflation Drop by Planning Black Friday Spending Spree

Recently released CPI figures show the United States has seen a remarkable decrease in inflation, primarily thanks to falling gasoline and used car prices. The streets are buzzing with joy, as citizens plan to commemorate this economic milestone by buying an additional 70 inch flat screen tv on Black Friday.

As the Labor Department released figures showing a soothing 3.2% inflation rate, down from the nerve-wracking 3.7% in September, Americans everywhere rejoiced. “It’s like getting a raise without having to do anything!” exclaimed one shopper, eyeing a new TV that’s still out of her budget.

The decline in inflation, attributed largely to the easing of pandemic-related supply chain issues, has led to an unexpected surge in consumer confidence. “I thought I’d never see the day when buying a slightly used sedan would feel like a steal,” said a local dad, who has been putting off replacing the family minivan for what feels like decades.

The core prices, which exclude those roller-coaster ride-like food and energy items, rose a modest 0.2%. Economists are hailing this as a victory, with some already nominating themselves for Nobel Prizes for their accurate, albeit constantly changing, predictions.

Barclays predicts a further decrease in inflation, but Americans seem to have a different plan. “Lower prices? Great, let’s buy more stuff we don’t need!” said a consumer, who just heard the news and is now planning a celebratory trip to the nearest electronics store.

As for gasoline prices dropping by 5%, families are already planning their next road trip. “Who cares if we have nowhere to go? Gas is cheap!” said a mom, as she started packing for a trip to a destination to be decided later.

The Federal Reserve, witnessing this euphoria, is contemplating whether to raise interest rates just to dampen the party. “We can’t have too much fun now, can we?” joked a Fed official,  as the money printers slowed down in the background..

As the nation grapples with this newfound economic ‘stability’, citizens are gearing up to do what they do best – spend money in celebration, because what better way to combat lower inflation than by trying to single-handedly raise it again!

Tesla FSD12 to Mimic Human Drivers: Why We’re Doomed

Tesla’s latest Full Self-Driving (FSD) update, FSD12, promises to mirror human driving behaviors so closely, we might as well throw road rules out the window. Scheduled for release in a mere two weeks, this update shifts from traditional code-heavy development to an approach more reminiscent of a teenager learning to drive by watching YouTube.

The Learning Curve: A Steep Drop into Chaos

FSD12’s groundbreaking learning algorithm is set to absorb millions of videos from Tesla drivers worldwide. While this might sound innovative, it’s essentially preparing to learn all the bad habits that make human drivers a menace on the roads. Blinker usage? A thing of the past. Staying in one’s lane? Optional, especially if there’s an urgent text or a fascinating billboard. Speed limits? More like speed suggestions.

Live Demo: A Wild Ride with Musk

Elon Musk, in his typical showman fashion, debuted the FSD12 update in a livestream that turned into a heart-stopping rollercoaster. Viewers watched with a mix of horror and amusement as Musk narrowly prevented the Tesla from running a red light and making an impromptu pit stop at Chipotle – because who doesn’t crave a burrito while testing groundbreaking AI?

The Future of Driving: A Nightmare?

As we brace for the arrival of FSD12, one can’t help but wonder if Tesla’s vision of the future includes a world where cars honk obscenities, casually speed, and treat driving guidelines as mere suggestions. In this new era, the term “autopilot” might just become synonymous with “your guess is as good as mine.”

it’s clear that Tesla is not just revolutionizing transportation; it’s also inadvertently championing a return to the wild, wild west of driving. Seatbelts fastened, everyone – it’s going to be a bumpy ride.