2025 | Wall Street Memes

OpenAI is looking to allow employees to sell shares for a record-breaking $500 billion valuation, according to what ChatGPT just told me.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAI plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenAI is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

For more on this story, click here: OpenAI Announces ‘Stargate’, A ChatGPT-Powered Voltron Robot

The White House has just announced that actress and internet obsession Sydney Sweeney will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, for saving the economy, having good genes/jeans and for her “tireless commitment to maintaining the average male dopamine level in the 21st century.”

The announcement, made via an emergency press briefing and a shirtless Jake Tapper TikTok duet, sparked celebration across Reddit threads, X accounts with anime profile pictures, and the offices of every hedge fund junior analyst named “Chad.”

Sweeney, 27, known for her roles in prestige television and for somehow turning a simple tank top into a nationwide distraction, reportedly accepted the award with humility and a cryptic Instagram caption that read, “🍒✨thank you Mr. Prez✨🍒.”

Financial markets reacted immediately. WallStreetBets declared a temporary truce on their AMC vs. Tesla civil war to launch the $SWEEN ticker, a new meme stock backed by nothing but gifs and raw testosterone. Within minutes, shares had surged 420% before immediately crashing when it was revealed the ticker was actually just someone’s Robinhood typo.

Meanwhile, TikTok financial influencers called the Medal of Freedom award a “strong bullish indicator.”

“This is basically the government confirming what the free market already knew,” said @stonks_gawd69 in a video captioned “$SWEEN TO DA MOOOON 🚀🚀🚀.” “Sydney Sweeney is America’s GDP now. She’s the only thing keeping this entire economy from collapsing into a pile of lithium-ion dust.”

Not everyone welcomed the move. Critics pointed out that Sweeney has yet to release an NFT, start a skincare line, or host a podcast with Logan Paul—standards traditionally required for true American heroism in 2025. A White House spokesperson confirmed those concerns were “valid,” but added that “not every legend has to sell supplements to count.”

According to leaked documents from the Department of Homeland Security, the Medal ceremony will include a 21-thirst salute, and all major streaming services will temporarily rename their “Trending Now” section to “Sydney’s Sizzle.”

When reached for comment, Sweeney simply smiled and said, “Freedom looks good on me.”

For more shitty content, click here: Coldplay Uncovers Epstein List At Concert

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has successfully bullied the Tesla board out of 96 million shares worth $30 billion dollars in money after threatening to leave the company.

Pundits thought the board might call Elon’s bluff and give up the erratic billionaire to focus on his political party dubbed, ‘The America Party’, after America. However, in a letter to shareholders, the Tesla board declared that “Retaining Elon is more important than ever before. We are confident that this award will incentivise Elon to remain at Tesla.”

It is unclear if Elon was just off frame with a gun as the letter was being written.

Elon in money — Visual representation of Elon right now

Musk responded to the payment in a briefing call with investors, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.” Well, shit, too late for both there, Mr. Musky man.

Tesla took a big stock hit recently after showing less than stellar sales results this year and is looking to capitalize on Elon’s continued fame and clout and abilities too I would imagine in order to turn things around with big work.

Elon Musk Go Back To Work

What’s Elon’s big work, you ask? Well, someone’s got to make Grok sexy now, don’t they? Yes, that’s right, Musk unveiled a sexy anime skin for X’s chatbot to cover up its Nazi skin.

Will keeping touch-starved males at home to goggle at some AI-generated affection solve the population crisis that Musk so frequently criticises? Yes. Yes, it will. These men weren’t going to breed anyways. Keep them out, increase the quality of the pool. It’s genius. What’s that, did someone say eugenics? No, it’s not that. Shh.

What’s this got to do with Tesla? Well, Tesla’s making robots now, and they have to have personalities too, so what better than a sexy anime waifu? Sure, it’s serving popcorn now, but give it a few years and it’ll be serving ass too.

A massive amount of Elon’s stock pay is still tied up in a seven-year legal battle after a Delaware judge, Kathleen McCormick, ruled the $56 billion package was excessive. And honestly, I didn’t know judges could do that. Can Kathy weigh in on my unexcessive pay?

But what do you think? Should I be paid more? Let us know in the comments.

For more on this story, click here: Tesla Stock Self-Drives Into Canyon

Stop the presses! The Epstein List has been found, and by none other than the greatest sleuths of our generation, the masters of deduction from whom no secret is safe. That’s right: Coldplay.

During an innocent kiss cam at their latest concert, Coldplay spun the camera round to a government agent who happened to be in the crowd reading a particularly dense dossier.

“What are you reading there, a newspaper?” quipped the band’s front man, Chris Martin. “It better not be the Epstein Files!”

Even though Martin meant this as a joke, from the agent’s panicked expression and failed attempt to cover up the document, fans assumed that this was in fact the Epstein client list after all.

Nearby concert goers then rushed the agent and managed to prize the pages out of his hands, before posting pictures of it online, confirming the nature of the files.

For the full contents of the Epstein Files, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

Precisely why someone brought the files to a concert, Coldplay or otherwise, why a government official was even attending a concert or why he was wearing sunglasses are all questions that will be answered in the fullness of time, but either way one fact remains clear: no secret is safe from Coldplay.

For more on this story, click here: Epstein List Revealed To Be Written In Sharpie: Trump’s Screwed

Billionaire innovator Elon Musk today granted the wish of a local Dogecoin holder by having him strapped to a Falcon 9 rocket and launched directly into a lunar transfer orbit.

The investor, 28-year-old Kyle Stockton, who reportedly quit his barista job in 2021 to “day trade freedom,” approached Musk outside a Tesla dealership this morning with a desperate plea. Eyewitnesses say Stockton, wearing a faded “WAGMI” t-shirt and clutching a phone showing his portfolio down 97%, fell to his knees before the SpaceX CEO.

“Papa Elon, please, you have to help us!” wept Stockton, his voice cracking. “My memecoins are in the gutter! My SafeMoon is neither safe nor on its way to the moon! Wen moon, Elon? Please, just send me to the moon!”

According to sources, Musk paused, stared at Stockton with the analytical gaze of an engineer diagnosing a software bug, and nodded slowly. “Affirmative,” Musk stated, pulling out his phone. “Request for lunar trajectory acknowledged. Stand by for fulfillment.”

Before Stockton could clarify that he was referring to the financial, metaphorical moon of massive returns on his $800 investment, a sleek, unmarked black van from the “SpaceX Rapid Response Customer Fulfillment Division” screeched to a halt. A team in pristine white jumpsuits emerged, efficiently placing a baffled Stockton onto a gurney.

“Wait, no, I meant my portfolio!” Stockton was heard shouting as the team fitted him with a surprisingly well-tailored flight suit. “My JPEGs of sad hamsters! They need to 100x!”

Ignoring his protests, Musk oversaw the operation with quiet satisfaction. “He expressed a clear desire for a specific destination,” Musk later told reporters while sipping a sparkling water. “We pride ourselves on customer satisfaction and vertical integration. He asked for the moon. We delivered. Problem solved.”

As the hastily erected launch gantry finished fueling, Stockton’s final, panicked words were picked up on a hot mic: “THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY DIAMOND HANDS! HODL! HODL THE GURNEY! TELL MY MOM TO WATER MY CRYPTO MINING RIG! IT’S A POTTED PLANT I PLUGGED A USB INTOOOOOO!”

The crypto community has hailed the event as an unprecedentedly bullish sign.

“This is it. The prophecy is being fulfilled,” tweeted user @CryptoCzar420 from his mother’s basement. “Elon is literally sending one of us to the moon as a pioneer. This is more bullish than a laser-eyed bull riding a rocket. I’m all in on KyleCoin (KYLE).”

Within minutes, #KyleToTheMoon was trending on X, and over seventeen new cryptocurrencies, including MoonKyle, AstroChad, and LiftOffInu, had been created, rugged, and declared dead.

At press time, Stockton was reportedly halfway to his destination, his faint screams for a Wi-Fi password to check his Blockfolio account being drowned out by the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space. The FAA has released a statement saying they are “looking into the legality of on-demand orbital citizen launches,” but admitted they were “mostly just impressed with the turnaround time.”

For more Elon content, Elon-tent if you will, click here: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

I don’t know what to tell you guys, there’s just no news. I’m sorry, I know you came here for the latest stories, but phhff we’re simply out.

I know it seems like there’s a lot going on with the wars in Gaza and Ukraine and New York, but yeah, weirdly, they just dipped today. Every single person in these conflicts just took a brief moment not to do much, so there’s nothing new there.

What else we got… Trump, he’s always good for a laugh. What you been up to? …Not much? More of the same? Ok, ok, cool.

Musky-boy, me ol’ pal Elon, can always rely on you for some good banter, right? What’s happening? …Right, right, slow for you too, huh. Okeee…

Financial newsifications: businesses looking pretty much the same. There are numbers but they’re not very interesting.

And in entertainment, yeah, there’s some new releases tomorrow, but for now, just a bit of a lull really.

Surely there must be some fluff piece we can run? No endangered puppy riding a surfboard? No? Ok, crap… Idk, just play some piano music.

Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture's from years ago. — Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture’s from years ago.

Insert Interesting News Headline Here When Something Happens

Hey, you know what, though, maybe the lack of news IS news! Maybe this random black hole of topical content is notable enough to write about after all! Yeah! That’s the spirit! So here’s the news, kids: there IS NO NEWS! How exceptional and surprising is that?!

Today will go down in history along with April 18, 1930, as the most remarkable day of all days. Even more remarkable than a day filled with things happening. Everyone will remember where they were when nothing happened and comment on how the world was not the same again.

Incredible times.

(It’ll be just my luck that this’ll go live when there’s a 2nd 9-11 or something)

For more non-stories, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

“Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday and certainly not deportation,” said a Jet2holidays spokesperson in response to the White House posting a video of a man in handcuffs dubbed with the viral TikTok audio.

“I would like to remind everyone that Jet2 does not offer deportation or imprisonment as part of our selection of exotic flights and vacation packages,” continued the spokesperson.

“The White House had no right to use our copyrighted material and they can expect a lawsuit forthwith. Forth! With!”

The British travel company, Jet2holidays also canceled their partnership with Airforce One in retaliation for the slight but say they welcome the free publicity.

Jess Glynne, the singer behind the song, ‘Hold My Hand’, that was a part of the viral audio has also condemned the White House’s usage of the meme.

“When I wrote the heartfelt lyrics, ‘darling, hold my hand’ I did not mean with handcuffs.”

Similarly, Zoe Lister, the voiceover of the original advert, has spoken out against the video.

“When I said those heartfelt words, ‘nothing beats a Jet2 holiday’, I meant it. But now those words have been used for evil, I can never forgive myself.”

It’s all very weird. Never mind the lack of humor, taste, or professionalism, why are they using Jet2 in the first place? Don’t they have their own planes and such? It doesn’t make sense.

God, what timeline are we even in?

For more meme news, check out: “CEO Affair” Becomes the Most Interesting Thing Coldplay Has Ever Released

‘Twas the night before the Tariff Deadline, when all through the White House,
Not a deal was being struck, not even with Laos (shut up, it rhymes).
The tariff rates were displayed on poster board with care,
In the hopes that St. Donald soon would be there.

The British were nestled all smug in the UK;
Happy that their deal was the first to be made.
Vietnam was next, having halved its rate;
46 to 20, is better than great.

Indonesia, Philippines, Japan then EU,
And the deal with Korea is practically brand new.
Still in talks is China, China, China, China, China,
Which, for now, has reached a trade war ceasefire.

But that leaves Canada, Mexico and India,
Big traders still deal-less, along with Australia.
Nearly 200 countries, it’s a very long list,
Don’t check it twice, or it won’t get finished.

These deals take time and care to finesse,
But at this rate, they won’t be done before Christmas.
Trump has twice had the deadline delayed,
It’s a wonder if we’ll ever see liberation day.

Then what should my wondering eyes now behold?
But a miniature POTUS, almost eighty years old.
He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with gristle and blood (wait, what, why blood?)
A bundle of tariffs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack (whatever that means).

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the tie on his neck, it continued to grow.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he shouted, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a funny old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, because he was funny-looking.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filed out all the tariff deals; then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his motorcade, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew to Mar-a-Lago like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight:
“Happy Second Liberation Day to all, and to all a good night!”

For more classic literature about tariffs, click here: The Boy Who Cried ‘Tariff’

Tesla Incorporation ($TSLALALA) just signed a $4.3 billion (casual numbers) deal to get their batteries from the South Korean company LG rather than China for once. But here’s the twist, the batteries will be made in LG’s US factories saving American manufacturing once and for all.

But here’s the twist, the batteries aren’t even going into the Tesla cars. So where are they going you ask? Well, here’s the twist: I don’t know where they’re going. Robots? Rockets? Mars? My ass? Who knows.

But here’s the twist: this is Tesla’s second deal this month with a South Korean company after they agreed to getting Samsung’s AI semiconductors for $6.5 billion. Is South Korea the new China? No.

But here’s the twist: these are LFP batteries. That’s lithium iron phosphate to the layman. What, that doesn’t spell LFP? Shut up. It does if you squint. Anyway, these batteries are like cheaper, better in the cold, have a higher energy density so they’re good to be building. But here’s the twist: China is the current king of LFPs, so Korea wants in on that action and now they’re getting it.

LG Energy already announced a $5.9 trillion contract to send LFP batteries overseas. There weren’t any more details than that but maybe Tesla’s deal is part of that.

Either way this represents a strong pivot by Tesla away from reliance on Chinese manufacturing but indicates a massive rise in South Korea’s already strong tech influence.

Who knows, maybe in the near future Tesla will be a South Korean company. Now that would be a twist.

For more Tesselations, click here: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

Officials from the United States of America (USA) have started a fresh round of trade talks with the People’s Republic of China, this time in Sweden, after both parties got lost.

Reportedly, American diplomats insisted that the negotiations take place on home turf, while China likewise refused to talk anywhere other than home. Finally, after months of negotiation on Zoom, both countries agreed to the others demands and so set off for eachothers respective countries.

On the long journey from the US to China and vice versa, the representatives became very lost and met each other at roughly the halfway point on their trips: Sweden.

Though neither side brought appropriate clothing for the cold weather, it turns out Sweden has indoor rooms, so both sides have now sat down for a cordial chat.

In blue corner, all the way from America, Washington we have Tresasury Secretary Scott Bessent and in the red corner, representing the great state of Bejing, China it’s Vice Premier He Lifeng!

The two have until August 12th to duke it out because that’s when their temporary tariff pause will lift and import taxes could go back up to higher than 100% (impossible btw).

China is the next big target for America after a string of winning deals were ironed out with the UK, Japan and most recently the EU. China’s the biggest economy in the world I think so that would be a really good get for these guys.

The US has yet to work out a deal with Mexico and Canada, America’s biggest trade partners.

I am a little confused though, did America only appear a month ago? Why are all these deals being made like we’re the new kid on the block? Like, I know, it’s Trump, he reset everything with his crazy threats but it seems like SUCH a hard reset, like everyone’s starting from complete scratch and everything needs to be renegotiated. What is this, Brexit?

Anyways, seems like maybe the things are evening out and the previous market panic has worn off. Turns out they just needed time to relax. So, we’ll see where things go from here.

All my love, xxx

For more tariff-ic news, click here: HEARTBREAKING: Rabid Monkey In Charge Of Tariffs Dies

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