June, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

Disgraced crypto golden boy Sam Bankman-Fried is apparently tired of trading mackerel packets for prison haircuts. In the ultimate “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” move, the convicted FTX founder has formally applied for a presidential pardon from President Donald Trump.

According to official records from the U.S. Department of Justice’s Office of the Pardon Attorney, SBF’s official request is sitting right there on the website with a status listed as “pending”. Because when you’re pulling a 25-year sentence for orchestrating a multi-billion-dollar crypto meltdown, what’s a little more paperwork?

New phone, who dis?

SBF, currently residing at a low-security federal correctional facility in California, recently confirmed his aspirations via a prison phone call. When asked if he wanted a White House rescue, he told Fox Business, “Absolutely”. He then added the ultimate casual disclaimer: “It would be obviously, you know, ultimately up to the president, not up to me.”

The former billionaire has spent the last few months trying to reshape his public image. Using a proxy to post on his X account, the former Democratic megadonor has suddenly pivoted to singing Trump’s praises on social media, applauding the administration’s policy decisions and pardon choices.

The ultimate long shot

There’s just one tiny roadblock in Sam’s master plan: Trump has already swiped left on the idea. In an interview with The New York Times, President Trump explicitly stated that he had no plans to grant clemency to the 34-year-old crypto founder.

While Trump has used his second term to pardon multiple high-profile white-collar defendants—including rival exchange Binance’s founder Changpeng Zhao—SBF’s $10 billion fraud conviction might be a tougher sell. Especially since SBF is still technically trying to fight the conviction in federal appeals court, all while insisting to reporters that he “didn’t steal user funds”.

We will see if the “pardon market” works its magic, or if Sam is stuck doing the full two decades. What do you think SBF’s next move is if this pardon gets officially denied?

Just when you thought you were doing well because your crypto wallet didn’t totally tank this morning, Elon Musk is about to make everyone else look like they are working for pocket change. Get ready to welcome the world’s very first trillionaire, courtesy of a casual little event called the SpaceX initial public offering.

According to a fresh regulatory filing, SpaceX is officially heading to the Nasdaq on June 12th under the ticker SPCX. The rocket company is aiming to scoop up a cool $75 billion in proceeds by offering a set price of $135 a share. Because when you’re launching giant metal tubes into orbit, who needs a standard price range anyway?

To the moon? More like straight to the bank

At that $135 IPO price, Musk’s 42% equity stake in the company is going to be worth an eye-watering $866.5 billion on paper. Combine that with his $301 billion worth of Tesla stock, and his holdings in just those two companies will hit roughly $1.168 trillion.

The math wizards over at Bloomberg are keeping things conservative due to share lock-ups, pinning his technical net worth at around $988 billion right at the launch. But let’s be honest: the second the opening bell rings on June 12th, and people start buying up shares, he’s blasting straight past the trillion-dollar mark.

Want some of Elon’s billions? Read our article on how to get some!

Who cares about the cash burn anyway?

Now, the boring corporate governance nerds are already pointing out some red flags.

SpaceX has actually been running annual losses because building massive Starship rockets and running xAI data centers like “Colossus” costs a pretty penny. Plus, Elon’s dual-class share setup gives him a massive 82% of the voting power, meaning he basically controls the whole ship.

But investors are completely looking past the cash burn because, well, it’s SpaceX and they want a piece of Starlink’s massive satellite internet revenue.

So, while we are all out here waiting for our favorite memecoins to finally hit $0.01 and reading this article, Elon is out here casually planning his trillionaire victory lap. So who’s really winning, eh?

Just when you thought you were finally getting a handle on your finances by skipping the daily Starbucks and canceling that streaming subscription you haven’t watched since 2024, the tech overlords have arrived with some fantastic news. Get ready to add “thinking” next to electricity and water on your monthly chore list.

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman dropped by the BlackRock Infrastructure Summit in Washington, DC, to deliver a casual reality check: Artificial Intelligence is probably going to be sold like a basic utility. That’s right, guys. In the near future, you may be buying your AI by the meter.

Juice, Water, and… Chatbots?

According to the chief GPT-wrangler himself, the future of the entire AI model industry is fundamentally going to look like selling “tokens” – the data units used to price inputs and outputs. “We see a future where intelligence is a utility like electricity or water and people buy it from us on a meter,” Altman stated.

So, if you thought your electric bill was rough during a summer heatwave, just wait until you see the bill after your AI assistant spends 72 hours straight trying to optimize your meme stock portfolio or drafting the perfect apology text to your ex.

Can we top up our AI meter at the store?

The issue here isn’t just OpenAI wanting to keep the lights on. It’s a massive infrastructure bottleneck. Right now, tech giants are throwing hundreds of billions of dollars at “compute capacity”, the absolute raw processing horsepower needed to run these massive models. AMD’s CEO Lisa Su even noted at CES that the world will need a mind-boggling scale of compute over the next five years to keep up.

If companies can’t build data centers fast enough, Altman warned that AI prices will rocket out of control, leaving the tech exclusive to the hyper-wealthy. Even Elon Musk recently weighed in on a podcast, noting that electricity generation itself is becoming the ultimate limiting factor in scaling AI. Read more about Elon’s latest AI issues here.

Essentially, the tech world is running out of juice. So next time you ask an AI to write a rap battle between Trump and whoever he’s arguing with this week, just remember: Do you have enough on your meter?

If you’ve walked past a dealership lot lately and thought the sticker prices looked less like a standard monthly liability and more like the gross domestic product of a small island nation, congratulations: your eyeballs are working perfectly.

The average price of a new car in the United States has officially climbed to a near-record high of $51,613. For those keeping score at home, that is roughly the cost of a vintage Rolex, a year of private college tuition, or approximately 4,000 shares of whatever garbage memecoin your cousin is currently shilling in the family group chat. We used to buy cars to get to work; now we need a second career just to afford the windshield wipers.

Why Buy a House When You Can Just Live In a Car?

According to recent automotive industry data, the relentless march toward the mid-50k mark isn’t just because microchips are fancy now or because the leather seats are stitched by artisanal monks. It’s because the American consumer has collectively decided that compact, sensible sedans are entirely out of style, opting instead for massive, steel-plated land yachts and luxury electric vehicles that require a second mortgage just to drive off the lot.

The Pickup Premium: The top-selling trucks in the country are routinely trading hands for north of $65,000, which is wild considering most of them are only hauling groceries.
The Extinction Event: Sub-$20,000 cars are officially rarer than a crypto day-trader who actually pays their taxes.

Dealerships aren’t even trying to hide the pain anymore. Financing terms are stretching out longer than a Monday morning corporate sync. We’re talking 72-month, 84-month, and even 96-month auto loans just to keep the monthly payment under four figures. By the time you finally make your last payment on that 2026 crossover, it will literally qualify for a classic car license plate.

Good Luck Out There To All You Pedestrians

So, what are your options if you don’t happen to have an extra 50 grand burning a hole in your pocket? Well, you can always take a look at the used car market, but word on the street is that a 2012 Honda Civic with a dented bumper, a missing hubcap, and 180,000 miles on the odometer is still going to cost you your firstborn child and a kidney.

Alternatively, public transit is always an option…assuming you like sitting next to a guy playing techno music out of his phone speakers at 7:00 AM while the train runs 45 minutes late. Either way, the era of the cheap American road trip is officially on life support.

If you’re a member of Gen Z, or a younger Millennial currently spending 65% of your paycheck to rent a windowless apartment that smells like damp carpet, we have some bad news. It turns out your current financial situation isn’t actually the fault of inflation or the housing market. It’s entirely your fault for being a lazy, unproductive non-entity back when the market was actually giving away free wealth.

According to a mind-boggling stat dropped by our friends over at Polymarket on X, anyone who invested a grand total of $10.41 into IBM back in 1932 is a millionaire today.

Which begs the obvious question: why on earth didn’t you just skip out on being born, travel back to the Great Depression, and cough up ten bucks for some tech stock?

“But My Parents Weren’t Even Thoughts Yet”

Sure, the haters and losers will try to use logic here. They’ll say things like, “I literally didn’t exist,” or “My grandparents were toddlers, and IBM was making punch-card tabulators, not smartphones.” But since when has Wall Street ever cared about excuses?

While your lineage was busy fighting in world wars or navigating the industrial revolution, prime corporate equity was practically being given away for the price of a modern burrito bowl. You could have easily walked into a smoky 1930s brokerage firm, slammed down a ten-dollar bill, and been sitting on a cool seven-figure fortune today. Instead, you chose to wait until the 2000s to manifest into reality. Look where that got you.

International Business Machines? More like Internal Bankruptcy Machines for anyone born after 1995.

Instead of capitalizing on nearly a century of compounding interest, an entire generation chose to sit out the foundational years of American capitalism. And now? The stock market is sitting at historically bloated valuations, houses cost a million dollars, and your avocado toast isn’t going to fix your portfolio.

The Playbook Moving Forward

So, what’s the move now that you’ve completely missed the bottom of a 94-year-old market cycle?

Simple. You take that remaining $10.41 in your bank account, accept that you will never own land, and put it all toward a highly speculative zero-day-to-expiration option trade or a cryptocurrency named after a household pet. After all, if a tech stock from the Great Depression can make you a millionaire over a century, surely a coin launched by an anonymous developer three hours ago can do it by Friday.

Until then, keep grinding, keep paying that rent, and try to time your next birth a little better.

Just when you thought the global geopolitical landscape couldn’t get any more like a messy group chat at 2:00 AM, the United States and Iran have officially entered their toxic exes era. We are either a step away from complete war or complete peace, depending on Trump’s mood.

If you’ve taken a glance at the betting markets or your X feed over the last 24 hours, you’re probably suffering from severe whiplash. One minute, we are on the brink of total economic lockdown, and the next, everyone is apparently holding hands and singing Kumbaya.

According to breaking reports, Iran kicked things off by announcing it was completely ending all negotiations with the US and vowing to block the crucial Strait of Hormuz due to regional ceasefire violations. Classic breakup move. Delete the photos from Instagram, block the number, it’s over.

Block the Strait of Hormuz? I didn’t even know it had an X account

But wait! Just as the markets started sweating over global oil supplies, Donald Trump took to the timeline to hit them with the ultimate “new phone, who dis?” energy. When first asked about Iran walking away from the table, Trump bluntly responded, “I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less.”

Next, he’s changed his mind and decided to make some calls to regional allies to ask, Hey, can you stop?

Naturally, because 2026 is nothing if not a simulation run by an easily bored teenager, the narrative kept changing. According to updates captured on Polymarket, Trump flipped the script, stating that talks with Iran are actually continuing “at a rapid pace” and that he expects a full deal to extend the ceasefire and reopen the straits “over the next week.” Phew. That clears it up.

Shiller? I Hardly Know Her!

If you look at the Shiller CAPE ratio, which measures stock prices against their average earnings over the last decade to see if we’re all collectively being gaslit, the market is flashing a bright, burning red. The historical average for this ratio is somewhere around a sensible 17. Right now, it is hovering around a casual 41.

Dow Jones? More like, DOWN Jones, Am I Right??

The last time things were even remotely this top-heavy, people were unironically pouring their life savings into companies called Pets.com and Webvan. The only difference is that back then, investors were losing their shirts over companies that didn’t actually have a real product. Today, we are pumping hundreds of billions of dollars into AI startups that just use a boatload of electricity to write corporate emails and draw people with eleven fingers. It’s called progress, look it up.

To the Moon, or to the Earth’s Core?

Naturally, Wall Street analysts are doing what they do best: sprinting to the microphones to explain why “this time is different.” They’ll tell you that tech companies actually make real profit now, so traditional valuation metrics are basically just old-timey suggestions.

And hey, maybe they’re right. Maybe the line will go up forever. Or maybe we are all standing on the tracks of an incoming financial freight train, trying to catch pennies.

If you want to read more about how completely normal our current financial system is, click here.

In the meantime, feel free to keep staring at your portfolio. Just remember that if the whole thing implodes tomorrow, at least you got to witness a historic financial disaster firsthand. Cheers to being part of history, boys.

Let’s be honest, who among us hasn’t wondered if Fort Knox is just a giant, heavily guarded empty room filled with spray-painted bricks and old copies of The Wall Street Journal? Well, Donald Trump is officially on the case, and he’s demanding someone finally open the damn door.

According to actual news sources, Trump hopped onto Truth Social to declare it is officially “TIME TO AUDIT FORT KNOX”. This sudden urge to go count America’s lunch money didn’t just come out of nowhere. It was triggered by the absolutely wild arrest of David Rush, a former senior CIA official who was allegedly found casually chilling with over 300 stolen federal gold bars worth $40 million, alongside $2 million in cash and 35 luxury watches at his house.

CIA? More Like, Caught In the Act, Am I Right?

Naturally, finding a massive pile of government-branded “black budget” shiny metal in a guy’s basement raised a few questions. Specifically: Uh, where exactly did he get that, and is there any left for the rest of us? Trump, who has been teasing a Fort Knox field trip with Elon Musk since 2025, decided he’s seen enough. In a recent interview, he admitted they’ve been playing with the idea of knocking on the door just “to see whether or not we have any gold in there”. He even added, “I wonder if they left the gold in Fort Knox, because they steal a lot”.

You can’t really blame him for wanting to double-check the math, considering the US gold reserves haven’t had a proper independent physical audit since 1974. That’s over 50 years of “trust me, bro” from the federal government.

All That Glitters Is… Well, Hopefully Still in Kentucky

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent was quick to play the ultimate party pooper, insisting that all the gold is perfectly accounted for and even inviting members of Congress to come take a peek themselves. Meanwhile, gold bugs and sound-money advocates are practically foaming at the mouth, pushing for Congress to fast-track the Gold Reserve Transparency Act to find out what’s really going on behind those hyper-fortified walls.

Will we get a live-streamed video of Trump and Elon counting gold bars like Scrooge McDuck, or will the government keep the vault locked tight? Only time will tell.

Just when you thought it was safe to step outside without getting drained of your life force by a cloud of flying vampires, Google has entered the chat. Yes, the company that knows your search history, your location, and what you ate for breakfast now wants to control the local insect population.

Tech giant Alphabet is reportedly drawing up plans to drop a casual 32 million mosquitoes across Florida and California. But before you start panic-buying every can of bug spray at Walmart, there’s a twist: these aren’t your average backyard pests. They’re actually biological secret agents designed to take down their own kind from the inside.

Google, Maps, And… Swarms Of Flying Bugs?

The tech behemoth has officially asked the EPA for permission to roll out the project, and Uncle Sam is giving the public until June 5 to weigh in. If approved, this will mark the single largest deployment of its kind in US history.

The science behind it sounds like something straight out of a sci-fi flick. The mosquitoes are infected with a specific bacteria called Wolbachia. When these lab-grown boys mate with wild females, the eggs don’t hatch. It basically turns the local mosquito population into a giant, tragic episode of The Bachelor where nobody gets a rose and everyone slowly goes extinct.

Better Than An AdBlocker

While it sounds insane, Google’s “Debug Project” actually has some serious runs on the board. A previous trial in California’s Central Valley almost completely wiped out mosquitoes in three test sites. Meanwhile, a trial over in Singapore managed to slash dengue fever cases by a massive 70% in just one year.

To date, Google has already deployed over 1 billion of these little guys across four continents. It turns out they’re much better at debugging real life than they are at fixing the YouTube app.

Google’s Ultimate Terms Of Service Update

Naturally, the internet is having a field day with the news. Some users are wondering if the bugs will come with unskippable 15-second ads, while others are just relieved that California and Florida finally found something they can agree on: hating bugs.

Whether this massive swarm completely saves the summer or turns into the plot of a B-list horror movie remains to be seen. But if you want to have your say before Google turns the skies into a literal beta test, you’ve got until June 5 to let the EPA know. Otherwise, get ready for the ultimate system update.

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The ultimate long shot

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