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One hundred unarmed men have been arrested for breaking into the gorilla enclosure known as ‘Gorilla World’ at the Cincinnati Zoo. Reportedly, the men were encouraged to trespass following an online meme that asked whether 100 unarmed men could win in a fight against a single gorilla.

Unfortunately, the men were unable to fully test the theory as only one man was able to get close enough to assault the big gorilla. The men did, however, answer the question of who would win in a fight: 100 unarmed men or a fully armed SWAT team.

Cincinnati Zoo released a statement saying they are relieved that no gorillii were harmed and only one man died during the incident.

“We really didn’t want to become a meme again,” said Cincinnati Zoo spokesperson, Carlos Regaulary. “After Harambe violently passed away, and everyone made fun of that, we didn’t want that to happen again.”

“Yeah, our gorilla, Gladys, would have beaten the shit out of one hundred men but you still don’t want to test it.”

100 Men vs. 1 Gorilla: Tickets On Sale Now

Dylan Pilsenty, one of the surviving 100 unarmed men, seemed unrepentant of his actions, “I did it for science, you know? I’d willingly put my life on the line to answer this age-old question. You think Einstein of Mythbusters ever did that? No, because they’re pussys.”

The group that goes by the name, ‘100 Unarmed Men’ is looking to recruit another member to replace the one who died by gorilla. After serving their prison sentence, they say they have plans to get straight back out there and try again.

“Someone’s got to do it, and I know it’s going to be these 100 men,” explained Mr. Pilsenty. “We’re thinking if the gorilla thing all goes to plan, we’re going to try a rhino next.”

Pilsenty went on to explain that had they succeeded, their tactic was to “punch the gorilla really hard at least 100 times”.

The ‘100 Unarmed Men’ say they then plan to monetise future events via pay-to-view services and sports gambling tie-ins.

Animal rights activists have unanimously condemned the group’s actions because god forbid anyone has a dream these days.

In a shocking turn of events that has shocked Americans across the Americas, it turns out that there has been another America above America this whole time. And they also have major political news? OK, slow down there, Jimmy, one thing at a time.

Apparently, this ‘Canada’ somehow has news in addition to all the American news we’re already very busy with. This less interesting news revolves around the unveiling of Canadia’s newly unveiled Liberal Party leader who will face off against the currently more popular Conservative party in the upcoming election for the position of Prime Minister.

To translate that into English: mini-America has announced the new head of their Democrats who’s gonna fight against their Republicans for who gets to be President.

As the world enters a new era of economic war because of AMERICA, Canadia has selected Mark Carney, a finance guy, to lead the way. He’s running on an anti-Trump platform as Canadians are becoming increasingly irritated by the American President’s anti-Canadian rhetoric which is just anti-American if you ask me.

Trump has blamed his northern neighbors for immigration, fentanyl smuggling and has threatened to make Canada the 51st state of America, which is embarrassing for Trump because I guess he doesn’t realize that the 51st state is actually Kentunky.

Because of this, Carney’s vowed to keep Canada’s retaliatory tariffs against America and honestly, who does he think he is? Does he know he’s not the main character here?

The hope is that he’ll lose the election and then America and Trump can go back to hogging the front page of the news AS IS OUR RIGHT. Canada can go back to eating bark or whatever it is they do there.

That’s enough about Canada, you know what, they’ve stolen the spotlight for LONG ENOUGH. Let’s go back to, what, let’s see, oh, here’s some news: Trump says he isn’t responsible for the market crash or any potential upcoming government shutdown. Now THAT’S news. You’ve got to have Trump in your news. It’s the rules. IT’S THE RULES. If it’s not about Trump, is it news? I don’t think so.
You know what? Maybe, this whole ‘Canada’ news, if you think about it, it is about Trump after all. Carney won a landslide in reaction to who? Trump. Who’s he talking about more than his granddaughter Margaret? Trump. Ok, great this really IS news then! Better than that, it’s actually American news, after all! Ha HA! Take that Canadia! 51st state here we come!

For more Canada news, don’t read this: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

In a story that looks like a parody news writer wrote it, the United States is braced to accept 420 (blaze it) million eggs from a single very, very prolific turkey. Get that boy a presidential pardon!

Whilst turkey eggs have a slightly different taste and texture to chicken eggs, farmers are assured that… Oh, wait, no, it’s not a turkey it’s Turkey, the country. Ahhh, OK, that makes more sense.

America is currently experiencing an egg shortage caused partially by avian flu but mostly by local man ‘Gaston’ who reportedly eats 60 eggs every morning. A baker’s dozen of eggs are now an average of $4.95 but to be fair, that’s Kamala Harris’ fault.

Thankfully Turkey (again, not a single bird) has stepped in to plug the egg-shaped hole with, get this: an egg. Turkey’s ‘Egg Producers Central Union’ (the only egg union worth listening to, if you ask me) claims that the 420 million exported eggs will be the most ever eggs exported ever.

Eggs.

Turkey is the fifth-largest eggs-porter in the world and the only country that eggsports to America. No idea why though. But now Turkey’s going to do that but more.

Some eggsperts warn that this won’t be enough, however. Local egg-thusiast Benjamin Yuup commented, “THAT’S NOT ENOUGH EGGS!” But what does he know? Nothing.

Unlike the Occupation of Constantinople (1918-1923) this is not a problem that can be solved by the introduction of Turkey and various other solutions will be required to tackle the bird-demic. Maybe America will start vaccinating its chickens like the rest of the world? Mmm, nah. You think I’m going to let Bill Gates put microchips in my nuggies? Get real. GET REAL.

BONUS EGG FACT: The egg predates the chicken by 500,000,000 years!

Beloved Sesame Street character Elmo found himself accidentally encased in concrete during the latest expansion of the iconic children’s television show location. The incident, which occurred during a construction project to add a new playground area, left Elmo unable to move and screaming for help.

According to sources close to the production, the mishap occurred when a crew of construction workers accidentally poured wet concrete into the area where Elmo was standing, mistaking him for a decorative rock. Elmo, who was reportedly engrossed in counting numbers, was unaware of the danger until it was too late.

“We were all in shock,” said Big Bird, who witnessed the incident. “One minute Elmo was there, counting his numbers, and the next minute he was dead. Wait, no, not dead, sorry, just buried up to his neck in concrete.”

Since the Sesame Street emergency crews are also puppets they were ineffectual at removing Elmo before the quick-setting concrete hardened. After several days of chiseling away at the concrete to free the relentlessly shrieking Elmo, Elmo was extracted at the small cost of a limb.

“Elmo is a tough cookie,” said Cookie Monster, who helped to comfort Elmo after the incident. “He’s already back to his old self, counting numbers, making us all laugh. Yeah, he’s missing an arm but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

Sesame Street producers have since apologized for the incident and have promised to implement stricter safety protocols on set. The first of which is to ban Elmo from the street until a full investigation can be undertaken. They have also assured fans that Elmo is doing well and that the show will continue to produce new episodes as scheduled.

In a statement, Elmo himself said, “Elmo is okay! Elmo learned a valuable lesson about construction safety! Elmo reminds children that construction sites are not play areas even if that’s what they’re building! Like Elmo always says, ‘If you want to keep your limbs, don’t go for a swim (in concrete)!’”

Despite the positive message, lawyers predict that Elmo will likely sue for damages.

26-year-old Luigi Mangione has been arrested in relation to the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson. But lawyers say he is unlikely to be convicted since “He was really cool about it.”

Thompson was shot and killed outside of a New York hotel last week. The shooter left no clues other than the words “deny”, “defend”, and “depose” written on the shell casings and a backpack filled with Monopoly money which is god damn Joker-shit, I’m telling you.

Once Luigi Mangione was revealed to be a suspect, the internet went into meltdown because, plot twist, he’s really hot.

“Yeah, we’re pretty sure he’s not going to jail,” said Angus Eurgh, a prominent New York lawyer you might have seen on television. “He’s hot and hot people don’t go to prison, it’s the law. He was also really cool about this whole murder thing and, call me a bad lawyer all you want, but I just don’t think cool people should be punished.”

As part of the manhunt, the police sent divers to search the Central Park lake and I don’t know why no one told them he probably wasn’t down there. No, Mangione ended up in a Pennsylvania McDonald’s which is just constantly in the news at the moment for some reason. He was then dobbed in by a goddamn snitch, a goddamn piece of work and good citizen if ever I saw one, he’s the one that should be arrested, not the hot one, Jesus.

On Mangione’s person was a note explaining his motives (very cool) and a 3D-printed “ghost gun” (super cool). So it’s going to be a tough call in the trial going forward. Will the judge and jury behave as they should, weigh up all the evidence, and lay out a suitable punishment? Or will they be like, “Ya but he dreamy, tho,” and let him free, setting a dangerous president for future models to off anyone deemed publically bad?

We get shooters all the time and you’d think every one of them would be demonized evenly but the general public doesn’t believe that murder is necessarily the worst thing. Sometimes the public will justify a murder if the cause appears noble and if they’re not a little goblin freak. Self-defence, a just war, capital punishment, just really poetic, passionate revenge, all can make killing ok to people.

But who gets to decide when killing is ok? The history of civilization has been the struggle to answer that question and we have long since concluded that leaving the answer to public consensus leads to dangerous mob rule, emboldens vigilantes, and leaves no recourse to punish killers who do not have righteous motivation or kill by mistake. We’ve built a legal system, that though imperfect does a better job at parsing out right and wrong than ‘just vibes’. And crucially this system has mechanisms to self-correct and improve. Righteous killing does not.

The system is broken but part of its self-preservation mechanisms is in its complexity and ability to disperse responsibility so no one person can be held accountable. The system can’t be dismantled because no one needs to take responsibility. The converse of this is that killing one person, shocking and newsworthy though it may be, does nothing to fix the larger system. Perhaps it was revenge but revenge brings only short-term satisfaction, not real solutions. Perhaps it was purely to send a message and maybe this death will motivate changes. To deem its justification this would have to bring about some change but even if it does we can only damn these actions as that of a pariah lest we inadvertently sanctify future killings, even those with which we don’t agree.

“Brian Thompson was a father to two, he was a husband, and he was a friend to many,” said Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro at a news conference yesterday. “And yes he was the CEO of a health insurance company,” he added as if this balanced out the other good things he just said.

“In America, we do not kill people in cold blood to resolve policy differences or express a viewpoint,” Shapiro continued. “I have no tolerance nor should anyone for one man using an illegal ghost gun to murder someone because he thinks his opinion matters most in a civil society, we are all less safe when ideologues engage in vigilante justice. In some dark corners, [Twitter] this killer is being hailed as a hero. Hear me on this: he is no hero the real hero in this story is the person who allied 911 at McDonald’s this morning.”

Luigi’s Mansion is now trending on Twitter.

Alright, let’s have some European politics, as a palette cleanser. Hear me out. French Prime Minister Michel Barnier has been ousted from his top position after pushing through a controversial budget with just three months under his belt. Why does that sound familiar…

That’s right! It’s because the same thing happened in the UK two years ago when Prime Minister (and professional lettuce impersonator) Liz Truss was forced to resign for her expired economic plan. And, although it’s not quite the same, the US government seems to be perpetually on the verge of shutdown when the budget doesn’t get pushed through in time. Much like why I’m constipated.

Anyway, back to France. So Barnier was President Emmanuel Macron’s top pick (I know, France has both, I don’t get it either, let’s move on) and that’s super embarrassing for both I bet (I don’t know, it’s not happened to me) but Macron’s probably going to be fine so that’s good for him. Meanwhile, Barnier has left the government without saying goodbye to anyone which is known as a French exit or a French leave or an Irish exit or an Irish goodbye or (if you’re French) an English exit but if I’d used that the joke wouldn’t have worked. I guess you just name an exit after whichever peoples you think are rude.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Europe’s a mess. Basically, ever since the previous election France now has these three, equally powerful political blocs, and each time one tries to do anything the other two vote it down. Like a giant game of pierre-papier-ciseaux. I guess a calcified ultra-partisan three-party system is better than a calcified ultra-partisan two-party system, right? RIGHT?

People, or at least the doom-hype train that is the news, are saying that this could spell the collapse of Europe and society as we know it. Because, you know, if France can’t get its act together maybe they won’t be all together when Ukraine needs continued support. And then Trump comes in and pulls out America’s help as well and Russia gets carte blanche to march in and take Ukraine, then Poland, then East Germany, West Germany, France, Britain and before you know it the Capitol building has a big onion-shaped dome instead of just a regular dome.

So, yeah. French politics doesn’t seem so unimportant now, huh?

In an attempt to summarize users’ listening habits, music streaming platform, Spotify has inadvertently revealed top-secret government information.

Rather than viewing their streaming figures, some Spotify users were met with a colorful presentation of CIA, NSA and FBI statistics, some of which implied war crimes, all to the tune of Chappell Roan’s 2023 hit ‘HOT TO GO!’

“Hi, America! It’s that time of year again!” the short video sequence began before displaying the message, “You conducted 3,421 undisclosed military operations this year. That puts you in the top 12% of aggressors worldwide.”

“While it’s not a competition… there is a leaderboard,” the video continued. “Your top songs were:

1. Yemeni Radio Chatter 00:84:24.4 10.08.24

2. DLL/AfterMidnight/Encoded/84_3.mp3

3. Born In The USA

4. Proj.KD.hostage.redacted.executive

4. White Noise (Spooky Version)

5. HOT TO GO!”

“Your biggest day was 12 March when 673 malware programs were successfully installed on the personal computers of Russian diplomats. Where do you find the time?”

“You conducted espionage against 46 different sovereign nations this year. But one country was on repeat, repeat, repeat… Your top country to spy on was: The United States of America. Congratulations, you played yourself.”

“You’ve changed. And so has your combat tactics. Let’s look at your 2024 Positional Implementation.” Spotify then listed 106 global coordinates linked to previously undisclosed military bases and weapons caches. “Your vibe was so Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop.”

Users were then played a short thank-you video from Dick Cheney before the presentation concluded with, “Thanks for being complicit, until next year!”

Intelligence agencies and politicians alike have been quick to disregard the stats as entirely fabricated and called for an international arrest warrant for anyone who uses the service. One spokesperson from the CIA said Spotify’s intel can’t be accurate as agents are forbidden from listening to Chappell Roan because “She’s clearly a Russian asset”.

Since every user received slightly different information, analysts are working to decode the potentially millions of pages of government secrets now available to the public. One busy-body reporter has already pointed out that since Spotify is a Swedish company the leak may constitute an act of war.

What do you think? Is Apple Music the superior streaming service? Let us know in the comments.

In what many are calling the most important political debate of the year, You and Your Opinionated Uncle are scheduled to face off this Thanksgiving.

Although not the first, depending on the rhetoric, this may be the last debate between these two hot-headed candidates. Whilst You are expected to bring up numerous issues focused on policy grounded in facts and statistics, Your Opinionated Uncle is predicted to go in on “just vibes”.

It’s true that neither candidate for the title of ‘the most right family member’ has ever seen eye to eye with the other, but this year viewers are hoping for a more cordial back and forth.

“I just want to get through one Thanksgiving without having to play political mediator,” says Granny Sue who normally has your back but you are not sure how she voted this year so maybe she’s a goddamn traitor like the rest of them. “To try and calm things down, both debaters have agreed to have their mics muted whilst the other is talking.”

“I enjoy it personally,” says your cousin Jim who can’t talk because he’s been overseas with some NGO in Africa for years so how can he say he’s invested? None of this really affects him. “What? It’s fun to have a good healthy debate. A bit of intelligent discussion. It’s character-building. So long as no one gets punched like last year.”

Pundits are already putting up odds on who they think will win with 2:1 on Your Opinionated Uncle.

Some people ask if this is really in the spirit of things. Isn’t Thanksgiving about giving thanks? Being thankful and spreading love? Well, no.

Every year millions of turkeys are slaughtered PRECISELY so you can have a shouting match with a family member who’s distant enough that you don’t mind offending them a little.

[*The Star-Spangled Banner starts playing*]

Because America is all about our differences. It’s all about our freedom of speech and expressing that freedom violently. You have an obligation to debate the economy until the gravy gets cold and everyone hates you. That’s what the pilgrims did. You have a right, no, a god-given mandate to brandish your First Amendment right. Because if you don’t then all those Indians, all those turkeys, and probably Granny Sue as well (let’s be honest she’s on her last legs), all of them will have died for nothing.

So you cuss out your Uncle, boy. You go out there and put a smile on Lincoln’s face. Make tonight a night everyone will want to forget. Make the founding fathers proud. And God bless America.

Pass the peas, please.

This is Peter. He likes to stay informed. He keeps up to date on the news from multiple sources. He’ll even pick up a book now and then. Peter thinks he’s on top of current affairs, but even Peter is confused by all the wars in the Middle East.

“A ceasefire! Oh my god, that’s great! Palestine’s free, it’s finally free!” says Peter reacting to the news of the ceasefire in Lebanon. When Peter’s friend, Naael, asks what’s happened, Peter incorrectly summarises: “They just announced a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas! The war is over!”

Peter then settles down to read beyond the headline. Peter quickly realizes he was wrong but doesn’t have the heart to correct himself to Naael. Naael then goes out into the world and spreads the good (fake) news.

Naael tells three of her friends about the ceasefire, those friends tell three of their friends, and within just a matter of hours, thousands of people believe the Israel-Palestine war has ended.

Thousands take to the streets to celebrate and the jubilations continue late into the night. Bystanders see the party and assume a ceasefire has occurred in Gaza, they can’t all be wrong, surely? And so the story spreads. Further, further, deeper and deeper, seeping into the minds of millions.

At last, this one great game of telephone comes to the desk of Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. He opens the intelligence report detailing the news of a ceasefire between Israel and Palestine. Bibi is confused. He does not remember signing such a ceasefire. He did sign one the other day, but that was with someone else…

Hmm. He has been fighting a lot of wars on a lot of fronts lately, it’s hard to keep them all straight. It definitely began with an ‘H’, Hamas? Hummus? Hezbollah? Hong Kong? It’s all very confusing. Maybe he did sign a ceasefire then. If everyone’s saying he did, then he must have done so. They can’t all be wrong…

Alright, says Bibi, hold the rockets, land the planes, fall back. The war is over.

Congratulations Peter, you were right all along.

In South Korea, a man has been convicted for attempting to avoid military service by binge eating until he became obese (for real though, I’m not making a story up this time). After being sentenced to a year in prison, the unnamed man (but let’s call him Egg) agreed to be drafted to avoid his prison sentence.

Military service is mandatory for all South Korean men under 28 but many will go to extreme lengths to avoid joining. Some get full-body tattoos, feign mental illness, or in Egg’s case, he “doubled his meal portions, refrained from physically demanding jobs such as parcel delivery work, and drank large amounts of water right before measurements.”

Egg was deemed fit for combat at his initial physical exam but during the final examination was judged to be heavily obese at a weight of 225lbs (102kg or roughly 2,400 eggs).

An unnamed friend (let’s call him Toast) was also sentenced to prison for encouraging Egg’s extreme weight gain but said he never thought his friend would go through with the plan. Perhaps he shouldn’t have EGGED him on. (It’s one thing to make a pun, it’s another to make a pun that you’ve completely contrived into existence. It feels so forced. I’m so ashamed. I’ve really got egg on my face.)

It is unclear if Egg will lose the weight before beginning active duty, however, he will likely be put on desk duty which is less dangerous than active duty but is sooo boring.

The story once again raises the debate over whether the draft should even exist or whether that law should be re-DRAFTed (oh Lord, I am a cowering worm, wet with shame). Famously the Korean K-Pop pop band of boys, BTS, the popular pop music boyband, is on hiatus as its members serve out their military service, sparing the world from their upbeat earworms until their reunion next year.

But drafting BTS might have been part of a larger plan. By folding K-Pop into the military, South Korea clearly seeks to weaponize BTS’s infectious tunes against North Korea. Journalists have already reported on elaborate concerts at the border. As North Koreans are forbidden from hearing music of any kind, these concerts hope to force the enemy soldiers to retreat and thus win strategic land for the South. Only now does it become clear that Korea’s government-funded K-Pop program is, and always has been, a military… PSY-op (Lord forgive me).

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