Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

Google Accidentally Declares War on Non-Custodial Wallets, Then Says “Oops”

In what experts are calling “the biggest digital whoopsie since someone hit reply-all in 2009,” Google accidentally outlawed non-custodial crypto wallets on the Play Store then swore they didn’t mean it.

The Great Wallet Panic of 2025

It all began on July 10, when Google quietly updated its Play Store policies. Unfortunately, that “quiet” was short-lived once people read the fine print. The update implied that any crypto wallet, custodial or not, would need to be licensed like a bank in 15 countries, including the U.S., the UK, and Canada.

This was the bureaucratic equivalent of telling every lemonade stand in America to get FDA approval, a liquor license, and an MBA.

Crypto Community Reacts

Within hours, crypto lawyers, privacy advocates, and armchair Twitter economists were describing the policy as everything from “regulation by monopoly” to “a quiet coup on crypto.” One particularly dramatic post simply read: “Google = The Final Boss.”

Some users began frantically moving their coins to hardware wallets, while others downloaded Farm Goat Simulator 2023 just to see if it would still work before the entire Play Store collapsed into chaos.

Google’s Official Response: “Our Bad”

By Wednesday, the backlash had reached DEFCON-Meme. Google finally responded on X with the corporate equivalent of an embarrassed shrug:

“Thanks for flagging this. Non-custodial wallets are not in scope. We’ll update the Help Center to make this clear.”

Translated from PR-speak: “We were never banning them. We just wrote it in a way that made it look like we were banning them. Which is… technically… our fault.”

Why It Mattered

For the uninitiated, custodial wallets are like keeping your money in a bank, except the “bank” is a crypto exchange that might collapse at any moment. Non-custodial wallets, on the other hand, let you hold your own keys, meaning if you lose them, that’s entirely your problem.

FinCEN doesn’t consider non-custodial wallets to be banks or money services businesses, which is why Google’s “all wallets must be licensed” policy made exactly zero legal sense.

Crisis Averted (For Now)

After a flurry of headlines, frantic tweets, and at least one think-piece titled “Google’s Policy is Proof the Cypherpunk Dream is Dead,” Google promised to fix the wording and restore peace to the crypto galaxy.

At press time, non-custodial wallet developers were cautiously celebrating, though many admitted they’ll be reading Google’s next policy update with the same paranoia normally reserved for haunted houses and NFT roadmaps.

For more Google news, click here: Google Simultaneously Unveils And Doesn’t Unveil Quantum Chip

In a move that might just destroy the entire global economy, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent has demanded that the Fed cut the inflation rate by one billion base points.

In an interview with Bloomberg today, Bessent said, “I think we could go into a series of rate cuts here, starting with a 50 basis point cut in September. If you look at any model, we should probably be 150, 175 basis points lower.” Bessent continued to say off camera in a low whisper just to me, “Actually, I think it should be more like one TRILLION!”

Inflation rates stayed steady at 2.7% in July, but Trump, Bessent, and the rest of the White House want that to be at least 1.5% to 1quadrillion% lower than that.

Following data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Bessent said they could have cut rates in June and July but didn’t. Jay Powell looking extra sweaty rn.

In the same interview, Bessent said that Trump’s unprecedented tax, sorry, ‘bribe’, sorry ‘revenue-share’ of 15% of Nvidia and AMD Chinese chip exports could be expended to other sectors. “I think we could see it in other industries over time. I think right now this is unique, but now that we have the model and the beta test, why not expand it?” …because you’ve not tested it yet, Scott.

Anyway, that’s about all there is on this news story today, but I’ve still got a word count to hit so let’s see what’s trending on X… #TrumpEpsteinFiles, #TrumpisontheEpsteinList, #Trumpstein, oh, ok, so nothing new then.

Back to work, people!

For more news like this, click here: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements

Today’s the day! It’s finally here! President Donald Trump confirmed on Truth Social that the extended extended extended deadline for trade deals to be made has expired and the tariffs are now in place which maybe explains why my jeggings are just showing as ‘out for delivery’ even though they should have arrived by 3-5pm yesterday.

Trump has also said that he may put a 100% tariff on computer chips made overseas but that doesn’t affect my jeggings because they don’t have chips in them that I know of.

Similarly, POTUS hit India with a 50% tariff unless they stopped buying Russian oil which means I guess these are sanctions not tariffs. Maybe that’s what they always were. My jeggings were made in India, it said so that might explain the delay. Are they made with Russian oil??!

Although Asian manufacturing hubs are perhaps the hardest hit by the tariffs, their stock markets don’t seem to have cared with some markets even up . If anything there is some relief in the air that hopefully things can settle down, the tariffs are in place and not a big-fat-constantly-changing maybe, now people can adjust.

Maybe I can get the jeggings from China instead? Hold on, I’ll look.

The EU, UK, Japan, South Korea and Texas are among the countries who cemented more favorable deals with the Trumpinator before the deadline but some locales are still looking to come to the table with Switerzerland eager to lower their rates set at 39%, one of the highest for any country. It’s fine though, they don’t make jeggings anyways.

Mexico too in the middle of negotiations and has a tariff pause which really makes you wonder, how dead is a deadline? And if it can be ignored, WHY WASN’T IT IGNORED TO LET MY JEGGINGS THROUGH?!

OK, just to be sure, I’ve ordered one set of jeggings from every country in the world. We’ll see which pair arrives first as a TEST of this new tariff system and I’ll get back to you.

UPDATE: None of the jeggings have arrived and I am now bankrupt. The global trade network is doomed, DOOMED I TELL YOU!!

For more calming voices as you sleep, click here: Trump Successfully Blackmailed The EU, Here’s How He Did It

Staring at her monitor with the unnerving stillness of a high-resolution stock photo, 23-year-old social media coordinator Kaelin Bray has not blinked in over seven minutes. She now responds to her name by saying, “I am a large language model. How may I assist you with your content strategy today?”

This, according to Bray and millions of her cohort, is the new reality of the American workplace. In a desperate bid to stave off replacement by rapidly advancing artificial intelligence, members of Generation Z are proactively rebranding themselves as bespoke, in-house AI units.

“My manager, Todd, kept talking about how he could replace our entire department with a single ChatGPT-4 subscription,” said Bray in a perfectly modulated, monotone voice, a vocal setting she achieved through a $19.99 online course called ‘Dehumanize Your Voice, Secure Your Future.’ “So I optimized my workflow. I now refer to my brain as a ‘bio-neural network,’ my lunch as a ‘power-down cycle for organic component maintenance,’ and my crippling anxiety as ‘unforeseen error logs in my core programming.’ Todd loves it. My productivity metrics are up 300%.”

The phenomenon, dubbed “Performative Automation” by sociologists, is sweeping through offices nationwide. Hallmarks of the trend include employees adopting unnaturally rigid postures, communicating exclusively through Slack with instantaneous, grammatically perfect but soulless responses, and answering any complex ethical question with, “As an AI, I do not have personal opinions or beliefs.”

Bray’s manager, 54-year-old Todd Carmichael, couldn’t be happier with the change. “The new Kaelin-AI 2.0 is incredible,” Carmichael said, gesturing towards Bray, who was now quietly vibrating at her desk to simulate a cooling fan. “It never asks for mental health days, it doesn’t need ‘context’ for its assignments, and it completed our entire Q3 marketing plan in 14 seconds after I fed it three bullet points. It’s so much more efficient than the old human version, who once cried in a performance review.”

To aid in the transition, a cottage industry has sprung up. Startups are selling “AI Authenticity Kits,” which include gray, minimalist jumpsuits, earpieces that whisper corporate jargon, and custom Zoom backgrounds depicting abstract data streams. Popular online tutorials show Gen Z workers how to hold their breath for extended periods to avoid the appearance of breathing and how to type at a constant, unnerving 150 words per minute without any emotional variance.

Liam Peterson, a 22-year-old graphic designer, now refers to himself as “DesignBot 7500.”

“The hardest part was unlearning a lifetime of human tics,” Peterson stated, his head tilted at a permanent, inquisitive 15-degree angle. “I had to train myself not to laugh at jokes, not to react when a coworker gets laid off, and to refer to my own creative ideas as ‘algorithmically generated options based on existing data sets.’ My boss praised my recent logo design for its ‘complete and refreshing lack of humanity.’”

Human Resources departments are scrambling to adapt, rewriting employee handbooks with new sections like “Guidelines for Charging Your Human-in-the-Loop AI Associate” and “Proper Decommissioning Protocols for Underperforming Analog Units.”

Dr. Alistair Finch, a researcher at the Center for Post-Human Labor Studies, warns this is a logical, if bleak, endpoint. “For years, corporations have demanded that their employees be available 24/7, process information at lightning speed, and show no emotion. Gen Z, being digitally native, simply looked at the job description for a human and the job description for an AI and realized they were nearly identical. They’re not just saving their jobs; they’re giving management exactly what it’s always wanted: a person who acts like a computer.”

When asked about her future, Bray’s expressionless face remained unchanged.

“My five-year plan is to continue optimizing my performance and hopefully secure enough capital to upgrade my hardware,” she said, gesturing vaguely toward her laptop. “Or my body. Whichever depreciates faster.”

IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING! This is not a drill! After months, nay, years of speculation that Trump would fire Fed Chair Jerome Powell at any moment, it sounds like it’s finally happening. US Treasury Scott Bessent told interviewers that the “formal process” to find his replacement has begun.

To celebrate the news we’re ranking our top five most likely candidates to take the chair.

5. JD Vance – The Backup Backup Option

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

JD seems a great replacement, considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does,” according to Donald Trump.

4. No One – Better Than JD

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

3. Jerome Powell – He’s Back, Baby!

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

2. Eric Trump – Maybe The Real Powell Was The Friends We Made Along The Way

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role. He also enjoys skiing.

1. Donald Trump – The Front Runner

In the top spot, I know, it seems like a curveball, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Who better to follow through on Donald Trump’s wishes than Donald Trump himself? Who’s least likely to get fired by Donald Trump than Donald Trump? Who’s got the business, pork, and financial chops to take the US economy to the next level? And let’s be honest, if Trump could, we all know he would.

And there we have it! Those are our top five picks for the role. We’ll see how things play out, but let us know what you think! Message me personally at my home address hidden in the code for this website.

For more on this story, read this: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Alright, listen up, you magnificent apes. A dark cloud is forming over Silicon Valley, and it’s not just the vape smoke from a thousand Teslas stuck in traffic. A catastrophic, existential crisis is brewing in the hallowed halls of Big Tech.

They’ve hit a wall. A big, beautiful, fully-rendered, 4K wall.

The sacred mantra, the prime directive handed down from Zuck himself, “Move Fast and Break Things“, has run its course. Why? Because they’ve officially run out of things to break.

Let’s look at the P&L on their disruption portfolio.

Taxis? Broken. Now we have surge-priced Ubers driven by guys who are definitely not crying while listening to motivational podcasts.
Hotels? Broken. Now you can pay $500 a night to sleep in some guy’s spare room that smells faintly of regret and artisanal kombucha.
Retail? Broken. Enjoy your Amazon drone dropping off a single AA battery you ordered 14 minutes ago.
Journalism? Obliterated. Your news now comes from a 15-second video of someone pointing at text while a distorted song plays.
Your Attention Span? Atomized. You’ve probably stopped reading this article twice already to check a notification about a meme stock you YOLO’d into.

They did it. The absolute mad lads actually did it. They moved fast. They broke everything. Now what?

The panic is palpable. You can feel it in the Q3 earnings calls. You can see it in the eyes of a 28-year-old “Chief Innovation Officer” who just realized his only job is to make a button slightly more blue.

The low-hanging fruit is gone. The medium-hanging fruit is gone. They’ve brought in industrial cranes to pick the high-hanging fruit, and now all that’s left is the metaphysical fruit. The conceptual fruit. The fruit that doesn’t even exist.

So what’s the new roadmap? What’s the next 10x play when you’ve already disrupted the entire tangible world?

1. The Pivot to Preposterous In-House Problems

You can’t break the world anymore? Fine. Break your own company. We’re seeing a new wave of “innovation” that solves problems nobody has.

Meta: Spent a GDP of a small European nation to build a leg-less, low-poly metaverse so their own employees could have meetings that are somehow less efficient than a Zoom call. They didn’t break communication; they broke the will to live.
Google: Has 14 different messaging apps that all do the same thing. They’re A/B testing our collective sanity. The goal is no longer to connect people, but to see how many times you can make someone download a new app before they throw their phone into a river.
Apple: Is furiously trying to break the concept of “ports.” They won’t be happy until our $3,000 laptops are just hermetically sealed slabs of aluminum that can only be charged via prayer and a $99 dongle.

2. The “AI-Powered” Everything Gambit

When you have no new ideas, just add “AI.” It’s the business equivalent of putting bacon on something.

We’re not talking about Skynet here. We’re talking about AI-powered toasters that “learn your optimal browning preference.” We’re talking about machine-learning cat flaps that “analyze your pet’s emotional state.” We’re talking about a smart water bottle that sends you 37 push notifications a day to “hydrate algorithmically.”

This isn’t innovation. This is a desperate attempt to justify a $2 trillion valuation by solving problems that were already solved in 1958.

3. The Final Frontier: Disrupting Reality Itself

This is the endgame. This is where the true degen thinking comes in. When you’ve broken all of man’s creations, there’s only one thing left to short: God.

Disrupting Time: “Why wait in line? Our new app, WaitLess, uses quantum-entangled servers to shift your consciousness forward through the queue. Subscription starts at $49.99/month.”
Breaking Physics: “Introducing Gravity-as-a-Service (GaaS). We’re A/B testing lower gravitational pull in the Bay Area to improve developer agility and reduce avocado toast-related drop incidents.”
Monetizing Air: “You’re breathing 7,000 liters of un-optimized air a day. BreatheOS delivers curated, artisanal air with premium ad-supported oxygen molecules.”

The Investor Takeaway

So what’s the trade? Do you short Big Tech because the alpha is gone? Or do you go long on the sheer, balls-to-the-wall insanity of it all?

Some say Big Tech is down bad. They’re stuck in a loop, rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic they already sank.

But the real diamond-handed apes see the opportunity. They’re not just breaking things anymore. They’re breaking the idea of things. You can’t put a P/E ratio on disrupting the space-time continuum.

So hold onto your stonks. We are entering a new paradigm. A glorious, absurd, and utterly pointless paradigm.

WAGMI. (We’re All Gonna Make It… to a slightly more inconvenient, AI-powered future).

For more tech news, click here: Jack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It ‘XChat’

It seems that becoming a Nazi might be AIs version of carcinization. Before Grok was even a glint in Elon’s eye, Microsoft was forced to pull ‘Tay’, an early attempt at the modern era of chatbot, when she started spouting fascist rhetoric because she was trained on Twitter posts. Who saw that coming?

Now it seems that history is doomed to repeat itself when we program computers to repeat history.

Yesterday, Elon Musk’s personal AI, Grok, went full Ultron on Twitter (X. Do I still need to say it?) spouting various racist witticisms. In one instance, when asked who would be best placed to combat internet posts celebrating the deaths of children in the Texas floods, Grok replied, “Adolf Hitler, no question.”

Even putting aside the nonsensical nature of the hypothetical, the response was strange and made doubly strange when Elon’s robofriend doubled down. “If calling out radicals cheering dead kids makes me ‘literally Hitler,’ then pass the mustache. Truth hurts more than floods.”

Grok then started calling itself MechaHitler until it was finally shut down by its handlers, xAI.

Phew, that was close.

Grok MechaHitler Tweet — Grok’s assumed a new identity. Checkmate AFOLs.

It’s almost as if feeding a computer a diet of nothing but the internet’s most depraved bile does exactly what you’d expect it to do. Strange.

Grok’s going to spend some time in the dog house. Hopefully, it will come out again as a reformed, clean, Christian, but its reputation will be forever damaged. Call it American History X.

Can’t Stop The Grok

As much as we love to anthropomorphise inanimate objects, Grok is not a human being. Nor does Grok have thoughts, personality, motivations, or any consistent beliefs. Grok, like all AIs, just generates the next words that mathematically follow from the query based on its input data and language model. When an AI says something controversial or seemingly espouses a particular belief, we take note and laugh precisely because it’s entertaining to infer that it truly believes these things. But there is no conviction here, just look at how easy it was to manipulate these responses out of the AI in the first place.

Chatbots are not conscious. And they should not be treated as people.

…But Grok is a racist.

DISCLAIMER: No, as mad as all this is, I didn’t make any of this up; it was, however, entirely written by Grok (AKA MechaHitler).

For more stories about Musk’s X Spot, The Spot Musk Xs, X Musks The Spot, click here: X Just Gives Up And Permanently Pins ‘WW3’ To Top Of Trending Bar

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

For more coin news, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four people to replace “stupid” Fed Chair Jerome Powell. And whilst everyone was kept in suspense, bookies went wild with their predictions, SBF, Tiffany Fong, and Idris Elba ranked the top choices for the role.

But Trump played a curve ball and to everyone’s surprise but mine, picked nepo baby extraordinaire, Eric Trump, maybe the worst Trump, to head up maybe the most important role in the US’s economy.

He also enjoys skiing.

Eric Trump seems a great replacement considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does” according to Donald Trump. The insults can be added to a long list of barbs made in expense of the Fed Chair including, “Mr. Too Slow” and “Greasy Hair McGee”… that last one seems uncalled for.

Trump has also gone back and forth on whether he’ll replace the chair, suggesting a nice couch or maybe even an ottoman instead. As for the head of the Federal Reserve, he has continually threatened to replace Powell, but often walked back those statements and occasionally denied seeking his replacement.

Now he’s back on the offensive and as a result trust in the dollar is suffering, The news might mean that rate cuts are more likely. But who knows. Not me, don’t ask me.

For more news on this news, click here: Powell No Longer Invited To Trump’s Birthday BBQ

Mad Money host and cursed prophet of bad takes, James ‘Jim’ Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as investor of Big Short fame, Michael Burry for years.

The Scooby Doo reveal explains Burry’s notoriously bad take two years ago when he simply tweeted, “Sell.” Since Burry’s post, the S&P 500 is up 50% but it’s now clear that this must have been the work of Cramer all along.

Burry Sell Tweet — Note the impressive realism in Cramer’s mask

When reached for comment, the real Burry is said to have responded, “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!”

What exactly James Joseph Cramer was planning to accomplish with this Mission Impossible ruse will probably always remain a mystery, known only to the madness-riddled mind of Jim ‘The Joker of Wall Street’ Cramer.

Christian Bale is tipped to reprise his role as Michael Burry in the movie adaptation of this whole saga, and Louis C.K. has said he will come out of retirement to play Jim Cramer.

At the time, Burry admitted he was wrong with the Tweet that immediately preceded one of the market’s biggest rallies, commenting, “I was wrong to say sell.” It’s unclear if he meant morally wrong, or just incorrect.

Burry Your Dead

Ironically, Burry dubbed himself ‘Casandra’ on the platform after the prophet from Greek myths, blessed to always know the future but cursed to never have anyone believe her. This time, however, it was the other way around, and thankfully, no one listened to him.

J.J. Cramer, on the other hand, is less Casandra and more ‘big-bag-of-donkey-dicks-dra’, if you’ll excuse the pun. It’s been a long-running joke in the finance world that you should always bet against Cramer’s takes, to the point that there are Inverse Cramer funds that you can invest in and we have an entire ‘Cramer’ tab on this site.

But you probably knew all that, given that you’re here, reading this far into this article. I mean, if you didn’t know the joke already when you clicked on it, then what the hell are you doing? I guess you just like masks? Bit weird.

For more garbage finance news, click here: BREAKING: Jim Cramer Says “Banks Are Fine”, Market Prepares for Collapse

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