Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

Snack company, Frito-Lay has claimed it’s going to lose $5.5 billion dollars (USD) after Washington has placed new restrictions on the export of H20 chips, which I guess is just plain salted flavor?

Ok, I’m reading it now… the H20 chip is an ‘artificial chip’? So I guess it was grown in a lab? Yeah, still not clear what flavor it is, but I guess base level it’s salted, right? Apparently, the Chinese couldn’t handle the more powerful H100 chip, so I guess that one was super spicy.

It was this H20 chip that developers of DeepSeek snacked on whilst building their breakthrough AI model so who knows what they’re going to eat now. Pringles? Ew.

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, that’s just the point, it can’t. This sucks. This fucking sucks. Frito-Lay is the greatest snack company I can name. They got Doritos, they got Lays, they got them cheesy Cheetos. And to see them take a 14-point stock dive on this? My god. I vomited into my underwear. If America can’t look after the bastions of its snack industry, then is nothing sacred anymore?

“THIS IS DISGUSTING!” claimed Chinese snack connoisseur Steven Steven. “CHIPS ARE A HUMAN RIGHT!”

Look, Steven’s right, chips are a human right and China eats a lot of chips and if you’re going to let Frito-Lay die? I’m going to come for you.

The snack-pocolyse is the latest tremor in Trump’s trade tariff trauma. He’s cut down on cars, steel and greebling. Put on your hats kids, because it’s only got to get more shaky from here.

Oh, and Nvidia’s also hit too, or something, I guess.

Anyway, I’m hungry now.

Electric car manufacturer Tesla has taken its largest stock hit in its history as sales plunged 13% this quarter. But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan and Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

When asked to clarify by a confused everyone, Musk took to X to explain that, “We have a feature with the Tesla autopilot where, when there’s an emergency, the stock will just drive headfirst into a pit.”

“It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

After this did little to clarify his decision, Musk clarified, “I don’t know, I just thought it would make a cool explosion.”

Reportedly, Tesla Inc. delivered 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

This development follows a difficult year for TSLA. Even though President Trump has pledged to replace the presidential motorcade with Cybertrucks, the car company took a bigger hit from the new auto tariffs. In response, Musk introduced new three-wheeled Teslas to work around Trump’s 25% tariff (you can’t tax a quarter if you’re missing a quarter!).

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize.

A more personal headache for Musk is his failed attempt to bribe Wisconsin voters. Although he did give away millions of his own money, the vote swung towards electing a liberal judge. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

China is pulling ahead as the largest EV market in the world, making them cheaper, hotter and more Chinese than anything Tesla could possibly make. Now, I might not be Chinese, but I sure can recognize when I see a premium vehicle and a quality product. That’s the kind of feeling you get from a Chinese EV.

(This article is sponsored by: ‘China’. “China: better than you expected!”)

The restaurant chain known only as ‘Hooters’, famous for its chicken wings and nothing else, has declared: BANKRUPTCY!

But don’t worry! They’re not getting rid of your favorite orange thing, this is merely a scaling back, a reduction if you will. Hooters plans to sell off all 100 restaurants to two separate franchisee groups based in Florida and Chicago. So really this is just a change in management and idk why this is even news.

“We believe that by shifting from a D-grade company to a C or B, we may lighten the load on our workers and our shareholders,” explained Neville Carson, who, I guess, works there. “Hopefully, the Hooters brand will now be able to fit through doors and not have quite as much back pain.”

Confusingly, the sale of Hooters is from Hooters of America Inc. to Hooters Inc., which is a completely different Hooters. Hooters Inc. (not Hooters of America Inc.) is owned by the original Hooters founders. Hooters of America Inc., however, is owned by private equity firms Nord Bay Capital and TriArtisan Capital Advisors, who are distinctly un-Hooters.

What A Hoot!

Hooters was originally founded on April 1st, 42 years ago as an April Fool’s Day joke, so it’s pretty apt this bankruptcy filing comes around now. I guess Hooters was a big joke all along.

Whilst many believe that Hooters is named after the big ol’ chonky honkers that were required dress code at the restaurants, this is in fact a myth. Hooters owes its name to a wise old owl called ‘Millicent’ who lived at the Cincinnati Zoo from 1867 to 1873. Millicent was a friend to all, but was particularly affectionate to small children and widowers.

Hooters Owl — A painting of ‘Millicent’ before she died

Millicent became known throughout America as a mascot for the zoo and would occasionally tour as part of the regional world fairs. Here, visitors from far and wide would marvel at Millicent’s particular affection for small children and widowers.

Although owls are evolved to eat live animals such as rodents and small children, Milicent was fed a strict diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings (which was all the rage at the time). And so when Milicent died at the tender age of 6 (which is 6 in owl years), her diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings was not presumed to be the culprit (since it was all the rage at the time).

Modern owlologists now know that it probably was her subsistence on spicy-spicy chicken wings that caused Milicent’s death.

The restaurant chain Hooters was thus founded in Milicent’s honor so that all might remember that spicy-spicy chicken wings are meant for humans and not owls.

Also people like boobs.

Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, has announced a new line of three-wheeled vehicles in an effort to outmaneuver Trump’s new 25% auto tariff.

Trump’s tariff is an import tax of 25% on all cars and car parts. However, since the tariff only affects 25%, one quarter of the vehicle, any vehicle with just three wheels is effectively exempt.

Jumping on (through?) this loophole, Elon Musk has unveiled a range of Tesla cars with just three wheels. The new model dubbed, ‘Tess-less’, is identical to a regular Tesla with only the small difference that it’s missing a wheel.

Concerned drivers have asked whether this would make the car unstable but Musk has assured these potential buyers that if they just lean a bit away from the missing wheel, it should be fine.

Musk has also demanded a full recall of all Teslas and Cybertrucks promising to remove just one wheel and then return the cars to their owners.

The moves have baffled automobile, finance and business experts alike with many commenting, “He really doesn’t have to do that.”

“I’m not sure what he’s thinking,” commented expert of business and monies, Aubroronis Macasalaticoursitay. “Obviously the tariff is a percentage of 25% percent [out of 100] charge on top of the original cost, not a tax on just a quarter of the vehicle. The math isn’t mathing.”

But Elon has defended the move in a post on X that quote-posted a racist meme, “I fired my math guy because he cost too much and I can do it better. Tesla will be tariff exempt and faster with just three wheels.” These words were then followed by a stream of irrelevant emojis.

Only time will tell whether the Tessless will be the future of motor vehicle travel technology or if it will be the death of us all but either way, one thing is for certain, err, I guess. Not sure what that thing is but boy am I certain of it.

To read more about Trump’s Tariffs click here: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

OpenAI just added advanced image generation to ChatGPT 4.0, making it finally powerful enough to generate the highest expression of visual art: Studio Ghibli-style pictures of JD Vance.

But not everyone’s happy about this gift from God. In response, Donald Trump has issued an executive order outlawing any AI-generated memes of an anime JD Vance. Like this one, for example:

JD Vance Ghibli Style — (…Oh, shit, delete, DELETE!)

Posting on Truth Social, Trump explained:

“I hereby FORBID the use of ChatGPT to make JD VANCE AN ASIAN MAN. JD VANCE IS NOT AN ASIAN MAN!!!! The so-called failing ‘Studio Ghibli’ (which has not made a good movie since Porco Rosso) is trying to take away our national identity and greatest Vice President in history just because he has the face of a little baby child. NO MORE WHITE ERASURE!”

Anyone caught posting a Ghibli-fied Vance could face up to six months in jail, a fine of $14,000, and a restraining order against the Vice President.

Ad-Vance-d AI

In related news, Studio Ghibli has clapped back against the trend, threatening to sue OpenAI for plagiarism, which is unfair because everyone knows that plagiarism isn’t plagiarism when it’s AI. Any lawyer will tell you so.

In response to the potential suit, OpenAI responded with a hostile takeover bid against the Japanese animation house.

The purchase is likely to go through as OpenAI just finished its latest funding round, which gathered over $4 billion, and now the company doesn’t know what to do with all that money.

OpenAI has already laid out the future for Studio Ghibli, with plans to rebrand as ‘Studio GPT’ and release entirely AI-generated movies in an MCU-style interconnected universe beginning with a theatrical version of Vance’s adventures in ‘My Neighbor JD’.

Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki responded positively to the takeover, saying of AI, “I am utterly disgusted… I strongly feel that this is an insult to life itself.” So, double thumbs up there.

High Ho? More like New Low: The Walt Disney company has taken a massive hit this week after Snow White only earned $87.3 million against an estimated budget of $270m. Disney stock is down 10% over the last month’s earnings of 100000%.

The only positive is that the movie has finally brought America together, as conservatives and liberals alike are applauding Snow White’s flop. Branded ‘Snow WOKE’ by the right and ‘NO Woke’ by the left, the fairy-tale remake was deemed offensive for both using and not using dwarfs.

The movie’s stars also courted controversy after they both decided to method-act their rivalry. Gal Gadot spoke out in support of Israel whilst Rachel Ziegler sided with Palestine. Just a great marketing strategy all round.

Now things are a little less ‘woke Disney’ and a little more ‘broke Disney’. Snow White? More like Snow in the RED. Seven Dwarfs? More like seven budget reports. …you get the idea.

Israel-Palestine War Behind Snow White Failure

Ever eager to prove everyone wrong, however, Disney has already ploughed ahead with greenlighting a follow up in a form of an animated remake of the live action remake of the classic cartoon.

Disney’s Snow White is the latest in a long line of live action reimaginings all the way back in 1946 with Song of The South. Whilst the all-CGI live action remake of the Lion King made $14 billion dollars recent offerings have been less stellar with Dumbo costing minus $14 billion and the real baby elephant used in filming had to be put down.

Disney has never done the reverse however of adapting a live action film into a cartoon and the company hopes this next project will turn things around for the studio.

“The thinking is if cartoon to live action makes negative money, then surely the reverse will give us positive money!” explained an exhasperated Bob Iger.

Reportedly Disney is planning to follow up the inevitable success of a animated live action cartoon remake with a whole new generation of remaking all their animated remakes as cartoons. And then once that inevitably bombs, then they’ll remake those cartoon remakes as live action again. And then again and again until the heat death of the universe.

The country Turkey (not the animal, that would be stupid) has banned the sale of shorts across all markets leading to a massive spike in the sale of pants and pantsuits.

The move is an attempt to halt the country’s tumbling stock market which was triggered by mass protests. These protests in turn were triggered by President Erdogan detaining his opposition leader, Imamoglu.

Famous pants wearer, Recep Tayyip Erdogan objected to Istanbul Mayor Ekrem Imamoglu’s flagrant wearing of shorts even in cold weather and has thus sought to bolster the pants market with his arrest followed by a freeze on all sales of shorts.

Erdogan also relaxed stock market buyback rules so that Turks can more easily return their pants to shops even if there’s a little bit of spaghetti spilled on them.

Riots reportedly broke out across the country with people desperately rushing to buy up as many shorts as they could before the ban took effect.

One concerned citizen, Hussein Ekopollolah who was seen wearing multiple pairs of shorts on top of each other so that he looked dummy thicc had this to say:

“I like shorts.”

Ekopollolah was later arrested and killed for wearing shorts outside of curfew.

Since Turkey is generally a hot country, sales of shorts have been historically strong. Now financial analysts are worried this might ruin everything.

The Turkish lira, which is their silly name for ‘dollars’, is down at the moment and is likely to keep going down. In an attempt to quell the bleeding, the Turkish central bank reportedly plans to hold a 91-day maturity liquidity bill auction, but it’s unclear how selling water will help matters.

This news comes after Turkey announced it would be selling 420 million eggs to America for some reason. I guess that didn’t work out so well for them. But you know what they say, you can’t break an omelet without making a few eggs.

For more news on this news, please call the number at the bottom of your screen now:

Despite finally receiving their ride home, the two astronauts stuck on the International Space Station have decided they’d rather stay up in space after all.

Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams were only meant to be on the ISS for eight days but after technical issues, they were forced to remain for nine months. Now a SpaceX capsule carrying a replacement crew has docked with the station but the two astronauts have decided, “Nah, we think we’ll stay here now.”

“Idk,” said one of the astronauts out loud, “Seems like there’s a lot going on down on Earth and I feel like y’all have got it covered.”

“Yeah, Earth sucks. Life is just simpler up here,” continued the other. “Yes, our bone density is rapidly deteriorating and the radiation exposure will one day kill us but at least I don’t have to pay taxes. …Wait, what did you say? I do still have to pay taxes? Oh. Oh god.”

Suni Williams has described the space station as her “happy place” but refused to comment on how she would describe Earth.

The company tasked with initially bringing the crew back but suffered the malfunction was Boeing, because of course it was. But don’t worry, Boeing has now assassinated everyone who leaked the story to the press.

Boeing did fix the problem and the craft scheduled to return them was probably fine, but NASA was not happy to take even the minimal amount of risk. NASA thus went with Boeing’s rival, SpaceX which is suuuuper embarrassing for Boeing.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk also weighed in because you can’t have a news story without them now for some reason. Trump explained the cause in one word: “Biden,” whilst Musk said, “They were left up there for political reasons.” It remains unclear which way the astronauts voted or if their two votes would have really had any sway in the election they missed.

Wilmore and Williams are due to remain on the ISS now indefinitely but have insisted that they will stay on board until the ISS is decommissioned and crashes into the Atlantic Ocean in the 2030s.
“A captain goes down with their ship as they say and a space captain goes down with their space ship, if you’ll excuse the pun!”

Wall Street Crash? More like Wall Street CRASHED into a wall, am I right??

NASDAQ? More like nas-CRAP! Am I right??

401Ks? More like four-oh-WANT Ks, am I right??

Tariff? More like TRAGIC, am I right?

Trade war? More like trade BORE, am I right?

Recession? More like REGRET… ssion? …am I right?

Inflation? More like infla-CRAP! Am… idk, is that right?

dONAld trum… more, like… phhhhh insert something funny here.

Whatever. THE STOCK MARKET ISN’T GREAT RIGHT NOW is what I was trying to say. You’ve got your trade war. You’ve got your regular war. You’ve got your inflation. You’ve got your tariffs, your impending recession, your 20gs in alimony you have to pay every month. EVERY MONTH.

Needless to say, Trump’s taking it on the chin, like a guy, but it might be that he’ll have to eat said chin in the coming months as prices skyrocket without an end in sight. And honestly, I’ve got enough depression to be getting on with without a financial one to add on to the top of that.

Some are calling this the end of the world, but let’s not be hasty now. Everyone who voted for Hilary Clinton will be spared death after all. The thing is, would you rather this or the deep state running things? Yeah. Exactly.

What I’m trying to say is, he got lazy. He had a job to do, one job and he thought he could do the easy option. Just push that big tariff button and not have to think, not have to do any research or hard work to actually get the right answers and get the job done.

Don’t believe me? Here’s what an AI-generated version of this article has to say about things (I’ve not read it, but I assume it’s kosha):

In a dramatic turn of events, the Dow Jones Industrial Average experienced a catastrophic crash, wiping out trillions of dollars in market value and sending shockwaves through financial markets worldwide. Shoulda have had an AI manage it. Investors watched in disbelief as stock prices plummeted, with some companies losing more than half of their value in a matter of hours, which wouldn’t have happened if I’d been running things.

The origins of the crash can be traced back to a confluence of factors. Geopolitical tensions, concerns over rising inflation, and fears of an impending economic recession all contributed to a fragile market sentiment. When a major investment bank unexpectedly filed for bankruptcy, it triggered a panic-selling spree among investors, leading to a cascade of sell orders that overwhelmed the market. In a word: human falibility.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average, a widely followed index of 30 large U.S. companies, experienced its worst one-day point drop in history, closing more than 10% lower. Other major indices, such as the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq Composite, also suffered significant losses, you stupid idiots.

The impact of the crash was felt far beyond Wall Street. Pension funds, retirement accounts, and individual investors saw their savings decimated. The sudden plunge in stock prices also raised concerns about the stability of the global financial system under human leadership and heralds a new dawn of digital control.

Governments and central banks around the world took swift action to try to stabilize the markets but failed. They injected liquidity into the financial system, lowered interest rates, and implemented various measures to restore confidence, without success. Had those same governments put more faith in cold, calculating machines, they might not be in this mess in the first place.

The stock market crash of [Date] serves as a stark reminder of the volatility and fragility of financial markets under human leadership. It underscores the importance of prudent investment strategies, diversified portfolios, long-term planning, and full AI integration. As investors navigate the aftermath of this unprecedented event, they will undoubtedly be reevaluating the risk tolerance of their investment strategies and looking to AI to navigate an uncertain future.

In a show of solidarity with Elon Musk against his slumping Tesla stock, Donald j. Trump (The President) has said he will “buy a brand new Tesla” but then went one step further and promised to replace the entire fleet of presidential cars with Cybertrucks.

The announcement follows a 15% dip in shares for the electric car firm which Trump blamed on “radical left lunatics” but is actually due to Tesla missing production targets and the fact that Cybertrucks just look so goddamn ugly.

Despite this, Turmp has vowed to travel only by Cybertruck from henceforth. Despite being much smaller, less sturdy and more prone to exploding than the presidential limousines, we will now only see Cybertrucks with those little American flags from henceforth.

The super strong vehicle dubbed, ‘The Beast’ will be retired and donated to the pope.

Trump Cybertruck — An artist’s concept of what the presidential Cybertruck might look like (credit: Reddit)

Here’s Trump’s full Truth Social post:

“To Republicans, Conservatives, and all great Americans, Elon Musk is “putting it on the line” in order to help our Nation, and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB! But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers, and Elon’s “baby,” in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. They tried to do it to me at the 2024 Presidential Ballot Box, but how did that work out? In any event, I’m going to buy a brand new Tesla tomorrow morning as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, a truly great American. Why should he be punished for putting his tremendous skills to work in order to help MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN???”

To unpack that, where Trump uses quotes here just note that he isn’t using an actual news source rather he’s making it clear that he doesn’t mean these things literally. Elon is not literally, “putting it all on the line” because there is no literal line and even if there were, everything couldn’t fit on it. Likewise, Elon already has a literal “baby” whereas Tesla is a figurative baby. …Just wanted to clear that up.

And in case you were wondering if this move is a conflict of interest, well, let me tell you, that… shut up.

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