Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Amazon founder and part-time rocket enthusiast Jeff Bezos is back in the news, and no, it’s not for wearing another questionable cowboy hat.

This time, the world’s favorite centibillionaire has officially jumped headfirst into the AI hype train with a brand new startup called Prometheus.

But while half the planet is sweating bullets about a robot taking over their desk, Bezos is out here claiming the exact opposite is about to happen.

Don’t worry, AI will make MORE jobs, apparently?

According to a fresh interview with The Wall Street Journal, Bezos rejects the popular doom-and-gloom narrative that artificial intelligence is going to spark mass unemployment. Instead, he thinks we’re heading straight toward a massive “labor shortage”.

Yes, you read that correctly. Jeff thinks AI is going to create so much productivity and economic growth that we won’t have enough humans to fill all the new opportunities. He even joked that households might drop down to a single income because the productivity boom will be that insane.

It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.

Greek myth Prometheus worked out fine, right?

So, what exactly is this new venture? Prometheus isn’t just another chatbot designed to write your high school English essays.

Valued at a casual $41 billion right out of the gate, the company has already secured $12 billion from heavy hitters like JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, and BlackRock.

The mission? Build an “artificial general engineer” capable of designing and manufacturing insanely complex physical hardware, like jet engines.

Bezos is co-leading the charge alongside Google veteran Vik Bajaj, and they’re already eyeing a staggering $100 billion fund to buy up traditional manufacturing businesses and inject them with heavy doses of AI.

But there’s more…

Bezos isn’t the only tech bro trying to capitalize on the boom. He joins the ranks of Uber’s Travis Kalanick, Coinbase’s Brian Armstrong, and Robinhood’s Vlad Tenev in launching major new AI projects.

“This is the best time to start a company,” Bezos declared, calling the current era a “multitude of golden ages” happening simultaneously.

Whether AI actually creates a labor shortage or just makes it easier for robots to build space rockets remains to be seen. But one thing is for sure: Wall Street is throwing billions at it, and Jeff is ready to maximize those profits.

Related: Read about how AI has feelings, apparently?

Just when you thought Elon Musk couldn’t get any bigger, his space exploration side-hustle is out here casually flexing on the entire US financial market. According to the latest face-melting financial data, SpaceX’s private valuation has rocketed so high that it now nearly equals the combined value of every major US IPO launched since the year 2000.

Yes, you read that correctly. One single company that makes big shiny metal tubes go whoosh is currently worth about the same as a quarter-century’s worth of Wall Street debutants combined.

To the moon? Nah, straight past the balance sheet

While regular companies have to go through the absolute nightmare of public listings, answering to angry shareholders, SpaceX is just chilling in the private sector, soaking up venture capital like a sponge.

The math here is genuinely staggering. Think about every buzzy tech startup, every overhyped app, and every massive corporate spin-off that has hit the public markets with a ringing bell over the last 26 years. SpaceX looked at that entire mountain of corporate capitalism and said, “Hold my freeze-dried space ice cream.”

Regular IPOs are so last millennium

For years, the dream for any red-blooded American startup was to launch an IPO, get a fancy ticker symbol, and watch the stock chart go up and to the right. But Elon seems to have cracked a different code. Why bother with the public markets when private investors are willing to value your Mars-bound passion project at a GDP level that could rival a medium-sized European nation?

It turns out that building reusable rockets that actually land themselves on tiny drone ships in the middle of the ocean is a pretty decent business model. Who knew? While the rest of the market is sweating over interest rates and inflation data, SpaceX is just focused on making sure Starship doesn’t accidentally trigger a fireworks show over Texas.

At this rate, by the time Elon actually puts boots on the red planet, SpaceX might just buy the New York Stock Exchange outright and rename it the Interplanetary Stonks Exchange. Stay tuned, because the valuation orbit isn’t slowing down anytime soon.

The ultimate Chad of the aerospace world, Elon Musk, is reportedly getting ready to share the wealth. Word on the street is that SpaceX is eyeing a massive initial public offering (IPO), and it’s about to mint a brand-new army of millionaires.

According to a report by Bloomberg, the upcoming public debut is projected to create a staggering 4,000 new millionaires. But before you start crying into your ramen because you didn’t learn how to build reusable rocket boosters, wait until you hear who is getting a piece of the pie.

Pass the gravy, and the stock options

We’re not just talking about the geniuses with PhDs who calculate orbital mechanics while sipping $9 oat milk lattes. The wealth generation is hitting the ground floor—literally. Thanks to some seriously generous employee stock option packages, even some of the SpaceX cafeteria staff are set to join the seven-figure club.

Imagine scooping mashed potatoes onto a tray at 11:30 AM and checking your portfolio at 11:32 AM to realize you can buy the entire restaurant.

From flipping burgers to flipping assets

While most of us are out here trying to day-trade meme coins or praying our favorite stocks finally hit the moon, these kitchen legends were playing the long game just by showing up to work. It turns out that ladling soup for the guys trying to colonize Mars is the highest-yielding side hustle on the planet.

This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “secure the bag.” Move over, Wall Street analysts; the real alpha was hidden in the lunch lady’s apron the entire time.

When do we get our rocket ship?

Of course, an IPO of this magnitude means the hype train is officially leaving the station. While the rest of the market tries to figure out what the Federal Reserve is going to do next, Elon is busy turning everyday workplace benefits into generational wealth.

So, if you’re currently looking for a career pivot, forget updating your LinkedIn with coding certificates. Just go grab a hairnet, brush up on your sourdough skills, and see if SpaceX’s catering department is hiring.

Move over, basic chatbots. Anthropic just dropped its brand-new Claude Fable 5 and Claude Mythos 5 models, unleashing what the tech world is calling a massive leap forward in logic and “long-horizon agentic work”. If you thought your current AI was smart for fixing your broken Excel formulas, this new tech is built for deep software engineering, complex data analysis, and autonomous work that can literally run for days without you touching it. Stripe even tested it early and claimed the model compressed months of engineering migrations into a single day.

This AI is smart enough to pass the bar, but it comes with a digital nanny

According to Anthropic’s official announcement, Claude Fable 5 represents their most capable widely released model to date. It boasts state-of-the-art capabilities across massive coding projects and reading nested charts or diagrams inside heavy financial PDFs.

But here’s the twist: it’s insanely intelligent, but it also comes with a corporate chaperone. Because the underlying architecture is so powerful that it allegedly drew nervous glances from governments and banks due to its raw cybersecurity capabilities, Anthropic built heavy safety classifiers into the public Fable 5 version. If you try to ask Fable 5 to help you with offensive cybersecurity hacking or shady biological research, the AI will essentially freeze up and quietly hand your prompt over to a less powerful, standard model (Claude Opus 4.8) to give you a safe answer instead.

Double the brainpower, double the pain for your wallet

For the true enterprise degens who want the raw, completely unrestricted power to hunt for software bugs or design molecules, Anthropic also launched Claude Mythos 5. The catch? It’s locked behind a highly exclusive, limited release program called Project Glasswing for vetted corporate partners and security researchers.

Whether you’re using the guarded Fable 5 or the elite Mythos 5, it is going to cost you serious capital. Both models are priced at a whopping $10 per million input tokens and $50 per million output tokens. Anthropic’s head of product management claims the extreme accuracy and token efficiency will actually save corporations money in the long run by delivering a higher ROI per task, but your bank account might still feel the burn if you let this thing run autonomously for a week straight.

If you’ve walked past a dealership lot lately and thought the sticker prices looked less like a standard monthly liability and more like the gross domestic product of a small island nation, congratulations: your eyeballs are working perfectly.

The average price of a new car in the United States has officially climbed to a near-record high of $51,613. For those keeping score at home, that is roughly the cost of a vintage Rolex, a year of private college tuition, or approximately 4,000 shares of whatever garbage memecoin your cousin is currently shilling in the family group chat. We used to buy cars to get to work; now we need a second career just to afford the windshield wipers.

Why Buy a House When You Can Just Live In a Car?

According to recent automotive industry data, the relentless march toward the mid-50k mark isn’t just because microchips are fancy now or because the leather seats are stitched by artisanal monks. It’s because the American consumer has collectively decided that compact, sensible sedans are entirely out of style, opting instead for massive, steel-plated land yachts and luxury electric vehicles that require a second mortgage just to drive off the lot.

The Pickup Premium: The top-selling trucks in the country are routinely trading hands for north of $65,000, which is wild considering most of them are only hauling groceries.
The Extinction Event: Sub-$20,000 cars are officially rarer than a crypto day-trader who actually pays their taxes.

Dealerships aren’t even trying to hide the pain anymore. Financing terms are stretching out longer than a Monday morning corporate sync. We’re talking 72-month, 84-month, and even 96-month auto loans just to keep the monthly payment under four figures. By the time you finally make your last payment on that 2026 crossover, it will literally qualify for a classic car license plate.

Good Luck Out There To All You Pedestrians

So, what are your options if you don’t happen to have an extra 50 grand burning a hole in your pocket? Well, you can always take a look at the used car market, but word on the street is that a 2012 Honda Civic with a dented bumper, a missing hubcap, and 180,000 miles on the odometer is still going to cost you your firstborn child and a kidney.

Alternatively, public transit is always an option…assuming you like sitting next to a guy playing techno music out of his phone speakers at 7:00 AM while the train runs 45 minutes late. Either way, the era of the cheap American road trip is officially on life support.

He didn’t save his life or anything, calm down.

Meet Antonio Gracias, a private investor from Detroit who might just be Elon Musk’s best friend.

You see, when Tesla was on the edge of bankruptcy, it was Gracias that stepped in with a $1 million loan that saved the company and Elon’s ass. Thank you, Gracias.

Ever since then, the two have been inseparable, appearing at mutual weddings and vacationing together on private islands (hopefully not that one).

But as well as real buddies, they’re also business buddies with Gracias on the board of Tesla, SpaceX, SolarCity, The Boring Company, and he even served in the Department of Government Efficiency (or DOGE if you’re being efficient).

But of course, it’s SpaceX that’s the real gold mine, because with over 500 million shares in the rocket company (7.3%), Gracias is in for the motherload of all paydays when SpaceX goes public.

At a $1.75 trillion (!) valuation, Gracias would be looking at an insane $90 billion bump, and if that becomes a $2 trillion valuation, he’d be cashing out $140 billion.

Whatever happens, Gracias is about to rocketed to the top 50 richest people alive. He’s probably the person set to gain the most from SpaceX’s IPO, other than Elon…

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE

It’s not just the IPO that Gracias is due to cash in because his equity firm, Valor Equity Partners, has leased vital GPUs to SpaceX, and those leases mean Elon will have to pay out another $20 billion to Gracias.

Man, with friends like these…

Crucially, though, the liability SpaceX has to Valor will transfer to the shareholders once SpaceX goes public. It’s complicated, but it’s being treated as a “failed sale leaseback,” meaning that yeah, SpaceX owes money to one of its own board members.

It’s just one of the many financial knots that’s unraveling as the world gets more transparency on SpaceX’s inner workings.

And when SpaceX finally does go public, we’ll likely see many more.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE WAS IN NO WAY SPONSORED BY SPACEX, AND THE FACT I ALSO HAVE PRIVATE EQUITY IN THE COMPANY IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, SO STOP ASKING.

Warren Buffett, the billionaire, playboy, philanthropist behind Berkshire Hathaway, has said he’ll be putting 90% of the inheritance that’ll go to his wife in just one fund.

In a 2013 letter to shareholders, Buffett said, “One bequest provides that cash will be delivered to a trustee for my wife’s benefit,” he wrote. “My advice to the trustee could not be more simple: Put 10% of the cash in short-term government bonds and 90% in a very low-cost S&P 500 index fund.”

And that’s it.

For Buffett, the S&P 500 was always the way to go, and over ten years later, he wasn’t wrong. The S&P 500 has effectively always been on the up since the great depression, basically Buffett’s whole life.

All You Can Eat Buffett

It’s this kind of advice that has earned Buffett the moniker ‘the Oracle of Omaha’ and delivered Berkshire gains of 4,384,748% from 1964 to 2023. Not bad.

But although Buffett might pick ‘the stocks that make ‘em pop’ himself, for the average investor, he recommends a simpler strategy like the S&P 500 all the way.

“I do not think the average person can pick stocks,” he said in a 2021 shareholders meeting, and for the layperson, it seems likely he’d recommend the simple investment fund strategy.

As for the last 10%, Buffett’s recommendation of government bonds is a sensible, low-risk strategy that offers high liquidity and is backed up by the government. It’s a smart move for a smaller portion of your assets. Buffett approved.

Of course, at 95 years young, Buffett may have stepped down from Berkshire Hathaway, but no doubt will still be heavily involved in his finances.

His wife might have to wait a little while before she tries another strategy.

The age of agentic AI trading is upon us (if it wasn’t already) with Robinhood, one of the world’s most popular trading platforms, launching agentic stock trading and AI-powered shopping.

Get ready for everyone’s portfolio to pile into Nvidia.

Agentic Trading will enable customers to instruct AI to balance portfolios and conduct investment strategies. Robinhood’s AI will not be able to spell ‘strawberry,’ however.

And when it comes to AI shopping, users will use their virtual Robinhood Gold credit card to instruct AI to make purchases.

“A sneakerhead can tell their agent to buy a coveted new release in their size whenever it drops below $300,” the company’s press release explains, and “A foodie can instruct their agent to book the most exclusive restaurant reservation in town as soon as their preferred date and time becomes available.”

“And if that sneakerhead and that foodie happen to bump into each other and fall in love on the way to their purchases, well, maybe that was AI too.” Ok, Robinhood didn’t say that, but that would be a cool feature, right?

AI trading? But I can barely do it myself!

The AI credit card thing isn’t necessarily groundbreaking stuff, with Stripe and Ramp also offering virtual cards, and Visa and Mastercard have opened up to processing such cards. But Robinhood is the first big retail brand to offer this kind of virtual shopping to its users. Plus, it’s gold. Does anyone else have that? No.

And with 700,000 Robinhood Gold customers, we might see a sea change in AI’s role in commerce.

“Our mission has always been to democratize finance for all, and now, that mission extends to AI agents,” explains Robinhood CEO Vlad Tenev, maybe not realising that AI doesn’t currently have a vote.

Obviously, there are guardrails in place so that these AI agents don’t automatically bet it all on black. The virtual credit card will be separate from users’ actual gold card (not actually made of gold). And the agentic trading accounts are also separate from the people’s main portfolios.

But we have seen AI breakouts in the past, so there is obviously a worst-case scenario where this goes awry. But then again, maybe that won’t happen.

It’s worth a shot, right?

Elon Musk (or ‘Elomusk’ for short) is rumored to be considering a SpaceX/Tesla merger just before SpaceX goes for its long-gestating IPO (‘initial public offering’ for long).

Apparently, Musk has discussed this option with colleagues, according to “people familiar with the talks,” according to CNBC (according to me).

Will We Get Electric Vehicles On Mars?

The move would follow a long line of self-mergers (those are rare) that Elon has enacted with his companies.

This year, SpaceX absorbed xAI, and before that, the social media platform X was absorbed by xAI, and before that, a giant cloud of dust and gas coalesced into the sun and planets that we call our solar system.

It’s a smart move because xAI + SpaceX makes for a much tastier IPO (now estimated to hit $1.25 trillion), and despite their seemingly disparate products, SpaceX’s plans to launch orbital AI datacenters are, in fact, very much aligned with xAI’s tech.

So why not repeat the move with Tesla?

Like xAI was before the merger, Tesla is also struggling financially and could do with the rocket boost that SpaceX would bring. Elon has already pivoted Tesla away from making cars and towards making AI and robots. Why not throw rockets into the mix?

Plus, Tesla and SpaceX already cross-pollinate many resources, like staff members, research, and that one time SpaceX launched a Roadster into space for some reason.

And most importantly, Elon will now only need one email address.

SpaceTeXla

Now the only question that remains is what the company will be called?

Technically, SpaceX’s full legal name is Space Exploration Technologies Corporation, and SpaceXAI is a division of that company (formerly called X.AI Corp). Tesla, meanwhile, is simply Tesla, Inc (boring).

So it seems clear that the only possible option for a name that acknowledges all this heritage is:

SpaceX.AIplorationTeslachnologiesCorp.oration, Inc.

But maybe we should just start calling it ‘Elon’s Company’ for short.

SpaceX’s IPO filing is in! And with these files comes the biggest tranche of juicy info since some other files were released (the UFO files, obviously). But perhaps the biggest reveal from these documents is just how big Anthropic’s investment actually is.

As previously reported, earlier this month, Anthropic struck a deal with SpaceX to use its Memphis-based Colossus data facility (the world’s largest AI supercomputer) to increase Claude’s computing capacity by a massive 300 megawatts.

But now the exact figures behind the deal have been revealed and the numbers are staggering.

According to the filing, Anthropic will pay SpaceX $1.25 billion a month until May 2029. Although the agreement could be terminated with 90 days’ notice by either party, should it stay in place, the windfall could be as much as $40 billion for SpaceX.

The money is a much-needed sweetener ahead of SpaceX’s upcoming IPO, as the filing also revealed SpaceX’s deepening financial troubles.

Last year, SpaceX was operating at a net loss of $4.9 billion. And in the first three months of this year, that loss was $4.3 billion. Although the company pulls in billions in revenue and has hundreds of billions in assets, the company also has $60.5 billion in debt.

Anthropic to the rescue

Here is where the Anthropic deal starts to fall into place.

Claude’s daddy is providing an essential revenue stream to the company. Elon was clearly playing 4D chess with the xAI/SpaceX merger, seeing that AI is the future of tech (or at the very least a modern gold rush).

By combining xAI with SpaceX, Elon secured Anthropic’s investment and signalled the company’s ambitions to put AI data centres into orbit.

All of which makes for a much tastier IPO, regardless of the debt and revenue shortfall.

And of course, it’s Elon himself who will take home the massive win when SpaceX does gain its ticker. With a potential valuation of $1.25 trillion, Musk’s majority ownership could be worth more than $600 billion.

If all goes according to plan, that would make Elon Musk the world’s first trillionaire.

We’ll wait and see how the IPO actually pans out but one thing’s for certain, SpaceX is going to da moon.

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