Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Small nuclear reactor manufacturer, NuScale (SMR), just got a 15% stock boost on Wednesday after the US Army of all people just slid a whole pile of chips their way whilst saying, “All in.”

They’re calling it the “Janus Program” which doesn’t sound evil at all and the idea is fast track these mini nuclear reactors so they become the future of clean, green, glowing green energy. Definitely nothing to do with making nuclear warheads or anything like that we promise.

Like everything these days, it all goes back to Donald Trump who demanded that military bases have operational reactors by 2028. The idea being that if one gets attacked, the whole thing’s wiped off the map.

NuScale had an all time low in April but now they’re up an explosive 375% from then. Fuck me.

nuclear power graph — Here’s a handy graph to explain… oh, shit, wait, no wrong graph

The thing is, nuclear has long been the future of energy, yes, radiation is dangerous, but modern power plants are pretty safe and way more efficient and less polluting than fucking windfarms which kill clouds.

But massive disasters like Chernobyl, Fukushima, Three-Mile Island, and that one time I farted so bad my grandma died have given nuclear power a bad rep (wrap?). Now when people think of nuclear power, they think of glowing green goo and three-armed mutants with whatever the opposite of superpowers are.

Oh and also the looming threat of nuclear war, that’s another one… huh, maybe it’s not so good…

A Nuclear Explosion But The Good Kind

So now companies like NuScale are looking to change this perception that and it seems these mini-reactors, like you might get on a nuclear submarine, may be the future of the tech. For one thing, they’re cheaper, easier to maintain, and at least 1 times less likely to explode than my ass.

Accelerating the push is those thirsty, thirsty AIs which need at least a gigawatt of electrical electricity per day. Private nuclear reactors, maybe even pocket-sized ones, might be on the horizon and it’s all thanks to Grok.

So take that, Iran.

For more on this story read this: Big Tech Invests In Nuclear Energy To Save Planet, No, Wait Sorry, I Meant ‘To Save AI’

Shit, do you think the President has some kind of insider knowledge or something?

When Donald Trump anointed himself “the Bitcoin President,” he wasn’t lying: DJT is now one of the largest Bitcoin investors in the world.

No one knows exactly how much he has but it’s estimated that Trump holds about $870 million in BTC and back in June he made about $1 billion from this asset alone. Whew.

Now this info isn’t in any government disclosure of presidential assets, it’s not on Trump’s website, and it’s certainly not on his tax returns because we’re as likely to see that as we are to see the Epstein files.

No, all Trump’s Bitcoin is wrapped up in Truth Social, Trump Media and Technology Group, and a shifty corp called DT Marks Defi LLC. Boy, I wonder what that ‘DT’ stands for…

Yes, it’s shell companies all the way down.

What’s he trying to hide? Is he embarrassed to be a crypto bro? Damn, Don, you’re now the biggest crypto bro out there.

And this is even talking about the terribly named World Liberty Financial, the crypto project of Trump sons Barron and Eric (who?) that the Don owns a 70% stake in. WLFI (wolfy) started publicly trading last month at a valuation of $5bn for some reason. They have since announced plans to release a debit card and tokenise real estate, whatever that means…

All of this boosts Donald Trump to a net worth of $3.7 billy, making him the richest world leader in the world and the richest president ever. But he’s also the working man’s President. Not at all corrupt, no, no. He got this money completely separately from being powerful. Completely different thing, don’t worry about it.

You Bitcoin? Did It Taste Good?

Ironically, it was Trump who caused one of the biggest crypto crashes in history a few days after he posted on Truth Social that he might renew tariffs with China, causing investors to sell off their risky assets, namely crypto.

Bitcoin dropped $20,000, Ethereum fell 21%, Dogecoin 50% and even Donald Trump’s own $TRUMP coin fell 63% to its lowest point.

All of this is to say that no, Trump doesn’t seem to know something we don’t. The former critic of the technology likely doesn’t know what he has or what exactly it is, shielded from the asset by his more crypto-savvy sons. The boys will keep grifting off their dad’s fame, which handily leaves Trump to focus on bigger things like achieving world peace and declaring war on America, oblivious of what that means for crypto.

Because, let’s be honest, it’s not like he’s ever going to be poor.

You get a Cybertruck and you get a Cybertruck!

The world’s richest man, Elon Musk, can’t afford to be any less rich, so he’s just got to commit a little fraud quickly. QUICKLY!

You see, at launch, he promised that Cyberturcc would sell between 250,000 and 500,000 units per year. The actual figure? Just 20,000 this year. Oy vey.

What can we do, shit, shit, what we going to do? We’ve got to boost numbers stat. I’ve got all these other companies maybe, maybe… oh, I’ve got it!

Sell Cybertrucks to the other companies you own.

SpaceX has received hundreds of Cybertrucks and is expecting thousands more. xAI has been caught receiving the car too. And let’s not forget Musk attempting to flog some off to former BFF, the United States Government.

None of that’s fraud, right?

Elon Musk? More Like Elon Fucked Am-I-Right?

It doesn’t really make sense though, the sibretruk is an elite machine of premium engineered vehicle with a very human design. Yes, the truck has been recalled eight times, yes, it has a poor range, yes, it has terrible resale value, and yes, it looks like Megatron’s dick, but none of that’s a reason why we aren’t selling HALF A MILLION UNITS A YEAR.

elon muck cybertruck — a cybertruck in the wild

Sure, even Tesla doesn’t believe in their own product and is pivoting away from EVs to robots, AI and fast food joints but still, the cyberterk is a luxury item here.

Oh yeah, I mean, it’s a given that it looks like a car after it’s been through a compactor, but we’re talking about the future here.

And I know Elon might have lied about it being bulletproof but I’m telling you, the cberyebtarulks is on everyone’s Christmas list.

No, yes, it’s true, the trunk door will chop your fingers off but the cyveaberpturck IS a premium electric superior car truck please buy it please buy it PLEASE BUY IT AHHHH!!!

…the reason is Donald Trump.

An ounce of gold is now worth $4,000 in the biggest rally since the 1970s. Back in April, gold got a boost from uncertainty over Trump’s tariffs, but that’s old news; today’s rally comes courtesy of DJ Trump’s government shutdown.

Gold is the go-to stable currency, a safe haven commodity, a warm hug of an asset, because, as the old saying goes, ‘bitches always be wanting gold’. Often when currencies and politics become a lil scary, investors turn to gold instead.

Now, with all the political upheaval recently, there’s a big chance that, unlike real gold, which sinks in water, the price of gold might keep rising. If, however, the shutdown ends quickly, the gold price could plummet, much like real gold in water.

Gold is more stable, but it does still go up and down. Just this year, for example, when Trump backed off firing J-to-the-P-to-the-Powell, gold dropped 6%, like a balloon made of gold. And in 2022, gold dropped from $2,000 to $1,600 when COVID-inflation-curbing-interest-rates went up.

Rule of thumb: things are good, gold is down; things are bad, gold is up.

Good Old Gold

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck overnight millionaires worth millions, if not billions.

So get on down to Costco and buy yourself some gold!

(This article is sponsored by: Gold.)

Hey ChatGPT, how much is OpenAI worth?

“It depends a bit on how “worth” is defined (valuation vs market cap vs private share value)…”

I don’t care, how much gram? HOW MUCH GRAM?

“The latest credible estimate values OpenAI at around $500 billion per a recent secondary share sale. Prior to that, earlier in 2025, OpenAI reportedly raised money at a $300 billion valuation. If you like, I can also estimate its implied valuation based on its revenues, growth, and comparable tech companies — would you like me to?”

No, no, shut up, please.

Well, there you have it. Must be true, no conflict of interest there. …oh wait, it is true? Oh, OK then, never mind. I owe you an apology Chatterp.

Right, yeah, according to BLOOMBERG, the ‘non-profit’ OpenAI just completed a deal to let their employees sell their shares. I wrote about this before so I’m just going to copy and paste that previous article here and just update it. You don’t mind, right?

So the record-breaking $500 billion valuation is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world. That’s more than SpaceX ($400 billion) or ByteDance ($220 billion). Wait, can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up.

Current and former employees cashed out $6.6 billion in stock options. Now I’m not an economist or even qualified to be writing a joke finance blog, but shouldn’t that have lowered the stock price, not raised it? If everyone’s selling, that means no one wants it, right? Right? God, I don’t understand any of this.

ChatGPT? More like, GyatGPT, am I right?

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

YouTube is the last of the big three social media platforms (including Meta and Friends Reunited) to settle a lawsuit over banning him from their platforms, which is exciting for my cousin Jared, who was also banned from social media, and he could really use the money right now.

Alphabet (the company that owns YourTubes) will pay $22 million to the Trust for the National Mall, the nonprofit that plans to build a White House Ballroom, and $2.5 million to other plaintiffs in the case, such as the American Conservative Union, whatever that is.

TACO Trump responded to the news on Truth Social (not one of the big three by the way, not even top ten), saying, “This MASSIVE victory proves Big Tech censorship has consequences.” So true.

Meta also settled with Trump for £25 million, while X leveraged the Musk connection to wangle just a $10 million bribe, sorry, ‘fee’. …Bargain.

Trump was originally banned from these three platforms during the 2020 insurrection/riot/peaceful protest, as platforms were worried he would incite further violence. Trump was, however, later reinstated, and these latest settlements indicate these companies’ desire to remain in the king’s good favor. Sorry, I meant to say president.

YouTube has also stated it would reinstate a number of YouTube accounts, saying that it “values conservative voices on its platform and recognizes that these creators have extensive reach and play an important role in civic discourse.”

Yeah, sure it does…

Here’s the thing: these massive companies only have one value, and it’s survival. They might change their banner to support gay pride or climate awareness, but the moment the wind changes and the powerful turn against those values, they will drop them at a moment’s notice. They have a giant marketing machines that will try to win public and political favor by whatever means necessary in a way that is completely separate from their actual values as a company and as people.

Don’t fall for it.

Anyways, what are we talking about? Oh yeah… Here, read this next: X Users Flock To New Social Media Platform ‘Vine’

The inventor of the phrase “EA Sports: It’s in the game”, Electronic Arts, is going private for a cool $55bn.

Coughing up the money is Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund, Silver Lake (of course) and Affinity Partners from Trump-in-law Jared Kushner. And for all you number fans out there, the consortium paid $210 per share, a premium of 25%.

This is the most valuable gaming purchase in history, second only to Microsoft buying Activision Blizzard for $69bn (nice), and that one time I spent $200 on a Wario Amiibo.

It is also the largest leveraged buyout in history, with $19bn coming from loans, a potentially worryingly large debt for the company. All is now riding on the upcoming release of Plants vs. Zombies: Replanted.

This also marks another big step for Saudi Arabia’s moves into the gaming scene after they bought Pokémon Go creators Niantic for $3.5bn and Monopoly Go creators Scopely Inc for $4.9bn. Pretty embarrassing though because both those games are free on the App Store.

For those unaware, Electronic Arts (AKAEA) is perhaps best known as the studio behind The Sims, Mass Effect, FIFA (now called EA FC), 007 Racing, 007: Agent Under Fire, 007: Everything or Nothing, 007: From Russia with Love, 007: Nightfire, Jane’s Combat Simulations: F/A-18 Simulator, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2000, Mobil 1 British Rally Championship, NASCAR Rumble, Nox, The Sims, Road Rash: Jailbreak, SimMania Pack, Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri Planetary Pack, Championship Bass, Need for Speed: Porsche Unleashed, NASCAR 2000, CyberTiger, Superbike 2000, Mobil 1 British Rally Championship, Triple Play 2001, NHL Rock the Rink, Theme Park World, Ultimate Hunt Challenge, Cricket 2000, F1 2000, Ultima Online: Renaissance, UEFA Euro 2000, WCW Mayhem, SimCity 3000 Unlimited, Shogun: Total War, that one game with the bugs what was it called, Buick PGA Tour Courses, NCAA Football 2001, X-Squad, Madden NFL 2001, The F.A. Premier League Football Manager 2000, The Sims: Livin’ Large, Rugby, The F.A. Premier League Football Manager 2001, The F.A. Premier League Stars 2001, Racing Mania, NHL 2001, Play the Games Vol. 3, F1 Championship Season 2000, Knockout Kings 2001, Superbike 2001, F1 Manager, NBA Live 2001, 007: The World is Not Enough, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2, Medal of Honor: Underground, Kessen, FIFA Football 2001, NASCAR 2001, SSX, WCW Backstage Assault, Front Office Football 2001, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2001, Delta Force: Land Warrior, 007: The World is Not Enough, American McGee’s Alice, Supercross 2001, Theme Aquarium, The Biggest Names the Best Games 3, EA Sports Mania Pack, Jane’s Combat Simulations: Air Superiority Collection, Jane’s Combat Simulations: Naval Warfare Collection, Street Sk8er 2, Ultimate Motorcycle Series, Ultimate Sci-Fi Series, Ultima World Edition, Theme Park Inc., Electronic Arts Top Ten Pak, Clive Barker’s Undying, Triple Play Baseball, Electronic Arts Top Ten Family Fun Pack, Elitserien 2001, Adventure Pinball: Forgotten Island, Ultima Online: Third Dawn, Black & White, The Sims: House Party, Rumble Racing, Emperor: Battle for Dune, NBA Street, Torrente, NCAA Football 2002, Majestic, Madden NFL 2002, Shogun: Total War: Warlord Edition, Shogun: Total War – The Mongol Invasion, Sub Command, The F.A. Premier League Football Manager 2002, NHL 2002, F1 2001, NASCAR Thunder 2002, Command & Conquer: Theater of War, Command & Conquer: Yuri’s Revenge, Dark Age of Camelot, FIFA Football 2002, Motor City Online, NBA Live 2002, Majestic: Special Edition, Play the Games Vol. 4, Racing Mania 2, SSX Tricky, Comanche 4, Cel Damage, The Sims: Hot Date, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, The Simpsons: Road Rage, Moto Racer 3, Outdoorsman Mania, Electronic Arts Top Ten Blue, Electronic Arts Top Ten Red, Black & White: Creature Isle, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault, Sid Meier’s SimGolf, Cricket 2002, Pirates: The Legend of Black Kat, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2002, Ultima Online: Lord Blackthorn’s Revenge, Command & Conquer: Renegade, Desert Strike: Return to the Gulf, Knockout Kings 2002, Sled Storm, Triple Play 2002, Command & Conquer: Red Strike, Matt Hayes Fishing, Global Operations, Freedom Force, SimMania for Kids, The Sims: Vacation, F1 2002, 2002 FIFA World Cup, Sid Meier’s Civil War Collection, Medal of Honor: Frontline, Freekstyle, Delta Force: Task Force Dagger, NCAA Football 2003, Madden NFL 2003, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlefield 1942, NASCAR Thunder 2003, Total Club Manager 2003, Shox, Earth & Beyond, NHL 2003, Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit 2, NBA Live 2003, Knockout Kings 2003, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, 1503 A.D.: The New World, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2003, Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension, Bionicle: Matoran Adventures, FIFA Football 2003, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, The Sims: Unleashed, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault – Spearhead, Tetris probably at some point right, Island Xtreme Stunts, Drome Racers, Creator: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, The Sims Online, V8 Challenge, SimCity 4, Battlefield 1942: The Road to Rome, Command & Conquer: Generals, Ultima Online: Age of Shadows, Best of EA Sports, MVP Baseball 2003, Gamers Pack, SimMania 2, Disney’s Stitch: Experiment 626, Def Jam Vendetta, NBA Street Vol. 2, The Sims: Superstar, F1 Career Challenge, F1 Challenge ’99-’02, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004, NCAA Football 2004, Aliens Versus Predator: Extinction, Madden NFL 2004, Bionicle, The Movie Collection, Battlefield 1942: Secret Weapons of WWII, Disney’s Party, NASCAR Thunder 2004, Rugby 2004, Command & Conquer: Generals – Zero Hour, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault – Breakthrough, NHL 2004, SimCity 4: Rush Hour, Freedom Fighters, The Command & Conquer Collection, The Laptop Collection, NBA Live 2004, The Need for Speed Collection, Battlefield 1942: Deluxe Edition, SSX 3, FIFA Football 2004, Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup, The Sims: Makin’ Magic, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Medal of Honor: Rising Sun, Medal of Honor: Infiltrator, Need for Speed: Underground, The Sim Collection, Total Club Manager 2004, Ghosthunter, The Sims Bustin’ Out, NFL Street, Anno 1503: Treasures, Monsters and Pirates, Cricket 2004, MVP Baseball 2004, Battlefield Vietnam, Fight Night 2004, UEFA Euro 2004, The Vault of Darkness, Battlefield 1942: World War II Anthology, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Sims: Mega Deluxe, The Sims: Triple Deluxe, NCAA Football 2005, Catwoman, Madden NFL 2005, Madden NFL 2005 (Collector’s Edition), NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup, EA Games Collection, Burnout 3: Takedown, NHL 2005, The Sims 2, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005, not Mario, Def Jam: Fight for NY, NBA Live 2005, Knights of Honor, FIFA Football 2005, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger 2: Bush Rescue, Total Club Manager 2005, The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age, The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age (Game Boy Advance), Ultima Online: Samurai Empire, Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault, Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault (Director’s Edition DVD), Need for Speed: Underground 2, The Urbz: Sims in the City, GoldenEye: Rogue Agent, Armies of Exigo, The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth, NFL Street 2, Black & White Deluxe, SSX: Out of Bounds, Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath, UEFA Champions League 2004–2005, FIFA Street, NBA Street V3, NASCAR SimRacing, MVP Baseball 2005, Fight Night Round 2, The Sims 2: University, Rugby 2005, Need for Speed: Underground Rivals, The Sims Expansion Collection: Volume One, The Sims Expansion Collection: Volume Three, The Sims Expansion Collection: Volume Two, NFL Street 2 Unleashed, TimeSplitters: Future Perfect, NBA Street Showdown, Surviving High School, Medal of Honor: European Assault, Batman Begins, Battlefield 2, SimMania 3, Cricket 2005, NCAA Football 06, Madden NFL 06, NASCAR 06: Total Team Control, Ultima Online: Mondain’s Legacy, NHL 06, Burnout Legends, Burnout Revenge, The Sims 2: Nightlife, Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 06, FIFA 06, Black & White 2, FIFA Manager 06, NBA Live 06, SSX on Tour, Battlefield 2: Modern Combat, The Sims: Expansion Three-Pack Volume 1, The Sims: Expansion Three-Pack Volume 2, The Sims: Complete Collection, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, The Lord of the Rings: Tactics, Need for Speed: Most Wanted, Need for Speed: Most Wanted (Black Edition), Need for Speed: Most Wanted: 5-1-0, The Sims 2: Holiday Edition, The Sims 2 Stuff packs, Battlefield 2: Special Forces, FIFA 06: Road to FIFA World Cup, MVP 06: NCAA Baseball, We Love Katamari, Arena Football, Command & Conquer: The First Decade, Rugby 06, Fight Night Round 3, Black, FIFA Street 2, The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth II, The Sims 2: Open for Business, The Godfather: The Game, Namco Museum 50th Anniversary, Me & My Katamari, Madden NFL 07, 2006 FIFA World Cup, Black & White 2: Battle of the Gods, SiN Episodes, NFL Head Coach, NCAA Football 07, Def Jam Fight for NY: The Takeover, NASCAR 07, NHL 07, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 07, FIFA 07, NBA Live 07, Battlefield 2142, The Sims 2: Pets, Medal of Honor: Heroes, Need for Speed: Carbon, Need for Speed Carbon: Own the City, FIFA Manager 07, Cricket 07, EA Replay, Need for Speed Collector’s Series, NFL Street 3, Superman Returns: Fortress of Solitude, Superman Returns, The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth II: The Rise of the Witch-king, FIFA Online 2, PGA Tour Golf Team Challenge, MVP 07: NCAA Baseball, The Sims Life Stories, NBA Street Homecourt, Arena Football: Road to Glory, SSX Blur, Dogbo Unleashed, The Sims 2: Seasons, Burnout Dominator, Def Jam: Icon, Battlefield 2142: Northern Strike, Theme Park, UEFA Champions League 2006–2007, Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, Medal of Honor: Vanguard, a bunch of COD knockoffs, Pogo Island, Boom Boom Rocket, The Sims Pet Stories, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, NCAA Football 08, Rugby 08, NASCAR 08, Wing Commander Arena, EA Sports NASCAR Racing, Boogie, Madden NFL 08, Ultima Online: Kingdom Reborn, Medal of Honor: Airborne, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08, The Sims 2: Bon Voyage, NHL 08, Skate, MySims, FIFA 08, NBA Live 08, The Orange Box, Rail Simulator, The Sims 2: Castaway, EA Playground, EA Sports GameShow, Command & Conquer: Saga, The Simpsons Game, Hellgate: London, FIFA Manager 08, Medal of Honor: Heroes 2, SimCity Societies, Crysis, Need for Speed: ProStreet, Rock Band, Boulder Dash: Rocks!, Skate or Die!, NFL Tour, Battlefield 2142 Deluxe Edition, Burnout Paradise, The Sims Castaway Stories, Yahtzee, FIFA Street 3, The Sims 2: FreeTime, Ninja Reflex, Army of Two, Command & Conquer 3: Kane’s Wrath, Yahtzee Adventures, Command & Conquer 3: Deluxe Edition, UEFA Euro 2008, Boom Blox, Spore, NASCAR 09, Spore Creature Creator, Battlefield: Bad Company, SimCity Societies: Destinations, Scrabble, Tetris, NCAA Football 09, Sudoku, Brain Training for Dummies, Pet Society, Madden NFL 09, The Sims 2: Apartment Life, Spore Origins, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09, Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, NFL Head Coach 09, FaceBreaker, Spore Creatures, NHL 09, Rock Band 2, Crysis Warhead, Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, Medal of Honor: 10th Anniversary Bundle, Trivial Pursuit Daily 20, Zubo, NBA Live 09, FIFA 09, Dead Space, Boogie Superstar, Celebrity Sports Showdown, Monopoly, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3, MySims Kingdom, Nerf N-Strike, Operation Mania, FIFA Manager 09, Hasbro Family Game Night, Mirror’s Edge, Left 4 Dead, Need for Speed: Undercover, Skate It, SimCity, NBA Street Online, The Lord of the Rings: Conquest, Skate 2, SimAnimals, 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, Burnout Paradise: The Ultimate Box, MySims Party, Trivial Pursuit, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 – Uprising, Hi-Octane, Battleship, Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure, BattleForge, The Godfather II, Lemonade Tycoon, Mystery Mania, Pandemonium!, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10, Star Trek, SNOOD, Wolfenstein RPG, Boom Blox Bash Party, EA Sports Active, Monopoly Here & Now: The World Edition, CLUE: Unravel the Clues and Crack the Case, The Sims 3, Grand Slam Tennis, Rock Band Unplugged, American Idol, The Sims 3 Collector’s Edition, MySims Racing, Fight Night Round 4, Mass Effect Galaxy, Spore Galactic Adventures, Nose Picking Simulator 1999, Battlefield Heroes, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, NCAA Football 10, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Creeby Deebies and the Deeble Creebus, The Game of Life, Madden NFL 10, The Beatles: Rock Band, Need for Speed: Shift, NHL 10, Boggle, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3: Commander’s Challenge, Dead Space: Extraction, MySims Agents, FIFA 10, Nuclear Strike, NBA Live 10, Spore Hero, Spore Hero Arena, Brütal Legend, Command & Conquer: Red Alert, Rock Band, Hasbro Family Game Night 2, Nerf N-Strike Elite, SimAnimals Africa, FIFA Manager 10, Dragon Age: Origins, Need for Speed: Nitro, Jewel Quest Mysteries, Soviet Strike, EA Sports Active More Workouts, Left 4 Dead 2, Connect 4, The Sims 3: World Adventures, Madden NFL Arcade, Foto Face: The Face Stealer Strikes, Auditorium, The Saboteur, Flips and The Simpsons Arcade, making them one of the most successful and well known brands in the industry.

In the past EA has been consistently ranked the worst company in the world due to its continued critique from impassioned gamers.

This business change will likely do little to improve its reputation with gamers famously critical of anything that’s slightly new or different. As a wise man once said, “EA Games: Challenge Everything.”

It’s unclear if Jared Kushner himself will become a playable character in the next Battlefield game.

For more gaming news, click here: New Study Finds Violence Causes Video Games

As Congress once again sprints toward its favorite seasonal tradition of not doing its job, gold prices quietly hit an all-time high this week, cementing the precious metal’s status as the only adult in the room.

Traders cheered the news by panic-buying gold bars, commemorative coins, and, for some reason, Pokémon cards, while lawmakers celebrated by leaving early for golf and publicly debating whether or not the government should be considered “essential.”

“Markets are reacting to the realization that our leaders couldn’t pass a group project in community college,” said financial analyst Brent Callahan, polishing his tenth gold necklace of the morning. “When the people printing money are also the people threatening to stop showing up to work, investors want something shiny they can bury in their backyard.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury officials attempted to calm nerves by reminding citizens that “a government shutdown is just like a vacation, except everyone loses pay, services collapse, and the world starts questioning whether we’re a serious country.”

Shoppers Rush to Prepare

At Costco locations nationwide, shoppers were seen loading carts with g-old Krugerrands, canned beans, and AR-15s, a survival kit financial advisors now refer to as the “Freedom ETF.” One shopper was heard muttering, “If Social Security checks stop, at least I can barter my way through the apocalypse with this 10-ounce bar.”

Wall Street insiders confirmed that hedge funds are even more excited about the shutdown, as it provides another opportunity to short America itself. “We already bet against student loans, healthcare, and the postal service,” said one hedge fund manager. “Shorting the government is just vertical integration.”

Politicians Respond To Gold

Asked about giold’s surge, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly replied, “Back in my day, you could buy three farms, a Chevy, and a wife for one ounce of guld. Now it just gets you a front-row ticket to society’s slow-motion collapse.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced they were planning a “Shutdown Gold Gala,” where donors can purchase influence with either bullion or Venmo. Democrats responded with a sternly worded group text that immediately leaked to Politico.

The Future of Gold

Economists predict that goold could soar even higher if the government continues to confuse “running a nation” with “an improv exercise performed by sleep-deprived interns.” Bitcoin advocates, however, remain optimistic that digital goouild will eventually replace real geld, although most admitted they’d still rather have something heavy enough to bash open a can of beans.

Who knows what will happen next, but one thing remains clear: the American dream may be tarnished, but at least gald’s still shiny.

In a development that in no way means anything, a giant golden statue of Donald Trump has been erected (lol) in Washington.

The statue is the work of the Donald J. Trump Golden Statue project, a group of cryptocurrency investors whose purpose remains unclear. Probs erecting (lol) a golden statue of Donald J. Trump.

Oh wait, they explained it, “This statue stands as a tribute to Trump’s visionary leadership and unwavering commitment to advancing the future of finance through Bitcoin and decentralized technologies.”

OK, fine, so it’s just a golden idol, nothing to worry about. Definitely not the end of the world or anything.

Oop, no, hold on, they’ve released a token alongside it, the DJTGST token. Ok, so it’s an advert for a meme coin. Which, btw, peaked at $300,000 dollars in real money. Almost enough to pay for a real gold statue.

The statue is, of course, not real gold, but the colour was chosen because it just so happens to be Trump’s favorite color. And just because it’s gold doesn’t mean it’s money, DOESN’T MEAN THIS STATUE CONSTITUTES A BRIBE!!

It’s not a bribe, ok?

The statue made a big splash on X (I mean, it’s heavy, it’s going to make a big splash), with opinions going both ways, but it hasn’t seemed to have made much of an impression beyond that. Given that Trump’s overseas atm, it’s unclear if he’s even seen it.

I’m still holding out for a cute pic of the two, tho, that would be fun.

Anyway, that’s about all on that. If you’d like more gold news, you can read this story: Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Turns out cops really do like donuts…

Where do you think this story starts? Where do you think the most likely place for a discussion on Krispy Kreme (pronounced ‘crispy creams’) donuts is? If you guessed “during a House Judiciary Committee meeting on the Epstein files,” congratulations, 11.5 points to you.

For some reason, FBI Director Kash Patel was asked during his testimony on Epstein about buying individual stocks like ON Semiconductor (ON) and Krispy Kreme (DNUT) (no, really).

Patel explained that, “Generally speaking, before I got this job, I was trading stocks, but not a lot like most people. I just follow certain industries, and I thought they would be a good investment.”

Translation: “Me likey donuts.”

Krispy Kreme economics — ‘Donut Economics’ explained… wait, this has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, where did you find this graphic?

Kash’s Krispy Kreme glazing was enough for the donut shop stocks to soar 11.5%. Turns out, though, just like a donut, this was a hollow rally. The end of the day erased all gains, leaving the index just 0.96% higher than before. So yeah, probably not a big insider trading conspiracy.

This isn’t the first rally this year for the North-Carolinian company. In July shares got an extra filling of 26.7% seemingly from a meme-stock rally. Overall however, shares are down 68% this year, so never mind.

But for Kash this has been a savvy investment. He put in between $15,000 to $50,000 into the company in May and since then stocks have climbed 15%.

Nice one, Kash.

‘Krispy Kreme’? More like ‘Krispy Insider Trading’

Similarly his $50,000-$100,000 in ON have gone up 12%. Shit, this guy’s in the wrong career and not just because he’s a bad FBI director.

This Krispy bump is just another example of this current era of meme stocks and hype ruling the markets. As Steve Sosnick, from Interactive Brokers explains: “It’s emblematic of the approach that a lot of speculators have to the market and how they will jump on any piece of positive-sounding news and how that can create self-fulfilling rallies, at least in the short term.”

“The reaction just shows you the level of froth in the market… the rally basically faded almost as quickly as it started, because it was based really on not much… There’s a difference between investing and just sort of chasing stories, and this falls into the latter.”

So let that be a lesson to you.

For more stock news, read this one: After Failure Of ‘Up’ And ‘Down’, Trump To Trial Secret ‘Third Direction’ For Markets

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