Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Turns out cops really do like donuts…

Where do you think this story starts? Where do you think the most likely place for a discussion on Krispy Kreme (pronounced ‘crispy creams’) donuts is? If you guessed “during a House Judiciary Committee meeting on the Epstein files,” congratulations, 11.5 points to you.

For some reason, FBI Director Kash Patel was asked during his testimony on Epstein about buying individual stocks like ON Semiconductor (ON) and Krispy Kreme (DNUT) (no, really).

Patel explained that, “Generally speaking, before I got this job, I was trading stocks, but not a lot like most people. I just follow certain industries, and I thought they would be a good investment.”

Translation: “Me likey donuts.”

Krispy Kreme economics — ‘Donut Economics’ explained… wait, this has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, where did you find this graphic?

Kash’s Krispy Kreme glazing was enough for the donut shop stocks to soar 11.5%. Turns out, though, just like a donut, this was a hollow rally. The end of the day erased all gains, leaving the index just 0.96% higher than before. So yeah, probably not a big insider trading conspiracy.

This isn’t the first rally this year for the North-Carolinian company. In July shares got an extra filling of 26.7% seemingly from a meme-stock rally. Overall however, shares are down 68% this year, so never mind.

But for Kash this has been a savvy investment. He put in between $15,000 to $50,000 into the company in May and since then stocks have climbed 15%.

Nice one, Kash.

‘Krispy Kreme’? More like ‘Krispy Insider Trading’

Similarly his $50,000-$100,000 in ON have gone up 12%. Shit, this guy’s in the wrong career and not just because he’s a bad FBI director.

This Krispy bump is just another example of this current era of meme stocks and hype ruling the markets. As Steve Sosnick, from Interactive Brokers explains: “It’s emblematic of the approach that a lot of speculators have to the market and how they will jump on any piece of positive-sounding news and how that can create self-fulfilling rallies, at least in the short term.”

“The reaction just shows you the level of froth in the market… the rally basically faded almost as quickly as it started, because it was based really on not much… There’s a difference between investing and just sort of chasing stories, and this falls into the latter.”

So let that be a lesson to you.

For more stock news, read this one: After Failure Of ‘Up’ And ‘Down’, Trump To Trial Secret ‘Third Direction’ For Markets

“We have a deal on TikTok, I’ve reached a deal with China, I’m going to President Xi on Friday to confirm everything up,” Trump explained to reporters just before boarding a plane going to England… Wrong way, Don.

Years in the making, TikTok and the government finally have a deal that allows it to continue spying on Americans, so long as it’s American companies doing it.

Trump et al were worried that TikTok could potentially be a surveillance/manipulation tool from the Chinese government. Cue a million committee meetings and a million empty threats to shut the app down unless it gets sold to an American company.

Wait, this just sounds like a way of getting a cut of one of the most profitable social media apps on the planet… Is this a hostile takeover? This is just a hostile takeover, isn’t it? This is like what gangsters would do, “HEY! You’re on my turf! This here’s Jimmy the Turd’s territory. You want to keep doing business here? Well, ok, you can but you’ve got to let one of my boys do it for you, one of my friends, then we’re going to get a cut, understood? Aight, because it’s that or I break your legs.”

But that’s all intellectual because now a deal’s been reached and TikTok’s US business will be handled by a US consortium featuring the likes of: (play that cool intro music we talked about)

TECH FIRM… ORACLE!

PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM… SIIIIIILVER LAKE!!!

And VENTURE CAPITAL FIRM, ANDREESSEN HOROWITZ!!!!

Woop woop! Never mind that Oracle is run by Larry Ellison, the second (formly first) richest man in the world and massive Trump head (that’s they’re called, right?) idk about the other guys, I’m not looking it up.

Man, it’s almost like the US is an oligarchy or something.

This new entity will control 80% of TikTok in America. I’m assuming other places will just carry on with the Chinese version.

The new board has announced a rebrand for TikTok which will recolour its logo into a more patriotic red white and blue and have seamless integration with the Truth Social app.

Maybe we’ve learned something from the Chinese after all…

But all this is the long game. It’s not hard to see that this might be a bargaining chip to sweeten the deal during the trade talks and maybe win over those precious Nvidia AI chips that China so desperately craves.

Who knows. Let’s see how this plays out.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Delays TikTok Ban: “I Have Too Many Bangers Waiting In My Drafts”

President Donald Trump is suing the “flailing” New York Times $15 billion dollars in dollars after publishing the drawing that he did of a woman who will be remained nameless for the purposes of this demonstration.

Trump took to Truth Social (where you go to socialise about the truth) to explain the suit. “It’s blue. I always wear it.”

Trump then took to Truth Social to explain the lawsuit. “The flailing new york times, more like new SHIT times, used my drawing without permision. Yeah, they credited me, but that drawing is not under a fair use commercial commons contract. I AM ENTITLED TO ROYALTIES!!!”

Those royalties according to the lawsuit are up to $15 billion dollars which is a lot of money in America. Whether The New York Times Magazine can afford to pay that probably not, but you’ve got to high ball them if you want to settle high that’s what I’ve always said.

Oh and make no mistake about it, TACO Trump will settle meaning this basically just comes down to a forced bribe for defaming the president. This is some dumb dictatorship we’re living under, boy.

Ok, next question, what would you do with $15 billion dollars? Great question, thanks, I’d probably publish the drawing Trump did for Epstein without impunity. Oh, wait, I can just do that for free…

Come at me Don.

For more on this story, read this one: Trump Denies Drawing Picture For Epstein, “But Whoever Did Is Pretty Talented”

Currently now world’s richest man again, Elon Musk has disclosed a purchase of 2.57 million shares in Tesla INCorporated ($TLC) worth roughly $1billion dollars in money. The move seems entirely motivated by Musk’s desire to remain the king of the world, sorry, ‘world’s richest person’ after Larry Ellison wrestled the top spot off him for all of four seconds.

How can spending money make you richer, I hear you ask? Well, I don’t know. It certainly doesn’t work for me, let me tell you that. Surfice it to say that when you reach a certain amount of wealthy, all previous financial rules are reversed. Everything is free. Having no cash is a good thing. Taking out massive loans is a good thing. Etc. Etc…

This is Elon’s first Tesla stock purchase since 2020, his largest ever single stock purchase (I guess twitter doesn’t count) and the largest purchase made by a Bond villain since Blofeld bought a moon base.

Musk’s purchase is seen as a vote of confidence in his own company and shares jumped 6% following the news. Oh, I wonder who’ll profit from that? What are we even doing here, Jesus…

The news is good for tesla investors who have been hit in the face repeatedly with various set backs this year. From China dominating EVs to Elon running for president, Tesla enjoyers just can’t catch a break.

Although Elon Musk hasn’t been seen out the house in two years, he was last spotted on a video call at a riot in Britain for some reason. (WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS MAN)

For an explanation of this man, please read below this Wikipedia article I definitely didn’t just copy and paste from Wikipedia:

Elon Musk (muh-sk) is an African human individual with an interest in Mars. He is/was the inventor of the electric car, the electric tower and the dribble glass (citation needed). He was the first ever man to become the world’s richest man. Recently, his political interests include politics, high-fiving angels and British Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

For just a few hours there, Larry Ellison became the world’s richest man, dethroning Elon Musk, who had held the title for about a year. (*Halo announcer voice*: KINGSLAYER!)

Elon’s undoubtedly pissed, but you know who else is pissed? Me. Because I just wrote an article about how he became the second richest man and now it’s INSTANTLY out of date. What the hell?! He was like $20 billion off Elon, how do you make $20 billion in a day?!? Someone please tell me now, I need to quit this job.

Anyway, you’re probably the same thing that Larry Ellison’s wife is wondering: who the hell is Larry Ellison? Well, he’s the CEO of Oracle and was formerly the world’s richest man.

What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 40% yesterday, after giving an optimistic shareholders report on the future of AI. Maybe giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $80 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $393 billion, just surpassing Musk’s $385 billion. Oracle shed those gains by the end of day and Musk reclaimed the top spot. (So what, it was just all hypothetical money anyways? What are we even doing here?)

Elon responded, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

Larry had the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the Bloomberg rich weirdos index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

Oracle’s mostly a cloud computing service and was late to pivot to AI, but was perfectly poised to use all its data centres for AI which is why we’re in this whole mess. Oracle person, Safra Catz (cool name) said that Oracle signed “four multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers” in the three months to the end of August. So yeah, mega bucks.

More about Larry? Ok, sure. He owns a tennis tournament (how?). He owns an island, like 98% of the Hawaiian island Lanai. You know, classic rich guy shit. He originally made Oracle as a CIA database. He was an early investor in Tesla so has a 1.4% stake which means he’s 1.4% bleeding Elon dry.

So yeah, we almost had a new random rich guy that we would have had to have had learned about. Lucky he’s only SECOND BEST and we can all forget about that pathetic loser.

What will Larry do next? idk. Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

For more tech news, Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

As featured in a viral Reddit post, random man Nathan Smith used ChatGPT to conduct a “6-month experiment to see how a language model performs in picking small, undercovered stocks with only a $100 budget.”

And it seems to be paying off. Smith has made $25 so far, which is a 23.8% return for all you math nerds out there. That’s significantly higher than the Rusell 2000, XBI and the S&P 500 AND my own personal portfolio, which is actually doing really badly atm maybe I should get on this chatguputuh thingy.

ChatGPT stocks reddit post — fuckin stonks mate

So, should we all follow Smith’s lead and let Sam Altman become our stock broker as well as out therapist? Well, it’s still debatable whether chaty-G is better with other users not having similar success. Hey, if it was consistently better then everyone would be using it by now. Trust.

A crucial element is that Smith did add some probably much needed human input. He first inputted the stock data and then added a stop loss rule so that chatgupt would sell the stocks at a certain price. This isn’t AI entirely off the chain here.

Smith’s experiment is still ongoing so time will tell whether AI will come out on top here. It looks like when it comes to stock, we might need to rewrite the phrase, “brain meets brawn” afterall. Now it’s “brain meets computer brain meets brawn”. And who will win? Maybe computer brain but probably not brawn. Stayed tuned here for more information about this.

Make Sure To Use Subheadings To Improve Readability ChatGPT

It’s the thing about stocks and money you should know is a ChatGPTE could never replace a humanbeing a never it cannot do what I can do and trade stocks stonks like me. money.

Meanwhile chatpshitithinki’mhaving a stock a strok a stoke call the chaptgpt tellthen i’m havinga stork STORK fuck

For more news, click here: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

Since entering office, Mr. “The President” Donald Trump has reportedly spent $103.7 million buying up government bonds in the greatest example of putting your money where your mouth is since Quinto Banes won the 14th annual dollar bill eating contest.

The truly inspiring news comes from a report that all officials are forced at gunpoint to release. This one says that he made 690 (nice) transactions, beginning the day after his inauguration. Bonds were bought in local governments, school boards, airport authorities, and gas districts. Ok, so I guess that’s not directly government bonds? Whatever, the joke in the title doesn’t work otherwise. I’m not changing it.

It’s unclear if by “bonds” Trumpet thought he was investing in Amazon’s upcoming James Bond movies; either way, it’s a savvy move.

Trumpybaby also bought a ton of corporate debt for some reason. He spent $500,000 EACH on Qualcomm Inc, Home Depot, and T-Mobile debt on February 10 and bought $250,000 of debt from Facebook. Why you’d want to buy debt is anyone’s guess. Why would you want more debt?? This is the poor kind of financial planning that we’ve all come to expect from Mr. Jonathan Trump!

Some of these trades cover companies that recently lost government contracts, potentially representing a conflict of interest or insider trader. Not that Grump’s an insider, no, he’s going to drain the swamp, not drown in it.

Presidents aren’t required to release their potential conflicting interests, but they have done so anyway out of tradition. Trump’s the first not to. Idk, I really think politicians shouldn’t be allowed to trade at all. I get you’ve got separate trusts and things, but Trump’s got his divested crypto investments, which you can’t tell me are insulated from his own rhetoric hyping the product.

If Pelosi gets it in the neck for insider trading, Trump and everyone else should too. Grab your pitchforks, who’s with me!?!

For more EXPERT financial opinions, read this one: Trump’s Tariffs Take Effect TODAY Explaining Why My Jeggings Haven’t Arrived Even Though I Ticked Next Day Delivery

Well, folks, the S&P 500 just printed yet another all-time high. Again. And it’s all thanks to “Biden’s Economy.”

Now, you might be asking: “How?!” or “Should I sell?” or “Why does my portfolio still look like it got margin-called by a raccoon with a Robinhood account?” Fear not, because we’ve got answers that definitely weren’t churned out by an AI in four seconds. [It’s fine, it still counts as human writing if I edit it.] So, without further ado, here are the five totes legit, 100% not-made-up reasons the market is going parabolic.

1. Jerome Powell’s New Side Hustle: Professional Market Hype Man

The Fed Chair has apparently decided interest rates are “so last season” and has pivoted to full-time meme stock promoter. Every time Powell opens his mouth now, the market hears “free tendies forever”, even when he’s just ordering lunch.

[Yeah, nice, you got the word ‘tendies’ in there and that’s a joke because recognition is funny. Powell’s good meme fodder, but I’m not sure the angle’s right here since Powell’s kind of doing the opposite?]

2. AI Is Going to Do Everything, Including Inflate Your 401(k)

Analysts have decided AI will not only take everyone’s jobs, but also single-handedly solve GDP, climate change, and your dating life. Wall Street’s official AI price target is now “infinity,” and every CEO is legally required to say “AI” at least four times per earnings call.

[See, this just seems a bit self-serving and like you’ve got a hidden agenda here. …Do you have a hidden agenda?]

3. Retail Traders Have Finally Achieved Nirvana

After years of YOLOing into garbage penny stocks and crypto rug pulls, retail has decided, “Hey, maybe I’ll just buy the index and chill.” This newfound zen has confused hedge funds into buying everything in sight to figure out what the peasants are up to.

[Sure.]

4. Corporate Buybacks Are on PEDs

Forget steroids in baseball, the real performance-enhancing drugs are whatever corporations are using to fuel buybacks right now. CFOs are out here deleting shares faster than Reddit deletes bad DD, and apparently the only thing they can’t buy back is their dignity.

[Look, there you go again, this is less a joke and more a list of things that people will recognize. Needs a rework, please.]

5. We’re All Pretending the Economy Is Fine

Mass layoffs? Sky-high rents? A used Honda Civic costing more than your college tuition? Don’t worry about it. The collective market strategy is to close our eyes, hum “stonks only go up,” and hope the music never stops.

[Yeah, this just isn’t it, Geept. I think let’s rework this and come back to EOD with something funnier, smarter, and altogether more human, please.]

So, will the S&P 500 keep ripping higher? Absolutely. Will it eventually crash? Also absolutely. But until then, grab your diamond hands, load up on index ETFs, and remember: the only real ATH is the friends we made along the way.

[Hello? Are you even listening to me? I said I need this edited, please. …Wait, how does this thing even work??]

For more conversations inside my head, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

Microchip manufacturers Nvidia and AMD have agreed to give 15% of Chinese chip sales to the US government in a move that isn’t a tax or tariff but some secret third thing that definitely isn’t a bribe.

Previously, America banned the companies from selling powerful chips to China in an effort to curb their AI development (not that it really stopped them). Experts cited Nvidia’s H20 chip in particular as an accelerator of China’s AI capabilities and banned sales of the chip even though it was created specifically for the Chinese market.

But APPARENTLY, all it took was a cool 15% to make the government look the other way about those security concerns and allow H20 chip sales again. What are we doing here?

Nvidia stonks — Live footage from inside Nvidia HQ

AMD made the same deal for its MI308 chip. Good for them.

The move follows Nvidia CEO, Jensen Huang’s intense lobbying, including a meeting with Trump last week. FUCK! I got so far in this article without mentioning him. Damnit, I was doing so well!!

OK, Deborah Elms from the Hinrich Foundation (yeah, I don’t know either) put it really well, “You either have a national security problem or you don’t If you have a 15% payment, it doesn’t somehow eliminate the national security issue.” Oh, yeah, that’s well put. It seems that things are true until the kickback cheque cashes.

This cooling of trade tensions between China and America is part of a growing trade peace between the two superpowers. We got a 90-tariff-truce, a minerals agreement, and an agreement that Walt Disney would no longer produce any more Winnie the Pooh movies.

Whether this peace will last, only time and nuclear war will tell.

For more on this story, read this one: Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman just tweeted out a picture of the Death Star ominously looming over the horizon without any caption or explanation.

Could this mean he’s secretly building a Death Star? Well, what else could it mean?

Altman has long since implied that he would like to see the destruction of the Republic and have the US Military replaced by a standing army of ChatGPT-powered Clone Troopers. Unfortunately for Altman, the order of Jedi Knights has stood as protectors of peace throughout the galaxy and so building anything close to a Death Star would require some elaborate coup in which you feign a military crisis in order to build up a military strong enough to take on the jedi then fake your own assassination attempt by the jedi so you can accuse them of treason and wipe them out in one fell swoop. THEN you can build your Death Star.

Ex-Twitter users curious about the meaning of the post (which has over 2 million views) have all commented below Altman’s pic, “@grok WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” great, super helpful, thanks Elon again for making this app completely unusable.

Could he be heralding a new version of ChatGPT that comes with a giant laser? DeathStarGPT?

Maybe he’s just hyped about his latest mega valuation?

Perhaps this is all a distraction away from what he’s REALLY building, which is a giant Voltron robot (click here for more on that).

Or, heck, maybe he just likes the picture.

Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough, just hopefully not by being obliterated by a giant orbital death laser.

Altman's deathstarGPT will come for us all — “I wish I’d said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to ChatGPT…”

For more news, read this one too: BREAKING NEWS: There Is No News

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Turns out cops really do like donuts…

‘Krispy Kreme’? More like ‘Krispy Insider Trading’

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