Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

No one knows. Obviously. What do you think ‘classified’ means?

Google ($GGLE) has amended its contract with the US Department of War to allow the government to use Gemini on classified networks for “any lawful government purpose.”

This ironically comes the same day that Google ($GLE) pulled out of a $100 million prize challenge to build voice-controlled autonomous drone swarms. Like an egg-drop but only slightly more explosive.

The company pulled out of the challenge after an internal ethics review, but a similar review wasn’t heeded for this new contract. Over 600 Google ($GG) employees signed a letter urging CEO Sundar Pichai to reject the deal for fear of misuse.

And this misuse to which these employees refer is the requirement that Google ($G) modify its AI safety settings and filters whenever the government asks for it.

But don’t worry! In the contract, the government can’t use Google’s ($) AI for mass surveillance or autonomous weapons “without appropriate human oversight and control.” Oh, well, that’s fine then. And Google ($GOOGLE) doesn’t have “any right to… veto lawful government operational decision-making.”

Alongside OpenAI and xAI, Google ($GOOO) now joins a long line of AI companies working directly with the government, with the notable exception of Anthropic, which is currently battling the Pentagon for independence.

Fighting a war against the Department of War? All I can say is ‘good ($GD) luck’!

Everyone’s favorite AI startup, Anthropic, is weighing up raising funds that would value the company at more than $900 billion, more than double its current valuation. Just crazy numbers.

Obviously, this is just talk for now, and the offers are preemptive at the moment, but they could raise around $50 billion, putting Anthropic at $850 billion to $900 billion.

Considering that Anthropic was valued at just (‘just’ lol) $380 billion back in February’s $30 billion funding round, this would be an insane boost for the company. $900b would put Anthropic above OpenAI’s $852b valuation, making it the most valuable AI startup in the world.

Makes you wonder at what point we can keep calling these companies a ‘startup’?

The board will decide whether they’ll go through with the funding round next month. But if it were up to me, I wouldn’t say no to a cool $50 billion, but that’s just me.

But it’s NOT up to me. And there’s a good reason why. Because all this money looks great, but what if you could hold out for even more money?

That’s exactly what Anthropic’s been doing, spurning previous investment proposals at an $800 billion valuation, even as Google and Amazon are circling to invest. Anthropic clearly hopes this hype will boost its value and could easily hold out for a higher number.

On the other hand, some recent negative press might sour Anthropic’s prospects. In the past month alone, hackers broke into Anthropic’s super-secret Mythos AI, Nvidia pulled its funding, and the AI company’s relationship with the Pentagon has seemingly soured.

So who’s to say what number the Claude creator will end up with, but all we know for sure is that it’s going to be big.

SpaceX is due for a potential-trillion-dollar IPO, which brings with it increased scrutiny into the company’s internal workings. One revelation from the rocket manufacturer’s IPO filing is that Elon Musk can only be fired by… err, Elon Musk?

According to the document, Elon “can only be removed from our board or these positions by the vote of Class B holders.” Now, if I’m understanding this correctly, Class B is anyone with super-voting shares and because Musk has the majority of these shares, he controls the vote and thus the decision if he gets fired or not.

Related article: Elon Made Head Of Efficiency, Immediately Fires Self

This has all come about because of the standard structure that startup IPOs often take. It’s called a ‘dual-class framework’ and it keeps the founders and other insiders in a separate tier of power (Class B) to the public shareholders (Class A, which sounds better tbh), theoretically keeping everyone happy.

For comparison, Meta has this structure but Tesla has a single share class.

BUT USUALLY the board reserves the right to fire the CEO if they get a bit too big for their boots. You know, checks and balances. For some reason SpaceX has waived that right.

Now only Elon can fire Elon, which would make for a very strange exit interview.

Oddly enough, Musk himself warned about this exact scenario in November last year on a Tesla shareholder call about his pay package, “I just think that there needs to be enough voting control to give a strong influence, but not so much that I can’t be fired if I go insane.”

Not sure why he’d bring that up as an option, but OK.

And again last August, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.”

Well, now we’re all very much hoping you don’t go crazy, Elon, because if that happens at SpaceX, no, you can’t be fired.

But then again… who would be crazy enough to fire themselves? Only a crazy person. So if Elon did go crazy he would in fact fire himself. IT’S A FOOLPROOF PLAN!

This is actually nuts.

So ahead of SpaceX’s potentially $1.75 trillion dollar (USD (dollars)) IPO valuation, back in January the rocket manufacturer’s board approved a pay package for Elon Musk granting him 200 million super-voting restricted shares BUT ONLY if SpaceX hits a $7.5t market cap AND…

…wait for it, this is the crazy part..

… IF HE ESTABLISHES A PERMANENT HUMAN COLONY ON MARS WITH AT LEAST ONE MILLION INHABITANTS.

Fairly standard bonus conditions. Not sure what you’re freaking out about.

For reference that’s roughly the population of Jerusalem picked up and plonked onto another planet.

And this isn’t the first time Elon’s been lured back to a company with a staggering pay package with almost impossible win conditions. Tesla did the same thing, offering him a trillion dollars if the company reached a market cap of $8.5 trillion. Tesla. Guys. Do you really think you can be worth almost double Nvidia’s value? Don’t we think that’s maybe a little ambitious?

And surely a $7.5t market cap for SpaceX is similarly out of reach? Well no. Nothing’s out of reach when you’ve got rockets.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

This isn’t even the really crazy milestone. Musk gets another 60.4 million restricted shares if SpaceX meets different valuation goals and builds data centers in space with a minimum 100 terawatt capacity.

That’s the equivalent of 100,000 NUCLEAR REACTORS IN SPACE.

So it remains to be seen if these goals will actually be reached. But you know what they say, shoot for the moon, because if you miss you’ll still become a trillionaire.

As revealed in a recent quarterly report, Tesla secretly invested $2 billion dollars in money into their sister company SpaceX and now it’s got everyone talking about the possibility of a merger.

The suggestion comes ahead of SpaceX’s upcoming potential $2 trillion IPO in June and bolting a Tesla to that rocket might just help the EV maker’s slumping finances.

Tesla has already pivoted away from its core product of EVs into robots for some reason so maybe just one pivot into rockets isn’t that big a stretch?

Other than sharing the same business daddy, however, there’s not much similarity between the auto-manufacturer and the rocket manufacturer. But that was the only connection between SpaceX and xAI and that merger still went ahead.

It’s just easier, isn’t it? He’ll only need one email address, only need to take half the meetings and can finally just refer to everything as ‘X’.

Which brings us to the most important question. What is this company going to be called?

Well there’s a few options, let’s rank them below in order of which ones I think are the most likely to happen:

5. Tespacexaila

You get all the names in there but it doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it?

4. Tesla x SpaceX

Boring corporate merger name. Leads with your inferior product. No thanks.

3. Just SpaceX

It’s what they did with xAI. Maybe it’ll help. Tesla’s on the downward slide so just do away with it.

2. X

Smart, sleek, impossible to google and infinitely confusing. It didn’t work with Twitter so it probably won’t work here but it seems to be Elon’s ultimate goal so I bet that’s what’ll happen.

1. The New World Order

Let’s be honest, that’s what the whole scheme is about right? Consolidate company after company, power after power until at last you have a New World Order carved in your own image. Today, electric vehicles, tomorrow, the world!

Shares in Amazon just jumped up a massive 3% after they announced plans to increase their total investment in Anthropic to $25 billion.

Currently it’s only (‘only’, lol) $5 billion but if certain conditions are met that’ll get bumped up by $20 billion… as you do.

The news comes as part of Anthropic’s commitment to spend a $100 billion on chips and up to 5 gigawatts of computing power from Amazon AND IN NO WAY SIGNIFYS A BUBBLE.

On the other side of the ropes (?), Anthropic’s main rival, OpenAI has cozied up to Microsoft and Google for their money/power needs.

In February this year, OpenAI and Anthropic raised more that $150 billion dollars in money, the largest private investment period in the history of tech.

There’s more to this story, probably but that’s the gist of it and it’s kind of boring, right? Like, it’s a bit dry. Numbers, numbers, numbers, business, business, business. BORING.

Wanna see something really cool? Look at this:

*does really cool backflip*

Yeah, pretteee sweet. Took me a long time to learn that. Do you want me to show you how to do it? It’s real simple, all you have to is throw your head back violently, throw your hands up and then just drop to the floor. Go on, give it a try.

*you do a really shit backflip and it’s really embarrassing and everyone laughs at you*

OH! Oh shit, oh my god, I’m sorry, are you ok? That wasn’t a backflip, you literally just jumped backwards onto your neck. Oh my god, are you dead?

Oh shit. I think you might be dead.

Damn, you’ll never get to see if Anthropic reaches its commercial milestones and secures an extra $20 billion in funding from Amazon over time! Bummer.

Everyone Is Now a Hedge Fund

In a bold move that analysts are calling “either historic democratization or the final boss of financial Darwinism,” the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has officially scrapped the infamous Pattern Day Trader rule, instantly upgrading millions of retail investors from “financially protected citizens” to “unsupervised volatility enthusiasts.”

The rule, originally introduced after the dot-com crash to stop people from turning $3,000 into $0.17 before lunch, had required traders to maintain $25,000 in their accounts if they wanted to day trade freely.

Now? That barrier is gone.

Your £412 account is spiritually equivalent to a hedge fund.

Robinhood Users Immediately Achieve Enlightenment (and Margin Calls)

Within minutes of the announcement, shares of retail brokerages like Robinhood and Webull surged, as investors celebrated the long-awaited right to lose money faster than ever before.

“I used to only be allowed three bad decisions per week,” said one trader while aggressively refreshing his app. “Now I can make unlimited bad decisions. This is what freedom feels like.”

SEC Replaces Rule With “Vibes-Based Risk Management”

Under the new framework, the old restrictions are replaced with “real-time risk-based margin requirements,” which experts say is just a more sophisticated way of saying:

“You can absolutely blow up your account, just do it responsibly.”

Officials clarified that instead of blocking traders outright, brokers will now monitor risk continuously, ensuring that users can experience losses in real time, rather than waiting for the system to catch up like it’s still 2001.

Critics Warn of “YOLO Inflation”

Some analysts worry the move could unleash a new era of hyperactive trading behavior, also known in academic literature as “pressing buttons very fast because line went up.”

Regulators acknowledged the concern but noted that retail traders were already doing this just slightly slower.

According to reports, the rule change could lead to a surge in “YOLO trades,” where investors deploy their entire net worth into options based on a tweet, a gut feeling, or a TikTok featuring a guy named “StonksWizard420.”

Wall Street Reacts: “Oh No… Anyway”

Institutional investors responded calmly, confirming they were “not worried at all” about competing with millions of newly empowered retail traders armed with:

4x intraday margin
Zero sleep
And a deeply personal belief that this time it’s different

Retail Traders Celebrate New Career Path: “Full-Time Intraday Philosopher”

Meanwhile, across the internet, traders are already adapting to the new regime.

“I’ve quit my job,” said one user. “I now trade full-time and study ancient stoic philosophy to cope with the consequences.”

Others are embracing the change more pragmatically.

“Before, I needed $25,000 to ruin my life,” another trader explained. “Now I can do it with $800. This is efficiency.”

SEC Final Statement: “Good Luck Everyone”

In a closing statement, the SEC emphasized that the goal of the rule change is to “level the playing field” and increase market access for everyday investors.

They then quietly added:

“We assume you know what you’re doing.”

Markets immediately priced in that you do not.

Disclaimer: This is satire. Your portfolio, however, is not.

But I’d still like you to try. No, please. I’ll wait. Go ahead, guess… No. Wrong. Fine, I’ll just tell you.

It’s AI, but not in the way you think.

Because there’s a trend lately of tech companies laying off people in droves and then saying it’s because they’ve been replaced by AI. Whilst this seems cold to us humans, for tech CEOs you appear to be tech-forward and pro-AI, increasing your perceived value to investors when you are in fact downsizing.

Because the truth is normally that AI is a smoke screen for mismanagement and poor sales requiring redundancies. For example Jack Dorsey’s ‘Block’ fired a bunch of people and claimed it was because of AI when really they just overhired during COVID but wanted to look tech-forward to investors.

In the case of Oracle it’s a little different because the company is in the process of upscaling its business, specifically in the AI sector. “According to analysis from TD Cowen, the job cuts are expected to free up between $8 billion and $10 billion in cash flow, money the company urgently needs to fund a massive buildout of AI data centers.”

And there it is.

It’s OK, you’re not being replaced by AI, you’re being replaced to make way for AI.

Completely different.

Not that that’s any consolation for those who’ve lost their jobs. 30,000 people across America, Europe and India who had to wake up to a cold email saying you’ve been let go. That’s not the way to do it, guys, have some self respect.

So let’s here it from just a small fraction of those affected. These are all from Reddit:

u/TattoosAndBeers: “My dad has worked for Oracle for 20 years, worked for the same boss for 20 years. Not even a phone call. These companies are evil What is he supposed to do for the next 2 years? Keep in mind, he has cancer and now he has no health insurance.”

u/PossibleElectrical13: “I was also laid off after almost 5 years, but it was yesterday. My, now former, manager had scheduled a call last Friday for a “quick catch up” where he told me the news. Oracle had transferred me to Canada from the U.S. 6 months ago. Now my family and I are alone and jobless and with immigration uncertainty. At least we had one last call before I was locked out of everything.”

u/seesitesound: “I was with Oracle for 26 years, and got the email at 6am. That they didn’t bother to do a phone call is disgusting, cowardly, and just plain ugly. I loved my time at Oracle – up until September, 2025, when I was moved to a different team in my org. Still doing the same thing (which I loved), plus new stuff (which I didn’t). New manager.

Once there was talk of RIFs, my manager (a VP – I was M5), FREAKED out – going on and on about losing his job, polishing up his resume, etc. etc.

I realized then that he wouldn’t hesitate to put me on the list to save himself, which is what happened. I have no idea the impact of the rest of his team, but I suspect that because I was new to that team, they went with last in, first out. Everyone else had worked for him for a number of years.

None of them know what I did despite trying to share the load – I still gave updates to my previous manager. New manager literally did not give a shit, and his team was the least welcoming group I’ve ever worked with.

It’s easier to lay blame on one person, right or wrong, and I blame him. I wish him discomfort every day of his life moving forward, and that he never knows a moment’s peace. I will be fine. I’m so, so sad. But I’ll be fine.

Also, sidebar: I always kind of vaguely understood that Larry Ellison was not a good guy. But recent months have driven home what a truly bad person he is.”

It’s like Ocean’s 11,398 out there…

You haven’t heard the news? Heists are cool again, baby! Ever since the Louvre was robbed back in October and became a viral joke, the world has been poised to enjoy some serious crime but alas, the police sirens have remained silent.

UNTIL NOW! And of when it rains, it pours, as two have come along at once. The first is the news that 400,000 KitKat bars have been stolen enroute from Italy to Poland. One can only assume the goods were lifted from the moving truck in a daring heist on par with a Fast and Furious movie.

It remains unclear whether the thieves plan to sell on their ill-gotten snacks or just eat them all themselves.

And the other big story is that four masked men stole three paintings with a total value of €9m from an Italian gallery (there’s Italy again). The heisters made off with a Renoir, Cézanne and Matisse in under three minutes which is not nearly enough time to make a full movie about this.

But how do these latest heists rank with some of the biggest in history? Let’s rank them below because why not?

At 9:30 in the morning, four masked intruders climbed a ladder, broke intruder window, and stole over $102 million worth of jewels from the Louvre museum in Paris, all in under eight minutes… and they didn’t even pay for any of it.

Yes, this is the Louvre jewelry heist, the biggest heist in France since Nicolas Sarkozy heisted dirty Libyan money for his presidential campaign.

But how does it compare to previous heists in the world? Let’s take a look at the top ten museum heists ranked by how cool they were (plus some random means because why not?):

10. The Louvre Jewelry Heist

I know it’s popular but guys, the museum’s password was just ‘Louvre’ as fun as it was, it doesn’t compare with the big guns below.

9. Ocean’s 8

Obviously, the Ocean movies have to make an appearance on this list and I’m NOT talking about Finding Nemo here. The eighth entry into the series is maybe the worst, but not because it has women in. I am not a misogynist… No, this movie sucks because the plot sucks. There literally isn’t a clever heist in here, no clever twist; they just take the necklace. It sucks.

8. The Heist of Jacob de Gheyn III

Yeah, I’d never heard of it either, but apparently this is one of the most stolen paintings in the world, having been stolen in 1966, 1973, 1981 AND 1982 wtf guys, literally just put it somewhere else.

7. Ocean’s 13

The second worst Oceans film is the third in the original trigonal. I literally don’t remember the plot of this one. Forgettable. Not as good. 2/5.

6. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Heist, Boston in 1990

Probably the biggest art heist in American history and still unsolved. 13 priceless works were nabbed by two men disguised as police officers in the early morning. They tied up the security guards and made away with half a billion dollars worth of merch. You know, movie shit.

5. Ocean’s 12

Speaking of movies, it doesn’t beat the original, but it’s better than the other two. Ocean’s 12 is a fun return to the series and I think this is the one where Julia Roberts plays Not Julia Roberts and everyone hated that plot point but I thought it was really funny.

4. Van Gogh Museum Heist, Amsterdam

This one is SUSPICIOUSLY similar to the Louvre heist. It also involved a ladder and breaking in with sledgehammers so idk, maybe the same guys? The paintings were only recovered from the Naples mafia 14 years later. Crazy.

3. This one time I forgot my wallet but I needed milk and so I just put some in my coat pocket and walked out of the store and no one even stopped me.

Ngl, it was pretty slick. Felt like I was in Finding Nemo and everything.

2. The Mona Lisa Heist, the Louvre (again, lol)

Literally the reason that the Mona Lisa is famous. It got stolen the Lovre (Lovure?) by an Italian employee who thought the painting belonged in Italy. Fair point. The painting was only recovered years later but by that point it was too late, they’d already made mugs and t-shirts and everything.

1. Ocean’s 11

The OG, the GOAT, the HTMI cable, Ocean’s 11 is actually a remake, not a lot of people know that, but it’ll always be the original in my heart. Maybe the coolest heist out there so I think it trumps all the real ones imo.

But what do you think? Let me know in the comment section we don’t have below.

So you’ve got yourself an AI bubble. A pretty little ball of soap and air, just floating on the breeze. You love your bubble, you don’t want it to pop. You’ve kept sticks and knives and other sharp objects well away from it so you can enjoy your bubble for as long as you like.

But what’s this? No matter what you do the bubble keeps slowly drifting downwards, down, down, down to the inevitable ground. Oh dear.

What can you do? Well, panic first of all. Once you’ve done that, now you know there’s nothing you can do to stop this bubble popping, you look around and see something, idk what it would be in this contrived analogy… a giant ball of steel?

It’s just as shiny, just as round, but, unlike your bubble, it’s not going to pop and it’s not going anywhere.

Sorry, was this too convoluted? The bubble is AI and if it wasn’t obvious, the big ball of steel is more stable assets like energy and industry that have stayed strong despite the volatility of AI.

I’m just offering you that timeless piece of advice: diversify your assets! Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Especially if that basket is entirely made of hype. Instead, shop around, mitigate risk, find that dream blunt rotation that mixes stability with reward, OK?

Because a lot of people are asking right now whether AI is actually creating the productivity boom it promised or just market volatility. Because yeah, it seems like all anyone cares about atm is tech stocks, as one X poster surmised: “’The Market’ is just a guy staring at two screens. One has Truth Social. The other is Anthropic’s blog.”

But given that investors have been getting a neck cramp from all the whiplash tech stocks have been doing, it feels like AI isn’t a sturdy foundation upon which to build an economy.

So yeah, by all means have fun with the AI hype, but stay safe out there kid, make sure to mix in some stability with your volatility and don’t forget to wash your hands.

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