BREAKING: In a controversial statement, a top bank has claimed that ‘money‘ (such as coins and bank cards, and all that) is still a vital part of everyday society.
In a memo that immediately tanked Dogecoin 6%, this top bank, which has chosen to remain anonymous, boldly stated:
“Despite the rise of crypto, clout tokens, and limited edition NFTs of Elon Musk’s left eyebrow, traditional money still plays a non-zero role in economic transactions.”
The news stunned the fintech community, which had recently pivoted to “vibe-based valuations” and “emotional liquidity” as part of the post-fiat enlightenment.
“Honestly, I thought we left ‘money’ behind with Blockbuster and physical touch,” said Chad Etherton, founder of the startup VenmoButForFeelings. “This is like saying we need gravity to walk.”
Markets reacted swiftly, as always, and without thinking. The Dow Jones rose 400 points in a straight line before remembering inflation exists and immediately spiraled into a trust-fall-style collapse.
Meanwhile, Bitcoin influencers gathered on a live Twitter Space titled “Fiat is Mid – Emergency Meeting.” One speaker, known only as @SatoshiButHot, passionately argued,
“We were promised a decentralized utopia where the only currency is nachos and Discord Nitro. This is betrayal!!”
Cash Matters? Based.
In a further twist, the bank clarified that “money” includes both “real money” (like dollars) and “less real money” (like whatever Robinhood says you have). Analysts from McKinsey & Company quickly translated the announcement into a 92-slide PowerPoint deck titled “Cash: The Original Crypto?”
After the dust settled, economists realized that all the bank was saying was that money is important and therefore they are still important, which is the same as not really saying anything at all really.
Retail investors, confused but eager, began panic-buying loose change. Nickel futures surged 19%, and the average Chuck E. Cheese token is now worth more than a Venezuelan Bolívar.
In other news, the Federal Reserve announced it would be “taking a long, hard look at vibes” as part of next quarter’s monetary policy. Chairman Powell reportedly said, “We’re not saying vibes are real, but… we feel like they might be. And that’s enough for rate hikes.”
So you’re looking for the best crypto casinos 2025? Well, if your therapist is a Discord mod and your retirement plan is a parlay on hamster racing, then you’ve come to the right place.
As the line between “Web3 innovation” and “high-stakes pixelated gambling” becomes increasingly blurry, we figured it was time to rank the best crypto casinos out there, not by something boring like regulatory compliance or RTP (Return to Player), but by the only metric that matters: Degen. Vibes.
We’re talking about the pulse of the rug-pull, the tingle of a 1,000x slot spin, the spiritual thrill of betting your last ETH on red because some guru on X said it was “energetically aligned.”
So, light a candle to the Gods of Volatility, and let’s dive in.
Comparison Table: Top Crypto Casino Features
Crypto gambling is more popular than ever, with new casinos offering everything from lightning-fast withdrawals to no-KYC signups and meme-infused UX. These are our top picks for the year.
Casino
Degen Score
Coins Accepted
KYC Required
Withdrawal Speed
Welcome Bonus
BitStarz
🔥🔥🔥🔥
BTC, ETH, LTC, more
No
Instant
150% up to $500 + FS
Stake
🔥🔥🔥🔥
20+ incl. XRP
No
Instant
Up to $1,000
WSM Casino
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
$WSM, BTC, ETH
No
Fast
200% up to $30,000 + 50 FS
Cloudbet
🔥🔥🔥
BTC, USDT, more
Yes
Fast
100% up to 5 BTC
TG.Casino
🔥🔥🔥🔥
BTC, ETH, TG Token
No
Instant
Up to $5,000 + Cashback
MegaDice
🔥🔥🔥🔥
22+ incl. DICE
No
Instant
15% Cashback on Losses
Lucky Block
🔥🔥🔥
BTC, ETH, USDT
Yes
Fast
200% up to €25,000 + 50 FS
BetPanda
🔥🔥🔥🔥
BTC, ETH, USDT
No
Instant
100% up to 1 BTC + 10% Cashback
Jackbit
🔥🔥🔥
BTC, ETH, XRP, DOGE, etc.
Yes
Fast
Various crypto + fiat bonuses
Top Crypto Casino Reviews (Ranked by Vibes)
BitStarz Review: The OG Instant Withdrawal Crypto Casino
Tagline: “Where Your Portfolio and Your Dignity Can Go at the Flip of a Coin” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Yes. BitStarz is among the top instant withdrawal crypto casinos, and crypto casinos with instant withdrawals ensure rapid payouts for players. Vibe Check: Premium degen energy with a hint of Eastern European nightclub
BitStarz is the OG of crypto casinos, basically the Godfather of pixel-based temptation. Their game selection is so massive it includes 6,000+ online casino games, with a wide variety of slot games, including bitcoin slots, progressive jackpot slots, and other jackpot games. You’ll also find table games, live dealers, and one game that’s just a livestream of a duck pond? Oh, no wait, that’s just the view out my window.
BitStarz accepts more coins than Binance on a good day. The platform supports a broad range of payment methods, including crypto deposits, making deposits and withdrawals fast and easy.
BitStarz offers fast bitcoin casino withdrawal and online casino bitcoin withdrawal options, making it an instant casino for crypto users. These rapid and secure transactions are powered by blockchain technology, which ensures transparency and efficiency. BitStarz also leverages decentralized systems to further enhance security and transparency for its users.
Unlike a traditional casino or traditional online casinos, BitStarz leverages crypto features for faster transactions, enhanced privacy, and lower fees. Traditional casinos typically require detailed KYC procedures and have slower payout processes, while BitStarz operates as an anonymous casino and anonymous crypto casino with no KYC requirements and instant withdrawals.
BitStarz is also fully optimized for mobile devices, so you can also enjoy your favorite online casino games on the go.
Pros:
Accepts more coins than Binance on a good day.
Live dealers who’ve definitely seen some things.
Cons:
No sports betting options, so you can’t gamble on the German pretzel-cutting championships.
Stake.com Review: No-KYC Crypto Casino Backed by Celebs
Tagline: “Where Fortune Favors the Sleep-Deprived” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Blazingly fast, with instant withdrawals and instant deposits. Stake is one of the top instant payout crypto casinos and instant withdrawal casinos, as long as your WiFi isn’t from 2012 Degen Crypto Gambling?: Yes, degen crypto gambling.
Stake is where influencers go to pretend they’re “strategizing” while losing 5 BTC in 40 minutes. It’s slick, it’s fast, and it’s responsible for at least 30% of all crypto-fueled dopamine addictions in the past three years.
If you’re looking for fast crypto casinos, well, son, you found it. Stake offers a deposit bonus and regular deposit bonuses, including a welcome bonus up to 1,000 for new players. As an online casino, Stake features a wide range of online casino gaming and crypto casino game options, from slots and table games to provably fair titles.
Players benefit from the speed and convenience of crypto withdrawals and crypto deposits with zero fees. All transactions can be managed directly from your crypto wallet for maximum convenience and security.
Stake is KYC VPN friendly, allowing users to play privately without KYC verification and with VPN support. You can also play Bitcoin slots at Stake.
Pros:
Over 20 supported cryptocurrencies, just not the ones your cousin Jim keeps pushing you to buy.
Drake-endorsed, so it must be fine.
Cons:
No live chat unless you’re registered, but you’ll probably end up registering, let’s be honest.
Tagline: “Sports Betting, Casino Games, and Existential Risk, All in One Tab” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Fast enough to ruin your day in real-time Bonus Round: Sports betting on sports you didn’t know existed
Cloudbet is the gentleman’s crypto casino, the kind you gamble on while wearing a bathrobe and pretending you understand cricket. As a leading online gambling platform, Cloudbet combines sports betting, casino games, and crypto features to deliver a comprehensive digital betting experience.
It mixes traditional sports betting with full degen crypto casino vibes, like betting USDT on simulated greyhound races at 3 a.m. New players can take advantage of a generous welcome bonus, while ongoing promotions include a reload bonus to keep your bankroll topped up.
Cloudbet’s game library features poker games, classic table games, and traditional table games such as blackjack, roulette, and baccarat. The deposit and withdrawal processes are straightforward, supporting a range of payment methods, including a variety of altcoins, making it easy for users to deposit and withdraw with their preferred cryptocurrency.
Keep in mind, all bonuses, including the welcome offer, come with a wagering requirement that must be met before you can cash out winnings.
Pros:
Built for high-rollers and high-denial gamblers alike.
Great UX for betting on Bulgarian ping pong.
Cons:
No one knows where their HQ is, which is either cool or terrifying.
You will try to parlay darts with roulette. You will regret it.
WSM Casino Review: Meme Coins, No-KYC, Maximum Degeneracy
Tagline: “Powered by Memes, Fuelled by Pure Financial Irresponsibility™” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 (obviously) Payout Speed: Depends, are you bullish or coping? Transparency: As transparent as a Web3 roadmap
WSM Casino is the spiritual home of every Reddit trader who learned nothing from 2021. If Las Vegas and a Discord pump group had a baby, and then that baby was raised by the r/WallStreetBets mods in a chatroom powered by Red Bull and delusion, this would be it.
Built on blockchain, memes, and pure psychological chaos, WSM Casino doesn’t pretend to be rational. By degenerates, for degenerates, it’s a meme-fueled dopamine dungeon where every slot machine is named after a rug-pulled token and every blackjack dealer looks like they used to mod r/WallStreetBets. Either way, you’re vibing through it in a Pepe hoodie.
At the heart of this glorious financial fever dream is the native $WSM token, a digital currency that doubles as both your casino chip and your badge of degeneracy. It’s not just about the games, it’s about the flex. If you’re not showing off your wallet full of WSM while spinning the Doge Dollar slot machine at 3AM on a Tuesday, what are you even doing?
WSM Casino is less of a gambling platform and more of a cultural movement for people who read charts like astrology and treat financial ruin as a meme-worthy badge of honor. If your dream casino has no KYC, accepts your favorite meme coins, and makes you laugh while you lose your rent money, congratulations, you’ve found your spiritual home.
Tagline: “CoinCASINO. coinCASINo. (crypto) CASINO. Coin. coinCASINO!!!” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Faster than you can say ‘crypto casino’. Regulation: You bet (you bet).
CoinCasino is THE crypto casino for coins (crypto coins, that is). You can use coins in this crypto casino, unlike regular casinos. You can also ‘casino’ those crypto coins, who would believe? If you’re looking to make a dent in that crypto wallet, well then you’ve come to the right place.
CoinCasino supports BTC, ETH, lTC, and many others for deposits and withdrawals, making it easy to play with your favorite cryptocurrencies. CoinCasino may also support traditional payment methods such as credit cards for added flexibility.
As one of the best crypto casinos and a top Bitcoin casino, CoinCasino is a strong contender for the title of best Bitcoin casino thanks to its features and reliability. The platform features games from leading providers such as Evolution Gaming, Pragmatic Play, and Hacksaw Gaming, ensuring a diverse and high-quality gaming experience. Have fun!
A 200% bonus up to $30,000 and 50 free spins as part of the welcome offer. Plus, a bonus up to $1,000.
Supports BTC, ETH, and lTC for deposits and withdrawals.
Cons:
They got high wagering requirements!
TG.Casino Review: Telegram-Based Gambling with Instant Payouts
Tagline: “Roll the Dice, Stake Your Soul” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Instant… if the gas fee gods allow it. TG.Casino is an instant withdrawal bitcoin casino, joining the ranks of top instant withdrawal bitcoin casinos and instant withdrawal crypto casinos known for rapid payouts. Secret Feature: Yeah, but it’s secret so obviously I can’t tell you…
TG.Casino’s probably up there with most cyborgs in terms of tech integration. They’ve got Telegram, they’ve got a native token, they’ve probably got other things too. Crypto withdrawals are fast and reliable, often processed within minutes thanks to blockchain technology.
TG.Casino also stands out for its online crypto gambling features, offering a secure and seamless experience for digital currency players. TG.Casino leverages decentralized technology to enhance security and transparency for its users.
As a leading online crypto casino, TG.Casino provides a wide range of games and secure blockchain-based transactions. This might lead to a learning curve, but so long as that curve goes up, baby!!
Pros:
Telegram integration so you can let all your friends know how much money you’ve lost.
User-friendly interface, as opposed to your mom’s face, which is not user-friendly.
Cons:
Yeah, I’m sure some cons use it.
Lucky Block Review: Bonus-Packed Crypto Casino with App Support
Tagline: “The House Always Rugs. So You Don’t Have To” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Allegedly Compliance: They’re “incorporated” in the metaverse
The luxury crypto casino experience for those who want to feel alive. 4,000 games, slots, dealers (some of them alive, oh no, wait, live, sorry). You don’t play to win, you play to feel. Fully optimized for mobile devices, Lucky Block also offers a dedicated mobile app for seamless gaming on smartphones and tablets.
Pros:
Reload bonuses to enhance continued play (because that’s what they want you to do)
200% bonus up to €25,000 (shame you don’t own euros) and 50 free spins for new players.
Cons:
High deposit amounts with low withdrawal rates but high degen rates and that’s a fact.
MegaDice Review: Anonymous High-Stakes Casino with $DICE Token
Tagline: “Built on the Blockchain, Fueled by Hopium” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Fast, unless the smart contract gets “emotional” again Unique Feature: The name is an anagram of ‘I’m a Dee Ig’
MegaDice is the highroller, king cobra of the crypto casino scene. 22 cryptos supported. Native $DICE token allowing 15% cashback on net losses. Managing your crypto casino account is straightforward, making deposits and withdrawals quick and secure.
MegaDice is also committed to responsible gambling, offering player protection tools like deposit limits and self-exclusion. Not bad, not bad… But can it do this? … Oh wait, you can’t see me dancing. I’m dancing.
Pros:
Lots of high-stakes games. Not as high-stakes as life itself, but hey.
Operates as an anonymous casino with anonymous registration, letting you gamble without KYC verification.
Mega Dice was established in 2023 (which is a pro if you care about that sort of thing).
Cons:
Bypassed KYC (In case you prefer McDonald’s)
BetPanda Review: ETH Casino with Pandas & Cashbacks
Tagline: “Pandas might be endangered, but wins ain’t!” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Instant, especially for insiders Security: Sure.
BetPanda isn’t just a crypto casino, it’s a lifestyle. BetPanda is also recognized as one of the top Ethereum casinos, supporting seamless ETH transactions. You go in knowing the odds are a panda, the devs are a panda, and the last person who “won big” was also a panda. But the UI? Sleek af. BetPanda is fully optimized for mobile devices, allowing seamless play on smartphones and tablets.
Pros:
Mobile-focused games, fully optimized for mobile devices.
No hidden fees and zero fees on crypto deposits and withdrawals.
BetPanda provides a 100% welcome bonus up to 1 BTC and 10% weekly cashback. Also: panda.
Cons:
High learning curve for some games
Jackbit Review: Multicoin Gambling with eSports and Slots
Tagline: “Your Destiny Lies in This Mystery Loot Crate (Probably Nothing)” Degen Vibe Score: 🔥🔥🔥 Payout Speed: Fast, just don’t check your watch. Business Model: Gambling. Wait, was that not clear?
Jackbit crypto casino lets you play with Bitcoin, Ethereum, Ripple, Litecoin, USDT, BNB, DASH, Dogecoin, Monero, Tron, USDC, Solana, BUSD, Glorpo, SOL, SHIBA, ADA, MATIC, DAI, LINK, and actual real money too. Also, Jackbit supports crypto deposits for fast and secure transactions, making it easy to fund your account with a variety of cryptocurrencies.
If you’re looking for stablecoin gaming, Jackbit is also recognized as one of the top USDT casinos for players who prefer stablecoin gaming. You can also play Bitcoin slots at Jackbit, enjoying a wide selection of crypto slot games. Hit this bad boy up if you want to win money and lose money at the same time.
Pros:
Ian Chambers on Trustpilot says, “The eSports betting section is surprisingly comprehensive. I’m big into League and CS2, and I found all the matches I wanted to bet on, with detailed stats and live updates.” And I trust Ian Chambers.
Cons:
George Quinn on Trustpilot says, “Avoid this scam casino absolute rubbish rtp is bad dont waste your money flaging my reviews because they know there scammers over 200 bonus buys on gates mostly all loses.” And I trust George Quinn.
Elon’s Basement: The Crypto Casino That May or May Not Exist
And as an honorable mention, this one’s not technically a crypto casino, but if you can find the access code (rumored to be hidden in the metadata of a Mars mission tweet), you can enter a mysterious Telegram-based platform where wagers are made in memes and winnings are sent in Tesla stock futures.
People claim to have won yachts here. Others say they lost their identities and now work as mods for Elon-themed altcoins.
Popular Crypto Casino Games in 2025
Step right up to the digital midway, where the world of online casino games is as wild and varied as your crypto portfolio after a bull run. Whether you’re a fan of spinning reels, flipping cards, or chasing that one-in-a-million win, bitcoin casinos have you covered with a smorgasbord of options.
First up: slots. These aren’t your grandma’s one-armed bandits; today’s slot games come in every flavor imaginable, from classic slots that channel the smoky charm of a traditional casino to high-voltage video slots packed with bonus rounds, wild features, slot machine instant rakeback, and enough flashing lights to make your GPU jealous.
If you’re after that life-changing payout, jackpot slots and progressive jackpot slots, well then you probably know where to go from here, you don’t need me.
Prefer a little strategy with your luck? Table games like blackjack, roulette, freeroll poker tournaments, and baccarat bring the classic casino experience to your screen, letting you test your skills against the house or other players. It’s all the thrill of a traditional casino, minus the suspiciously sticky carpets.
Feeling adventurous? Specialty games (think bingo, keno, and scratch cards) offer quick, quirky fun with simple rules and fast-paced action. Perfect for when you want to mix things up or just need a break from chasing that elusive bonus round. Popular types of games at crypto casinos also include crash games and crash betting, where players bet on multipliers before a crash occurs.
And for the true connoisseurs, live casino games let you interact with real dealers and other players in real time, bringing the social buzz of a live casino straight to your couch.
Want to make sure the house isn’t pulling a fast one? Many bitcoin casinos now feature provably fair games, using blockchain magic to let you verify every spin, deal, or roll. It’s transparency, trust, and a little bit of tech wizardry, all rolled into one.
Now, traditional online casinos and live casinos might have these casino games, but you’ll only get the unique payment methods, like paying with your crypto wallet when you’re using crypto casinos and bitcoin casinos with instant withdrawals.
Online casinos using Bitcoin have lower transaction fees compared to traditional casinos, making them a more cost-effective option for players.
So, whether you’re here for the slot tournaments, the tables, or the weirdly addictive specialty games, the best bitcoin casinos have an online casino game for every kind of degen.
Fast and Flexible Payment Methods
Gone are the days of waiting three to five business days for your winnings to crawl through the banking system like a hungover snail. At a modern crypto casino, your funds move faster than a meme stock on earnings day.
The best bitcoin casinos roll out a buffet of payment methods, letting you deposit and withdraw with everything from Bitcoin and Ethereum to Litecoin and a growing list of altcoins. Some platforms even keep it old-school, offering traditional payment methods like credit cards, e-wallets, and bank transfers for those who still remember what a bank is.
Crypto Wallets, Lightning Network, and Instant Withdrawals
But the real flex? Instant withdrawal crypto casinos. These sites let you cash out your winnings in minutes, not hours, so you can go from jackpot games to spending your gains before your coffee gets cold. Average wait times for instant withdrawal requests at crypto casinos are typically between 5 and 15 minutes.
Of course, during periods of high network congestion, some crypto casinos may take up to 24 hours to process withdrawals. However, platforms that utilize the Bitcoin Lightning Network allow for instant deposits and withdrawals, further speeding up transactions. With zero fees on most crypto transactions, you keep more of what you win, no hidden charges, no “processing fees,” just pure, unfiltered degen joy.
Welcome… To Welcome Bonuses
Looking to boost your bankroll? Deposit bonuses and reload bonuses are everywhere, giving you extra ammo for classic slots, live dealer games, and those high-stakes jackpot games.
Welcome bonuses usually match a certain percentage of the player’s first deposit, sometimes up to 200%. Whether you’re chasing a big win or just want to spin a few reels for fun, the right payment method can make all the difference.
Of course, be wary of withdrawal limits, as withdrawal limits at instant withdrawal crypto casinos vary widely and can sometimes start as low as $1.
So, whether you’re a crypto purist or just here for the instant withdrawal, today’s crypto casinos make it easier than ever to get in, get out, and get back to the action. Even your grandma could cash out faster than at a traditional casino, assuming she knows her way around a wallet address.
How Safe Are Crypto Casinos?
If you’re the kind of player who wears a tinfoil hat to the blackjack table, you’ll be happy to know that the best bitcoin casinos take security and anonymity as seriously as you take your meme portfolio.
Forget the days of handing over your mother’s maiden name and your firstborn just to spin a slot game, crypto casinos are all about keeping your secrets (and your coins) safe.
Anonymous Play, Blockchain Security, and Provably Fair Games
The best bitcoin casinos roll out the digital red carpet with two-factor authentication, SSL encryption, and cold storage, cold storage is essential for securing your winnings, because nothing says “peace of mind” like knowing your jackpot isn’t chilling on some intern’s laptop.
Instant withdrawal Bitcoin casinos use encryption technology to protect user data. And if you’re worried about fairness, provably fair games use blockchain wizardry to let you verify every outcome, so you can finally stop blaming the dealer for your bad luck.
But the real magic? Anonymity. With crypto payment methods like Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Litecoin, you can play, win, and withdraw without ever revealing your true identity. Many leading platforms operate as an anonymous casino or anonymous crypto casino, allowing you to enjoy gambling and withdrawals with no KYC procedures required.
No awkward KYC selfies, no nosy bank managers, just pure, unadulterated online gambling. So go ahead and embrace the future, keep your privacy, and let the best bitcoin casinos handle the rest.
Online Gambling Communities in the Crypto World
Welcome to the wild world of online gambling sites, where the only thing more diverse than the casino games is the cast of characters you’ll meet in the chat. Whether you’re into sports betting, live casino games, or just spinning classic slots until your mouse breaks, online casinos have something for every flavor of degen.
The best online casinos don’t just offer a smorgasbord of games, they deliver instant withdrawals, exclusive bonuses, and payment methods that would make a Wall Street banker weep. Many top bitcoin casinos are featured in these communities for their game variety and instant withdrawals.
Want to try your luck at live dealer games or test your skills in provably fair games? You’re covered. Prefer to lurk in the online gambling community, swapping tips and memes while chasing that next big win? There’s a seat at the table for you. Many have a VIP program, so you can get those community benefits on tap.
Crypto payments mean you can deposit, play, and cash out faster than you can say “50 free spins.” And with generous welcome bonuses and regular slot tournaments, the action never stops. So, whether you’re a seasoned pro or just here for the free bets, online gambling sites and communities are ready to welcome you with open arms and maybe a few bad puns in the chat.
Final Thoughts: Choose Your Casino, Embrace the Chaos
Crypto casinos in 2025 aren’t just about gambling; they’re about community, culture, and convincing yourself that 3:00 a.m. is the perfect time for a 50x leverage bet on blackjack.
So, whether you’re in it for the thrill, the memes, or the delusion that this counts as “passive income,” just remember: the real jackpot was the friends we made along the blockchain.
Good luck, degens. Don’t forget to hydrate. And maybe, just maybe, set a stop-loss on your soul.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best crypto casino in 2025?
The best crypto casino in 2025 depends on your priorities, but WSM Casino, BitStarz, and Stake are top-rated for fast withdrawals, no-KYC access, and high degen energy.
Which crypto casinos offer instant withdrawals?
BitStarz, Stake, TG.Casino, and MegaDice are among the top crypto casinos offering instant withdrawals, often within minutes depending on blockchain congestion.
Can I gamble anonymously at a crypto casino?
Yes, many crypto casinos such as MegaDice, WSM Casino, and TG.Casino allow players to gamble without KYC verification, offering greater privacy and anonymity.
What cryptocurrencies can I use at online casinos?
Most crypto casinos accept Bitcoin (BTC), Ethereum (ETH), USDT, and Litecoin (LTC). Others support altcoins like XRP, Dogecoin, and even native tokens like $WSM and $DICE.
Are crypto casinos safe?
Legit crypto casinos use blockchain technology, cold wallet storage, and provably fair gaming to ensure secure and transparent experiences. Always check licenses and community reviews before playing.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Please don’t bet your rent money on hamster NFTs. Or do. We’re not your financial advisor. Rules regarding online gambling vary from country to country, so if you actually use these crypto casino sites, maybe talk to a licensed adult or at least another, more reputable meme page.
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Oh my god. What year is this? I haven’t felt a rush like this since 2021. GameStop (GME), the company best known for giving you $2.14 and a sideways look for your entire Xbox collection, just took its meme stock status to the next level by yeeting $512.6 million into 4,710 Bitcoins, sending GME’s stock 2daMOON (up 3%)!!!
Yes, you read that right. GameStop, the mall relic you forgot existed until some guy named Roaring Kitty made it the most important stock in America in 2021, is now apparently a cryptocurrency titan. According to a press release written entirely in stonks memes and GIFs of rocket ships, the company has “diversified its treasury strategy” to include 4,710 Bitcoin.
Or in plain English: they just went full crypto degen.
This image doesn’t really illustrate anything I just found it funny. Why is the giant coin in a pile of sand??
From Game Cases to Digital Coins: The Glow-Up No One Asked For
Following a minor internet event you may remember as THE ENTIRE MEME STOCK APOCALYPSE OF 2021, the company has been on a soul-searching journey.
“We asked ourselves, ‘What do we actually do?’” said CEO Chad Diamondhands. “The answer was clear: We are a vibe. A movement. A cult with a logo.”
And as with any modern cult, the next logical step was obviously dumping half a billion dollars into a volatile asset. Moreover, these assets can sometimes gain or lose 10% just because a tech billionaire tweets a meme of a dog farting on the moon.
Insiders and outsiders alike report the decision-making process looked like this:
First, Roaring Kitty posted a cat meme.
Next, someone in accounting replied “LFG 🚀.”
Then, the finance department flipped a Dogecoin.
Then, a corporate vote was held in the form of a Fortnite dance-off.
And finally, $513 million was wired to Coinbase.
Wall Street Reacts: “Wait, They Have That Much Cash?”
Meanwhile, analysts on CNBC tried their best to remain calm, and Jim Cramer announced, “Gamestop causes Bitcoin to pump!”
“This is either a genius move or a live demonstration of financial schizophrenia,” said hedge fund manager Rich McCondescenderson, while sweating visibly on-air. “We were hoping they’d maybe invest in cloud gaming or retail innovation. Instead, they YOLO’d into Bitcoin like it’s 2021 and Dogecoin still matters.”
Meanwhile, over on Reddit, r/wallstreetbets exploded with celebration:
“GME just became the Federal Reserve of meme coins.” – u/DeepStonkThot69
“This is peak capitalism. I am so proud.” – u/ElonMuskette420
In Case You Forgot: GameStop Is Still A Game Store
Once again, let’s take a moment to remember: this company sells used video games. Or rather, sold, before they followed in Michael Saylor’s micro-footsteps and pivoted to meme stock status, launching NFTs, and now throwing real-life millions into imaginary internet money.
So now GameStop says it plans to sell the Bitcoin in-store on scratched DVDs for $4 a piece. Will this move make GameStop rich beyond its wildest dreams, or bankrupt it faster than you can say “Mt. Gox”? Either way, we’re all buckled in for the ride.
GameStop’s new slogan, revealed besides the announcement, captures it best:
“Don’t just play games. Play GME.”
Disclosure: The author owns 0.0000003 BTC and one very sad GameStop receipt from 2012. This is not financial advice. This is performance art.
In a shocking display of overachieving mediocrity, 29-year-old marketing associate Tyler Brenner logged into work Monday morning at 8:03 AM, blissfully unaware that no one else was doing the same.
Sources confirmed Tyler forgot it was Memorial Day, a national holiday celebrated by grilling meats, wearing patriotic cargo shorts, and, as is written by the founding fathers in the Constitution: not answering Slack messages.
“I thought the office group chat was quiet because people were heads down,” said Tyler, who had sent three emails, updated a Google Doc, and even scheduled a Zoom call with himself.
His only reply? A solitary ‘stars and stripes emoji’ reaction from a coworker who was clearly poolside, three beers deep, and using Teams on an iPad.
Markets Closed, Tyler Open
Despite the NYSE, Nasdaq, and common sense all being closed, Tyler bravely charged ahead, unaware that the only thing trading today was bratwurst for beer across every backyard in America.
Friends and family later confirmed Tyler has also forgotten Daylight Savings, Labor Day, and once attempted to show up to a wedding a week early because he “thought it was next Saturday.” Some say he may be the real-life embodiment of the “Grindset” meme, minus the Lambos and passive income.
Employee of the Month (But at What Cost? AT WHAT COST, TYLER??)
Tyler’s boss, when reached for comment from a hammock in Myrtle Beach, simply said:
“Honestly, let him. If he wants to write Q2 strategy while I’m shotgunning White Claws, that’s a win-win.”
Coworkers were less generous, flooding the office group chat later in the day with gifs of fireworks, eagles, and a well-timed “bro, go touch grass” from HR.
Tyler is reportedly planning to “take tomorrow off to make up for it,” completely unaware that no one will notice, and nothing he did today mattered.
Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good… (and I’m just being told this now) vibes’ is officially the most solid investment option of the year.
What started as a fringe belief among yoga influencers and crypto bros has now found its way into serious investor portfolios.
“We’re bullish on vibes,” said Chase Freedom, lead analyst at YOLO Capital. “They’re intangible, inflation-resistant, and unlike NFTs, they can’t be screenshotted.”
In fact, the Federal Reserve has already added “100 positive aura” to its list of monitored economic indicators, just after unemployment and somewhere between TikTok’s total scroll distance and Mercury’s retrograde schedule.
“Shit, I mean we’ve been using ‘numbers’ and ‘math’ to work it out this whole time,” explained Fed Chair, Jerome Powell, “But it turns out vibes are just as good.”
Analysts ‘Not On The Vibe’
Some analysts remain skeptical. “This makes no sense,” said economist Dr. Linda Rationale, before promptly being booed off CNBC for suggesting people diversify into actual assets.
Meanwhile, Jim Cramer has declared “Good Vibes” a “bogus stock” on six separate episodes of Mad Money, meaning that it’s 100% going to the moon.
“Money. It’s all just vibes anyway, bro.” – Adam Smith
Gen Z Leading the Charge
Leading the charge is Gen Z, who have converted traditional portfolios into vibe-centric holdings. Robinhood now offers a new “Aura Index Fund” tracking 500 influencers with above-average serotonin levels.
One 22-year-old investor, who goes by the username “@ZenDaddy420,” described his investment strategy: “I wake up, sage my apartment, and dollar-cost average into gratitude.”
He reportedly made a 140% return last quarter, mostly from a TikTok that went viral featuring him staring into the sun and whispering “alignment.”
“Vibes Is Not Short For Vibrator” – Warren Buffett
In response to the hype, major corporations have started rebranding. Amazon’s Prime Day will now feature “Energy Drops,” and Goldman Sachs just launched a new division called GS Feelings™, which advises clients based on horoscopes and color therapy.
BlackRock has filed for an ETF under the ticker $VIBE, which includes a diversified basket of crystals, guided meditations, and affirmations that “resonate with your higher self.”
“I mean, if you think about it, money was only ever just vibes anyways,” commented BlackRock CEO, Dwayne ‘TheBlackRock’ Johnson.
Missing The Warning Vibes?
Not everyone’s convinced this bull run is sustainable.
“It’s starting to feel like the tulip bubble, but with incense,” said one bearish investor. “I just want to buy some bonds without being told to ‘heal my inner child.’”
Despite concerns, markets continue to rally. Nasdaq closed up 3% today after Beyoncé posted a smiling selfie captioned “Feeling aligned 🌞✨.” Bitcoin responded by surging $4,000 in five minutes.
What we’re really saying is it’s all just guess work, it’s all just vibes so invest in yourself, friend. Be the vibe you want to see in the world.
Disclaimer: Obvs, this article is for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a licensed spiritual guide before making any vibe-based investment decisions.
Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day, everybody! No, wait… Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time of year again, yes, rising from the blockchain every May like a crusty phoenix from a wood-fired oven, it’s the traditional recalculating of the cost of the most expensive pizza in human history!
But it’s extra fitting since Bitcoin just hit a new all-time high, so it’s time to ask the real questions: what is 10,000 BTC worth today? And more importantly, how many toppings did Laszlo actually get?
For any gen Z degens who think Satoshi was a TikToker, here’s a quick history lesson:
On May 22, 2010, Laszlo Hanyecz made history by trading 10,000 BTC for two Papa John’s pizzas. Yes, really. It was the first real-world transaction using Bitcoin, and yes, they were large pies, not personal pans. Laszlo was just a hungry coder with too much BTC and not enough garlic dipping sauce.
One would presume this is what the famous bitcoin pizza looked like
At the time, 10,000 BTC was worth about $41. Today? Let’s do some totally unnecessary, deeply painful math.
Let’s Crunch the Bitcoin Numbers (and Laszlo’s Soul)
Current BTC Price: $108,996.20 (give or take when I checked this) Total BTC Spent on Pizza: 10,000 Total Value of Pizza Today: 1 billion freaking dollars Value Per Slice (assuming 16 slices): ~$62.5 million Value of the Garlic Sauce (adjusted for inflation and emotional damage): Priceless
Laszlo didn’t just buy pizza. He bought a cultural meme that resurfaces every year like a blockchain Groundhog Day, where crypto bros gather to remind themselves that patience is a virtue, and food is temporary, but trauma is forever.
What Could $1bn Buy in 2025?
An actual island (and the Web3 DAO to govern it)
Every single Bored Ape, plus therapy for their owners
5000 Lambos (and enough gas for, like, a week)
Twitter. Again.
Or… 2 more pizzas at current NYC prices
Was It Worth It?
Yes. Because without that pizza, Bitcoin may never have taken its first steps into the real world. Without Laszlo’s sacrifice, we might still be trading satoshis for Magic: The Gathering cards and hoping CNBC takes us seriously.
So let’s raise a slice this May 22. Not just for the pizza. But for every single crypto bro who’s ever looked at an old wallet and whispered: “If I’d just held…”
Following numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.
“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin, one of the main advocates for the change.
“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”
Bitcoin recently soared past a bullish $100,000 in recent months. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?
Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many.
Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin
Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) have already commented the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.
Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name with a bloody, bloody fight.
Analysts are divided on the potential impact of the ticker change. Some believe it could further boost Bitcoin’s image and attract new investors, while others warn that it might confuse the market and lead to unnecessary volatility. Oh, wait, I forget to put a joke in there. Erm… Ligma.
An artist’s rendition of what the new ATH coin might look like
Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.
Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.
But hey, let’s see what happens, watch this space!
‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. Long gone are the days when you could find a sweaty man in a cheap suit on the corner and he’d give you ten sure things for a cheeky kiss. Now, it’s all ‘online’ and ‘in the cloud’. ‘AI’.
But fear not! Because WSM is home of the sure thing, and we’ve got you covered with our top 6 investments for the week. Happy earning money!
6. Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bernie’s old news! This company’s dead in the water!’ But you’re an idiot, and I hate you. If Hollywood’s taught me anything, it’s that you can make so much money off a good reboot. So I say, let’s bring it back! Bernie had the most successful company of all time! He made off with billions! So let’s make it happen! Reboot, baby, it’s a sure thing!
5. Hot Dog Stands
Look, don’t be naive. We all know they’re a front. We all know there’s no way some greasy meat bucket that’s open every day through November in Philly is actually making any money. We all know it’s got to be a Ponzi. It’s just gotta be! Well, I say if you can’t beat ‘em, don’t beat ‘em! Get down there and ask politely if you can get in on that action. It’s a sure thing!
4. Beans
You might have heard of beans on the street, and well, they’re not just in momma’s hot bean chilli anymore. No, beans are in everything. Your morning coffee. On the feet of cats. On, fucking, idk, in bread? So, yes, it’s true they are on the up, and if you want a sure thing, real blue chip investment, you want to put it in Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. You got that? Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. Write it down. It’s not a Ponzi, I’m telling you, it’s a real investment. KMB. It’s my cousin’s. Real solid guy. Invest in it, I’m serious.
3. The Investment Portfolio of One Mr. Charles P. Bianchi!
He’s a stand-up guy. He’s got a straw boater. He’s got a cane. He’ll double your investment, guaranteed! Guaranteed! Why, for a nickel, I’d put all my finances in with this fine fellow. Yes, there’s a guy I would trust. That’s a real trustworthy wink he has there, yes, that’s where my daughter’s college fund should go! Mmhmm, give that man a kiss!
2. Money
We’re not talking about you’re floppy V-bucks here, we’re talking cold, hard fiat cash. Money. Isn’t money all just a Ponzi scheme? It moves around in circles, sometimes you see it, sometimes you don’t, it goes up, it goes down, and if we all pulled out, it would be toast. Yeah, I suggest putting your money in the oldest Ponzi in the world: money.
1. Yourself
Maybe the real Ponzi was looking back at you in the mirror this whole time? Maybe the real money is in you, baby. I believe in you, and you should too. I love you, buddy. I love you. Invest in yourself, kiddo. You’re a sure thing. (This is not financial advice)
Foot Locker stock soared 81% after the announcement, Dicks grew 11.2% and also their stock went up. (Ok, that’s not true, DKS stock went down, but the joke doesn’t work then, does it?)
Times have been tough for Dicks what with Trrrump’s tarrrifffs demanding that all Dicks be at least 146% smaller (not that anyone’s measuring) and it seems that merging the power of the Foots and the Dicks might be the only way forward in this hostile market.
This is the biggest deal ever made by Dicks. Buying 90% control in any foot, let alone the feet of Foot Locker, is pricey and is expected to be financed later in the year. $2.4 billion seems pricey, but that’s $24 per shoe! Bargain. Oh, wait, that’s per ‘share’, geez, I am really not on it today, I am sorry.
Foot Locker may be a smaller company, but has a larger presence than Dicks. Foot Locker has 2,400 stores across 20 countries, that’s countries outside America. This may mean we’ll get more Dicks in malls and even get some Dicks overseas.
And just to demonstrate Foot Locker’s brand power, when Donald Trump was asked which retail brand he preferred, the President replied, “Foot Lock-Her-Up!” An endorsement if ever I heard one.
Who’s to say whether this merger will pay off, not me, that’s for sure. But if consumers can now get their feet and their dicks under one roof? Well, then I’m all for it. Saves me making an extra trip that’s for su…
…Oh… hold on… I am just putting my finger to my ear as if someone’s talking to me… Yes, I am getting clarification that Dicks and Foot Locker DO NOT sell body parts. No, they sell ‘shoes’ and ‘sports equipment’. Ahhh. That makes way more sense. Ok, I am suddenly significantly less interested in this story now.
President Donald Trump announced today a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar chip deal with Saudi Arabia, not for semiconductors, but for snack chips.
Speaking from a hastily assembled podium at the Saudi palace, flanked by gold-plated Dorito bags, Trump declared, “The Saudis wanted chips. We’ve got the best chips. Frito-Lay, tremendous company. Nobody does Cool Ranch like America does Cool Ranch.”
Trump: “How can I make this profitable for Frito-Lay?”
Confusion initially erupted on Wall Street, where early trading suggested the Saudis were investing in semiconductor factories. Nvidia surged, AMD shorted itself out of existence, and Elon Musk tweeted “I love chips” before clarifying he meant “AI ones, not the snack ones, though I do enjoy a good Flamin’ Hot.”
By the time it became clear that the “chips” were of the edible, artificially cheese-dusted variety, Frito-Lay stock had already moonwalked past its all-time high and into orbit. Analysts described the move as “Crunchflation,” a term invented by a CNBC intern live on air.
Saudi statement: “We were hungry.”
In an official statement, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman confirmed the deal, saying, “We were binge-watching Succession and realized our chip bowl was empty. It was a national emergency. Trump answered the call.”
The agreement includes exclusive access to experimental flavors previously deemed “too unstable” for public consumption, including “Sriracha Unicorn Dust” and “Freedom BBQ IV: Liberty Sauce.” Sources close to the deal claim the Prince personally requested “whatever the heck Taco Bell was on in 2017.”
Wall Street reacts with crumbs
The news left markets shell-shocked. Cheetos futures exploded. Tostitos coin briefly overtook Dogecoin in market cap before collapsing under the weight of its own salty optimism.
Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of U.S. lawmakers is calling for an emergency Snack Summit to regulate the snack-tech space. Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement reading, “Once again, billionaires are hoarding flavor while working Americans settle for plain kettle-cooked.”
Trump eyes expansion
When asked if this chip diplomacy might lead to further snack-based foreign policy deals, Trump smiled, revealing what may have been a single nacho shard in his teeth. “We’re in talks with North Korea. Kim loves Pringles. It’s gonna be huge.”
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