Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Currently now world’s richest man again, Elon Musk has disclosed a purchase of 2.57 million shares in Tesla INCorporated ($TLC) worth roughly $1billion dollars in money. The move seems entirely motivated by Musk’s desire to remain the king of the world, sorry, ‘world’s richest person’ after Larry Ellison wrestled the top spot off him for all of four seconds.

How can spending money make you richer, I hear you ask? Well, I don’t know. It certainly doesn’t work for me, let me tell you that. Surfice it to say that when you reach a certain amount of wealthy, all previous financial rules are reversed. Everything is free. Having no cash is a good thing. Taking out massive loans is a good thing. Etc. Etc…

This is Elon’s first Tesla stock purchase since 2020, his largest ever single stock purchase (I guess twitter doesn’t count) and the largest purchase made by a Bond villain since Blofeld bought a moon base.

Musk’s purchase is seen as a vote of confidence in his own company and shares jumped 6% following the news. Oh, I wonder who’ll profit from that? What are we even doing here, Jesus…

The news is good for tesla investors who have been hit in the face repeatedly with various set backs this year. From China dominating EVs to Elon running for president, Tesla enjoyers just can’t catch a break.

Although Elon Musk hasn’t been seen out the house in two years, he was last spotted on a video call at a riot in Britain for some reason. (WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS MAN)

For an explanation of this man, please read below this Wikipedia article I definitely didn’t just copy and paste from Wikipedia:

Elon Musk (muh-sk) is an African human individual with an interest in Mars. He is/was the inventor of the electric car, the electric tower and the dribble glass (citation needed). He was the first ever man to become the world’s richest man. Recently, his political interests include politics, high-fiving angels and British Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

For just a few hours there, Larry Ellison became the world’s richest man, dethroning Elon Musk, who had held the title for about a year. (*Halo announcer voice*: KINGSLAYER!)

Elon’s undoubtedly pissed, but you know who else is pissed? Me. Because I just wrote an article about how he became the second richest man and now it’s INSTANTLY out of date. What the hell?! He was like $20 billion off Elon, how do you make $20 billion in a day?!? Someone please tell me now, I need to quit this job.

Anyway, you’re probably the same thing that Larry Ellison’s wife is wondering: who the hell is Larry Ellison? Well, he’s the CEO of Oracle and was formerly the world’s richest man.

What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 40% yesterday, after giving an optimistic shareholders report on the future of AI. Maybe giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $80 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $393 billion, just surpassing Musk’s $385 billion. Oracle shed those gains by the end of day and Musk reclaimed the top spot. (So what, it was just all hypothetical money anyways? What are we even doing here?)

Elon responded, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

Larry had the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the Bloomberg rich weirdos index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

Oracle’s mostly a cloud computing service and was late to pivot to AI, but was perfectly poised to use all its data centres for AI which is why we’re in this whole mess. Oracle person, Safra Catz (cool name) said that Oracle signed “four multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers” in the three months to the end of August. So yeah, mega bucks.

More about Larry? Ok, sure. He owns a tennis tournament (how?). He owns an island, like 98% of the Hawaiian island Lanai. You know, classic rich guy shit. He originally made Oracle as a CIA database. He was an early investor in Tesla so has a 1.4% stake which means he’s 1.4% bleeding Elon dry.

So yeah, we almost had a new random rich guy that we would have had to have had learned about. Lucky he’s only SECOND BEST and we can all forget about that pathetic loser.

What will Larry do next? idk. Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

For more tech news, Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

As featured in a viral Reddit post, random man Nathan Smith used ChatGPT to conduct a “6-month experiment to see how a language model performs in picking small, undercovered stocks with only a $100 budget.”

And it seems to be paying off. Smith has made $25 so far, which is a 23.8% return for all you math nerds out there. That’s significantly higher than the Rusell 2000, XBI and the S&P 500 AND my own personal portfolio, which is actually doing really badly atm maybe I should get on this chatguputuh thingy.

ChatGPT stocks reddit post — fuckin stonks mate

So, should we all follow Smith’s lead and let Sam Altman become our stock broker as well as out therapist? Well, it’s still debatable whether chaty-G is better with other users not having similar success. Hey, if it was consistently better then everyone would be using it by now. Trust.

A crucial element is that Smith did add some probably much needed human input. He first inputted the stock data and then added a stop loss rule so that chatgupt would sell the stocks at a certain price. This isn’t AI entirely off the chain here.

Smith’s experiment is still ongoing so time will tell whether AI will come out on top here. It looks like when it comes to stock, we might need to rewrite the phrase, “brain meets brawn” afterall. Now it’s “brain meets computer brain meets brawn”. And who will win? Maybe computer brain but probably not brawn. Stayed tuned here for more information about this.

Make Sure To Use Subheadings To Improve Readability ChatGPT

It’s the thing about stocks and money you should know is a ChatGPTE could never replace a humanbeing a never it cannot do what I can do and trade stocks stonks like me. money.

Meanwhile chatpshitithinki’mhaving a stock a strok a stoke call the chaptgpt tellthen i’m havinga stork STORK fuck

For more news, click here: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

Since entering office, Mr. “The President” Donald Trump has reportedly spent $103.7 million buying up government bonds in the greatest example of putting your money where your mouth is since Quinto Banes won the 14th annual dollar bill eating contest.

The truly inspiring news comes from a report that all officials are forced at gunpoint to release. This one says that he made 690 (nice) transactions, beginning the day after his inauguration. Bonds were bought in local governments, school boards, airport authorities, and gas districts. Ok, so I guess that’s not directly government bonds? Whatever, the joke in the title doesn’t work otherwise. I’m not changing it.

It’s unclear if by “bonds” Trumpet thought he was investing in Amazon’s upcoming James Bond movies; either way, it’s a savvy move.

Trumpybaby also bought a ton of corporate debt for some reason. He spent $500,000 EACH on Qualcomm Inc, Home Depot, and T-Mobile debt on February 10 and bought $250,000 of debt from Facebook. Why you’d want to buy debt is anyone’s guess. Why would you want more debt?? This is the poor kind of financial planning that we’ve all come to expect from Mr. Jonathan Trump!

Some of these trades cover companies that recently lost government contracts, potentially representing a conflict of interest or insider trader. Not that Grump’s an insider, no, he’s going to drain the swamp, not drown in it.

Presidents aren’t required to release their potential conflicting interests, but they have done so anyway out of tradition. Trump’s the first not to. Idk, I really think politicians shouldn’t be allowed to trade at all. I get you’ve got separate trusts and things, but Trump’s got his divested crypto investments, which you can’t tell me are insulated from his own rhetoric hyping the product.

If Pelosi gets it in the neck for insider trading, Trump and everyone else should too. Grab your pitchforks, who’s with me!?!

For more EXPERT financial opinions, read this one: Trump’s Tariffs Take Effect TODAY Explaining Why My Jeggings Haven’t Arrived Even Though I Ticked Next Day Delivery

Well, folks, the S&P 500 just printed yet another all-time high. Again. And it’s all thanks to “Biden’s Economy.”

Now, you might be asking: “How?!” or “Should I sell?” or “Why does my portfolio still look like it got margin-called by a raccoon with a Robinhood account?” Fear not, because we’ve got answers that definitely weren’t churned out by an AI in four seconds. [It’s fine, it still counts as human writing if I edit it.] So, without further ado, here are the five totes legit, 100% not-made-up reasons the market is going parabolic.

1. Jerome Powell’s New Side Hustle: Professional Market Hype Man

The Fed Chair has apparently decided interest rates are “so last season” and has pivoted to full-time meme stock promoter. Every time Powell opens his mouth now, the market hears “free tendies forever”, even when he’s just ordering lunch.

[Yeah, nice, you got the word ‘tendies’ in there and that’s a joke because recognition is funny. Powell’s good meme fodder, but I’m not sure the angle’s right here since Powell’s kind of doing the opposite?]

2. AI Is Going to Do Everything, Including Inflate Your 401(k)

Analysts have decided AI will not only take everyone’s jobs, but also single-handedly solve GDP, climate change, and your dating life. Wall Street’s official AI price target is now “infinity,” and every CEO is legally required to say “AI” at least four times per earnings call.

[See, this just seems a bit self-serving and like you’ve got a hidden agenda here. …Do you have a hidden agenda?]

3. Retail Traders Have Finally Achieved Nirvana

After years of YOLOing into garbage penny stocks and crypto rug pulls, retail has decided, “Hey, maybe I’ll just buy the index and chill.” This newfound zen has confused hedge funds into buying everything in sight to figure out what the peasants are up to.

[Sure.]

4. Corporate Buybacks Are on PEDs

Forget steroids in baseball, the real performance-enhancing drugs are whatever corporations are using to fuel buybacks right now. CFOs are out here deleting shares faster than Reddit deletes bad DD, and apparently the only thing they can’t buy back is their dignity.

[Look, there you go again, this is less a joke and more a list of things that people will recognize. Needs a rework, please.]

5. We’re All Pretending the Economy Is Fine

Mass layoffs? Sky-high rents? A used Honda Civic costing more than your college tuition? Don’t worry about it. The collective market strategy is to close our eyes, hum “stonks only go up,” and hope the music never stops.

[Yeah, this just isn’t it, Geept. I think let’s rework this and come back to EOD with something funnier, smarter, and altogether more human, please.]

So, will the S&P 500 keep ripping higher? Absolutely. Will it eventually crash? Also absolutely. But until then, grab your diamond hands, load up on index ETFs, and remember: the only real ATH is the friends we made along the way.

[Hello? Are you even listening to me? I said I need this edited, please. …Wait, how does this thing even work??]

For more conversations inside my head, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

Microchip manufacturers Nvidia and AMD have agreed to give 15% of Chinese chip sales to the US government in a move that isn’t a tax or tariff but some secret third thing that definitely isn’t a bribe.

Previously, America banned the companies from selling powerful chips to China in an effort to curb their AI development (not that it really stopped them). Experts cited Nvidia’s H20 chip in particular as an accelerator of China’s AI capabilities and banned sales of the chip even though it was created specifically for the Chinese market.

But APPARENTLY, all it took was a cool 15% to make the government look the other way about those security concerns and allow H20 chip sales again. What are we doing here?

Nvidia stonks — Live footage from inside Nvidia HQ

AMD made the same deal for its MI308 chip. Good for them.

The move follows Nvidia CEO, Jensen Huang’s intense lobbying, including a meeting with Trump last week. FUCK! I got so far in this article without mentioning him. Damnit, I was doing so well!!

OK, Deborah Elms from the Hinrich Foundation (yeah, I don’t know either) put it really well, “You either have a national security problem or you don’t If you have a 15% payment, it doesn’t somehow eliminate the national security issue.” Oh, yeah, that’s well put. It seems that things are true until the kickback cheque cashes.

This cooling of trade tensions between China and America is part of a growing trade peace between the two superpowers. We got a 90-tariff-truce, a minerals agreement, and an agreement that Walt Disney would no longer produce any more Winnie the Pooh movies.

Whether this peace will last, only time and nuclear war will tell.

For more on this story, read this one: Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman just tweeted out a picture of the Death Star ominously looming over the horizon without any caption or explanation.

Could this mean he’s secretly building a Death Star? Well, what else could it mean?

Altman has long since implied that he would like to see the destruction of the Republic and have the US Military replaced by a standing army of ChatGPT-powered Clone Troopers. Unfortunately for Altman, the order of Jedi Knights has stood as protectors of peace throughout the galaxy and so building anything close to a Death Star would require some elaborate coup in which you feign a military crisis in order to build up a military strong enough to take on the jedi then fake your own assassination attempt by the jedi so you can accuse them of treason and wipe them out in one fell swoop. THEN you can build your Death Star.

Ex-Twitter users curious about the meaning of the post (which has over 2 million views) have all commented below Altman’s pic, “@grok WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” great, super helpful, thanks Elon again for making this app completely unusable.

Could he be heralding a new version of ChatGPT that comes with a giant laser? DeathStarGPT?

Maybe he’s just hyped about his latest mega valuation?

Perhaps this is all a distraction away from what he’s REALLY building, which is a giant Voltron robot (click here for more on that).

Or, heck, maybe he just likes the picture.

Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough, just hopefully not by being obliterated by a giant orbital death laser.

Altman's deathstarGPT will come for us all — “I wish I’d said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to ChatGPT…”

For more news, read this one too: BREAKING NEWS: There Is No News

OpenAI is looking to allow employees to sell shares for a record-breaking $500 billion valuation, according to what ChatGPT just told me.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAI plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenAI is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

For more on this story, click here: OpenAI Announces ‘Stargate’, A ChatGPT-Powered Voltron Robot

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has successfully bullied the Tesla board out of 96 million shares worth $30 billion dollars in money after threatening to leave the company.

Pundits thought the board might call Elon’s bluff and give up the erratic billionaire to focus on his political party dubbed, ‘The America Party’, after America. However, in a letter to shareholders, the Tesla board declared that “Retaining Elon is more important than ever before. We are confident that this award will incentivise Elon to remain at Tesla.”

It is unclear if Elon was just off frame with a gun as the letter was being written.

Elon in money — Visual representation of Elon right now

Musk responded to the payment in a briefing call with investors, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.” Well, shit, too late for both there, Mr. Musky man.

Tesla took a big stock hit recently after showing less than stellar sales results this year and is looking to capitalize on Elon’s continued fame and clout and abilities too I would imagine in order to turn things around with big work.

Elon Musk Go Back To Work

What’s Elon’s big work, you ask? Well, someone’s got to make Grok sexy now, don’t they? Yes, that’s right, Musk unveiled a sexy anime skin for X’s chatbot to cover up its Nazi skin.

Will keeping touch-starved males at home to goggle at some AI-generated affection solve the population crisis that Musk so frequently criticises? Yes. Yes, it will. These men weren’t going to breed anyways. Keep them out, increase the quality of the pool. It’s genius. What’s that, did someone say eugenics? No, it’s not that. Shh.

What’s this got to do with Tesla? Well, Tesla’s making robots now, and they have to have personalities too, so what better than a sexy anime waifu? Sure, it’s serving popcorn now, but give it a few years and it’ll be serving ass too.

A massive amount of Elon’s stock pay is still tied up in a seven-year legal battle after a Delaware judge, Kathleen McCormick, ruled the $56 billion package was excessive. And honestly, I didn’t know judges could do that. Can Kathy weigh in on my unexcessive pay?

But what do you think? Should I be paid more? Let us know in the comments.

For more on this story, click here: Tesla Stock Self-Drives Into Canyon

Billionaire innovator Elon Musk today granted the wish of a local Dogecoin holder by having him strapped to a Falcon 9 rocket and launched directly into a lunar transfer orbit.

The investor, 28-year-old Kyle Stockton, who reportedly quit his barista job in 2021 to “day trade freedom,” approached Musk outside a Tesla dealership this morning with a desperate plea. Eyewitnesses say Stockton, wearing a faded “WAGMI” t-shirt and clutching a phone showing his portfolio down 97%, fell to his knees before the SpaceX CEO.

“Papa Elon, please, you have to help us!” wept Stockton, his voice cracking. “My memecoins are in the gutter! My SafeMoon is neither safe nor on its way to the moon! Wen moon, Elon? Please, just send me to the moon!”

According to sources, Musk paused, stared at Stockton with the analytical gaze of an engineer diagnosing a software bug, and nodded slowly. “Affirmative,” Musk stated, pulling out his phone. “Request for lunar trajectory acknowledged. Stand by for fulfillment.”

Before Stockton could clarify that he was referring to the financial, metaphorical moon of massive returns on his $800 investment, a sleek, unmarked black van from the “SpaceX Rapid Response Customer Fulfillment Division” screeched to a halt. A team in pristine white jumpsuits emerged, efficiently placing a baffled Stockton onto a gurney.

“Wait, no, I meant my portfolio!” Stockton was heard shouting as the team fitted him with a surprisingly well-tailored flight suit. “My JPEGs of sad hamsters! They need to 100x!”

Ignoring his protests, Musk oversaw the operation with quiet satisfaction. “He expressed a clear desire for a specific destination,” Musk later told reporters while sipping a sparkling water. “We pride ourselves on customer satisfaction and vertical integration. He asked for the moon. We delivered. Problem solved.”

As the hastily erected launch gantry finished fueling, Stockton’s final, panicked words were picked up on a hot mic: “THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY DIAMOND HANDS! HODL! HODL THE GURNEY! TELL MY MOM TO WATER MY CRYPTO MINING RIG! IT’S A POTTED PLANT I PLUGGED A USB INTOOOOOO!”

The crypto community has hailed the event as an unprecedentedly bullish sign.

“This is it. The prophecy is being fulfilled,” tweeted user @CryptoCzar420 from his mother’s basement. “Elon is literally sending one of us to the moon as a pioneer. This is more bullish than a laser-eyed bull riding a rocket. I’m all in on KyleCoin (KYLE).”

Within minutes, #KyleToTheMoon was trending on X, and over seventeen new cryptocurrencies, including MoonKyle, AstroChad, and LiftOffInu, had been created, rugged, and declared dead.

At press time, Stockton was reportedly halfway to his destination, his faint screams for a Wi-Fi password to check his Blockfolio account being drowned out by the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space. The FAA has released a statement saying they are “looking into the legality of on-demand orbital citizen launches,” but admitted they were “mostly just impressed with the turnaround time.”

For more Elon content, Elon-tent if you will, click here: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

Latest news

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Nvidia Violated Chinese Anti-Monopoly Laws Despite Being Banned In China

Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Will Larry Ellison Be The New Richest Man? Not If Elon Can Help It

Murdoch Empire Reaches Deal, Succession Creators Sue For Plagiarism

Related Articles

John Combs • September 11, 2025

Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?

Max Profit • August 4, 2025

Elon Blackmails Tesla Board Out Of $30 Billion

John Combs • July 24, 2025

Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

Latest news

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Nvidia Violated Chinese Anti-Monopoly Laws Despite Being Banned In China

Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Will Larry Ellison Be The New Richest Man? Not If Elon Can Help It

Murdoch Empire Reaches Deal, Succession Creators Sue For Plagiarism

Max Profit• September 15, 2025D

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Max Profit• D

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Trending News

Latest news

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Nvidia Violated Chinese Anti-Monopoly Laws Despite Being Banned In China

Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Will Larry Ellison Be The New Richest Man? Not If Elon Can Help It

Murdoch Empire Reaches Deal, Succession Creators Sue For Plagiarism

Related Articles

Marge Incall • September 2, 2025

Nestlé Stocks Dip After Firing CEO For Employee Relationship

Bill Fold •

Gold Hits $3,500, Experts Are Calling It “The New Gold”

Max Profit • August 26, 2025

ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

Latest news

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Nvidia Violated Chinese Anti-Monopoly Laws Despite Being Banned In China

Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Will Larry Ellison Be The New Richest Man? Not If Elon Can Help It

Murdoch Empire Reaches Deal, Succession Creators Sue For Plagiarism

Max Profit• September 11, 2025D

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Max Profit• D

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Trending News

Latest news

Elon Buys $1 Billion Dollars In Tesla Just To Stay World’s Richest Man

Nvidia Violated Chinese Anti-Monopoly Laws Despite Being Banned In China

Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak

Will Larry Ellison Be The New Richest Man? Not If Elon Can Help It

Murdoch Empire Reaches Deal, Succession Creators Sue For Plagiarism

Make Sure To Use Subheadings To Improve Readability ChatGPT

Related Articles

Max Profit • September 11, 2025

Larry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak