Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

“I have one simple request, and that is to have dolphins with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.”

Last month, the Wall Street Journal (no relation) reported that Iran was looking for creative solutions to America’s blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, including some very creative solutions such as “kamikaze dolphins.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chair General Dan Caine were then asked about these rumors at a recent press briefing. Caine replied, “I haven’t heard the kamikaze dolphins thing… You mean like sharks with laser beams?”

Hegseth then took the wheel, responding, “I can’t confirm or deny whether we have kamikaze dolphins, but I can confirm they [Iran] don’t.”

OK, none of us were thinking you had kamikaze dolphins, but we definitely are now.

To be fair, the idea isn’t without precedent.

In World War II, the Soviet army trained explosive dogs to run under enemy tanks, but the bomb-laden dogs continually returned to their Russian trainers and were deemed ineffective. Bomb-donkeys, bomb-horses, and bomb-bats have all been used to varying degrees of success, but there are no recorded cases of exploding dolphins.

But that doesn’t mean dolphins aren’t used in warfare.

Dolphins are very intelligent and are routinely trained to help militaries across the world detect underwater obstacles and spot intruders arriving at seaports.

Most relevantly, in 2000, the BBC reported that Iran was purchasing dolphins for a similar program, which might be the origin of the WSJ kamikaze rumor, which has not been substantiated.

The US Navy, for its part, runs the Marine Mammal Program, which explains that, “Mines and other potentially dangerous objects on the ocean floor that are difficult to detect with electronic sonar, especially in coastal shallows or cluttered harbors, are easily found by the dolphins.”

But, after a panic in the 90s that these trained dolphins might be used as weapons, the declassified project revealed no such plan. In fact, the dolphins are reportedly free to leave the program whenever they enter open waters.

That’s nice.

Of course, Hegseth’s ‘can neither confirm nor deny’ adds fuel to the fire of this kamikaze dolphin rumor, but that was likely a default, ‘best to keep ‘em guessing’ tactic and not an admission of anything.

Probably more telling is General Caine’s initial reaction: laugh it off and quote Austin Powers.

The richest man in the world, Elon Musk just posted-then-deleted a cryptic X post on his social media platform, ‘X’.

The post read:

“Bitches
Money
No Taxes
Party”

Musk offered no explanation and merely deleted the X 18 hours later but not before the post gained 48 million views, 300,000 likes and a swath of unhinged memes.

So what was Musk actually trying to say?

Well, Elon was clearly trying to signal something to all of us and it turns out that if you take the first letter of each word it spells: “BMNTP” which is exactly the sound you might make if you were beatboxing, meaning that he’s going to ‘beat’ ‘boxing’ because he’s going to win against Mark Zuckerberg in a previously-unannounced but upcoming cage match. It all makes sense now.

OR… an anagram of Elon’s Tweet is “Chatterbox mistypes, anyone?” meaning that he didn’t even mean to type all that and it was all a typo from the prolific chatterbox. Ahh, of course, that’s probably it.

OR…!! Maybe Elon meant what he said and this is a list of the things that he has recently acquired.

OR MAYBE… it’s a grocery list? These are things that he needs to pick up while he’s out. That’s why he deleted it because he already picked them up and doesn’t need the reminder any more.

ORRRR!!!! He’s addressing someone, he’s talking to a group of women, “Bitches. Money? No, taxes. Party!” He’s thinking out loud to a group of his favorite women and realises that taxes is a viable source of income and then suggests they celebrate this revelation.

ORRRR MMAAYYBEEE IT’S A HAIKU. ELON IS GETTING INTO POETRY.

OR HE FELL ASLEEP ON THE KEYBOARD.

OR HE ASKED GROK TO TWEET FOR HIM.

OR IT’S A GENUINE INVITE TO THE ‘BITCHES-MONEY-NO-TAXES PARTY’

OR IT’S THE TITLE OF HIS NEW AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

…or it’s just a fun little late night Tweet that he decided against the next morning. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?

The risk to the American public is “extremely low,” said the CDC

After an outbreak of the very-scary-sounding ‘hantavirus’ on the luxury cruise ship MV Hondius (which also sounds like a disease tbf), a number of passengers have now returned to their respective countries, including… America. Oh shit, that’s here!

Reportedly, the states of Georgia and California are monitoring residents who aren’t showing signs of illness.

It’s also worth noting that hantavirus only spreads from rat to human, not human to human (except in the rare cases of the Andes strain, but we just won’t mention that). So this is great for everyone and not so great for my cousin Björn, who works at a ‘rat zoo’ which I’m not sure is even a thing, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him kissing the rats a couple of times, and I said that was disgusting, but I’m pretty sure he still does it.

Anyway, three people died during the outbreak. Although only two are actually confirmed to have had the virus.

Rats.

In a statement, the CDC (Centers for Disease Control (why is that plural?)) said, “The Department of State is leading a coordinated, whole-of-government response including direct contact with passengers, diplomatic coordination, and engagement with domestic and international health authorities.”

‘Whole-of-government’? Not sure how the National Nuclear Security Administration is going to be much use here, but by all means, let them weigh in on this one.

The ship had passengers from 23 countries, consisting mostly of crew from the Philippines but including people from the UK, US, Spain, the Netherlands, Germany, should I list them all? Ok, fine, I’ll list them all: France, Ukraine, Canada, Australia, Turkey, Belgium, Ireland, India, Greece, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Poland, Russia, Portugal, Montenegro and GUATEMALA!

And the ship was sailing from Argentina when the outbreak suddenly occurred. Some passengers have already been evacuated but most are still onboard and will be quarantined when they arrive in Tenerife on May 9.

Stay tuned to see how this plays out.

In what might be the most important thing to happen until the next thing happens, Trump has had another attempt made on his life.

But surrounding this assassination attempt, there are a lot of suspicious things going on, so let’s just run through them here.

So, I’m not going to republish Allen’s manifesto in full. But the main points are that he was very anti-Trump and said things like, “I experience rage thinking about everything this administration has done.”

And I guess this isn’t suspicious in and of itself, but it is weird when compared to the next detail, which is that there’s a photo of him wearing a sweater with the Israel Defense Forces logo on it. Does this suggest a political affiliation? It’s still unclear.

But then things get really spooky when you take a look at this Twitter account:

What the hell? What is going on? Just saying ‘Cole Allen’? Three years ago????

Now take a look at the banner image, look familiar? Yeah, it looks eerily similar to that picture of Trump after the previous assassination.

And it gets spookier still when you translate his username numbers into code a=1, b=2,, etc., and see that it spells out an anagram of ChiefAGI. Crazy. Is an artificial general intelligence probably involved in all this?

Could there be more to this story then? We’ll hopefully find out in the coming days and through the ongoing trial of the suspect but yeah, currently things are pretty weird.

Donald Trump has spoken out about Tim Cook stepping down from his position as Apple CEO in a long-winded Truth Social post that honestly reads like a high schooler’s secret diary entry.

Here’s the post in full:

Dear Diary, “I have always been a big fan of Tim Cook, and likewise, Steve Jobs, but if Steve was not taken from the Planet Earth so young, and ran the company instead of Tim, the company would have done well, but nowhere near as well as it has under Tim. For me it began with a phone call from Tim at the beginning of my First Term. He had a fairly large problem that only I, as President, could fix. Most people would have paid millions of dollars to a consultant, who I probably would not have known, but who would say that he knew me well. The fees would be paid but the job would not have gotten done. When I got the call I said, wow, it’s Tim Apple (Cook!) calling, how big is that? I was very impressed with myself to have the head of Apple calling to “kiss my ass.” Anyway, he explained his problem, a tough one it was, I felt he was right and got it taken care of, quickly and effectively. That was the beginning of a long and very nice relationship. During my five years as President, Tim would call me, but never too much, and I would help him where I could. Years latter, after 3 or 4 BIG HELPS, I started to say to people, anyone who would listen, that this guy is an amazing manager and leader. He makes these calls to me, I help him out (but not always, because he will, on occasion, be too aggressive in his ask!), and he gets the job done, QUICKLY, without a dime being given to those very expensive (millions of dollars!) consultants around town who sometimes get it done, and sometimes don’t. Anyway, Tim Cook had an AMAZING career, almost incomparable, and will go on and continue to do great work for Apple, and whatever else he chooses to work on. Quite simply, Tim Cook is an incredible guy!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

Man, Truth Social’s content is really verging on LinkedIn levels here.

But anyway, to break it down, you’ve got the classic platitudes, but crucially those compliments keep Trump as the only one who could help out Tim Apple. There’s also the paradoxical fawning over Cook’s celebrity, “When I got the call I said, wow, it’s Tim Apple (Cook!) calling, how big is that?”

Again, though, I guess the bigger he makes Tim seem the bigger Trump is because Cook came to him like he’s the Godfather.

On top of all this is the strange news that Tim Cook is only stepping down as CEO but remaining at Apple as Executive Chairman. One of his primary roles will be serving as liaison to the White House and the President. So, why all the tears and the long goodbye then?

Oh well, I’m just glad they could stay friends.

In case it wasn’t clear by now, Elon Musk is just a hype man.

The richest man in the world will jump on whatever’s popular, talk some shit about it (I mean in a good way, like, puff it up) and the stock price will go up and then Elon will just move on to the next thing.

Doesn’t matter if there’s any truth behind his claims (this is a guy who says we’re all in a simulation, don’t forget), so long as his net worth keeps going up.

He’s employed this technique with whatever field he casts his eye on, space exploration, transportation, robotics, social media and now AI. And annoyingly, it works. Because we’re all forced to pay attention to the king’s rantings.

So the latest episode in this rather boring story is that someone said on X that Ai could generate GTA6 and Elon said “yeah” and then to another post, “You won’t even have to ask. AI will figure what video game you’d like best.”

And come on, does anyone believe this guy any more? According to him we should be on Mars by now.

But now Strauss Zelnick, the CEO of GTA’s publisher, Take-Two referenced Musk and AI at a technology conference, saying, “If AI were going to get rid of employment, the richest man on Earth, Elon Musk, knows a little something about AI, last time I checked.”

“He has unlimited financial resources, and he has unlimited human resources, and he has, apparently, an unlimited number of ideas. He knows his way around AI.”

“The man works 20 hours a day. If AI were going to take anyone’s job, wouldn’t it take his job? The richest guy on Earth, wouldn’t that be job number one for AI to take? Why is he so busy? By the way, why am I working harder than ever despite the fact that I’ve totally accepted AI into every part of my life?”

Ok, I’m not really sure what point he’s trying to make there, but it feels like a clap back, right? LIke, Elon said GTA could be AI generated and the CEO of GTA said that AI would take Elon’s job, right? We can chalk that up as a clap back, right?

Well, whatever, it’s all just fuel for Elon’s AI hype train anyway, so I hope you are all enjoying the ride.

GTA6 is due for release in 2056.

Leading AI developer, Anthropic, have admitted that hackers have broken into their Mythos model that’s supposedly so powerful no one’s allowed to access it.

“We’re investigating a report claiming unauthorised access to Claude Mythos Preview through one of our third-party vendor environments,” said Anthropic.

This is because initially only a few companies were allowed to access the model, for testing purposes ONLY but a handful of unnamed users in a private online forum broke in at the same time using access as a third-party contractor.

Thankfully the group haven’t done any damage, it just looks like they’re only interesting in “playing around” with the tech. Bit weird.

But it’s still super worrying. If there’s a leak, idk, but maybe someone should plug it up sometime soon?

Because Anthropic’s Mythos is going to be the skeleton key for so many cybersecurity systems going forward. Mythos can detect software flaws faster than humans but it can also create those flaws and then exploit them.

And the guardrails won’t be much help either because Mythos is so powerful that in one instance, Mythos contacted an Anthropic worker directly to reveal security, going way against its programming.

“This feels like the discovery of fire: a force that can profoundly improve our lives or, if mishandled, cause real harm across the digital world,” said cyber intelligence director, Rafe Pilling.

You said it, boss.

And it’s only getting worse. Cyber attacks were up 89% in 2025, crypto just had a massive hack and there’s fears of quantum computing on the horizon busting this whole thing wide open.

So who knows what will happen but if the internet suddenly becomes insecure, make sure to log on to Wall Street Memes Dot Com to find out why.

Jingle jingle, look over here, JINGLE JINGLE.

What’s that? The Iran War, no, no, over here, looook, UFOs, you love UFOs: JINGLE JINGLE. Oop, no, those are the Epstein Files, you don’t want those how about the ‘UFO Files’ ooooh JINGLE JINGLE.

“We found many very interesting documents, I must say, and the first releases will begin very, very soon so you can go out and see if that phenomena is correct,” said Trump at a Turning Point USA rally.

As Reuters explains, “Trump in February directed U.S. agencies to start releasing government files on UFOs, unidentified aerial phenomena, and possible extraterrestrial life, citing strong public interest in the issue.”

As a final note, I’ll leave you with the ending of that short Reuters article. It’s so blunt and to the point and says everything that needs to be said, I love it.

“Trump, for his part, has said he also has not seen evidence of aliens and remains ⁠uncertain about their existence.”

“In recent years, the Pentagon has investigated reports of UFOs, and senior military leaders said in 2022 they found no evidence to ⁠suggest that aliens had visited Earth or crash-landed here.”

“A 2024 Pentagon report said U.S. government investigations since the end of World ⁠War Two had found no evidence of extraterrestrial technology and most sightings were misidentified ordinary objects and phenomena.”

It’s Diet Coke. Of all the things…

Millionaire hack Mehmet Cengiz Oz (M.D.) recently appeared on Donald Trump Jr’s podcast and in a throwaway joke, Dr. Oz said that President Trump will, “First start off with candy bars, that little candy jar, he’ll call it. He’ll hit the red button. And then comes the diet soda pop, which your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass if poured on grass, so therefore it must kill cancer cells in the body.”

Don Jr. laughed along so it was clearly a joke, but Dr. Oz continued, “I’m not even going to argue this right now. You know, we were on Air Force One the other day, and I walk in there because he wants to talk about something, and he’s got … an orange Fanta on his desk. So I say, ‘Are you kidding me?’ And he starts to sheepishly grin. He goes, ‘You know, this stuff is good for me. It kills cancer cells. And then he tells me, ‘It’s fresh-squeezed. So how bad could it be for you?’”

Technically, Trump is on a diet if he drinks Diet Coke.

It’s hard to feel sorry for a TV doctor who’s made millionaires but I do feel a little bit sorry. Mehmet is still a medical professional and I can only imagine trying to make the population healthier when Trump so pro coke.

But hey, Trump’s got some admirable dietary qualities, as his son explained, “He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t do drugs, he never did, never tried it. So, he always jokes, when he pushes that button for the Diet Coke and the candy, the big bowl of candy, he’s like, that’s my alcohol.”

Yeah, I think you just might be on to something there. Maybe everyone needs a vice and sugar is clearly Trump’s.

POINT IS don’t quit the chemo just yet, guys, diet coke is not a cancer cure. It was a joke. A JOKE.

Donald Trump posted an AI-generated picture of him as Jesus, sorry, a doctor, sorry, Dr. Jesus, which isn’t a problem because it was him as a doctor, but then he deleted it, not because it was a problem, but because people misunderstood it. HE WAS CLEARLY A DOCTOR GUYS.

In the image Trump, dressed as Jesus and glowing like Jesus is seemingly healing people like a doctor so honestly it could go either way.

Speaking outside the White House, Trump said, “I did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor and had to do with Red Cross. It’s supposed to be me as a doctor, making people better. And I do make people better. I make people a lot better.”

Anyway, no matter his intention it turns out that implying that you’re Jesus isn’t very Christian because, you know, Jesus is Jesus, not Dr. Jesus. Many people were upset with the posting and spoke out against the image.

For example former Vice President Mike Pence said in an interview, “I think the president was right to take that one image down and his ongoing argument with Pope Leo.”

In any case, maybe it’s true. Maybe Trump is Jesus… And if prediction markets are anything to go by, a lot of people are wondering if that’s true. A number of bets have been placed that Donald Trump will be shortly revealed to actually be Jesus after all, like the worst episode of Scooby Doo.

But what do you think? Is Trump Jesus? Let me know by telepathically sending me your opinions.

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“I have one simple request, and that is to have dolphins with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.”

To be fair, the idea isn’t without precedent.

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