Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Donald Trump just saved the world. Thank you, Donald Trump. Israel and Gaza and Palestine and Hamas have a ceasefire and have exchanged hostages in the next step towards peace forever in the universe forever.

Thank you, Donald Trump.

During a really long rambling press conference, in which Trump chastised other speakers for how long they spoke and took shots at Obama and Biden, Donald Trump repeatedly referred to Netanyahu by his diminutive, Bibi. But the way Trump says it with his THICK, THICK accent, it really sounded like ‘baby’.

At one point Trump spoke about the Isreali opposition leader saying that he was a good guy and that Netanyahu should concede that.

“Now you can be a little bit nicer, baby because you’re not at war any more baby.”

I guess they’re closer than anyone knew…

“I would say to baby, baby, it’s now time,” Trump continued. “This piece of land is very small. Think of what you’ve done it’s incredible *applause*.” …what?

Trump hailed everyone as saying that Israel is popular again and everyone loves Israel now.

Idk if anyone’s actually losing their minds over Trump saying this though, he’s said a lot of things. Maybe it was something else he said.

When asked by journalists on Air Force One if he would go to heaven because of this, Trump said, “I don’t think there’s anything [that’s] going to get me in heaven. Okay? I think I’m not maybe heaven-bound… I’m not sure I’m going to be able to make heaven, but I’ve made life a lot better for a lot of people.”

So whilst Trump achieves peace in Palestine, Trump has declared war on Chigaco, Portland, Washington and Bad Bunny.

Isreal has offered to suppply their now unused missile to Trump’s “war from within.”

For more on this story, read this one: Israel-Hezbollah Ceasefire Leaves Thousands Confused, ‘Which War Is Over?’

IRONICALLY, for a guy named MUSK, the richest man in the world smells really strongly.

You may have already seen this, as this story dates back to 2018, but apparently, the Tesla CEO has a really strong sense of smell. Like a dog.

Weird flex, but OK.

Yes, according to WIRED, the X-owner has perhaps the shittiest X-Men superpower, and anyone interviewing for the South African future trillionaire can’t wear perfume or cologne because of his sensitive nose.

Reportedly, during one factory inspection, he asked, “What’s that smell?” regarding a vat of chemicals creating a burning plastic smell. He then claimed the smell would kill people and kill him.

Don’t fart around him, I guess.

Maybe he’s like Daredevil, like, you know, when you lose one sense, all your other senses are heightened? So I guess Elon gained his super sense of smell when he lost his sense of humor.

Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t get the answer you wanted from this headline? You actually want to know what Elon Musk smells like?

Alright, you disgusting little gremlin.

Best I can find is this video of actor Kenan Thompson presumably referencing Elon’s SNL appearance, that Musk’s musk is in fact “sweaty. He was always like, huffing and puffing-ish. So like, outside-soiled-ness.”

Cool, great, I regret knowing that now.

Of course, if you want to find out for yourself first hand, there is a company that makes Elon Musk scented air fresheners, so there’s that…

It could be worse, though. Kenan’s comments thankfully dispel the rumor that Elon Musk actually smells like burnt hair.

Why the fuck would that be a rumor, I hear you ask? Well, that’s because a few years ago, Elon’s The Boring Company launched a novelty (I hope) perfume called “Burnt Hair.”

Musk called it “the finest fragrance on Earth,” and it’s currently sold out (somehow) but at the time it sold for $100.

Elon Musk Burnt Hair perfume — Here’s a picture of the bottle… I have no idea what’s going on on the left.

As The Boring Company website describes it, it’s “Just like leaning over a candle at the dinner table, but without all the hard work” and “Stand out in a crowd! Get noticed as you walk through the airport.”

Apparently, it smells more like burnt weed than burnt hair anyway, so that’s a good thing, I guess?

Obviously, it’s just a joke. The kind of joke that only a humorless billionaire can afford to make, along with selling Tesla satin shorts when the company was shorted and bringing a bathroom sink to the Twitter HQ when he bought it. Because, “let that sink in”… eh?

MAKE COMEDY LEGAL AGAIN!!!!

So there you go, I hope this improved your life marginally. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m off for an interview to become the America Party’s Secretary of Smells, caked from head to toe in Burnt Hair and wrapped with Elon’s Musk air fresheners like I’m a Christmas tree.

Wish me luck!

Israel and Hamas have agreed to the first part of the Trump ceasefire plan: the exchange of hostages, leading to global jubilation and mixed reactions from the financial sector. Come on guys, get on the hype, war’s over forever. WAR IS OVER FOREVER!!

OK, it is mostly positive, the S&P 500 and Nasdaq 100 are at record highs, along with gold, and, of course, the shekel and Tel Aviv markets.

But other places are a little more cautious, European stocks are lower, and oil prices have dropped but not much.

There’s still a long way to go, basically. This is just the first part of the agreement; the hostages will hopefully be exchanged in the coming days, hopefully Monday, then after that, talks can continue.

Seems like it might be a while before Trump gets his Nobel Prize.

BUT the Israeli government is due to vote on this like today and if they agree, then a ceasefire should go into place immediately. Very exciting.

Big questions still remain, like who will be in charge of Gaza and will it have a Trump golf course? Israel obviously want to dispose Hamas and but for some reason Hamas are unlikely to agree to that. Trump wants to have some kind of protectorate, which worked super well back in world war one so yeah, let’s just do that again.

Who knows how that’ll all shake down but at least, for the first time in two years, it does genuinely feel like progress.

Congrats to everyone on finally achieving the bare minimum, here’s hoping this will save lives.

For more on this story, read this one: Israel Attacks Sweden in Desperate ‘Bamboozle’ Strategy

I’M SICK OF IT!

Trump this, trump that, I can’t trump it anymore! I won’t trumpet this guy! I’m sick sick sick I tell you and I’m not going to take it anymore!!!

EVERY day I wake up and look at the news and see what I can write about and it’s always TRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMP.

CNN, every day, EVERY STORY is Trump-themed. Bloomberg, that’s business not politics BUT OHHHH NO, THERE HE IS.

Donald J. Trump. Donald Jay Trump. Donald Jefferson Trump. President Donald Trump. The President Donald Trump. Mr. President. Donald Trump. The Don. Trump.

Oh, what’s this? a nice story about a video game company getting sold? Great, that’s irrelevant, nothing to do with anything, there’s no way… NO WAIT THAT’S HIS SON IN LAW BUYING IT.

FUCK!

Trump

He’s involved in everything, every story is somehow connected to him. I get that he’s the most powerful, influential man in the world at the moment BUT THAT SHOULDN’T MEAN HE HAS TO INFLUENCE ME!!!

On TV: Trump. Social media: Trump. Read a book: Trump. When I look in the mirror: Me. But then I turn around: AH! Trump!

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES EVEN IN A FLASH AS I BLINK IT’S HIM HE’S ALL I SEE.

He’s genuinely not a person anymore, he’s become a concept, like an energy field that just surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds everything together.

I went to the doctor recently because I wasn’t sleeping and you know what he diagnosed me with? TDS.

That’s TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME. I didn’t even think that was a real disease!!! It has its own Wikipedia page!!!!!!

He said I should take a lie down and maybe quit my job but I said I couldn’t I have no qualifications and 14 cousins to feed.

So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to just write around him. Any story that’s about him, I just won’t cover. Anything that mentions him tangentially I’ll just ignore, I’ll write him out of it. That’s fine, how hard can that be?

PLEASE I NEED HIM TO LEAVE MY DREAMS.

…

For more on this topic, click here: Donald Trump

Richest man, Elon Musk has denied any connection to the man connected with every rich man and former pedo, Jeffrey Epstein, claiming that he is unable to even spell his name.

Musk tweeted (x’d) out a version of the name in which the i and the e were the wrong way around, ie: ‘ie’ thus proving he had no connection to the guy.

Come on, “i before e except with a p-do”, didn’t you learn that in school?

Musk continued to explain that he never did nothing with that guy saying, “I don’t even like kids.”

The defence comes after documents were released in which Musk was offered an all-expenses-paid trip to kiddy-fiddle island. It’s unclear if he accepted this offer.

Something smells bad here, and I’m wondering if it’s from the guy whose name means smelly.

Musk has temporarily retired his go-to insult of accusing any critic of being a pedophile after previously calling Trump a nonce. Way back in June Elon said that Donald Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.”

But Musk has since rescinded his words, X’ing, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” he has deleted the original Tweet-shit-‘X’, and given a formal explanation for the accusation.

“I mistyped,” explained Musk. “Obviously, I meant to say Ronald Prump is in the Epstein files. He’s a completely different person who has no relation to Donald Trump. It was an honest mistake.”

Reportedly, federal agents tracked down a Mr. Ronald Prump in Wausau, Wisconsin, and coordinated a full-scale SWAT operation on his property. In the raid, officers arrested the individual, seized over 4GB of personal computer data, and accidentally shot his dog.

Mr. Prump is currently detained and awaiting trial.

“It’s not every day that you get to catch a big fish like this,” explained an officer involved in the raid. “But this Prump fella’s the worst of the worst. Big time pedo. We got a tip off that goes all the way to the top, so you know it’s legit.”

Mr. Prump’s lawyer denies all exculpations: “The only Epstein my client knows is his Epstein EcoTank ET-4810 A4 Colour Multifunction Inkjet Printer, C11CK57401.”

For those of you living under a rock where it’s warm and quiet and you don’t have to hear about any of this, the Epstein files (AKA the (se)X-files, AKA the pedo-files) are a collection of documents relating to ex-sex-pest J. Epstein, potentially listing numerous high-profile individuals involved in his crimes.

The release of these files could potentially reveal irrefutably that Donald Trump was in cahoots with Epstein in a way that evidence like photographs, videos, flight logs, and public statements declaring their friendship never could.

For more on this story read this: Trump Sues New York Times $15 Billion For Copyright Infringement Over Epstein Drawing

Late-night talk show host and former sexpest, Jimmothy J. Kimmel has been jailed for killing popular political podcaster and former sexpest, Charles J. Kirk.

Kimmel previously made a comment about the political firestorm surrounding Kirk’s murder, saying that, “The MAGA Gang [are] desperately trying to characterise this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it.”

So, implying that Tyler Robinson (the alleged shooter) is a Trump supporter is pretty misleading and not a great idea, but it’s hardly a reason to cancel the show, which is exactly what happened. Feels like it’s just an excuse to silence another critic of our glorious leader.

Well, anyway, the steps have gone a step further and now Trump’s accusing Kimmel himself of being the real mastermind all along.

According to the legal case, Trump says that Kimmel’s comment, if you rearrange the letters, it constitutes a confession to the murder. Plus Kimmel, that kinda sounds like ‘kill-all’. Think about that.

Kimmel’s now been arrested and is awaiting trial.

Robinson, the actual suspect, has now been released and will be the new host of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

When reached for comment, Trump explained that this was in no way an attempt to silence his opposition, but was just a bit of fun, so stop asking.

Kimmel is now facing the death penalty for murder.

MAKE COMEDY LEGAL AGAIN!

For more comedy news, click here: GOLDEN GLOBES: United States Government Wins ‘Best Comedy Or Musical’

Woke ice cream manufacturer ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ will soon be dropping the iconic ‘Jerry’ part after woke co-founder Jerry Greenfield quit the company over some woke BS.

“It’s woke or broke,” quipped my dad in reaction to the news, and I thought that was pretty funny, so I said I’d write it into the article and give him a shout-out.

The company initially planned to rename the famed ice cream brand just ‘Ben’s’ but that was already taken by ‘Uncle Ben’s’, which rebranded a few years ago to just ‘Ben’s’ because the word ‘uncle’ is racist now.

Ben & Jerry’s? More Like Peanutbutter And Jelly

This all began when jerry and ben sold the ‘Sloppy BJ Cream Corp’ to Unilever in 2000 but insisted that they would be able to stay woke. (BJs have always been woke, they love the gays etc.)

BUT Unilever reneged on this promise in 2021 when B&J refused to sell in Israeli-occupied Palestine, prompting backlash from BJ-cream-hungry Israelis and Unilever said that was one woke too far.

BJ then sued Unilever last year for stopping them from posting pro-Palestine-abortion-climate-change-universal-healthcare-anti-trump online messages and then also Unilever fired a CEO for progressive comments. Allegedly. Please don’t fire me.

Magnum is being spun off from Unilever anyways so BJ asked last week if, whilst they’re spinning anyways they could just spin a little more and spin off a BJ too. But it’s too late BJ, you already sold your soul and you should have foreseen these exact circumstances happening 25 years later.

It’s unclear what Jerry will do next with his newfound free time but will potentially start his own rival ice cream business called, “Not Ben, Just Jerry’s” with no ice cream and just the cookie dough. AKA: a license to print money.

For more food/politics news, read this one: Coca-Cola To Change Recipe Back To Cocaine, Trump Takes Credit

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HaHA! You thought it was all going to be WSM Casino, didn’t you? Well, yeah, you see, this is an objective list, and here we have a rival online casino, in no way affiliated with or owned by the same people as WSM Casino. How’s that for journalistic integrity?

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Oop, how did that get in there? Silly me. Oh well, whilst you’re here, you might as well know that WSM Casino is ideal for casual gamblers seeking a straightforward and enjoyable gaming experience. With over 5,000 games available, including a variety of poker games such as Texas Hold’em and Caribbean Stud, it caters to a wide range of casual players.

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Wow, surprise, surprise! It’s almost like this whole article, this whole website, in fact, is just an extended advert for an online casino. Oh, you thought we were just here to make funny news satire finance article story parodies? You think anyone’s actually paying for that kind of stuff? Oh my poor, poor, innocent fool. It’s all just an ad. That’s all it’s ever been.

Hey, you know what, you’ve sat patiently through this extended ad, why don’t have have a real joke article, on the house: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

Democrats have released a copy of Epstein’s ominous-sounding “birthday book,” which includes a note allegedly from President Donald J. Trump to the late, not-so-great paedophile.

Trump Epstein Note — Not sure what I’m looking at here, but 2 stars for effort.

The note, which the White House had previously denied existed, consists of a typed dialogue between Epstein and Trump and ends with, “Happy Birthday – and may every day be another wonderful secret.”

I wonder what that could possibly mean.

But the most suggestive element is that around the whole note is the drawing of what appears to be either a woman, a mannequin, or a hippo seen from above. Trump previously denied the drawing, saying, “I never wrote a picture in my life.”

Trump joins a long line of presidents who have committed crimes of artistic expression. Including George Bush, who… Ok, wait, I just Googled it to make fun of him, and some of these are pretty good. Never mind, you keep at it, Georgey Boy.

Trump: Art School Dropout

Anyways, there’s only one thing for it, we need to get Trump to recreate the drawing and see if they match. BUT if Trump knows that’s what he’s drawing, he’s going to do it way differently, like OJ and the glove.

So here’s my plan: we offer him free tickets to a life drawing class, which he will accept because those things are expensive. Then, when he gets there, the nude model reveals herself to have the exact body shape as the drawing, and Trump will be so swept up in the joy of the artistic process that he can’t help but draw the same drawing.

Or failing that, we ask him to draw a stick figure, which is a completely different thing so he won’t make the connection. BUT THEN we give him some constructive criticism like, “Oh, that’s so lovely Don, but I was wondering if you could make it a little more voluptuous.” And then maybe he’ll add some boobs maybe, maybe some curves.

Then he gives it back and we say, “A little more, a little more, less limbs please, Don. Lose the head, ok, now imagine you’re inspired to draw this for a sex trafficker. Perfect.”

It’s a FOOLPROOF plan.

I’m looking at you democrats to implement this, and I’ll be waiting here for my reward money or however this works, idk.

For more Trump/drawing/writing news, click here: Trump Accuses Biden Of Being A Pen, “Everything Is Computer”

New employment figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics suggest that boomers across the country can no longer tell younger generations to just cut out avocado and Netflix and ask their neighbor for a job.

As the latest JOLTs report suggests, there are more unemployed Americans than job openings for the first time since April 2021. Experts fear that some common phrases will have to be retired, including ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and ‘back in my day you’d get a job by working hard, not like nowadays, where you can just do a tick-tock.’

The report has investors betting on an interest rate cut, whilst some even fear a recession. Others have suggested, however, that the solution is ‘a bit of elbow grease’ and a willingness to ‘just get your hands dirty’.

“Maybe if these millennial freaks started actually buying houses rather than just master-bating all day, then they’d have a job to go home to,” suggested one boomer who asked to remain anonymous. “You know why there are no job openings? Because there’s more unemployment, not the other way around. I say, bring on the AI.”

Others remain more optimistic, however. “While the labor market is slowing substantially from its peak,” explained RSM economist Tuan Nguyen. “There are few signs of an imminent downturn. In fact, when looking at job openings alongside the unemployment rate and payroll gains, conditions appear close to the long-term, non-inflationary level the Fed has aimed for.”

Oh, ok, never mind then.

Some reasons for the low employment levels include an aging population, Trumpian immigration policies, and the closure of Bob’s Auto Parts Coles, which employed at least five people in my home town of Coles, Georgia and honestly I don’t think it’s coming back so we’re all just going to have to rely on Coles Mechanics which is just isn’t as good, so that’s a factor.

But what do you think? Are you unemployed and looking for a job? Because we’re hiring! Please send your favorite meme and $43 in a sealed envelope to this address: Pen Smith, 14 Mabole Drive, Coles, Georgia and I’ll get back to you right away with a job, I promise.

For more financial advice, read this one: Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

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