Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Merry Christmas! Happy Xmas! Heri za Kwanzaa! And all the above!

What are you doing here? It’s Christmas Day, and you’ve logged into Wall Street Memes Dot Com? Do you really have nothing better to do?

I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no financial news to speak of, and I’ve not really got anything funny to say. Look, see, look, nothing, I’ve got nothing.

I mean, this is the best I can do, take it or leave it: Melania’s Christmas Budget Uncertain Following Trump Spending Freeze

Are you really that bored? What, have you opened all your presents, eaten all your turkey? Argued with your weirdly-forward Uncle? Maybe you could pull a cracker or two? Is there really nothing left for you to do on today of all days?

Ok, if you’ve not dont all that then do something, go home. Call your mom, storm a stranger’s house wailing carols, honestly, literally anything would be better than reading the words in front of you right now.

Wall Street Memes is hardly improving stuff at the best of times, but seriously, today is not the day when you’re going to be gaining from this interaction.

Why am I still here? Oh, well, because I have to be here. I’m paid to be here. I don’t have a family or friends to go to, so I volunteered, I said, yeah, sure, I can take the Christmas shift, I don’t mind, I’ve not got anything better to do…

…hey, I guess that’s you too.

Well, hi. I’m sorry we’ve both got nothing else on today but now I’m not so sorry to see you. I guess, I doesn’t matter if I’m the only one to say it to you today, and even if we are both lonely strangers communicating across the internet, I just want to say…

…Merry Christmas.

The results are in, and it’s jingle all the way!

In a national survey, Christmas has been officially declared America’s most popular day, beating out other popular days such as the Fourth of July, the Fifth of July, and the Eighth of July.

The survey, conducted by fourth-grader Luke Bissal for his school math project, asked seven classmates to rank their favourite vacation of the year, and this year Christmas came out on top.

Prior winners of the coveted ‘most popular vacation’ award were… Christmas and Christmas and…

Well, that’s it, as Luke’s only done the survey twice before. This confirms last year’s data when Luke conducted the same research and reached the same result.

Although the country waits with bated breath for next year’s result, Luke said that he probably won’t conduct the same survey again, as Miss Munroe said he should have thought up a new one this year and they might not even do this project again anyways.

Until then, Christmas lovers across the world are hailing the news as “exuberant” and “the best thing since Christmas.”

A Christmas Miracle For All The Family To Enjoy Today

One festive fiend couldn’t help but comment, “Wowee! It’s a Christmas-time miracle. I’ve always known that Christmas is the best time of year, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by real hard scientific data that you can’t dispute or argue with. I’ll toast my eggnog to that!”

Another annual Christmas-goer, who asked to remain anonymous, added, “It’s Christmas all around the world! Even here in sunny Portugal where the sun always shines and the rain is never near, we think Christmas is the best time of year every year and are so glad to hear that there’s a little lad out there who agrees with me and my best friends, Tiana, Michael, and Chlorine.”

Critics of the results, however, were quick to pour Grinch-flavoured Scrooge juice all over everyone’s fun.

According to so-called scientists, Luke’s survey was far from conclusive as he wasn’t wearing a white coat at the time. Had he been conducting the survey in the official uniform of science (and maybe even been holding a clipboard and pen for extra effect), then the scientific community might have looked at these results with a bit more respect.

Until then, Christmas will have to remain just ‘one of the most popular days for a third year in a row’.

For more on this story, read this: Christmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running

In a ground breaking agreement, world leaders from across the globe have come together to ban all wars, with the exception of the War on Christmas.

“We believe that this is a fair and equitable solution that will allow us to maintain peace and harmony while still preserving our cherished holiday traditions,” said United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres.

The ban on war will go into effect immediately, with the exception of the War on Christmas, which will be allowed to continue indefinitely.

War on Christmas death toll now in the millions

When asked why the War on Christmas was excluded from the ban, Guterres explained that it is a “sacred conflict” that must be fought every year to protect the sanctity of the holiday.

“The War on Christmas is a battle for the soul of our civilization,” said Guterres. “We must never surrender to the forces of secularism and political correctness that seek to destroy our most cherished traditions.”

World leaders also agreed to establish a new international organization, the War on Christmas Council, which will be responsible for overseeing the conflict and ensuring that it is conducted in a fair and orderly manner.

war on christmas meme — Oh, is this too controversial? Can’t handle a little dark humor, huh? It’s woke correctness gone mad!! I SAY LEGALIZE COMEDY!!!

The council will be made up of representatives from all countries that celebrate Christmas, and it will be responsible for setting the rules of engagement, monitoring compliance with the ban on war, and investigating any alleged violations.

The agreement to ban all wars except for the War on Christmas was met with mixed reactions. Some people praised the decision, saying that it would help to promote peace and understanding among nations. Others criticized the decision, saying that it was discriminatory and unfair.

war on christmas tweet — How about this one? Too soon? God, I can’t win with you!!!

Despite the controversy, the ban on war is expected to go into effect as scheduled. And so, the world will once again be at peace, except for people who say ‘happy holidays,’ they can get shot.

You’ve heard of the Air Force, you’ve heard of Space Force well now get ready for TECH FORCE!

TECHFOOOORRRCE!!! *nenenehnehnehnehTHEME TUNE!!*

*explosion!*

Yeeeahh, baby, the US Tech Force is a new program to get you yung-uns into tech. So get this, with NO college degree and ZERO experience, YOU can earn between $150,000 and $200,000 for a two year stint working in a federal agency! Bargain!

(I promise this isn’t an advert… well, it is an advert for WSM Casino, I mean, this isn’t an advert for Tech Force is what I mean…)

So why is the government looking to hire more people when DOGE just fired so many government employees? Well, because DOGE just fired so many government employees. Turns out that those people who pushed the buttons and pressed the levers? Well, yeah, you need those people.

But what you DON’T need is to pay for experienced people, no, you can just hire teenagers off the street for much much less! Yay!

Where’s Big Balls? Let’s get him back in here, he can run the show.

According to Fortune, DOGE, “Orchestrated the departure of about 260,000 government employees through buyouts, early retirements, or terminations. Among those cuts were technology-focused programs including the entire 18F digital consulting group and substantial portions of the U.S. Digital Service.”

But now, tech force aims to hire 1,000 “fellows” to stop that gap. Partnered with AWS, Meta, Microsoft, Apple, Oracle, Palantir and xAI to train these new peeps and then maybe even hire them afterwards this could be a really good scheme for you reading this right now, why are you still here? SIGN UP TODAY!

Back in the day, famed car manufacturer Henry T. Ford spoke out against the creation of a central US bank and was then promptly murdered by JP Morgan on the Titanic.

Jks.

But Ford did have his newspaper, The Dearbord Independent, write that the Federal Reserve System was “a system of private banks [that heradled] a creation of a banking aristocracy.”

Yeah, but he also didn’t like anyone who drove a red car, so what does he know?

God, could you imagine private financial interests running newspapers and such? So glad that doesn’t happen today.

Ford also commented that, “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”

Haha, what a joker. Yes, we’ve come a long way since Ford’s time. The Fed is now a cornerstone of the US economy, along with the gold reserve, and my regular credit card repayments, which I definitely do.

Meanwhile, Henry Ford died penniless and isn’t remembered for anything.

But his legacy lives on! Ford’s sentiment has echoes in current US President Donald J. Trump thinking. Trump has recently spoken out against the Fed and its chair, saying that, “I don’t think it good,” probably, idk, I don’t read the news.

But what do you think? Is the Fed really just a private bank designed to divest money from individuals and businesses and move control into the hands of big government? Or do you disagree?

Let us know in the comments!

‘He’ As In Schiff, Not Trump, Just To Be Clear…

Hey, remember Donald Trump? Well, it turns out that since hosting the Celerity Apprentinces, Donald “Trump” Trump has gone on to become the President Of America. Who knew?

And, but, even though he’s long since hung up his The Apprentice hat, it seems like Old Don is up to his old tricks again but this time he’s targeting ‘stockbroker’ Peter Schiff for the “you’re fired treatment”. Haha.

Yesterday, daily children’s television show about a talking fox and his buddies, Fox And Friends, hosted ‘stockbroker’ Peter Schiff on the podcast for some reason. But here’s the thing: Trump likes the fox but he also likes himself so it’s kind of awkward to have himself-critic on the thing he likes. It’s kind of hard to get your head around, “Thing I like likes thing I don’t like?” *Tim Allen wooouuuuhh?? noise*

“Why would Fox and Friends Weekend (of all things?) put on a ‘Stockbroker’ named Peter Schiff, a Trump hating loser who has already proven to be wrong,” said Trump on Truth Social. (What would a social truth look like? Oh, like the popular kid who just tells it like it is and is actually really mean but calls it honesty, is that what Truth Social is?)

Related story: Donald Trump

“Either the show made a mistake, or it is heading in a different direction. He thinks prices are going up when, in fact, they are coming substantially down. Gasoline hit $1.99 a gallon yesterday, in certain states, and is down BIG since Biden.”

Biden? Jesus Christ, he’s DEAD, move on!

Oh wait, I forgot to mention the ‘crazy’ part I teased in the headline. Bitcoin critic Schiff responded on X, saying, “Since Pres. Trump called me a jerk and a loser for claiming that prices are still rising when he insists they’re coming way down, I challenge him, or his designee, to a debate on the U.S. economy and the efficacy of his policies. If I’m as wrong as he says I am, let him prove it.”

In a separate post, Schiff also said that Donald should change the name of his social media site to “Lie Social.” Hahaha. That’s clever.

So whether Trump will actually take up the ‘stockbroker’ on his debate offer remains to be seen but no, he definitely won’t, what are you talking about? Of course that’s not going to happen.

Facebook’s daddy company, Meta, has just announced a 30% scale back of spending on their flagship VR ‘metaverse’ product and the whole planet let out a collective sigh of relief.

The market’s agreed that giving up on this dream is probably a good idea, gifting the Zuck a 5% stock boost for the company worth about $69 billion dollars in money.

We call that in the biz, “a carrot”.

facebook meta metaverse stock — Here’s a graph. Does this mean anything to you?

Metaverse? I hardly know her

For over half a decade, Facebook has really been trying to “make fetch happen,” but hasn’t released any substantial products, the ones they have shown off are janky af and no one really wants a virtual reality world in the first place except for sex pests and cool sci-fi hackers.

But no, when the Zuck goes, he goes hard, reskinning the company as ‘Meta’ in 2021, signalling its commitment to the pos product that no one wants.

That’s quite a statement there son, would be embarrassing if after committing to the name you then pivoted to AI in 2023, huh?

I mean, that really says it all. Tech companies all have that startup mindset of chasing growth above everything else. The moment you stop, you die. That’s why they all seem to branch out into these bizarre disparate products and it’s why they’ll push whatever new shiny thing they can find if it looks like it’ll get more eyes on them.

In the 2000s it was the internet, in the 2010s it was cloud computing, now it’s AI but for a moment there, the Zuck reeeeallly thought it was going to be VR.

The dog that caught the car

And yes, some of those bets paid off, but those successes are littered with the corpses of companies that lost out chasing the same goal. And on top of that, us poor consumers had to suffer through every fad being stapled to every product then rammed down our throats whether we wanted it or not. (Need I mention NFTs?)

So good riddance to the metaverse, but then, it was always meant to die. Just wait and see, when the next shiny shiny waves itself in front of Mark he’ll ditch AI just as quick. They all will. Because this isn’t about making good products. It’s about growth. It’s about making money above everything else.

And it always has been.

For more on Facebook just nailing exactly what everyone wants, read this: Facebook Announces “Smart Glasses” To Make You Look Smart

What do you mean? The FBI aren’t the kind of people to hide things…

Bloomberg has uncovered that the Federal Bureau of Investigation ($FBI) paid at least $851,344 dollars in money in March this year for 14,278 hours in overtime to the 934 agents redacting Epstein files.

For an extra few dollars, maybe they should have redacted this info too…

Obviously, no one can confirm or deny that the redactions were specifically to remove █████’s name… wait, that was weird. █████. █████! Wtf, why won’t it let me type t-rump’s name…?

Ohhhh…

And of course, there could be other details that the FBI are obliged to remove. Apparently, medical records, names, and other details about the victims can’t legally show up in the files once they’re published or something? I’m not going to check that though. Who do you think I am, Snopes?

Plus, the FBI can’t release anything that might compromise national security, such as the new Putin-seeking-missiles that Epstein was funding, or let’s say maybe someone has some evidence that incriminates the President of the United States of…

Ohhhh…

Of course, █████’s clearly not in the files since he signed the law to release the so-called ‘Epstein Files’. Now, why would a guilty man do that?

█████’s smarter than all this, and he knows what he’s doing. He WANTS the files to be released, and he’s playing all of you.

Yes, for months he’s been publicly saying that the files shouldn’t be released, and yes, he had his attorney general and his head of the FBI claim that these files didn’t even exist, and yes, he called a reporter ‘piggy’ for some reason for even mentioning the files, BUT IT’S ALL A PLAY!

They can detail his close ties to a podophile. They can call him an adulterer. They can claim he had sex with a horse or Bill Clinton (whichever is worse), but it won’t matter.

You see, when the files get released and █████’s name is all over them, the American public will have no choice but to accept that Donald █████ is a real-life sex offender.

Finally, he’ll be able to be his true self. No more hiding, no more lies, it’ll all be out in the open, and there will be nothing anyone will be able to do.

What are you going to do, impeach him? Babe. He’s famous. He’s the most powerful person in the world. You’re going to unspool all that just because he’s a little bit of a sex pest? Because he’s committed a few crimes? Phhff.

We already know all that and he’s still in power, babe.

This changes nothing! NOTHING!

All that changes is that █████ will finally be able to ascend to his final form: a completely bulletproof man, impervious to any and all accusations, entirely unstoppable and ETERNALLY POWERFUL! AHHHH!!!!

So when these files get released and you see █████ start to glow and levitate, now you’ll know why.

Checkmate, atheists.

For more on this story: Trump Decides He’s Not In The Epstein Files, Actually

Wow, what a ride it’s been. Remember those halcyon days back in March when all anyone could talk about was Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (or DOGE for short if you want to be efficient about it and save time rather than having to type it all out and explain what that means exactly, plus it’s a funny reference to a misspelling of the word ‘dog’ which is already a pretty cute animal but then if you infer on top of that that the dog can’t talk properly, well that’s just a recipe for a timeless meme that will never go out of style and/or be cringe)?

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, DOGE has shut down, finally achieving its ultimate goal of enacting government cuts on itself.

Over the weekend, Reuters spoke with the director of Personnel Management, Scott Kupor, who said that DOGE “doesn’t exist,” and is no longer a “centralized entity.” Although I’m not sure it ever was…

My submission for the official logo, sadly this didn’t win out and they went for just a stupid dollar sign that isn’t even the meme or anything smh

The D-O-G-E may be gone, but many of the workers have simply migrated to other agencies. As one USDA source told Wired, “They are in fact burrowed into the agencies like ticks.”

And of course, the spirit can never be killed, like Jesus. As Kupor later tweeted, “principles of DOGE remain alive and well: deregulation; eliminating fraud, waste and abuse; re-shaping the federal workforce; making efficiency a first-class citizen; etc.”

You see that etcetera? That’s efficiency. That’s DOGE.

DOGE-ed a bullet

So what is this so-called dog’s legacy? Well, with its mission to save hundreds of billions of dollars in government waste, Musk’s initiative has ended up costing Washington about $21.7 billion and taxpayers $135 billion. And, due to foreign aid cuts, DOGE has killed over 600,000 people, mostly children.

So yeah, I’d chalk that up to a win.

For more DODGE news, read this one: Farewell! DOGE Cuts Funding For Satirical News Articles

…Or should I say, ‘what’?

And that’s because the betting site, Polymarket, predicts that Time’s Person of the Year will be none other than Artificial Intelligence. What’s next, a WOMAN for president??

There are lots of actual human contenders like Jensen Huang, the Pope, Trump, Sam Altman, Zohran Mamdani, Netanyahu, heck, even I should have more of a shot, I’m a person at least…

ai person of the year cover — She’ll always be my person of the year…

But here’s the thing, not to be cynical or anything, but this is a magazine, and their first goal is to sell magazines. What’s going to turn heads, get people saying, “Oh, would you look at the Time?” and if you’re very very lucky, even buying, than a controversial ‘time of the year’ person?

The think pieces write themselves, ‘Time Of The Year Is A Dirty Clanker’, ‘Time Of The Year Ain’t No Real Person No Way No How, Heck, Even I Should Have More Of A Shot, I’m A Person At Least…’ or how about, ‘You Won’t Believe Who Time’s Person Of The Year Award Is…’ oh no, wait, I wrote that one.

You know what they say, ‘a slow news day is a free advert’, or something, idk, I just made that up.

Person of the Year? More like, ‘WhatevertheFUCKIfeellike of the Year’

Besides, if AI is Time’s pick, it wouldn’t be the first time they haven’t had a human being on the cover. In 1982, Time chose ‘the computer’, and in 2026 and 2024, the cover star was Donald Trump.

But to swing back to cynical again, last year, Time did sign a contract with OpenAI, giving them full access to Time’s back catalogue for training data. So yeah, I’m sure that has no sway at all when it comes to picking person of the year, sorry, ‘physical entity of the year’.

We’ll just have to wait and see who/what they actually pick. Only Time will tell.

For more news on AI being the best thing ever that everyone should love, read this: Scientists Just Unlocked A “Universal” AI Jailbreak And You Won’t Believe How

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Merry Christmas! Happy Xmas! Heri za Kwanzaa! And all the above!

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A Christmas Miracle For All The Family To Enjoy Today

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