Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

I’M SICK OF IT!

Trump this, trump that, I can’t trump it anymore! I won’t trumpet this guy! I’m sick sick sick I tell you and I’m not going to take it anymore!!!

EVERY day I wake up and look at the news and see what I can write about and it’s always TRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMP.

CNN, every day, EVERY STORY is Trump-themed. Bloomberg, that’s business not politics BUT OHHHH NO, THERE HE IS.

Donald J. Trump. Donald Jay Trump. Donald Jefferson Trump. President Donald Trump. The President Donald Trump. Mr. President. Donald Trump. The Don. Trump.

Oh, what’s this? a nice story about a video game company getting sold? Great, that’s irrelevant, nothing to do with anything, there’s no way… NO WAIT THAT’S HIS SON IN LAW BUYING IT.

FUCK!

Trump

He’s involved in everything, every story is somehow connected to him. I get that he’s the most powerful, influential man in the world at the moment BUT THAT SHOULDN’T MEAN HE HAS TO INFLUENCE ME!!!

On TV: Trump. Social media: Trump. Read a book: Trump. When I look in the mirror: Me. But then I turn around: AH! Trump!

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES EVEN IN A FLASH AS I BLINK IT’S HIM HE’S ALL I SEE.

He’s genuinely not a person anymore, he’s become a concept, like an energy field that just surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds everything together.

I went to the doctor recently because I wasn’t sleeping and you know what he diagnosed me with? TDS.

That’s TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME. I didn’t even think that was a real disease!!! It has its own Wikipedia page!!!!!!

He said I should take a lie down and maybe quit my job but I said I couldn’t I have no qualifications and 14 cousins to feed.

So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to just write around him. Any story that’s about him, I just won’t cover. Anything that mentions him tangentially I’ll just ignore, I’ll write him out of it. That’s fine, how hard can that be?

PLEASE I NEED HIM TO LEAVE MY DREAMS.

…

For more on this topic, click here: Donald Trump

Richest man, Elon Musk has denied any connection to the man connected with every rich man and former pedo, Jeffrey Epstein, claiming that he is unable to even spell his name.

Musk tweeted (x’d) out a version of the name in which the i and the e were the wrong way around, ie: ‘ie’ thus proving he had no connection to the guy.

Come on, “i before e except with a p-do”, didn’t you learn that in school?

Musk continued to explain that he never did nothing with that guy saying, “I don’t even like kids.”

The defence comes after documents were released in which Musk was offered an all-expenses-paid trip to kiddy-fiddle island. It’s unclear if he accepted this offer.

Something smells bad here, and I’m wondering if it’s from the guy whose name means smelly.

Musk has temporarily retired his go-to insult of accusing any critic of being a pedophile after previously calling Trump a nonce. Way back in June Elon said that Donald Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.”

But Musk has since rescinded his words, X’ing, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” he has deleted the original Tweet-shit-‘X’, and given a formal explanation for the accusation.

“I mistyped,” explained Musk. “Obviously, I meant to say Ronald Prump is in the Epstein files. He’s a completely different person who has no relation to Donald Trump. It was an honest mistake.”

Reportedly, federal agents tracked down a Mr. Ronald Prump in Wausau, Wisconsin, and coordinated a full-scale SWAT operation on his property. In the raid, officers arrested the individual, seized over 4GB of personal computer data, and accidentally shot his dog.

Mr. Prump is currently detained and awaiting trial.

“It’s not every day that you get to catch a big fish like this,” explained an officer involved in the raid. “But this Prump fella’s the worst of the worst. Big time pedo. We got a tip off that goes all the way to the top, so you know it’s legit.”

Mr. Prump’s lawyer denies all exculpations: “The only Epstein my client knows is his Epstein EcoTank ET-4810 A4 Colour Multifunction Inkjet Printer, C11CK57401.”

For those of you living under a rock where it’s warm and quiet and you don’t have to hear about any of this, the Epstein files (AKA the (se)X-files, AKA the pedo-files) are a collection of documents relating to ex-sex-pest J. Epstein, potentially listing numerous high-profile individuals involved in his crimes.

The release of these files could potentially reveal irrefutably that Donald Trump was in cahoots with Epstein in a way that evidence like photographs, videos, flight logs, and public statements declaring their friendship never could.

For more on this story read this: Trump Sues New York Times $15 Billion For Copyright Infringement Over Epstein Drawing

Late-night talk show host and former sexpest, Jimmothy J. Kimmel has been jailed for killing popular political podcaster and former sexpest, Charles J. Kirk.

Kimmel previously made a comment about the political firestorm surrounding Kirk’s murder, saying that, “The MAGA Gang [are] desperately trying to characterise this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it.”

So, implying that Tyler Robinson (the alleged shooter) is a Trump supporter is pretty misleading and not a great idea, but it’s hardly a reason to cancel the show, which is exactly what happened. Feels like it’s just an excuse to silence another critic of our glorious leader.

Well, anyway, the steps have gone a step further and now Trump’s accusing Kimmel himself of being the real mastermind all along.

According to the legal case, Trump says that Kimmel’s comment, if you rearrange the letters, it constitutes a confession to the murder. Plus Kimmel, that kinda sounds like ‘kill-all’. Think about that.

Kimmel’s now been arrested and is awaiting trial.

Robinson, the actual suspect, has now been released and will be the new host of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

When reached for comment, Trump explained that this was in no way an attempt to silence his opposition, but was just a bit of fun, so stop asking.

Kimmel is now facing the death penalty for murder.

MAKE COMEDY LEGAL AGAIN!

For more comedy news, click here: GOLDEN GLOBES: United States Government Wins ‘Best Comedy Or Musical’

Woke ice cream manufacturer ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ will soon be dropping the iconic ‘Jerry’ part after woke co-founder Jerry Greenfield quit the company over some woke BS.

“It’s woke or broke,” quipped my dad in reaction to the news, and I thought that was pretty funny, so I said I’d write it into the article and give him a shout-out.

The company initially planned to rename the famed ice cream brand just ‘Ben’s’ but that was already taken by ‘Uncle Ben’s’, which rebranded a few years ago to just ‘Ben’s’ because the word ‘uncle’ is racist now.

Ben & Jerry’s? More Like Peanutbutter And Jelly

This all began when jerry and ben sold the ‘Sloppy BJ Cream Corp’ to Unilever in 2000 but insisted that they would be able to stay woke. (BJs have always been woke, they love the gays etc.)

BUT Unilever reneged on this promise in 2021 when B&J refused to sell in Israeli-occupied Palestine, prompting backlash from BJ-cream-hungry Israelis and Unilever said that was one woke too far.

BJ then sued Unilever last year for stopping them from posting pro-Palestine-abortion-climate-change-universal-healthcare-anti-trump online messages and then also Unilever fired a CEO for progressive comments. Allegedly. Please don’t fire me.

Magnum is being spun off from Unilever anyways so BJ asked last week if, whilst they’re spinning anyways they could just spin a little more and spin off a BJ too. But it’s too late BJ, you already sold your soul and you should have foreseen these exact circumstances happening 25 years later.

It’s unclear what Jerry will do next with his newfound free time but will potentially start his own rival ice cream business called, “Not Ben, Just Jerry’s” with no ice cream and just the cookie dough. AKA: a license to print money.

For more food/politics news, read this one: Coca-Cola To Change Recipe Back To Cocaine, Trump Takes Credit

If you’re looking for the best crypto and bitcoin online casinos around, well then you’ve come to the right place. We’ve got here for you a completely unbiased and neutral article objectively listing the best crypto casinos with outside sponsorship from outside anyone, we promise.

No, ignore that banner ad, that’s completely unrelated, just move along.

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Yes, I know it’s got our brand name on it and the same logo, but I promise, it’s a completely unrelated product. It’s just a coincidence and this is a completely objective article. Look, we’ve put it at number 5, so it’s not like we’ve made it number one.

4. Wall Street Memes Casinos

The Wall Street Memes (WSM) Casino is also unrelated, and on top of that, it’s a really good casino! And I’m not just saying that because I’m paid to! I am paid to, but that’s just a happy coincidence! I would do this for free for sure!

Casinos. SEO. Keywords. Ohh, algorithm, please love me, pleeaseee!

3. CoinCasino

HaHA! You thought it was all going to be WSM Casino, didn’t you? Well, yeah, you see, this is an objective list, and here we have a rival online casino, in no way affiliated with or owned by the same people as WSM Casino. How’s that for journalistic integrity?

2. WSM Casino

Oop, how did that get in there? Silly me. Oh well, whilst you’re here, you might as well know that WSM Casino is ideal for casual gamblers seeking a straightforward and enjoyable gaming experience. With over 5,000 games available, including a variety of poker games such as Texas Hold’em and Caribbean Stud, it caters to a wide range of casual players.

The user-friendly interface ensures easy navigation and hassle-free enjoyment of casino poker and casino games. Its website is optimized for mobile use, ensuring a smooth on-the-go experience. The ability to make microtransactions allows casual players to enjoy lower stakes, making it accessible for everyone.

1. And the grand prize for best of the crypto casinos of all time is… WSM Casino!

Wow, surprise, surprise! It’s almost like this whole article, this whole website, in fact, is just an extended advert for an online casino. Oh, you thought we were just here to make funny news satire finance article story parodies? You think anyone’s actually paying for that kind of stuff? Oh my poor, poor, innocent fool. It’s all just an ad. That’s all it’s ever been.

Hey, you know what, you’ve sat patiently through this extended ad, why don’t have have a real joke article, on the house: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

Democrats have released a copy of Epstein’s ominous-sounding “birthday book,” which includes a note allegedly from President Donald J. Trump to the late, not-so-great paedophile.

Trump Epstein Note — Not sure what I’m looking at here, but 2 stars for effort.

The note, which the White House had previously denied existed, consists of a typed dialogue between Epstein and Trump and ends with, “Happy Birthday – and may every day be another wonderful secret.”

I wonder what that could possibly mean.

But the most suggestive element is that around the whole note is the drawing of what appears to be either a woman, a mannequin, or a hippo seen from above. Trump previously denied the drawing, saying, “I never wrote a picture in my life.”

Trump joins a long line of presidents who have committed crimes of artistic expression. Including George Bush, who… Ok, wait, I just Googled it to make fun of him, and some of these are pretty good. Never mind, you keep at it, Georgey Boy.

Trump: Art School Dropout

Anyways, there’s only one thing for it, we need to get Trump to recreate the drawing and see if they match. BUT if Trump knows that’s what he’s drawing, he’s going to do it way differently, like OJ and the glove.

So here’s my plan: we offer him free tickets to a life drawing class, which he will accept because those things are expensive. Then, when he gets there, the nude model reveals herself to have the exact body shape as the drawing, and Trump will be so swept up in the joy of the artistic process that he can’t help but draw the same drawing.

Or failing that, we ask him to draw a stick figure, which is a completely different thing so he won’t make the connection. BUT THEN we give him some constructive criticism like, “Oh, that’s so lovely Don, but I was wondering if you could make it a little more voluptuous.” And then maybe he’ll add some boobs maybe, maybe some curves.

Then he gives it back and we say, “A little more, a little more, less limbs please, Don. Lose the head, ok, now imagine you’re inspired to draw this for a sex trafficker. Perfect.”

It’s a FOOLPROOF plan.

I’m looking at you democrats to implement this, and I’ll be waiting here for my reward money or however this works, idk.

For more Trump/drawing/writing news, click here: Trump Accuses Biden Of Being A Pen, “Everything Is Computer”

New employment figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics suggest that boomers across the country can no longer tell younger generations to just cut out avocado and Netflix and ask their neighbor for a job.

As the latest JOLTs report suggests, there are more unemployed Americans than job openings for the first time since April 2021. Experts fear that some common phrases will have to be retired, including ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and ‘back in my day you’d get a job by working hard, not like nowadays, where you can just do a tick-tock.’

The report has investors betting on an interest rate cut, whilst some even fear a recession. Others have suggested, however, that the solution is ‘a bit of elbow grease’ and a willingness to ‘just get your hands dirty’.

“Maybe if these millennial freaks started actually buying houses rather than just master-bating all day, then they’d have a job to go home to,” suggested one boomer who asked to remain anonymous. “You know why there are no job openings? Because there’s more unemployment, not the other way around. I say, bring on the AI.”

Others remain more optimistic, however. “While the labor market is slowing substantially from its peak,” explained RSM economist Tuan Nguyen. “There are few signs of an imminent downturn. In fact, when looking at job openings alongside the unemployment rate and payroll gains, conditions appear close to the long-term, non-inflationary level the Fed has aimed for.”

Oh, ok, never mind then.

Some reasons for the low employment levels include an aging population, Trumpian immigration policies, and the closure of Bob’s Auto Parts Coles, which employed at least five people in my home town of Coles, Georgia and honestly I don’t think it’s coming back so we’re all just going to have to rely on Coles Mechanics which is just isn’t as good, so that’s a factor.

But what do you think? Are you unemployed and looking for a job? Because we’re hiring! Please send your favorite meme and $43 in a sealed envelope to this address: Pen Smith, 14 Mabole Drive, Coles, Georgia and I’ll get back to you right away with a job, I promise.

For more financial advice, read this one: Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Although Donald Trump is not dead yet, rumors still persist online that the President might in fact be dead because who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?

The whole curfuffle has led many to speculate what the protocol is for dying/dead presidents and ask, who would replace Trump in the event of his passing?

Well, here are our top picks for the role ranked from least likely to most likely.

10. JD Vance

Not a serious option but technically the next in line to the throne. The White House will probably stage a coup than let baby J hold power.

9. Elon Musk

Also very unlikely, but more likely than Vance. If the world wants an erratic, egomaniacal, billionaire at the helm well, Musky man’s got them in spades.

8. Donald Trump Jr.

The laws of primogeniture dictate that the king’s firstborn son shall inherit the throne. And look, this guy’s already 90% Donald Trump just with that little suffix so they wouldn’t have to change the stationary or anything.

7. Kanye West

AKA Jesus. This is a controversial choice, the guy literally said he is a Nazi, but nobody’s perfect, right? The rapper was a frontrunner in the last election and honestly would have probably won if I hadn’t slept in that day. I think he’s a real option.

6. President Joe Biden

Look, he already got the job once, I think he could do it again. And isn’t this how it works like if you lose a president you revert back to your last president and keep going until you run out of presidents until you have to elect the ghost of George Washington?

5. The Ghost of George Washington

They say he still haunts DC to this day and whisper his name upon the wind and he shall appear. Personally I think he’s a real option. Who better to lead America than the man who discovered it?

4. Just Anyone Random

You know, like jury duty. We hold a massive raffle, like an evil lottery and pick just one person to be the king. Maybe it could work, worth a try, right? At least then I’ll be in with a shot.

3. Me

Just throwing my hat into the ring, you know, you’ve got to be in it to win it.

2. Hillary Clinton

Everyone loves her. What’s not to like? Let’s get her in, what’s the worst she can do?

1. Donald Trump

Yeah, let’s be honest, he’s probably the most likely option. Even if he did die, there’s no way we’re finding someone to replace him. Republicans would rather embalm his corpse and turn it into an AI-powered puppet than let MAGA die. God speed to you.

And that’s our list! What to you think? Did we miss anyone? Let us know in the comments! Oh, wait we don’t have a comment section. Err, idk, fax me.

For a full (mental) breakdown of Mr. Trump, please click here: Donald Trump

El Presidente Donaldo Trumpo finally reunited with long-distance lover, Vlad “The Lad” Putin this weekend at an Alaskan military base to discuss the Ukraine ‘problem’.

“It’s just not the same in person,” explained Trump. “It might be small, but it’s not small enough for that little microphone hole, are you kidding me? I don’t know how other people have phone sex.”

Here’s a segment from the weekend’s official agenda:

Hugs.
Kisses.
BIG catchup.
Ice skating?
Churros!
(Oh, and discuss Ukraine if there’s time)

They make such a cute couple.

Trump Putin Alaska Meeting — A leaked document showing timings for the day.

When the pair finally did get around to the blue-yellow elephant in the room, they ended without a deal or an agreement for a ceasefire. Oh well, I guess they ran out of time. (The meeting ended early.)

The main headline is that Trump failed to agree to a ceasefire agreement and TACOed the can down the road by suggesting they shouldn’t bother and jump straight to a peace agreement. This is despite Ukraine and Europe angling for a ceasefire so Putin can prove he can be trusted BEFORE a peace agreement. What use is an agreement if he’ll just break it?

It sounds like Trump failed to get a ceasefire on the table, so is suggesting a peace agreement instead.

Like a tiny dog that barks loudly until the gate is opened, Trump will hurl insults and talk a big game from behind Truth Social but get him in the room with these dictators and he likes to roll out the red carpet (literally) cosy up to them and achieve very little in terms of meaningful negotiations. We saw it with North Korea, we’re seeing it again with Putin.

Trump will meet with Zelensky at the White House today and likely tell him everything he wants to hear. If that meeting goes well, Putin will join the talks and I guess be invited to join a three-way?? Watch this space.

For more on this story, read here: Putin Admits To Using Secret KGB Method Of ‘Crossing Fingers Behind Back’ In Negotiations

Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald J. Trump. Donald Jay Trump. Donald Jefferson Trump. President Donald Trump. The President Donald Trump. Mr. President. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Trump. Donald Trump. Dondon. Donald-Trump-Trump. Donald Trump. Don. The Donfather. Donald Trump. Donald Trump.

Donald Trump.

Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. China. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump.

Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Trump-Trumpity-Trump-Trump.

Donald Trump. Donald Trump. “Mr. President” (the President), 45th President of the United States Of America (USA) (POTUS) and director of the executive branch and the federal government and the commander-in-chief of the United States (US) Armed Forces (army), 47th President of the United States Of America (USA) (POTUS) and director of the executive branch and the federal government and the commander-in-chief of the United States (US) Armed Forces (army) and 48th and final President of the United States Of America (USA) (POTUS) and director of the executive branch and the federal government and the commander-in-chief of the United States (US) Armed Forces (army), official nomination of the Republican Party (the Grand Old Party (GOP)), convicted felon, host of The Apprentice, Home Alone 2 featured extra, receiver of bone spurs, Mother of Dragons, Father of Humans, Hirer of Big Balls, Mr. Master, Ms., Sir, Sire, King, Donald “The Don” J. (John) “Jay” “Jefferson” “Jesus” Trump (nee. Donald John Trump) “Drumpf” “Drumpft” “Trumpf” I (the 1st) AKA TACO (Trump Always Chickens Out), Cheeto Satan, Trumpoleon, The Incontinental Divider, Vladdy’s Boy, Mango Mussolini, Our Fondling Father, Tsar Trumplingrad, The Trump Dump, Sweet Potato Hitler, Don Whoreleone, Founding Farter, Pumpkin Spiced Stalin, Kim Don Un, President Donald McDonald’s, Farty-Seven, The Notorious P.I.G., Dumb Donald, Convicted Crook Donald Trump, Cheeto Benito, Dictator Donald, MAGA, The Lyin’ King, Know-Nothing Donald, Know It All Trump, Don the Con, Fuckboi Von Clownface, Clownface Von Fuckboi, Lawless Donald, Top Trumps, Tangerine Toddler, Corrupt Don, The Tangerine Nightmare, Cheetolini, DumbOld Sr., The Orange Shitler, Fake President, Traitor Trump, Mashing Potato Face, Cheatin’ Donald, President* Trump, Don the Con, Dirty Don, Cadet Bone Spur, Agent Orange, Benedict Donald, TicTac Trump, Lil’ Donny Moscow, The Second Coming of Jesus Christ, Red Don, FAUXTUS, Lyin’ Donald, Crooked Donald, Little-Hands Trump, Mrs. Putin, Dainty Donald, Spanky, Impotus, President Spanky McLiarface, etc…

Trump.

(To the tune of the Major-General’s Song)

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