April, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

In what might be the most important thing to happen until the next thing happens, Trump has had another attempt made on his life.

But surrounding this assassination attempt, there are a lot of suspicious things going on, so let’s just run through them here.

So, I’m not going to republish Allen’s manifesto in full. But the main points are that he was very anti-Trump and said things like, “I experience rage thinking about everything this administration has done.”

And I guess this isn’t suspicious in and of itself, but it is weird when compared to the next detail, which is that there’s a photo of him wearing a jumper with the Israel Defence Force logo on it. Does this suggest a political affiliation? It’s still unclear.

But then things get really spooky when you take a look at this Twitter account:

What the hell? What is going on? Just saying ‘Cole Allen’? Three years ago????

Now take a look at the banner image, look familiar? Yeah, it looks eerily similar to that picture of Trump after the previous assassination.

And it gets spookier still when you translate his username numbers into code a=1, b=2,, etc., and see that it spells out an anagram of ChiefAGI. Crazy. Is an artificial general intelligence probably involved in all this?

Could there be more to this story then? We’ll hopefully find out in the coming days and through the ongoing trial of the suspect but yeah, currently things are pretty weird.

Ngl, I just learned what a capex is…

Tesla’s stock just fell a massive 2.4% as Elon Musk pours more money into spending on AI, robots and chips to snack on when he gets peckish, although shares were back up 4% after the bell so what we even talking about here?

As Elon explained, “We are going to be substantially increasing our investment in the future. You should expect to see very significant increase in capital expenditures that are I think well justified for a substantially increased future revenue stream. Tesla is not alone in this.”

Because that’s the thing, every tech company is building out there data centers right now and the Tesla investors (tesltors if you will) banked on Musk. They voted for him to take the company in the direction of more AI and more robotics. What did they think that wouldn’t cost a bit of money?

And when I say a bit more I do mean more than double but shush shhhh.

So yeah, Elon is all in AI and robots if that wasn’t perfectly clear now.

Where does that leave the EV manufacturing portion of the company? Well, who knows and honestly who cares.

Maybe they’ll combine products and Elon can finally achieve the dream of creating a Cybertruck that’s also actually a Transformer.

From $29.99 to $22.99 a month

Xbox has also dropped exclusive access to the latest Call of Duty from Game Pass so I guess one CoD is worth $7 a month then?

The move makes Game Pass one of the few subscriptions that’s actually gone down recently especially after the price was hiked 50% just six months ago.

Now the Game Pass is worth only 35% more than it was two years ago. …hardly a bargain.

And crucially it’ll no longer have the CoD exclusive release meaning that the people who really lose out are gamers who got the pass for just a couple of months solely to get the latest CoD at a discounted price.

Everyone else though will no longer have to subsidise Black Ops 49 or whatever we’re up to by now.

Xbox? More like ex-box, am I right?

This comes a difficult time for Xbox as many are saying that they’re shit now, oh, wait, people have always been saying that? Oh, sorry, I guess that’s not news then…

For everything Xbox, keep it locked at WSM.

Idk, probably because he already bought it?

So yeah, it seems crazy that a man as wealthy and powerful as Jeffrey H. Bezos hasn’t had a pay rise since 1998 and doesn’t even take bonuses. But it’s all just shuffling money around isn’t it?

Sure, he takes a nominal salary and can claim to be the better man for it but Amazon pays about $1.6 million in security and travel on Bezos but the CRUCIALLY Jeff is sitting on 8% of Amazon stock worth hundreds of billions.

Yeah, it’s actually quite straightforward, really. I mean, this guy is the third richest person in the world, worth $250 billion, did you really think he was relying on that Christmas Bonus to make ends meet?

Jeff bezos earnings — He doesn’t need it guys, he really, really doesn’t need it.

Yeah, the Bezos family mansion complex will be fine

As the SEC filing explains, “Mr. Bezos requested not to receive additional compensation and has never received annual cash compensation in excess of his current amount. Due to Mr. Bezos’s substantial stock ownership, he believes he is appropriately incentivized and his interests are appropriately aligned with shareholders’ interests.”

Not going to lie, that’s fair play.

Jeff gets compensated when the company’s doing well. He personally invested in the company succeeding. He doesn’t need an insanely high default amount of money that he can rely on even if he lets Amazon go down the tube.

I’m looking at you, Zaslov…

As revealed in a recent quarterly report, Tesla secretly invested $2 billion dollars in money into their sister company SpaceX and now it’s got everyone talking about the possibility of a merger.

The suggestion comes ahead of SpaceX’s upcoming potential $2 trillion IPO in June and bolting a Tesla to that rocket might just help the EV maker’s slumping finances.

Tesla has already pivoted away from its core product of EVs into robots for some reason so maybe just one pivot into rockets isn’t that big a stretch?

Other than sharing the same business daddy, however, there’s not much similarity between the auto-manufacturer and the rocket manufacturer. But that was the only connection between SpaceX and xAI and that merger still went ahead.

It’s just easier, isn’t it? He’ll only need one email address, only need to take half the meetings and can finally just refer to everything as ‘X’.

Which brings us to the most important question. What is this company going to be called?

Well there’s a few options, let’s rank them below in order of which ones I think are the most likely to happen:

5. Tespacexaila

You get all the names in there but it doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it?

4. Tesla x SpaceX

Boring corporate merger name. Leads with your inferior product. No thanks.

3. Just SpaceX

It’s what they did with xAI. Maybe it’ll help. Tesla’s on the downward slide so just do away with it.

2. X

Smart, sleek, impossible to google and infinitely confusing. It didn’t work with Twitter so it probably won’t work here but it seems to be Elon’s ultimate goal so I bet that’s what’ll happen.

1. The New World Order

Let’s be honest, that’s what the whole scheme is about right? Consolidate company after company, power after power until at last you have a New World Order carved in your own image. Today, electric vehicles, tomorrow, the world!

Donald Trump has spoken out about Tim Cook stepping down from his position as Apple CEO in a long-winded Truth Social post that honestly reads like a high schooler’s secret diary entry.

Here’s the post in full:

Dear Diary, “I have always been a big fan of Tim Cook, and likewise, Steve Jobs, but if Steve was not taken from the Planet Earth so young, and ran the company instead of Tim, the company would have done well, but nowhere near as well as it has under Tim. For me it began with a phone call from Tim at the beginning of my First Term. He had a fairly large problem that only I, as President, could fix. Most people would have paid millions of dollars to a consultant, who I probably would not have known, but who would say that he knew me well. The fees would be paid but the job would not have gotten done. When I got the call I said, wow, it’s Tim Apple (Cook!) calling, how big is that? I was very impressed with myself to have the head of Apple calling to “kiss my ass.” Anyway, he explained his problem, a tough one it was, I felt he was right and got it taken care of, quickly and effectively. That was the beginning of a long and very nice relationship. During my five years as President, Tim would call me, but never too much, and I would help him where I could. Years latter, after 3 or 4 BIG HELPS, I started to say to people, anyone who would listen, that this guy is an amazing manager and leader. He makes these calls to me, I help him out (but not always, because he will, on occasion, be too aggressive in his ask!), and he gets the job done, QUICKLY, without a dime being given to those very expensive (millions of dollars!) consultants around town who sometimes get it done, and sometimes don’t. Anyway, Tim Cook had an AMAZING career, almost incomparable, and will go on and continue to do great work for Apple, and whatever else he chooses to work on. Quite simply, Tim Cook is an incredible guy!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

Man, Truth Social’s content is really verging on LinkedIn levels here.

But anyway, to break it down, you’ve got the classic platitudes, but crucially those compliments keep Trump as the only one who could help out Tim Apple. There’s also the paradoxical fawning over Cook’s celebrity, “When I got the call I said, wow, it’s Tim Apple (Cook!) calling, how big is that?”

Again, though, I guess the bigger he makes Tim seem the bigger Trump is because Cook came to him like he’s the Godfather.

On top of all this is the strange news that Tim Cook is only stepping down as CEO but remaining at Apple as Executive Chairman. One of his primary roles will be serving as liaison to the White House and the President. So, why all the tears and the long goodbye then?

Oh well, I’m just glad they could stay friends.

In case it wasn’t clear by now, Elon Musk is just a hype man.

The richest man in the world will jump on whatever’s popular, talk some shit about it (I mean in a good way, like, puff it up) and the stock price will go up and then Elon will just move on to the next thing.

Doesn’t matter if there’s any truth behind his claims (this is a guy who says we’re all in a simulation, don’t forget), so long as his net worth keeps going up.

He’s employed this technique with whatever field he casts his eye on, space exploration, transportation, robotics, social media and now AI. And annoyingly, it works. Because we’re all forced to pay attention to the king’s rantings.

So the latest episode in this rather boring story is that someone said on X that Ai could generate GTA6 and Elon said “yeah” and then to another post, “You won’t even have to ask. AI will figure what video game you’d like best.”

And come on, does anyone believe this guy any more? According to him we should be on Mars by now.

But now Strauss Zelnick, the CEO of GTA’s publisher, Take-Two referenced Musk and AI at a technology conference, saying, “If AI were going to get rid of employment, the richest man on Earth, Elon Musk, knows a little something about AI, last time I checked.”

“He has unlimited financial resources, and he has unlimited human resources, and he has, apparently, an unlimited number of ideas. He knows his way around AI.”

“The man works 20 hours a day. If AI were going to take anyone’s job, wouldn’t it take his job? The richest guy on Earth, wouldn’t that be job number one for AI to take? Why is he so busy? By the way, why am I working harder than ever despite the fact that I’ve totally accepted AI into every part of my life?”

Ok, I’m not really sure what point he’s trying to make there, but it feels like a clap back, right? LIke, Elon said GTA could be AI generated and the CEO of GTA said that AI would take Elon’s job, right? We can chalk that up as a clap back, right?

Well, whatever, it’s all just fuel for Elon’s AI hype train anyway, so I hope you are all enjoying the ride.

GTA6 is due for release in 2056.

Leading AI developer, Anthropic, have admitted that hackers have broken into their Mythos model that’s supposedly so powerful no one’s allowed to access it.

“We’re investigating a report claiming unauthorised access to Claude Mythos Preview through one of our third-party vendor environments,” said Anthropic.

This is because initially only a few companies were allowed to access the model, for testing purposes ONLY but a handful of unnamed users in a private online forum broke in at the same time using access as a third-party contractor.

Thankfully the group haven’t done any damage, it just looks like they’re only interesting in “playing around” with the tech. Bit weird.

But it’s still super worrying. If there’s a leak, idk, but maybe someone should plug it up sometime soon?

Because Anthropic’s Mythos is going to be the skeleton key for so many cybersecurity systems going forward. Mythos can detect software flaws faster than humans but it can also create those flaws and then exploit them.

And the guardrails won’t be much help either because Mythos is so powerful that in one instance, Mythos contacted an Anthropic worker directly to reveal security, going way against its programming.

“This feels like the discovery of fire: a force that can profoundly improve our lives or, if mishandled, cause real harm across the digital world,” said cyber intelligence director, Rafe Pilling.

You said it, boss.

And it’s only getting worse. Cyber attacks were up 89% in 2025, crypto just had a massive hack and there’s fears of quantum computing on the horizon busting this whole thing wide open.

So who knows what will happen but if the internet suddenly becomes insecure, make sure to log on to Wall Street Memes Dot Com to find out why.

Shares in Amazon just jumped up a massive 3% after they announced plans to increase their total investment in Anthropic to $25 billion.

Currently it’s only (‘only’, lol) $5 billion but if certain conditions are met that’ll get bumped up by $20 billion… as you do.

The news comes as part of Anthropic’s commitment to spend a $100 billion on chips and up to 5 gigawatts of computing power from Amazon AND IN NO WAY SIGNIFYS A BUBBLE.

On the other side of the ropes (?), Anthropic’s main rival, OpenAI has cozied up to Microsoft and Google for their money/power needs.

In February this year, OpenAI and Anthropic raised more that $150 billion dollars in money, the largest private investment period in the history of tech.

There’s more to this story, probably but that’s the gist of it and it’s kind of boring, right? Like, it’s a bit dry. Numbers, numbers, numbers, business, business, business. BORING.

Wanna see something really cool? Look at this:

*does really cool backflip*

Yeah, pretteee sweet. Took me a long time to learn that. Do you want me to show you how to do it? It’s real simple, all you have to is throw your head back violently, throw your hands up and then just drop to the floor. Go on, give it a try.

*you do a really shit backflip and it’s really embarrassing and everyone laughs at you*

OH! Oh shit, oh my god, I’m sorry, are you ok? That wasn’t a backflip, you literally just jumped backwards onto your neck. Oh my god, are you dead?

Oh shit. I think you might be dead.

Damn, you’ll never get to see if Anthropic reaches its commercial milestones and secures an extra $20 billion in funding from Amazon over time! Bummer.

…get a job at the White House.

The Big Guy Upstairs: Donald Trump has just been accused of insider trading by the BBC and everyone just let out a collective, “Ya, you think?”

Just to make the point clear we’ve already covered this here:

One Gambler Made $436,000 On Maduro Capture And It’s Looking Like They Knew Something We Didn’t

And here:

This Billion Dollar Bet On Oil Prices Falling Was Placed Just Hours Before Trump’s Ceasefire

And there are numerous other examples of trading spiking just before a big government announcement and every time it looks super shady.

The BBC has collated the top five examples in this handy article but just to run you through it here we’ve got:

March 9 when oil futures spiked just 45 minutes before Trump said that the conflict was “very complete, pretty much.”

March 23 when oil trades jumped minutes before Trump posted about peace talks.

April 9 last year when traders bet on the stock market going up just 18 minutes before Trump paused tariffs and lo and below, the stock market went up.

And then there’s the Maduro capture (we mentioned that) and the February 28 Iran strikes.

I’M JUST SAYING IT’S SUSPICIOUS GUYS.

I mean this is literally illegal but no one has been prosecuted since it was made illegal for lawmakers in 2012. It’s very likely nothing will happen here again.

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