April, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

In the largest DeFi exploit of the year (so far), hackers drained nearly $300 million from the staking platform Kelp DAO.

Simply put, the hackers tricked LayerZero’s bridge designed for blockchains to communicate with each other into believing it had received a valid instruction from another network and to release 116,500 rsETH (restaked Ether and 18% of supply) worth around $293 million.

Fine, that’s just Kelp that was hit, right?

Well, no.

The problem is that rsETH is such a popular staking token, so interwoven with the Ether market and the DeFi market as a whole that the broader ramifications are massive.

For example, Aave, the largest DeFi lending platform froze all rsETH markets to retain the damage, Lido paused deposits and reportedly rsETH was “just three minutes away from losing an additional $100 million,” Meir Dolev, the Cyvers Chief Technology Officer.

But we’re also seeing withdrawals in Solana and other cryptids, sorry, cryptos (can never get the verb ending right). Morpho, Sky and JupLend are all down.

Also there’s whatever this means: “The KelpDAO exploit (~$290M, is NOT a LayerZero protocol bug. It’s a configuration issue and a case study every project with a cross-chain token needs to look at today,” one technical breakdown by cryptogoblin (?) read.

So what, everything’s at risk, or what?

Well, despite what I implied in my title, that’s hopefully the end of this specific exploit, but it’s more the knockon effect. Combined with the massive $285 million Drift attack in April, morale in crypto is at an all time low, with some even saying this is the end of DeFi although.

Who knows the ramifications of this particular hit, but right now, I’m sorry, things aren’t looking so great in the world of crypto, bro.

Jingle jingle, look over here, JINGLE JINGLE.

What’s that? The Iran War, no, no, over here, looook, UFOs, you love UFOs: JINGLE JINGLE. Oop, no, those are the Epstein Files, you don’t want those how about the ‘UFO Files’ ooooh JINGLE JINGLE.

“We found many very interesting documents, I must say, and the first releases will begin very, very soon so you can go out and see if that phenomena is correct,” said Trump at a Turning Point USA rally.

As Reuters explains, “Trump in February directed U.S. agencies to start releasing government files on UFOs, unidentified aerial phenomena, and possible extraterrestrial life, citing strong public interest in the issue.”

As a final note, I’ll leave you with the ending of that short Reuters article. It’s so blunt and to the point and says everything that needs to be said, I love it.

“Trump, for his part, has said he also has not seen evidence of aliens and remains ⁠uncertain about their existence.”

“In recent years, the Pentagon has investigated reports of UFOs, and senior military leaders said in 2022 they found no evidence to ⁠suggest that aliens had visited Earth or crash-landed here.”

“A 2024 Pentagon report said U.S. government investigations since the end of World ⁠War Two had found no evidence of extraterrestrial technology and most sightings were misidentified ordinary objects and phenomena.”

Everyone Is Now a Hedge Fund

In a bold move that analysts are calling “either historic democratization or the final boss of financial Darwinism,” the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has officially scrapped the infamous Pattern Day Trader rule, instantly upgrading millions of retail investors from “financially protected citizens” to “unsupervised volatility enthusiasts.”

The rule, originally introduced after the dot-com crash to stop people from turning $3,000 into $0.17 before lunch, had required traders to maintain $25,000 in their accounts if they wanted to day trade freely.

Now? That barrier is gone.

Your £412 account is spiritually equivalent to a hedge fund.

Robinhood Users Immediately Achieve Enlightenment (and Margin Calls)

Within minutes of the announcement, shares of retail brokerages like Robinhood and Webull surged, as investors celebrated the long-awaited right to lose money faster than ever before.

“I used to only be allowed three bad decisions per week,” said one trader while aggressively refreshing his app. “Now I can make unlimited bad decisions. This is what freedom feels like.”

SEC Replaces Rule With “Vibes-Based Risk Management”

Under the new framework, the old restrictions are replaced with “real-time risk-based margin requirements,” which experts say is just a more sophisticated way of saying:

“You can absolutely blow up your account, just do it responsibly.”

Officials clarified that instead of blocking traders outright, brokers will now monitor risk continuously, ensuring that users can experience losses in real time, rather than waiting for the system to catch up like it’s still 2001.

Critics Warn of “YOLO Inflation”

Some analysts worry the move could unleash a new era of hyperactive trading behavior, also known in academic literature as “pressing buttons very fast because line went up.”

Regulators acknowledged the concern but noted that retail traders were already doing this just slightly slower.

According to reports, the rule change could lead to a surge in “YOLO trades,” where investors deploy their entire net worth into options based on a tweet, a gut feeling, or a TikTok featuring a guy named “StonksWizard420.”

Wall Street Reacts: “Oh No… Anyway”

Institutional investors responded calmly, confirming they were “not worried at all” about competing with millions of newly empowered retail traders armed with:

4x intraday margin
Zero sleep
And a deeply personal belief that this time it’s different

Retail Traders Celebrate New Career Path: “Full-Time Intraday Philosopher”

Meanwhile, across the internet, traders are already adapting to the new regime.

“I’ve quit my job,” said one user. “I now trade full-time and study ancient stoic philosophy to cope with the consequences.”

Others are embracing the change more pragmatically.

“Before, I needed $25,000 to ruin my life,” another trader explained. “Now I can do it with $800. This is efficiency.”

SEC Final Statement: “Good Luck Everyone”

In a closing statement, the SEC emphasized that the goal of the rule change is to “level the playing field” and increase market access for everyday investors.

They then quietly added:

“We assume you know what you’re doing.”

Markets immediately priced in that you do not.

Disclaimer: This is satire. Your portfolio, however, is not.

This story is genuinely insane.

SO let me set the scene:

Changham Kim (AKA Kim Chang-han) is the CEO of a South Korean video game publisher called Krafton. Krafton has put out numerous titles, but their flagship game is PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (PUBG). Back in 2021, Krafton bought Unknown Worlds Entertainment, the developer behind the insanely successful Subnautica, for $500 million.

Last year the team were ramping up development on the hotly anticipated Subnautica 2 when internal projections predicted the game would hit the needed targets to trigger a massive $250 million earnout for the dev team (as agreed when they first bought the company).

Kim freaked out and turned to his lawyers, seeking to get out of the deal. His lawyers responded saying there was nothing he could do and in fact trying to back out or firing the devs would obviously look bad and might even be illegal.

But Kim ignored them and turned to everyone’s favorite sycophant: ChatGPT.

OpenAI’s LLM pushed back at first but when pressed, suggested Kim form “an internal taskforce, dubbed Project X.”

Following ChatGPT’s advice, Kim locked out the devs from their own Steam page in an effort to delay the game’s release.

Then Kim went full ham and just straight up fired the dev team without cause.

Obviously this triggered a lawsuit in which all of Kim’s ChatGPT logs came out and a Delaware court ruled that the dev team be reinstated and Krafton still has to pay the $250 million earnout.

Oops.

So if there’s a moral to this story it’s maaaayybe don’t lean on ChatGPT for legal advice, especially with a quarter of a trillion and a lawsuit on the line.

It’s unclear though if Changham has learned his lesson as, of the time of writing, it seems that Kim is somehow still the CEO of Krafton… and Subnautica 2 is still delayed.

ChatGPT could not be reached for comment.

A THOUSAND Disney employees have just been fired as the new CEO seeks to streamline operations, particularly in Marvel (comics and studios) as production output has been reduced significantly.

Here’s the full report from Variety:

Disney is making layoffs this week to “streamline our operations” in various parts of the company, CEO Josh D’Amaro said in a memo to employees Tuesday.

The media company is eliminating about 1,000 roles, primarily as a result of Disney’s formation of a consolidated enterprise marketing division under the leadership of Asad Ayaz, chief marketing and brand officer, a source familiar with the situation said. The cuts will span marketing functions across Disney’s studios, TV networks, ESPN, product and technology, and corporate groups, the source added.

D’Amaro, in his note to employees, said the unified enterprise marketing and brand organization is “designed to serve consumers in an even more connected way.”

“Over the past several months, we have looked at ways in which we can streamline our operations in various parts of the company to ensure we deliver the world-class creativity and innovation our fans value and expect from Disney,” he wrote in the memo. “Given the fast-moving pace of our industries, this requires us to constantly assess how to foster a more agile and technologically-enabled workforce to meet tomorrow’s needs. As a result, we will be eliminating roles in some parts of the company and have begun notifying impacted employees.”

“I know this is hard,” D’Amaro wrote. “These decisions are not a reflection of their contributions, or of the overall strength of the company. Rather, they reflect our continual evaluation of how to more effectively manage our resources and reinvest in our businesses.”

Disney reported having about 231,000 full- and part-time employees as of September 2025 (the end of its fiscal year).

It’s the first big restructuring action under D’Amaro, who took over as Disney’s CEO on March 18 from Bob Iger. D’Amaro was previously the chairman of Disney Experiences.

Read D’Amaro’s memo about the job cuts:

Dear Fellow Employees & Cast Members,

We have experienced a great deal of change these last few years, both at the company and across our industries. Knowing firsthand how these moments can bring uncertainty, I want to be open about some difficult news that will be communicated this week.

In January, we announced our unified enterprise marketing and brand organization, designed to serve consumers in an even more connected way. Over the past several months, we have looked at ways in which we can streamline our operations in various parts of the company to ensure we deliver the world-class creativity and innovation our fans value and expect from Disney. Given the fast-moving pace of our industries, this requires us to constantly assess how to foster a more agile and technologically-enabled workforce to meet tomorrow’s needs. As a result, we will be eliminating roles in some parts of the company and have begun notifying impacted employees.

I know this is hard. Those that will be leaving us have done meaningful work here and care deeply about this company. These decisions are not a reflection of their contributions, or of the overall strength of the company. Rather, they reflect our continual evaluation of how to more effectively manage our resources and reinvest in our businesses.

Compassion and respect remain at the heart of our company. As we move forward through this transition, our priority is to support those impacted and help each person navigate what comes next with resources, guidance, and direct support.

Despite these difficult decisions, I remain optimistic about where we’re headed as a company. I’m deeply grateful for all of your contributions and for the dedication, professionalism, and care you bring to your work each day. Even in challenging moments, you continue to demonstrate what makes Disney so special.

Josh

Surprise, surprise: it’s inflation.

Inflation means everything is more expensive, specifically rent is up nearly 50% from last year and clothing costs are up more that 25%. Those two factors alone are massive reasons why raising a child is so expensive now.

But it’s not the biggest cost in growing a human being

Childcare is by far the largest expense for families with kids under 5, which makes sense I guess, but then why is looking after children really expensive for some people but other people get paid to do it?

All of these stats come from a recent study from LendingTree (whatever the f that is) which broke down all the average costs state by state. Click on this article where I’m getting all this information from. It’s pretty cool, they’ve got an interactive map and you can see in which state it costs the most to raise a kid to 18.

Turns out Hawaii is the most expensive and New Hampshire is the cheapest. Who knew?

But on average the cost of raising a child to 18 is $303,418, up 1.9% from last year. (Sorry, should have been clear, that 27.8% in the title is compared to 2023, bit misleading there…)

As Matt Schulz, chief consumer finance analyst at LendingTree and co-author of the study, explains, “Inflation is just taking a toll, clearly, on people, and it’s certainly one of the reasons why we saw such significant growth here.”

“A few states and even areas within various states are what are called ‘childcare deserts,” where there’s just not nearly enough supply of daycare and child care centers to keep up with the demand for it,” Schulz explained. “So what happens is that the ones that are there—and especially the really good ones that are there—can charge basically whatever they want to charge, and it ends up driving up the rates quite a bit.”

“It’s a real challenge for people who really need the help,” Schulz said. “As much as we wish that people had a relative or a trusted friend that they could lean on for that sort of thing, a lot of people just don’t have that choice, so they have no other choice but to pay whatever they need to for daycare.”

“It just turns a really challenging situation into an almost unmanageable one for people, and that’s why we see so many people factoring in finances when it comes to deciding whether to start a family or how many kids they might have.”

“As much as we wish that we didn’t have to to think about the cost of being a parent, you’re doing yourself and your family a bit of a disservice if you don’t, because there are very, very few among us who, for for whom the cost of raising a child is not significant,” Schulz said.

It’s Diet Coke. Of all the things…

Millionaire hack Mehmet Cengiz Oz (M.D.) recently appeared on Donald Trump Jr’s podcast and in a throwaway joke, Dr. Oz said that President Trump will, “First start off with candy bars, that little candy jar, he’ll call it. He’ll hit the red button. And then comes the diet soda pop, which your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass if poured on grass, so therefore it must kill cancer cells in the body.”

Don Jr. laughed along so it was clearly a joke, but Dr. Oz continued, “I’m not even going to argue this right now. You know, we were on Air Force One the other day, and I walk in there because he wants to talk about something, and he’s got … an orange Fanta on his desk. So I say, ‘Are you kidding me?’ And he starts to sheepishly grin. He goes, ‘You know, this stuff is good for me. It kills cancer cells. And then he tells me, ‘It’s fresh-squeezed. So how bad could it be for you?’”

Technically, Trump is on a diet if he drinks Diet Coke.

It’s hard to feel sorry for a TV doctor who’s made millionaires but I do feel a little bit sorry. Mehmet is still a medical professional and I can only imagine trying to make the population healthier when Trump so pro coke.

But hey, Trump’s got some admirable dietary qualities, as his son explained, “He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t do drugs, he never did, never tried it. So, he always jokes, when he pushes that button for the Diet Coke and the candy, the big bowl of candy, he’s like, that’s my alcohol.”

Yeah, I think you just might be on to something there. Maybe everyone needs a vice and sugar is clearly Trump’s.

POINT IS don’t quit the chemo just yet, guys, diet coke is not a cancer cure. It was a joke. A JOKE.

Look, this is good news really, I know philosophers are often seen as useless, but when big tech has dived in headfirst into maybe the most complex moral and existential waters humanity has ever faced, it seems insane in hindsight that they didn’t think to hire a lifeguard.

But then on the other hand to some extent it’s more AI hype, like, AI is not conscious, it’s not intelligent and hiring a philosopher could just be a marketing strategy to signal to investors that yeah, we’re on the brink of human-level intelligence here.

But hopefully this is an exception, because if anyone needs a philosopher on board it might be the morally suggestible ChatGPT.

The philosopher in question is Henry Shevlin, former associate director at the University of Cambridge’s Leverhulme Centre for the Future of Intelligence.

Writing on LinkedIn Shevlin said, “It’s a rare privilege to work on questions I’ve spent my career thinking about, now with the resources and urgency that come with being inside one of the world’s leading AI labs.”

So, why is this terrifying? Well, I guess the placement implies AI is super sophisticated and needs reigning in by a philosopher. But that could all just be hype.

Donald Trump posted an AI-generated picture of him as Jesus, sorry, a doctor, sorry, Dr. Jesus, which isn’t a problem because it was him as a doctor, but then he deleted it, not because it was a problem, but because people misunderstood it. HE WAS CLEARLY A DOCTOR GUYS.

In the image Trump, dressed as Jesus and glowing like Jesus is seemingly healing people like a doctor so honestly it could go either way.

Speaking outside the White House, Trump said, “I did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor and had to do with Red Cross. It’s supposed to be me as a doctor, making people better. And I do make people better. I make people a lot better.”

Anyway, no matter his intention it turns out that implying that you’re Jesus isn’t very Christian because, you know, Jesus is Jesus, not Dr. Jesus. Many people were upset with the posting and spoke out against the image.

For example former Vice President Mike Pence said in an interview, “I think the president was right to take that one image down and his ongoing argument with Pope Leo.”

In any case, maybe it’s true. Maybe Trump is Jesus… And if prediction markets are anything to go by, a lot of people are wondering if that’s true. A number of bets have been placed that Donald Trump will be shortly revealed to actually be Jesus after all, like the worst episode of Scooby Doo.

But what do you think? Is Trump Jesus? Let me know by telepathically sending me your opinions.

Oh, sorry, we’re just talking about the cartoon movie here, not the James Cameron, blue aliens one. Was that not clear? Hey, don’t blame me I didn’t name two fantasy franchises the exact same name…

Anyways, yeah, this is the story that the upcoming Nickelodeon movie based on that cartoon TV show called Avatar (that I thought everyone had moved on from) just got leaked, maybe from a hack.

Sorry, sorry, I know you’re still confused, so just to make it clear, we’re not talking about Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005), Avatar: The Last Airbender (2024), Avatar: Seven Havens (2027), The Last Airbender (2010), Avatar (2009), Avatar: The Shape of Water (2022), Avatar: Fire and Ash (2025), no, we’re talking about Avatar: Aang, The Last Airbender (2026).

It’s a cartoon movie sequel to the original TV show and it’s not out yet but two clips have been posted to social media well before any official material has been released.

Claiming credit is a hacker group named PeggleCrew and a leaker called @ImStillDissin who says that Nickelodeon accidentally emailed him the full movie and script. So I guess this was a phishing scam then?

The clips have since been copyright striked and taken down but not before Mr. Dissin could issue a threat for Paramount (Nickelodeon’s parent company) to release a trailer or else he’ll “I’ll livestream the entire movie alongside some Peggle Deluxe gameplay.”

So we’ll just have to wait and see if the threat is hollow or not or if Paramount capitulates but probs they’ll just ignore this publicly and have some lawyers on it in the background.

Paramount could not be reached for comment.

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Fine, that’s just Kelp that was hit, right?

So what, everything’s at risk, or what?

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Jingle jingle, look over here, JINGLE JINGLE.

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