April, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

Probs not.

In one of the most bearish calls against Tesla stocks (and shares), JPMorgan analyst Ryan Brinkman (lol) just warned that the EV car stock could fall as much as 60%.

Yep, we’ve been here before. Tesla has just been under delivering and overpromising, missing its sales targets by over 50,000 units. Now its global unsold inventory has reached 164,000.

For all the talk of the AI bubble bursting, here’s a little mini one right before our eyes. Because Tesla’s always been overhyped and underdelivering. And now with the removal of the EV tax credit and mounting competition from China, it’s no wonder Elon’s doing the frantic U-turn to AI and robotics.

Tesla? You Betcha

So, will Elon Musk “back down” from his current trajectory of pioneering technologies, defying traditional valuation metrics, and occasionally causing multi-billion dollar swings with a single emoji?

Market consensus suggests that this is about as likely as a hedge fund manager admitting they were wrong about Gamestop.

“Asking Elon Musk to ‘back down’ is like asking the ocean to stop being wet,” commented Dr. Minerva Quibble, Professor of Technosocial Dynamics at the University of Unquantifiable Metrics. “His valuation model isn’t based on EBITDA; it’s based on sheer, unadulterated narrative momentum and the future utility of memes. JPMorgan is operating in 3D chess, but Elon is playing 5D quantum Go Fish.”

Meanwhile, Barty Giltedge and his team are reportedly updating their model, factoring in the newly discovered variable of “Inu-Astronautical-Market-Sentiment.” Their new price target, subject to change based on the weather in Boca Raton, Florida, is expected sometime next week, provided the abacus doesn’t run out of beads.

User-generated content.

Ok so this story comes from the highly reputable source, ‘HipHopGamer’ who claims to have an in with Rockstar and will happily do some of their marketing for them with a healthy does of wild speculation.

Mr Gamer says that Rockstar is building an in-game ecosystem and marketplace for players to buy and sell assets they’ve created, allowing real people to make real money in the virtual Vice City.

“There’s things in Grand Theft Auto that I know for a fact, because I got a chance to party with Rockstar, literally,” said HipHop. “This game will produce millionaires. We’re living in a time where UGC is a major thing. It’s wise and it’s worth the wait.”

Don’t know why he speaks like that but OK.

So yeah, this could easily be BS but there’s a chance that HHG is right and GTA6 will have a sort of Roblox/Second Life style internal economy. Could be crap though.

I mean, these games often have an insane amount of features stuffed into the game that you don’t really end up using. Like, did anyone even like the hiking minigame in GTA5?

But even if GTA6 won’t make regular people millionaires it’s certainly going to make some millionaires at Rockstar what with it being maybe the most anticipated video game of all time.

Crabs.

It’s a crazy time we live in, huh?

Iran is planning to require ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz a toll in Bitcoin in what would be a major move away from the US’s control of the economics of that area for now maybe.

Bitcoin is obviously up following the news, rising above $72,500. Maybe Trump’s massive investment into Bitcoin was him playing 4D chess all along.

It’s a big deal because people are talking about how America has this leverage over the global economy because the dollar is the reserve currency. Obviously places like Iran and China don’t want that and now Iran’s holding all the cards they have the political sway to kneecap the dollar.

Here’s an idea though. Maybe rather than Bitcoin or dollars or yuan, why don’t we try something else, why don’t we use buttons?

Now here me out.

Firstly, everyone has buttons, everyone owns buttons so you’ve got a good supply there. They have a practical usage as well because they hold up my pants which dollars don’t do so you’re already winning there.

Buttons already look like coins so you won’t be needing to change slot machines or anything like that.

Buttons have holes in the middle so if you wanted to you could tie them together and keep your money safe like that.

Buttons are much lighter than coins or gold so you can have fun with them there.

Buttons come in all sorts of shapes and sizes so that’s more fun for you there.

Anyways, yeah, what I’m saying is we should go for the petrobutton. Iran should be demanding buttons not Bitcoin. It’s the currency of the future.

Errr, yeah, definitely not some insider trading happening here…

Investors put about $950 million dollars (dollars) into bets on oil prices falling just hours before US and Iran announced a ceasefire and oil prices did indeed fall.

8,600 lots on Brent and US crude futures were sold for a massive profit. And this might not seem unusual at first but to place massive lots like this in bulk is unusual.

Does it mean there’s something fishy going on? Is Donald Trump himself sat on Polymarket every night trying to make a killing?

We saw this before back in March when investors sold $500 million in oil futures 15 minutes before Trump delayed attacks on Iran’s energy places and oil had a massive drop again.

An anonymous crypto gambler netted almost half a million on a bet that Maduro would be out just two days before he was ousted by Trump and if you can smell something fishy with that then you might just have a future in law enforcement.

Just five hours before the kidnapping, the secret better doubled down on their bet, implying that he (OR SHE) may have been privy to some of that tasty, tasty insider information.

The account was only one week old at the time of the bet and sure, maybe this brand new user got very lucky and cashed out immediately then disappeared, or…

Or they knew something that no one else did.

Well, people are taking note and in response to this story, Democrat Richie Torres announced a bill to crack down on government officials trading on prediction markets.

Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

It might be an uphill battle however as it seems that the powers that be paved the way for said insider trading.

As Futurism explains: “Back in October, Reuters reported that the Trump Media and Technology Group was working with Crypto.com to implement prediction market functionality into Truth Social. That came as dozens of federal investigations into crypto-based price fixing, securities fraud, and regulatory noncompliance have been dropped at the Trump administration’s urging. Two of those cases were against prediction platforms Polymarket —the very same implicated in the Venezuela allegations — and Kalshi, for selling options contracts related to congressional elections.”

So does this one goes all the way to the top? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Who could have possibly foreseen this?

It’s almost as if we don’t have the infrastructure to make everything powered by neural networks. It’s almost like the companies that have been investing over $600 billion dollars in data centers failed to consider the time and resources required to overhaul civilisation. It’s almost as if this whole AI thing is all hype and no bite…

As Bloomberg explains, the main pinchpoint is electrical components. Things like transformers, switchgears, batteries. China’s increased its output but its not nearly enough to meet the demands.

Before 2020 delivery of transformers took 24 to 30 months, now it takes up to five years. That’s err, that’s too long.

I’m also slightly confused because can’t the transformers just go into plane mode and fly over here and that would be quicker, right?

And of course we’re not even talking about Iran’s impact on energy and of course we’re not even talking about the massive tariffs on China affecting the supply chain here.

So much for the promised new electrical grid that the tech world has been promising. So much for nuclear power. So much for my AI girlfriend, I guess I’ll just have to put her down now…

Thank god Trump Always Chickens Out because honestly, who wanted him to follow through on his threat that “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will.”?

And in this case, sabre rattling seemed like a good idea at the time even if wiping out a civilization is probably a bad idea for everyone.

But how did Wall Street react?

Oil prices have crashed of course, which is great for my bank account.
The trading floor went wild with an influx of last minute trades reacting to the news.
The larger investment firms have gone all in on AI and treasury funds while the price is right.

In short: it’s a massive rally as Wall Street heaves a sigh of relief that we might have some stability for two weeks at least.

We’ll see if it’ll last of course. Who knows, Trump could easily TACO out of his TACO and Uno Reverse us again. You never can tell with the man who once said, “As president, my highest aspiration is to bring peace and stability to the world.”

Guys. I’ve worked it out. I’ve solved the problem guys. It’s so OBVIOUS.

Look, it’s a well known thing now that OpenAI just doesn’t make money and has been struggling to find out how to capitalize off their insanely costly technology.

But guys. That’s the point. They can’t make a profit off ChatGPT because they’re a non-profit. It all makes sense now! They can’t legally make money because they exist for the good of humanity. Of course! It’s so OBVIOUS now! Those defense contracts were a charitable endeavor!

Wait, what’s that? OpenAI is still technically a non-profit but it’s a shell company that manages a for-profit company within that non-profit? …oh. Well. ok. I mean, that doesn’t sound shady at all…

So AI can’t make money, but people keep spending on it. $121 billion sounds small even.

Does it mean there’s a bubble? Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to pop any time soon nor does it mean that AI has no utility.

I for one use AI to supplement my personal human social relationships.

Will I ever pay for that service? Err, no.

And that’s part of the problem, right? Everything’s free now so everyone expects everything for free which means no one wants to pay and we need another revenue stream and all anyone’s ever been able to think of is advertising so adverts are literally everywhere now and everything is unusable.

Can’t wait for ChatGPT to go the same way.

Oh the other model is to sell data to the advertising companies. OpenAI’s doing that too.

OH but there’s a secret third option if you don’t mind going evil and that’s defense contracts. Yeah, if consumers refuse to pay you any money then force them to through taxes and get your friends to agree to funnel that money into your face.

Easy. Peasey.

For the CEO of maybe the biggest AI company in the world right, Sam Altman sure doesn’t seem to have much positive to say about AI all the time.

Maybe it’s just to grab headlines (shit it’s working) but Saltman’s always going off on some sensationalist warning about the dangers of AI. Errrr… wait, isn’t that the product that you’re selling?

Maybe it’s a tactic, like, it builds on the mystique of how powerful these broken calculators are. Or another tactic is that it’s a straight up threat. Like, “Ohhh, these things are pretty dangerous, better pay us more to make sure that they’re safe…” “Oh yeah, this AI comes with a ‘won’t murder everyone function’ but that’s only on the premium tier plan…”

Because that certainly seems to be the approach with Nostradamus-Altman’s latest prophecy.

In a recent interview with Axios, Altman said, “We’re not that far away from a world where there are incredibly capable open-source models that are very good at biology,” he said. “The need for society to be resilient to terrorist groups using these models to try to create novel pathogens is no longer a theoretical thing.”

And to avoid this “world-shaking cyberattack” would require a “tremendous amount of work.” Aaaand there it is. Man, everything really is just an advert, isn’t it?

I mean, he has a point. Last year over $1.4 billion dollars of money in crypto was stolen from crypto industries in cyberattacks last over (crypto).

And things are potentially only going to get worse. Idk if you saw this but there was a story recently saying that quantum computers might be able to crack Bitcoin keys in just 9 minutes.

It’s a huge finding that will have massive repercussions (a quantum leap, if you will) for finance, Web3, NFTs and my bro Darren who put all his life savings into BTC when it hit its ATH.

So, yes, cyptophers (people who use crypto) knew this was on the horizon but they thought they had more time (don’t we all). But Google’s Quantum AI researchers have just published a white paper (what is with you guys and white papers?) that moves the date for the great quantum jailbreak (q-day) up to 2032.

What they found was that the number of quantum bits (qubits) required to break bitcoin, ether and most other cryptocurrencies isn’t in the millions, it’s more like 500,000.

Crap.

Ok, ok, settle down everyone. Stop screaming. We’re still a long ways off. The most advanced quantum chip out there is Google’s own Willow which has a pathetic 105 qubits. (Wait, what’s stopping anyone from stapling 5000 of those to each other?)

If you’re wondering more about how this actually works, here’s a paragraph from the Forbes article that I’m cribbing, they explain it much better than I could:

“Bitcoin’s security relies on a single mathematical assumption: that deriving a private key from a public key is computationally impossible for any existing machine. The specific math is called the Elliptic Curve Discrete Logarithm Problem. Every time someone sends bitcoin, they reveal their public key. A classical computer would need longer than the age of the universe to reverse-engineer the private key from it.”

But quantum computers aren’t classical computers and they can compute far more complicated computational computations, the kind that could “derive a private key, forge a digital signature and drain a wallet.”

Bitcoin mining though wouldn’t be affected, that uses a different algorithm or something, idk, I’m not smart.

As expected, the markets reacted to this news with supposedly quantum resistant crypto coins surging a massive 50% in value. Guys calm down, nothing’s happened yet.

Do you remember when the first news about COVID first broke? I don’t know about you but I really discounted it. We’d had so many pandemic scares on the news before it was like the boy who cried wolf. I know that’s maybe selfish, like, these were affecting places and my first thought was ‘don’t care until it affects me’.

But my point is that when a disease gets reported on it is hard to tell if this is the real deal or just another sensationalist headline (because they do like those).

So just keep your wits about you when we talk about Cicada, a new COVID variant officially called BA.3.2. It’s from the Omicron strain (remember that one?) and the current vaccine is less effective against it (but does provide some resistance).

Since its identification in November 2024 it’s spread to 23 countries and at least 25 US states.

“These are still early days,” said professor of infectious diseases at Vanderbilt University Dr. William Schaffner. “But at the moment the conclusion seems to be there is this capacity for this new variant to evade some of the protections we have all acquired over the years.”

“Whether it will push itself to the front of the line remains to be seen. We’ll have to wait and see.” Encouraging stuff.

Oh here’s a good quote: “We haven’t seen evidence of this variant causing more severe disease or an increase in hospitalizations elsewhere,” according to CBS News medical contributor Dr. Celine Gounder, editor-at-large for public health at KFF Health News (what a mouthful).

So we’re OK, right? RIGHT? I CAN’T HANDLE ANOTHER LOCKDOWN!!!

So the Artemis II astronauts are currently on their six-day trip to the moon and they’ll potentially head further than any human has been before, going around the moon and back. That’s a long way to go without a rest stop…

Because they immediately hit a snag when the fan in the urine part of the waste management system malfunctioned. Thankfully, the problem was assessed on the ground and a solution quickly implemented much to the relief of the astronauts.

“Happy to report that toilet is go for use,” Mission Control radioed the astronauts. “We do recommend letting the system get to operating speed before donating fluid, and then letting it run a little bit after donation.”

Although one ‘stronaut couldn’t wait and already had to go in a bag which is how the toilet-less Apollo astronauts had to do it back in the 60s. Ew.

To Boldly Go

Btw, did anyone watch the launch? It was pretty cool, idk, I’ve never seen a live rocket launch before and I thought it was pretty cool. Like you forget, right? You see enough in movies and clips from previous launches that it’s become commonplace and you forget that it’s actually an awesome thing. Like feat of human engineering type stuff.

Oh wait, this is ostensibly a finance blog so I guess I should discuss the price here.

This is NASA’s biggest rocket ever and the first step in the next era of space exploration: sending people to the moon and beyond. So obviously it’s expensive and the whole program has already cost $93 billion (2012-2025) and each individual launch costs upwards of $4 billion.

Now lots of people say that’s an expensive waste of money and that we should sort out our problems down here first. And sure, we should, but we can and should do both. People are working hard to solve our problems down here, yeah they probably need more money but it’s not like NASA isn’t taking money away from them.

NASA is relatively cheap, I mean, for comparison, the US defense budget is up to a trillion dollars a year whereas NASA is $24.4 billion a year. 0.35% of government spending. I’d say this whole thing is worth it as a side project.

Because think about it, what are you going to do when you solve all the world’s problems? Let’s say there’s no more war, no more poverty, no more climate change, no more inequality, everyone has the personal freedoms they desire, then what? What is humanity going to do once everything’s sorted? Probably go to space, right? Ok, now how likely is it that we’ll ever solve all those problems? We’re humans, we’ll always have problems, we’re always going to fight. So why wait for everything to be perfect before we begin some side quests?

Do you have your whole life in order before you start pursuing your dreams? No, you know that time doesn’t wait. You start doing it now.

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Probs not.

Tesla? You Betcha

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