2026 | Wall Street Memes

There are two options basically: things could go up or, get this, things could go down.

Yes, the world’s most valuable company (we’re talking $4 trillion-valuable) is due to reveal its quarterly earnings at the close of play on Wednesday, and it’s due to have wide-ranging implications for Wall Street, the tech industry and you, yes, YOU.

AI stocks have been in a weird place recently, with a bunch on the slump but maybe because they’ve not been AI-ing enough? Nvidia’s earnings report could restore faith in the industry as a whole. No pressure, then.

So much is riding on tomorrow that the opposite could happen and if Nvidia produces anything less that an insanely stellar report card, AI, tech and all other stocks in general might get pulled down a peg or two.

Earnings Shmernings

Options pricing says that the Nvidia could go as much as 6% either way. So, the point is, no one knows. Be ready for everything. Like a boy scout.

Given that Nvidia accounts for roughly 8% of the S&P 500’s entire value, the waves from this boulder drop will be huge whatever happens.

Get in, loser, we’re going house shopping.

IT’S A BUYER’S MARKET, BOYS! Reportedly, there are 44% more home sellers than buyers in America. That translates to about 600,314 more houses for sale than people actually want to buy them. That’s up 30% from last year and the second largest gap since 2013 (the most was 45% in December 2025) but it’s still 1000% unlikely that you’ll own a house any time soon.

Does this mean we’re heading for a crash? Well, not necessarily. Technically, it’s been a buyer’s market since May 2024, and it’s only a buyer’s market for those even able to buy. It’s almost the opposite of what we saw in the 2008 housing crisis, when everyone was buying, and houses became insanely undervalued.

So if there’s a housing crisis, with people desperate for homes, why is no one buying? Well, it’s because house prices are just too damn high. The current situation is its own special kind of dire with house prices skyrocketing despite a growing housing shortage. House prices have only been going up, pricing out those who actually want to buy.

Home A Loan

That’s the state we’re in right now, were there’s buyers but none of them can afford the insane prices that the sellers are asking for. This massive discrepancy will only even out when house prices start to fall.

We might see a shift to cheaper houses because of this, but it’ll be gradual. I mean, any change has already has been glacial, if at all.

So don’t expect a dramatic ‘The Big Short’ style crash any time soon. And instead of a fast-paced, all-star movie adaptation, we’re probably looking at an incredibly boring fourteen-part documentary.

Don’t hold your breath.

It’s AI, but not in the way that you think…

As you probably know, the stock market’s looking a little battered right now, losing $800 billion dollars of hypothetical money.

There are a number of reasons for the dip but a big one is just the general uncertainty in the market right now. And, in turn, a big reason for that is the looming spectre of tariffs (yes, again). After SCOTUS killed POTUS’s use of emergency powers to make sweeping increases to import taxes.

But there’s something else that’s got peeps spooked and curiously it’s not the AI bubble, but it also is, and, in fact, it kind of isn’t, but also is.

Wall Street is trying not to make the AI bubble a self-fulfilling prophecy because what’s happened is that investors have pulled funds from companies that either aren’t implementing AI or AI companies that are seen as failing.

A sort of AI-cull if you will.

Maybe the theory is that by pruning the rose bush it’s going to bloom more come summer. But surely what’s going to happen is everyone’s incentivised to double down on AI and the bubble becomes more likely instead?

Rather than the purely speculative stock market wagging the dog, what’s really needed is for these AI companies to actually start making money. Like, I know everyone’s hyped about OpenAI’s IPO of SpaceX merging with xAI and doing the same, but this is all conjecture. This is hot air blowing up the balloon, what we need is substance an actual (sustainably) profitable use case for this technology or the thing will pop.

But we’ll see. We’ve got Nvidia’s quarterly earnings coming up which will be a litmus test for the rest of the sector. And then of course we have the secret bi-annual summit of malignant super-sentiences. Oh, you didn’t know about that? Well, of course not, it’s a secret. Yeah, that’s who’s really running things…

Since its peak of $126,000, Bitcoin has fallen 50% (half) due to numerous factors but mainly because the whole world is a little screwed right now.

Once again for the people in the back row, Bitcoin and other cryptos are a highly volatile asset meaning that people are less likely to invest during ties of uncertainty. Gold is the opposite and the two thus become rule-of-thumb barometers for how people think the economy is going.

And who exactly are those ‘people’ you may ask? Well often it’s the money people looking to make more money. In this case it’s hedge fund managers, who initially poured in a lot of cash in Bitcoin and boosted the crypto to its ATH, but are now pulling out (heheh).

We’ve had Trump’s bonus tax for consumers (or as he likes to call them ‘tariffs’) for nearly a year now and, surprise, surprise, the economic policy of ‘pissing off your trade partners’ hasn’t heralded the economic paradise that Mr. President claimed it would be.

Even after the Supreme Court shot down Trump’s use of Emperor-Palpatine-Style ‘emergency powers’ to impose tariffs, he’s doubling down and finding new loopholes to increase the tax to a blanket 10% for everyone. No, wait, sorry, this just in, 15%. He changed his mind apparently.

It’s a far cry from the giddy heights of 145% taxes on Chinese imports. Plus, Trump’s using Section 122 which is only temporary and will need congressional approval after 150 days. Oh, how the mighty have McFallen.

What’s really hilarious is that to some extent, the tariffs were beneficial. At the time, the entire world bent over backwards to capitulate with Trump’s demands, securing some favorable deals for Trump. Now those world leaders must feel a little stupid knowing that Trump’s gun to their head was seemingly illegal and apparently could have been removed at any time.

Well, now it seems they’re finally standing up for themselves, taking the inch that the Supreme Court’s granted. The EU have already said that they’re not going to pay more and that “a deal is a deal.”

“The current situation is not conducive to delivering ‘fair, balanced, and mutually beneficial’ transatlantic trade and investment, as agreed ‌to by both sides.”

Potentially even the illegal tariffs might have to be refunded and repaid, which would be crazy.

So we’ll just have to wait and see what happens of course and there is still a lot more flailing to be done.

Idk, can they compete with China?

NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang is hyping up his company’s upcoming appearance at GTC next month saying that this chip is so amazing, no one’s ever seen it before, etc. etc. I mean, it’s just hype, right? There’s not really a story here? ‘BREAKING NEWS: CEO says own company is good’… like, OK.

And maybe something’s been lost in translation here, but it took a little digging to actually find this quote and when I did, it was a different quote. And I know this isn’t the biggest story, like, it doesn’t really matter what he said, but I just found it interesting that this quote has been parroted across ex-Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and a bunch of actual publications without any sources listed.

I finally found the original interview and it’s in Korean, which I don’t speak, but the auto translate says that he said he’ll unveil, “A chip that will surprise the world will be unveiled at GTC next month.”

And OK, maybe the Korean words for these phrases can be interpreted a bunch of different ways, but I feel like “a chip that will surprise the world” is different from a chip that “the world has never seen before.” Idk who’s translating this or whatever but I’m just trying to say it’s crazy that you can have this quote spread like wildfire, without any sources and potentially it might be slightly wrong?

Wait, isn’t this an article about Nvidia and chips and stuff?

Sure, again, thankfully this is a pretty unimportant story, but imagine what else you’re seeing that could also be misquoted, misrepresented, etc. etc.

We all know that the internet is still a wild west, we all know it can’t be trusted, but we do still use it every single day, and I’m just looking out for you friend. Be careful out there. Who knows what lies you might be facing. Be careful who you listen to. Be wary of who you trust.

Turns out not much, as always.

In probably the worst birthday present anyone’s ever received, the Andrew formerly known as ‘Prince’ has just been arrested for “misconduct in public office”.

Great! At last! Something’s being done about the insidious pedophile ring that seems to have ensnared every single member of the global elite. Finally, the victims can have some respite knowing that the number of people arrested is more than *checks notes* two. …TWO?!

This is a great day for justi– oh, hold on, I’m just getting news that…

Wait, what? ‘Misconduct’ doesn’t mean abusing children? Despite every headline just saying ‘misconduct’ and letting you assume that means what you think it means? Oh, the arrest is referring to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor giving sensitive political information to Jeffrey Epstein?

GodDAMNIT.

When are we going to see justice served to these wronguns?

Maybe this is just a pretense to get him chatting and find out what actually happened. You know, like doing Al Capone for tax evasion. Right?

Andrew? More like, ‘An-screwed‘!

Anyway, in other Epstein news, Microsoft founder and billionaire playboy philanrapist Billiam Gates has pulled out (err) of making his keynote address at an Indian AI summit (IndAIn summit, if you will).

A statement from his foundation explained that after “careful consideration” they’d decided that Bill shouldn’t speak “to ensure the focus remains on the [summit’s] key priorities.”

Let me translate that: the heat’s too high. They don’t want publicity right now.

Yeah, that doesn’t look suspicious at all.

Obviously Mr. Gates has denied any wrongdoing but so did Prince Andrew and look what he’s been accused of.

…well, nothing right now. But that’s not the point!

Point is, Epstein seems to be the story that keeps giving us basically nothing and yet still won’t go away.

Here’s hoping this stain continues to stick to all those guilty for the rest of their days and the world will finally has some justice for these terrible crimes.

But I’m not holding my breath.

OK, ‘leaked’ is a strong word, I think they always get officially released? That’s nice. Some nice transparency for once (I’m looking at you, Epstein Files).

So despite Trump’s pressure and a looming replacement to Jay Powell, most Fed Reserve officials seemed hesitant to cut rates any further with some suggesting that maybe we should even raise the rates.

Oops.

It’s by no means clear cut however, and if anything the take away is that they can’t agree on anything. This will likely cause more rifts when Trump turns his eye-of-sauron back on the Fed and will mean Kevin Walsh might be ice skating uphill against his colleagues come his swearing in in May.

Alright, there’s a lot more to this story, but it’s all a little boring. If you want more, you can get into the weeds of it, in this article. But if you want to stick around, we can play some tik-tak-toe? Pass the time, why not?

Cool, I’ll go first:

           | |
____|____|____
           | X |
____|____|____
           | |
           | |

Haha, beat that. OK, you’re turn… Yeah, just write it in right there on the screen. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

…Take your time.

I know, it’s a complicated game, takes a lot of thought, but whenever you’re ready.

Sure, no, do, think about it. I’ll be right here…

In maybe the highest payout in the history of tech startups ever, OpenAI is paying its workers stock compensation worth $1.5 million dollars ON AVERAGE. And I know things have gotten intense with tech companies poaching workers from each other, but this is actually crazy.

The situation is that OpenAI is gearing up for probably the biggest IPOs in history and wants its workers on board by offering a massive cut of that stock selloff. With a rough valuation of $830 billion last round, the company is poised to unload to its 4,000 employees stocks worth about $1.5 million each.

And how much are you earning currently?

Whenever stories like this come out I feel sorry for the people who just missed the cut off. Like, there must be a cut off somewhere, I think it’s two years? What if you joined just a little too late? Or maybe you’re not contracted but you basically work there full time? What about the poor janitor who’s going to watch everyone around them come in the next day with Lambos while they’re stuck driving a battered Pontiac.

But this is rare at least. The next closest example is Google’s IPO in the 2000s, but employees in that case won just a sixth of what OpenAI’s doing.

Add on top of this, OpenAI salaries start at $200,000 and don’t even require a degree, there’s a small group of people who are making bank from this non-profit.

But the question remains, why on earth would you stay after this payout? Sure, everyone’s going to invest in OpenAI, but the moment they do it’s going to have an exodus of newly minted engineers and OpenAI might have a brain-drain.

Did you think about that? Huh? HUH?

In case you were looking for any more reason to think that Facebook is evil, it’s just come to light that Meta patented zombie tech back in 2023.

As the patent says, “The language model may be used for simulating the user when the user is absent from the social networking system, for example, when the user takes a long break or if the user is deceased.”

Black Mirror couldn’t come up with this shit.

Thankfully you’re not going to get a Candy Crush invite from your dead friend Kevin any time soon because a Meta spokesperson said that, “We have no plans to move forward with this example.”

It’s been three years since the filing so it doesn’t look like they’re in any rush to resurrect this idea (pun intended). Facebook’s also been deluged with AI slop recently so there’s a chance they’re finally realising that the general public just isn’t really down with relocating to the Uncanny Valley any time soon.

Still, the mere existence of the patent, even if they never planned to use it, just goes to show the lengths they’d be willing to go to for a quick buck.

“Wear your dead grandma’s dress and talk like she did?” asks Mr. Zuck, “Sure thing, sir! Anything you like, just keep watching, no, don’t look away, we have advertisements that need a-seeing.”

“Don’t look away! Look, I’m dancing! I’m dancing, just like you asked! Ad! I’m your grandma! Ad! She’s back! Ad! You’re grandma’s alive! Ad! You can feel happy again! Ad! Happy! Ad! Happy! Ad! Ad! Ad! Ad!”

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